Thursday, November 10, 2011

Life is a highway

Whenever I see a single shoe on the side of the road, it proves that the world was once covered in oceans, and a pirate had his leg cut off and replaced it with a stump and threw one of his shoes overboard.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

My coinundrum

People drop coins; these things happen to the best of us, as a general rule. When someone is receiving change at a shop, restaurant, bar etc, occasionally the fingers don’t always agree with the brain, and a handful of silver hits the ground. Whenever I am in the vicinity, the change-dropping frequency increases exponentially.

When this happens, two things occur:

1. I bend down to help the person collect their coins. Instead of being gracious for my assistance, the dropper of the coins will snatch each precious silver piece that I hold out to them and eye me with suspicion as if I’ve just pulled off a master heist to relieve them of fifteen cents. That’s right, dickhead, I carry around FAKE ten-cent pieces that I subtly use to replace real coins whenever someone drops their change. I have a funny feeling that a fake ten-cent coin would cost around eighty cents. Ocean’s 11 this is not.

2. A single coin lands on its edge and rolls past me, and continues to merrily defy physics as it glides along. As I watch it, I know that I have to stop its progress, and a conundrum presents itself to me - how far am I willing to chase this coin? The fact is, the money isn’t mine; I don’t even know the person to whom it belongs, so I don’t really have a vested interest in it, but the dropper has seen me watch the coin roll, so I feel compelled to do something about it. The coin is now a few metres into its happy little journey, so I take two quick strides after it, and bend down to snatch it up. The coin suddenly makes a 90-degree turn and I clutch at thin air and am forced to take another step or two to catch up with it. Finally, I’m able to corner the silver, and pick it up to return it to its owner. There they are, about eighteen metres away, watching me awkwardly chase a coin through a shopping centre.

Feeling stupid, I nonetheless give the coin back to the person who dropped it, someone who probably wouldn’t give a shit if they dropped twenty cents, let alone chase it for a half-marathon, let alone chase someone else’s coin. As I return it to them, I will attempt to be uber-casual and instead of handing the money back to them, the coin will drop to the ground once again. In a perfect world, we’d just laugh it off before having a beer together. In this world though, I usually dig through my own pockets for a coin and give it to them so they don’t have to chase theirs again. Sometimes, those things just need to be set free.

Shit. These coins have adopted the Phalanx formation. I have no chance

Monday, October 31, 2011

Horses, start your engines

It’s that time of year again that the nation stops doing whatever it's doing so we can watch a couple of horses prance around a field whilst carrying a dwarf atop their back. If there’s a better Australian tradition, then it means I’ve forgotten about Australia Day, the day after Australia Day, any day where there’s a cricket match on, and every other fucking day except for Melbourne Cup Day.

This year, the awesomeness of the Cup extends itself to the famewhores of the United States of Merica, as Sarah Jessica Parker intends on making an appearance. For a $40,000 appearance fee. To spruik her new movie. That no one will see. That she received a few million dollars to appear in. That is a piece of shit.

It is nice that SJP gets to attend the Cup this year though – (a) it’s most likely the last time anyone will have to hear her fucking name again, and (b) she gets to be among people of her own disposition.

There is also a rumour that Kim Kardashian is also going to be there, perhaps to form the back half of a pantomime horse (with Sarah Parker up front), if her schedule of doing … uuuh… allows it. This is a genius move from the Cup Public Relations people, as they try to tap into the elusive “vapid 15-year old slut” market, as they are the only people who would think that Kardashian has any actual value, other than Kardashian herself (another easy $45,000 for her). Kim will also be unveiling her new perfume range. That smells like her last perfume range. That she had no part of making. That she doesn’t wear. For those who won’t be able to be there in person, we’ll just have to make do with watching her on all four of her identical reality TV shows.

But by far the biggest name appearing this year is Brynne Edelstein. Oh wait, I mean “the biggest fuckwit.” I hate this old bag and I hope she gets eaten by a rabid horse. In fact, I hate this whole fucking day – why do we have "A-List" "Celebrities" from America and Cirque du Soleil acrobats doing hour-long trapeze shows in a “tent” made out of diamonds, with a butterfly house being set up by Myer? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH FUCKING HORSES?

The only sensible thing that happened this year in an attempt to drum up some national pride for the Melbourne Cup was some champion deciding to make a movie about the Cup. They called it The Cup. It had that bloke from The Castle in it. Unfortunately it looked shit boring and fairly depressing and was about jockeys. No one saw it. Because it was boring and about jockeys. And not really funny at all.

But who am I to piss all over this great day? Australians, grab yourself a chicken leg (the traditional meal for this traditional day), head to the TAB, pop on a stupid hat and get acceptably drunk at work. My money’s on Sarah Jessica Parker, but only if she’s being ridden by the guy from The Castle. Even though he’s not funny any more. Except on those ads.

Friday, September 30, 2011


This is it? The grand final already? Man, it only feels like eighty-three years ago that the season kicked off.

What a year we’ve had – the Raiders were victorious in round one, Mark Gasnier retired, Darren Lockyer single-handedly won State of Origin and Billy Slater was identified as the guy in the Prime Possum costume. But the best part about season 2011 is the way that it ended: with Todd Carney on the unemployed list.

As the dust settles on season 2011, it has inevitably come down to two teams to duke it out in the Granny. Personally, I think throwing an extra team onto the field could create some excitement, but some people are traditionalists and just want to let the Manly Sea Eagles and the New Zealand Warriors play.

I think it’s safe to say that both teams stayed out of the spotlight for the majority of the season; Manly only drew attention to themselves towards the back-end of the year when St George decided to lay down their guns and not win any more, and NZ just kept sneaking their way forward, using the fact that everyone kept thinking that because they weren’t Australian that they must be shit as a very effective shield. Even now, Centrebet are offering better odds for Brisbane to win than the Warriors.

Both teams are coming into the match on the back of some shit-hot form, and it will all depend on who maintains their composure as to who will win. Personally, I think both teams have enough young’uns in their squad playing in crucial positions that the pressure of the game could squash their feeble brains. However, if everyone keeps their heads and Manly can get a roll on, they could even repeat their 40-0 demolition of the Storm a few years back. Hopefully that won't happen; for one, no one wants a shitty one-sided grand final; and two, no one wants that amount of smug Manly fans wandering around again.

Mister Evil Breakfast’s Tip:
will probably win – but if you have a lobster that you’re dying to spend, throw it on the Warriors by 13+. Everyone’s expecting a bit of razzle-dazzle footy from the Kiwis, but if they can stick to a controlled and mature game, they’ll probably surprise everyone (including themselves) -the Storm are still undergoing eyebrow reconstructive surgery to overcome their surprise from last week.

This is why Australia keeps losing to New Zealand - they aren't focussed.

MEB cumulative score: 123

Friday, September 23, 2011

NRL 2011 Finals Week 3: Fuckwits and Robocop

Robert Lui is a fuckwit, and has joined Todd Carney at the top of my “youse guys are fuckwits” list. For the second time in two years, he has been charged with bashing his girlfriend following a Tigers’ season-ending loss. Last year, he was given nine assault charges from the one incident; that’s quite impressive, especially considering that she was pregnant at the time. But boys will be boys, right? And besides, Lui is a rugby league player who abides by different laws than regular people, and has an official “Get Out Of Jail Free” card. Besides, you don’t know how hard it is to earn a shit-tin of money to do something you love, and he needed to blow off some steam by sinking a gallon of grog and then flogging the shit out of someone less than half his size.

This year, police were called following a domestic disturbance and found a woman with bruising and swelling to her face. Lui flashed his “Get Out Of Jail Free” card again, only to see that it had expired just a month prior, and he was subsequently given the proverbial slap on the wrist. The Tigers footy club did the right thing… for them… by calling all of their sponsors to inform them of what happened and then offered counselling to Lui and his partner. Hopefully Lui’s counsellor turns out to be Chopper Reid, or Batman. That’d be tops.

In other news, Darren Lockyer did the most Australian thing possible last week by breaking his face while playing, staying on the field, kicking the winning goal, saved some orphans from a fire, and therefore went down in folklore as the greatest human to walk God’s green earth since that bloke who cut off his head to escape a rock fall in the Grand Canyon, then walked 600kms to staple it back on again.

Since the game, Lockyer has undergone cyborg surgery to have his face reattached (and a gun holster in his leg; it was an added bonus), and has actually taken medical advice to rule himself out from playing this weekend. I am not sure if it’s for his own safety or the safety of those around him in case his CPU fucks out and he starts killing people. Either way, he’s not playing due to safety, which is the smartest thing that any retiring rugby league player has ever done. Remember when Terry Lamb lost the GF in 1994 (I do. Go you Raiders!) and was meant to retire, but then came back in 1995 to try and get that fairytale finish? Yeah, that didn’t work and was embarrassing for everyone involved.

Finals week trio:
vs Broncos
Storm vs Warriors

Game of the Round
Eh probably the Manly/Broncos shindig. It’ll be interesting to see if Lockyer tries to use his new eye-laser on Daly Cherry-Evans or just uses mind control on Sam Thaiday to beat the living shit out of him.

Upset of the Round
It’ll be an upset if a captainless Broncos team can beat the Manly boys. I’d rather slide a few coins over the Warriors, who I kind of forgot about this week. If Melbourne are as memory-deficient as I am, they might even lose. But probably not.

Still last.

This is not going to end well

MEB cumulative score: 122

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Mister Evil Breakfast Wants a Farm and a Wife Who Has A Farm (maybe)

The phenomenon that is Farmer Wants a Wife carries on and continues to grow in popularity, as Australia’s love of blokes with akubras and flannies who don’t mind having flies root on their faces while they try and pick up chicks shows no signs of slowing down.

My last foray into applying for the world of reality television came in the form of a torturous process to get onto Big Brother. Alas, my application did not progress, which is a shame; I could have done with winning $1 million and pashing a few bogans.

The process to get onto Farmer is a bit easier. To apply as one of the hornbag chicks looking to bag a husband, you just have to answer a handful of questions and agree to make out with some bloke who’s been rolling around in pig shit all day. Then you go to the Farmer’s website, click on the farmer you want to go sheep drenching with, and if he thinks, “Oh yeah, wouldn’t mind mucking out her stable,” then you’re in like Old Farmer McGlynn.

To be a bachelor farmer on the show, it’s not much harder. And for a program whereby you basically get a couple of free farmhands in high heels to help you knock up a barbed-wire fence, there really should be a few stricter guidelines. I’ve seen previous seasons of Farmer, and the farmers are traditionally in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, in a massive span of dirt that stretches for motherfucking light years. It wouldn’t be hard for a farmer to ‘accidentally’ lose one of the contestants in a shallow grave just “up yonder behind the creek,” if you catch my drift.

So I’ve decided to become both a contestant and a farmer on the next season of the show. I think I’m in with a chance.

This can be filled out by yourself (a farmer), or you can fill it out to nominate a friend of yours who is a single farmer.
Please email the form to:

Application for Farmer Wants a Wife
1.You must attach 2 photographs in total:
one head/shoulders

one full body length
2.You must agree to live on a farm for the length of the shoot, approximately 11 days.
I’m not sure if 11 days is enough time to have sex with all of the women I choose before picking which one I’m going to marry.

3.You must be single and genuinely looking for love.

Just don’t tell my girlfriend/s or wife/s.

4.You must be 18 years or over.

I have a tattoo.

5.We will conduct background police checks on applicants chosen to meet the farmers, and you must agree to this as part of your application.

Good luck; I have my DNA replaced every six weeks.

6.Applications must be received online. Applications received by post will not be accepted.

That’s a bit harsh.

7. For more information please apply.

You shouldn’t have to apply just to get further information, honestly.

If you have any problems filling this in, please call us on 02) 9434 0777

If I have problems filling this form in, I don’t think I’d be able to use a phone. And if I have to apply online and not by post, you should have an email address. Apparently you guys don’t believe in the ‘old ways.’ That doesn’t sound very farm friendly.

Name of Farmer:

Mister Evil Breakfast

Age & Date of Birth:

Old enough to kick your ass. And it's always my birthday, so I’m expecting presents and cake every fucking day.


Yes, it’s a really old Nokia.


Obviously, this is being lodged by email. There is no other way to lodge this shit.

Location of the farm:

Just up yonder, behind the creek.

Type of Farm:

Dinosaur farm

Size of Farm:

Big enough that if you were to run around it, you’d come back puffing and panting.

Nearest Town and Airport:

Nearest town is Montreal, and the closest airport is in Guam. Strangely, the farm is in Canberra.

Do you own your own farm?

Define “own” in both of the senses that you have used it in this sentence. Then define “farm.” That should keep you occupied for a while.

Do you live and work full time on the farm?

Yes, except for when I go to work at the office, which is most days.

Accommodation on the farm (how many can stay there):

Depends how fat they are. You could fit two on my couch, easy.

Does the Farmer know he/she has been nominated?

I’m pretty drunk, so I might not remember it tomorrow.

Has the Farmer ever been married? Divorced?

I’m just married to the job. And my wife. And my husband. Oooh controversial.

Is the Farmer looking for love?

Aaaaaw this is a sweet question. I’m actually just looking for my keys, and I reckon one of the girls stole them.

PHOTO OF FARMER (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)

PHOTO/s OF FARM (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)
One of my brontosauruses showing off.

Free-range gallimimus herd

Free-range gallimimus herd meets free-range tyrranosaur

And that is literally all there is to it. Remember the good old days when you would date people with similar interests to you? Not anymore - with the information held in this application form, you can just imagine the number of great discussions you can have with the man/woman of your dreams about the size of your farm and how you are fully aware that you have been nominated. Actually, having seen the show, that's really not that far off the typical conversation.

See you at the reunion!

Friday, September 16, 2011

NRL 2011 Finals Week 2: It's almost cricket season

Where has this week gone? In a drunken haze. Oh yeah. According to a calendar that I nicked from the newsagent (I had to get the fireman one, didn’t I?), a whole week has elapsed. In that time, two teams from the NRL comp have been given the arse (hahah suck shit Newcastle, you losers), with another couple to join them on the great burning scrapheap that is finals footy.

There really hasn’t been much to write about this week; Todd Carney is keeping remarkably quiet as he practices writing an “X” in the “sign here” bit on his Cronulla contract, which always keeps things fairly low-key. The biggest news of the week was when NRL Supreme Ruler Dave Gallop got booed by Melbourne fans when he awarded them the minor premiership. Fucking Melbourne dickheads – they really don’t understand sport at all, do they?

But even that wasn’t enough to stop Australians everywhere (but mostly in Australia) from getting all “Aaaaw yeah!” on themselves as they high-fived each other following Samantha “Yessdad I yam lookin aftr meslf” Stosur’s victory in some tennis match. To be perfectly Francine, it’s about time she fucking won. It’s her job, after all.

Finals week two:
Wests Tigers
vs New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos vs St George-Illawarra Dragons

As much as I like the Warriors, I think they’re going to get rubbed out this week. To make things worse, they’re going to get done by the fucking Tigers. I can’t think of a worse team to fuck you over, honestly. God they shit me, and I don’t even know why. It’s probably mostly to do with that Marshall bloke, he seems like a bit of a dick. And he is basically the only player on the Tigers team, right? Right. (Don’t write to me with the fucking Tigers playing roster either, I just don’t care).

The Dragons have been less than impressive lately, and despite me trying to explain it last week (I convinced myself, so that was something), I’m no longer buying their bullshit and they should lose to the Broncs. Easy as.

Game of the round:
Eh. One of the ones above. There’s only two to choose from. You can pick one.

Upset of the round:
Slide a sneaky lobster on the Warriors. It’s pay week, you can get a bit extravagant.

What are the Raiders doing?
Hopefully washing my car. God knows they owe it to me.

Have you ever seen Jarryd Hayne and the Indian deity Vishnu in the same place at the same time? Of course not, and this is why.

MEB cumulative score: 121

Friday, September 09, 2011

NRL 2011 Finals Week 1: Fucking Carney

I do love it when my most favouritest person in the whole wide world splashes his gormless mug across the country’s newspapers; lucky for me, Todd Carney is a shit magnet. This time, Todd and the Sydney Roosters have parted ways following constant off-field shenanigans and general on-field shittiness. By all reports, the split was 'amiable' and at the very least, it meant that Todd learned a new word this week.

This news has left the rugby league community scratching their collective noodles wondering, “What next for this pillar of society?” There are two main schools of thought (and I never thought I’d use that phrase in relation to Carney) about his future:

  • One is that you just fuck him off and send him on the first manned expedition into the sun.

  • The other is that ‘the kid needs help.’

I’m all about firing up the NASA rockets again, personally. For one, Todd Carney is not ‘a kid.’ He is 25 years old. Since the age of fuck-knows, he has no doubt got away with doing little work for huge reward based on his skills as a footy player. I’d be surprised if he can tie his own shoelaces, to be perfectly honest. Whenever he fucked up in the past, someone was there to make sure he was picked up, brushed off, bailed out, paid off, and everything kept all hush-hush because Todd’s just a kid and doesn’t know any better.

Life’s fucked when you’re an adult, hey Todd? Time to stop looking around for someone to throw you a lifeline, tiger, and get yourself sorted out. It’s not up to your club, your mum, the town of Goulburn or your best mate’s cousin Frank to give you a hand. Welcome to the lovely world of Consequence (Todd: if you are getting someone to read this out loud for you, please note that Consequence isn’t the actual name of another world that you have unknowingly travelled to).

The only real disappointment of the week was that when asked about the chances of Carney returning to Canberra, the Raiders said, “Not in 2012; we cannot fit him in under the salary cap” instead of “he can go fuck himself. If he comes anywhere fucking near us, we’ll set him on fire and put him out with a chain.”

Oh, there’s also some finals matches on this weekend:

Wests Tigers vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Brisbane Broncos
vs New Zealand Warriors
Manly Sea Eagles vs North Queensland Cowboys
Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

While the Dragoons haven’t been in the greatest form of late, I’m putting that little slump down to Wayne “The Great Wayne” Bennett ordering his troops to meander around the field like puppies and not get hurt for the last few weeks. After all, they’d already secured a top eight position so why risk having one of your good players break his leg while tackling Jarryd Hayne?

The Brissy vs Warriors game is almost too close to call. Without Thaiday and Hoffman, the Brisbanes will have to rely on some good ol’ inbred Queensland spirit to get through. Don’t ever underestimate the power of inbred Queenslanders.

Upset of the Round:
I’ll be upset if Newcastle win. They are seriously shit and I’m pretty sure that they’re all hoping that no one double-checks the results book and realises that they’re not meant to be there.

Game of the Round:
Raiders vs… oh. Never mind.

Reasons the Raiders didn't want to win this year #1: Trophies are heavy

MEB cumulative score: 118

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Why are you here?

At time of writing, 18 968 people have found their way onto Mister Evil Breakfast. Who are these people? I don’t know all of them, but I can say that a few of those hits were courtesy of Binky, my helper monkey who has been trained to click refresh a few times each day. That, and chain-smoke cigarettes. I like my monkeys to stay classy.

So how did people come across this wonderous piece of shit blog?

Here’s how exactly (I think you can click it to make it bigger if your eyes are hurting, but it didn't work when I just tried. But you might have better luck):
Some interesting points:

1. I'm not the only one wondering about Jade and Sonya from Neighbours being sisters as well as being of completely different races

2. Someone Googled 1800 06555 06 (the Australian Reading/Writing Hotline) number and managed to find my blog, instead of, you know, the Australian Reading/Writing Hotline.

3. At least one reader had the patience to visit what I can only imagine would be a billion sites that come up when searching for "yung girls fuckin yuorfrinds" before somehow landing on mine. I don't know which page he landed upon, but I hope he found what he was looking for. Probably not though.

Friday, September 02, 2011

2011 NRL Round 26: Angry Breakfast Rant

Round 26, where have you been all my life?

The 2011 comp is nearly (not quite) over, and it couldn’t help but go down in a massive blaze of gloriously blazing glory this week, with the Manly vs Adam Blair fight dominating headlines. For unfairly being beaten up by six Manly players, Blair was suspended for five games, thereby ending his season somewhat prematurely. Hehe premature is a funny word.

I’ve almost liked Manly this season – fuck it, I’m going to say it – I HAVE liked them. They haven’t been the usual shitbricks that NRL fans are used to dealing with; they’ve played some expansive football and haven’t been massive cockheads about life. But this week… fucking hell. Glenn “Not Guilty… oh wait… Guilty” Stewart decided to fuck the whole year up by being a massive douchenozzle. He was charged with fighting; an act caught by a thousand cameras as well as about 40,000 witnesses, yet still wanted to plead not guilty to the accusation. Fuck off, dicklord – your brother got away with diddling a 12 year old (or something) but that doesn’t mean your whole family has a Get Out of Jail Free card. Upon advice that he would “lose the case” if he pleaded “not guilty,” Glenn fired his lawyer (“me want to win!”) and hired a new one, who somehow persuaded him to plead “guilty” the next day. My sources say the promise of a stuffed toy monkey and a bag of M&Ms did the trick.

It's a pity that Manly decided to ruin it for everybody, because there are a couple of crackerjack games this weekend.

St George Dragons vs Penrith Panthers
Newcastle Knights vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
New Zealand Warriors
vs North Queensland Cowboys
Cronulla Sharks vs Wests Tigers
Gold Coast Titans
vs Parramatta Eels
Brisbane Broncos vs Manly Sea Eagles
Sydney Roosters Melbourne Storm

Upset of the Round:
Plonk a Stuey Diver on the Roosters to beat the Storm. F*ck it, you won’t miss $5, but the $200,000,000 you’ll get back might come in handy one day if they do win.

Game of the Round:
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
vs Fucking Canberra Raiders
All eyes will be on this game, seeing as its outcome will have monumental effects on the rest of the competition.

I’m lying of course, this game means motherfucking dick all; the Bulldogs will need to win by a literal cricket score in order to keep their season alive, while the Raiders are safe from the dreaded wooden spoon for another year, somehow having done just enough to not be coming dead fucking last. With absolutely nothing on the line except stopping the Dogs from racking up an embarrassing scoreline, this game is destined to add another rubbish dimension to a particularly rubbish season from the Mighty Green Machine. Better luck next year, boys.

Games I’m Secretly Excited About:
The battle for the spoon between the Titans and the Eels is freakin awesome. You couldn’t plan for the final round to decide who is officially the shittest. This game promises to be more hypnotically retarded than those two chicks who slap each other with pizza.

Special mention must also go to the Bunnies vs Newcastle stoush, which will decide who carries onto the finals. I really hope the Rabbitohs make it; I still don't understand how Newcastle got to where they are. I mean... they suck. Seriously suck. The Bunnies will be missing Greg Inglis, who has succumbed to a nasty break in his Not-Playing-In-A-Representative-Match-So-Fuck-It, which is a small bone in the foot, although seeing as he has been like my bathroom tap this year (hot and cold - see what I did THERE?), I'm sure they'll manage without him.

The Raiders have been experimenting with anti-gravity boots this season. It obviously hasn't worked

MEB cumulative score: 113

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Don’t let it go to voicemail

The end of August is a sad time for every Canberran, as the lights dim on Canberra Appreciation Month and life returns to normal, and we can go back to ignoring the National Museum, declaring the ugliness of Woden and Belconnen, and openly rubbish the Canberra Raiders.

As an end-of-MEBCAM treat for everyone, I have found an ode to the national capital entitled “Canberra’s Calling to You,” written by one Jack Lumsdaine in 1938. Yes, I’m serious, this is an actual anthem for Canberra that I didn’t write, hence the lack of references to the Hyperdome and Todd Carney.

So without any further Amaroo, I hereby declare Mister Evil Breakfast’s Canberra Appreciation Month CLOSED.

Take it away, Jack:

Canberra’s Calling to You

Rolling plains of the South land
Vast and wide and free
Windswept grass waving restless
Green as the mighty sea
Our great Commonwealth of Australia
Founded her new home
From God’s good earth
There came the birth of our capital our own

Like a jewel so rare
In a setting so fair
A city of white was born,
With its gardens of blooms
And its rare perfumes
That greet each sunny morn,
Australia’s creation
The heart of the nation
‘Neath azure skies of blue,
Wherever you are
Be it near or far,
Canberra’s calling to you

The 78m high Australia-American War Memorial not only looks a treat, it also keeps the magpies away

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Looks like we've got a whole new Situation

Move over, Snooki, Guidos and Guidettes! The next generation of reality TV superstars is set to hit our screens in a brand new show that is going to take the world by storm! From the streets of Civic to the cafes of Manuka, welcome to…

Join five of Canberra’s most outrageous personalities for a wild season in the nation’s capital as friendships and relationships are forged, broken and fixed within the same heartbeat.

Meet Tom, from the mean streets of Red Hill and has grown up without knowing real privilege. For his 16th birthday, his parents bought him a new BMW when he specifically had asked for an Alfa Romeo. It didn’t really matter though, as Tom wrote that car off a week later and bought an Alfa anyway.
Quote: It’s just money, don’t worry about it.

Kirryly is a hot bogan hairdresser who has been seen at all the big events, including Kylie’s 21st, Jorda’an’s 23rd and Adam’s going-away party. Asked to describe herself in one word, Kizza replied: “I am a really simple person, like, I like to, you know, like just be me at home, by, like, just on my, you know, on my own, or I love going out and getting off.” Kirrily is nearing 900 Facebook friends.
Quote: FML!

Justin is a 28-year old public servant who works in the IT section of an undisclosed Government department. He has always wanted to try paintballing, but hasn’t been able to arrange it with his friends yet. His favourite food is Cheese and Bacon Balls, and he enjoys email.
Quote: The cake is a lie.

Guy is a professional student, having spent the last 16 years on the ANU Campus, completing at least a year of a range of Arts subjects. He is a self-taught musician and can play the bongos, sitar, and tobacco hookah.
Quote: I’m sensing some strong vibes here.

Angela is a bubbly 20-something year old graphic designer from Hackett. This average income earner enjoys a drink on a Friday night (“or while watching Farmer Wants a Wife!”) and hits the gym with her best friend twice a week. Ange loves travelling and is hoping to do a European trip next year.
Quote: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

With Canberra’s unmistakable cityscape providing a playground for the Burley Shore crew, there’s never a shortage of drama. Tom and Kirryly begin a relationship within seven minutes of entering Moosheads (“It was a record for both of us!”), while Angela tries to make awkward conversation with Justin (“he seems nice, but kept quoting jokes from The Big Bang Theory”). Guy refused to even enter the nightclub, protesting that the drinks were better at the Wig n Pen pub, and waited outside.

On Day 2, Tom and Kirryly break up, make up and break up again, while Justin and Guy bond over their common brand of laptops (Apple). When Ange and Kirryly struggle to become friends, Kirryly suggests that they should “Agreeta Disagree,” a ritual that she believes has Pagan influences, and people like “Napoleon and Maximus from Gladiator did to end their fighting.” Justin performs a concert on his sitar to mellow everyone out.

And that's just the first two days!

For Parliament House-flag-sized entertainment (that’s 12.8m x 6.4m), tune into the capital ACTion of the Burley Shore. Coming soon.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Canberra Fact of the Day

Canberra was going to be the setting for the next series of Underbelly, but had to cancel due to its low-crime rate following Todd Carney’s departure.

Friday, August 26, 2011

NRL 2011 Round 25: Licking the Spoon

WOAHOHOHOHO (pronounced exactly how it’s spelt) this is a good week of footy – there’s top of the table clashes in what could/should be a Grand Final preview betwixt the Storm and Manly; Newcastle and the Bunnies keep playing for their own survival; the Dragons’ recent shithouse form is going to be put to another test against a shit-hot Warriors side; and everyone else is scrambling to keep off the bottom of the ladder. I’m particularly interested in the Eels vs Roosters game this weekend, which will pretty much be like watching seagulls fight over the last chip on earth.

Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters
Manly Sea Eagles vs Melbourne Storm
Canterbury Bulldogs
vs Newcastle Knights
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Cronulla Sharks
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Wests Tigers vs Gold Coast Titans

Upset of the Round:
Chuck a sneaky tenner on the Titans.

Off-field bullshit of the Round:
The Roosters have ‘dumped’ Nate “The Human Soft-Serve Machine” Myles from the club, an entire two weeks before he is set to head off to the Gold Coast to play for the Titans. It’s like sending an anorexic kid to bed without any dinner. Grow some balls, you fucking dickheads. It’s no wonder no one likes you (that, and the whole Freddy Fittler thing).

Game of the Round:
Canberra Raiders
vs Penrith Panthers

Canberra Appreciation Month probably hasn’t gone entirely according to plan for the Raiders, having lost all of their matches during this hallowed and spiritual time. Like a sacrificial red-headed lamb with a busted face, captain Alan Tongue has thrown himself upon the pyre in a last-ditch attempt to bring out some Raiders pride for his final home-ground appearance this weekend.

If that’s not enough to bring out a decent performance from his team, then nothing will.

It’s also handy that the Green Machine are facing the Panthers this week, which is about as good a chance as they’re going to get to scrape together a win, like a bloke searching through the back-seat of his car for $5.50 for parking change – it’s not a lot, but it’s just enough to improve his day. Penrith have been struck a few major blows this week, as centre Michael Jennings is out with another drinking injury, and Luke Lewis was ruled out because he just couldn’t be fucked playing any more. The Sanyo Panthers have struggled on the road this year (Michael Jennings must have been driving), which also bodes well for the Canberra lads. Unfortunately, it’s stats like that that create false hope, especially for a numpty team like Canberra.

If the boys can’t lift for Canberra Appreciation Month, for me, for the fans, for Lime Green Milk, for the wooden spoon, or for Tonguey… then fuck em.

Why I don't play NRL #3: They don't like it when you fuck dogs.

MEB cumulative score: 107

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Canberra Faqt of the Dei

Canberrans like to prove themselves more Canberran than other Canberrans by telling them about the last time they remember it snowing in the city.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Canberra Fact of the Day

The number of spruikers in Canberran shopping centres outnumber the customers by 7:1, which has forced mergers within the spruiking industries. This has resulted in a 10,000% increase in the number of Somalian children signing up for gym memberships.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The distance between us

In most cities, the concept of distance and time are constants – a metre is 100 centimetres, a kilometre is made up of 1000 metres and so on. Canberra is the only city in Australia (perhaps even the world) in which distance warps itself beyond all recognition. Normally, a ten-kilometre journey is commonplace; you’d barely even mention it on your Facebook update (“LOL just leavnig work for the 10km trek home hope johnny has put the dinner on LOL cant wait for winners n loosers tonite LOL”), but in Canberra, a ten-kilometre journey is one worthy of an epic Greek poem. Funnily enough, when I was picking up some fish and chips the other week, the Greek bloke behind the counter started reciting one, but I really didn’t have time to listen; I had hot chips and a chiko roll to get home, and about eight k’s to cover. I needed all the time I could muster.

Despite the lack of major traffic concerns when driving in the nation’s capital; there’s little congestion, the lanes are wide, the green lights ample, the roads are paved and flat; the laws of time and space in Canberra deter people from venturing too far from their own driveways. It is not uncommon to witness a person from Belconnen begin to shake and sweat uncontrollably once they have ventured outside their own suburb.

Despite constant police warnings about going into districts with a different postcode than your own, many Canberrans still take that risk – and pay the price.
“Steve, it’s Eric. How’s things?”
“Good mate, how about you?”
“Fucked – my car’s broken down. Reckon you can pick me up?”
“Yeah of course, where are you?”
“Just near Kaleen.”
“Sorry mate. I can’t do that.”
“I pulled you out of your house when it was burning down!”
“Yeah, but you lived next door. You didn’t have to, you know, drive.”
“You married my sister!”
“Yeah, but she also lived next door. What was I going to do, marry someone in Hughes?”
“Where’s Hughes again?”
“I dunno, I think they have a good bakery there though.”
“Yeah cool, I think a guy I used to work with told me that. Can you seriously come and get me?”
“Sorry mate.”

“Hello police? A gang of ninjas have broken into my house!”
“What is your address?”
“It’s in Isaacs –”
“Isaacs? Yeah… nah. I think if you remain perfectly still, the ninjas will leave you alone. Their vision is based on movement. They’re more scared of you than you are of them.”
“Can’t you just come, please?”
“Isaacs? Yeah… nah.”

If you do venture outside of your designated driving zone, please be sure to have all relevant documentation with you, including passport and reason for visiting. You should also ensure that you have the relevant currency for the area you are entering – a phrase book will also help you out. Notify your loved ones of your location, estimated time of arrival and planned itinerary before you leave. Get all of your affairs in order, and for fuck’s sake, AVOID THE BRIDGE.

If you see this bridge, you've gone too far

Monday, August 22, 2011

Canberra fact. Of the day.

Canberrans have the right to not attend concerts, exhibitions and events due it being “too cold to go out” and then complain that nothing ever happens in Canberra.

Friday, August 19, 2011

NRL Round 24: Kissing Tongue Goodbye

The questions that need answering for this round:
1. Can Nathan Merrit score three tries to equal Brett Mullins’ record of 11 tries in three games way back in 1994?
2. Are St. George really as bad as they seem right now?
3. Should the Roosters have dropped Todd Carney a long time before now?
4. Are the Knights really still in finals contention?

And the answers are:
1. No. No one will ever equal the try scoring spree set by Mullins, nor will they beat up as many people outside the Queanbeyan RSL, or have a mullet halfway as permed as his was.
2. Yep. They should never have brought Gasnier back, and should probably put Soward on ice for a week, Demolition Man style. It worked for Wesley Snipes (almost).
3. That pin-eyed fuck knuckle shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a footy field, including trying to paint the lines onto the field. You have to be sober to paint. Trust me.
4. Yeah, apparently so. I know, I thought they would struggle without the Chief, but apparently the team has recovered since 1999. Pity the Footy Show hasn’t. WOO.

Round 24:
Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors
South Sydney Rabbitohs
vs North Queensland Cowboys
Sydney Roosters vs Cronulla Sharks
Manly Sea Eagles
vs Bulldogs
Melbourne Storm vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels
Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

Game of the Round:
Gold Coast Titans vs Canberra Raiders

Canberra captain Alan “I wear my heart on my sleeve and my tongue in my mouth and also in my name” Tongue announced his retirement this week, throwing huge disruptions into the Raiders’ finals plans. After the team stopped laughing about making the finals, they went back to planning their end-of-season holiday to Vanuatu. Then they had a few drinks and watched some DVDs (Daniel “Rufio!” Vidot had brought in a pirated copy of the new Harry Potter flick) and hit the showers, confident that they’d done enough to beat the Titans this weekend, thereby avoiding the wooden spoon and giving Tonguey a good note to go out on.

I mean, it’s the Titans. They’re easily the worst team in the comp, and the only thing they have to play for is trying to avoid the spoon, and sending Preston Campbell out with a win after his retirement… announcement… last… week. Oh. Fucking hell.

Even the fake crowd weren't that happy with Orford's arrival

MEB cumulative score: 101

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Canberra Fax of the Day

The floor at Mooseheads is deliberately sticky in order to keep people from leaving once they have entered.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Danberra Cact of the Fay

Dickson Woolworths refuses to stock their shelves with food items, or hire anyone except for the 16 year old kid who sniffs a lot.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Canberra el facto de dayo

Canberra roads have an entire lane dedicated for buses, despite the fact that there's only ever one bus allowed on the road at any given time.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Canberra Facto of the Dayo

If you are 10 years old and own a tin whistle and a hat, you are obliged to stand in front of any shopping centre and play Christmas carols from September until January.

Friday, August 12, 2011

NRL Round 23: Eight tries from victory

Any week in which Todd “Squinty McSquintenstein” Carney gets caught being a fuckwit and threatened with being kicked out of his club is a good one for me. Happily, that happens around fifty-one weeks a year. The remaining week is a bit of a drag, but it’s right around Christmas, so I can usually find other things to keep me occupied during that time.

For those not in the know, Carney, Nate “Poopy Pants” Myles and Frank “Can I buy a consonant?” Nuuausala disobeyed club rules and got on the piss following a visit to the tattoo parlour. Seriously. The last things in the world that Carney needs are more shit tattoos, and more beers. The trio of upstanding citizens were dobbed in by a cab driver, who has copped a bit of flak for his actions. Personally, I think he did Sydney a favour, as he no doubt stopped someone being pissed on and beaten up; two of Carney and Myles’ favourite past-times.

It’s cute that he’s pretending to know how to read the paper

Other than another step in the inevitable demise of Todd Carnbag, this round is special in that it’s Darren Lockyer’s record-breaking 350th first grade appearance. Honestly, I don’t think it’s that special; it’s only 350 more games than me, and I don’t even play league. I might take it up next year though, and attempt to beat Locky’s tally IN ONE SEASON. Beat that, you gravely-voiced bastard.

Round 23

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos
Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers
New Zealand Warriors
vs Newcastle Knights
Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm
Parramatta Eels vs Manly Sea Eagles
St George-Illawarra Dragons
vs Sydney Roosters
Sharks vs Bulldogs

Upset of the Round
Pop a dollar on the Eels to rock Manly’s boat, and watch out for a Roosters revival. It’ll be interesting to see how they play when their five-eighth is sober.

Game of the Round
Canberra Raiders vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
The Raiders welcomed Canberra Appreciation Month with a bang last weekend, going down to the Knights in the final 72 minutes of the game. The boys put on a great show, but just came up about eight tries short of victory.

This week, the fearsome men from the ACT will be locking horns and ears with the South Sydney Rabbitohs (sounds like a breakfast cereal. “I always start my day with a bowl of Rabbitohs!”). The Bunnies should be fairly confident going into the match; if demolishing the Panthers last week wasn’t enough to give them a boost, the fact that they’re playing the Raiders this week should do the trick.

It has been a tremendous 2011 season for the Raiders, who were recently unfairly knocked out of finals contention due to other teams continually beating them. Unfortunately for Canberra, peaking in Round 1 was possibly too early in the season, and it was always going to be an uphill battle following unlucky injuries to key players and the constant presence of Matt Orford. Orford will not partake any further in the 2011 as he prepares to undergo groin surgery after falling off one of those Dance Dance Revolution games at Timezone. Daniel Vidot will also miss this weekend’s game to recover from a grade three-level bad haircut and a nasty case of whiplash caused by watching people run past him during last week’s loss to the Knights.

Souths were lucky to escape a great fightback from the Eels last week, who just failed to make up the Bunnies’56-point head start, finishing 50 points short. They’ll have to be more alert this week, with the pillow-handed defensive line of the Raiders looking to upset the Rabbits’ finals dream. Reports from the Raiders sheds indicate that they’re going to tire Inglis and Merrit out – seventeen length of the field tries tends to take it out of you.

This guy looks pretty happy to have been Photoshopped into the Raiders for Canberra Appreciation Month

MEB cumulative score: 95

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Canberra Fact o' the Day

Kambah is well-known to Canberrans as “the largest suburb in the southern hemisphere.” No one has bothered to check it, but it is widely accepted that Kambah is “pretty fucking big.”

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Turkey-slapping interstate visitors: A guide to Canberra

Other Australians have a strange relationship with Canberrans – sure, we are better looking than the rest of our convict brethren, but the city and the people who inhabit it often invoke an instinctive reaction from the 21,000,000 Aussies who aren’t lucky enough to live within the glorious borders of the ACT.

“Where are you from?” they ask.
“Canberra,” is your response.
Now watch their face contort, as if you’d just stirred their drink with your dick and asked if you could turkey-slap their first-born.
“Do you like it?” they ask.
“Yes, it’s a great place to live.”
…and then BANG - the This Guy Likes Living In Canberra look, as if you’d just dug up his childhood pet and started dry-humping it.

“But there’s nothing to do there,” they say.
Actually, you’re wrong. There are multitudes of things to do, and I daresay 95% of them are the same activities that you’d find in any other city in the world. You can play sport, watch sport, eat out, drink coffee, go shopping, visit a museum or gallery, go to university, get on the piss, see a movie, go to the gym, buy a dog, kill a hooker and hide her in a lake. You could do all of this in one day if you really wanted to. Twice, if you’re quick at killing hookers.

“There’s no nightlife.”
That’s not entirely true. If you’re looking for a nightclub that you have to line up for 3 hours to get into, pay $30 cover charge and then $50 for three drinks that you waited for another hour to buy, then you’re probably shit out of luck. Canberra nightclubs have a gold coin donation to get in the door, and the bar staff water the drinks down so much that it would be criminal to charge more than $3 for anything. Let's be straight here; nightclubs are actually fairly shit the world over, but feel free to head out to a Canberra club if that’s your thing. If you’re not having a good time, it probably means that either you’re a dickhead, or your friends are. That’s not Canberra’s fault.

“There are so many public servants!”
True. Canberra is where parliament sits, so it makes a bit of sense to have the people who work for the government live in Canberra as well. It’s called a workforce. Strangely though, there are also other jobs available in Canberra that might also appeal to those folk who live interstate. And then there’s the option of not using your career as a substitute for your personality.

“Your roads have roundabouts everywhere!”

“So many roundabouts!”
I’m sorry, I don’t follow your train of thought. Are you really struggling that much to hack on Canberra that you’ve had to resort to our road design? A roundabout is a quick and easy way to - you know - turn, which might confuse some people, especially if they’re from Sydney; a city in which it is not only illegal, but downright impossible to make a right hand turn. Did you know that if you buy a car in Sydney, it has its right-hand indicators removed to avoid confusion? Melbourne has fucking hook turns, which are basically the same as roundabouts, but without a dirty great circle in the middle of the road. And Brisbane has Queenslanders in charge of motor vehicles, so don’t even get me started on that.

I’m not saying that other cities aren’t also tops, because they are. There’s always that special something something about them that differentiates them from other cities, whether it’s the skyline or a monument or a big old ugly building. But don’t come to my fair city and wander around looking for the Opera House. You left that behind, dickhead. Have a gander at Parliament House instead - they're both giant buildings that you'll never go into unless held at gunpoint.

Now help me over here; this dead hooker isn’t going to put herself in a sack.

"Jesus Christ, that roundabout is coming right for us! If only there was a way to turn around! Oh wait..."

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Fact de Canberra de jour

89% of Canberrans are aware of the suburbs of Macarthur and Macgregor, but only 21% know which one is which.

Monday, August 08, 2011

Canberra Fact of the Day

Instead of replacing or cleaning the easily-and-repeatedly-vandalised suburb sign for Cook, it would be more efficient to officially change the name to Cock.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Round 22: NRL tipping Canberra Appreciation Style

Canberra is the greatest city in the world and its rugby league team is without peer. The Mighty Fucking Green Machine Canberra Motherfucking Raiders are so good, in fact, that they have opted to give every other team in the comp a chance to win the premiership this year, and have decided not to win many games. It’s just another example of how truly wonderful this team is. I mean seriously, as if the Raiders could possibly lose to the Titans and the Tigers and Manly and Cronulla…actually, pretty much everyone… unless they had decided to give the 2 points away prior to kick off.

It’s the same way you let your little sister get you out when you’re playing back-yard cricket.

Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs vs North Queensland Cowboys
Wests Tigers vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Melbourne Storm
vs Penrith Panthers
Cronulla Sharks vs Gold Coast Titans
Brisbane Broncos vs New Zealand Warriors
Manly Sea Eagles vs Sydney Roosters
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Parramatta Eels

A few games there that are sure to get people a bit excited (well, as excited as you can be about a game that doesn’t involve the Raiders) – of particular interest is the St George vs Tigers match which will determine just how shit the Dragons are going right now; and the Brissy vs Warriors game that threatens to be a decent contest between two teams who are in good form. To be perfectly Francine, that one is likely to be a 16-all draw.

Upset of the round:

Doggies to beat the Cowboys. I’m not tipping them, but it just might happen.

Game of the round: Newcastle Knights vs Canberra Raiders

Normally, the Raiders would be gentlemen about this game and say, “Novocastrians, please jog past me to score a try; I promise I won’t even attempt to tackle you. I feel sorry for you because you don’t live in Canberra and have access to Questacon every day of the week. Hell, you don’t even have Silverchair anymore, and that makes me sad for you.” But since August is Canberra Appreciation Month, they will stand up for their city and win big to commemorate this exciting time.

Players to watch: Josh “Tampon” Dugan. He’ll be easy to keep an eye on; he’ll be the bloke sitting on the sideline eating pies and earning about $400,000 a year. In the four minutes he plays before being injured though, he’ll probably also somehow manage to score a few tries as well. Although, with Kurt Gidley standing between him and the tryline, it’d be embarrassing not to rack up at least 60.

MEB cumulative score: 91

Canberra Stadium wanted to commemorate the brilliant career of Mal Meninga with a statue. Unfortunately, they could only afford one of Andre the Giant

Thursday, August 04, 2011

New Releases $7 each or three for $25

“Hey look kids, I brought home a DVD!”
“Aw dad, not Weekend at Bernies again - we watched that last week!”
“I know, but I got this one… from Blockbuster in Kingston!”

When you rent a DVD from Kingston, you can rest assured that you are in for a unique viewing experience. Whether it’s a timeless classic like Predator, or an action-packed explodathon like Predator II, each time you put the DVD into the player, you might as well be watching a completely different movie – or no movie at all!

The staff at Kingston Blockbuster are specially trained not to clean any returned discs, and in fact go out of their way to ensure that each movie has been personally chewed by the store’s manager.

And that’s a guarantee.

You’ll miss entire chapters of the movie, have no sound, mismatched vision and random pauses within the film. Have you ever wished that the Lord of the Rings trilogy just kept going? Then rent the movie from Kingston, and experience that feeling! Do you cry when Leonardo diCaprio dies in Titanic? Just pick up a copy from Blockbuster and there's a good chance he'll never get on the ship in the first place.

"My DVD didn't work when I rented Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I'd like a refund, please."

"Then we just did you a favour. Go fuck yourself." At Blockbuster Kingston, you pay for the experience of renting a movie, not for the pleasure of watching it. Just don’t try and bring it back late, or they’ll take your first born as compensation.

Ooh this looks like a good one.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Canberra factoid of the day

It is a law that all nightclubs in Canberra play 500 Miles, The Grease Megamix and Blister in the Sun twice a night.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Canberra Fact of the Day

People opt not to live in Ngunnawal simply because they’re sick of trying to spell it.

Monday, August 01, 2011

Welcome to MEBCAM 2011

Happy Canberra Appreciation Month for 2011!

Fresh Prince of Canberra

Now this is a story all about Canberra
A place where you aren’t punished for driver error
So shut up about your big cities and how Canberra’s a bore
I don’t see anywhere else with suburbs called Harrison and Forde.

In South Tuggeranong, born and raised,
at the Hyperdome is where I spent most of my days,
Pacific 6, Sizzler, and Timezone were there
Tight black jeans and hightops, kids with rat-tailed hair
When all my favourite shops got boarded up again
I jumped on the 120 and started hanging out at Woden.
When I saw that McDonalds was inside, I knew I was wrong
To have spent so much fucking time down in Tuggeranong.

When you call for a cab, get your bank manager on hold
& when you wait for the bus it’d better not be too cold
If you don’t have a car, you’re right up Shit Creek
Which is as shitty as it sounds and has green algae outbreak.

Canberra has a lot of roundabouts, which some people don’t get
But it makes it easy to u-turn when you’re lost in Rivett
Visitors to the Berra can’t wait to pour shit on ya,
But they can go fuck themselves ‘cause we’re the capital of Australia.

Canberra's Lake Burley Griffin is so polluted that it reflects unnatural light onto the surrounding buildings

Friday, July 29, 2011

NRL 2011 Round 21: The beginning of the end

Happy 21st to the 2011 NRL comp WOOOOO. I bought you a funky photo frame and a hip flask that everyone chipped in $5 for. Now I’m going to get drunk on your free beer and try and hook up with your sister.

The top eight is still being shaped, with all but two teams (suck shit Roosters and Titans, you dickheads! NERRRR) still being mathematical chances to participate in the finals series. Seriously.

MEB's highlight predictions for the round:
Paul Gallen will be playing so shit-hot that he will quite literally burst into flames. While it will make him almost impossible to tackle, it will also kill him.

Scientists will discover that Todd Carney doesn’t actually squint; he just doesn’t have any eyes.

Mat Rogers will celebrate his 78th birthday with another Titans loss. He’ll thank the same people four times and tell them about the time he was room-mates with Phil Waugh, who he will keep calling “Steve.”

Jarryd Hayne will headbutt Billy Slater. Again. After the game, everyone will tell him that he’s a massive tool. Hayne won't care and will take new shirtless photos of himself for his Facebook page.

Round Vingt-et-un
Brisbane Broncos
vs Cronulla Sharks
Manly Sea Eagles vs Wests Tigers
Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs
North Queensland Cowboys vs Penrith Panthers
Newcastle Knights vs Gold Coast Titans
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Parramatta Eels vs Melbourne Storm

Game de round:
New Zealand Warriors vs Canberra Raiders

I am a staunch Canberra fan (just because I don’t tip them and call them big nancy blouse-wearing girls doesn’t mean I don’t like them), but when they can beat a team like the Dragons and yet lose miserably to the Storm and the Tigers by massive margins, it makes it a difficult task to remain faithful.


This week, they’re in like Flynn. Their season is hanging by a very thin, very frail ginger pube (everyone knows it’s Tonguey’s, but he’s denying it), which is when the mighty Green Machine plays their best footy. Plus, the Warriors have won their last three games and are probably due to suck. It’s kind of what they do. Inconsistency is a key part of their game plan.

Worst. Limbo. Ever.

MEB cumulative score: 86

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Australian Test Squad for Sri Lanka

I couldn't be fucked thinking of a clever title.

Michael Clarke (captain), Shane Watson (vice-captain), Michael Beer, Trent Copeland, Brad Haddin, Ryan Harris, Phillip Hughes, Michael Hussey, Mitchell Johnson, Usman Khawaja, Nathan Lyon, Shaun Marsh, James Pattinson, Ricky Ponting, Peter Siddle.

This week, Cricket Australia announced the Australian Test squad to tour Sri Lanka. The team basically symbolises the current CA mentality – one droopy eye looking at the past, one glazed pupil looking to the future and one finger slowly fishing around inside its left nostril.

The inclusion of Trent "Nickname Pending" Copeland and Jimmy "Robert" Pattinson is a good thing – nothing will prepare young fast bowlers for Test Match Cricket better than the flat dust-bowls of Lanka, and this will really test their mettle. They will also have the experience of Peter “Remember my hat-trick?” Siddle, Ryan “I’m injured!” Harris and Mitchell "I play cricket!" Johnson to rely on if the young kids start copping some stick from the wristy Sri Lankan batsmen. They're pretty used to being flogged, so they'll be able to remind the new guys that they still get paid, regardless of how shit they are.

For the slow bowling options, CA have opted to stick with their theory of “pick the bloke with the same name as the other bloke we didn’t like,” and have stamped Nathan "Paddle Pop" Lyon’s passport and ceremoniously given him Nathan Hauritz’s baggy white shirt. I have never heard of Lyon before now, but I’ll forgive myself for that (thank you, MEB), as he has only played four first-class games prior to this tour. Here’s hoping that Lyonsie is ready to go for plenty of runs and bowl sporadic spells that will stretch to a maximum of two over stints, as is Michael Clarke’s captaincy plan. Pup Clarke – determined to end bowlers’ careers 6 balls at a time. I'm not entirely convinced that Lyon is the right man for the job, or that continually picking people who have no experience is the way to go, but what would I know? It means that I might get the call up soon.

And then there’s Michael Beer, who some (not everyone) will remember as the bloke who was plucked from obscurity last year to play against the Poms in the final Ashes test. He took 1 wicket and went for plenty of runs, which meant that he fit in quite nicely with the rest of the team. As a result of this average showing (he is an average player who will probably be the first to admit that [second after I announce it, though]), he did not receive a contract from Cricket Australia to perform national duties this year, so everyone naturally assumed they’d seen the last of the left-arm “spin” bowler. But no. He’s back in the team and on tour.

Cricket Australia is treating the Australian team as if it was a reality TV show that was successful and popular when it first came out, until some fucktard genius at the network decided to “spice things up” a bit to boost ratings, and introduced mind-numbing weekly challenges, celebrity appearances, shithouse new rules, planned controversy and events that would “change the game… forever.”

When the Australian team was announced and the headline read “Uncontracted player called up for Sri Lanka tour,” Simon Katich must have pissed his pants in anticipation, dusted off his baggy green and walked sideways to the fridge for a celebratory ale. After reading the full story, he just went back to sitting in a darkened room, hating the shit out of Cricket Australia.

Oooh scary.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


People always say: If these walls could talk, imagine what they’d say?
I think the most common thing would be "I wish I wasn’t a wall.”

Thursday, July 21, 2011

NRL Round 20: The week that wasn’t

It’s 3pm on a Thursday, and David Gallop is sitting at his desk, sweating profusely as he slowly moves his mouse over the “refresh” button on his email.

“I can’t do it!” he cries. “Not again! Not again!” He reaches into the top drawer of his desk and lets his fingers trace the two objects contained inside. One is a bottle of Johnny Walker green label, and the other is a large handgun.

“Let’s see which fuckers have fucked me over one time too many,” he says manically to his waiting computer. He forcefully shuts his eyes and pulls the gun out of the drawer, holding it to his temple in a movement that is too slick to be anything except practiced. With his other hand, he clicks the left mouse button, finally refreshing a week of undelivered emails onto his screen. He imagines what is waiting for him on the other side of his clenched eyelids – police inquiries, rape allegations, drug abuse, Matt Orford’s contract being renewed, Todd Carney punching a midget stripper – and his grip on the gun tightens within his sweaty grasp. He slowly opens his left eye, allowing it to focus on the computer monitor in front of him.


Just two emails – one from Olomjuno Magutu from Nigeria, and the other telling him that Fatty Vautin had commented on his Facebook post about Sam Thaiday’s gut.
Gallop opens his right eye, and releases some pressure on the gun. Again, he clicks refresh. No new emails arrived.

“Well fuck me,” he says, replacing the gun in the drawer and pulling out the bottle of Johnny Walker and eagerly twisting off the cap. “You dipshits are all right.”Round Twenty:
Bulldogs v Parramatta Eels
Melbourne Storm
v Brisbane Broncos
Gold Coast Titans v North Queensland Cowboys
Wests Tigers
v Sydney Roosters
Sharks v Newcastle Knights
South Sydney Rabbitohs
v New Zealand Warriors
Penrith Panthers v Manly Sea Eagles

There are some genuine testicle-scratchers in there this week, and a few top-of-the-table clashes that will definitely get the punters punting about who to punt in the finals. While a few eyes will be watching the Melbourne vs Brisbane encounter, I think that most interest will be on the really shit teams who are all struggling to keep in touch with the top eight, despite the fact that all they’re really doing is delaying their Mad Monday celebrations and a trip to Bali with the boys to bond, celebrate and get herpes.

Canberra Raiders v St George-Illawarra Dragons

The Raiders were just pipped at the post last week in the form of a 26-0 heartbreaker to the Storm, who snuck home on the back of five unanswered tries.

It really has been a shit season for the Raiders, who are still trying to kid themselves that they are still somehow mathematical premiership contenders. I don’t know who’s doing the maths over there at Raiders HQ, but I’m probably not going to ask them to do my tax return. The game this weekend should put the final nail into the camel’s back that is the Raiders’ 2011 season, who are hiding behind an impressive record against the Dragons at Bruce Stadium. As the old saying goes, records are meant to be broken. Except for my Alvin and the Chipmunks record from 1982; that thing is awesome.

There's a reason why St George are coming third, and the Raiders are on the bottom of the ladder, and Canberra will discover that reason (again) on Monday night.

Reason why I don't play rugby league #2: It looks like it hurts

MEB cumulative score: 80

No Gary No!

Gary lost his hands in a farming accident and everyone felt horrible for him. On the positive side he had tried everything – patches, gum, hypnosis - but nothing got him to quit like those rotary blades.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

awkward moment

I bet there were heaps of cowboys left red-faced after they realised that their town was in fact more than big enough for the two of them.

Friday, July 15, 2011

NRL Round 19: It's Quitting Time

Big news broke yesterday that Mark “Gaz Gazzo Gazaroo” Gasnier is going to retire at the end of 2011. Bulldogs coach Kevin “Bloody” Moore said, “Fuck that, no big-chinned prick is going to steal my thunder!” so he quit immediately.

Gasnier, you’ve been served. Stop trying to steal headlines, you over-rated fuck.

Moore quitting the Dogs really shouldn’t surprise too many people; they’re having a fairly ordinary season and he was probably a week away from being sacked anyway. The team’s lack of talent probably has fuck all to do with the way he coaches, and more to do with the fact that Ben “Don’t-kick-it-to-me-don’t-kick-it-to-me FUCK” Barba can’t catch.

Stepping into Kevin Moore’s grave is Jim “Oh Yeah I Remember That Guy” Dymock, a bloke who played about a million years ago with varying degrees of success. He spent his first day at Doggies training playing Get to Know You games, including “Heads down, thumbs up” and “Who Stole the Cookie From the Cookie Jar?” It turns out Jamaal Idris did.

Round nineteen presents:
Warriors vs Bulldogs
Broncos vs Titans
Rabbitohs vs Roosters
Cowboys vs Tigers
Panthers vs Eels
Knights vs Sea Eagles
vs Sharks

There’s some fairly interesting match-ups in there – Rabbits v Roosters is always a ball-tearer, and it seems like the rivalry between those clubs is building up again nicely, so there should be a good amount of blood shed there. I’ll be surprised if everyone makes it out alive, to be perfectly francis.

Actually, that’ll probably be the only decent game. Everyone else is fairly ordinary. Including:

Raiders vs Storm

This is going to be fucking carnage. This is not a David and Goliath story, this is going to get messy, and there won’t be any underdog come-from-nowhere-to-win-against-the-odds kind of Hollywood bullshit magic from the Mighty Ducks on display at Canberra Stadium this weekend. There’s going to be torture and pain.

Canberra were all kinds of horrible last week against the Sharkies, a crap team in the middle of some good form. Melbourne are a great team in the middle of some great form, which doesn’t bode too well for our heroes in green (no, not the ninja turtles).

The only thing that can save the mighty Green Machine this week is if the Storm go into the game expecting to win, and win comfortably. I don’t see that happening this week though. I’m afraid they’re going to roll over the Raiders like an army made up entirely of tanks, if those tanks were driven by Batman and had flames painted on the sides and pop-up headlights.

Why I don't play rugby league #1: It looks like it takes a lot of effort

MEB cumulative score: 73

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Words that aren't on my Nokia #1

People who know me personally know that I have what is colloquially called “a really old phone.” I don’t even know what model it is, although I’m pretty sure it’s a “Nokia 1.” It cannot connect to the internet, it doesn’t readily accept picture messages, it can’t play music and it doesn’t take good photos. It runs out of battery power after about eight minutes and has a small SMS memory capacity. The screen is cracked and the battery falls out regularly, usually into a glass of beer.

Unfortunately, the default SMS dictionary is as limited as the rest of my phone, and many everyday words have been overlooked.

Words that aren't on my Nokia (hence the clever title of this post):

(and no, I can't explain why most of these words are animal names)

I don't need a new phone; this one does pretty much everything an iPhone does, except work.

Friday, July 08, 2011

NRL Round 18: This really is a long season, isn't it?

To the victors go the spoils – congratulations to the Queensland State of Origin team for another dominant display of rugby league. It was an interesting match to say the least.

For me, the game was lost within the first set of six by the Blues, when they kicked on the third tackle of the match. They might as well have taken off their pants, bent over a barrel and asked the Queenslanders to “go nuts.” An early kick isn’t always a bad option, but normally it’s used to gain considerable ground, find the sideline, or have a bloke running after it like a crazy fucking greyhound. The kick found Billy “Thanks, Don’t Mind If I Do” Slater on the full, and he was able to run back about twenty metres without being bothered by anything even remotely resembling a NSW chase.

And that, my dear readers, highlights NSW’s biggest problem during Origin III; their kicking game. For a team with three recognised pigskin-booters, they were unable to find any open space on the field at all. Each kick either fucked off into the fifteenth row of the stadium or went straight down the Maroon’s backline’s throat.

Slater, Dim Sim and Boyd (not the guy who used to be on Neighbours) had their feet superglued to the turf (I should know, I did the glueing), but every kick went straight to them. It was like the Blues were trying to injure Slater by making the ball hit him on the chest time after time after time. The Queenslanders, on the other six-fingered hand, had the ball on a string and tormented the NSW back three with accurate and deliberate kicks. Mitch “Best Halfback in the World - Just Ask Ricky Stuart” Pearce looked like he was a kid in the playground saying, “Look dad look how far I can kick the ball look dad dad dad are you looking look you weren’t looking!” while Thurston and Lockyer were more akin to the other kids who punt footballs at girls and hit them in the back of the head.

It was good to see that the two shittest players in the world had the two shittest games of all time, too. Well done Kurt Gidley and Whateveryourfuckingnameis Minichiello.

Round 18 looks like this:
v Titans
Eels v Tigers
Bulldogs v Storm
Roosters v Panthers
Sea Eagles
v Rabbitohs
Knights v Cowboys

There’s a couple of noodle-scratchers in there, with the Eels and Tigers game promising to be as exciting as watching a real eel and a tiger play football, and an interesting match-up between the Knights (hopefully Gidley won’t play) and the Cowboys, who will be missing Jonathan “Not As Injured As First Thought gimmemymagicwhistlenomnomnom” Thurston. I do enjoy watching the Cowbs play without Thurston – it’s like watching Braveheart if you edit Mel Gibson out of every scene. It just turns into a bunch of idiots wearing dresses running around and yelling in Scottish.

Sharks v Raiders

I can’t believe the Raiders have another game of the round. It’s almost as if I pick them deliberately every week.

The Sharkies and the Raiders are both resembling teams who have found a bit of form and still have “finals contender” tattooed across their brain. Both are coming off big wins over their respective opponents last week and are riding high on the kind of confidence that you get from punching someone in the back of the head. Someone smaller than you. Who’s asleep. And tied up.

As a team, the Raiders are FINALLY clicking, and Josh “Drop Kick of the Year” McCrone is playing out of his skin. Seriously, he’s like two people out there; a skeleton and a pile of flesh. It’s quite a sight to see. If the mighty Green Machine can knock over a determined Cronulla side who are enjoying some rare wins and even rarer support from their home base, the only thing that will stop them from carrying this momentum through to the grand final is all the other teams in the comp.

My tip: Raiders by eight and at least one more player to suffer a season-ending injury. Hopefully it will be Matt Orford falling down some stairs and landing on a cactus.

Surprise face sex makes a comeback

MEB Cumulative Score: 70

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

State of Origin III: It all comes down to this

Whenever a State of Origin series stands at one game all, the cynic in me always thinks, “Well that was a bit fucking predictable.” The money-grabbing cash-cow in me thinks, “Well that’s a good way to get a capacity crowd for (at least) $70 a ticket.” The pirate in me thinks, “Aaar, that’s a scurvy land-lubber if ever I seen one.”

In any case, it does make for a more interesting match, and as much as I have enjoyed the sight of watching NSW try and avoid 3-0 whitewashes in the past, there’s always that point during the game where you see their heads drop when they realise that they’re a bit shit, and the contest itself kind of dies.

This year is different.

No one (aka me) expected the Blues to win the second Origin game; but they did, and got there fairly convincingly on a strong performance by their forward pack. It’s not often that a bloke who plays for the Sharks dominates a game of anything except for the occasional Window Licking Championship, but Paul “Just Call Me God” Gallen put his arse-kicking boots on, pulled his socks up and did the job against the more highly-fancied Queensland boppers. I’m not saying that league players are idiots (because if anyone reads this to them, they might come looking for me and beat me up), but they seemed at a loss as to how to stop the rampaging Gallen, who was playing in an unfamiliar position. The fact that there was a different bloke running towards them somehow impeded their ability to tackle him; I was under the assumption that they had tackled other players before, but they couldn’t work out the body:body ratio required to halt his progress. For Queensland’s sake, I hope that Mal has given them some instructions on how to use their arms against unexpected ball runners.

Justin “Rep Footy or Nothing” Hodges is back for the Toads, making his annual appearance in the centres after the injury to Tonga in Game 2. Hodges’ hamstrings are made out of pixie dust and dreams, are held together with a half-sucked Chupa Chup, and have the consistency of jelly. He is unlikely to make it through the national anthem without limping to the change room for a massage. If he crosses the tryline at any stage of the game, he will be crossing the sideline for a leg replacement soon after.

And no half-arsed Origin write-up would be complete without some kind of tribute to Darren “Muttley” Lockyer, who will be wearing the maroon jersey for the last time (at least until he joins Maroon 5). The Queenslanders will be keen to see him off as a winner – personally, I’d like to see them all sit around and cry because they let him, themselves, their state and their parole officers down by not chairing him off the field in victory.

MEB’s Origin Decider Prediction

I’m going to stick with my head on this one and say that Queensland will prevail. The emotion of sending Lockyer off with a win won’t get to the experienced heads of those around him, and Thurston will improve a thousand per cent on his Game 2 form. NSW have too many “you’ll do” players who are appearing only because of injury for my liking, and waltzing onto the hallowed ground of Suncorp Stadium in front of a packed house of Queensland supporters will blow their simple, fragile little minds. Apparently Origin does that to a person. Hell, it’d scare me too – all those fucking Queenslanders. So few teeth. So much back hair. So few chromosomes. So much shared DNA.

Cameron Smith's blatant beard-rash attack on Robbie Farah's hand went unnoticed by match officials.

Friday, July 01, 2011

NRL Round 17: Third time’s a charm

Origin Three is dominating headlines again this week in the world of rugby league, as the decider draws ever closer. I may be alone here (hence the fact that I am not wearing pants), but I really can’t wait for this series to be over so we can get back to normal teams playing each other without having to worry about Darren “Strepsils” Lockyer or Paul “Garbage Truck” Gallen being gods on earth.

Or maybe it’s just that there really aren’t any players in Origin (either team) that I want to dry-hump that’s shaking my enthusiasm for the game. I remember back in the mid-90s when State of Origin was like seeing the Raiders vs Brisbane and everyone (me) went home happy, knowing that they’d just seen Big Mal smash Laurie Daley as Steve Walters and Brad Clyde punched the shit out of each other.

Another short round (“You call him Doctor Jones, lady!”) with teams made up of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed youngsters with a spring in their step and lollipop dreams instead of battle-hardened creatures carved from stone and beaten with rusty chains until they fart lightning and feel no pain. And it’s a tough round to pick because of this – some interesting match-ups with the Baby Broncos taking on the Shithouse Eels and a few underperforming walruses in the form of the Sharks and the Rabbitohs locking horns for a stoush that honestly, literally, metaphorically and figuratively could go both ways.

Eels vs Broncos
vs Bulldogs
Sharks vs Rabbitohs
Dragons vs Knights

Roosters vs Raiders

This game is shaping up to be another epic battle between two teams who really should be going a lot better than they currently are. It’s always a great contest between these two clubs as Canberra tries to unleash hell on their long-lost brother Todd “Fucko McFuckwit” Carney, who must be suffering from the bends with the pace at which he peaks and troughs.

The Raiders continue to astound statisticians and journalists the world over by somehow being a bee’s dick away from making the top eight, despite the only thing they’ve won this year was a game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey at Matt Orford’s 40th birthday party. It’s this kind of logic that will carry them to victory in this game.

Also, the Roosters are shit and I hate them.

The crowd (both of them) loves the awesome choreography and synchronisation of the Raiderettes.

MEB cumulative score: 67