Friday, April 30, 2010

NRL Round Eight: Ignore my iambic pentameter please.

Jarrod Sammut isn't playing in the NRL this year after being poached by the New Zealand Ballet

In the interest of keeping tipping fresh and hilarious (and I’m bored and don’t want to do work today), this week I am going to write my tips in limerick form.

Broncos vs Knights
The Broncs and the Knights both suck,
Two teams who are down on their luck,
They can’t pass nor catch
Who will win this match?
Honestly I don’t give a fuck.
(but for the record, I’m tipping Brisbane)

Eels vs Bulldogs
There once was a man named Hayne,
Who last year was top of his game.
But his form is down
The Mayor of Struggletown
But I’m tipping the Eels all the same.

Warriors vs Raiders
They’re bad and mean
The Green Machine.
At least the first line is right
But on Saturday night
They’ll be back in the winning routine.

Titans vs Panthers
Both teams are, to be perfectly Francis,
Playing out of their skin
I’m tipping Panthers to win.
Hold me closer, tiny dancer.

Cowboys vs Storm
The Storm are playing for pride
And the Cows are just along for the ride
Will Thurston’s facial hair
Inspire the Queensland flair?
My tip is Melbs to take this in their stride.

Dragons vs Sharks
Nothing much rhymes with Dragons
Which is a problem, because I used the word “Dragons”
As the first line
In this rhyme
Which means the second and last line also have to rhyme with Dragons.

Tigers vs Roosters
There once was a guy from Easts
Who pissed on another guy’s feet
He ran from the cops
And broke into a shop
And set fire to someone's arse on NYE.
(Go Tigers, but my tip is for the Roosters)

Rabbits vs Manly
Last week, South Sydney were down
Until half-time turned them around,
Manly lost fightin’
To a clash of the Titans
This one is game of the round.
(Go Souths).

I’m not going to do that again.

Boom shake shake shake the room – tip tip tip tip Boom.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

my essay

wun day many weaks ago i played hockey and had beer and then i say to my freinds "i have to go home now" and i got in my car and on the way home i stoped to buy some bred and some milk for some milk sammiches and then i thort "i should buy more beer to have at home" so i bought a six pack of beer to have at home and the girl at the register piched up the bred and scanned it and then she picked up the milk and scaned it and then piked up the six pack and she scanned it but she did'nt scann the six-pack barcode she only scanned a single beer that was in the six-pack and then she said "that will be $9 please" and i says "oh that is cheap here is $10" and she gives me a dollar change and she coold tell that somethink was wrong but when she looked at the receet it said ‘bred and milk and beer’ and then she lookt inside the bag and it had bred and milk and beer in it so she gave it to me and i walked out of the shops and i was happy that i only spent a few dollars on six beers and i didn’t mind that she put them all in the same bag and even though the bred was a little squashed it was the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Round 7: Magic Eight Ball Magic

Tipping made easy

Last week’s tips didn’t quite all work out as well as I would have liked them to. The Raiders were only 30 points away from causing an upset, the Storm were too busy thinking of ways to spend an extra $700,000 to realise they had a game to play, and the Rabbitohs decided to go back to being shit. This week though, it’s serious. There’s pride and guts and balls and other shit on the line here. I’m so serious about this week that I’m trusting my Magic Eight Ball to come up with the winners.

Bulldogs vs Broncos
“Will the Bulldogs beat the Broncos?” My Magic Eight Ball has declared this one as “Hazy, please ask again later.” I’m on a tight schedule here, so I asked it again immediately. “It is so.” Can’t argue with that. Doggies by a dozen. A good start by the Ball.

Cowboys vs Eels
"Will the Eels beat the Cowboys?" I ask the Ball. “Don’t count on it,” is the reply. I feel bad for going against the Ball, but I'm going to anyway. Fucking Cowboys.

Panthers vs Tigers
This should actually be a good game. I asked the Ball whether it would be, but it said that it was unlikely. That’s a shame; they’re both playing good footy right now. “Should I tip the Panthers?” I ask the Ball. “My sources say no,” is the reply. Fuck it; I have a feeling about them, so there’s my tip.

Sharks vs Knights
I’m going out on a limb and saying that the Knights will thump the Sharkies… but let’s see what the higher forces say: “Will the Knights win?” “Cannot predict now.” “How about now?” “I predict no.” I reckon this Ball is a bit fucked, actually. This was a bad idea. I’m tipping the Knights.

Raiders vs Rabbitohs
The Raiders and the Rabbits - two teams who put on a great display of sucking last week. Who will pull it back together in time for this clash? “Raiders?” I ask. “It is certain,” says the Ball. I’d better double check this result, so I ask it, “Rabbits?” “Outlook good,” says the Ball. Fuck you, Ball, you fucking fence-sitting fuck. Raiders for me.

Dragons vs Roosters
“Is Todd Carney a fuckbag?” I ask the Ball, more for shits and giggles than anything. “Ask again later,” is the response. I’m beginning to hate the Ball. “Will the Dragons win?” I ask it. “Better not tell you now.” Now would actually be a good time, francisly speaking. “Should I tip the Roosters?” “Yes, definitely.” I think the Ball is now playing with my emotions. I’m tipping St George. This experiment hasn’t really worked.

Storm vs Warriors
Ok Ball, let’s try again. “Storm to win?” “Reply hazy, try again.” Things are very hazy in there indeed, it seems. I give the Ball a quick polish and ask, “Are you still hazy?” “As I see it, yes.” I could be waiting a while for this thing to unhaze itself, so I’m just going to tip the Storm and be done with it. To hell with their salary cap shenanigans, I reckon they’re going to be fairly pissed off. I almost feel sorry for our Kiwi cousins.

Manly vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Sea Eagles. This game could also be a decent contest, if Manly’s form last week can stick around. What do you think, Mr Ball? “Yes, definitely.” Well that’s just lovely. “Do you think the Titans will win?” “Outlook not so good.” Finally a good call from the Ball. However, I am going to tip the upset and go for the Titans. Sorry Ball.

Should I have put more faith in the Ball? “My sources say no.” Awesome.

Tip tip hooray!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Here fishy fishy fishy

Ah Australia. We are fairly blase about the dangers that our wildlife offer sometimes. So much so that when a certain species of fish who eats snakes, birds and rodents, loves the shit out of blood and can grow to a metre long, pings over here from Papua New Guinea, they are declared a “pest.” According to the Animals and Shit in Australia Scale which I just invented, this puts them on the same level as mosquitoes, cane toads and Daryl Somers. "Fishzilla" as it has been dubbed by some champion of the media, can live in poor environments, which makes them quite suitable to thrive in Queensland. They have also been known to walk on land, incidentally putting them above many people in Queensland.

Honestly, when a flesh-eating fish arrives in our waters and we dismiss it as a ‘pest’, perhaps it’s time to have a good, hard look at just how awesome we are.

Damn pesky fish

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Round Six: When Foot Meets Ball

After five rounds of league, we’re starting to see which teams are actually any good, and which ones are filled with players who are waiting to finish their contract so they can be bought by a better club for more money and not get injured. And then there’s the Sharks, who are like the Little Red Engine Who Could’s retarded cousin the Little Red Engine Who Couldn’t. I’d feel sorry for the Sharks if they didn’t deserve being hated.

Tigers vs Bulldogs
I don’t think anyone in the world should need to consult the Magic Eight Ball for this puppy – the Tigers should quite comfortably desmolish the Doggies by around twelve billion points. If the Dogs get close at all, Benji Marshall will lock the brakes on Kimmorley’s wheelchair and put an end to any thought of a resurgence.

Titans vs Dragons
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Dragons, which is one of a few decent games this weekend. This is a tough game for me to pick, because I hate both of these teams quite a lot. But I hate the Titans more, and I also think that the Dragons are a better team. That wasn’t that hard at all, actually.

Knights vs Cowboys
Hurm. One of the most overrated players in history is coming back for the Knights this week (Gidley), while an equally overrated (but also slightly more talented) player in Thurston is out for the Cowboys. Gidley reckons he should be picked as captain for the NSW State of Origin team; personally, I’d like him to play a game before big-noting himself too much. I wouldn’t even pick him as the kid who runs the team out for the kick-off. Um… I’ll tip the Cowboys. I don’t know why.

Roosters vs Raiders
Raiders fans will be salivating at the thought of this game, as bad-boy Todd Carney faces up against his old team for the first time. Hopefully Josh Dugan will piss on his face in backplay at some stage. The Chooks have no chance (NO CHANCE) against a red-hot Canberra outfit (they do, but I’m not fucking picking them)

Warriors vs Panthers
“The Warriors show great potential, but need to concentrate more. They are easily distracted and lack direction, and their results often show this. When they apply themselves to task, they excel in their work, as seen in their previous game.”
“The Panthers have shown themselves to be a dutiful team this year, quietly achieving good results with a minimum of fuss. With further encouragement, the Panthers could become Chief Justices of the Supreme Court.”

Broncos vs Sharks
Oh god, who cares? No one, that’s who.

Eels vs Rabbits
The Eels are playing terribly badly at the moment. They reckon they’ve fixed this problem by making Nathan Hindmarsh co-captain with Nathan Cayless. I’m not entirely convinced that picking captains just because their name is Nathan is going to help anyone, but I’m willing to be proven wrong. I’m sticking with the Wabbits though.

Storm vs Manly
Neither of these teams are setting the world on fire this year, despite the Storm dropping their first game last week. To be perfectly francis, I’d like to set both of these teams on fire. But if that doesn't happen (I'm busy this weekend), Jamie Lyon coming in for the Sea Eagles will no doubt have a major influence on Manly's ability to lose the game. I’m picking the Storm, unless Billy Slater’s metamorphosis into becoming a rat finishes – in which case he will be busy teaching ninjitsu to some turtles in a sewer and will no doubt be unavailable for the game.

The transformation is almost complete

Time keeps on tipping, tipping, tipping into the future.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Round 5: Turning points

I'm pretty sure this kick isn't going where he intended it to

There comes a time in every celebrity tipster’s life (I use both the words ‘celebrity’ and ‘tipster’ fairly loosely) where he must wonder why on earth he even thinks about trying to pick a winner in rugby league. Let it be known that Round 4 of 2010 will go down in history as “a shit week” for everyone (I also use the term ‘everyone’ fairly loosely), and Round 5 will be “redemption.”

Dragons vs Broncos
The Brisbanes aren’t travelling too well this year, which is great to see. As long as someone’s keeping the Raiders off the bottom of the ladder, I’m happy. I don’t care who it is, really. St George should win this by at least 8,000,000 points, unless the football gods play another prank on us this week.

Titans vs Storm
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Storm. The Titans will be buoyed by the fact that a movie called “Clash of the Titans” opened for them this week, but perturbed that it’s not very good. The Storm will be buoyed by the fact that they are a much better football team than the Titans and this should prove to be a more considerable advantage in winning the match.

Rabbits vs Knights
According to Centrebet, the Knights are at $2.75 to win. It wouldn’t be the most ridiculous way to spend $10. But I’m still tipping the Bunnies; I think they’ve just started to hit their straps. They might also be buoyed by the fact that their owner/saviour/secret lover Russell Crowe is Robin Hood. I know that would buoy me. I’m using the word ‘buoyed’ a lot today.

Bulldogs vs Warriors
Seriously, both of these teams can go and get fucked. They play well, they play shit, they play mediocre. I can’t keep up. Fuck them both in the ear. Flip a coin. Warriors are paying $3.15. That’s not bad actually. Save your $10 from the Bunnies game (above) and spend it on the Kiwis instead.

Cowboys vs Tigers
It was nice of the Tigers to turn up in the second half last weekend and ruin my day. Despite that, I’m going for the Tigers to win again; I have a gut feeling. I’ve also had three coffees today and am feeling a bit squishy in the stomach which might have something to do with it, but I’ll trust it anyway. Also, I don’t like the Cowboys on general principle.

Manly vs Sharks
Hmmm. Sharks are paying $3.70. You could take your $10 from the NZ vs Dogs game and put it on them instead, as they might just spring another surprise this week after notching their first win against Parramatta. But Manly SHOULD win this one, if the law according to Des Hasler goes to plan. Coach Des is the absolute epitome of why everyone hates Manly. One-eyed arrogant prick.

Panthers vs Roosters
There’s been an awful lot of hype about the Chooks lately – and good hype, not the kind they’re used to – and not much about the Panthers. I don’t really know if that will have much of an impact on the game, but it sounds like a nice introduction into ‘underdog status’ and phrases like ‘playing to prove a point.’ I’ll leave that up to the paid journalists though. I’ll tip the Roosters this week.

Eels vs Raiders
The Eels are paying $1.35 and the mighty fucking Canberra motherfucking Raiders are $3.30. Take the $10 you were going to spend on the Manly game and put it on the Green Machine. I’d really enjoy it if the same Parramatta who got smoked by the Sharks last week turn up again. I’d also like it if the same Raiders outfit who smashed the Tigers in the first half last week turned up again. And if Rachel McAdams and Natalie Portman wanted to come around and play Nintendo with me, that would be nice too.

Tip me over, pour me a stout.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

You can find the perfect blend

If anyone is still wondering how Paul Robinson keeps on getting laid regardless of how much of a prick he is, this picture explains all.

It has been way too long since a Neighbours update, and Ramsay Street is fucking BUZZING. If I knew more about computers, I’d get the word ‘buzzing’ to shake and shit, but I only just learnt what a bit-torrent was the other night, so I’m going to cut my losses and thank Jeebus that I’ve somehow managed to log onto my Googleblog.

Anyway. Neighbours. BUZZING. Let’s see what’s making news in Erinsborough.

Breaking news:
Corey Worthington eat your heart out: Police were called to the home of Steph Scully a few nights ago when a party thrown for the sometimes-Scottish-son of Paul Robinson got out of hand after sometimes-Scottish-son posted the party details on popular networking site Facebook. The reason for the party is unknown, as sometimes-Scottish-son is currently laying low after causing Robinson’s hotel millions of dollars in damage. There were also reports that someone vomited in the bathroom, possibly due to an overdose of potato chips and lemonade, as no persons at the party were witnessed to be drinking alcohol.

Tens of dollars worth of damage: A one-man rampage swept through Ramsay Street when the sometimes-Scottish-son of Paul Robinson smashed pot plants and knocked over wheelie bins. Unfortunately, it was bin night and everyone’s rubbish receptacles were full, causing milk cartons and at least one newspaper to spill onto the road. Sometimes-Scottish-son later apologised for the act, saying that he had been "tipped over the edge" after having called his mother in Sydney earlier to ask to come home, and being denied. Sources close to sometimes-Scottish-son's mother claim that she runs a successful pot plant store, and having him nearby may provide too much temptation for his violent tendancies.

Love nest: A mere seventeen seconds after losing his wife to a brain embolism following a horrific car crash, Declan Napier’s love life has definitely improved and he has officially ‘moved on,’ according to sources. Kate Ramsay (not a made-up name, apparently) has been seen sharing very awkward kisses with the handsome father-of-one, who apparently won his role on Neighbours after winning a competition run in Dolly Magazine. Not one to rush this new relationship, Declan has been quoted as saying, “We’re taking it slowly,” as he moved his furniture and month-old baby into Kate’s house. Kate’s housemates (younger brother Harry, 15, and younger and more annoying sister Sophie, 7ish) had little to say about the two newest members of the household. One must wonder how they can afford new clothes, video games, school fees, movies and shit-tins of coffee without having a parent in the house and their only income arriving in the form of Kate’s part-time job at the local shop.

Buns in ovens: Don’t tell Libby – Steph slept (although not much sleeping was done, if you know what I mean) with her best friend’s husband and is now pregnant with his baby. To keep Steph’s good name, former fiancĂ© Toadie Rebecci is going to somehow take responsibility for the child. His dedication is extreme in that he even broke up with his fairly attractive girlfriend to maintain the deception to everyone else, despite not having actually told anyone about the pregnancy yet. This reporter (me) is confused. Although Steph is only about six minutes pregnant and not having the slightest hint of a baby bump, she has felt the child kicking. I don't know a whole lot about pregnancy, but I reckon I’ve got fossilised bricks with more life inside them than Steph. She's such a sympathy whore. And also general whore.

As usual: The weather is always perfect, unless there’s going to be a flood (whereby it rains) or a savage fire (whereby it doesn’t).

Soccer World Cup Cash-in: Questionable antics from the newly appointed coach of the under 9 soccer team, sometimes-Scottish-son of Paul Robinson, has led to his sacking. The kids of Ramsay Street are devastated and bookmakers have increased their odds to almost unbackable lengths to win a single game, let alone the coveted Ramsay Street under 9 soccer team Cup. Supermum Libby has put aside her failed marriage and ugly children to help make this team of spazzies a team of champions. Following some tremendously well-edited and choreographed soccer clips, it turns out that Sophie Ramsay is quite good at soccer, and Libby's ugly son is quite good at dancing, leading to his departure from the under 9s soccer team to pursue a career on stage. He has already been called a “flaming homosexual gay homo poof” by Lucas, and an "ugly flaming homosexual gay homo poof”by me.

Comeback kid? Declan Napier was seen talking to former AFL team the Erinsborough Dingoes this week, sparking rumours that this wunkerkind child prodigy was going to make a comeback to the game. These thoughts were quickly put to bed after he admitted to not being interested in the sport anymore and preferred spending time with his boy-pal at an amateur magician's night - was this the case of Neighbours' writers being retarded on purpose, by accident, working a private joke into the script or trying to get their amateur magician friends on tv? Whatever it was, it filled in a few minutes of airtime, a paragraph on this blog and showed that Declan seriously has no mates at all.

Predictions for upcoming weeks:
  • Steph will lose her baby.
  • Whatever Libby’s ugly child is named will win the respect of his peers through the art of dance, in what will be a blatant rip-off of Billy Elliot and that episode of the Simpsons where Bart does ballet.
  • A new family will move in. They will be a couple in their mid-to-late 20s. He will be a policeman, she will become a bartender at Charlie’s. They have a secret past that they are afraid will bring them down.
  • A tragedy will rock Erinsborough. I think sometimes-Scottish-son of Paul Robinson might get taken hostage or fall down a well or something.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Round Four: How Canterbury ruined Easter


Welcome to Round Four, sportsfans. Woo. This week’s tips will be short and sweet (and early) because I’m going to be as hungover as a goat tomorrow.

Storm vs Dragons
This has the potential to be an absolute cracker-fucking-jack of a game, but it will most likely become the most one-sided match of the round. Which way will it go? Both teams are undefeated, but the Storm are playing some fairly lacklustre footy at the moment; the addition of Cooper Cronk might help spark them. WAIT WAIT WAIT. That sounds way too informative. Dragons are big and spiky and breathe fire and nothing nothing nothing can defeat a large, fictitious monster (except for a bigger fictitious monster who pisses lightning). My tip is the Saints.

Roosters vs Broncos
Both of these teams were retarded last week. And I mean that in a totally non-politically-correct way, they were both fully fledged flailing spastics who didn’t have the co-ordination to lick a window on the fucking special bus. Todd Carney proved himself to be back to his good self by playing as if he was coming off a thousand eccies (I wonder why), and the Broncos showed their appreciation to the crowd by flinging shit and pissing on them. The Roosters will probably win this dribble-a-thon, but it won’t be pretty. Fuck I hate this sport sometimes.

Sharks vs Eels
The Sharks are attempting to avoid the honour of having the game’s longest losing streak this weekend. Good luck to them, but I’m afraid that it’s a done deal. Eels by approximately a million or more.

Cowboys vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE COWBOYS… and the Titans. Something doesn't quite sound right there... Um. Titans have lost their only good player, which puts them on level pegging with the Cowboys, who never had a good player. The Cowboys are used to not having anyone with skill on their team, so they should win this puppy.

Warriors vs Manly

Raiders vs Tigers
The lads from Canberra will be hosting the girls from Balmain this week, and the Green Machine will be in full force to fuck up the shit of the Tigers in no uncertain terms. Put your motherfucking house on it, bet your children and mortgage your grandparents. This is a certainty.*

*not a certainty

Knights vs Panthers
I reckon the Panthers will be silent assassins this year, sneaking around and knocking off the bigger and better teams. This week, they’re playing the Knights, who are in no way bigger or better than them (they’re probably better than the Sharks, but that’s about it). Panthers to continue their sneaky ways this week with a million-point victory.

Rabbits vs Bulldogs
It’s Easter, so I really should tip the Bunnies. But I won’t, because they will lose.

If you liked it then you shoulda put a tip on it.