“I can’t do it!” he cries. “Not again! Not again!” He reaches into the top drawer of his desk and lets his fingers trace the two objects contained inside. One is a bottle of Johnny Walker green label, and the other is a large handgun.
“Let’s see which fuckers have fucked me over one time too many,” he says manically to his waiting computer. He forcefully shuts his eyes and pulls the gun out of the drawer, holding it to his temple in a movement that is too slick to be anything except practiced. With his other hand, he clicks the left mouse button, finally refreshing a week of undelivered emails onto his screen. He imagines what is waiting for him on the other side of his clenched eyelids – police inquiries, rape allegations, drug abuse, Matt Orford’s contract being renewed, Todd Carney punching a midget stripper – and his grip on the gun tightens within his sweaty grasp. He slowly opens his left eye, allowing it to focus on the computer monitor in front of him.
Just two emails – one from Olomjuno Magutu from Nigeria, and the other telling him that Fatty Vautin had commented on his Facebook post about Sam Thaiday’s gut.
Gallop opens his right eye, and releases some pressure on the gun. Again, he clicks refresh. No new emails arrived.
“Well fuck me,” he says, replacing the gun in the drawer and pulling out the bottle of Johnny Walker and eagerly twisting off the cap. “You dipshits are all right.”Round Twenty:
Bulldogs v Parramatta Eels
Melbourne Storm v Brisbane Broncos
Gold Coast Titans v North Queensland Cowboys
Wests Tigers v Sydney Roosters
Sharks v Newcastle Knights
South Sydney Rabbitohs v New Zealand Warriors
Penrith Panthers v Manly Sea Eagles
There are some genuine testicle-scratchers in there this week, and a few top-of-the-table clashes that will definitely get the punters punting about who to punt in the finals. While a few eyes will be watching the Melbourne vs Brisbane encounter, I think that most interest will be on the really shit teams who are all struggling to keep in touch with the top eight, despite the fact that all they’re really doing is delaying their Mad Monday celebrations and a trip to Bali with the boys to bond, celebrate and get herpes.
GAME OF THE ROUND
Canberra Raiders v St George-Illawarra Dragons
The Raiders were just pipped at the post last week in the form of a 26-0 heartbreaker to the Storm, who snuck home on the back of five unanswered tries.
It really has been a shit season for the Raiders, who are still trying to kid themselves that they are still somehow mathematical premiership contenders. I don’t know who’s doing the maths over there at Raiders HQ, but I’m probably not going to ask them to do my tax return. The game this weekend should put the final nail into the camel’s back that is the Raiders’ 2011 season, who are hiding behind an impressive record against the Dragons at Bruce Stadium. As the old saying goes, records are meant to be broken. Except for my Alvin and the Chipmunks record from 1982; that thing is awesome.
There's a reason why St George are coming third, and the Raiders are on the bottom of the ladder, and Canberra will discover that reason (again) on Monday night.
Reason why I don't play rugby league #2: It looks like it hurts
MEB cumulative score: 80