Friday, September 27, 2013

No warranty offered

I hate ironing, so here’s a handy tip – simply take something small and heavy (I like bricks, personally), and threaten to beat someone’s head in with them unless they do your ironing for you. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013

NRL 2013 Finals Week Three: Get Down the Local

It’s handy that there has been another drug allegation pointed at the NRL this week, so we can once again ignore that we’re a week away from the Grand Final and we can put 2013 to bed and nurse the sport back to full health following a Trainspotting cold-turkey rehab session.  But with peptides

What the fuck are peptides anyway?  Ah fuck it, don’t tell me; I don’t really care.   

Let’s just concentrate on the important things in the game, like how the fuck are Newcastle still playing?  Seriously, Jarrod Mullen missed his Year 10 formal because he thought that he’d be finished with football in September.  Turns out his best mate hooked up with his date at the after party.  Some best mate, amirite, Jarrod? 

Roosters vs Knights

Seriously though, congrats to Newcastle for their season this year.  It’s not often that a team so bereft of talent can go so far.  I guess this is what can happen when you have a team with very few dickheads in it.  I’m also going to open up a bottle of schnapps (because it’s been sitting in my cupboard forever and I don’t really drink it and this is as good a reason as any to get rid of it) and play the “Newcastle Knights vs Sydney City Roosters Finals Drinking Game”, which probably needs a better name.

  • Every time the phrase “Hollywood ending” or “Disney script” or some such bullshit is uttered by the commentators, have a drink.
  • Whenever the commentators mention the word “underdog”, have a drink.
  • If Sonny Bill Williams is granted a God-like status by the commentators, have a drink.
  • When Sonny Bill Williams uses a shoulder-charge but no one does anything about it because he’s SBW and can do anything he fucking well wants to, have a drink. No, have two.
  • When Akuila Uate’s amazing strength is acknowledged, have a drink.
  • If the commentators talk about the spirit that Wayne Bennett has brought to the Newcastle side, have a drink.  If they mention this towards the end of the game when the Knights are about 20 points down and still “trying their rings off”, have two drinks. 
  • When the Willie Mason vs Sonny Bill Williams “showdown” is mentioned, have a drink.
  • When Willie and Sonny don’t really do anything, have another drink. 
  • When players you’ve never heard of at Newcastle handle the ball, have a drink.
  • When the commentators mention how dominant the players you've never heard of have been this year, have a drink.
  • When James Maloney kicks it out on the full by a long way, have a drink.
  • When Mitchell Pearce misses a tackle or drops the ball, have a drink (have a medical professional standing by).
  • When Shaun Kenny-Dowell ignores his unmarked winger to try and get through three defenders, have a drink.  If he does get through three defenders, change the channel. 
  • If Daniel Mortimer gets on the field, you have successfully travelled back in time to 2009.  Have a drink.
  • If you see Kurt Gidley at any stage, drink whatever you can until he goes away.

Regardless of how drunk anyone is, this one should be a paint-by-numbers game for the Roosters, and they can paint however they fucking want, cos they’re the Roosters and they have Sonny Bill, yeah? 

Nice season, Newcastle.  See you next year.

Rabbitohs vs Manly

 A special mention should go to Manly’s Steve Matai, who will be celebrating his second consecutive game without being suspended or pretending that he’s injured.  And congrats to Sea Eagles coach Geoff Toovey, who hasn’t done poos in his pants for a week.  Here’s a lolly-pop.

Taking my/everyone’s hatred for Manly out of the equation, I just can’t see them winning, except in a horrible nightmare.  Speaking of nightmares and shit, the other night, I had a dream that my friend got me a job at a casino, and all I had to do was pretend that I was playing blackjack at one table, but making sure that the dealer at another table wasn’t cheating.  It was very hard to do.

Crack out another bottle – Galliano, perchance?  Let’s rack up some shots (and a lighter, because what’s the point of drinking Galliano if you’re not going to light it on fire first?) and play the “Manly-Warringah Northern Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs Finals Drinking Game.” 

  • Whenever the cameraman finds Mrs Burgess in the crowd, have a drink.
  • If Russell Crowe appears on screen, have a drink.
  • When Inglis is standing around doing fucking nothing at all, but the commentators mention how he’s “attracting two and three defenders”, have a drink.
  • When Inglis’ knee is mentioned, have a drink.
  • When Sam Burgess does something a bit underhanded (elbow, knee, eye-gouge, ball-grab, kneeing a tackled player in the spine), have two drinks. 
  • When the commentators just start referring to the Burgess brothers as “Tom” and “George”, have a drink.
  • Have another drink when Mrs Burgess gets another look in.
  • When the commentators wax lyrically about the history of the South Sydney club, have a drink.
  • When a toothless feral wearing Manly colours gets on TV, have a drink.  Have two drinks if they’re supporters.
  • When the words “Jamie Lyon” and “State of Origin” are mentioned in the same breath, have a drink.
  • If you think Jamie Lyon looks sweaty and out of breath from walking down the tunnel before the game, have a drink.
  • When Steve Matai gets cited for a cheap shot, have a drink. 
  • When Steve Matai gives away a stupid penalty on the fifth tackle, have a drink.
  • When Steve Matai goes down injured, have a drink.  Actually, you’ll have time to have two or three by the time he gets back up.
  • When Brett Stewart appeals for a penalty instead of going for the ball, have a drink.
  • If you can remember Ian Roberts as a player instead of a gay icon, have a drink.  Ha.  Gay.
  • If Manly win, have a few drinks – you’re going to need it to get through the next week.  
Thanks for coming, Manly.  Don't mind me if I do some twerking when you lose.  Or fuck it, I'll probably be so full of licorice-flavoured alcohol goo by the end of the game, all I'll be able to do is twerk.  And then hate you the next day.  Fuck you, Manly, you fucking fucks.


I'm sorry, but when this comes on the Footy Show, I lose my shit.  Every time.

"I'm flying, Jack!" "I'm drowning, Rose..."

The movie Titanic features the worst woman in the history of the world, ever.
Rose sees a news story about a multi-million dollar project that is looking to find a diamond, so she visits the team and bores them all shitless with the story about how she got fucked in a car, and manages to leave out the entire bit where she steals the diamond that they're all looking for.
Then she throws it back into the ocean and dies.  What a bitch.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

You're a wonderful audience

I just flew in from Seattle, and boy, are my arms tired.  That packet of nuts was really hard to open.  Also, I was masturbating a lot.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

This literally didn't happen to me

Can’t find a can opener?  Here's a simple solution:  just put your can and a large crab together and in just a few days, the crab might have opened that can for you.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Hydration is important

I’m always losing my phone, so I have started putting it into a glass of water.  That way, when I go to have a drink, hey presto!  There’s my phone.

Friday, September 20, 2013

NRL Finals Week Two: Amazingly accurate psychic predictions

WOW WHAT AN INCREDIBLE ROUND OF FINALS LAST WEEK, TH – stupid caps lock button keeps sticking – the only real upset being that North Queensland lost to Cronulla, but no one was really that upset about it.  Except North Queensland.  And no one cares what they think anyway.  So basically, it’s a win/win situation for everyone.  Except North Queensland.  So more of a win for us then.

The entire NRL week has been dominated by talk over the referee’s kerfuffle in the Nth QLD game in which they did not correctly count the number of tackles in a set by Cronulla, giving them an extra play in which they scored.  Johnny Thurston claimed that it was a conspiracy by the NRL to keep the game within New South Wales due to the Queensland Origin side winning the last eight years straight.  I think someone may have swapped Thursty’s XXXX-mid-strength with a full-alcohol beer. 

I had a grand plan to review every game of the NRL this year and make sure that no other team had been dudded or awarded an extra tackle, but then I realised that that was going to be a whole shit-tin of watching games I didn’t want to watch the first time around, and paying attention to them, so I didn’t.  I will say, however, that it probably happens more than anyone realises, and the NRL teams need to stop bitching and moaning about everything.   


Manly vs Sharks
Melbourne vs Knights

With only two games to tip this week, it gives me heaps more space to give my own personal political agenda a bit of air time.


I don’t really have much to say, to be perfectly Francis.

This round of finals should go according to plan – I don’t think that the Sharks or the Knights have the firepower to do a whole lot of damage to the finals series this year; I can see Cronulla putting a scare through Brookvale in front of the 19 angry Manly fans who bother turning up instead of just sitting around whinging at their TV, but they won’t win.  Manly to win in a shitty game 14-6.

Newcastle will get out to a 10-0 lead before Melbourne change gear and run out convincing 26-16 winners.

So.  There you go.

The Abbott Government is trying to keep me down.  
Also, I should stop swearing so maliciously.
But I won't.
Fucking fucks.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Friday, September 13, 2013

NRL 2013 Finals: Week One – Let’s Begin Again

Well thank fuck the normal season is over and we can forget about most of 2013.  I know I have.

Let’s not faff about (because I’m busy) and get right into the hijinx.


Rabbitohs vs Storm

Way back in Round One, I tipped the Grand Final to be the Bunnies vs Storm.  I’m not entirely sure that’s still going to happen, but they’re playing each other this week, so I’m giving myself partial credit for getting it right.  I’m also giving myself a week off work and a massive pay rise, but that’s beside the point. 

The Rabbits were disappointing in their loss to the Roosters last week, and not disappointing like being fired from working at McDonalds because you’re too much of a dipshit, but disappointed that they’ve also banned you from entering another McDonalds for the rest of your life, and thanks to your actions, have also removed the Big Mac from their menu.  That’s how disappointing it was. 

That said, the Storm have been the epitome of disappointing over the last few weeks, losing to a whole bunch of spastics, and winning by the smallest piece of Billy Slater’s nutsack against other, less spasticated teams.  I think the wheels have come off the Storm-mobile (but that’s okay because they can just catch a tram instead), and in my expert opinion, they’ve got two more games to play before they can set fire to a midget (Billy Slater) for Mad Monday, and only one more day to wait until they can dress in drag and put on fashion shows for each other (Saturday).       

Sharks vs Cowboys

Seriously, both of these teams made it into the finals?  Are we sure?  Can we please get someone to double check this?  It just doesn’t seem possible. 

Fuck it, someone’s gotta win, and it probably won’t be the Sharks.  Sorry Sharkies.  But um, congrats on making it this far and stuff, and well done on getting a sponsor and having Beau Ryan on your team and that.  Oh, and for not having your entire team arrested for being on drugs, that’s pretty good too.

Well done to the Cowboys on making it another week into the finals.  I think you guys should be about as surprised as anyone that you’re still playing.  Yeah.  So… anyway.  Um… have a good one. 

Roosters vs Sea Eagles
OH MY GOD THIS GAME IS HARD TO PICK.  It’s not that they’re both playing great footy at all, with strong discipline and pure talent, it’s just that I really fucking hate them both.  The best-and-worst thing will be the Channel 9 lead-up to the game, which will forget that the Manly team exist (I do it every day, which is why I walk around with a boner all the time) and focus entirely on Sonny Bill Williams, the one-man wrecking machine, worth eight Burgesses and sixteen Inglises.  That would make him a thousand Slaters, and nearly seventy-eight million Barbas.  The amount of SBW cock that Channel 9 drooled over last week was fucking pathetic.  To have Joey Johns mention that it was “an honour to have been here to see him play” is just a bit hyperbolic for me, and I think it’s fair to say that I’m the greatest hyperbolist in the fucking history of everything.  It’s an honour to be mentioned by myself in this regard. 

The Footy Show story that aired last night on SBW’s home life was also the greatest wank I’ve witnessed since their story on Todd Carney a few years ago.  Shots of Sonny Bill holding a baby.  Shots of him holding two babies.  Shot of Gus Gould dry-humping his leg while he cooks a barbie with his entire family.  Shirtless SBW.  SBW at a charity day for kids with meningococcal – a charity that he has been involved with for over ten years, yet the first time that he thought about visiting the kids was when there was a Channel 9 camera man in the passenger seat.  Slo-mo shot of SBW with babies.  Black and white slo-mo shot of SBW without babies.  SBW running.  SBW not running.   

Fuck me, just make him the next Australian Bachelor and get it over with.  SPOILER:  he ends up with Phil Gould.

As for the footy, fuck it.  If it’s anyone vs Manly, I’m picking anyone.  Go you Chickens.

 Bulldogs vs Knights

Congratulations to both of these teams; it couldn’t have been easy to have two teams so bereft of talent win so many games to make it to the finals; it just brings a tear to my eye. 

To be perfectly Francis, I really haven’t been that interested in either of these teams, except that the Dogs’ best player, Ben Barba, has been trying to get out of playing for the Dogs since the beginning of the year, when he was revealed to have gambling issues, problems with alcohol, connections with an outlaw motorcycle club and a pending assault charge hanging over him. 

The Knights, meanwhile, have also been struggling as they look for their best player, and no one is putting their hand up for it (Gidley, you raise your arm one more time and I’m going to fucking cut it off).

The Knights have beaten Canterbury twice already this year.  Let’s make it an even 3.  What do you mean 3 isn’t even?  Don’t try and sell me your lies, charlatan!


Raiders vs No one

The biggest NRL news this week was the switcheroo back to Canberra for Parramatta coach Ricky Stuart.  Stuart was one year into a three-year deal with the Eels, and in that year, he forced a reshuffle of the management board, sacked around 15 first-grade players and cancelled “Funny Hat Day” at the office.  So Parramatta Eels fans were obviously pretty interested to see how we was going to rebuild the club over the next few years.  I mean, obviously he had an idea of what he was doing, right?  It’s not like he’d just, you know, destroy an entire club and then walk out, right?  If Parramatta had any fans left, they’d be furious right about now.

As a Canberra fan, I don’t like Sticky Tricky Dicky Flicky Stuart is the answer to us firing our coach.  We should probably look beyond our former playing roster to find a coaching staff as well – I’m not saying that I’d be super good at it, but I’d definitely enjoy being paid to watch a game and speak into a walkie-talkie from the coach’s box.  It looks warm in there too. 

Parra are now without a board, without a coach and without a major sponsor, and are probably in a bit of trouble to stay afloat for too much longer.  Parramatta need to stay in the NRL.  Without them, Canberra would probably come last.

It's not just me, is it?  Anthony Minichello is getting weirder looking as he gets older.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

NRL 2013 Round 26: Dead Rubbers and Broken Dreams, and THANK FUCK IT'S OVER

Why does this round start on a Thursday?  It confuses me.  Is it because of the cricket going on in England?  Is it the election on Saturday?  Is it just to piss me off so I watch football on Thursday night so it feels like Friday night and then then next day is really uncomfortable because it feels like it should be Saturday, but it’s actually Friday and then there’s more Friday night football on and then I feel like I’ve had a quasi-Groundhog Day?

In any case…  WHAT A WEEK OF RUGBY LEAGUE.  Most of it was due to the fact that the AFL ballsed up a lot, by taking drugs and setting fire to dwarves as part of an end-of-year celebration, painting Australian athletes in a very pretty light. 

James Maloney from the Roosters seems to be a bit of a dick too.  Ripping a player’s shoe off and piffing itinto the crowd is just fucking stupid.  I don’t give a shit about crowd safety, or even player safety – it’s just fucking stupid.  But then, NRL players should probably learn how to tie their shoelaces a bit better.  With double knots.

Round 26

Six teams have secured their spot in the top eight with four others left to battle it out for the two remaining spots.

Exciting, no?  Well, kind of, if you discount the fact that a lot of the games this weekend are basically dead rubbers, and going to be played for pride, to finish the season on a positive note, to try and impress a new sponsor, team or coach.  And the rest… well they’re just fucking around until they get a chance to lock a clown in a car and drive it off a cliff on Mad Monday.

The Dogs should win against the Broncos, but the result means dick all for both teams.  Canterbury will be in the finals, Brisbane won’t.  TEARS FOR BRISBANE (but not really). 

I’m tipping the Bunnies to beat the Roosters and take out the minor premiership.  I don’t rate the Chooks this year – they have been able to destroy bottom eight teams, but when they’re up against good opposition, they are revealed for what they really are:  a bit shit.  In true Sonny Bill Williams form, he’s still deciding whether to play or not, or if he’s just a bit scared of playing someone good. 

Warriors need to beat the Dragons, which they should, but then they also need a couple of results to go their way to avoid being knocked out of the finals.  There’s not a whole lot else to say about this game, other than both teams were a bit shit.  Especially St George.

If the Storm don’t beat the Titans, I’m going to kick someone in the dick, and without giving it away, it will be Billy Slater.  Those fucking fucks keep losing, and it’s kind of annoying me because I want them to play in the grand final.  And then lose. 

Cowbs to knock over the Tigers, who must be pretty happy that their season is finally fucking over.  Although the way they’ve been playing this year, they looked like they were over it by round 4.

Manly should win in a useless match against Penrith, which won’t stop Geoff Toovey from having a good complain about the game, the refs, the opposition, the crowd, the advertising signage, Tom Waterhouse, how shit Underbelly is, black jelly beans, Ashton Kutcher and battered savs.  Penrith should take the field after drinking a lot of beer and just go to town on the Eagles.  Fuck it, it hasn’t been a great year for the Panthers, and next year’s recruits probably aren’t going to bring a lot more to the table.

The Knights will beat the Eels.  Congratulations, Knights.  You’ve done what everyone can do.  The difference is that you will do it with a Gidley.      

Broncos vs Bulldogs
Rabbitohs vs Roosters
Dragons vs Warriors
Storm vs Titans
Cowboys vs Tigers
Sea Eagles vs Panthers
Knights vs Eels

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Sharks

I would probably forfeit this game if I was a Raiders player.  Maybe that’s why I’m not a Raiders player?  Probably.  Cronulla have basically had the same thought, and are resting their entire playing roster.  Todd Carney’s not even going to play.  There is absolutely no reason to attend this match.

Canberra can’t find half of their team, the Sharks aren’t even going to bother taking most of theirs, so this game should just be abandoned and Bruce Stadium should be filled with kittens instead.  At least it’ll be more entertaining for the Raiders faithful.  

MEBCAM 2013 - A True Canberran Legend

In days of yore during Canberra’s youth
A hero was born who fought for truth
The outlaw man from the Charny Wood,
He went by the name of Robbo Hood.

Robbo would take from the rich to give to the poor
To buy himself a new Commodore.
He'd laugh and smoke and have a drink
All on his ten weekly cheques from Centrelink.

He worked himself hard to stay on the dole
Keep unemployed, that was his goal.
His front yard had three cars all up on blocks
And if he had’ve went to school, it’d be the one of Hard Knocks.

One afternoon (and eighty bucks) down at Charny Labes,
Robbo made an adversary; people still talk of him today.
A member of the constabulary, one Sherif Nottingham
Hit our hero where it hurt, right in the SS sedan.

Robbo loved that car more than his life
More than he loved his first, third and current/pending ex-wife.
He bought it from a bloke from the Griffith flats
And he takes it every year to the Summernats.

It had a bumper sticker saying “My other car’s a Commodore”
And his other car was; that’s what he bought the sticker for.
The engine was noisy and the muffler so fucked
You couldn't tell if the tape deck was playing ‘Dirty Deeds’ or ‘Thunderstruck’.

Robbo’s feud with the law began on the day
That he decided to put on a burnout display
When his interest in the cricket match on telly had waned
As soon as the fielding restrictions took place.

So onto the streets Robbo did go
With his band of merry men following in tow;
There was Little Johnno, Billy S, and Mr Brian Tuck
Not to mention the Maiden Mazza, who Robbo wanted to fuck.

With his old Jim Beam singlet, faded tatts, mullet and rat’s tail
He looked like a Greek god, an Adonis, or a guy escaped from jail.
And who would have thought just a month after this
They’d be married, pregnant, and living with her mum and his kids?

But back to the story of Robbo Hood that’s at hand
That spread through Canberran folklore, from Amaroo to Banks
The tale of one man’s stand against law
You want Robbo to win, but you’re not sure why for.

Robbo’s hooned-up Commodore started circling in smoke
Covering the streets of Charny in a hazy, blue-grey cloak
And soon the siren sound of Constable Nottingham’s car
Could be heard above the squeal of Robbo’s burning rubber.

Nottingham stepped out and approached the tinted window,
“Sir, would you kindly turn down your radio crescendo?”
Robbo seethed as his shaking hands turned down the volume knob
Before turning his attention back to this fun-policing cop.

“Sir, you are drunk & driving with miscreant intention.
I also don’t think this is a legally modified engine.
Your doughnut burnout marks are plain for all to see,
And I know for a fact that you lost your license last week.”

And with that speech, Nottingham handed a list of violations
That Robbo had racked up on just this single occasion.
At this point, Robbo wished that his teeth had aligned
As he would have enjoyed having something to grind.

“That’s unfair!”  Mazza screeched, while slugging cans of Jim Beam.
“Bloody oath,” they all chimed in; consensus agreed.
“Wasn’t hurtin anyone,” Robbo said, and threw the ticket out.
“That fuckin cop doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

From that point on, it always seemed to be
When Robbo’s men were having fun illegally,
Nottingham was there to get in the way
Issuing tickets to spoil the day.

Like when Robbo went to watch the Canberra Raiders
As well as the time he saw the Brumbies v Crusaders.
Robbo was too pissed to walk through the gate
So trying to climb the fence was his initial mistake.

“Iss not fair I can’t afford to get into the game!”
Robbo slurred to Nottingham has he tried to explain.
“Spent all me moneys at the Tavs and the Inns.
And the Labes and the RSL and the pub.  Oh, and Sinnies.”

“Get out of here, Robbo,” Nottingham decreed,
Ignoring the fact that Rob was also carrying weed.
Although not illegal in Australia’s capital,
The ‘decriminalised’ defence is far from infallible.

“I’ll get you fuckin coppers,” Robbo Hood swore his oath.
And he tried all the time, but he never got close.
Robbo continued to try and recover his pride.
“Come on now Rob, just pay your fine.”

And that is the story of how Canberra’s legend began
A battle for the ages, of sticking it to the man.
So to the Robbo’s of Charnwood, Ainslie and Kaleen
My hat’s off to you for MEBCAM 2013.