Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Mister Evil Breakfast's Guide to Drinking: Part 1

In at least one time in your life, you may find yourself involved in a situation where you are expected to buy drinks, or "shout a round", for a number of people. It sounds quite simple really, but it can also be an excellent way to judge the character of your fellow drinkers.

1. The First Round shouter.

The First Round Shouter is a sneaky little prick - he appears to be the good bloke by getting in early and buying a round, but this is just his cunning ploy to either get his round in before more people turn up, or to get everyone beers before the beers become spirits.

2. The Pee-Breaker

The Pee-Breaker will wait until at least you've left the group to go to the toilet, and then he rushes to the bar, grabs a round and is back before your zip has even come down. If someone disappears to the toilet in the middle of a shout, they have at least 5 minutes to return before you can officially rule them out of the shout.
(if Mr Football catches you being a Pee-Breaker, you'd better start running)

3. The Miscounter

Someone who constantly misses at least one person in organising a shout. If he misses more than one person, they are then able to legally form a Super League (see below) in protest.

4. Super League

A few people who will be part of the larger group's conversations and plans, but will only buy drinks for their fellow rebels.

5. The "I'll Pay if You Go" Guy

Sounds like a good deal, doesn't it? Someone slips you a $20 and all you have to do is order for him and receive half of the credit for the shout. Unfortunately, the shout cost is at least $40, and it's still your round next.

6. Frothy Mo shouter

Everyone takes a sip of their freshly-bought schooner, and as you wipe the beer foam from your top lip, you hear, "Alright boys, who wants a drink?" He'll only ever buy for himself, but will accept a drink from just about anyone.

7. Phone Call Shouter

The glasses are down on the bar, and everyone's already looking for their next drink. I've done mine, you've done yours, he's done his, that leaves... the Phone Call Shouter strikes again. All eyes are on him, and he reaches into his pocket, pulls out his phone and then runs outside to "take his call". Strangely, the call ends as soon as someone else takes the bullet and buys his round.

8. The Bad Luck Shouter

One round is worth four beers. The next round is worth four beers. Enter two more guys and their girlfriends. The next round is worth six beers and two Breezers. Then the new guys and their girls leave. The next round is worth four beers. Bad luck.

9. The Soft Drink shouter

Occasionally, there'll be a guy who isn't drinking alcohol who's out with you. It's up to the group dynamic to work out whether or not they are included in the shout, or if they need to buy at least one round anyway. Don't be surprised if this debate causes fights or loses you friends.

10. Last Round Guy

The bar staff are yawning, the mops are out, the sun is rising and there's a kebab out there with your name on it. You somehow manage to swallow the last mouthful of beer, somehow manage to put the empty glass back on the table, and somehow manage to coerce one more round out of your friends.

Drink responsibly!

where did i come from, where did i go?

To me, the solution to childhood obesity can be solved quite simply: Musical Theatre.
Unless Childhood Obesity means something other than what I think it does.