Friday, April 26, 2013

NRL 2013 Round 7: Sweeping up the Anzac crumbs

The ANZAC Test and City vs Country match last weekend gave a well-earned couple of days off for punters and shitty blog writers (or both!), with Australia skipping away with a win on Friday night against the Kiwis, and… nope, fucked if I know who won on Sunday.  

The New Zealanders looked into it up to their earholes in the first half, and had a couple of things gone their way could have taken a lead after the first 40 minutes.  However, a quick visit by Steve Denk in the sheds gave the Australians a bit of a boost, and they put on about a thousand points in the second to take home the trophy (if there was one).  

From watching the match on Friday night, it dawned on me that there’s probably a few dickheads wearing the green and gold who are there because they had a good year in 2007, or were touted as “future Kangaroo captains” when they were seventeen, and not because they deserve to represent their country.  

Jon Thurston needs to have a good, hard look (and laugh) at himself.  His form for the Cowboys has been poor lately, and his Australian form even worse.  If the Kiwis could have put a full-strength team together (any team with Shaun Kenny-Dowell in it is never going to be full-strength), Thursty might have been shown up worse than he was.

Justin Hodges is still eighteen shades of rubbish.  How the hell other teams haven’t worked out that he isn’t going to pass the ball unless he’s absolutely positive that he isn’t going to score is beyond me.  Just tackle the fucking fuck.

The phrase “Greg Bird, Australian representative” makes me laugh until I realise that it’s a true thing, and then I can’t stop crying.  I know Australia has a reputation of putting some “hard men” in the second row to be “enforcers” or some such bullsh!t, but can’t we find some enforcing hard blokes who aren’t complete fucking numpties to fill the slot?  

Darius Boyd isn’t entirely a dickhead, or even underperforming… but surely there are other wingers in the comp who are just plain better that Darius?  Nathan Merritt comes to mind.  Actually, anyone not called Darius comes to mind.


Canberran day-time night-club goers were shocked to see former Raiders player Josh Dugan allegedly involved in an alleged assault following an alleged verbal stoush whilst allegedly drinking at the alleged wake of an alleged friend, as reports are unconfirmed that anyone would actually be Dugan’s friend.  The incident has left the alleged victim with a broken eye socket, but he is allegedly not pressing charges due to the alleged payout that Dugan gave him to shut the fuck up.  Allegedly, St George are reconsidering their offer to recruit the former Origin rep, but have allegedly said, “Fuck, we really don’t have a choice, do we?”  

Round 7 games 

There have been some sleepless nights lately – nothing to do with this week’s NRL games, just a bout of insomnia.  But that’s not to say that a few of this week’s games aren’t harder to pick than a new tattoo on Josh Dugan – none moreso than the top(ish) of the table clash between the Bunnies and the Manlies.  I’ve opted for the Bunnies – not only do I quite like them, I quite dislike the Sea Eagles.  As long as Geoff Toovey is involved, I will never be a fan.  And Daly Chery-Evans has a haircut that is at least twice as stupid as his name.  

Sydney Roosters vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Melbourne Storm vs New Zealand Warriors
Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs 
Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos 
Gold Coast Titans vs Newcastle Knights 
Cronulla Sharks vs Canterbury Bulldogs 
Penrith Panthers vs Parramatta Eels 


Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Raiders 

I’m going to cross my lime-green fingers that the Cowboys continue to be terrible, and that the Raiders continue to opt to lead a match around about the 80th minute mark.  The Canberra lads don’t have the greatest track record up in sunny Townsville, but if there’s a point in time to turn things around, it might as well be this week, right?  Right.  


Friday, April 12, 2013

NRL 2013: Round 6 - When the Saints hit Struggletown

The biggest news in sport this week was the claim that the St George Dragons (or the St George Illawarra Steel Dragons, for those who are particular about things, and also living in approximately 1998) have put in a bid, or some interest, or a mild thought, or even had a dream about signing Josh Dugan and Todd Carney.  Together.  To play.  Football.

What the fuck.  Seriously?  I don't particularly like St George, but I don't think that any football team really needs to piss on their fans, sponsors and other players that much, do they?  For one, those two dickwits shouldn't be allowed in the same country as each other at the same time, let alone the same team.  I can forsee the house prices in Wollongong dropping fairly rapidly once these fuckheads arrive.  

There should be a limit on tattoos in the one club anyway.   

In other news around Australia, it has been alleged that even coaches in the AFL need a quick fix to make the game more enjoyable.  Fuck injecting horse growth hormones into yourselves, you idiots.  Just learn how to catch; that'll improve your sport.

Round 6

Round 6 of the NRL is another nut scratcher, with injuries making a few tips a bit hard, and general hatred of other clubs really weighing on my mind.  Let's see the Eels take it to an injury and Dave-Taylor-depleted Titans side, the Rooters to lift a notch against the Dawgs and the Bunnies to test out Billy "My Kicking Foot is Sore" Slater by running Greg "RAH I'M A STEAMROLLER" Inglis at him all night.  My money is on the Cowboys to shake off their shittiness, and the Dragons to hopefully belt the Tigers, because I think they deserve to win after being told that two of Canberra's finest exports are coming into town. 

Broncos vs Cowboys
Roosters vs Bulldogs
Knights vs Panthers
Rabbitohs vs Storm
Sea Eagles vs Sharks
Tigers vs Dragons
Titans vs Eels

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Warriors

My tipping last week was a woeful three out of eight, and I paid the price of not believing that the Raiders would drag their sorry, busted, broken, legless, dishevelled selves across the line with a few minutes to spare after coming back from 16-0 down against the Roosters.  The Warriors have impressed whoever watches their games this season, and threaten not to be as horrible as everyone thought they would be.  But last week proved that you can never write off the Canberra boys, unless they're playing someone really good.  And that's not the Warriors.  Raiders by a dozenish.

Why I could play footy:  I could look slightly less scared than Jarrod Croker whenever I got the ball

Friday, April 05, 2013

NRL 2013 Round 5: Instagram, wallets and nonsense

Did anything happen in league this week?  No?  Nothing?  Not one thing?  Well that’s a bit unusual.  It also makes writing about the week that was a bit difficult.  However, I’m always up for a challenge (if it’s a challenge that doesn’t involve a lot of effort), so I’ll soldier on with this week’s “report.”

The Round Five match-ups pose a couple of thoughtful conundrums; ones that make you go “Pfft, this round is fucking easy!” and then make you go “oh wait, it’s a bit shit” and then you go “oh fuck it, that’ll do” because you just can’t decide if that gut feeling is the dodgy hot dog you got from the servo, or if the Panthers are going to continue the Cowboys’ shit run of form.  Speaking of the Cowbs, is it a coincidence to anyone else that ever since they threw a dumptruck full of money at Jonathan Thurston to keep him until 2015, he hasn’t really looked interested in playing?  It’s funny what happens when athletes get paid to stop giving a shit, huh?

Thurston kind of creeps me out a bit when he laughs, too. 

In other news, the winner of Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit has been announced, with Josh Dugan taking out the coveted prize.  Duges turned his back on what was reported to be a $2 million contract at the Broncos (over two years – that works out to be roughly $1 million per year, if my calculator is to be trusted) in order to swear at a couple of people who let their feelings towards Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit be known on his Instagram account. 

I’ve got an Instagram thing, but I haven’t really put many photos on it.  Although there is one of my bum when I got hit with a ball.  It was actually a really hard photo to take.  My Instagram hasn’t attracted too many followers, but that’s probably a good thing because it means I don’t get called Australia’s Biggest Fuckwit very often either.
Dugan has reportedly been linked with St Helens in the UK Super League, but I honestly haven’t followed up this rumour, so I’ll just run with it and say it’s absofuckinglutely truthful with no hint of a lie.

Round Five:

Bulldogs vs Sea Eagles
Titans vs Broncos
Eels vs Sharks
Cowboys vs Panthers
Dragons vs Knights
Warriors vs Rabbitohs
Storm vs Tigers

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Roosters

If a game of football went for anything other than 80 minutes, I reckon the Raiders would probably have every match pretty well in hand and everyone would recognise them as the world champions of being awesome.

Alas.  It’s an 80-minute game, and the Raiders just aren’t quite maintaining their rhythm, pace and technique for longer than eighteen second periods.  Heh, sounds like me in the bedroom.  High five to me. 

The Roosters destroyed the Eels last week by the small matter of 50 points, and almost look like they give a flying fuck about playing football, which is a sight that hasn’t been seen in the Roosters club since about 1908.  I still hate most  all of the Chooks’ team (especially Sonny Bill), and love the Raiders Lime, but I think the boys from Bondi will be taking this one comfortably. 

This is probably why I feel a bit crook after drinking Raiders Lime.  Ew.