Tuesday, July 29, 2008

sonny days, chasing the rain away

So... Sonny Bill Williams has decided to turn his back on the National Rugby League (NRL), duck off to France and become a Ruby-Union-playing-cheese-eating-surrender-monkey eh?

Well... I can't say that I have ever been a fan of ol' SBW, but I'm probably less of one right now. And yes, I've been reading stories about him and his contracts and rumours and hearsay and blah blah fucking blah, and all these fucking idiots saying, "LOL SBW did a good thing what if you where offerred three times as much as u where geting at ur job at a nother job down the road LOL off course you wood take it LOL." Good point, illiterate blogger, and yeah, I'd probably take it. But I'd probably also let someone know about it. You know, my friends, workmates, my boss. Just in case, you know, it didn't quite work out. I like to call it "being a decent bloke." Also, if I told people, I might get a farewell afternoon tea, and I quite like cake.

"But MrBerakfast the nrl cant pay him as much LOL he should b fine to sing another contract LOL"

No mate. A contract is an agreement. You’re supposed to honour such agreements. Especially considering that he was earning $400,000 a year, it shouldn’t be too hard to struggle through this one. . He's 22. What the fuck does this kid do with his money that suddenly $400,000 a year (that's over $7,500 a week, excluding endorsements and sponsorship) just isn't quite enough? How much did you earn when you were 22? And you know what he does for a living? He plays football. So far this year, he's played 11 games (and we'd have to assume he's not going to add to that tally), which is around $36,000 a game. The poor lamb, he'd better fuck off out of the country that made him a superstar athlete and earn more money. I fucking hate people sometimes.

Best of luck, Sonny Bill, you fucking hack. Bien venue de la club de crowbar.

Friday, July 18, 2008

why so serious?

I fucking hate computers. I had written the greatest Batman review ever, but it got eaten by cybertronics and was lost. So I'll try again...

I went to see the new Batman film last night, The Dark Knight. And it was awesome. Supercalifreakinawesome, in fact. It was so awesome, that it inspired me to write a review for it. And I only do that to other movies that I find awesome. At this stage, only Rambo has met my awesomeness criteria.

The Dark Knight is the best movie I have seen this year, and as such is the recipient of the Mister Evil Breakfast Award For The Best Movie That I Have Seen This Year (MEBAFTBMTIHSTY). That's high praise, considering that I saw Kung Fu Panda a few weeks ago. That's just how good this movie is. And I know I shouldn't say that, because you're all going to go into the movie with massively unattainable expectation, and you could be disappointed and you'll come out and say, "Hey Mister Evil Breakfast, this movie wasn't all that good LOL!!" And you might want your money back and I couldn't do that, cause I'm a bit broke at the moment.

I'll do my very best not to give too much away in terms of plot, so if you haven't seen it, you might want to not read this until you have seen it. I can recommend reading everything else on my blog instead, cause it's fucking hilarious. Seriously. It is.

First off, everything you've heard about Heath Ledger being megatops is true - and then some. Remember in 1989s Batman movie when everyone was going nuts about Jack Nicholson being the Joker and he was the best thing since cheese on toast? Yeah. In hindsight, you realise that ol' Jacky boy was really just acting like Jack Nicholson in a purple suit and white make-up. No offence, Nicho, but Ledger is face-meltingly good. There is no Heath Ledger in his performance. The gay cowboy and King's Cross strip-club guys were nowhere to be seen here. It's a bit of a shame that we won't see Heath in anything else (except maybe Weekend at Bernie's 3), because I'd be very interested to see where he would have gone from here. It's brilliant, seriously. I have a little man crush. As for the Oscar nod... well, I'd be disappointed if he didn't at least get a nomination. The Joker is scary, man. I peed a little (apologies to the people in the row in front of me for the mess). He's the kind of guy who makes you want to (a) be a psycho killer guy with makeup, and (b) learn more magic tricks.

Christian Bale reprises his role as Batman/Bruce Wayne, and takes a bit of a back-seat in this one, despite it being, you know, a Batman movie. But he's always hanging around, being all Batman-like, a smidge angry, a little psychotic, pretty charismatic and fairly attractive. There's also a nice throwback to the super-camp 1960s Batman tv show where he proves he can pretty much do anything - a "Batman is the only person in the world with a hand steady enough to paint false fingerprints" kind of anything.

The transformation of character between Bruce and Bats is pretty amazing actually - he really is playing two roles. And with the Kevlar armour and cape and glove things apparently comes a larynx scraping with a rusty fork, followed by a gargling of petrol (and not the dodgy unleaded stuff, the really good go-juice that costs like $1.90 per litre), cause his voice is all gravely and he sounds like he's about to cough up a Siberian Husky or something. It's pretty cool actually, and I was turned on just a bit (again, apologies to the row in front).

Aaron Eckhart is also tops... I don't really have much else to say about him. Oh wait, he plays Harvey Dent, an all-round good American guy. Yeah, he goes alright.

The movie is basically a trillion storylines all flowing around like potatoes in a wind tunnel, that all come to a nice little conclusion at the end, and to try and describe them all would be like juggling cans of tinned fruit - impressive, but not entirely entertaining for a long period of time. And I'd probably fuck something up and ruin everything, and besides, I can't juggle for shit. There are also little hints as to another sequel (a trequel, perhaps?), which people will be speculating on for a while yet. My pick: It will be dark. Like, super dark. So dark that you'd need night-vision goggles to watch it. Maybe not, but it'll be dark. It'll make The Dark Knight seem like A Fluoroescent Light Bulb. I'm just hoping that the lads involved in this one (the Nolan brothers, who are officially my favourite brothers ever, beating The Hardy Boys and the Waugh twins) stay around to write and direct it, cause The Dark Knight was tight in all aspects. I almost feel sorry for whoever is the next villain, cause they're gonna need to literally jump out of the screen and grab my eyeballs out of my head to even consider being on par with the Joker and the awesomeness of this movie.

Other bits about this fillum:

· Maggie Gyllenhaal's name is hard to spell properly, even when you're reading it from a piece of paper. It just doesn't look right. Also, she has replaced Katie Holmes in this one, and I'm still not sure if she's hot or not. I think she's ok. I dunno.

· George Clooney is still embarrassed about 1997s Batman and Robin, and rightly so. Arnie is wondering why people didn't think of him for an Oscar for his portrayal of Mr Freeze.

· There are at least two moments where you audibly say, "Ooooh fuck."

· You'll stop yourself the next time you lick your lips.

· Upon leaving the cinema, you won't trust anybody that you're with, but that's ok, because you will have absorbed superhero fighting abilities and you can fight them in the carpark.

· The intro is the most awesome thing you'll ever see, unless you spend your whole life watching awesome things, then you might just be like, "Meh."

Just go see it.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

whip hubley

Hollywood movie producers are looking at the little screen for their next big-screen success story, following the recent blockbuster Sex and the City. Based on four promiscuous, not entirely attractive old women, the show was a massive ratings winner for the networks lucky enough to have snagged the rights for it. The stories revolved around Carrie, Charlotte, the redhead chick and Samantha as they looked for love, romance and 'the perfect guy' in New York City, which proved to be quite difficult for the 'charmingly neurotic' women as they continued to find insignificant reasons to break up with decent men. In one episode that I may be making up, Carrie breaks up with her boyfriend after it is revealed that he only pretended to like cats while he was quite clearly more of a 'dog-person', or when Charlotte was urged to "hurry up and get changed" by her boyfriend who had arrived to pick her up for a date at an expensive restaurant that he had to pay for just to get a booking. Here's a newsflash for you, Charlotte: He doesn't care what you wear, just hurry the fuck up before they give the table away.

The series lasted around 90 years, which is also roughly how long the movie goes for. To date, it has grossed over $145,248,592 at the box-office. It is assumed that around $15 of that has come from people who have a set of testicles.

The interest in Sex and the City has also inspired the six main characters of Friends to rejoin for a movie-length episode of the highly-popular sitcom. Questions like: Will Ross and Rachel ever work it out? Will Chandler and Monica ever have a decent argument that's not resolved by one of them saying "I love you"? How do Phoebe and Joey manage to live in nice apartments and always have enough cash to hang around at a cafe all day, go out to dinner every night, see every movie that is released, have season tickets to the baseball, ice hockey and football, plus own designer clothes and throw lavish parties at will despite not having real jobs? are all set to be answered on the big screen.

An insider (i.e. someone with a blog) announced "David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston are the first to make positive noises regarding the film and it is thought once they are on board the others will follow suit."

That positive noise is often called ‘talking’, and it is assumed that the Friends actors are looking to add another page to their already impressive resume, which include The Pallbearer (David Schwimmer), Rock Star (Jennifer Aniston), The Whole Nine Yards (Matthew Perry) and Lost in Space (Matt le Blanc).

The TV-to-Movie phenomenon is not just exciting for fans of the original television series, but for the actors themselves, as they finally get more work after less than stellar performances in playing ‘other’ roles.

“Rachel is such a great character to play,” says Aniston. “I figure that since she was so great to play in Friends, it would be great to play her in Office Space and Along Came Polly, which were great movies as well. It was great to be able to show Rachel in a different setting, like, a different cafĂ© from the one she normally works in.”

Other rumoured small screen adaptations include Family Matters, where Jaleel White will reprise the once-famous Urkel character for a new generation of nerds. “Nerds today aren’t about science projects and calculators,” he has stated in interviews. “Now it’s all about World of Warcraft, the internet and being socially awkward, not socially retarded. It’s a very new approach to Steve Urkel’s character; one that I think will be really fun to play.”

Patrick Duffy has re-signed to play Frank Lambert in a movie-length Step by Step and Dave Coulier is in negotiations to make a comeback as Uncle Joey in Full House, but things aren’t as clear-cut on the set of the Saved by the Bell motion picture, with Dustin ‘Screech’ Diamond the only actor to turn up. “I guess the other guys got new jobs,” he remarks with his head slightly bowed. “Or maybe they’re playing another prank and are hiding in Mr Belding’s office.” After a brief search that reveals nothing, he continues to wait on the set “just in case.”

Australia will also attempt to cash in on the latest Hollywood fad, with several shows rumoured to be getting the treatment, including Pugwall, which features the Orange Organics struggling with the price of fame, fortune and the worst band name ever; as well as a movie-length feature of Con the Fruiterer. “People still relate to Con, I think this will be another step forward for the Australian Film Industry,” actor Mark Mitchell says. “I’ve read a first draft of the script, and it is really, really funny. It’s even better than the stuff I used to do for The Comedy Company. Really.”