Friday, June 27, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 16: Bottoms up!

There's not a whole lot going on in league this week - to be fair, it is a long-standing Australian tradition to give absolutely no fucks about standard sport during the State of Origin series.  Plus there's some kind of soccer world cup going on where a bloke is eating everyone, and a tennis tournament that... is... um... on Channel 7.  Wimbledon is nonsense, I would rather watch soccer.  No I wouldn't - I'd just watch an episode of Home and Away that I taped during the week.  How good is that show?  It's the best.

Round 16 of the NRL is upon us, so there's only about 10 days til the next Origin match.  To get in the mood for the round this week, we need to find something other than team pride and personal tipping contests to make it interesting.  In true Mister Evil Breakfast fashion, we turn to the magic of alcohol.

This weekend, while watching the NRL (on free-to-air, glorious Standard Definition Channel 9):

- Whenever an ad for The Voice comes on - drink
- If you see advertising for KFC - drink (and eat KFC)
- If Gus Gould and Rabs Warren get into an argument - drink
- If that argument is about the pronunciation of a player's name - bonus drink
- If Ray Hadley says: 
  • kick to come 
  • wing three quarter 
  • acting half
  • loose head and feed

 - drink
- When the ref microphone picks up him telling teams to pack a scrum, and he says, "HEADS DOWN BOYS. HEADS DOWN. EVERYONE BIND," and no one does - have a drink
- If Joey Johns gets a bit too excited about something that Jarryd Hayne does - drink
- When Greg Bird does his "Greg Bird" face - finish your drink
- If you see a player who has made a poor facial hair choice - drink
- If a commentator manages to crack a boner about a player who is not playing the game that is currently on - drink 
- If that player is Hayne, Thurston, Slater, Smith or Inglis - bonus drink
- If that player is Sonny Bill Williams - finish your drink
- Every time Phil Gould refers to someone as 'a good young player' with a lot of potential -drink
  • If he's a Panthers player - bonus drink

- If Cronulla scores a try - drink
  • If Cronulla punch over a field goal simply to beat their current points drought - finish whatever's in your fridge

- During post-match interviews, when you hear a player say, "Full credit to the boys" - drink

Round 16

Manly Sea Eagles vs Sydney Roosters
Brisbane Broncos vs Cronulla Sharks
Wests Tigers vs Canberra Raiders
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
New Zealand Warriors vs Penrith Panthers
Parramatta Eels vs Newcastle Knights
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Melbourne Storm

Drink up!

Friday, June 20, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 15: WOOOOOOOOOO

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO news OUth wakles won the Origins fot the fisrt time sinze fucking dog’s balls and everony loves LAurie Daley laurielaurie wooooooo get on the HAYNE TRAIN PLAYNE MAIN GAME STRAIN BRAIN FRAME thiong you sputid qUEnsland dickwits & I’mve been out paRTYINg like ITS’ 1999 in the USA an I’ll cry if i wan too.  Woo newsouthwalse you’r e the best around nuthins gonnakeepyoudown

So basically we can all thank one person for this historic event:  the woman in the yellow dress.

Without her divine intervention, Laurie Daley would have been a numpty like all of the numpties who have gone before him, and picked motherfucking Mitchell Pearce in the NSW team.  The Woman In The Yellow Dress had other thoughts, and used a scientifically tested mixture of alcohol, goodlookingness and NRL mentality to lure Pearce into (a) trying to hook up with her, (b) trying to assault her, and (c) being told to “fuck off” by everyone. 

Stroke of genius, Woman In The Yellow Dress.  The world thanks you.

So Origin Game II was played and won by NSW, wrapping up the series for the first time since the Pyramids were trampled by a stegosaurus.  Well done and all that to NSW, but let’s be seriously serious with each other here – it wasn’t a tip-top game by anyone’s standards, and would probably be best described as “I don’t understand what’s going on.  I thought these guys were professionals?”  The ball handling was non-existent, the passing game consisted of “pass once to the left and see what happens” and after the referees completely lost control of the game, it turned into a battle of face vs elbow in every single tackle.  It did show how Jonathan Thurston reacts to frustration (grubby) and also how Cameron Smith reacts to Paul Gallen rubbing his grubby elbow in his face (grubbily) and how Greg Bird is all the time (grubby). 

Round 15

Most Origin players have been named as playing, but we all know that they probably won’t.  They’ve all done way too much cocaine over the last three days that it’s really not safe for them to be doing anything physical lest their chest literally explode.  Literally.

In ironic news, it appears that Brent Tate’s career could have ended with his last Origin match, as a torn ACL may have quashed any plans for an extension on his contract.  I don’t know what the odds were on him ending his career to a leg injury instead of, you know, his BROKEN FUCKING NECK, but I do know that I lost $10 on from it.

New Zealand Warriors vs Brisbane Broncos
Cronulla Sharks vs Manly Sea Eagles
Melbourne Storm vs Parramatta Eels
Gold Coast Titans vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Newcastle Knights vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Canterbury Bulldogs

I would love to be able to say that I had faith in the Raiders.  But that would be a massive lie.  They have looked absofuckinglutely terrible this year, and Ricky Stuart came out this week claiming, “They’ll get worse before they get better.”  Way to go, Rick. 

Dogs by a fucking trillion.

Friday, June 13, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 14: More Origin Nonsense

We're counting down the seconds until State of Origin 2 kicks off, and both state coaches continue to add players to their squad.  NSW coach Laurie Daley is at least adding players to cover holes in the team, while Queensland coach is calling anyone who has at least played a game of touch footy on the beach during a schoolies trip to pull on a Maroon jersey.

Loz has called Josh Dugan into the NSW team to cover for the loss of Josh Morris.  Dugan has had a grand total of two games experience in the centre position - one game against the Broncos (I think), in which he was spanked by anyone and everyone who deemed in necessary to score a try down his side of the field, and the other against Cronulla, who were fielding a third-string disabled girls team, in a game in which not only did it make Benji Marshall look good, but the human tattoo was able to cross the stripe for three tries. 

On this rationale, I should be looking at a Kangaroos jersey following my three-try effort in a game of lunchtime football at school in 1995.  Granted, one of those tries was well after the lunch bell had rung, and in another one I used an interfering soccer match as a decoy.  

Queensland have named most of Australia in their team to cover the plethora of injuries that they have, but will probably line up with the usual dickwits around - Slater, Inglis, blah blah blah.  If Mal had a clue, he'd leave Slater out of the team until he was fully fit - he is more of a passenger than Wesley Snipes in Passenger 57 when he has a niggle.  And considering that Slater is 90% niggle (the other 10% is "dickhead"), he should be left off the team for quite some time.

Round 14

Short round this week, and with most of the good players either injured, in Origin camp, being rested due to injuries from Origin or helping police with enquiries, it's one of those rounds where nobody gives a fuck.

South Sydney Rabbitoh vs Wests Tigers
Penrith Panthers vs St George Illawarra
Sydney Roosters vs Newcastle Knights
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Parramatta Eels
Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs The Bye

With the split round this weekend, the Raiders are coming up against no team, but on current form, I'm not considering that to be an advantage for them at all.  The lack of opposition is likely to lull the Raiders into a false sense of security, and the Bye is the kind of team to take full advantage of a disinterested team.

Friday, June 06, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 13: You Win Some, You Lose Some

Lucky for some, unlucky for Beau Ryan, Round 13 is upon us, and it’s another cluster fuck of a round to tip.  The fallout from the first State of Origin game is still affecting the NRL world through injuries, but also through the possibility of fringe players pushing for a place in the Blue & Maroon sides.  You know when people start looking at Josh Dugan as a replacement for Josh Morris, it’s anyone’s game.  They should probably consider looking at a replacement player with a different Christian name as well, but we’ll get there.  I think my favourite part of State of Origin I was listening to the great Ray “Rabs” Warren calling the game, with such gems as “Slater down the touchline, comes to one of the Morris brothers, and the other Morris brother is there to finish the tackle.”  At least the Morrises did the right thing by both getting injured.  Hopefully Dugan has a brother that he can bring in too.

Laurie “I’m Totes the Coach” Daley has even suggested putting Jarryd Hayne in the centre position, which I think is just fucking stupid.  Hayne is arguably the best player in the world right now (“arguably” is a great word to use – I am “arguably” the world’s best writer and NRL tipper, although it honestly wouldn’t be much of an argument), and needs to get his hands on the ball in the open space that the fullback position allows.  The centre combinations in the first game might as well not have even been there – Greg Inglis’ contribution to football was overshadowed only by the non-existence of Michael Jennings.  Keep Hayne in the #1, and stop being dickheads.

Round 13

This week I’m being ballsy (and handsome) and picking a few upsets to go along with the standard “oh fucking hell I just don’t know what to do why is this so fucking hard and why do I care this much and yes I’d love another beer if it’s your shout thanks man I think I left my wallet at home oh this in my pocket yeah that’s a different wallet” thing that I normally do. 

I don’t rate Manly’s chances against the Doggies, and I don’t think Daly Cherry-Evans will ever be a competitive top-level player at State or International level.  THERE.  I said it.  I think he’s a good player, but I reckon he should be happy with his place at Manly.  He should also get a new hairdresser.

I’m tipping the Cowboys because Parra were disgraceful last week and just because Hayne is returning this week, I don’t think it will be enough.  The Titans and the Panthers can both go fuck themselves, and I’m tipping the Titans but I’m also thinking of changing my mind about that but I’ll probably leave it and forget about it.  Dragons vs Sharks should be free entry, honestly.  There’s no way that anyone would bother going to see them play at the moment.  I reckon the Warriors will upset an unstable Rabbitohs outfit – I don’t know what they put in the water in England (not fluoride) that makes people’s heads massive and their hands turn into Teflon, but they should probably stop it.  The amount of dropped ball from the Burgess brothers is fucking astounding and in the words of Geoff Toovey, there needs to be an investigation.  There doesn’t, but it would be kind of fun to do.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Parramatta Eels vs Nth Queensland Cows
Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers
St George Illawarra vs Dragons vs Cronulla Sharks
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs New Zealand Warriors
Newcastle Knights vs Wests Tigers
Melbourne Storm vs Sydney Roosters

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Brisbane Broncos

The Raiders went from having three new prospective rep players coming into the team on Monday, to having none of them by Tuesday and a handful of their current players “speaking” (signing) to “other clubs” (St George) by Wednesday.  I don’t know why the Dragons have such a massive boner for Raiders players – I guess they just target the team who is slightly less shit than they are and then get all of their players.  By 2017 they should have the entire green machine on their books, and then in 2018 they can start to look at buying players from the Titans or the Tigers.  I’d say by the 2042 season, they’ll have successfully amoeba’d their way up the ladder to resemble to 2041 Manly team.  And you know that will be an ugly, ugly team.

I can’t see the Raiders scraping together a win this week, unless the bitter cold of Monday night football in the nation’s capital works its wonders to literally freeze the tits off the Broncos players who will all have to be taken to hospital with man-boob-frostbite (it’s not pretty – don’t Google it).  Brissy smashed the shit out of the Sea Eagles last week, and the Raiders put in one of their best performances of the season last week to go down to the Roosters by about 20, so… yeah.  Bring on the cold nipples, I say.  

It took me way too long to understand what was happening in this photo than I want to admit.  And yes, that does seem to be Steve Matai making a clean tackle.  Well... cleanish.