Friday, July 29, 2016

My Life as a Movie of the Day

When I'm going to start my car, I drop my keys to make it feel like I’m in a bad horror movie.  I always try to make sure that there's a murderous psycho in my back seat who I see in the rear-view mirror who wasn't there before I dropped my keys.  

Thursday, July 28, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 21: Retro Round

For some reason, Round 21 on the NRL schedule is “Retro Round.”  Retro Round.  This isn’t a fucking pub crawl or a trivia night, you stupid old twats.  Why not throw in a “Joker Round” where each team plays for TRIPLE POINTS as well?  Fucking idiots running this game, honestly.
So in honour of Retro Round this weekend, the Tigers have gone back to their tried-and-true game plan of sacking their captain again, and have donked Robbie Farah back into NSW Cup for another week, leaving him stranded on 247 games for the Wests club.  That must suck.  Surely you could just sneak your name onto the match card so you get your 250 game commemorative glass at Presentation Night?  Oh, and by the way, the theme for Presentation Night this year is “Retro” because it’s hilarious. 
To be honest, I don’t really like Robbie Farah, I don’t think he has ever been NSW’s best option to play hooker in the years that he has played Origin, and I think there’s a bit more to the whole thing than “a spat between the player and the coach.”  To keep things square with the fans though, give the guy the games he needs to notch up a pretty impressive milestone, then fuck him off at the end of the season.  Maybe break it to him gently at the end-of-season trip to Bali or something, but do it on Retro Night in Kuta so he can drink ethanol while he cries into his retro afro wig.  I mean, it’s not like the Tigers are going to really do… anything… if they get into the finals anyway, right? 
In other news about players that no one really likes, Michael “The Grub” Ennis is retiring at the end of the 2016 season.  Any time that a man’s friends and teammates call him “Grub” is the true definition of a great man.  The Ennexit has shocked a few rugby league fans, who thought that he was in the best form of his life and should probably weasel out a few more years (and a couple of hundred grand, jus sayin), but he has pulled the pin.  Some say it’s a valiant attempt to inspire his Sharks teammates to spur them to grand final victory, sealing the fairytale end to his and Gallen’s career holding aloft the Winfield Telstra Cup.  Here’s hoping that that doesn’t come true. 
Others speculate that he is moving into the media side of things, as he is literate,  articulate, a keen observer of the game and will be able to offer rare insight into the sport.  Obviously he won’t be appearing on Channel 9 any time soon.
In any case, this is the most amount of media attention that hookers have had since Corey Norman’s last night out.

Roosters vs Broncos

You know, I watch a lot of football.  Many games. And you know what people say? They say, “we don't win anymore.” But believe me, at the end of this game, we're gonna be so tired of winning. We're gonna win all the time. You're gonna be sick of it. And the thing is, I just won't care. We've got to make this game start winning again, people. It's just that simple.

Bulldogs vs St George

Both of these teams should have been taken out the back and shot after their performances last weekend.  The Dawgs couldn’t put a dent on the Cowboys, and St George just keep looking more and more bereft of attacking options.  The closest thing they’ve had to a decent backline movement this year is when Dugan got the runs from a late-night kebab.  If Canterbury just keep feeding the Morris twins, they should be able to begin the end of the Dragons’ 2016 campaign. 

Warriors vs Panthers

When the Warriors vs Panthers game looks to be one of the best matches of the round, you know you’re in some trouble.  The last few weeks have seen the Warriors scramble into consecutive golden-point losses, whereas the Panthers look to be hitting some form late in the year.  Like all New Zealand games, this one could be anyone’s… but I’m tipping the Panthers, cause you have to tip someone.

Parra vs Tigers

It’s official – Parramatta’s season is gone.  They cannot make the finals mathematically, physically, psychically, figuratively, literally, metaphorically or transcendentally.  They have a makeshift half-line, their front row has been sourced from some Tongan blokes in the crowd, and their centres break like the stale rice cakes that I found in my cupboard the other day (they still tasted alright though).  When your best player is the little bloke standing on the wing, there’s not a lot to play for. 

Cowboys vs Storm

It’s probably fair to say that Melbourne have had an easy run in the comp so far – they seem to have played the shit teams more often than not, and have had a decent run through the Origin period without losing anyone to injury.  This weekend, they come up against the Cowboys – will the Storm’s powder-puff schedule come back to kick them in their flabby little arses?  Probably not.  The weather in Townsville this weekend calls for a Storm (it doesn’t really, it’s just some witty wordplay).

Souths vs Raiders WOO

Canberra are hotter than Scarlett Johansson's bum right now but face a tough run in the finals, so this game will be a mere warm-up for facing proper teams.  Souths have been horrendous lately – the Burgess drinking game of taking a shot every time one of them drops the ball has turned from a bit of fun into a sign of crippling alcoholism.  All 28 people who turned up to watch Souths vs Manly should have got a refund.  Canberra, meanwhile, love to make life interesting by interspersing dazzling attack, staunch defence, dickfingered control and shithouse tackling all within eighty minutes.  It’s fantastic.

Manly vs Newcastle

Poor Newcastle.  Poor me, having to tip Manly. 

Titans vs Sharkies

The Sharks looked completely uninspired last week as they ran through the Knights, and put about as much into the game as they would have if they had the bye, and still managed to rack up a thirty point victory though.  While everyone is (quietly) cheering on the Titans, I don’t think they’ll manage to get up over the current premiership faves this week.  Sorry Tits fans (both of you).
The Burgess fingerprint is a tricky one to take

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Thought of the day

I think I could make a roll of toilet paper last forever if I treated the entire roll the way I treat the last ten squares.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Thought of the day

If I have learned one thing in life, it is that it would have been better to have learned more than one thing.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Thought of the day

I wonder how many of the arrests on Scooby Doo actually resulted in a conviction?

Friday, July 22, 2016

My life is a movie of the day

Whenever I go to a bar to drink by myself because I'm depressed, I always order a scotch and get the bartender to leave the bottle so I can just drink the whole thing myself, because that's how bars work.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 20: Only 312 days until Origin

Eight games in the round.  Broncos back on Friday night.  Roosters to lose again.  Farah dropped to reserve grade.  Canberra break into the top four. 
The NRL is back to where it should be.  Aaaaah.

So… what the fuck has been going on lately?  The whole fucking competition has been in complete fucking disarray, and getting worse, over the last couple of seasons.
My theory is that the whole fucking thing has been planned out as tightly as a Home and Away script.  There are characters you are supposed to like, there are villains we love to hate, and there are the expendables who get brought in, hang around for a while and then get bumped off. 
But the worst part of all of this is that like every TV series, there will be an end, and the writers are driving us towards it.  Like the Ghostbusters franchise, the NRL is actually trying to destroy itself. 
Like all good stories, the NRL has characters (which are called “teams”) that can be described as either the heroes, the villains, the sidekicks, the comic relief and so on.  The NRL management has hard-wired the fans and the media to believe these categories, and it is very rare for a team to break out of the mould that it is recognised as. 
The Broncos are one of the hero teams.  We don’t really know why, but they are allowed to cheat the fuck out of the salary cap, get all the good times to play, are ignored when a sexual assault or drug-possession case gets brought up, and nobody questions a thing.  They get the good run of weak teams during Origin.  They are Queensland.  They are gods.  They are rarely “a team playing badly.”  They might be “in a slump” or “off their game” or “they beat themselves” but there is no way that the comic relief - Eels or Penrith - could ever actually beat the Broncos or the Storm. 
If David Klemmer from the Bulldogs (villains) scores a try against the might of the Horse, it’s not because Klemmer is a monster or was faster or stronger than the opposition, it’s because Brisbane were “tired” from Origin or “still reeling” from a dubious penalty call.  But when Klemmer punches a hole in a change-room wall after the game, it’s because he’s a thug and a bad loser.  That’s the script.  And nobody wants to see the villain win, and in some cases they get forgotten about completely (2014 Grand Final, anyone?). 
When the Warriors players are hunched over and breathing deep, they are “out of shape” and “need a complete overhaul of the culture of the entire club.”  If the Cowboys or Storm are out of breath, they have “run themselves to a stand-still.”  Similarly, when James Tedesco destroys a team, it’s because of the “Tedesco factor.”  When the Tigers get destroyed, it’s “relying too much on James Tedesco.” 
Traditionally, the Queensland teams get the rub of the green with the media; it’s the NRL’s way of killing off the core fanbase in NSW.  Keep the Sydney supporters disheartened.  Let their teams flounder.  Give the broadcast rights to the worst options.  Introduce new rules to confuse and divide referees to further the disenfranchised fans.  Slow the game down, bring in useless technology, make the game difficult to watch.  Get in shitty commentators.  Shrink the sport as much as possible, try and get the fans to turn over to rugby, AFL or soccer.  
Why would you ruin a perfectly good sport?  Because this shit will take years to completely destroy, and until then, everybody still gets paid, and by the time some other idiot sticks his hand up to “save the NRL”, no one will care. 
Except me, probably.
These don't sound appealing at all, but I would eat them by the trailer load if I could

Cowboys vs Doggies

This game has the potential to be a whole lot closer than people think, as the Dogs hang desperately to their spot in the top 4.  People have labelled the Dogs “inconsistent” this year, but their record of Win-Lose-Win-Lose-Win-Lose.  That, motherfuckers, is the epitome of consistent.  Although I forget which bit they’re up to… Probably lose.  And with their full plethora of Origin players back, I reckon the Cowboys will be too tough to beat, especially at home. 

Broncos vs Penrith

Yyyyyyyyyyeah probably Broncos.  They picked back up last week after sucking for ages, and Penrith (god bless ‘em), just keep on hanging in there to either win or lose by 2.  I’m tipping the Broncs, but only because Corey Oates makes me feel kinda funny.  YES IN THAT WAY.

Woop Woop Raiders vs the Stupid Idiot Warriors

There are no sheep in Canberra, so the Warriors will just have to go fuck themselves this weekend.  The unstoppable force that is the Raiders have also named four giant beasts on their bench, so we can anticipate some kind of smack-down affair in the capital (with a consolation try to Shaun Johnson).  I look forward to the point where Edrick Lee breaks down with a torn hamstring again and Ricky puts Junior Paulo onto the wing. 

Titans vs Eels

It was a relatively quiet week from the Eels, as they kind of kissed their season goodbye with last week’s loss and this week’s official suspension of Corey Norman for eight weeks.  Eight weeks for possession?  The guy should have shoulder charged someone into next week, and he only would have copped about three weeks.  Parra will be bolstered by the return of Tim Mannah, at least for six minutes until he gets concussed again.  For the Titans, Greg Bird has been suspended AGAIN (it can’t be long til he cops an eight week penalty for being a dickhead or taking drugs or something, surely?), which brings Agnatius Paasi into the starting line-up.  I have no idea who that is, but that’s a great name.  It sounds like he should be an 18th century philosopher or priest or something, probably played by Morgan Freeman. 

Storms vs Rooster

We can only hope that the Storm repeat what they did to the Chooks earlier in the year with a billion-to-nil victory.  It’s always good seeing the Roosters suck.  While the Storm could be accused of slacking off lately, and the Roosters improving each week, it’s only a matter of time before an upset occurs.  Based on these two teams, it should be somewhere around 2087.

Sharks vs Newie

Imagine coaching the Knights:  “Come on boys, we let the game against Canberra go, and we were really competitive against the Storm backing up from Origin, and we might be able… to beat… a full-strength Cronulla.  Ah fuck it.  Pub?”  With four players out for Newcastle, the Sharkies should be able to notch up about sixty bazillion tries.  Gal might even get one. Hope not though.

Saints vs Tigers

The Dragons have the worst attack in the comp right now, bar none, so the Tiges’ problems in defence will be solved by that little issue.  There is so little to like about this game that I doubt either team will bother coming.

Rabbits vs Manly

The Rabbitohs this year, I mean, come on, I literally can’t even, you know?  Whatever poo is in their pie has really affected them… as poo in a pie probably would.  Really stifled in attack, lacklustre in defence and it shames me to say that I am actually tipping Manly this week.  I know, I feel like less of a human.  In good news for the Bunnies though, Adam Reynolds makes his 12th return from injury for the season, although he has already booked a quick holiday to Bali for next weekend.   

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Thought of the day

Whenever I get in my car, I'm always surprised at how loud I liked to listen to the radio yesterday.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Thought of the day

Do you ever wonder how often Darth Vader fell asleep during meetings on the Death Star and no one noticed?

Monday, July 18, 2016

Joke of the Day

A guy I used to work with would always whistle when he peed.  I kept telling him that it’s not supposed to make that noise.

Friday, July 15, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 19

Thank fuck State of Origin is over for another year, and everyone can get back to doing what they’re best at:  drugs, sexual assault, public nudity, drink-driving and domestic violence.  Luckily for the NRL, the Parramatta club have been digging deep and giving 110% to make up for the lack of off-field offences since Blake Ferguson and Josh Dugan have been off the street and in Origin camp.  This week, the Eels made the decision to drop Corey Norman indefinitely, following the release of his sex tape… a day before he was due to attend court on drugs charges… in the same week that it was announced that he accepted payments in “brown paper bags.”  It’s probably safe to say that the announcement to drop him probably wasn’t completely unexpected. 

Congratulations to the Queensland Origin team for racking up another 2-1 series victory in what will most likely go down in history as one of the dullest, most dire and downright fucking boring series ever played.  When the main talking points about the game revolve around the referee, you know something’s gone wrong.  Some people say that Queensland were penalised six more times as they left the stadium, twice as they got onto the bus and three times again this morning as they went to training.  NSW still haven't been able to score, despite the glut of possession and no opposition. 

This year's Origin felt like both teams had been told “you should have pride in playing at this level” rather than actually instilling that pride into the players.  During the NSW preparations, Blues legends Brad Clyde and Glenn Lazarus popped in to give a pep speech about their experiences in Origin.  By the end of the session, Andrew Fifita admitted that “half the boys had their phones out to find YouTube clips of them, because no one really knew who they were.”  WHAT THE FUCK. 

This series was not the showpiece of the sport that it bills itself as.  For the players, it was just another game, another $30,000 appearance fee, another week of having to listen to James Maloney talk about the time he got caught masturbating, or put up with Corey Parker’s stories about World War II.  It’s not even an honour to be picked for Origin anymore; when Dylan Walker gets selected, it makes me think that my call-up probably isn’t too far away. 

This year was always going to be a billed as a “rebuilding” phase for NSW as they dropped some old blokes, brought in different old blokes, switched their young blokes around, and in the end somehow stumbled upon a team that won by four points in a game that didn’t actually mean anything in context, leading into wild celebrations about “the new generation of footballers”, “core spine groups” and “just wait til Jarryd Hayne comes back!”  When you’re pegging your hopes on someone who ran away from the game to not play NFL before not playing rugby for Fiji and not having a rugby league team to come back to, maybe those lofty heights of success aren’t quite as big as you think, and you can probably reach it if you just stand on a phone book. 

In all, there was probably about 15 minutes of actual good, exciting, skilful football played over the three matches, and that was always in the last minutes of each game.  And for what is meant to be the epitome of awesomeness in league, that’s just not good enough.  There’s too much emphasis on slowing down the play, not enough emphasis on shifting the defence around, too much kicking and hoping, not enough offloads, and far too much Robbie Farah. 

And for fuck’s sake, JAMES FUCKING TEDESCO, I know you’re the great white hope of the Tigers.  You’re Neo to Jason Taylor’s Morpheus.  You are the Balky to Luke Brooks’ Cousin Larry.  The Simon to the Tigers’ Garfunkel.  The Han Solo to the NRL’s Chewbacca.  You are Calibri while everyone else is Times New Roman.  You are Gandalf to Origin’s Balrog. 

St George vs Titans

It’s refreshing not to have a Friday night football game between top four sides.  Not only does it allow league fans to appreciate other teams’ style of play and execution and put some new players in the spotlight, it also opens up the opportunity to go out on a Friday night and ignore shitfights like this game completely.

Manly vs Warriors

This game is part of a promotion of the NRL into Western Australia – apologies to our Perth friends over there who wander into the stadium by accident.  Apologies too to the NZ Warriors; the NRL really couldn’t have found a team located any further away to take to the other side of the country, could they?  
I don’t care much about this game, but there is this

MANLY star Dylan Walker is out of rugby league for four weeks after injuring his hand as a result of punching the front door of his northern beaches residence over the weekend.
The Daily Telegraph can reveal that Walker got into an argument with his girlfriend which led to the drama.  Earlier in the evening, Walker had been out drinking in Manly.

Fucking brilliant.
In terms of the winner of this game, I’m tipping Warriors, but really not confident.  Manly looked pretty good in their last hit-out, probably because they don’t have to perform “Weekend at Bernie’s” (kids, ask your parents) to drag Brett Stewart’s corpse around the field for 80 minutes.  But as the old saying goes: ‘fuck Manly.’

Souths vs Broncos

Man, I wish this game was being played in 2014.  Unfortunately, it’s 2016 (holy shit), and both teams are horribly out of form at the moment.  I think the Broncos are more likely to wake up from their mid-year snooze to take the biscuits in this one.  To be perfectly Francis, it wouldn’t surprise me if Souths lose the rest of their games and get kicked out of the competition for being shit again. 

Knights vs Storm

The Knights are threatening to upset a few teams who underestimate them in the back-half of the season, and are starting to put together a bit of decent footy.  The Storm will have a few players hungover or injured from mid-week Origin, which could disrupt their trademark “fuck you” defensive patterns, but I think the overall shittiness of Newcastle will get Melbourne through this one.

Panthers vs Parramatta

It seems that the plethora of off-field distractions that have threatened to fuck Parramatta in the ear this year really haven’t phased them at all, and despite a 12-point deduction for being dirty cheating fucks, are still in finals contention (and above Newcastle and the Roosters lol).  The latest sting of losing their playmaker and biggest attacking weapon within two weeks of each other is surelysurelysurely too fucking much for them to bear against a Panthers squad still just looking to make finals rather than make the finals and avoid jail-time.

Roosters vs Sharks

Remember when Blake Ferguson quit the Sharks a few years back, saying “I want to play in a team that wins the premiership” and then moved to Canberra (no premierships there, sorry tiger) and now he’s at the Roosters, who are only one win above Newcastle at the bottom of the ladder?  Hopefully the Sharks remind him of that statement a few times during the game as he drops another ball with no pressure on him.  Despite the Sharks having a gamut of players backing up from Wednesday night, I’m tipping them to win this one pretty comfortably.  

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Kids these days of the day

Back in my day, when someone had a similar viewpoint to yours but they expressed it differently, you'd use the phrase, "You say 'tomayto', I say 'tomato'", or abbreviate it to "tomayto / tomato".  

Kids these days will just tweet to each other "tom8o / tom@o".  Then they'll lol about it and dab some Pokemon.  

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Job Interview of the Day

I like to go to job interviews for positions that I really have no intention of getting, and in most cases, don't even apply for. There's no harm in bullshitting your way into and out of the same interview. And fuck it, who knows where it might lead?

Interviewer: So, Mister Evil Breakfast, tell me about yourself; what really drives you to succeed? 

Mister Evil Breakfast: Well, I learned a lot while I was in Vietnam.
Interviewer: You have done some travelling around Vietnam?

Mister Evil Breakfast: If that's what you mean by "fighting in the Vietnam war", then yes.

Interviewer: In the war? How old are you?

Mister Evil Breakfast: I am 36. A lot of people think I look younger.

Interviewer: ...that would make it impossible for you to have been in the Vietnam war.

Mister Evil Breakfast: Are you saying that I went and did all of that for nothing? Sure there was a lot of blood and people screaming, but we never knew who the real enemy was.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Clothes Washing tip of the day

I strive to end clothing apartheid – everything should go into the washing machine together, whites and colours united as one, washed in perfect harmony with the unified goal of laziness and time saving.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Thought of the day

When I was at school, I cannot believe how often I believed that the grey end of the eraser would remove ink, despite the previous fifty efforts just tearing a hole in my book.  

Friday, July 08, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 18

State of Origin is pissing me off.  It’s probably pissing a lot of people off.  It goes too long, is way too over-hyped and is currently fucking our game.  I don’t blame Queensland for winning, nor do I blame New South Wales for losing.  I don’t blame the coaches or the teams or the fans who turn up.  I blame the big fat fucks who are running the NRL, who stretch out the season like I stretch out the last bit of butter in the tub and the final vestiges of Vegemite in the jar – scrape it over and over and over and spread it thin.  Three weeks between Origin games?  Fuck off.  Split rounds and multiple byes and four-day turnarounds for almost three months?  Fuck off.  Fuck it off completely.  The reason for the gaps during Origin are to sell more fucking jerseys, spruik more ads, get more sponsors and annoy the piss out of the punters who bother turning up every week to watch this circus.  
The NRL is not looking after the long-term interests of the game, and the effects of this will start to become very apparent very quickly.

Speaking of Origin... on the field, Laurie Daley has relented and finally dropped a bunch of underperforming donkeys from his shithouse team and brought in a different bunch of underperforming dickheads to underwhelm us. 
The Dylan Walker experiment has been cancelled and the official Jack Bird reign of something begins.  Wade Graham  will FINALLY make his debut after it was announced two weeks ago that he “might never get another chance.”  Josh Dugan is back to match the uselessness of Jennings on the other side of the field.  Matt Moylan was dropped  for champion of the people James Tedesco to come into the team, then was brought back because Reynolds hurt himself (picked it).  A few eyebrows were raised at this move, but it totes makes sense; Laurie has used mathematics to get the advantage over the Queenslanders – by losing a halfback, he has replaced him with a fullback.  Double the back, double the impact.  Check mate.  
In all seriousness, this is pretty much the right team going forward.  One winger and both of the centres are a bit shit, plus there’s a marshmallow in the front row and a shit hooker and an absolute monger in the second row, but obviously a lot of people still think they're really good, so maybe it's me who is wrong (it isn’t).
James Tedesco just isn't ready for Origin.  I'm sure he's a good kid with a heap of potential, but he's just not prepared for the challenge.

Not like this new kid, James Tabasco.  
Ah.  I see now.
 In other NRL news, whoever keeps saying, “It can’t get any worse for Parramatta” should probably shut the fuck up, as things do just keep getting worse for Parramatta.  The latest news is that their captain and saviour, Keiran Foran, has quit the NRL.    Remember when playing “Let’s Pick on Parramatta” was fun?  Now it’s just a bit sad. 
In better news for the club (I guess), Jarryd Hayne is (possibly) back.  Back again.  According to Danny “Does Less Research Than Mister Evil Breakfast” Weidler, It's understood to be a deal worth over a million dollars, which the club says it can afford.”  Well yeah, I guess they can afford it, since they had to offload three of their biggest signings in the last month, their captain just quit and two of their players are possibly being arrested.  It's easy to have money when you don't have anyone to pay.  We'd have to assume that Hayne has woken up from his dream of Fijian gold at the Rio Olympics, and kind of needs his old job back... but do the Eels want him there?  
Yeah, probably.  They don't really have a lot else going on.  

Alright, what else is going on this weekend? 


Parramatta vs Roosters

I think after another great week in the history of the Parramatta club, the Roosters have this game in the bag.  They didn’t play badly last weekend to get beaten by the Dogs, and they are probably the team most likely to enjoy kicking Parramatta while they’re down.

Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers

No Woods, Farah or Tedesco for the Tigers.  Yeah nah.  There will be flares in the streets of Bankstown this weekend.    

Penriff vs Sharks

This should actually be an entertaining game, although it counts as pretty much fuck-all in the grand scheme of things.  If Penrith win, it’s because the Sharks have players out.  If the Sharks win, they will crown themselves “Topsest Blokes in the Shire hey”.  So either way, Penrith lose.  Except if they win.  But I’m not tipping for that to happen.

Mighty Unstoppable Canberra Raiders vs North Queensland Losers

Canberra found a whole new way to win (or did Newcastle just find a different way to lose?) last week, and with a weakened Cowboys outfit making the trek to the nation’s capital on Monday, the Green Machine should just keep on Green Machining their way towards the finals.  With Bateman suspended and Papalli injured, Canberra is down to their last 27 back-rowers to pick up the slack.  I’d write something about the Cowboys, but I just don’t care.  Something something Thurston.

Thursday, July 07, 2016

Picture of the Day

This elevator is for a car park that uses different colours to help identify which floor you parked on.  I'm not sure why three of those colours are different shades of green though.  

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Joke of the Day

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have any books on paranoia?" 
The librarian says, "They're behind you!"

Tuesday, July 05, 2016

Thought of the day

Whenever I set my alarm for the morning, I always wake up about two minutes before it goes off.

If I don't set it, however, I wake up about three hours after I should have.

Monday, July 04, 2016

Food review of the day

What more could a warm-blooded Aussie bloody strewth true blue dinky-di Farnsy Barnsy bloody male want on a Saturday other than to wake up, change the future of this bloody great big bloody reddish-brown country, and eat a couple of snags while we're at it?

In case you missed it, it was Election Day this past weekend in Australia, which forced thousands of hungover idiots away from watching Adventure Time on the couch with a bottle of chocolate milk, and out onto the streets to decide who was going to run the country for the next couple of years (fingers crossed they last that long).

The best part of voting is drawing dicks on the ballot paper really appreciating the fan-fucking-tastic demo-fucking-cratic society that we live in, without fear of prejudice for our race, background, religious views or sexual orientation.  Whether you support Labor, the Liberal Party, the Greens, the Nationals, those weird racist-sounding parties or the ones they just put onto the ballot to fill in some space, the most important vote happens outside the polling booth:

Sausage sandwich or egg-and-bacon roll?

St Thomas the Apostle Primary School, Kambah ACT

Around 10am

Cold as fuck

Hangover Rating:
A little dry 

You know that feeling when you vote for your selected party, happy in the knowledge that you've done the educated thing and researched policies and backgrounds, put some thought into how this decision will benefit not only yourself and your family, but other people in all other demographics, and that you have made the correct decision, and then you talk to your friends about how good the party that you voted for was, and everyone's all like, "Really?  You voted for Hitler?" and then it all makes sense and you realise that you misunderstood everything and that the "invade Poland" policy sounds pretty bad in hindsight, and the "eradicate Jews" actually meant to wipe out an entire race of people?  Yeah, that's how I felt when I voted for the Egg and Bacon Roll over the snag sanger.

Dry and tasteless doesn't even begin to describe just how dry and tasteless this abomination was.  The egg was cooked the fuck out of, and the two tiny slivers of piggy meat added nothing to the frozen bread roll that it was served on.  I should have just eaten the napkin; it would have scored better.

2/10 and that's being generous.


Thankfully I also needed to fuck off down to Bunnings later that day to pick up a fire pit and a fire extinguisher, so I figured I'd do the right thing and get the vile taste of voting out of my mouth and grab myself a sausso.

Bunnings Warehouse, Tuggeranong ACT

Around 2pm

Sunny but cold

Hangover Rating:

The team on display at Bunnings this weekend was the WhISPers softball club (don't ask me, they all had jumpers and signs that had it written that way).  To be perfectly frank, I wasn't expecting much from this bunch of softballers due to (a) the fact that they play softball, and (b) they enjoyed letting the sausage line-up extend halfway into Aisle 17 of Bunnings.  The mutes who were looking after line decided not to explain that they were just waiting for some snags to cook, but instead stared off into the distance, just above everyone's heads with that slack-jawed vacant look and avoided all eye-contact that really should be reserved for tee-ball players.  Once the barbie was fired up though, things turned the fuck around.

As soon as it was handed to me, I knew something had changed.  My hand tingled underneath the napkin.  I don't know whether it was because I bothered waiting for about 10 minutes to get this sausage and the anticipation had built up in my mind, or whether this was truly a work of a higher power that I do not deserve to understand, but it took all of my will not to eat this sanger in one bite.

The sausage was perfectly cooked, and tasted like seventeen kinds of glory.  It's like they served up unicorn wrapped in stegosaurus, and cooked to perfection by Zeus himself.  The onions were cripsy - fucking crispy onions - and everything fell perfectly into place.

I have no idea what kind of crack those softball kids are on these days, but I'll buy it if it's even half as good as these sausages.  Cannot fault it, a fucking 10/10.  

Friday, July 01, 2016

Thought of the day

Remember when the humourless, blue-haired women who wanted to ban everything they didn’t like like were senior citizens? Now they’re university students.