This week, the world woke up to the news that Prince Harry and his missus, model-slash-actor-slash Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle, have decided to "stand down" from royal duties and will instead opt to become "financially independent" and split their time between doing sweet fuck all in England and doing even fucking less in North America.
Obviously this has created quite the panic around the globe, as we try to get used to the idea of a guy who was previously paid millions of pounds to not do anything, who is now going to do nothing and not get paid for it. Personally, I think it's a good thing, as it means I am ever-so-slightly closer to being next in line for the throne; all I really need is a World War to break out exclusively in London, and I'll be posing for my royal portrait by the time My Kitchen Rules is over.
Harry and Meghan's decision to relinquish their duties breaks with royal tradition, I get that. But what exactly has royal tradition brought the world, other than generations of inbreeding and a shit-tin of ponce and ceremony? If we'd stuck with tradition, Henry VIII would probably still be chopping his wives' heads off - instead, ol' Hank 8 created a new religion in which divorce was legal. I'm sure when this was suggested, the Axe and Guillotine Makers Union had a field day in the press too.
This may even start some kind of precedent which forces the stuffy old royal-born paedophiles and lizard-people, and all the other balding ugly buck-toothed swamp donkeys in the palace to safely remove their polo mallets from their silver-lined arseholes and become functioning members of society.
Thanks for your service, Prince Harry. I'll never forget all those times that you did something, which was probably watching a World Cup final for free.
Friday, January 10, 2020
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