If anyone in the NRL wants to fuck up royally and get shit
faced on a massive bender, beat someone up, get caught with a few kilos of
meth, run someone over in their car, headbutt a cop, lose millions at the
casino, cheat on their missus with someone else’s missus who is a transsexual prostitute,
whatever, now is the time to do it because no one gives a shit because it’s
ORIGIN WEEK.
The teams have been named, the squads are in camp, all that’s
left is for the game to actually happen so we can stop anticipating NSW letting
us down and just accept the fact that they did.
The teams:
New South Wales
1. James Tedesco – the most selfish player in the
NRL. Has so few try assists that he
might as well be a halfback for Brisbane.
2. Tom Trbojevic – solid enough, and a good choice despite
the fact that he plays for Manly.
3. Latrell Mitchell – the perennially-young 18-year old
Latrell Mitchell was touted as “not being ready for Origin” despite having
played quite well in the NRL for a few years.
4. James Roberts – comes into the side under an injury
cloud and a history of substance abuse.
Should fit in well.
5. Josh Addo-Carr – Brad Fittler has copied my video game
strategy perfectly; stack the side with speed and just run around everyone.
6. James Maloney – you just have to hate him. Somewhere in amongst the hatred is respect,
but it’s so far down that it’s just another kind of hatred.
7. Nathan Cleary – the future of NSW, just like we said
about the last eighty halfbacks that we tried.
8. David Klemmer – at least he’s not Aaron Woods.
9. Damien Cook – how Robbie Farah kept this guy out of
first grade for so long is just weird.
Turns out he’s really, really good.
10. Reagan Campbell-Gillard – always looks like he’s doing
a lot better than he actually is, but I’m not going to tell him that to his
face.
11. Boyd Cordner (c) – fuck it, he would be the first guy I
didn’t pick.
12. Tyson Frizell – I haven’t really noticed him much this
year to be honest, which probably isn’t a great thing.
13. Jack de Belin – limped off the field in his last game
and looked like he might have to be put down.
Is probably a liability, to be honest.
14. Paul Vaughan – I wish this guy would come back to
Canberra. Hopefully he fucken wrecks
some cunts.
15. Jake Trbojevic – straight from the stables of “ball
playing back rowers” that Manly seem to have an endless supply of, hopefully
will get some decent game time. Will
probably take over Jack de Belin’s spot after his leg falls off in the 3rd
minute.
16. Angus Crichton – Crichto is a future captain. Has had a pretty quiet start to the year, but
also cut his fucking finger off, which equals itself out in my books.
17. Tyrone Peachey – can fill in anywhere in the backline,
which is handy because at least three of those guys aren’t going to make it
through 80 minutes.
18. Tariq Sims – you either "love to hate or
hate to love” this guy. Will end up in
jail at some point during his career.
1. Billy Slater – classic case of a bloke overstaying his
welcome. Has announced his retirement to
ensure that he gets a Channel 9 obituary for Game 3.
2. Valentine Holmes – is only in the team because he can
occasionally kick a ball off a tee.
3. Greg Inglis (c) – has found surprising form this year,
and is the default captain because everyone else is just too shit.
4. Will Chambers – the most forgotten guy in the NRL, I
reckon he could duck off the field most games and grab a hot dog and no one
would even notice.
5. Dane Gagai – has been picked because he was “man of the
series” last year. LAST YEAR. Is taking up valuable real estate out
there. I look forward to him being shit.
6. Cameron Munster – writes cheques his ego can’t cash,
but who the fuck writes cheques anymore?
7. Ben Hunt – started the season as well as anyone could
have hoped for, but a recent drop in form has a few Queenslanders looking
sideways (probably at their attractive sister).
8. Dylan Napa – hahahaha what a pleb. Has played his one good game for the year
already.
9. Andrew McCullough – cheats just as much as Cameron
Smith, but gets away with it a lot less.
Will not be able to organise this rabble like the old bloke would have,
and will be the scapegoat for a series loss.
10. Jarrod Wallace – you know your stocks are short when
you start picking Titans players. I
probably wouldn’t fight him unless I was a bit drunk.
11. Gavin Cooper – has exactly one play in him that
involves taking only short passes if he is close to the line and is passed
exclusively by Johnathan Thurston.
12. Felise Kaufusi – I actually really rate this guy and would
definitely allow him to buy me a beer.
13. Josh McGuire – is the definition of “pretty good”
personified, and will be replaced seamlessly at the drop of a hat.
14. Michael Morgan – probably lucky to be picked on current
form, but has enough experience to ignore the new guys and just play with
Inglis and Munster.
15. Coen Hess – as soon as someone realises that they just
need to tackle him around the legs, Hess’ career will be over.
16. Josh Papalii – was dropped by his club for being a fat,
lazy shit, so his selection in the Queensland squad was inevitable.
17. Jai Arrow – a strange selection, especially off the
bench. He has made a career out of plodding
at one speed and being brain-dead enough to take hits for days, so will have
shit impact as a sub.
Round 13
Manly Sea Eagles vs North QLD Cowboys
Well, at least the Cowboys have been forced to name a
different side to the one that has lost their last billion games. With the loss of their dead-weight “stars”
and a few key players missing from Manly, I’m tipping an upset this week.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Cronulla Sharks
Imagine rating the Sharks so low that you’d bring back
Robbie Farah to play against them. Unfortunately
for the bunnies, the Sharks have been shit enough this year that they haven’t
been that affected by Origin, so unfortunately my tip is going to them.
Parramatta Eels vs Newcastle Knights
Welcome to the weekly episode of “Are You Good Enough to be
a First Grader?” Newy was found out last
week when their game plan of “pass to Ponga” was countered by Cronulla’s plan
of “tackle Ponga.” I think the Knights
will get over a strugglesome Eels side again, but it will be a close one that
is decided by an inexplicable Michael Jennings dropped ball.
Sydney Roosters vs Wests Tigers
Eh, I don’t really care.
Let’s just go Roosters.
NSW vs QLD
I’ve been saying it for years now (but this year I mean it),
and I think the QLD domination period has come to an end. To say that they’ll miss Smith is like saying
that Bryce Cartwright misses tackles. It’s
not just the way that Smith played - by passing to his intended targets and
kicking and running and shit, but the way that he managed the team and controlled
the game. I don’t think QLD have the
ability or the players to cover that, and it’s not because of the team that has
been selected, it’s just because there’s no one else who can do that job, and
the current team needs that structured play.
NSW on the other hand, have never really had it. They’re used to running around like a pack of
fucken idiots, bumping into each other and trying to fart into each other’s
faces. If they can just play out 80
minutes of solid footy on Wednesday, they will go on to win the series. I think Fittler has picked the right half
combination, I think the backline is solid enough and the forwards probably
have the upper-hand in the first time since about 1995. The biggest issue will be getting all players
through the full 80 minutes as there are a couple of princesses in the team who
would love nothing more than to strap an ice-pack to a knee and watch the game
from the sidelines. Actually, I’d love
to do that; my knees are fucking shot.
 |
| Yeah, probably should have retired last year, actually. |
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