Friday, September 18, 2009


There are many thing in life that are boring. Going to work meetings, going to work conferences, being at work, waiting to go home from work… the list goes on. Some people describe this sensation as “boring as batshit,” signifying that batshit holds the upper echelon in the boredom ranks. That’s a big call, considering that there are a great number of things that people might find boring.

My problem is that when you think about it, batshit isn’t that boring. For a start, it comes from bats. Bats are pretty cool; I mean they hang upside down and eat fruit or drink your blood. They use sonar when they fly. They turn into vampires. They fight crime. Batshit can be used as an ingredient in gunpowder.

Let’s compare that to other types of shit:

Birdshit is boring. It’s all over the place and gets stuck to your car.
Dogshit is boring. If you step in it, it gets into the tread on your shoes and you stink.
Catshit is boring. It’s so boring that you make your cat go into another room and shit into a box, that’s how bored by it you are.
Cowshit is boring – it’s big, but otherwise fairly uninteresting.
Peopleshit is commonplace and no one wants to see it.

So the next time you’re sitting around at work and someone says, “Hey man, what did you think of that report?” don’t answer with, “Boring as batshit,” because you’ve since learned that there are many things more boring than the droppings of our flying rodents, so you should say, “It was as boring as the dry birdshit that's on my windscreen, which has been smeared everywhere because I tried to clean it with my windscreen wipers. And FYI, it can’t be used as gunpowder.”

Then you can go and have a coffee.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

My 6:30PM hell

It’s been a harrowing time in Ramsay St of late. Because of the complete retardation of the characters at the moment, Neighbours is even more of a chore than usual. I find myself becoming incredibly frustrated by the pissweak characters and storylines to the point where I look forward to it ending so I can watch The 7PM Project. Yeah. That’s how bad it’s been.

The recent shittiness of Neighbs began with the marriage of Paul and Rebecca. Notwithstanding the fact that their daughter-in-law died the previous week, they were determined to carry on with their nuptials regardless, despite Paul still searching for a best man the morning of the ceremony. After asking his lawyer (Toadie), his doctor (Dr Karl) and a random guy from work (unnamed extra), he finally settled on asking his daughter. Way to prove you’re a popular guy, Paul. I still love you though.

So everything’s going well, the ceremony is without incident, until… Lynne turns up. I fucking hate Lynne. She is just shit. I want to stab her. So she interrupts the wedding and announces that she and Paul are still married. Apparently their divorce wasn’t quite settled, so Lynne’s cunning plan to get some cash from Paul (I’m hoping it’s cash, because if this is her plan to woo him, she’s totally going about it the wrong way) is to turn up in the middle of his wedding and blackmail him until he hands over half of whatever he’s got.

Picking on the owner of a newspaper is a bad idea, because the next day he ran a front-page story with a picture of bag-lady Lynne with the headline “Dirty Whore” (not really, but close). The Erinsborough News is the highest circulating newspaper in existence, by the way. You also don’t need a degree or experience to be a journalist for it, they will run stories purely based on speculation, hearsay, gossip and rumour and the editor also requires a second job as a dishpig at the local cafĂ© to pay her rent.

Anyway, I hate Lynne and I have no idea what’s going on now. The last I heard, she borrowed money from her daughter, bought the house next door to Paul’s place and then fucked off to Scotland or something. I hope she gets eaten by a cow. Moo.

The other major “storyline” in Neighbs at the moment is the shitstorm that is Zeke and Sunny. Zeke has developed OCD, and we know this because he keeps lining up pens and pencils, stacking his fridge in military formations and ensuring the safety of others to the point that he threw out a pair of high-heeled shoes so no-one wore them and broke their ankle. He’s a Samaritan, is our Zeke. A little, retarded, emo-monkey Samaritan. He has also fallen madly in love with Sunny, the most annoying person in the history of the world (yes, Mr Football, even more annoying than Summer). Sunny is just shit.

Sunny arrived in Dr Karl’s house as an exchange student from Korea. Korea is either on another planet, far away from the place we call “Earth,” or is stuck in a time warp and they are still in the 16th Century. Either way, I wish she’d get in her spaceship, make sure her time circuits are working and fuck off back there. She shits me. This week’s in-depth view of Sunny is about the fact that she finds it a natural instinct to literally run away from any problem (real or imagined) that she encounters:

(a) When it was revealed that she had to kiss Zeke in a play, she ran away from school and was about to hop on the next flight back to Korea. Sadly, someone stopped her.

(b) When she had “those” feelings about Zeke, she ran away to hide the fact that she has braces on her teeth and he would not want to kiss her. I’m assuming her plan was to hide for the two years that it is going to take for her to have perfectly straight teeth. Eventually she was talked out of her cave and brought back to civilisation.

(c) When Hot Donna found out that Sunny was writing love poetry to her on behalf of Ringo, she kissed her. Sunny got angry and ran away, screaming and crying that Donna stole her first kiss. It was kind of the way that you’d kiss your granny after she said that she had just given your grandad a blowjob… and he’s been dead since 1986.

(d) When “the gang” were at a music festival in the middle of nowhere and Declan walked in on her and Zeke about to kiss, she yelled at both of them and ran away, to the point of leaving the festival and falling down a cliff. Unfortunately she survived.

(e) When her relationship with Zeke became known to Karl and Susan, she ran away to hide the shame that she brought onto her family. Susan found her (I wouldn’t have bothered looking) and asked if they were “being careful.” Sunny realised that this is parental code for “sex” and ran away again. When found once more, she yelled at Zeke for pressuring her into sex. It was the first time that it had been suggested, and he wasn’t even the one who brought it up.

(f) When her father found out that she was in a relationship, he said that she was no longer allowed to stay in the same house as him. In traditional Sunny form, she ran away until the problem resolved itself by Zeke moving out of his own house to make her more comfortable.

(g) When Hot Donna was organising the school dance, Sunny (who was part of the planning committee) created a petition to NOT have a school dance. Her reason? She doesn’t know how to dance and would have found it embarrassing if someone tried to dance with her. When Hot Donna asked why she was sabotaging the dance, Sunny ran away.

Someone’s obviously found her since then and brought her back into Erinsborough, because she’s still hanging around and uglifying the set. Last thing I saw was her leaving the microphone on during Zeke’s radio show and bagging out Dr Karl on air.

Run, Sunny, run. Don’t ever be found.

In this shot, Sunny is caught between her two favourite past-times: running away and falling over.