Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Welcome to television


This one's a few weeks old now, but I saved the link for some reason and never got around to writing an entry on it. I've been busy again, so shut up and deal with hearing about "news" a bit late. Or pay me to write a blog, that'd help.

The story, for those who couldn't be arsed clicking the link, is about a new TV chat show, hosted by Georgie Parker, who has been dubbed as "sexy" in the headline. Ahem. I don't think Georgie Parker and "sexy" have been used together since about 1921, unless the headline was "Georgie Parker is NOT sexy". Yeah.

Anyway, it's going to be a Channel 9 ratings bonanza, apparently. Especially since they're going to pit it up against Deal or No Deal, which is the world's greatest game show ever. A chat show? Seriously? Fuck.

This is NOT news. It would be news if a new TV show was given to a new person to take charge of. Aussie TV has returned to the murky well of celebrities to try and launch a new TV show. If there's a new show coming out, an old celebrity will be involved. Got a spiffy new concept? Quick, get Bert Newton on it. Sure, he's killed every single show he's been on since The Graham Kennedy Show (which ended in 1975), including Family Feud (Moon Face couldn't compete with Rob Brough's permed mullet). Got a show we've stolen from another country? Shit, get Rove McManus on the line. I can imagine some young exec offering the idea, "Maybe we could give the hosting job to someone else?" followed by raucous laughter and the quick response, "Fuck off. What's Daryl Somers up to these days?"

What's Daryl Somers up to these days indeed -,22049,24308524-5007132,00.html. He's coming back, people. He's. Coming. Back. After Hey Hey It's Saturday was thankfully euthanised, Dags disappeared for a while, then popped up on a few commercials, a couple of "Best Bits of Hey Hey It's Saturday" specials, a "Red Faces: Where Are They Now?" gig, before popping up on Dancing With The Stars. I don't understand this show. I couldn't give a flying fuck if Steven Jacobs can waltz. I don't care if Gary Sweet missed a step in his cha-cha. If I want to watch dancing, I'll watch people who can dance. I don't need to see some overpaid spastic who has been relegated to appearing on celebrity shows mince around and pretend they're not embarrassed by the fact that their acting/singing/personality has been proven to suck enough not to be able to remain on Australian television. Apparently Dancing With The Stars is rating badly. The "experts" say it's because they've changed the host to Daniel MacPherson (another albatross on our screens) - I say it's because people realise that the show sucks dog's balls.

Seriously. If you can't keep a gig on Aussie TV, you're fucked. The formula for an Aussie celebrity's death is plain:

Toni Pearon, watch out.

Friday, September 19, 2008

with great power comes great responsibility


Common question: If you could be an animal, which animal would you be?

I want to be a fly.

I watched Spiderman the other night. I love Spiderman, he's probably my favourite superhero ever. I dare say he'd even be able to take down a tyrannosaur if he needed to.

So I was watching Spiderman and loving it as usual and jumping around the lounge room as usual, while Spidey is getting his arse handed to him by the Green Goblin, and I’m wondering, "Holy moley, how's he gonna get out of this one?" and then Gobby mentions how he's gonna kill MJ, and Spidey gets a rush of blood and starts being all bad-ass and suddenly remembers how to fight. Seriously - bad guys of the world, listen to my advice: If you've got the only person who can defeat you on the ropes, don't mention his girlfriend, because he'll feel "the power of love" and come back and beat you.

Anyway, the final scene comes on where Pete Parker walks away from MJ to protect her (aaaw) and the credits roll. Normally by this stage I have actually become Spiderman simply through enthusiasm and I would have attempted to climb the curtains and crawl across the ceiling. But this time, I was a bit less enthused. Something wasn't right...

And then it hit me.

Peter Parker was bitten by a spider. He absorbed the spider's powers - strength and speed and jumping and webs and wall-climbing finger bits and stuff. Nice work, Pete.

What would have happened if that spider had caught a fly and bitten that, as spiders are want to do? Would that fly have wrapped that spider up in web and then crashed through a wall to freedom?

If I had the choice of coming back as something in the next life, I would like to be that fly.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

hottest postcode ever

Ah television. Ah 90210. Sweet dreams are made of these.

So 90210 is back with a brand new adventure, new kids, new teachers, same old shit, right? Right. Except this 90210 is as cheesy as a cheese sandwich, and the bread on that sandwich is made out of cheese and has cheese spread instead of butter.

Here's a quick recap of the first two episodes which aired last night. Apologies if I fuck anything up; to be honest I really wasn't paying too much attention and will no doubt have missed some kind of plot twist.

First and foremost, everything is the same as the old Beverly Hills 90210, except the names. We are introduced to the new Walshes... I can't remember their surname (see, I told you I'd fuck stuff up). There's the dad, who is the new principal at West Beverly High; Lori Loughlin plays the mum (and still looks smokin hot) and is some kind of photographer; and the obligatory kids - Annie and Dixon. Dix is also the token black kid who was adopted a few years back. No doubt he will spend the entire run of the show feeling "not quite part of the family". He is also an awesome Lacrosse player, which incidentally, is the new hot sport in Beverly Hills. There are no football, soccer, baseball or basketball teams to be found. Everyone's got a mask and a stick with a net thing on it. Awesome. There's nothing like trying to boost the profile of a relatively obscure sport by including it in a TV show. Party of Five should have had Bailey doing pole vault or curling or bocce.

Anyway, Day 1 at the new school sees Annie running into Ethan, an old flame from a few summers ago. He's getting a quick blow job before school. Nice start to the day for everyone. Then Annie meets Ethan's girlfriend, who was not the one giving him head earlier. Shock horror. I wonder what's going to happen there?

Girlfriend is otherwise known as Naomi, a rich chick who looks at least 43. Apparently it's her 'sweet 16' on Friday (bullshit), and Annie is invited (obviously). Naomi is also in trouble in English, because she hasn't handed in her paper on "The Tale of Two Cities". Annie has one that she did at her old school (handy) which she 'lends' to Naomi for 'inspiration'. I wonder what's going to happen there?

Dixon gets into a fight at Lacrosse training and is kicked off the team. I think it's because he's black. The coach of Lacrosse is also the English teacher, who is so far, the only teacher we've met. I hope there are more teachers out there somewhere, because there seems to be a lot of kids. He also looks about the same age as them, although we know that he's meant to be older because he has stubble.

So there's the first day of school. Mine was less exciting, but then, I don't live in Beverly Hills.

Day 2:

Dixon is back in the Lacrosse team, after some guy tells the coach that it wasn't Dixon's fault that he got into a fight. Phew. Glad that's settled. I'm sure Dixon will now fly straight after that minor Lacrosse-related scare.

Annie is pissed cause Naomi cheated by handing in Annie's old essay. Eh. What did you think would happen? Annie's old man, el Principal, finds out (of course, he's surely not too busy that he can't read every single essay written by every single student and compare it to his children's work) and possibly grounds her. I can't remember. Naomi's mum and Annie's dad used to date in high school. She's still mad that he broke up with her. Twenty years ago. Right. I wonder what's going to happen there?

Dixon sends Naomi a text message telling her that Ethan is cheating on her. I have no idea how he got her number so quickly, so I'll just step over that plot-hole and keep on trucking. For being her bestie, Naomi buys Annie an $800 dress for her party. Eh, I'd cheat on essays if I could get those kinds of rewards as well. Seriously though, kids now have the internet with its wikipedia and googles and all kinds of awesomeness, so there's really no need to cheat off another student. That's just lazy, Naomi. Anyway, she gets another chance to prove herself by writing the essay again. Seriously, I'm sure even Charles Dickens doesn't care if she doesn't understand the book or not. It's not worth writing another fucking essay over. Let's move on, people.

Annie meets hot guy Ty, the richest kid at West Beverly. They're both trying out for the school musical. Sparks are flying, and we know this because they both look awkward and smile a lot.

It's party night (finally - I was kind of sick hearing Naomi say, "I am so stressed about my party") and Naomi and Ethan break up (sad) because she gets the text from Dixo about how Ethan's cheating on her. It wasn't even really emotional for the characters, so even less so for the viewers. The party is at "The Pit", which is "The Peach Pit" that the old 90210ers used to hang out at, only, you know, without the "Peach", and instead of serving hamburgers and chips, it's now a bar that willingly serves 15-year olds martinis and wine, which I'm sure is a government-sponsored move to cut down on obese children and turn them into hornbag alcoholics.

Annie and co leave the party, and wind up meeting Ethan at the beach. He's just come in from surfing. Apparently he brought his wetsuit and surfboard to the Pit, you know, just in case. I'm sure Dixon had his Lacrosse stick handy, too. Ethan and Annie hang out for a bit at her place and reminisce about the time they spent together. It's fairly obvious that he's a smidge in love with her. Aw. And then I remember that yesterday he was bagging Naomi and getting chops from every other slut at West Beverly, and realise that I don't care.

Some other Lacrosse team from rival school breaks into West Bev and trashes the place. They did a good job too; I guess security at this school is fairly slack. Somehow it is decided that the Lacrosse team has to clean it all up, and then Principal Dad warns the team, "Don't retaliate."
The Lacrosse team immediately set out to devise a plan on how to retaliate.
Dixon steals some pigs from the set of a porn film (seriously) and lets them loose in the other school. Principal Dad is not happy. He cuts the whole team until someone owns up. Dixon owns up. Everyone's back in the team except him now. Principal Dad says, "Ah fuck it, I got up to some shit at school too. You're back on the team." Phew. I was worried that he wouldn't be allowed to play for another 13 seconds there.

Day 3: Annie is in the school play. The school play is to be directed by Shannon Doherty, who is wearing her best, "Fuck, am I seriously back on this show as a parody of myself?" grin through the whole thing. After school, Ty flies Annie to San Francisco for dinner. It's a pretty good first date, apparently. I would have taken her to the movies or something, you know, because that's what 15-year olds do. It seems I was doing it all wrong.

Annie is obviously in trouble for going to another city for a date with a guy she met the day before, and was also somehow responsible for her alcoholic, oversexed grandmother to be involved in a car accident. By-the-by, I hated the granny character, but was also glad that they didn't cast the old duck from The Wedding Singer, because she's kind of been typecast as "awkward old duck". But she sneaks out anyway and has a snog with Ty - Annie, not the granny, or the woman from The Wedding Singer. Ethan has a present for her - a stuffed octopus that they won at a fair when they met three years ago - but he catches them in the snogging act and seems a bit upset. Aw. Wait, he was getting a lot of sex just two days ago. Not interested in your problems, Efan. Go fuck your octopus.

Principal Dad also got Naomi's mum preggers back in high school. He thought she got an abortion - she didn't, and now she hates him because he never supported the son he didn't know he had that she never told him about. Prick. He tells this to his hot wife, who strangely finds this arousing, and they go about making out and having the sex. I'm pretty sure that kind of come-on line wouldn't normally work, but good luck to anyone who wants to try it.

Quite an introduction to school life at West Beverly, really.

My summary:
This is less 90210 and more OC meets Dawson's Creek. It's not spectacular, and you won't punch yourself in the face with a stapler for missing an episode, but people may not punch you with a stapler for liking it either. My biggest problem is why anyone would care about these people - if you can take a girl you just met to San Francisco for dinner when you're 15, I'm pretty sure I won't give a shit if you fail Maths after studying all night, or if you get hit in the groin by a Lacrosse ball. And yes, I know the whole idea is that "behind their money, they all just want to find love and happiness and a sense of self-accomplishment blah blah blah," but I'm gonna put it out there and say that if you're buying an $800 dress for someone you've known for a day, making that 'special person' feel 'special' won't be too much of an issue.

I give 90210 a goat, two penguins and a stapler.

Monday, September 01, 2008

enjoy your stay!

This bus shelter offers sweeping views of the street

Welcome to Canberra! Come one, come all. But where will you stay while you are in this wonderful land of the nation's capital?

I don't often hire hotel rooms when I could just, you know, go home, but here are a few choices and some made up nonsense:

Waldorf Hotel:
I haven't actually stayed there, but I've had drinks in the hotel. It's pretty nice, and seems to be a bit la-de-dah. If you aren't worried about cost, this place is probably awesome. If you are worried, I'd try my best to escape the next day without paying. Use a false name and don a disguise. The Waldorf is handily located near a bakery which has fantastic sausage rolls.

Right across the road from the Waldorf. Not sure who was there first, but I can't say that the elite patrons of the Wal would appreciate watching semi-nude drunken Europeans wandering around... but then again, they might. There's a pretty decent bar underneath the Backpackers which changes its name every other week. Also located near the same bakery with fantastic sausage rolls as the Waldorf. I have no idea what the facilities are like, but since it's a backpackers, I'd recommend showering with your thongs on.

My Place:
My place is pretty nice, but you'll have to sleep on the couch (it is a nice couch though) and I can't promise you any kind of food beyond cereal, and my milk is always past its expiration date. Entertainment includes a good range of DVDs and free-to-air television (some stations are a bit fuzzy though). Visitors at My Place are encouraged to bring beer.

I know nothing about the Novotel at all, but it looks quite nice. I think it has a green sign, but it might not... If it’s the one I’m thinking of, it’s near the Jolimont Centre, so is handy if you just hopped off a bus. If it’s not the one I’m thinking of, then it’s probably not relevant as to how close it is to anything, buses or otherwise.

Kambah Inn:
I know of one guy who stayed there for a while when he was posted to Canberra for work. He never really recovered. That said, the Kambah Pub is pretty nice if you ignore the locals, and the Chinese restaurant out the back is also worth a visit.

City Walk Hotel:
I stayed there once after my Year 12 formal. I hope they've cleaned up since then, but I can't promise anything. Standard budget accommodation, and even cheaper if you're sharing a room with about six of your mates. I think I lost a sock that night.

Again, never stayed there, but I've had a few drinks in the hotel bar during Happy Hour. Quite nice, truth be told. That's about all I can offer you. Like all Rydges around Australia (and possibly the world), I think it's pricey. So if you just HAVE to stay somewhere a bit glamorous, this could be your best bet. The rooms look quite nice (even when standing outside and peering through the windows with a pair of binoculars) and the balconies are always full of rich, good looking people. So if you're an ugly, poor person, better think about staying elsewhere.

Parliament House:
I'm pretty sure they don't actually offer any hotel services, like rooms or food, but if you can stay there overnight without being caught by security, I reckon it'd be a pretty good story. If you do get caught, you could always try and convince them that you're Kevin Rudd and you left your phone behind, and you're just going back to find it. If you get let off, that would be an even better story.

Todd Carney's Place:
Located just outside of Canberra, TCs place offers high-speed pick-up services from any bar in Canberra, although strangely, no return service. Visitors will be treated to a golden shower upon arrival, plus may be lucky enough to appear in The Canberra Times in both the "Out and About" section and also in "Legal". Bookings are non-essential, but can be arranged through text messaging if in doubt.
Enjoy your stay!