Tuesday, February 18, 2014

clever htinking

If you ever run out of toothpaste, just put a layer of fake tan onto your skin.  It will make your teeth seem whiter than ever!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Monday, February 10, 2014

Personal challenges

Whenever I have to sign for anything - whether it's a delivery, a credit card or one of those novelty, over-sized birthday cards that goes around the office every so often, I try to steal the pen that the person gave me to sign it with.

So far, I have three.  Fuck off, I never said I was good at it.

Friday, February 07, 2014


The only reason I would join a pilates class is so I would be able to get my wallet out of my back pocket in the McDonalds Drive-Thru a lot easier.

Thursday, February 06, 2014

This actually happened to me today

I was walking through Big W on my lunch break today, and I had four people ask me where things were. I explained to them all that I did not work there. Two people apologised, one said, "You should work here, then you could help me, because I can't find anything in this shop," and the fourth one advised me that I shouldn't go into Big W if I'm wearing a blue shirt. 

I told them that I was actually in there to buy a different coloured shirt, but kept being interrupted by other customers that I hadn't had time to get one yet. She advised that I should also get a different tie, because it wouldn't look good on a red shirt. I told her that I was going to buy a black shirt, which she thought was a better idea (phew), and then I proceeded to tell her about how I usually take a short-cut through David Jones to get back to work, and how I was now going to have to go the long way so people didn't mistake me for a David Jones employee if I was in the store with a black shirt on, which meant I was going to have to walk past the Cancer Council desk, and every time I walk past them, they talk to me and suck me in and make me feel guilty for not donating money, and I feel obligated to give them an ongoing monthly (tax deductible) donation of $28 per month, which I normally keep going for three months before cancelling it.

I explained that I didn't really have that kind of expendable cash right now, to be spending over $100 on a shirt that I didn't really want. I was kind of hoping that she'd give me some money, but she didn't. She just patted me on the arm and walked away.

 Big W didn't have what I wanted, by the way. I did manage to track down an employee, and she said, "No, we don't have that."

 It was still a pretty good lunch break though.

Wednesday, February 05, 2014


Poor people in movies always have clean houses with flowers and framed pictures. We only know they’re really poor because the curtains are grey.

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

So evil

I think a good supervillain would be if someone had a ute or a truck, but they never helped their friends move house.

Monday, February 03, 2014