Thursday, November 06, 2014

Longer lasting performance

"Hey Phil, could you come over here for a second?"
"I'm coming!"

Phil's premature ejaculation was getting to be a real problem.

Monday, November 03, 2014

Every fucking Monday

I hate it when you're brushing your teeth and somehow you dribble toothpaste and it smears on your shirt, so you wipe it off and everything looks clean again, but then an hour later it looks like you've got a big jizz stain on your shirt.

Friday, October 03, 2014

NRL 2014: The Grand Final

And so it has come to this – sixteen teams entered, one shall leave.  Rabbit v Dog.  In a game where the supporters could provide A Current Affair with stories for a year about welfare cheats and shonky Lebanese builders, the NRL decide that this will be the year that they raise Grand Final ticket prices.  Nicely done, NRL, you cheeky bastards.  I’d buy you a beer for that prank, if they also didn’t cost $12. 

In a real-life situation, you’d probably pick a bulldog to tear apart a rabbit, roll around in its entrails, give it a quick dry-hump (for good measure) and then sleep it off somewhere shady.  Alas, this isn’t a real-life situation, and everyone is still wondering how the fuck the Bulldogs got this far.  They’d lost four out of their last six games, including a spanking from 14th place Titans in the final round of the regular season.  Their five-eighth is borderline retarded, their halfback’s eyes are so close together that there are doubts that there are, in fact, two of them, and they used a 110kg prop as a playmaker for half the season.  Plus, their coach is Des Hasler, who has been stuck in 1982 for the last 30 years.

As a result of the Dogs being so fucking terrible (yet making it this far), the Rabbitohs are about a trillion-to-one favourites to take this game out.  However, 2014 has been the season of upsets (also, the Season of Grubs, the Season of What the Fuck, Raiders? and the Season of Seriously, Sonny Bill Really Isn’t That Good; I Think He’s Playing Well Within Himself So He Stays Fit For His Change To Rugby Union [Again] Before He Comes Back To The NRL And Expects To Just Walk Into Any Fucking Team He Wants For Billions Of Dollars While Phil Gould Fellates Him Three Times A Day.  Trust me, it was a very graphic season) and the Dogs have been kind of dismissed by everyone for this game.  According to pretty much every media article I’ve read this week, the Grand Final is being played by Sam Burgess and Greg Inglis.  If anyone else turns up, it’ll just be a bonus.

Souths should be a bit wary – there’s still a game to be played here, and fuck me if the Bulldogs won’t be digging deep to give 110% so that the boys can receive full credit by sticking to their game plan, and get some go-forward happening, and the backs can build on that.  It’s still a game of two halves, and they need to stick with it for the full 80.  I’d like to thank Channel 9 and KFC.  Shout out to my nan.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs

Look, I’m thinking Souths will win this by about thirty or forty points.  Seriously.  The closest thing they will find to an opposition this weekend will probably be themselves – Sam Burgess is heading back to Pommieland to play union for some fucking stupid reason, and his three giant brothers will be determined to send him out on a winning note.  The problem there is that they all get a bit “dropsy” and “spastic” when they get “determined.” 

This SHOULD be a piss-easy game to pick.  Souths have the better forward pack as well as the better outside backs.  Both teams will lose a whole shit-tin in attack, defence and grubbiness with the loss of both first-choice hookers – Issac Luke through suspension (and how the fuck do you misspell Isaac like that, Issac?), and Michael Ennis through injury (who still has the potential to play, despite reports of having two breaks in his foot). 

If Ennis doesn’t play, it may be the first time ever that there are no hookers at an NRL event.  Eh?  Eh?  See what I did there?  Sex joke.  Always end the season on a winning note, that’s what I always say*.

*I have never said that before.

Thursday, October 02, 2014

Hashtag Canberra Appreciation Month Hashtag Over

Well we’ve had a few days of Canberra sun
The capital declares “Summer’s Begun!”
We fuck off our jumpers and jackets for the year
It’s t-shirts and shorts to meet outside for a beer.

The temperature soars to more than thirteen
And there’s no ice every morning on your car’s windscreen
That you have to scrape off with an old membership card
That I paid $8 for at the Irish Club to sign up for three months - yes I am a retard.

For a whole week the city turns paradise tropical
And Canberra smells like coconut oil
The heaters go off and we dust off our fans
It’s a summertime feel from Dunlop to Banks.

But just as we think we’ve escaped Canberra’s cold
Something occurs to bring us back to the fold
The clouds roll back in and the wind picks back up
And everyone starts thinking, “Now, what the fuck?”

It’s cold again; it’s a Canberra thing
The air con goes out and the heater’s back in
It’s not because of ozone, pollution or driving my car
The weather turns shit for the start of Floriade.

Tulips and ferris wheels bring forth climate change
And Canberra’s spring event is pissed on by rain
Just when you thought, “Yeah, let’s look at flowers!”
You change your mind quickly because of spring showers.

By the end of September, we wait for WIN news
To tell us the stats that we already knew:
"Visitors down, designs rated highly"
Mainly because people voted from O’Reilley’s.

It’s not that Canberrans don’t like a tulip or two
But an annual flower show – is that the best we can do?
If we could focus a bit more on the other shit there
And less on the petals, we might start to care.

There’s music and markets and food and there’s beer
Surely that’s something to promote every year?
I’d brave cold algae winds blowing in off the lake
If it meant I could drink and stick food in face.

Lucky for us there’s another Canberra treat
Luckier still, it’s at the height of our heat
Where we can see mullets and flannies and show off our class

January’s coming, which means Summernats!

Friday, September 26, 2014

NRL 2014 - Semi Final: The AFL Grand Final

My NRL finals tipping hasn’t gone as well as it possibly could have, to the point where I think I’ve only picked one correct game in about a month.  I guess it just goes to show how ordinary the teams really are.

So consider that my NRL tips are all kinds of fucked, let’s give this AFL game a crack.  There’s only one game left – two teams to choose from – can’t be that fucking hard, can it?


Swans vs Hawks

I’ve done a whole shit-tin of research on this game, comparing and contrasting these two teams since their inception into the league in 1734, counted all of their marks, possessions, disposals, inside-50s, goals, penalties and most importantly, I’ve studied their behinds (hehehehe).  The conclusion is that they are decidedly even, with each team kicking a few, missing a bit, catching a couple, not catching it when they probably should have, everyone yelling “BALL!”, some players being allowed to hold other players behind the play a lot more than others, pushing in the back is sometimes legal, sleeves are optional, tatts are not, the video ref is rubbish and there’s a position called back pocket.  That’s where I keep my wallet (and my parking ticket when I go to the multi-storey car park).

I also learned that one of the main players in this game will be superstar Lance “Buddy” Franklin, who left the Hawks last year (maybe the year before), to have wild passionate sex on a $50-note-filled-mattress with supermodel Jacinta Campbell while Leonardo diCaprio draws them “like one of his French girls.”  Fuck it, I’d probably do the same thing.  So if there are any AFL teams out there looking for a skinny 34-year old bloke who hasn’t ever played the game before, I am willing to accept money and supermodels to join your club.  I probably can't kick straight either.   

My super journalistic skills (watching the Today show) have also discerned that the Hawks seem to be banking all of their hope on a bloke called Cyril Rioli rising from his deathbed to play in the game.  At time of last checking (“I wake up with Today!”), Cyril still hadn’t passed or failed his fitness test… so yeah, I don’t really know what else to do with that.  If he doesn’t play, will Hawthorn just forfeit?  Surely they have other players who could strap on some boots, pull their socks up, throw some grass in the air and nail a behind (hehehehe). 

It’s not my fault - the two main players in this game are called Lance and Cyril!  At least tell me that there’s a Tobias and a Sebastian playing as well? 


I couldn’t resist coming back to this one – sorry AFL fans.  What a classic couple of games last week, with 1 point bundling Manly out of the comp (woohoo) to let the Doggies go through (hrrrrm), and the Roosters giving up a 30-point lead to somehow get over the Cowboys (bit of cheating going on, and some Sonny Bill “allowances” from the referees, perhaps) by a field goal as well.  From here on in, a one-point win (the single digit) is now known as the Hopoate.  Kids, ask your parents. 

I think the Roosters looked fucked under pressure last week, and any team that lets a 30-point lead go at any stage of the season should be sent to play French rugby for a while.  I mean, fuck, even the Raiders weren’t that bad.  Sure, they never scored 30 points all year, but still.  My money is on the Rabbits to take the Chooks down – the Roosters have shown on a few occasions this year that they are not an 80-minute team, and will leak like Todd Carney once the game’s momentum has swung.  If the Bunnies can defend for 30 minutes of the first half, the game will be theirs.

And the Doggies taking on the Panthers – fuck me, there’s two teams who I don’t think too many people would have picked to be here at this stage of the season – regardless of who wins (and I hope it’s not Canterbury), I just don’t see either of them with the finesse and class to beat either Souths or the Roosters in next week’s granny.  But we have seen time and time again that teams coming from bum-fuck nowhere to play in the GF have shown guts and determination, and have been under-estimated to upset a more highly-regarded team.  Like the Mighty Ducks, or every single American Football movie ever made.

But that won’t happen this year.  Souths to conquer all, mofos.

Roosters vs Bunnies

Doggies vs Panthers 

Canberra Appreciation Month: No Vacancy

Today’s waltz through the utopia of Canberra actually crosses the border of the ACT and enters Queanbeyan, a feat not achieved by typical Canberrans for several millennia, especially those who live northside.  Excepting, of course, the twice-a-year pilgrimage to the coast.

Queanbeyan is a strange little place – I would describe it to non-Canberrans akin to how Australians view New Zealand; we’re allowed to make fun of the place, but if anyone else does, we’ll beat them to death with thongs, because we secretly love the kiwis… but then I realised that no one in Canberra actually has that affiliation to Quangers, which made me a bit sad.  Until I drive through Q-Town (on my way to the coast), and realise that it is actually just a little bit shit.  So now I don't know how to explain the relationship between Canberra and Queanbeyan other than "Canberrans use Quangers to make themselves feel better about being in Canberra, and Quangers people use Canberra to feel better about being in Quangers" but in total opposite ways.  Canberrans will use the rough-parts of Q-Town (all of it) to say, "Well, at least we don't live there tish pish posh" and Q-bergs will look at the Berra and say, "Well, at least the cardboard box I live in is only twenty minutes down the road from that glory box of a city."  

Trust me, that's how it works.    

The fact that Queanbeyan is a little bit shit makes me wonder… why are there so many fucking hotels and motels in Queanbeyan?  Next time you drive through (on your way to the coast), have a squiz at the buildings – 98% (maths was never my strong point) are either hotels, motels or caravan parks.  Why so many?  Is it for the weary traveller who simply can’t go “another twenty minutes to Canberra for accommodation”?  Is it for the world’s worst travellers (Canberrans) who need to “stop for a bit to avoid driver fatigue” twenty minutes into their trip?  Is it because Queanbeyan has something else going for it that I don’t know about that people need to stay there to witness?  Is it a Queanbeyan joke that they keep these hotels open just to fuck with my head? 

Surely there is no need to have streets upon streets filled with hotels in a town like Queanbeyan; those interested in spending a weekend visiting the printing museum couldn’t possibly fill out all of those rooms?  How do they all stay in business?  How come so many have “No Vacancy” signs out?  WHAT IS YOUR SECRET, QUEANBEYAN?!

Friday, September 19, 2014

NRL 2014 – Finals week 2: A rock and a hard place

This week, the NRL celebrated seven days without any players being arrested, charged, convicted or accused of any illegal activities.  Well done, lads.  You have all dug deep, given 110%, stuck to your game plan, and luckily enough it came off.  Full credit to the police and the general public, but at the end of the day there’s a winner and a loser.  Everyone is looking to the future, but taking it one week at a time.

I don’t know if this sudden turnaround of lack of drink driving allegations, assault and battery charges, possession of drugs and public nudity violations has anything to do with Todd Carney shipping of to France for three years to play rugby with the Catalans team.  Best of luck to the little fuckwit; here’s hoping he enjoys it so much that he stays there.  I am sure that he will fall in love with the culture, history, art and €3 bottles of wine made with 82% ethanol. 

The most controversial thing that happened in league circles that I’m aware of this week was the North Queensland coach, Paul Green, criticising the judiciary for suspending Thor look-alike Tariq Sims for a couple of weeks following a late, high, off-the-ball shoulder charge that left Justin Hodges heavily concussed.  It’s just unbelievable how inconsistent the NRL tribunal is when your player can’t wait until a new financial year before landing a cheap shot to the head of your opponent and not get suspended.  IT’S ANOTHER NRL CONSPIRACY! say the North Queenslanders, which is a feat in itself for them, as “conspiracy” is quite a hard word to say when you don’t have any teeth.

The NRL also announced that soft-cock-rock band Train will be performing at the Grand Final this year.  Another great move, guys - the 14-year old girl and 43-year old housewife demographics have been officially catered for.  To please everyone, they have also organised Slash (of Guns n Roses fame) to knock out some tunes as well.  I'm assuming that a time-machine that takes the stadium back to 1990 will also be involved.


Well last week turned up some clusterfuck performances, amirite?  And by that, I mean the Melbourne Storm.  Good season though, lads.  Make sure the same team turns up next year so you can continue to slide down the ladder.  It’s important not to change anything from the team that won the comp in 2008. 

Roosters vs Cowboys
Manly vs Bulldogs

Despite losing last week to the Panthers (who no one still seems to be taking seriously), the Roosters are still getting the NRL pantheon a bit moist downstairs, as Rabs and Fatty and all those fucking dickwits just keep frothing at the mouth about Sonny fucking Bill Williams, James fucking Maloney, Mitchell fucking Pearce and all of the other fucking fuckwits that didn’t win last week.  Here’s a thought, fellas – maybe you should flick to other sections of your copy of NRL Weekly apart from the centrefold. 

I’m tipping the Cows to beat the Roosters, just because.  I like nothing more than seeing those princesses get beaten by a team that they think they should win against just by turning up.  Maloney’s form this year has been potato as well, so if the North Queenslanders can work out some kind of plan to run at him all night, they should come way with the points.

Manly and the Bulldogs… wow.  This is a hard one to pick, because they’re both a bit rubbish at the moment, and I hate them kind of equally – including the coaches.  On paper, you’d expect a Manly trouncing (and that’s what everyone’s kind of hoping for/expecting), so I’m going with the crowd.  As long as Steve Matai gets suspended or injured (likelihood:  100%) and Brett Stewart makes that face where he thinks he’s just shit himself but is a bit afraid to check (100%) and Geoff Toovey has a massive cry (110%; dig deep, Tooves), I’ll be happy.  I’d also love to see another Bulldogs meltdown led by Josh Reynolds, and maybe some kind of Tony Williams mind-snap where he just starts eating people. 

I fucking love this game.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

"I live in Narrabundah... the good part."

When two Canberrans meet for the first time, they perform a ritual to ascertain just how Canberran the other person is, and whether they are worthy of joining your circle of Canberran friends that you never see. 

The ritual begins by asking “where do you live?”  The response comes back with the appropriate answer, “Kambah,” “Phillip,” “Hawker,” “Gungahlin,” or whichever fucking suburb you live in, and then pause.  The other Canberran will raise their eyebrows in expectation of your next sentence, which will be… “the good part.”  Then you can both relax in your Canberranness, clink your beers together (if you’re having beers, otherwise it might be awkward if you’re at work or at the gym or an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting) and laugh together at being in “the good part” of your chosen suburb. 

You see, Canberra suburbs were designed to incorporate a mix of government housing for the lower-income earners of the world, with a smattering of privately-owned houses.  I think it was some kind of ACT Government initiative to stop poor people from robbing each other, and target the middle class instead.

This is true basically throughout Canberra, with the exception of the suburb of O’Malley. 

The suburb of O’Malley was named after King O’Malley, who was named after the pub in Civic, where I’m assuming he was conceived in the disabled toilets after about twelve pints on a rowdy Friday night.  It has taken this humble beginning to become possibly the weirdest postcode in the Gregory’s street directory.  Sprawling with mansions and adorned by marble, O’Malley gives the impression of what life would be like if God played the Sims and used all of the money cheats. 

O’Malley’s crowning glory, other than it’s endless rabbit warren of streets that lead to bigger and whiter houses, is the view.  If looking over Canberra is your idea of heaven, and let’s be honest, it is, then O’Malley may just be one or two lotto wins away for you.  And you’d better enjoy the view, because there’s fuck all chance of you getting out of the suburb during peak hour, as it exits directly onto one of Canberra’s busiest roads.  A favourite Canberra game is to watch nervous Range Rover and Lexus drivers edge their way onto Hindmarsh Drive as Corollas and Mazda 2s do their best to hit warp speed so they can beat the twelve sets of traffic lights.  In the end, no one wins, but there’s always a good chance you’ll see a P-plater in a Mercedes sideswipe a bus, so that may count for something.  

Needs more pillars

Friday, September 12, 2014

NRL 2014 – Finals series week 1: Fuck off, Brisbane

Ah… welcome to the first round of NRL finals.  What a glorious time in the NRL calendar, especially for Raiders fans since 1994, as it means that we don’t have long to wait until cricket season and there’s a reason to be excited about sport again. 

The last week of the regular season certainly did fuck around with some teams, especially ALL OF THE ONES I TIPPED, as I crashed out to score a grand total of 1 correct game for the round.  I would love to accept the responsibility for such a terrible tipping performance, but really, I have to point a big, fat finger at all of the other teams who lost.  Fucking useless bunch of excuses for football teams.  Go play netball, all of you.  Except Josh Dugan, who put in a great effort in the last round of the season to go out of his way to ignore the “no punching” rule and went to town on some poor dickhead from Newcastle.  With no real consequences (other than sitting out the first few rounds next year, although I have no doubt that Duges would have a “niggling injury” that he picked up in the off-season (gonorrhoea) “trial matches” (team trip to Thailand) that he would be “rested” until round 4 anyway.  So good for him.  Watching him punch on with no regard for the rules was akin to watching a high school kid receive his graduation certificate, punch the teacher who gave it to him and then say, “I cheated on all of my exams,” before doffing his cap and hitting the cask wine under an underpass with his mates.  Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s how Duges did celebrate his graduation from primary school. 

The NRL even managed to get through a Mad Monday with only one story about the Cronulla Sharks getting any media attention, but since the media have been camping out at the Sharkies HQ since March, that’s really no surprise.  So well done everyone on not being arrested for one week in a row. 

Finals Round 1

Manly Sea Eagles v South Sydney Rabbitohs
Sydney Roosters v Penrith Panthers
Nth Queensland Cowboys v Brisbane Broncos
Melbourne Storm v Canterbury Bulldogs

Manly are playing like absolute balls lately, and even though Souths were well off the boil last week, should be able to get out to an eighteen-point lead before giving up thirty in the second half.  Basically because I’d really like to see Brett Stewart cry on the field at full-time. 

I hate to admit it, but the Roosters are looking pretty good at the moment.  Playing well too.  It’s nice of Mitchell fucking Pearce to start playing well; pity he couldn’t have produced this kind of form when he should have, you know, like when he was picked for representative duties.  What a dick.  Honestly.  If he can keep it up (that’s what she said), and Maloney, Reynolds and that other bloke continue to be rubbish, he should walk into NSW camp next year.  And get selected to play Origin as well.  FUCK I AM ON FIRE.  I still think he’s a twat though, and I don’t use the word ‘twat’ freely.

Brisbane don’t deserve to be in the finals and should save themselves the embarrassment of losing really super horrifically badly and just forfeit.  Then Thaiday should retire and join the Footy Show as “that big guy who says funny things but is also remarkably knowledgeable and articulate.”  He could take over Beau Ryan’s role, as “that kind of funny guy whose talent is being spread a bit too thin over way too many things including WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS.” 

And the Storm should be played back into form by the Bulldogs, who have been very entertaining to watch this year, in a Billy Madison kind of way.  If I was Des Hasler, I’d get a haircut, then sack that Reynolds bloke for being the world’s biggest fuckwit.  The Dogs already have a shit reputation for being grubs, cheats, losers, rapists, gangbangers and druggies that they really don’t need this fucking spastic to really ingrain that stereotype.  

I'm not sure who's more embarrassed about sleeping with who in this picture

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Canberra Appreciation Month - September edition

Fuck me in the ear with a Telstra Tower snowglobe, Canberra Appreciation Month finished and I kind of missed the Lake Burley Griffin Party Boat on the whole thing.  I guess that makes sense, seeing as I started it three weeks late and didn’t do anything else.  It wasn’t an oversight though, it’s just a Canberran state of mind – I acknowledged the fact that it was Canberra Appreciation Month, I simply didn’t do anything about it.  Kind of like the Centenary of Canberra celebrations last year – everyone totally knew that there were concerts and exhibitions and attractions and shit going on, but everyone preferred not to attend anything, but loudly complain to everyone that “nothing ever happens in Canberra” when it had finished. 

And it’s not like I don’t have anything interesting to talk about in Canberra - quite the opposite, in fact.  I’m torn for choice about which segment of capital glory to share with everyone over the extended Mister Evil Breakfast Canberra Appreciation Month during September.  You know, because my faithful readers (both of you) fucking love this shit.

Today, we turn our attention to these two lesbians, who grace Canberrans’ earlobes every weekday morning on (apparently) our most popular (only) local FM radio station, FM104.7.

These two women are otherwise known as Scotty and Nige, and when they’re not being Canberra’s only non-sporting celebrities to serve out Big Macs on McHappy Day, they are badly rehashing jokes they read on the internet three weeks ago to entertain the bogan masses on their commute to work with their morning radio show.  I don’t know which one is Scotty and which one is Nige, and I also cannot confirm that they were both born male, although I have it on good authority that the fat one captained a women’s D-grade indoor cricket team a few years ago.

In between playing Harvey Norman ads and that “Happy” song, Scotty and Nige will awkwardly interrupt each other as they stumble over the explanation of the latest “I can has cheezburger” meme that someone emailed them, before giving an on-air plug for ReACT Roofing, throwing to the news and then a commercial for half-price Adam & Eve dildos followed by eight minutes of station promos reminding the listeners that there’s a 40-minute commercial free period coming up after midday.  Then they laugh at their own jokes for a while, play “Happy” again and fuck off to the pub for the day.

What a couple of geniuses.  Fuck em.

Thursday, September 04, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 26: Fuck these Thursday Night Games

Seriously, fuck these Thursday night games.  They fuck up my week (kind of), and I never have the fucking time to get my stupid fucking blog done about it.  Also, work has been busy and I haven’t had time to fuck about.

Stupid fucking Thursday night games.  GO FUCK YOURSELF, THURSDAY NIGHT GAMES, YOU FUCKING FUCKS.  Nice crowds, by the way, dipshits.  You couldn’t pull a crowd with an electric hand-job machine. 

Round 26:

Sydney Roosters vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Melbourne Storm vs Brisbane Broncos
Wests Tigers vs Cronulla Sharks
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Manly Sea Eagles
Newcastle Knights vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Gold Coast Titans vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors

It’s a tipper’s nightmare this weekend, as we head into the final regular round where teams who have no chance of making the finals are playing other teams with no chance of making the finals, and other games where one team might be able to make the finals if they win against a team who can’t as long as every other game goes their way.  How the hell do you try and get a team to play off for the honour of coming either fifteenth or twelfth?  They should all just go to the pub and play drinking games instead.  For most of the games this weekend, it would probably be more entertaining to watch.

My recommendations for this weekend is for Souths to destroy the Roosters, simply because I hate the Roosters – is it just me, or are they becoming the new Manly? – and for Melbourne to get a very unconvincing win against Brisbane.  The Dogs should have no problem in rolling the Titans (although the grub contest between Ennis and Bird will be interesting) and I’m opting for the Warriors (who I have a strange and awesome boner for at the moment) to take advantage of a clearly demoralized Penrith team.  Poor Pennies last week, had the wood over Manly for 79 minutes, but somehow managed to lose.  Good one, Penrith, you had ONE JOB TO DO.  Although maybe I'm being too hard on them - being from Penrith, they aren't used to having a job.

The other game to watch will be Cronulla vs the Tigers; both have been bested by the high-flying Raiders over the last fortnight, and both will be looking to end their season on a high – although the Sharks should probably be doing less things that end on a high, if you know what I mean PAUL GALLEN.  I’m tipping Cronulla, simply because they came within a bee’s dick of beating the Cowboys on Monday night.  It was definitely not a game that made you think “if Cronulla lose this by less than 4, it would be a bookie’s wet dream.  I sure hope none of the players are tanking this match because of any illegal bets being made.” 

The number of players left for Cronulla following injuries, discipline and drug cheating suspensions

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Parramatta Eels

The might of Canberra has done enough to avoid the wooden spoon, and with a win could even end up third last, which would be embarrassing for the Titans – imagine being as bad as Canberra!  However, with a finals berth on the horizon (very distant horizon) for the Parramatta Eels, the blue and golds should have the motivation (not to mention skills, ability, fitness, power and Jarrod Hayne) to get the bickies in this one.  Probably pretty comfortably, too.  The only person who would still really give a shit would be Jarrod Croker, who is somehow sitting pretty near the top of the try and point-scoring ladders in the NRL.  Yes, sportsfans, apparently the Raiders scored tries this year.  

Congrats to Ricky Stuart for breaking a five-year drought of not being able to win twice in a row, congrats to the Raiders for winning at all, congrats to Tom Leahroyd-Lars, who, despite not playing this year at all remained Canberra’s third-highest paid player and then signing with Melbourne for next year, congrats to Reece Robinson who is leaving to learn how to catch, congrats to Anthony Milford for giving us hope and taking it away, congrats to Sam Williams for signing back with the Raiders after a one-year stint elsewhere (great, another promising halfback to ruin next year) and congrats to all of the team for not being as shit as the Sharks.  

Thursday, August 21, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 24: Whoever wins doesn’t lose

Another Thursday night game this week, just to make sure that rugby league audiences are glued to their TVs until after 1am while they wait for the Channel 9 coverage of ads for The Block Glasshouse, brand new episodes of the Big Bang Theory and Australia’s favourite drama, House Husbands, to finish, before the two-and-a-half-hour live broadcast of Erin Molan making unscripted awkward television on the NRL Footy Show begins.

I’ve never watched House Husbands, but based on what I can gather from the ads for it, I’m not missing too much.  It looks like it’s doing its best to break down discrimination against short men dating tall women though, so I guess that’s a good thing… if you’re a short man.  Or a tall woman.  If it keeps Gary Sweet off the streets, it can only be a good thing. 

You could pretty much sit on your couch, watch Channel 9 for five hours and not know one thing about the NRL tonight.  You may have a craving for KFC and a strange desire to put a sneaky $5 on JT to score against the Bunnies.  The coverage of the footy has gone to shit - too many ads, the commentators are crap, the Footy Show is hosted by two blokes who act as if they haven't watched a game since 1987, and they spend most of the game jerking each other off about who loves Jarrod Hayne and Sam Burgess more.  It would make sense if either of those players were participating in the match.       

In things that actually did happen in league this week, ASADA investigations regarding performance-enhancing drug taking at the Cronulla Sharks team amped up this week, with seventeen players fingered (hehehe) by the Drug Squad, including five current Sharkies players.  For fuck’s sake, they’re coming last, I think it’s safe to say that their drugs didn’t work.  If the players are found guilty, they could be suspended for a period of six months to two years… with the start of their ban beginning at the end of this season.  So basically while there’s no sport on, they are banned from playing sport.  Whether they’re also banned from taking better drugs has not been commented on. 

Round 24

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Wests Tigers
Parramatta Eels vs Manly Sea Eagles
Brisbane Broncos vs Newcastle Knights
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
New Zealand Warriors vs Sydney Roosters
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Gold Coast Titans
Penrith Panthers vs Melbourne Storm

A few tricky games to pick in this mix – the Tigers are going about as badly as any team in the history of the game has gone, so I’m anticipating some more tears for them this weekend.  Wayne Bennett teams Brisbane and Newcastle will clash, and despite a late-season run of form from the Knights, I don’t think they’ll be able to keep it up (that’s what she said).  In other news from the Broncos camp, Josh Hoffman was cleared of a broken leg, but will miss three weeks with a sprained ankle.  Ben Barba was also declared dead by the same doctor, but was later found to be “sleeping.”  Nice work, Broncos.

I hate the Roosters, so I’m not tipping them, and the biggest “ah fuck man” game this week for me is Penrith vs Melbourne – the Pennies are doing it well at the moment, but Melbourne have that rare quality that means you can never write them off – cheating – and even though I think it’ll come back to bite me (and receive three weeks at the judiciary), I’m tipping the Storm. 

Game of the Round

 Cronulla Sharks vs Canberra Raiders

All eyes are on the mighty Canberra Raiders for their Canberra Appreciation Month showdown against the Cronulla Sharks, as they battle to stay off the bottom of the ladder.

It has been an interesting week for the Raiders, as under fire coach Ricky Stuart keeps making excuses for his under-performing team, citing that “there are no state or international players” and “Canberra’s a bit shit” and “I have no idea what I’m doing.” 

I haven’t coached a football team before either, Rick, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually your job to get the players to state and international level.  I don’t think Greg Inglis just walked into the first training session at the Melbourne Storm and said, “Hi, I’m a Queensland Origin player.” (basically because he’s from NSW, but we’ll let that slide).  I’m not sure telling your players that they’re not up to scratch is the way to get their confidence up either, especially considering that Papalii is an Origin player, Campese represented NSW and Australia just a few years ago and Milford & Croker were in their respective states’ squads this year, with Shaun Fensom just missing out on rep duties.  On the other hand, the Penrith Panthers don’t have any current rep players in their team either, but they have decided to concentrate on playing football instead of blaming other teams for being better than them. 

Reports are that Terry Campese has been stood down from the club, yet banned from discussing joining another club arose this week.  At this late stage, still no one fucking knows what’s going on, but Campese had this to say a short while ago.  “Yeah, nah.  [Just] looking [forward] you know, to [the] game [and] that, boys have trained [well and] if we [play to our game] plan, dig deep and give [110%], we should come away [with] the points.”

If the story is true, it will be a sad way for Campo to end his career, possibly a bit earlier than he intended, but earning $500,000 to play amateur league probably wouldn’t be too terrible either.  Fuck it, he can have my job and I’ll do his if he’s that upset by it. 

The Raiders are also going to be without Jordan Rapana for the remaining games of the season, who managed to FRACTURE HIS SKULL last week.  Stand-in-captain and retiring prop Brett White was also forced to pull out of the match, while Sharkies hard-man Andrew Fifita broke his arm.  The wooden spoon match could well be determined by whichever team still has a player standing.  And for me, that team will be Canberra.  It’s guaranteed (it’s not).

Thursday, August 14, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 23: The Grubs Don't Work

Are the fans beginning to vote with their bums on the state of the NRL this year?  And by that, I mean by attending games – you know, the whole “bums on seats” analogy.  Crowd sizes are down this year, with the lowest point coming on Monday night’s fiasco between the Roosters and whoever they played.  The Titans.  Yep.  The game itself was described by the media as a “decent game,” although no crowd members were available for comment… because THEY WEREN’T THERE.  There would have been more people selling pies than eating them.  The crowd figure of 4,500 would have been inflated by the number of players and officials who went through the turnstile.  The cheerleaders accounted for about 20% of the attendees.

Why?  Other than the fact that it’s the Roosters vs the Titans, why wouldn’t a top-four team be able to draw a crowd?  Surely there are enough faithful Chooks supporters out there who would be willing to watch “a decent game” of league?

Here’s why:  Monday night football is fucking stupid, no matter where you go or who you play.  Weekday games are never going to work.  It was nice of the NRL to give it a crack for a few years, but I think we can safely say that no one’s interested anymore.  It’s just lucky that this week they’ve deemed it to be a “good idea” to bung a game on Thursday night (that’s tonight).  If the NRL is seriously dedicated to not attracting people to their games, they should put on Tuesday afternoon matches that start at 2:30pm. 

The other reason is that the game is seriously full of dickheads, and no one wants to watch dickheads, regardless of their success.  The Canterbury Doggies are this week’s prime example.  After living la vida loca for most of the year, the wheels have officially come off the Bankstown Bandwagon, and I point a big, fat finger at Josh Reynolds. 

Jeynolds was picked in the NSW Origin team this year, following early success from the Dogs, and the fact that Mitchell Pearce was busy “helping police with their investigations” following an “incident” at a local “nightspot” with a “woman.”  To say that Jeynolds had no impact at all on the game would be going too far – the series was boring in that Paul Gallen and Greg Bird demanded the ball in the middle of the field and refused to pass it.  Queensland, being the inbred simpletons that they are, played a similar game.  I’m not sure why they didn’t, you know, play offense instead of run into a brick wall, but that’s by the by now.  Well done, NSW, you officially bored everyone to death to achieve a series victory. 

Since then, Jeynolds has been shit on stilts.  He was suspended for a shoulder charge following the snoozefest of Origin, and has been severely lacking since his return… until last week’s game against the Broncos, where he was cited twice for tripping and finally sent to the sin bin for a high tackle.  He then went into the naughty corner and continued to channel his frustration at not being good at football through his foot. 

To be fair, it was the best kick he’d landed all night.  #riseforchair

Somehow, the judiciary decided that it wasn’t all that bad, and downgraded his tripping offences to a “grade 2” and so he’ll only miss a ninja turtle handful of games. 

THAT IS FUCKED.  What the fuck is a grade two trip?  What do you need to do to get a grade five charge?  Gaffa tape some steak knives to your shoes?  Dig a small trench in the field and cover it up with leaves?  The less game-time that these fucking blights on sport receive, the better.  Fuck off Reynold, fuck off Ennis, fuck off Cam Smith.  Shut up, Toovey, fuck up Hasler and fuck you Farah.  Eat a dick Burgess (all of them), choke on a dick Hodges and cop a dick Matai. 

Get rid of em and let’s make rugby league interesting again. 

Round 23

Here’s hoping that Souths keep their good form from last week (nicely done, lads) and that the Bulldogs continue their downward spiral to keep the Raiders and the Sharks company at the bottom of the ladder.  I think the Cowbs are showing some of the best form they’ve ever had (like, totes, forever) and at this stage everyone should be all “oh shit man we have to play the Cowboys next Tuesday at 8 in the morning in a Hobart exhibition game and I can’t play because I have a broken… thing… and it hurts and I really don’t want to play because we’ll lose.”  Everyone else is by the books.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Brisbane Broncos
Parramatta Eels vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Melbourne Storm vs Cronulla Sharks
Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters
Newcastle Knights vs New Zealand Warriors
Gold Coast Titans vs Manly Sea Eagles
Penrith Panthers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Lucky Canberra Appreciation Month is back in full-swing with the only game that any of the Raiders players actually wants to win at the moment – the hoodoo of the Dragons being unable to win in Raiders territory, a tradition that has been going on since the dawn of time since 2001 or something. 

If there has ever been a better chance for the Dragons to break the duck, it’s now.  The Raiders are playing rubbish, have a handful of injured players unavailable, and have Ricky Stuart guiding them.  The Dragons are playing moderately well, Benji Marshall is back to his average best, and Josh Dugan has only been arrested twice this month.  So basically, they are decidedly mediocre, which unfortunately for the Green Machine, will still be about 14 points too many.  

"Show me exactly where you touched her."

Canberra Appreciation Month 2014: MEBCAM IS BACK


Here is an ode to Canberra that concentrates on an aspect of Canberra life that apparently doesn't happen anywhere else in the world... 

The mention of Canberra always warms up my soul
Which is pretty handy cos it’s a cold little hole
Especially the temperatures this week, am I right?
It was minus-fucking-eight the other fucking night.

You wake up and greet endless clear skies of blue
And you think of the options for all you can do
Except it’s a “Canberra day” that looks warm enough
But it’s so cold outside that you freeze your dick off

To say Canberra gets cold during the seven winter months 
Would be an understatement and nothing rhymes with months
I really shouldn’t have tried to rhyme something with months
Fucking hell I’ve done it again months months months.

The city is quiet during winter, it’s true
And the reason this happens is Catch twenty-two
The shops shut their doors because there’s no one around
And no one’s around because the shops have closed down.

Everyone complains, “I am fucking frozen!
But it looks like we might be in for some snow soon.”
But don’t get your skis or your snowboards out yet
A snow drop in Canberra is hardly a threat (something about latitude, apparently).

So when the wind's blowing and you’re out in the cold
And you just need some refuge before the frostbite takes hold
There’s a place you can go that's a home to the lost
Mooseheads is there for you, sober or sloshed.

When all other nightlife has succumbed to the air
Mooseheads is open to answer your prayers
Where you could get in a fight or drink a tranquiliser
And all the vodka taste like hand sanitiser.

So it’s cold in the capital; it’s all part of the charm!
A little bit of winter never caused any harm
And it’s always good fun to take note of the weather
To see whether the Berra or Tassie is better.

Friday, August 08, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 22: Three years eh?

Hmmm.  Did you know that at the end of the year,Craig Bellamy will be the only coach in the NRL to have been at the same clubsince 2011?  Did you know that 2011 was only three years ago? 

Here’s a list of other things that happened in 2011:
  • Amy Winehouse died.
  • Charlie Sheen went fucking nuts.
  • Katy Perry and Russell Brand got divorced.
  • There was an earthquake in Japan that fucked up the Fukushima Nuclear Plant.
  • Beyonce got pregnant.
  • The final Harry Potter movie was released.
  • Downton Abbey was popular.
  • Osama bin Laden and Kim Jong-Il died. 
  • That “Occupy Wall Street” movement started.  And ended.
  • NASA concluded its space shuttle program.
  • Manly beat the Warriors in the NRL Grand Final.  Holy shit, I remember that.  Holy shit, I should remember that - it was only three fucking years ago!

It might just be me, but I find it fucking weird that coaches switch clubs more often than Geoff Toovey changes tampons.  If a player had the lack of loyalty that coaches do (Sonny Bill, I’m looking at you, you overrated fuck), the fans wouldn’t have a bar of it.  How then, are the players supposed to play under a different structure, with different ideas, with new teammates and new police officers every few years and still perform to a high standard?  Sure, they should be able to catch a ball, tackle a player and not piss into their own face, but let’s be honest – these are rugby league players we’re dealing with.  It’s all colour and movement to most of these blokes.  And urine. 

Round 22:

I’m opting for the Manly people to beat the South Sydney people, just because I don’t trust Souths at the moment.  This is their chance to impress me.

The Doggies surely have enough spark to get out of their current slump and get up over the Broncos.  Surely they can.  It’s the Broncos!  Piece of piss.

Everyone is still underestimating the Panthers, which is weird, cause they’ve been top of the table for most of the year, and there’s about four rounds to go.  Maybe they’re not as shit as we thought?  (but maybe they are)

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles
Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Newcastle Knights vs Melbourne Storm
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Wests Tigers
St George Illawarra vs Penrith Panthers
New Zealand Warriors vs Cronulla Sharks
Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans

Game of the Round:

Parramatta Eels vs Canberra Raiders

To keep Canberra off the bottom of the ladder, the Sharks need to lose by less than twenty, and the Raiders need to only lost by 30 to remain in second last place.  Yes, that is what it has come down to. 

I was almost going to tip the Raiders (I’d had a bit to drink) and then remembered that they lost three of their best players last week, including the only bloke on the team who knows how to tackle.  If someone doesn’t step up into Fensom’s regular-sized shoe, we’re going to be in trouble.

Fuck it, we’re in trouble anyway.

Even Rugby League computer games know how it feels.  Here is Alan Tongue and Jarrod Croker's love child feeling sad

Friday, August 01, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 21: Apparently I Hate Ricky Stuart

Sorry for the delay in regular posting on here, there were technical issues and general life things getting in the way.  What do you mean “no one noticed”?  I’ll have you know there were at least three people who mentioned “hey Mister Evil Breakfast, where’s your blog this week?” and I can confirm that one of those people weren’t made up.

In any case, we’re up to motherfucking round 21 in the NRL for 2014.  Seriously.  And here’s me just thinking, “It’s ok, there’s still heaps of time to win games and sneak into the finals.”  Apparently there’s not that much time.  And apparently for the Raiders and the Sharks, they just fucking can’t.  It’s officially a battle for the wooden spoon from here on in, which is always fun.  Fuck it, if you can’t win the whole comp, better fight for your life to stay off the very bottom.

To be honest, the Raiders will probably win the coveted last place prize this year, and there would be few to say they don’t deserve it.  Let’s take into account the Cronulla Sharks, who have had a fairly fucking dreadful time of it this year:  they’ve had their coach suspended and every player under suspicion for drug peddling, had no major sponsor, were struck down by injuries as if it were biblical, and then were forced to sack their only good player because he took photos of himself pissing into his own mouth.

Seriously, if a team can cop that and still manage to win a handful of games, they don’t fucking deserve to come last.  The Raiders on the other hand, seem like they’re trying to lose:  they swapped an unsuccessful coach for the MOST unsuccessful coach, bought players that didn’t want to come to the team, held onto players who wanted to leave, were reluctant to rest players who were out of form and kept the one-way road to St George well and truly open. 

I love the Raiders a lot, and will never stop supporting them.  But fucking hell, boys.  You’re making it a bit hard sometimes.  When you drop the ball more times than a team with four Burgesses playing in it, you know something’s not quite right.  When the player who has scored more tries than anyone else in the comp receives the ball four times in the game (and scores on one of those occasions), there’s something wrong.  I would love to say that Ricky Stuart has some work to do in the off-season to get the team prepared for next year, but I don’t know if Ricky actually knows what to do to get a successful team on the field.  His last successful foray in coaching was with the Sydney Roosters back in 2000 and fuck-knows, of a team consisting of Fittler, Fitzgibbon, Fletcher, Minichello, Hodges, Mullins, Cayless, Morley, Crocker and Ricketson.  It probably wasn’t the hardest team to get across the line, just quietly.  Then he was given charge of the Australian team, who quickly and unceremoniously relinquished their kung-fu grip on the Rugby League World Cup for the first time since kung-fu grip was a thing.  Maybe any win he actually has is just a massive fluke?

It has been a while since back-to-back wins for Sticky Stuart

Ok, I’ve had a drink and I’m calm again now. 

In other news, NRL super commentator Ray “Rabs” Warren has just released his autobiography, and in keeping to strict Channel 9 protocol, has managed to do some cross classic promotion.  You can buy “The Voice” fromany Westfield shopping centre that the Voice contestants might be appearing at.  It is yet to be announced whether you get free KFC or a Big Bang Theory DVD with each purchase, so tune into this week's Block reveal for further details.  

On the field, the Broncos have finally almost declared that their collection of fullbacks is nearly complete, as the 2015 roster has no less than four already on the books.  Next year will see Ben Barba, Josh Hoffman, Anthony Milford and UK Super League recruit Greg Eden line up in the number one jersey, with Darius Boyd looking to make it a classic five-man effort as he tries to follow coach Wayne Bennett after announcing that he’s dropping a struggling Knights team to pick up a slightly-less-struggling Broncos outfit.  Bennett’s next plan will be to sign at least one forward.

Round 21:

Two scratchers this week – I’m tipping St George to upset the Roosters, who are playing as if they want to move to Canberra at the moment.  If they keep losing to shit-house teams, they might just find Ricky Stuart back at training. 

The other “hmmm” game for me is the Sharks vs the Eels, but that’s probably because I keep thinking that the battle between Jarryd Hayne and Andrew Ettinsghausen will be worth the price of admission alone, before I realise that ET probably retired before Hayne was born.  Just ignore me, it’s been a long week.

Sydney Roosters vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Gold Coast Titans
Cronulla Sharks vs Parramatta Eels
Manly Sea Eagles vs Brisbane Broncos
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Penrith Panthers
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Newcastle Knights
Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs New Zealand Warriors

The Warriors will reportedly be without my current man-crush Shaun Johnson, which has given Canberra fans the hope that they might not lost by quite as much this time.  The last time these two teams played, the Kiwis notched up a half-century, and I hate to say that I don’t expect it to be too much different this weekend.

Sorry Raiders.  You know I love you.  

Friday, July 18, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 19: Thorpedoed

In typical fashion, I tipped a full round last week… and forgot to post a blog with my predictions and hilarious insights into the world. 

In a nutshell, the last fortnight has entailed:
The Sharks beat the Roosters, Lote Tuquiri was one of Souths best players, Josh Papali threw a bottle ofmoisturising lotion at some bloke, Darius Boyd cemented the notion that league players are all fucking idiots, the Wolfman has been banned from playing for tipping himself (plus he would’ve lost a couple of bucks on a wasted bet), the Warriors pushed in a scrum and scored, and Wayne Bennett has decided that he doesn’t want to coach a team whose average age is older than him. 

There was also a great example of "what the fuck am I going to do now?" from outside the world of rugby league, yet I think that many of our boofheaded heroes can learn from. Ian Thorpe, former Aussie swimming champion has clarified what everyone in the whole world ever suspected, and cares fuck all about, in that he is indeed gay.  I’m not sure whether it was the fact that Thorpie was never seen with women during his swimming career or that he opted to go into designing pearl necklaces (hehehe), but I just don’t really think anyone cares who an ex-swimmer is knocking flippers with anyway. 

To me, it’s a desperate act for Ian Thorpe to remain relevant, and he did it in a dick way, by going to the most popular and most-watched (and probably highest paying) interviewer, Michael Parkinson.  What’s up, Thorpie, isn’t Ray Martin good enough?  Karl Stefanovic?  That chick off 60 Minutes?

Personally, I’ve never liked Ian Thorpe.  I didn’t like him when he was swimming, I didn’t like him when he wasn’t, I didn’t like him when he wasn’t gay and I don’t like him now that he is.  He just seems like a tool.  Yes, the bloke can tread water like a boss, but I don’t think that’s much of a substitute for personality.  He tried to host a shithouse tv show, tried to make a swimming comeback, tried to be the people’s champion again, and it didn’t work.  Maybe he didn’t quite realise that staring at a black line on the bottom of a pool can only get you so far, especially to the fickle Australian sporting community.  Once your use-by date is gone, you get chucked out with the rest of the old vegetables and empty milk containers. 

What Thorpie really needed to do was to line something up for his post-swimming life.  A job.  An education.  A personality.  Fuck it, if that Hackett dickhead can get a gig hosting Wide World of Sports every Sunday, and faffing off around the world to commentate on swimming meets, then surely there’s something out there for Thorpie to do, other than his current occupation, which is TO BE GAY. 

It’s something that every pro athlete in Australia needs to think about.  Once you hit that magic age where your injuries don’t heal as well, your technique starts to falter, or you just get plain tired, you need a Plan B.  There’s only so long that the public will want to see you, so there’s only so long that your sponsors will want you to be seen with them. 

Good luck with the next month of interviews for Women’s Day and New Idea.  Hope you invest the cash well so we don’t need to see you in a see-through fluoro string vest at Mardi Gras.

 I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

Round 19

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
Parramatta Eels vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Sydney Roosters vs Penrith Panthers
Melbourne Storm vs Canberra Raiders
Brisbane Broncos vs New Zealand Warriors
Newcastle Knights vs Gold Coast Titans
Wests Tigers vs Canterbury Bulldogs
St George Illawarra Dragons vs Manly Sea Eagles

Friday, July 04, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 17: Back to normal

After a tumultuous week for rugby league which saw Todd Carney pissing metaphorically over his career and literally over his face, State of Origin has reared its head for the third time this year and to restore some pride and respectability back to the sport.  

Queensland player Will Chambers is facing assault charges following an incident at a nightclub on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.

I knew I could rely on the NRL to provide me with something to write about.  I'm not sure if it's the assault charge or the fact that the players were in a nightclub on a Tuesday that impresses me more.  QLD coach Mal "That's Big Mal To You" Meninga has stated that investigations into the incident won't have an effect on training or the players, which is probably true, as they're all probably used to "helping police with their enquiries" by now.

The NRL then went out of its way to announce that they were investigating pretty much the entire league regarding illegal betting.  Not like betting on cock fighting; more like betting on the games that they were playing in.  Placing bets like "I bet there will be a field goal in this game" and "I bet Shaun Kenny-Dowell will have a shit match."  Could be interesting to see who gets "rested" from their games in the upcoming weeks.  "I bet that Cameron Smith will be rested for quite some time" is paying $2.    

Round 17

The NRL are a bunch of fucking fucktards who think they're so fucking clever by putting on what will probably be a Grand Final preview with the Doggies taking on the Manlies... only they've scheduled it during  the Origin period where neither of the teams good players will be actually taking the field.  It makes the fans feel like they're getting a good match, but they're really, really not.  It's about time that the NRL started giving the fans what they want, not what the NRL wants the fans to want.  Things like Justice Crew and The Voice contestants.  Even the fact that the national anthem is always sung by some dickhead who just happens to be appearing in a musical that's touring the country and has been "receiving reviews".  We're sick of the constant fucking advertising.  

Anyway.  Onto the  games.

The dickhead Dogs will lose, because their worst players are worse than Manly's worst (and that's saying something).  The Cowboys will lost because they travel worse than Schapelle Corby.  The Sharks will lose, because, you know, they're the Sharks (you should feel bad, Broncos).  The Tigers will lose because the Panthers won't, and the Titans will lose because that's just how they roll. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs North Queensland Cowboys          
Sydney Roosters vs Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks      
Wests Tigers vs Penrith Panthers       
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Gold Coast Titans

Greg Bird and Luke Lewis bring the manliness back to rugby league with a game of slap n tickle

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Todd Carney - Urethra dickhead or sick, but urine some trouble

The story on everyone’s lips mind this week is the sacking of Todd Carney by the Cronulla Sharks, following a photo on social media that went viral, depicting young Toddles pissing into his own mouth. 

Joey Johns, a rugby league immortal, one of the world’s sharpest minds and a confessed drug user throughout his career, doesn’t understand why Carney was sacked, saying, “He isn’t hurting anyone else.  It’s stupid, but it’s harmless.”  Johns also doesn’t understand where the sun goes at night, or how to make those “bunny ears” that keep his shoelaces tied up.

Carney’s manager, David Riolo, has complained that Carney didn’t have a chance to defend himself before the Sharks CEO cut him loose.  Normally, I wouldn’t give a fuck about anything that Toddles has to say about anything, but I would buy a ticket to listen to him try and explain this one. 

“It’s a set-up, like when people stand in front of the Leaning Tower of Pisa,” Riolo told radio station 2UE.  It’s very much like that, except completely different, as one involves people standing in front of a leaning building, and the other has a grown man urinating into his own face.

Is Carney’s sacking due to other misdemeanours since he’s been at the Sharks?  Not according to manager man Riolo. “There’s been no serious allegations that I’m aware of that have come across my desk in writing,” he said. “I get 1000 emails every time Todd steps out.”  Just quietly, I reckon Riolo’s email database takes up eighteen warehouses.

Other dickheads have come out and blasted the photographer, one Mick Robinson, a “mate” of Carney’s who took the photo without Todd realising, sent it to his brother, who then lost his phone at the greyhounds which some unknown champion found, unlocked, scrolled through the photos and posted that picture on social media.  It’s all making sense now. 

I’m just going out on a limb here, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think that Carney would piss into his own mouth unless it was being photographed.  You know, for posterity, so he can look back when he’s older, perhaps with some grandkids on his knee, and reminisce about the time he drank his own wee.  Carney himself has stated, “It was just a prank, the boys have seen me doing it before.”  I'm not sure if admitting to doing this multiple times makes it any better, to be honest, just like the time he pissed on a bloke at a Canberra pub, drove his car into a mobile phone shop in Goulburn or set fire to someone else on New Years in Sydney.     

Mick Robinson, by the way, will be relieving “Joe the Cameraman” at Channel 9 next week in his role as “sport star scapegoat.” 

I'm glad to see that Fox Sports keeps it as professional as I do

The Sharks made a controversial decision to sack Carney; drinking your own piss isn’t illegal; being a fuckwit isn’t illegal; having your photo taken being a fuckwit and drinking your own piss isn’t illegal - so why should he lose his job?  If Frank the butcher was caught pissing in his own face, would he get sacked?  Maybe not, but I doubt that many people would be buying their sausages from him once they saw the photo.

The point is that Toddles is earning $650,000 per season to play football.  That’s a fucking dump-truck of money by anyone’s standards.  He plays for 80 minutes per week, and trains for two or three hours a day, maybe four times a week.  Other people would call this “going to the gym for a bit” and pay through the dick for the privilege.  Carney has also been injured for the last two months and has played maybe 120 minutes of football in six weeks.  For a guy who is constantly injured, whose name doesn’t get mentioned for representative honours, whose team isn’t winning, fuck it, they’re not even sponsored, but is still pulling in $650k per year, he needs this smack in the face. 

Is his career over?  Possibly.  But probably not.  He might fuck off to the Super League in the UK (last time he tried this, his visa was rejected due to his criminal record), or he might fuck off to France, who will pretty much sign anyone.  More likely, he’ll fuck about in Australia until he fulfils whatever rehab nonsense he pretends to go to and then gets picked up by the Cowboys, Warriors or Storm – probably for about $500,000 a year – so he’ll learn absolutely nothing from being sacked by the third club that he’s played for, and carry on as if nothing happened until in another two years, we’ll be back right here again.  

People have also drawn parallels with the trials and tribulations of my other favourite fuckwit, Robert Lui, who was let go by the Wests Tigers after he was found guilty of assaulting his pregnant girlfriend on numerous occasions, only to suffer the indignity of paying a $2000 fine (seriously) before getting snapped up by the Cowboys for a two-year contract for the meagre sum of $180,000 per season.  Good ol' Robbie unfortunately spent the best part of one of those years on the sidelines following injury, lack of fitness and the small matter of ANOTHER FUCKING ASSAULT CHARGE ON HIS GIRLFRIEND.

We also have the cases of Greg Bird (smashing a schooner glass over his girlfriend's head), Nate Myles shitting in the corridor of his hotel after a night out, Billy Slater punching a bloke in an English pub, Anthony Watmough, Mitchell Pearce touching up a woman in a nightclub, Blake Ferguson's sexual assault, every fucking next guy drink driving... 

It might just be a case of "bad timing, Toddles" as the NRL rap sheet starts to reach biblical proportions, and that might have been how the Sharkies saw it too.  Make an example out of this bloke and send the message through to every fuckwit out there that it doesn't matter if you've won a premiership, scored the Dally M, represented your state and your country, that you can't just go around being a dickhead without facing some consequences.  Each club can do what they want with the dickwits that continually fuck up, and this is what Cronulla have done.  In my opinion, it's what the Cowboys should have done too.  They probably should have also had second thoughts about Lui's comeback game being the designated "Women in League" round, but I'll leave that up to the stellar people at the North Queensland marketing department.  I don't know how we got to the point where the punishment for ongoing violent crimes was a trip to a tropical paradise and given hundreds of thousands of dollars, but I don't know if it's much of a deterrent.     

There's um... something on your chin.

What should be done with ol’ Todd Carney?  Shooting him into orbit was my first thought... but before we find out exactly what happens when a person is launched beyond the stratosphere, we should actually look to the future a bit more seriously.  I think it's safe to say that there’s not a whole lot going on behind those squinty eyes of his, so playing footy is pretty much all he has going for him.  His track record shows that he obviously doesn’t appreciate the position that he’s in or the money that he earns, so let's take that away from him.  If someone is seriously desperate to sign him, then put him on a contract for $80,000.  Enforce a mental health assessment to see why his mentality got stuck at 15 years old.  His new club could become a trailblazer in actually trying to rehabilitate people, and not pretend that they have “overcome their demons” simply because you need them to play against the Bulldogs next weekend.  Carney also needs to actually want to accept support, want to keep playing and want to stop fart-arsing around.  He needs to learn from his mistakes – mistakes that have so far cost him literally millions of dollars.  If he doesn't want to change, learn or improve, then it's up to the team management to deal with that and understand that he is a risk and accept the fact that he will most likely drag himself, the club and his team mates through a fair amount of shit (possibly literally).  Again, he hasn't broken the law or hurt anyone.  If he can stick to that, he might have a future.  

Unless, of course, that Carney's firing wasn’t entirely unplanned, and it was all part of his brilliant scheme to escape the ongoing drug investigations at Cronulla HQ.  Maybe Todd felt the need to uh… evacuate the premises, so to speak. 

In terms of the Sharks' reaction to all of this, Carney’s Cronulla team-mates are full of support for the “fallen angel” but split as to whether he’s a massive twat who deserved to be fired.  One report claims that they enforced a media silence as they rallied around him by stating “Sharks players started arriving at Remondis Stadium from 8am and were tight-lipped as they entered the ground.”  I’m not surprised - I’d be tight-lipped around Carney as well.  He has exceptional aim.