Thursday, November 29, 2012

Farewell to a true Aussie legend - thanks for those 9 runs, Rob Quiney

I was *this* close to posting something that wasn’t about sport, but then I read that Ricky T. Ponting is retiring and couldn’t help but jump on the bandwagon.  I’m going to try and run him over in it.  In what?  In the bandwagon.  You know it’s not a real wagon, right?  Then what am I going to do with this horse?

After a cricketing career that has over-stayed its welcome by around 17 years, former Australian Test captain (remember those dark days?) Ricky Ponting announced today the news that the world was waiting to hear:  he is shit and won’t be bothering anyone anymore, particularly the scorers, who he hasn’t bothered for quite some time anyway.  

Congratulations on a fine career, Punter.  I especially enjoyed the part of it when you had a goatee.  

The third Test between Australia and South Africa kicks off tomorrow in Perth, and due to the time difference, it means that everyone else in Australia will still be able to watch the final session when they come home from work.  Bugger it, might as well hit the pub to watch it.  Your shout.

This has been a hotly contested series so far.  Either Australia has put up a way stronger fight than people (me) expected, or South Africa have been a bit shitter than we realised.  The winner of this series will also be crowned “Topsest Cricket Team in the World” so it is a bit surprising that Australia have gone into the series with two specialist fielders in their team in the form of Ponting and Quiney.  South Africa tried to match the amount of useless players allowed on the field by snapping JP Duminy’s leg in an after stumps “accident” and then the selection of Imran Tahir.  Jacques Kallis knocked over Ponting (literally), then got all fat and lazy on himself and tore a bum muscle so he didn’t have to bowl anymore.  Or field.  Or do anything except eat pies and perve on Mike Hussey.  That was you, Mister Evil Breakfast.  Yes.  Yes it was.  

Test cricket at its finest was on display in Adelaide, as the Aussie bowlers tried for the best part of two days to take ten SAFFA wickets.  Well, maybe “tried” is the wrong word to use, especially for Hilfenhaus, but it doesn’t sound right to say “the Aussie bowlers went through the motions for the best part of two days to take ten SAFFA wickets.”  Actually, it does work.  Suck on that, Hilfy.  Pattinson proved again that kids these days are soft, after walking off the field with a side strain.  A side strain?  Fuck mate, just invent a muscle that you can pretend you’ve pulled, don’t give me this side strain bullshit.  Toughen up, princess.

Massive kudos to Faf du Plessis, who officially wins the award for the most awesome name in recent memory after withstanding about sixty overs of boredom from Nathan Lyon.  At one point it looked like Faf was nodding off, but replays showed that he was in fact, ‘just resting his eyes’ and proved to be a fairly large thorn in the Australian team’s side.  On that note, Centrebet is paying 4-1 that Shane Watson will actually be injured by a thorn in his side and will not take part in the third game at all, parking his arse next to Pattinson so they can compare side injuries.  And perve on Mike Hussey.

Australia have upped the useless factor for the deciding match by selecting Mitchell “I thought he was dead too” Johnson to bowl a few wides and no balls, two things that were previously lacking from the Australian bowling attack.  At least the Australian selectors are consistently picking bowlers who cannot take wickets.  That means that Colin Miller might be due for a comeback.

To Perth we go – and even though I’ve been a bit fucking impressed with Australia (except for the obligatory top-order and tail-end collapse and their inability to take wickets), I don’t think their team selection for this game is particularly well-thought out.  If the WACA plays true to its reputation, South Africa’s pace bowlers should dominate, and their batsman will ride the bounce better than ours.  But since Australian pitches are becoming as docile as a goat on Panadeine Forte (trust me, they’re docile), it will become another flat-track battle and be decided by which bowling attack is slightly less shit.  Which will be South Africa. 

Ponting, thanks for all the great memories.  I’ll never forget the time you did… something.  


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