TGIF, amirite?

"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

and oldie but a goodie

I used to be a kleptomaniac but I took something for it.

clever htinking

If you ever run out of toothpaste, just put a layer of fake tan onto your skin.  It will make your teeth seem whiter than ever!

I don't have enough doe

You know what’s deer?  Venison.

Bing

I love the word "frequently" and so I try to use it as much as possible.

Personal challenges

Whenever I have to sign for anything - whether it's a delivery, a credit card or one of those novelty, over-sized birthday cards that goes around the office every so often, I try to steal the pen that the person gave me to sign it with.

So far, I have three.  Fuck off, I never said I was good at it.

Pilates

The only reason I would join a pilates class is so I would be able to get my wallet out of my back pocket in the McDonalds Drive-Thru a lot easier.

This actually happened to me today

I was walking through Big W on my lunch break today, and I had four people ask me where things were. I explained to them all that I did not work there. Two people apologised, one said, "You should work here, then you could help me, because I can't find anything in this shop," and the fourth one advised me that I shouldn't go into Big W if I'm wearing a blue shirt. 

I told them that I was actually in there to buy a different coloured shirt, but kept being interrupted by other customers that I hadn't had time to get one yet. She advised that I should also get a different tie, because it wouldn't look good on a red shirt. I told her that I was going to buy a black shirt, which she thought was a better idea (phew), and then I proceeded to tell her about how I usually take a short-cut through David Jones to get back to work, and how I was now going to have to go the long way so people didn't mistake me for a David Jones employee if I was in the store with a black shirt on, which meant I was going to have to walk past the Cancer Council desk, and every time I walk past them, they talk to me and suck me in and make me feel guilty for not donating money, and I feel obligated to give them an ongoing monthly (tax deductible) donation of $28 per month, which I normally keep going for three months before cancelling it.

I explained that I didn't really have that kind of expendable cash right now, to be spending over $100 on a shirt that I didn't really want. I was kind of hoping that she'd give me some money, but she didn't. She just patted me on the arm and walked away.

 Big W didn't have what I wanted, by the way. I did manage to track down an employee, and she said, "No, we don't have that."

 It was still a pretty good lunch break though.

Mis-en-scene

Poor people in movies always have clean houses with flowers and framed pictures. We only know they’re really poor because the curtains are grey.

So evil

I think a good supervillain would be if someone had a ute or a truck, but they never helped their friends move house.

Peanut

I just wish someone could explain peanut allergies to me in a nutshell.