This one's gonna hurt. If anyone out there knows how I can somehow upload a Word Document instead of this massive amount of text... I'd be about as appreciative as one man can actually be.
Anyway, Big Brother is almost upon us. This year, you had to send in a video of yourself (done; you can download it for $8.99 onto your mobile phone) and then send in a bunch of stupid answers to a bunch of stupid questions.
Here's Mister Evil Breakfast, ready to take a million bucks from some spastic chick with big norgs... These are seriously all the questions on the application form.
Mister Evil Breakfast's Big Brother audition 2008
1) Your current address
**information not disclosed to MEB readers. Sorry, I have enough problems being swamped with fans, I don’t need any more people camping outside my house just to get a photo with me**
2) Your work phone number
I honestly have no idea. I only realised I had a phone yesterday.
3) Your hair colour
I have no hair. Hair is for the weak.
4) Your eye color - left eye, right eye.
I wear an eyepatch, due to my pirate nature. My other eye is black. Not really, but that would be cool.
5) Are you of Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander decent?
6) Your height (cms)
7) Your weight (kgs)
8) Your shoe size (Australian)
9) Your dress size (Australian)
Only on weekends, size 4.
10) Your bust size (cms)
My pecs are rippling.
11) Your hip measurement (cms)
What? Big enough to keep my torso from falling into my legs.
12) Your collar measurement (cms)
These questions are stupid.
13) Your chest measurement (cms)
14) Tell us in at least 300 words about your childhood. Where did you grow up? What was your family life like?
I was born a pirate, and lived in a cave for the first 7 years of my life, learning the language of ants. Although the ants weren’t pirates, they took me in and became my family. I guess it was a normal childhood, really. After I left the cave, I was a superhero on the streets of London for a time, until I became too bad-ass for my own good and had to retire before I beat myself up for being so damn awesome. I became a millionaire around age 13 by doing mime routines in elaborate street performances. Unfortunately, the good times couldn’t last and I lost all my money at the casino one night by not following the Wesley Snipes creed: Always bet on black. Stupid red. I am now no longer allowed into casinos due to the carnage that followed.
15) Describe your family life now. Has it changed since you were a child?
Not too much, although the ant’s nest is no longer around and I have no idea what happened to my millions of brothers and sisters. I am a Pokemon champion in Japan, a pop-singer in Istanbul and a frilled-neck lizard impersonator in New York. I am still a pirate though, but I also dabble in ninja fighting and astronautical adventures.
16) Do you have any brothers and sisters? Tell us about each of them (including their names and dates of birth).
Fuck, are you serious? Do you know how many eggs an ant lays? Piss off.
17) Are you adopted?
Yes, by the ants. Are you even reading this?
18) Do you have any children? If so, please list their names, and dates of birth.
Not that I’m aware of or paying child support for.
19) How would you describe the role you play in your family’s dynamics?
I was the human element in the ant way-of-life.
20) How do your parents/brothers/sisters/partner/children feel about you taking part in Big Brother?
I’m pretty sure they’d be disappointed that I lowered myself to this level. However, it would give me a chance to eat human entrails on live national television, so they’d be happy that I got to cross something else off my ‘things to do’ list.
21) How does your family describe you?
The best ever. Probably because I am made of knives and am totally awesome.
22) Who in your family are you closest to? Why?
I’d say my nunchuks are now officially a part of my family, especially after the commitment ceremony. Whenever I get into trouble, they’re there for me.
23) Who in your family do you not get on with? Why?
I had a falling out with Trevor, and pushed him into a giant pit of scorpions and lepers. He touched my violin. He knew not to touch my violin, as I had written a note on it saying ‘Do not touch this violin, Trevor, or I’ll fucking kill you.’ He knew I was serious, too, cause the note was written in my sister’s blood, as she was the last person to touch it as well.
24) Name three things you could not do without in the house and why.
1. My pirate hat. It’s a part of me. Quite literally. I had it surgically attached for Christmas.
2. A pogo stick. I’ve never used one, but I think I’d quite enjoy it.
3. My fairy wings. Just so someone can say, “Nice fairy wings!” and then I can stab them with the couch.
25) What are your best qualities?
All of them. Even my bad qualities are good.
26) Tell us about any bad habits you have (be honest!)
I tend to make people nervous by staring at them and mouthing “I will kill you.” I swear, it’s not intentional. It’s more of a subconscious habit now. I also have a penchant for killing people. And I bite my nails.
27) What habits and behaviour do you find most annoying in others?
All of them. They don’t have those habits for long after I meet them. Being torn in half by me is a good way to stop annoying behavioural patterns.
28) Do you have any phobias? What?
I don’t like spiders. Or Reese Witherspoon. You know that scene in Cruel Intentions where she pulls faces at Ryan Phillippe? Definitely the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.
29) What three things frustrate you most about every day life?
i My crowbar is heavy.
ii. That guy.
iii. Answering 123 questions for no apparent reason.
30) What is your biggest achievement?
If I get to the end of this questionnaire, it will be that. Otherwise, probably foiling the bank robbery of ’93.
31) What are your life ambitions?
To cross all the names off my crowbar list. Unfortunately, it keeps growing.
32) What is your most prized possession and why? Who gave it to you or did you buy it yourself?
My mighty Viking axe that was given to me by the Norse god, Oden. Nice bloke, very dry sense of humour. I like it because I can pretty much cut people in half just by thinking about swinging it at them, and then swinging it at them.
33) What style of music would you say is your favourite?
34) What sort of music do you listen to when you’re down?
35) What sort of music do you listen to when you’re feeling up?
Pirate metal. These questions are fucking stupid.
36) Name your favourite football team.
The might of the bloody Canberra Raiders
37) List your three favourite films or actors. Any special reason?
1. Orlando Bloom – I would like to hit him with a crowbar. There’s no way that anyone can be that good looking and that bad an actor. He is not human, and I’d like to kill a cyborg for a change.
2. That guy who was in that other movie with that bloke – I love his stuff. Very versatile.
3. Someone else.
38) List your three favorite books or authors. Any special reason?
a. Any Mr Men book. They inspire me.
b. The 2015 Sports Almanac.
c. Hustler. Boobs.
39) Tell us in at least 200 words about a topic you know more about than anyone else.
I could, but it would probably blow your mind.
And no-one really wants to hear about the day I found a human head.
40) In your quietest moments, what do you think or dream about?
Kittens. Just kidding. Murder.
41) What does happiness mean to you? What makes you happy?
Happiness is a bottle of wine and a fine cigar, followed by a good old fashioned pirate dance on a Viking ship.
Eating corn on the cob is also good.
42) What famous person do you admire most and why?
Myself. Having a blog that is read by at least three people makes me the most famous person ever. I also admire myself because I’m doing this questionnaire.
43) Who would you have dinner with and why? – Nicole Kidman, Ben Cousins or Britney Spears?
Nicole Kidman, just so I could try to get her to eat something. Also because she’s teetering on the edge of being on my crowbar list, and I’d like to be able to make up my mind about her.
44) What makes you sad?
When I hear about pelicans who get lost in the snow.
45) What makes you angry?
When I run out of Pirate Juice and a bunch of pirates rock up to my house and are all like, “Hey man, where’s your Pirate Juice?” and everyone laughs at me.
46) How do you generally manage your anger?
Crowbars and setting things on fire. Also, a cup of Milo.
47) What techniques do you employ to best manage stress in your life?
See above. Stop asking me stupid questions.
48) Which historical or mythical figure do you think you are most like? Why?
I can’t make up my mind; either Spider-man or my next-door neighbour. Spider-man because I’m the best, and my next-door neighbour because his house is close to mine.
49) Have you ever had to share a bedroom? When? Tell us anything you found uncomfortable about it.
I used to share a bedroom with a battle droid. That got a bit uncomfortable at times, particularly during blizzards, which occurred every seventeen seconds.
50) How do you really feel about being filmed 24 hours a day? In at least 100 words, tell us about any aspects of it you are uncomfortable about?
I don’t mind at all, because no one will watch this rubbish anyway. Is that 100 words? No? Too bad.
51) How do you feel about the possibility of being seen naked by viewers on in intimate situations?
People should be more scared about seeing me naked than anything. Your legs could melt just by the thought of seeing me with no clothes on.
52) Tell us in at least 200 words how you feel about having no contact with the outside world for approximately 3 months? This includes having NO access to TV, newspapers, radio, CD, computer or mobile phone.
53) Who do you live with and what’s your relationship to them? How long have you lived there?
I live alone, simply so I don’t have to explain anything to anyone when I bring a new corpse into the house.
54) Tell us how you spend your days. If you work tell us about your job; if you’re a student tell us how you spend your time etc.
I spend most of my day hanging upside down in a pool of toffee. I like to go ice-skating and roll down hills. I am also learning how to knit.
55) If you aren’t doing your dream job - what would it be?
I’d like to be a rhino. Rhinos are cool. That would be a good job to have, being a rhino.
56) What sort of sport or exercise do you enjoy? How regularly do you do it?
I am the current truck-throwing champion of the world. Beat that.
57) How do you spend your leisure time?
I think I’ve answered this before, haven’t I? Something about toffee and knitting or something. Oh, and swearing at people.
58) Do you play a musical instrument? If so what?
You missed a comma. It should have read: “If so, what?” Idiot.
59) Are you a member of any clubs or associations? Please specify.
I am Leader of the World. I think that should count for something.
60) Do you have any hidden talents or unusual hobbies or interests?
I have many, but they’re not hidden, since I have them all tattooed across my face.
61) How do your friends describe you?
They’re too scared to talk about me in case I don’t like what I’m hearing and break out the chainsaw. I love that chainsaw.
62) How would you best describe three of your closest friends?
63) Have you ever fallen out with friends? Why?
Possibly, but only one of us is alive to talk about it.
64) Tell us about a recent example of a person you have found hard to get along with. Why did you not like them? Why did your personalities clash?
Some idiot wrote a questionnaire to get onto Big Brother. I didn’t like that person, especially after I thought, “This would make a funny thing to write.” I don’t like you. You’d better start running.
65) Have ever won a prize? What for?
I win everything. At everything. Even things I didn’t enter. I’ll probably win Big Brother, even though I’m not going on it. I won it last year, too.
66) Tell us about your relationship history, the different people you have had relationships with and whether you are still in contact with them. What was their (full) name?
I have a potato.
67) Are you happy with your current relationship, or lack of it? How did it happen?
I eat tomatoes like apples.
68) What was your most significant relationship? What happened?
Once I ate a kilo of grapes in one sitting.
69) Have you ever had your heart broken? What happened and when?
I separated an egg. I can’t remember why.
70) Is there anyone you once loved (your first love perhaps) and are still not over?
I did love a TV show called “Last Standing”, but it only lasted about 4 episodes. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. It was really good.
71) If you are divorced, what is the name of your ex-partner?
72) Are you usually the dumper or the dumpee? What happens and why do you think that is?
I would liken myself more to a coat… oh, dumper. I thought it said Jumper.
73) What is the worst way you have dumped someone, or been dumped?
Probably when I formed “You’re dumped” in the sky using specially trained pigeons and a glue that holds things in the air.
74) Describe your ideal relationship.
FUCK THIS IS BORING.
75) If you could start all over, what would you like to change in your life?
Not start this questionnaire.
76) What do you expect from the future? Where would you like to be in ten years?
Hopefully I’ll have finished filling this piece of shit out. The future will be a lot like now, but with more flying cars.
77) While you’re in the house, it’s likely that ex-lovers, former friends etc, may come forward to tell the world what you’re ‘really’ like - how do you feel about this? Can you guess who might spill the beans?
They know what will happen to them if they do.
78) Have you ever used recreational drugs? What? With what frequency and when was the last time? (Please note you will be drug tested prior to going into the House).
Only those which I grow, process and sell myself.
79) Have you ever been to a funeral? Tell us about it, including who it was and how they died.
This is probably the worst question on here, and that’s saying something.
80) Do you smoke?
Only after sex. I’m a pack-a-day man.
81) If you do smoke, how many a day?
I should have read the next question before answering the last one.
82) What is your sexual preference? M/ F/ Both
83) How much do you have in your bank account?
I have a small jar with a cookie and a plastic spoon in it. That’ll do me.
84) What religion are you?
85) Please provide contact details for someone you work with. Make sure you get their consent first. (Friend contact)
I work with Leroy, my pirate buddy. He's not an astronaut though. I am.
86) Please provide contact details for your mother. Make sure you get her consent first. (Family contact)
Please provide contact details for YOUR mother. Yeah.
87) Please provide contact details for your father. Make sure you get his consent first. (Family contact)
He didn't give me his consent. I'm pretty sure he'd punch your face inside-out if you tried to call him though.
88) Please provide contact details for your best friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
My best friend is a worm called Elvis. It's hard to reach him, due to him being: A) a worm, B) Elvis, and C) a ninja.
89) Please provide contact details for a relative other than your parents or brothers and sisters. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Family contact)
I have gone for three days without sleep.
90) Please provide contact details for a second good friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
How come so many kids have allergies these days? In my day, if we got sick, it got back-handed out of you.
91) Please provide contact details for a third good friend. Make sure you get his/her consent first. (Friend contact)
No. How many friends do you people need anyway?
92) Please provide contact details for three former partners - (husband; wife; girlfriend; boyfriend) resident in Australia. Make sure you get their consent first.
Porridge is a funny thing, isn't it? The word comes from the sound it makes when it falls off your spoon in slow-motion.
93) Between the months of April to August is there anything in your daily routine (ie feeding your dog/cat/animal, caring for a family member, work etc), that would preclude you from being part of Big Brother?
Could you please protect the world from super-villains? And feed my fish. And find me a job, and do that job to a satisfactory level until I return. I may get you fired though, so don’t get too comfy.
94) Please provide the following details for your present/most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
I am self-employed as a pirate.
95) Please provide the following details for your second most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
I was a travelling minstrel, selling poems to ponds and writing on the seeds of a dandelion. Also, I was stoned. Really, really stoned.
96) Please provide the following details for your third most recent job: Company name, Job title, Start date, End date, Address, telephone number
Body double for Daniel Day-Lewis’ left foot in the movie “Last of the Mohicans”.
97) Are you happy to undergo a psychological test? (This is a pre-condition to participation in the series)
Another one? Man…
98) Are you happy to undergo a medical test? (This is a pre-condition to participation in the series)
Sure, but I am part machine, you should probably know that now.
99) Have you ever been treated for, or had any serious illnesses? If yes, please give details including dates.
I am disease and pestilence.
100) Have you ever been treated for any psychological/psychiatric problems? If yes, please give details including dates.
Have I? You should see my file (you can’t, by the way).
101) List any medication you have been prescribed or taken over the last six months.
All of them. At once.
102) Are there any medications you will continue taking, or anticipate taking over the next six months?
Hopefully the antidote to all the ones I took previously.
103) Have you ever been diagnosed with alcoholism or any other drug-related addiction? If so, please provide details including how long you have been in recovery.
I’m drinking a schooner of heroin right now.
104) Do you have any food allergies or special dietary requirements?
I will eat anything, including human flesh, barbed wire and tofu.
105) Do you suffer from regular pain in any way, for example headaches or period pain? If so, how do you overcome the pain?
Period pain. Strangely, except for when I am having my period.
106) Have you ever had an operation? Why? When?
I once had an operation to insert a CD player into my chest, so I could play theme music as I kicked ass everywhere. But now I just get an orchestra to follow me around.
107) Have you ever been charged with a criminal offence? If so, please give details of the offence you were charged with and the dates of charge/s. What was the outcome?
Probably. I get into a lot of trouble and wake up with no memory and bloody hands. It can be a bit embarrassing.
108) Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If so, please give details including dates of conviction. You are not required to answer this question if your conviction is a spent conviction.
I did spend some time in jail, but I rolled a double three and got out.
109) Have you ever had a restraining order (such as an apprehended or personal violence order) issued against you? If so, please give details including dates the order was made.
I sure have. It’s framed and hanging on my wall.
110) Are you currently on bail or probation or are there any outstanding criminal or civil actions being taken against you? If so, please give details including the dates when you think you might be required to attend at court.
111) Are you presently affected by or a party to any court proceedings which are not covered by the questions above (for example, any matter in the family law courts such as divorce or custody proceedings, driving convictions, proceedings for debt recovery or other non-criminal matters)? If so, please give details including dates when you think you might be required to attend at court.
What’s your favourite colour? I like blue.
112) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Decriminalise drugs? Yes /No /Don’t care.
Thank you for acknowledging me. Yes. Drugs are now mandatory.
113) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Castrate Paedophiles? Yes /No /Don’t care
Sure, castrate everyone. Except me.
114) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Legalise gay marriages? Yes /No /Don’t care
I won’t only legalise gay marriages, it will be illegal to not be gay. Except for me.
115) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Lower the age of sexual consent? Yes /No /Don’t care
It won’t matter, everyone’s castrated and gay.
116) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reduce immigration into Australia? Yes /No /Don’t care
Immigrants are welcome, but only if they’re hot.
117) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Reintroduce capital punishment? Yes /No /Don’t care
Sure, if I can be the guy with the axe.
118) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Abolish the dole? Yes /No /Don’t care
Absolutely. However, people will be paid on the level of their awesomeness, as decided by me. Their new job will be to be awesome.
119) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Declare a republic and commission a new flag? Yes /No /Don’t care
Only if I get to draw the flag and can change it whenever I want, which will be most of the time.
120) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Ban schoolies week? Yes /No /Don’t care
It would be a year-long event and an over-18s gig only. The school kids can go back down the mines.
121) You are the absolute ruler of Australia, do you: Make Shane Warne the Minister of Communications? Yes /No /Don’t care
There’s be no Ministers for anything. Everyone would be too drunk, the only thing I need to worry about is those kids in the mine, and if they’re hauling enough coal back up here for us to live on. Warnie can buy me a beer though.
122) May we use your first name in press communications?
If I had one, you could.
123) I hereby agree that I have answered these questions to the best of my knowledge.