Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the footpath in front of my house. And I thought, I am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of alfoil and paper bags.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
I think the world is missing "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap onto the top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a duck and its babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Watch those ducks go! Also, Baby Duck Hat would be good for parties.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Most of the time in the Middle Ages, it was probably a bad thing to be stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Friday, March 18, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
I was having an affair with a friend's wife, and when I went to tell him, I started laughing. Not because I thought that his marriage breakdown was funny, but because of a joke I'd heard earlier that day. So I told my friend this joke, but he didn't laugh. Some friend he is.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Monday, March 14, 2005
Friday, March 11, 2005
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house, ring the doorbell and run away. I leave a Cabbage Patch doll with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Monday, March 07, 2005
As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henry thought back to the torture he had received just ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning," he thought, as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs, chest and groin.
Friday, March 04, 2005
I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh well, I never saw HIM again.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
If I lived back in the days of the wild west, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-arsed cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.