Friday, May 31, 2013

Round 12: State of... where's my iPod?

Hey, does anyone else out there feel like State of Origin actually isn’t that exciting anymore?  I don’t know whether it’s the fact that NSW haven’t won a series for seven years (think about that for a second, and realise that it was 2006 when they last won.  I didn’t even own an iPod in 2006.  And now, in 2013, I don’t even know where it is. Spooky), or if there’s a general gloss taken off the NRL – weekly sexual/physical assault allegations (did I read correctly that Queensland police are postponing the investigation of Ben Te’o’s assault charge until after State of Origin, to minimize interference with the team’s preparation?  WHAT THE FUCK, QUEENSLAND?), drug scandals and the occasional interview & tv promotion with the players all tends to adversely affect the way you view your sports stars.  Also, the fact that Mitchell Pearce keeps getting selected.  And Kurt Gidley.  Seriously, what the fuck does Gids have over the NSW selectors to warrant a place in the team?  It doesn’t really matter now anyway; he broke his leg (or something) and is out of the game.  It still baffles me that his name was even mentioned in the first place.  It’s like when Harry Potter’s name gets selected in the Goblet of Fire, even though he didn’t sign up for it and stuff.  REVELATION: Gidley is a wizard.  A shit one though, like from Hufflepuff or something. 

As a result of the “game that slows down about a quarter of a small nation”, the regular NRL rounds get disrupted, and there are only four games to pick this week.  That makes my “job” easier, so let’s get this party started:

Round 12

Despite the Bunnies having most of their team missing due to Origin and being suspended and arrested and that, I’m going to tip them because the Knights are shit and I’m pretty sure everything good they do is completely unintentional and a massive fluke. 
I’m tipping the Dogs because… and their track record… and the Dragons… I don’t know why.
The Titans/Cowboys clash could go either way – they are both terrible, terrible teams.  The Cowboys might have the edge because they have got rid of Johnathan “Dead Weight” Thurston, who seems to enjoy mentioning that the Panthers offered him a lot of money and he probably should have gone there.  Unfortunately, Matty Bowen is out with a case of the “fucked knee” which might ruin the Cowboys’ night.  Fuck it, I’ll just go for the Titans.  I don’t care anymore.
The Broncos traditionally struggle during Origin time, as their “superstars” are taken out of their team and put into a camp somewhere near Innisfail, where Billy Slater can drawl at them about “thet’s the park bench where me mum used to werk” and “this tent’s a bit nice, hey?  S’even got a door!”  Unfortunately, even the good Broncos players haven’t been doing a great job at not being shit this year, and I think they’re going to be put through their paces by a Warriors team looking for two wins in a row. 
I am confident that Canberra can defeat the Bye, who do not have a good record against the Green Machine.

Bulldogs vs Dragons
Rabbitohs vs Knights
Titans vs Cowboys
Broncos vs Warriors

Game of the Round

New South Wales vs Queensland

Fuck it, I’m going to pick Queensland.  Until NSW stop picking Greg Bird and Anthony Watmough, I don’t think their team is going to gel.  I’m also not a massive fan of selecting Blake Ferguson on the wing, when Nathan Merritt is a better option.  You want a centre?  Fine, Fergo can play there (he does it every week), and is in much better form than Mick Jennings.  When Greg Inglis gets the ball, looks up and sees Jennings as the only obstacle between him and a four-pointer, he must get a bit of a try-scoring-boner (can’t imagine that would be incredibly comfortable). 

I am prepared to be shown up, but I think Queensland has a stronger forward pack and much better backs than the Blues, and should knock up a 10-point victory. 

Steve Matai on his way to the judiciary for another 3 week holiday

Friday, May 24, 2013

NRL 2013 Round 11: Friday Night Failures

The NRL wrapped up their “Women in League” round last week, which acknowledges all of the girls who play rugby league (Cooper Cronk).  Highlights of the week-long celebration including allegations of physical assault, and the return of Robert Lui.  Nice timing, Cowboys.  The NRL is planning on changing the 2014 Women in League colour from pink to lovely shades of black and blue.

Ben Te’o has been allegedly pointed at by an alleged woman that allegedly had her eye socket allegedly broken allegedly by him.  He said, “Yeah nah, wasn’t me, but” and she said, “Yeah nah, maybe not, hey?” and the police said, “Yeah, so no?”  And he said, “Nah nah yeah,” and there have been no further allegations.  Te’o told the Rabbitohs official people that he had been involved in an “incident” whereby someone got hurt, he was in the vicinity and he called the po-po.  Here’s a tip to all footy clubs: if someone mentions something like this to you, tell the fucking NRL (preferably within five weeks), or it makes you look dodgy and everyone thinks you’re a bit of a dick.  

In other news, Krisnan Inu celebrated coming back from his suspension by being suspended again, leading to the fear that he might lose his “good guy” image at the Bulldogs.  Inu was originally banned for dumping Greg Inglis on his head (twice), and this time for trying to force Newcastle winger James McManus’ leg into his own bum.  I guess it’s easier to be a good bloke at Canterbury than it is at most places.  Captain Mick “Grubby Balls” Ennis says (of Inu), "He's a guy I really enjoy having in the team.  He's great having around the club.''  Maybe it is good to have a certain amount of paranoia around in a footy team, or to have the safety buffer of being able to drown puppies as a recreational activity and not be the biggest cock in the team. 

Newcastle were worried that the tackle could have ended McManus’ career.  Most people were surprised that he even had one to start with. 

Benji “This Time For Reals” Marshall has vowed to silence critics who have panned him for being shit this year.  As we are hitting Round 11, this might just be a little bit of “who gives a fuck?” news, and begs the question, “Why start trying now, dickhead?”  If you promise to play well for this game, you probably should have tried to play well for the last ten weeks too.

But I do love the Tigers – they are the team to follow right now, especially since it gives everyone an opportunity to invent a drinking game about prop Adam Blair, who, after being bought from Melbourne a few years ago has done exactly “fuck all and nothing” to earn himself a lovely little half-million dollar paycheck.  Last week, Blair’s stats were:  Six missed tackles, zero tackle busts, zero linebreaks and four runs for 34 metres in 72 minutes.  Four fucking runs?  If Blair plays 25 games this year, he is worth $20,000 per game.  That works out to be the equivalent of earning a lovely $5,000 per hit up, $588 per metre gained, or $277 for each minute he’s spending on the field, scratching his balls and not bothering to tackle.

I can’t believe people say that professional footballers are overpaid.

And since it’s Friday, it means that we get another great opportunity to see Benji and Blairsy do their thing as they run around chasing their own dicks and bumping into each other.  The Tigers need to get off motherfucking free-to-air tv on Friday nights, and they need a motherfucking montage to get their season back on track.

Round 11

Fuck the Tigers.  They’d better not win.  Which they won't.
Fuck both the Doggies and the Broncos, I can’t tell if they’re meant to be good or not.  Fuck me, I’m tipping the Dogs.
Fuck Penrith, but fuck Josh Dugan of St George as well, who scored twice in his comeback game (should have scored more too) against Parramatta and declared himself a contender for Origin.  Can someone remind him that he beat Parramatta, not the 1994 Kangaroos squad?
Fuck the Roosters, and fuck the Storm more if they keep not winning.  Fucking fucks.
Fuck the Warriors; imagine losing to the Panthers by 60 fucking points.  Jesus.
Fuck the Eels, even though I reckon they might upset the Titans.  Although, is it really an upset if no one gives a fuck?
Fuck the Sharks.  There’s a bit of cash being thrown at them to upset the Bunnies too, but I don’t think that’ll fucking happen. 

Wests Tigers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Brisbane Broncos
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Penrith Panthers
Sydney Roosters vs Melbourne Storm
New Zealand Warriors vs Newcastle Knights
Parramatta Eels vs Gold Coast Titans
Cronulla Sharks vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Game of the Round:

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra Raiders

Which Canberra team will turn up this weekend?  The world-beating, giant-killing, swash-buckling, rape-pillage-plundering Vikings that we all know and love, or the whiny little bitches who have already accepted defeat at the hands of a lowlier opposition, and willingly bend over barrels to be royally fucked, then shine their shoes and give them $50 just because they think they deserve it. 


Canberra should have won last week against the Sharks, but gave away too much easy possession and far too many opportunities, which Cronulla were (just) able to capitalise on.  Manly, by all reports, were gritty in their 10-all draw against the Storm, and were able to hold out metric fuck-tons of pressure from Melbourne to deny them victory on Monday night.  Will the physical toll be too much for the Sea Eagles to back up again on Saturday night?  You’d fucking think not, it was a while ago and they’re professional athletes, for fuck’s sake.  Have a Radox bath, drink a Powerade and get back into it, you lazy shits. 

I’m tipping a Manly win (sorry everyone), tipping Steve Matai to give away two penalties and be cited for a shit tackle, and Blake Ferguson to inexplicably drop the ball in his own 20-metre zone.  Specifics are my life.

Reasons I could play footy #52:  I enjoy lying down

Friday, May 17, 2013

NRL 2013 Round 10: Did you see the size of that chicken?

If it didn’t mean that my glorious reign in the mid-3,000s in a 67,000-strong tipping competition was over (now I’m in the 12,000s), I would still be laughing at the outcomes of last week’s games.  The Upset-A-Tron NRL 2000TM was in fine form last week, as the Parramattas beat the Brisbanes and the Storm took advantage of the situation to play another round of “we’re definitely not going to underestimate the team that we’re playing this week after underestimating the team we played last week and were beaten because we played like shit.”  There were other games that didn’t go my way either, but I didn’t really care about them.  When Brisbane loses, everything else just kind of fades into the background and you’re left with a happy little cloud of angry Queenslanders.  Good times, man.  Justin “Marshmallow” Hodges also succumbed to an injury and won’t play this week.  Hodges’ horror run of injury coincides with Brisbane’s shit form, upcoming Origin appearances and a hopeful appearance in the next Celebrity Splash comp.  Hodgey is injured so often that he has received a few words of advice from Australian cricketers.

This week, Josh Dugan officially became a St George Illawarra Steel Dragon.  He is basically the only person excited by this news, as it means that he can now stop pretending to apply for jobs and can get off the dole.  It’s basically a win-win situation for the Saints – if “the Dugan experiment” works, hooray, and if not, they were fucked without him anyway. 

The Panthers are in a whole world of trouble right now, after realising that absolutely no one in the world likes them.  They offered Todd Carney money to take up a contract, and he said, “Yeah nah” so they took that money to Johnathan Thurston and he said, “Yeah nah.”  Seriously, two of the biggest moneywhores in the world don’t want to be associated with the club – there’s gotta be something going on.  I blame Phil Gould’s “hair.”

Round Ten:

Broncs v Titans?  Fucking hell, what a waste of a game.  For one; they are both playing like rubbish, and two – they’re both full of fucking Queenslanders.  There will be so much spitting going on on the field that the first three rows of spectators will drown.  Then again, those spectators are more than likely to be from Queensland too.  Play on!  I’m tipping the Titans for no other reason than I don’t really like Allan Langer.

The Bunnies should destroy the Tigers, who have taken a bold strategy of benching their “best” player.  Whether or not Benji Marshall starts on the field or takes to the field fifteen minutes later is absolutely inconsequential, and let’s be honest, a waste of an interchange. 

Broncos vs  Titans
Rabbitohs vs Tigers
Dragons vs Eels
Panthers vs Warriors
Cowboys vs Roosters
Knights vs Bulldogs
Storm vs Sea Eagles

Game of the Round:

Sharks vs Raiders

Last week, the Raiders put Newcastle away like you would with some red-headed stepchildren.  After 20 minutes, things looked a bit dire for the Greenery Machinery though, as the Knights put on three tries.  Then the Raiders turned up, thanked the cheerleaders for filling in while they were at the pub, and went about destroying the “boys” from Newcastle like they fucking well should have.  Any team that still puts Kurt Gidley in their line-up deserves to be whacked.  “We’ve got Danny Buderus coming back from injury soon too” crowed their coach.  “Unfortunately, our time machine back to 2003 is still a few weeks off.”

Last year, the Raiders put away a fairly tidy Cronulla side, most notable for the arrival of big Josh Papalii, who skull fucked Paul Gallen from here to somewhere else.  Gall was his usual humble self, claiming that Papalii king-hit him in a few tackles, held him out of the play, snuck horse tranquilizers into his mouth in the scrum, and inferred that he has been having sexual relations with his mother for quite some time.  Since returning from injury (last week), Papalii has played out of his skin.  Another clash between two big hitters (and by that I mean Josh Papalii’s left and right arms) is on the cards, and my money goes quite deservedly to the Canberra lads. 

Also, because Todd Carney is a fucking fuck.

Possibly the most useless photograph ever taken

Friday, May 10, 2013

NRL 2013: Round 9 - That part of the season where nobody cares

Ah Round 9.  It's a few weeks out from the naming of the State of Origin teams, which pretty much means that nobody gives a flying rats' about the general week-to-week of whom is playing who.  A typical water cooler conversation (fuck I want a water cooler in my office; I would totally never leave it.  Water coolers are the best - it's not the water that I love, it's the tiny little cups) after this weekend will go like this:
"Did you see the footy on Friday?"
"Yeah, nah. Who won?"
"The C--"
"I reckon Carney for Origin."
"He broke his le--"
"He is playing real well.  Yeah.  Carney.  No question."

And then when Carney isn't named in the team (please please please please please), that bloke will be the first to be screaming blue murder (sounds an odd thing to scream, but I heard it was big in the 1800s) that Carney was robbed of his rightful Origin jersey and blah blah blah racism blah blah give a bloke a chance blah blah fallen fucking angel blah blah strippers and coke.  Ignore the fact that Carney has a broken leg (and zero skill) though. 

For the record, no one should play for NSW this year.  They should just cancel it for a bit and let us prepare a bit more.  In all seriousness though, I think this year is a good chance for the Blues to sneak in a victory - QLD definitely aren't as good as they used to be - Slater is a fucking muppet, Thurston is rubbish, Cam Smith is getting by purely on reputation, their forwards are all potatoes and they keep picking Justin Hodges.  The only decent player they've got is Inglis, and half the time he doesn't really look like he wants to be there either.  Probably because Thurston's on the team. 

In news that does have something to do with football, Josh "Duges" Dugan has signed with St George.  Hooray.  I was getting worried about Duges.  I actually sent him a tweet today, but I haven't received anything back yet.

Today actually is Josh Dugan's birthday

Round 9

This round I'm tipping (hoping) for the Tigers to continue their run of shitness.  If Benji Marshall has been named in the team, there's an excellent chance of that happening.  The Titans will piss on the Dragons' "Let's Welcome Josh Dugan to the Club" party, and the Storm should put about 40 on the Penriff Panfers, who somehow found a few million to throw at Todd Carney.  Todd Carney somehow said, "Yeah nah" and didn't sign with them.  It might have something to do with his broken leg.  Manly and the Roosters can just fucking murder each other, I don't give a shit.  As long as there are no survivors.

Rabbitohs vs Cowboys
Tigers vs Sharks
Warriors vs Bulldogs
Eels vs Broncos
Titans vs Dragons
Panthers vs Storm
Sea Eagles vs Roosters

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Knights

Yep, those sneaky Raiders did it again last week - being good when no one was really expecting it in upsetting Melbourne for the third time in as many games.  That officially makes the Storm the Raiders' gimme game, along with St George.  And Parra, but Parra games are gimme games for everyone.  Except Parra.

The Raiders have a fucking shithouse record against the Knights, but Newcastle are threatening to play Kurt Gidley, which really brings Canberra back into the comp.  After a gutsy win last week (I have no idea what Newcastle did though, sorry), I can't help but back the Raiders all the way to the bank. 

Canberra by a bit. 

PS.  Sorry about the thing last week about the Raiders having a blue shirt.  They didn't.  But I definitely saw it somewhere.

Friday, May 03, 2013

NRL 2013 Round 8: Rugbyleaguegate

Welcome once again to Friday, which means that Channel 9 are contractually obliged to show you games involving the Tigers and the Bulldogs.  Tonight’s game is the Bulldogs hosting the Tigers.  If either team was playing well, that would be a coup.  As it is, it will just become something to have on in the background after the Brisbane and Souths game while you wash the dishes, or drink beer, or drink the dishwater, or wash the beer or do whatever the hell it is that you do on a Friday night after 9:30ish. 

Last week’s round saw the usual dickheads suspended (Steve Matai again – sometimes I think that ol Steve lives a double life as a superhero, and needs to take a few weeks off every so often to do some interstellar travel to fight aliens from destroying the universe, but then I realise that if he was a superhero, he’d probably be way better at football, and would definitely pick a secret identity who wasn’t a complete cocksmoker) and injured (Justin Hodges, whose experiment to replace hamstrings and muscle tissue with a My Kitchen Rules inspired chocolate and fairy floss ganache has gone awry), with a bit of a flipper being thrown in the mix with Andrew “I’m Nimortal!” Johns being questioned over his involvement in some spaff between two dipshits with too much money and a horse that escaped from the dog food factory.  For any kids reading this, that means that the horse worked at the dog food factory as a Chief Financial Officer and looked after some very important accounts.  For the adults reading this, it means that dog food is made out of shitty horse meat.  To be honest, I’m pretty sure no one in Australia gives a fuck what the Waterhouses and the Singletons of this world are doing with their race horses, and would just prefer them all to fuck right off.  At least with all this wankery, the Australian media hasn’t had their usual knee-jerk reaction and donked a “gate” on the end of the story to sensationalise it again.  “Waterhousegate” sounds a bit shit. 

On the subject of the “gate” phenomenon, shouldn’t the Watergate scandal have been called “Watergategate”?

Round Eight:

I reckon this weekend’s games will go pretty much to plan – Souths to use their better size, speed and skills to get over Brisbane, Parramatta will continue sucking, Cronulla will consider getting back on the roids after another loss, and the Roosters will keep beating up small children under the guise of being a successful team.  That was a metaphor.  Although it wouldn’t surprise me if at least a few of the Chooks hadn’t dropped an elbow on a couple of ten year olds.  That wasn’t a metaphor.

Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Burgesses
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers
Parramatta Eels vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
New Zealand Warriors vs Gold Coast Titans
Newcastle Knights vs Cronulla Sharks
Sydney Roosters vs Penrith Panthers
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

Game of the Round:

Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders

Well the Raiders certainly were shit last week.  The Storm, on the other hand, were pretty fucking good.  The Raiders have lost Jarrod Croker to injury.  The Storm, on the other hand, don’t have any players missing.  The Raiders are trialling a new blue top.  The Storm, on the other hand, will keep their usual purple and yellow and shit thing going.  The Raiders are languishing near the bottom end of the ladder.  The Storm, on the other hand, are at the top.

Weighing this up, one hand is way heavier than the other (and has purple).  Can’t beat a purple hand.  I think that was a metaphor.  Storm by a thOUsand.

First kisses can be awkward.  Especially when someone else is hugging their bum.