Friday, July 26, 2013

NRL 2013 Round 20: No one cares, Benji

Has everyone stopped laughing/crying/pissing themselves over Benji Marshall’s upcoming departure from the NRL?  Yes?  Good.

Honestly, Benji, you need to take yourself a bit more seriously.  I mean, you’re a football player.  That is your profession.  Don’t be modest, tiger, being a football player is a really important job.  You really shouldn’t make your decision to stop playing football so lightly; I mean, fuck man, the world just won’t be the same without you playing football professionally. 

Here’s some news for you, Benji “Ethan Hawke” Marshall – as a general rule, everyone fucking hates their job.  Not many people get paid to fuck around on a field for 80 minutes a week, while spending the rest of their week at the gym, going to footy training and playing video games.  If you’re sick of the politics of being the top commodity in someone else’s organisation and want to keep your integrity, go and sort mail in the basement of a new business.  Go and cook burgers for minimum wage.  Learn a trade.  Become useful. 

Last Friday night, the Tigers were beaten by the Warriors 24-14 in Benji Marshall’s final home-ground appearance.  The crowd was respectful to Benj, who obviously like him a whole lot more than I do (it’s not hard though, to be perfectly Francis).  I guess even a (very small) part of me wanted Benji to do something in the game, but as time ticked by, he kept trying new and spectacular things to no avail.  And here’s why – no one knew what the fuck he was doing out there… including Benji.  When his flick-passes and behind-the-back shenanigans work, it’s not just because of Benji; it’s because his teammates are reading the play and running the right lines.  When he just starts throwing 40-metre cut-out passes without looking and hoping to fuck that his winger is just there to run onto it, it’s horrible.  And while Benji is undoubtedly a good player, I think the Tigers will be better off with someone else in the play-maker’s number six jersey.

But that’s just me, and I’m a bitter man.

Round 20

Cowboys vs Broncos
Bulldogs vs Eels
Titans vs Rabbitohs
Warriors vs Storm
Sharks vs Panthers
Knights vs Roosters
Tigers vs Sea Eagles

A couple of headaches this week with a whole lot of shit teams playing each other, namely Brissy and the Cowboys.  I’m going for the Cowboys, simply because you have to go for someone, and they’ll do. 

The Rabbits should bounce back from last week’s shock loss… Inglis is still out with a mystery knee injury that could keep him out for another few weeks – if Souths are actually struggling to win games because their fullback is missing, they should probably rethink the other twelve idiots on the field. 

Everyone else blah blah blah, shouldn’t throw up too many surprises, but it probably will anyway.  I’m still not sure how the Eels are still getting Friday night games televised every week. 

 Game of the week

Dragons vs Raiders

The St George Dragons recently signed young Raiders halfback Sam Williams, bringing the total number of ex-Canberrans donning the Red V up to seven.  I guess buying an entire club’s players is one way to break a sporting hoodoo, but it’s probably not the best way. 

This week is the first chance that the Raiders will have to play against disgraced/disgraceful ex-player Josh Dugan.  It will also be the first reunion of Blake Ferguson and Josh Dugan following a night that got Fergo booted from the NSW Origin side, dropped from the Raiders and kind of arrested.  I would love to give ol’ Blakey the benefit of the doubt and say that the weekend will pass by without incident, but I don’t actually think that will happen, and Mr Ferguson will be joining Benji Marshall in the dole queue next Monday.

As for the actual outcome of the match, I think Duges will try too hard (also like Benji) in proving that he was hard done by when he was released by the Raiders, and MY GOD I hope that story is true when it says that he won’t be welcome to have a beer with them after the game.  Sometimes people just need to sit back and reflect on their decisions in life.  Like in Return of the Jedi, when Jabba the Hutt is strangled to death by Princess Leia, he probably thought, “I wish I hadn’t have picked her to be a slave.”  Similarly, Josh Dugan will hopefully say to a closed Raiders’ dressing room door in front of him, “I wish I wasn’t such a fuckwit.”

Raiders by 13, because I love field goals.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Round 19: Wow, Round Nineteen.

The 2013 State of Origin series will from hereon in be remembered as “the one that should have been the best series ever except it was ruined by the fat guy who streaked in the last game and effectively fucked it up for everyone” whereby it should probably be remembered as “the usual shit that is only memorable for thefat guy who streaked in Game Three.” 

The fact that this fat fuck could run 140 metres is astounding – but to have him run 140 metres while evading security is a whole other achievement.  NSW forward Ryan Hoffman was quoted as saying, “"I'm not going to have a go at the security. But from a player's view, we're worried about safety.  If I tripped over him and hurt myself I would have been filthy.”  Hoff, if you tripped over him, you deserve to be injured.  Accidentally running into that guy would be akin to accidentally walking off the edge of the Grand Canyon because you “didn’t see it.” 

Congratulations to Queensland for notching up their eighth series win in a row.  However, as I have commented before on this blog, I predict that it will be the last series win by the Maroons for quite some time, as the NSW up-and-comers come up and the Queenslanders will get a bit older, slower, more injured and generally shitter.  It’s time for Inglis to go to fullback, Slater to hit the wing, Thurston to fuck off, some other blokes to fill in the centres.  Easy.  I could do Mal Meninga’s job (honestly, I think I could; except for his role on the Malaganis-Edwards-Johnson commercials).

I could also do Laurie Daley’s job (better than him) by sacking Mitch Pearce and shooting him into the sun.  For the 2014 series, I’d probably bring in Todd Carney and partner him with John Sutton in the halves.  And you know how much I hate Todd Carney, so you know that hurt me a lot to type.  A lot.  Like heaps.  I’d also get rid of Aaron Woods, who is the softest fucking forward that has ever had his laces tied for him in Origin.  I don’t know why NSW thought that picking the bloke from the Wildlife Fund who dresses up as a koala and gives hugs for $1 was a good idea, but hopefully it will be his last game at this level until he replaces the pillows on the end of his arms with hands.

Round 19

Benji Marshall dropped a bombshell this week by announcing that he’s leaving the Tigers, despite having another three years left on his contract.  He’s going to probably try his hand at playing Rugby Union, which should suit him to a tee, as he doesn’t have to tackle anyone, and can kick it out on the full as much as he wants to. 

In an exclusive interview with the Footy Show last night (I should have just stayed watching the cricket, to be honest), Benji defended his actions by declaring himself to be “loyal and honest, and full of integrity” and “expecting the same from the club.”  As far as I know, the Tigers were paying him to play, which pretty much wraps up their duties to him right there.  As for all the other shit that is going on at the Tiges, I can’t really comment on, because I just don’t care that much.  I’m sure they have their reasons though.

So for the turmoil that Benj is causing at the ol Wests club, I’m not tipping them.  Also because the Warriors are playing quite well.  Marshall has asked the crowd not to boo him when he runs out this weekend; let’s just see how the fans react to this loyal, honest player.

I’m going for the Roosters over the Sharks… just because.  I don’t need to explain myself to you people.

Everything else pretty much writes itself.  Good teams over the bad ones etc.

Tigers vs Warriors
Roosters vs Sharks
Panthers vs Knights
Sea Eagles vs Titans
Rabbitohs vs Dragons

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Eels

In their last game, the Mighty Fucking Canberra Raiders gave it their best effort to lose to the Cowboys, who are sitting pretty at the arse-end of the table.  It was the kind of win that the Raiders needed to have, but convinced absolutely no one of their credentials as a proper final eight team.  If they can flog the pants off the Eels this weekend, it will go a good way to proving that they can put teams to the sword and can play some strong, solid, consistent footy. 

But since it’s the Raiders, it will be a scrappy, shitty win.  At least it’s at Canberra Stadium, where the Raiders are looking at a straight billionth win.  It’s also probably going to be -5 degrees and pissing down with rain, so if they can combine their previous form of dropping the ball every time someone looks at them with cold & wet conditions, the crowd is in for a fucking treat.

Still.  Raiders by 30.

If anyone out there has PhotoShop and wants to insert a penis into this picture, be my guest.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Round 18: Remember the NRL?

There’s a round of football on this weekend, if anyone still cares.  Probably not right now, as Australia puts aside their “Rugby / League / AFL is better!” differences and agrees that cricket is fucking awesome (and soccer is shit).  There’s something special about an Ashes series – and there’s something even MORE special when Australia springs a surprise awesomenaut out of nowhere and unveils a potential mainstay, future captain, poster boy, marketing wet dream and potential man-crush for me.  I’m not saying that Ashton Agar is any of these – fuck, the guy has only played one Test more than I have, so let’s get off our knees for a moment – but if there’s something that Australian cricket needs, it’s a guy like him; quiet, unassuming, not a cock, educated, can play cricket.

Anyway.  NRL eh?  Ah yeah, I remember this thing.  Thirteen dickheads running at each other.  Right.

In good news this week, the NRL is back to its best, with star import George “I’mNot Sam” Burgess having his dick go viral on Twitter and Facebook.  And possibly Instagram, Pinterest and Tumblr.  It might have even made MySpace and LiveJournal.  Here’s an idea to everyone who’s thinking of taking a photo of their cock, norgs or jutz to send to someone “special” – don’t.  Just put your pants back on and your phone away.  The NRL haven’t penalised Burgo, which is a good thing, as being a fucking idiot isn’t a crime, but Souths have advised him to wear pants more often. 

Round 18:

Broncos v Sharks
Eels v Panthers
Bulldogs v Storm
Cowboys v Sea Eagles

I’m tipping the Sharks to continue to piss on the Bronco’s season (even though the Broncs are doing a fair enough job of that themselves).  Peter “Sterlo” Sterling came out during the week to tip that this will be the first time since the Queensland clubs were allowed into the comp that they won’t have any representation in the finals.  While no one ever really expects the Titans to bother anyone in the top eight, we’ve become accustomed to seeing the Broncos get bundled out in the first round, and the Cowboys soon after.  I guess we’re also accustomed to seeing Peter Wallace line up for Brisbane, which probably explains an awful lot.

I’m tipping the Panthers to keep the Eels stapled to the bottom of the ladder – no surprises there.  Sticky Ricky Stuart has sacked halfback Chris Sandow for being shit, and Jarryd Hayne’s broken leg didn’t quite heal in time for him to come back.  Unless Brett Kenny laces us his boots for the rest of the season, it’s not looking good for the ol Wattsamatta Eels.

Fuck the Storm during Origin time.  Fuck them in the ear.  They’d better lose.  Same with the Cowboys, who are playing gobsmackingly poor fooseball right now.  When the Raiders can pile a few tries on you, you know you’re travelling poorly.  And last week, the Raiders didn’t just invite the Cowboys to come back into the game, they drove over to their house, had drinks with them, ordered a pizza, decided to head to the pub, called a taxi, paid for it, smashed a few schooies together, and organised another mate to come and pick them up.  Then they invited them back into the game.  That didn’t really work, but I’m keeping it in (that’s what she said).


The Cowboys are terrible. 

Game of the Round

New South Wales v Queensland

Mate against state, plate against Tate, great against invertebrate.  It all comes down to this final game… which Queensland will win.  Paul Gallen was ruled out today with dwarfism, which has thrown the NSW camp into complete chaos as they decide who will be overrated, a thug, a sore loser and a cheat – in the end it was decided that Greg Bird and Anthony Watmough will share the honours.  Robbie Farah will lead the team onto the field, in a decision that I applaud, as the captaincy responsibility should definitely go to someone.  And Robbie really personifies that quality. 

NSW have opted to retain the same halves combination that didn’t do anything in Game One or Two.  I’m not sure who Mitchell Pearce is sleeping with to retain his place in the side, but it’s probably Laurie Daley and all of the selectors.  Johnny Sutton should be feeling a bit gipped about not making the squad, but it also means that he can get on the piss while he watches cricket this week.  And he won’t have to risk being James Tamou’s room-mate and accidentally fall into his mouth.  Seriously, Tamou has a huge mouth, and his jaw doesn’t always look like it connects the two halves of his head. 

I still think that despite the inclusion of Jonathan Thurston, QLD will be too good.  Keep in mind that this will be the last time that Queensland wins anything for ages though.  In the future, they should move Slater to the wing and Gringlis to fullback.  They will be forced to drop Thurston (like the Cowboys should have done), and Tate has already announced his intentions to leave rep footy after this series so he can return to playing Roger Ramjet’s chin.  So there’s plenty of changes to keep in mind over the next season or two.    

Goooooooooooo Queensland.

For a sec, I thought, "Tom Waterhouse and Mitchell Pearce look a bit alike."  Then I put their pictures together and realised, "No they don't.  They're just both fuckwits."

Friday, July 05, 2013

NRL 2013 - Round 17: The Survey Says...

Some great news for Rugby Union fans from the NRL this week – Sonny Bill Williamshas committed to staying with rugby league and the Sydney City Roosters for the 2014 season, so we can expect him to be pissing off back to New Zealand to pick up his All Black’s jersey around March.  

In other traditional news, another high-profile NRL player was charged with offensivebehaviour while out and about in Kings Cross, as David “The Wolfman” Williams found himself in a spot of bother this week.    My favourite part of this story is undoubtedly the line "It is understood that Williams’ teammate Justin Horo and Manly’s assistant coach Andrew Johns were also out on the night with Williams."  Good ol’ Andrew Johns.  Not only is he a massive dickhole of a commentator, a shit coach and completely rubbish as a media personality, he’s a massive dickhole, shit and a completely rubbish bloke. 

Good player, but.

A recent survey from some dickheads also found that Australians thought that the Cronulla Sharks were the most deceitful club inAustralian sportIf someone asked me that question, I don’t think I would automatically go for Cronulla; to be honest, sometimes I kind of forget that they exist at all.  Surely the Melbourne Storm and the Canterbury Bulldogs are a bit shit in that department, you know, by way of breaching the salary cap and having to hand over premierships and all that?  All the Sharks have done is bring in Todd Carney, who brought in a whole lot of drugs.  It was always going to happen.

In other key results:
 * Melbourne fullback Billy Slater was rated the most ‘marketable’ NRL star – heading a hot field that includes, in order, Johnathan Thurston, Greg Inglis, Cam Smith, Cooper Cronk and Benji Marshall.  I think we’re all still in some shock that Cooper Cronk was beaten in this category.  Personally, I’m still shocked that people haven’t realised that he’s rubbish.

* South Sydney fullback Greg Inglis is regarded as the most competitive Australian athlete, winning ahead of stars like tennis ace Sam Stosur and cyclist Cadel Evans.  Playing 80 minutes of footy is a bit different to the competitiveness of flogging a bike around France, but I’ll just agree with the masses.  I’m sure Sam Stosur is as competitive as anyone though.  Except when it comes to tennis.

* Newcastle fullback Darius Boyd is considered the most "fake" leaguie.  I don’t even know what this means.  He definitely exists.

* Penrith are the most unappealing NRL club.  Has nobody heard of Manly?

* Sonny Bill Williams is league’s best looker.  I think this means that he is the “best looking league player.”  I wouldn’t disagree, only because if Sonny ever finds out that I don’t rate him, he’ll beat me up and have his way with me.  Also, I’ll be making jokes about how shit he is for leaving his club while he does it.  Then I’ll make fun of how rubbish union is while he’s cuddling me afterwards.

Union is shit though, seriously.  If we have learned nothing else from the series between the British and Irish Lions and the Australian and Other Places Wallabies, it’s that union is shit.  Israel Falou scored with his first touch in international rugby, which would make it about his third touch in rugby overall.  He bamboozled the defence by running at them, instead of booting the ball into the eighth row of the crowd, spitting on the ground and then clapping himself for doing so.  Well done, Izzy.  You’re a true “athlete.”

Round 17:

The Storm screwed me out of a perfect round last week.  I blame Cooper Cronk.  But I’ll tip them this week, because they’re playing the Broncos. 
Tiges to continue their good form, Panthers to sneak home against the Titans (who I’d also forgotten existed), and Manly to hopefully show up when they host the Eels.  No guarantees though, it’s Manly. 

Storm v Broncos
Sharks v Tigers
Dragons v Roosters
Titans v Panthers
Bulldogs v Knights
Rabbitohs v Warriors
Sea Eagles v Eels

Game of the Round:

Raiders v Cowboys

Last week, the Raiders had their first, last and only televised game for the NRL season.  They didn’t go so well, narrowly going down to the Rabbitohs by 34 points.  I’m still not sure how Canberra can only rack up one televised game per year – there are 75 games involving 150 teams in a 16 team competition should probably be spread around a bit better.  Parramatta, who are still at good odds to take out last place, have four more games being televised this year, after having about a thOUsand matches shown already.  Canberra do have a couple of Saturday afternoon games coming up, in contrast to the recent trend of Saturday night romps. 

An NRL spokesperson said, “At this stage we are not considering making Saturday afternoon football an ongoing part of the NRL match schedule.  There is, however, a curiosity both on our part and of our broadcasters to see how fans respond to the timeslot, both in terms of game-day attendance and TV ratings.”  Here’s a prediction, dickhead – ratings will suck, because the games aren’t being televised. 

As for this week, I’m tipping the Raiders for absolutely no fucking reason at all.  They’re playing like shit, and the Cowbs are playing well.  It makes no sense, but this game – THIS GAME – will be the one that turns the Green Machine season around.  So help me God.  

Remember when Josh Dugan fought a midget?