Ads that need punching

I'd like to write a snappy intro for this entry, but I think the title sums things up quite nicely.

I don't understand how some ads are ever produced, or what possessed someone to think that whatever angle they were looking for was deemed funny, witty, unique or clever.

I've gone through about a thOUsand tv's in the past week due to punching the crap out of the screen in a Viking-like fury because of these ads. But it's been fun, and isn't that the main point?

AAMI

Why do all AAMI ads suddenly suck? Maybe they always have, and I just haven't realised. The current one that shits me is with the chick who is trying on rings in the jewellery shop, who just happens to have brought along a CD player with the Wedding March on it (or whatever it is, you know the one: Da na na na, da na na na, da na na na na na nananananana). She's after her boyfriend, Todd, to propose to her. What if poor Toddy can't afford it? Have no fear, it's AAMI to the rescue. By insuring your car with AAMI, you can save $230 or so.

Per year.

What a fucking crock of shit.

This chick would be SO pissed off if Todd gets down on one knee, looks into her eyes and opens that little velvet box to reveal... a $230 ring. She'd laugh at him and possibly kick him somewhere soft and precious. It's ok Todd, you won't be using them again anytime soon. That chick shits me.

Dominos Pizza

Dominos Pizza's latest advertising campaign is for their "all the way to the edge" pizza. For an extra $1, you get your pizza topping "all the way to the edge". No crust. So what exactly are you supposed to hold onto while you're eating this pizza? I'd rather be holding the crust than be elbow deep in grease and cheese, but maybe that's just me. And exactly how much extra topping would that account for? My guess is less than $1, considering there's about 30 cents worth on the rest of it.

While I'm talking about pizzas, why the hell is chicken on a pizza an extra $200 surcharge? Is there a sudden chicken crisis that I haven't heard about? Are their numbers dwindling? Not according to the Colonel, my friend. Not according to the Colonel. If I insure my car with AAMI, maybe I can afford three scraps of chook on my next Dominos special.

Coke

I'm not a fan of that Coke ("We're all in this together") ad either, and not only because that friggin song gets stuck in my head for months (and replaces the Prime Possum jingle), but because of the sickly sweet people featured in the commercial. The ad opens with an emo kid walking out of a shop and sitting next to a granny at a bus stop. The granny, seeing the smelly emo and deciding she wants nothing to do with his suicide attempt, stands to walk away. Emo offers her his Coke. She takes it, smiles and makes a new life-long friend.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

1. Apparently, the emo went into the shop just to buy a Coke to give it to the old duck. Normal people don't do this, so emos definitely wouldn't. I love the word 'emo'.
2. People, young or old, would never take anything handed to them by an emo.
3. An emo would never buy a Coke. Coke isn't black enough for them.

Coke ads have gone to shit, really. The one where everyone's dancing like they're tripping on acid sucks as well. Stupid Coke.

Anything with Ricky Ponting

Ricky Ponting annoys me at the best of times, but his latest forage into whoredom really tips me over the edge (or possibly "all the way to the edge" for another dollar). He's advertising "Swisse Multivitamins" or something equally as stupid, by comparing a typical day in the Ponting household as being a tough little work out. We see him sweeping the patio, throwing an apple core into the bin and putting some washing in the machine. SLOW DOWN, PONTS!!11!! You might hurt yourself there, tiger. Oh wait, you're taking vitamins. Well that's ok then. You might even be up to wiping down a countertop in the afternoon.

The worst thing about this ad (and pretty much every ad produced during Summer), is the use of terrible cricketing cliches, for which they seem quite proud of themselves.
Advertising Genius #1: "Hey lads, I think I've come up with a new angle for this vacuum cleaner ad - we could use a cricket player, and he can use some cricket-related buzzwords."
Advertising Genius #2: "That's brilliant. But didn't we do that last year?"
Advertising Genius #1: "Well yes, but last year we used Lleyton Hewitt and got him to use tennis-related buzzwords."
Advertising Genius #2: "Who?"
Advertising Genius #1: "Lleyton Hewitt. He's married to that chick who used to be in Home and Away."
Advertising Genius #2: "Oh yeah. I remember him. Worst campaign ever. All he did was yell 'c'mon!', something about dirt 'not being serious', and a rubbish line about 'jumping a net'. Are you sure this cricket one will work?"
Advertising Genius #1: "I guarantee it. Cricket and vacuums go together like a chicken surcharge on a pizza."

Without any further adieu, I present Mister Evil Breakfast's typical ad for a vacuum cleaner starring current Test captain (not for much longer) Ricky "Sellout" Ponting:

Ricky "I SUCK!" Ponting: "Sometimes finding time to play with my kids is like playing Warnie on a 5th day SCG pitch. Impossible, especially for me. But with the new Hoover Deluxe vacuum, I'm never 'out' of time. With increased suction power, it 'hits dirt for six' and is so powerful it can even suck up 'lost Ashes from 2005'. These vacuums will be going quicker than a Brett Lee yorker, so get into your nearest Hoover dealer before they 'run out'. You'll be 'stumped' by the price! Howzat!" Throw in a few shots of Ponts getting outplayed in the backyard by his 4-year old daughter, pretending that he doesn't earn $5 million a year and actually does some vacuuming and that's a wrap.

Ponting is also crap in his slot on the Valvoline ad. I smash my television every time that ad comes on. He should stick to licking windows and stop pissing me off so much.

FUCK IT. Ponting, you've made my crowbar list. AAAAAARGH!



Welcome to the list, Mr Ponting.

Mister Advertising Breakfast

Is it just me, or is there an absolute goat load of shit ads on tv at the moment? Sometimes the remote control is juuuuuust out of arm's reach, so I'm forced to watch these 30 second drivel pieces.

I proudly present:

SHIT ADS

Fresh Wick Air Spray (or whatever the fuck it’s called). An elephant and a centipede hook up, a 5 foot butterfly lends some milk to the cow next door. What does this have to do with air freshener? Fuck all and nothing, that’s what. Stupid, crap ad. Go to hell. I'd rather see a book of carpet samples talking to a left-footed gumboot about the demise of the Adelaide Rams than watch this retarded campaign carry on. Actually, I'd rather see the carpet samples talking to a gumboot more than anything. Anything.



The “Children See, Children Do” ad – not that I exactly hate it, but I’m a little confused. There’s a chick smoking, a bloke chucking his tinnie on the ground, a bird having a spew, a dude yelling at his Dry Cleaner, a little ferret yelling at a baby, which are all bad things yes yes no one’s disputing that… but then there’s some dude chucking rocks at a fence. What’s the deal with rock fence man? Maybe I’m an idiot, but I don’t see the fence complaining.



Coco Pops ads. They’re shit.



Rivers ads. Shit. And annoying. And they make me dizzy. And the one with the chicks running just looks plain uncomfortable.



The Tooheys Extra Dry ad with the numbnut with the stupid hair doing whatever the fuck he’s doing. You know the one, it doesn’t make any sense at all. He grows some pod things, and then rides his lawnmower. Yeah. It’s a shame, cause I was just starting to like Extra Dry again. Thanks for ruining that. Actually, TEDs have had a shit run of ads, starting with that one where the guy’s tongue goes for a wander. You suck, Tooheys.



The Snap Break Microwaveable Vegies ad. They don’t explain anything about why that guy has suddenly turned to eating his greens. It’s just crap, and the chick in it used to be in Breakers.



The KFC Toasted Twister ad, only because it has Fraser from Neighbours in it. Walking. But not acting.



The Telstra ad with Bob Geldof in it. I hate Bob Geldof for no apparent reason, so this one is there by proxy. The Dustin Hoffman one isn’t much chop either. I guess those guys need some money. A dumptruck of it would do nicely. Thanks Telstra.



Coke ads are annoying me. Pity. Coke is good shit.



Any of the Brand Power ads with a former Australian ‘celebrity’. Like I give a toss if Georgie Parker washes her dog’s nuts with Johnson and Johnson’s Dog Nut Formula, or if that chick from that other crap show has a migraine. Here’s a cure – take one glass of Toughen the Fuck Up and punch yourself in the throat.



Whatever the ad for “Team Australia” is all about – that’s just ridiculous. I never realised we missed Steve Irwin that much that we had to have auditions for Australia ’s biggest knob-end.



Any Dodo Internet ad with that stupid Tara Reid person in it. Actually, any Dodo Internet ad at all. Tara Reid just makes them worse. She’s not hot, she’s not talented, and I doubt that Dodo would have had the proverbial dumptruck to coerce her into doing it, which means she probably did it for the cost of three West Coast Coolers and a round of mini golf with the winner of Big Brother.



The AAMI ad with the little annoying girl in the backseat telling her dad how much petrol needs to be. I have almost mastered my mind powers to reach into the tv and punch her. And when I do it, you'd better be watching. Anyway, if she can find petrol for $1.10, I'll eat my own feet. Unless that car she's in is a Delorean and they're driving around at 88 miles per hour, that price of petrol is just not going to happen. She shits me because of the false hope that she represents. The only good thing about this ad is the hottie that they show at the end of the ad. That chick must be about a trillion years old by now.



These ads all suck. Give me 20 minutes, a budget of $40 (so I can buy a case of beer) and watch me write a thousand better ads.

Seriously. I need $40.