Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Mr Football returns...

...and demands respect.

Melbourne, The Demons

Melbourne is a pathetic club. They have not looked like winning a premiership in about six decades.
This is the club that makes up the numbers more than any other team.
If they were to fold nobody would miss them.
They have no spirit, no heart and no soul.

I won't even bother predicting where this team will finish because they are irrelevant.

- Mr Football

Thursday, March 15, 2007

fancy a tipple?

Mister Evil Breakfast’s Drinking Games
#1. The Biggest Loser

This is the most frustratingly frustrating television show since Chances. To spice it up a little, why not make a bit of a game of it?

For this, you will need:

* 1 television that picks up The Biggest Loser (without this, you’re pretty much just left drinking, which may not be such a bad thing)
* 1 couch or chair (recommended)
* a case of tequila (personal choice), a bucket of lemons & as much salt as is legal for one person to own

Let’s play!

- take a shot each time the tubbies are shown sitting around bitching about how hard life is, rather than exercising and not being so fucking fat (warning: excessive drinking is imminent).
- take a shot whenever Ajay has a vague look on her face (warning: can get dangerous).
- drink each time there’s any kind of recap (warning: each show contains about 2 minutes of new footage).
- shoot whenever someone mentions Damien being “an inspiration”.
- have a drink whenever Laura cries (warning: a funnel may be necessary).
- drink whenever Courtney talks about “playing the game.”
- have a shot when Shannan gets all excited about nothing. Seriously, is this guy the Crocodile Hunter for fat bastards or what?
- take a drink whenever someone “hurts” themselves and can’t participate, then complains that things are “just not fair.”
- shoot whenever Greg mentions that he’s the “strongest”, “fittest” or “fastest” in the game (make it a round 5 drinks if it’s all three).
- take three shots if you ever think “yeah, he/she is looking hot”. You sick puppy.
- take a shot when Munnalita acts like the world is against her.
- shoot whenever someone adds a useless voiceover (for example, when the screen shows the tubbies going into the gym, and there’s a shot of Mel saying, “And we went into the gym for a workout.” Fuck that shits me. I hate this show).
- chug when someone mentions their “journey”. You’re losing weight, you fat fucks, you’re not going anywhere.
- shoot if you see an ex-contestant (a) eating vegetables and looking happy; (b) running awkwardly and pretending they’re enjoying themselves; (c) playing with children and wishing they were in front of the couch with a bag of chips; or (d) showing you a pair of oversized trousers.

And that’s the way we play. Just remember: It doesn’t matter how much you vomit or for how long you’re passed out for after attempting this – you can take solace in the fact that you’re not an overweight media whore.

See you on next year’s Subway ads, Damo!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

possibly the best i've seen

Dear Channel 7,

I, like most dickheads, am a big fan of Lotto. The highlight of my sad, pathetic life is watching those little balls fly around the machine, and seeing them fall into the slots at the bottom. The people who host the show are very entertaining, and I love ‘meeting’ the panel of judges who are there to make sure there’s nothing untoward going on. I also quite enjoy seeing the “highlights package,” as I call it, during television shows. The bar across the screen with its rainbow of coloured balls fills my miserable heart with an emotion I can only assume is glee.

I was especially pleased last night to see that the “highlights package” appeared across the screen during a television show called ‘Heroes’. The scene in which it appeared was during an important exchange between two Japanese characters, who do not speak English, so sub-titles were a necessity. To have their dialogue completely hidden by the all-important Lotto results was almost too much for me to bear, and I had to change my underpants and do another Scotch-Guard of the couch. The Lotto results are the BEST! I don’t even buy tickets, I am just impressed by colour and movement.

It’s also great that I love Jamster commercials, who charge you hundreds of dollars to get the ‘latest’ pop song ringtone on your mobile phone. Sometimes you just can’t have enough Gwen Stefani and Justin Timberlake. I am glad that the Lotto results don’t interrupt these commercials, even if they are on three times in a single ad break.

Perhaps next week, you can run the Lotto results being drawn for an hour instead of showing ‘Heroes’. I am pretty sure no-one watches it anyway.


Spanknuts McSpazwank, Tasmania

Dear Channel 7 fucktards,

I don’t speak Japanese. Sorry. But thanks for putting the fucking Lotto results over the subtitles in Heroes last night. It has urged me to learn the language, cause I know you fuckers are going to do it again.

Burn, you bitches.

Mick (via email)

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Mr Whiskas Breakfast

Geelong, the Cats

Geelong is the last one-team-one-town club. Now before there is an influx on the blog about Sydney and Brisbane being one-team-one-town clubs a few things need to be taken into account, i.e. the AFL in their wisdom are trying like buggery to exploit the western suburbs of Sydney and Brisbane. That is why every near bankrupt Victorian side are playing games in these cities, e.g. Kangaroos, Demons, Blues and Dogs. So really Brisbane and Sydney are not one-team cities any more. Catfish?*

Back to Geelong. In 06 they won NAB Cup. I happened to be sitting on a plane from Adelaide to Melbourne that was filled with a tribe of drunk players, AFL cronies and general hanger-oners the morning after Geelong won the cup. These tossers were ecstatic; they thought that Geelong FC had risen to its former glory circa 1930. With a thought process like this, it is no wonder they fucked up the rest of the season.

The NAB Cup is a sham. It is called the pre-season because the season has not started yet. There is no glory in winning a game outside of the season. However, when you are a pathetic rabble like Geelong, you don't understand this. As a point of interest, Carlton won it the year before Geelong - they celebrated their success by collecting two wooden spoons.

A football team's list is a paradox. Let me explain. Geelong have a good list, the reason being that they were shit for so long. The AFL, which has less honour than the Mufti of Sydney, rewards incompetence and punishes competence. It is a flawed concept and that is why the best clubs i.e. Adelaide, WCE and Essendon are never down for long and shit clubs like Geelong, Melbourne, St Kilda, Fremantle and the Bulldogs have not won a single premiership between them since Australia changed from pounds and shillings to dollars and cents even though the AFL keeps loading them up with draft picks and cash.

Geelong players are spoilt and selfish; this attitude is bred by a club that has no vision. When teams fail to be able to move on after losing a Grand Final, they fall in a heap real fast. Geelong played in the GF in 89, 92, 94 and 95. It is now 07 but they are still harping on about how they were so unlucky - the truth is that they were not good enough. For three of those GF's they had The Messiah at the helm (albeit he was yet to become the Messiah). They also had God and Buddha playing for them (these nick names are all real).

Geelong will improve marginally from last year, but they still don't have the respect of Mr Football. Prediction 8th.

*gratuitous Simpsons reference.