Thursday, June 21, 2007

Mister Footy Tips NRL Breakfast

G'day tigers,

It's Friday (maybe) and that means everyone in the known world will get to about 4:30, crack a beer and think about the weekend, then someone will say, "Did you do your footy tips?" and then there'll be a massive rush to get to the computer to punch in your teams for the weekend. No wonder the internet is so slow around 5pm, the entire universe is logging on to do their tips.

Here are mine:

Warriors/Panthers - well... the Panthers are a better team, but rarely turn up to play these days. And I'm never sure if Rhys Wesser is actually ever running fast. Or if Wesser has an H in it. I don't think so. But the Warriors have a thousand players in their team without vowels in their names, so they win on the hardest to spell comp. So the Warriors to win this one by 12. Choice.

Manly/Bulldogs - basically a decision for who I hate more. Which is Manly. But since I'm not doing so well in the tips this year, I'll have to go against my guts and pick a winner. So Manly by a thousand, cause the Dogs are SHIT.

Raiders/Cowboys - The Cowboys are out and out the best team in the North Queensland area. Unfortunately, they don't like to show off too often, so have decided to lose their last few games by the small matter of a million points. And they're the Raiders, so I have to tip them. And it's in Canberra, and it's cold, so the Raiders should quite easily post a century. Will Zillman could be in for man of the match.

Roosters/Eels - I hate the Roosters. Probably cause Braith Anasta plays for them. But moreso because they're crap little girls who plait each other's hair in the change room. They don't tackle because they're afraid of breaking nails or ruining their hair. Except Craig Wing, who is worried his mascara might run. But he'll always wipe some dirt on his face by the end of the game. It drives the girlies wild cause he's "rough". But he's just signed on for the Bunnies, so he's null and void anyway, moreso than usual. Parra by 18.

Titans/Knights - any team with Matt Rogers in it should be hated. Like the way any team that had Anthony Mundine in it should be hated. So I'd say GO KNIGHTS, but they will most likely lose, so tip the Titans, but secretly go for Newcastle. Andrew Johns is rolling over in his wheelchair.

Souths/Sharkies - Hmmmm... if this were a contest in the wild, I'd probably tip the Sharks. Rabbits can get quite vicious if you piss them off and corner them, but I still don't think they'd beat a shark. Especially if they were in water. If it's a land battle... yeah, I'd probably still tip the Sharks. By 14.

Storm/Dragons - Mundine ruined the Dragons. Actually, Jamie Ainscough ruined the Dragons. Ricky Walford almost made up for that, but not quite. And Rod Wishart will live on as the only Steeler anyone can remember. The Storm are going pretty bloody well, so we'll have to assume they'll touch up the Dragons by about 24 points.

Broncos/Tigers - The Broncos have always been a great team. Even when they weren't around, I would back them. But now they're not so good, but I always think they still are. FUCK. Does that make sense? No? Too bad. They'll lose, but I'm tipping them, because I have a funny feeling Alan Langer will come back. And Michael Hancock. And I don't like the Tigers much without Benji. Broncs by 2. Yep, it's a close one.

Good luck, and I will not be held accountable for loss of body organs to pay for your gambling losses.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Mister State of Evil

QLD 10 def NSW 6.

And really, it should have been a lot more.

After possibly the most boring game of State of Origin football ever, I have decided to chronicle the spectacle for years to come via this great medium known as the interweb. Generations to come will be able to read about the mediocrity of Australia’s best players, and this game will live on long after it has been forgotten. Although most of it has been forgotten by me already, but the general theme of the game has been captured beautifully.

It all started badly when Guy Sebastian came on to sing the national anthem. Credit where credit is due, this dude can sing, but there’s no need for that R’n’B trill voice shit going on in Advance Australia Fair. If I wanted to hear Christina Aguilera’s latest single, I would have stabbed myself in the face. Just bang out the anthem with modesty and passion, thanks Guy. Leave the showing off to your Westfield appearances.

Run through the sides, blah blah blah Karmichael Hunt blah blah blah Berrigan blah Thurston blah Petero. Blah blah NSW some guy some other guy blah blah. Basically the same team that looked ordinary in Game 1. Of interest to me was Anthony Minichello had been replaced by Brett Stewart from Manly, and although I hate Manly like I hate all inbred spastics, this guy is pretty good. So maybe they will win, I think. And then they confirm that Braith Anasta is still there, so no, they probably won’t. Although Braith already has some tape holding his head together, so I dare say someone (most likely Danny Buderus) has king-hit him in warm up. Or maybe he was waxing his monobrow and got carried away.

So it’s kick-off time, and some guy kicks it to some other guy, who passes it to someone else and they run forward. It’s a beautiful, intricate game, like if chess pieces could do ballet, and then do kickboxing all the time instead of either playing chess or dancing ballet steps. I'm enjoying the fact that Willie Mason is getting his arse handed to him every time he thinks about getting involved in the game. Look for him to be dropped for Game 3, but selected for the Kangaroos. So not much is happening for a while, and then someone scores. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but I’m pretty sure I was unimpressed.

Speaking of being unimpressive, I don’t get why so many people rate Karmichael Hunt. The dude has never broken the line with his “massive” side-step, which is just him running slowly across field and jumping whenever someone gets close enough to tackle him.
Oh look, Willie Mason just knocked Jonathon Thurston out of the way. Well done, Willie, you’ve just run over the smallest man alive. Welcome to you being 6’3 and 110kgs. Idiot.

Justin Hodges doesn’t pass ever, which is pretty handy for NSW, cause he likes to get into dummy half and amble forward. Here’s another guy who has no pace or agility. Well done. Although after his ‘passing’ efforts a few years back, maybe it’s for the best.
Matt Cooper also seems to be having trouble letting go of the ball, or for that matter, doing anything useful when he does have it. Tits on a bull. And this NSW Bull already has enough tits, so goodbye Coop. Nice seeing you again. I’m sure you’ll do well at whatever side you’re playing for these days.

More running, a try to the Blues (nice one Stewie!) and we might have a game FINALLY. Nope, more rubbish in the 2nd half. I can’t recall anything, as there was a slow moving ant on the wall that captured my attention for most of the 40 mins. I think even Ray Warren lost interest, and started reading from The Great Gatsby on air. No one noticed.

It did get a bit exciting in the last 5 minutes when NSW could have stolen it from QLD, as they all finally started throwing the pill around (except for Cooper). But then they dropped the ball (Cooper again) and didn’t really do anything to deserve winning. Although the stats will show that QLD won, we can safely say that Rugby League was the real loser.

Wrap: Kimmorley was just a bit more useful than Mullen, but that’s not terribly difficult. I guess it’s hard to form a half-line partnership when your partner is Braith Anasta. Surely there’s someone else that we can find who can actually play this sport? Bring friggin Laurie Daley out of retirement. But not Fittler, I hate that prick.

Hot Tip for Game 3: Drop Mason, Anasta and Cooper. Bring in me, my left nut and Will Zillman. Game 3 would be saved, and the Origin spirit would live on.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Mr Evil Blogfast

Mister Evil Breakfast’s People I’d Like To Punch #3:

You probably know someone like this – you might even be that person, and secretly proud of it.

You’re a wanker.

You are the person who has just downloaded every tv show, movie and documentary ever. I ask you about an episode of Party of Five, where tragedy strikes the Salinger family. You know the one, it was not-to-be-missed television. Yep, I’ve got it, you say, proud as Avril Lavigne at rhyming ‘better’ with ‘like, so whatever’.
Where did you get it? inquiring minds want to know.
The smile drops from your face like David Hasselhoff on a hamburger. Your reply is short and useless, like Fred Savage. The internet.

The internet? You wanknut.

What on earth is this wondrous interthing of which you speak? I have been in a coma for the last 27 years of my life and have no idea what you are talking about. It just seems too complicated to bother thinking about. The internet? I’ll just sit here with my stone tools and make grunting noises like Paris Hilton.

You wanktard. The internet is a pretty large place. I’d say it would probably rival Casey Donovan in terms of size, and may even be slightly more entertaining. Last time I checked, there’s more than just one site on there now. Why not save me a bit of time and tell me the site name? I’d rather not go through a thousand freakin crappy fansites about the episode where Bailey smiled so wide his dimples caused a ripple in the space/time continuum and Neve Campbell saw into the future (and it looked bleak; not even her making out with Denise Richards could save her. [But thanks for the memories]) just to find this one episode. Where did you download it?
There’s heaps of sites, comes your swift reply. Almost as swift as my pet shark eating your elbows, I think to myself. Ever tried to use a mouse without elbows? Your arms would get really tired, and you wouldn’t be able to download anything. Seriously, it would suck arse.
Yes, there are heaps of sites, wankface, that’s why I asked. Don’t tell me it’s too complicated for me to understand; I invented the interwebs, wankarse.

You’re the person who has a new pair of shoes, a shirt, a CD or DVD that you bought off the internet, and you’re just that little bit too proud of it. Look at me, you say. I purchased this from a computer. I have split the atom.

How dare anyone else be interested in the things that I am, you say to yourself. I am unique and special and if anyone else has a t-shirt with Pac Man on it, I will lose my edge over the rest of society.
Where did you purchase it?
The internet. Next time, just tell me you bought while you were trekking through the Philippines, and the shop that you bought it from has since been washed away by mudslides and tsunamis. To be honest, I was just making conversation anyway, and you look like a tool.

You're a wanker. Google that.