Thursday, May 31, 2007

drinking makes you sexy

Drinking Game #2 - Big Brother

For those of us who are just too lazy to change the channel at 7pm after Neighbours, make sure there's a bottle of your favourite liquor under the couch, and make BB even more fun than watching random strangers talk about their toenail clippings.

- 1 shot every time someone says “at the end of the day”.
- 2 shots whenever someone says “I love you” to one of the perfect strangers they’ve been whored up with. Have two more shots if that perfect stranger is either Cousin Larry or Balky Bartogamoose.
- 1 shot whenever there’s a shot of a famewhore in a bikini sitting next to a bloke in three jackets and beanie, just so she can get her tits on tv one more time. And hey, cold weather brings out the nips, which brings in the viewers, which sells famewhore magazines.
- when a previous housemate (from any season):
- is actually heard of again (1 shot).
- heard of again in a positive light (2 shots).
- seen with their boobs hanging out in ‘Zoo’, ‘Ralph’ or ‘FHM’ (1 shot).
- 1 shot each time you see a guy wearing a beanie but not a shirt.
- 1 shot if someone on the show calls being in the house “an experience” or “a journey” rather than a “three month holiday”.
- 2 shots whenever one of the female housemates starts talking about how fat or unattractive she is, just so the fatter and more unattractive housemates can tell her that she’s beautiful.
- 1 shot whenever someone fixes their hair in one of the million mirrors in the house. Hey, better make sure you look good, just in case one of the cameras captures you with a bad hair moment.
- 2 shots if someone claims not to care about the prize money – win it and we’ll see how much you don’t care. Give it to me if it’s really all about “the experience”.
- 1 shot if the phrase “under the radar” comes out.
- 2 shots when you’re not sure if the show is hosted by a haggis or if Gretel Kileen really is still alive.
- 2 shots when someone describes themselves as “wild, crazy and outrageous” but are really just dumb sluts.
- 1 shot if someone says “stirring the pot”.
- 2 shots whenever someone asks the token gay bloke about being homosexual, as if they were from a different planet. “So, can you still eat chicken?”
- 1 shot whenever you think Mike Goldman has just had a fresh line of Wizz Fizz.
- 2 shots when the ‘intellectual’ housemate invents a word to try and talk down to a ‘retarded’ housemate (e.g. “I love the diversality of this place. It’s got such a culturalisation.”)
- 2 shots whenever one of the housemates reveals a very ‘special’, ‘spiritual’ and ‘emotional’ secret or moment with the other window lickers, breaks down in tears and receives lots of hugs and “we love ya, mate”’s. 3 shots if this is during a week when that particular spastic is up for eviction.
- 5 shots if you vote for the numpties in the house.

With three BB shows on daily, attempting this game may seriously damage (or end) your life.

Bottoms up!

Friday, May 18, 2007

someone dropped a bomb somewhere

Righto. So some fat loser has decided to sue to NSW Government because he was bullied… and he won, so now he never has to work a minute in his sad, useless life. I hope now he understands why he was bullied.

Boo fucking hoo, you got beat up and called names when you were young. Welcome to school, pally boy. I’d say most of the people who went to school would have been bullied at one stage. It builds character. You enter school as a bucket of porridge, and leave sculpted out of Lego. If I hadn’t been bullied at school, I probably wouldn’t be able to juggle beer kegs with my pecs like I can now. Actually, I probably would, but I’d only be able to keep three in the air. Maybe four.

So thanks, Mr Useless Bastard for setting a stupid precedent which will no doubt “inspire” a whole new generation of pussies to claim mental anguish and be forced to sit at home with a bag of Cheese and Bacon Balls watching Oprah and then go on The Biggest Loser to “inspire” some other useless bastards.

You know what would be more inspiring? If you dried those pretty little pig eyes, cowboyed up and didn't receive the Mister Evil Breakfast Award for being this week's biggest oxygen-pirate. Take the knocks and come back (like Rocky) bigger and better than last time (until Rocky 4). Sure, it would mean you'd have to get a job and actually participate in life, but at least people wouldn't hate you. I polled a thousand people (ok, one, and it was me) and 100% of my survey think you suck.

You'd better spend that money on training to become a time-travelling ninja so you can go back and tear your bullies a new hole, or I'm gonna fire up my size 11s and kick you in the teeth so bad that even the bloke from The Pogues will think, "Fuck man, that guy's ugly."

Wednesday, May 09, 2007


If you drive your car around with a smashed windscreen and ripped seats, you can fool parking inspectors into feeling sorry for you, and you can park pretty much anywhere.