Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Random Things I Hate

Yes, I still fucking hate spiders. I've mentioned them on this blog before. Below is a photo of a spider that was recently in my house. There was a bigger one last week that I wish I got a photo of, but it ate my camera. And it's a big camera.

My favoured method of getting rid of spiders that are large enough to withstand a thong attack (thongs are best for killing things that are crawling on walls) is to employ a multi-pronged offensive. First, you have to drown the fucker in bug spray. If you don't have a can of Mortein handy, improvise with Mr Muscle, Rexona or Airwick. It's all about the same. This will confuse the spider and it will drop to the floor. This is a good time to think about another attempt with the double-pluggers, but personally, I like to rev up the vacuum cleaner. I recently made the mistake of only using the fly spray on the spider and left it on the floor as a warning to all other spiders who enter my abode. I don't know if he was rescued by other spiders, eaten by the mouse who lives under my oven or miraculously recovered in some kind of Spider-Jesus Easter-trick of rising from the dead, but when I came back home, the body was gone. So now I vac the fuckers up and then put some thumb tacks and drawing pins and shards of glass and knives and ninja stars down the tube as well, just in case they survive the initial ride into my trusty Dyson. These stupid spiders aren't even getting rid of the moths and bugs and shit that haunt my house, and I figure there's only room for two useless things in my place - one of them is me, the other is my ironing board.

DVD menu loops
When a DVD ends, and you don't turn it off, it will go back to the original menu screen that has options ("Play movie", "Subtitles", "Special Features", "Select a scene" etc...) and is usually accompanied by a 20 second loop of film dialogue or music. Occasionally, you might find yourself plonked out on your couch with a bucket of popcorn and a DVD, keen for a "quiet night in." With the lights down and the slow realisation that Demolition Man is nowhere near as good as you remember it to be, your eyes may become a bit heavy, and you'll be fighting the urge to yawn every 4 seconds. You close your eyes just for a moment...

The next thing you know, your dreams are being disturbed by goats playing bad guitars. Then the goats' music fades out. Then it comes back. Then it fades out. Then it comes back. Then it fades out. Then it comes back. Then it fades out. Then it comes back. Then it fades out. Then it comes back. Then it fades out. All of a sudden, you're bolt upright, ready to kick the shit out of the goats who keep playing bad music for 20 seconds at a time. There are, of course, no goats; you've just been fucked by the DVD menu loop. Upon realising that it's now 4am, you trundle off to bed, but can't get that fucking music out of your mind, and then you realise that you only made it about halfway through Demolition Man (not even to the bit where you see Sandra Bullock's boobs for about a second) and you'll have to do the whole fucking thing again tomorrow night.

Parking inspectors
There's nothing quite like returning to your car after a day of work, a night at the movies, a drink with mates, a few hours of standing in the bushes outside someone's house or a mad dash into the shops to grab a bag of chips, sherbert and cheese spread (my grocery shopping is fucking awesome), and finding that beautiful yellow envelope stuck underneath your windscreen wiper; its contents revealing that you've been booked for a dodgy park, outstayed your welcome or didn't feed the meter enough coin. The next five minutes or so are spent swearing at yourself inside your car and bashing your head on the steering wheel for being so fucking unlucky.

"Dear Parking Inspector,

You may have noticed that there's nowhere else to park around here. I am normally a law-abiding citizen (other than the usual pillaging that goes with my pirate/viking heritage), and would appreciate you cutting me some slack for parking on the side of the road instead of in a parking bay. I draw your attention to the amount of cars vs the amount of car spaces provided within your car parking facility. If I didn't have to invent a carpark here, I wouldn't; it's as simple as that.

I don't have any money, but feel free to stick $72 worth of my car up your arse at any stage.


Mister Evil Breakfast

Chupa Chup wrappers
Chupa Chups are great; there's no denying their awesomeness (especially the strawberry ones, regardless of how girly they are). However, they are fairly impossible to unwrap. I have tried to open them when I'm walking, driving, standing still; when I'm drunk, sober, slightly pissy, shattered, hungover; in the light, in the dark, in artificial light, in a nightclub, in a pub, in a house; with friends, when alone; when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm thoughtful, when I'm tired and when I wake up. My fingers aren't what they used to be, granted, but there's no need for me to have to fire up the blow-torch and scalpel just to get into my Chupa. What if I was giving this lolly to a child? They'd look up at me with their cute eyes and say, "Unca Bweakfast, can you pwease open my wowwipop?" And I'd try and try and try to unwrap that fucking thing, and would end up breaking the stick off instead... and I'd have to look down at that child and say, "No, Uncle Breakfast can't open it. I have failed you. I have failed you as a provider and kidnapper." And then I'd probably just let the kid out of my van and not even collect ransom money. Fucking Chupa Chups.

The prick at work who keeps stealing my milk
Seriously fuckbag, buy your own. Easy as that. Also, whoever keeps stealing my pens can go get fucked as well. Just so you know, I've been chewing them, so if you chew it as well, it's like we're making out... and I'm not a pretty man.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

should be there for one another

Harold Bishop has a large horn

It's been a fairly tumultuous time in Ramsay Street of late. Let's delve into the depths (something that the rescue people failed to do in their attempt to find Zeke) and see what's happening to our favourite people in the whole wide world...

Well, Bridgette is still pregnant; we know this because she mentions it in every sentence of dialogue. "Hey Didge, let's go swimming!" "But Declan, I'm pregnant!" "Anyone up for a movie?" "Declan, I can't just go to the movies, I'm pregnant." "Let's head down the General Store." "Just wait, I have to be careful of walking; I'm pregnant, you know!" She has also adopted the classic 'hands on belly' stance, and invites random people to feel the bub kicking. “You can feel it kicking, because I’m pregnant!”

Declan's been fairly quiet of late. Also, I've missed a lot of episodes, so I don't really know (or particularly care) what he's been doing.

Zeke is still missing; after a rowing competition at school camp (which occurred the day after Christmas, strangely), his boat capsized and all hell broke loose. After the wardrobe department found enough orange vests for everyone, it was classic Neighbours - everyone lending a hand, whether it was walking through the bush or making cups of tea for Carl and Susan. There was no sign of him on the hills surrounding the river; this may be because the traditional venue for rowing races is in a river. Rarely are they held out of bodies of water. It should be noted that it's been about a month since he went missing, and the first time his older sister Katya was informed of his disappearance (and death) was yesterday. She sent her condolences from wherever she was. Sad. So they had a bit of a memorial service for Zeke in the General Store of all places. I would have assumed it would have been in a church, or even at a house or park... but you should never assume when it comes to Neighbours. Whichever set is up when they’re filming, it’ll be used. Everyone at the memorial had their say of what Zeke meant to them; it was really quite touching, but more like how sitting on an unseen TV remote is touching, not like actual real emotion. Rachel tried to sing her song (more on that later) for him, but couldn't quite summon the voice to sing to her dead bro... enter Libby, who also has an amazing singing voice, yet is an awful mime. There's something about those Kennedy's - they're very musical. Even the adopted children.

Anyway, Zeke is not dead; he's still in the opening credits and Lucas and Elle saw his face in a street artist's portrait. If that's not proof enough, then I'm not a chainsaw-juggling pirate. Why Zeke has decided to run away (possibly just to the next street) instead of going home and not pretending that he's dead is an intriguing question. Also intriguing is why he decided to pose for a busking artist instead of, you know, buying food or something. He could have at least got a 6-inch meatball sub for the same price as having his picture done.

Susan, meanwhile, is cleaning out Zeke's room - better not wait for his corpse to go cold before you chuck out every reminder that he ever existed. Remember Stingray? No, neither does anyone else who lived with him. Ringo is still staying with Carl and Susan for some ungodly reason; the Ramsay Street peeps sure do move house a lot; although it's usually just to next door. Anyway, it's kind of creeping ol' Ringers out to be sleeping in the same room that belonged to his dead mate (which is fair enough), so has taken to kipping on the couch. Susan doesn't understand this. Stupid Susan. She also found a bunch of Zeke's photos of Ringo's hot missus, Donna, and shows them to Ringo. Stupid Susan. The photos were all from a distance, so it's fairly plain to see that Zeke had a crush on Donna and perved on her a bit. Stupid Zeke. Ringo fires up at Donna and is all "wah wah wah you had an affair with my little emo buddy!" Donna's all like, "Yeah, for sure. We were hot at it." Donna was being sarcastic, but it probably wasn't the time or place for it, and they broke up. Again. This marked the second time they broke up in a week. Stupid Ringo.

Meanwhile, Donna's estranged mum has moved in next door (of course) and is trying to bone every bloke in the street. She's not as hot as she thinks she is, and comes off as being the world's greatest slut, which has the world's greatest stud, Paul Robinson, fairly interested. It doesn't take much to get his interest though; he once shagged a doughnut. Donna's mum is just after his money, and isn't being too subtle about that. Donna smells a rat. Clever Donna.

Somewhere else, Rachel is busy being a popstar; despite only ever having played at the local bar once. Funnily enough, there was a talent agent in the crowd of six people (the others were Bridgette, Ringo, Declan, Zeke, Carl and Susan), so she did what anyone would do; offer a record deal after hearing her first and only song. Having any kind of talent in the Neighbours universe means immediate success; Declan and Ringo were both drafted by AFL teams after playing in the local comp for one season; Elle became a hot-shot journalist in the space of a week after writing a single story about goats (or something); Lucas is a photographer who did Rachel's publicity shots, despite his actual job being a mechanic/professional motorbike racer guy thing. I can't remember what's happened to our Rach, but I think her singing career is on hiatus following some guy telling her to lose weight but also possibly because of her brother's death. Probably more about the weight thing though.

Simone Buchanan is pregnant with Simone Buchanan’s ex-husband Dan's baby... or is she? She's not. Well, she's pregnant for the same reasons explained above (see Bridgette), but it's not Simone Buchanan’s ex-husband Dan's baby. Terrible floozy, that Simone Buchanan. She turned up out of the blue, preggers as a penguin on the same day of Simone Buchanan’s ex-husband Dan's wedding to Libby. Well excuse me, Mr Simone Buchanan's ex-husband Dan, but what's the go with the sudden switcheroo of wives? Within 6 months, Simone Buchanan's ex-husband Dan has tried to start a family with Simone Buchanan, divorced Simone Buchanan a week later, dated Libby, broke up with Libby, got back together with Libby, proposed to Libby, planned a wedding with Libby, didn't quite marry Libby, proposed to Libby again and planned another wedding with Libby. I don't like to use the words "rushing into things," but I think he's rushing into things. Simone Buchanan's ex-husband Dan is also a terrible actor.

Libby and Steph are fighting. I'm not sure why. It may have something to do with Steph hooking up with a married bloke, whose wife is on the Cancer Council team with her... but that shouldn't really annoy Libby. If anything, it would just be a smidge awkward for Steph and the other chick. Anyway, at one stage, Steph's kid knocked a filing cabinet onto himself and almost died - it took three adults to lift it off him. God only knows the strength of baby Charlie, who can somehow topple buildings in his spare time. I am still a bit lost as to the friendship status of those two... or three... or four. But Libby moved out of Steph's house (to next door, por favor) so you know they were fighting recently. You can always tell the strength of a relationship by how close they live to each other. If someone were to move to another street, they might as well be dead. Anybody who's anybody lives in the Ramsay. I’m sure at some stage Libby and Steph will fall into a plot-hole together and miraculously work out their differences.

There may or may not be some other stuff happening in this street of streets; Carl went through a breakdown over Zeke, Steve and Miranda are doing their best impressions of Steve and Miranda (they're not that good though) and Declan's mum is shagging his principal. Nice work, Mrs Declan's Mum - whatever it takes to get him to pass high school!

It's been a rollercoaster of emotions lately (mostly anger from me). Look out for Ringo hooking up with Donna's slutty mum, Donna's brother and sister moving next door, something else to get in the way of Simone Buchanan’s ex-husband Dan and Libby’s wedding, and a surprise piece of acting from Carl.

Oh yeah, and Harold has cancer. Poor old Harold. Poor old Lou.

Monday, February 09, 2009

glassy eyed and fatigued

There are few things in life better than a good movie, I reckon. I dare say that beating Ricky Ponting with a rusty crowbar that has jagged edges would be as satisfying as a good movie (and would also make a great movie). A bottle of scotch that I can exchange for a case of beer which I could then drink would be on par with a good movie. Owning a rhino would be as enjoyable as a good movie, especially if it assisted me in my crowbar beating escapades (that would be another great movie).

Unfortunately, movies that come out now are usually fairly dicey and not worth the trillion bucks it costs you to catch it at Hoyts. Storylines give way to special effects; actors demand scenes that don't fit; eye-candy is presented where a plot would be better; scripts are worked to include an open ending to allow for sequels and crossovers. And there are some other things that Transformers didn't do as well.

Here's what's coming up in 2009:

Tim Allen vs Predator - When the Predator appears in the sewers of Detroit, there's only one man who can stop it. Ugh ugh ugh. The part of Al will be played by Christian Bale.

High School Musical 9: Yes, We're Still In Fucking High School - Zac Efron brings his character to life once more as a 38 year old high-school kid. Is he too old to make quarterback this year? Hit songs like "Can't Sack the Zac" and "Go long, go deep, go hard" prove that he's still got the magic. Zac also teaches his own children (who are in the same grade as he is) the dangers of drugs.

Monk the Movie - Everyone's favourite neurotic, obsessive-compulsive Jewish detective breaks through stereotypes while solving murder cases in this movie about a TV show that no-one watched.

Jingle all the Way - Arnold Schwarzenneger's classic 1996 Christmas movie has been remade for families of today! The same slapstick humour and good, wholesome family fun from the original remain, plus all new laughs as the hunt for the must-have Christmas gift is on! Stars Rob Schneider and Seth Rogen.

I Now Pronounce You Chunk and Harry - When the Goondocks are in trouble again, it's up to Chunk to save the day! Following another treasure map, Chunk finds himself at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and teams up with the world's most famous wizard, Harry Potter for magic, adventure and romance.

Austin Powers: Quantum of Scotland - The hilarious Mike Myers is back as everyone's favourite hilarious shagadelic spy in this hilarious new instalment of hilarity. As Dr Evil threatens the world with his usual hilarious antics such as "laser" beams and "sharks with frickin laser beams on their heads", Austin must unite a team of hilarious crime-fighters (all played by Myers, and all with hilarious Scottish accents!) before it's too late. Also stars Ewan McGregor as a Canadian.

Two and a Half Men - Charlie Sheen and the other guy and the fat kid learn a bit more about each other and themselves in a full-length feature film based on the hit sitcom. Charlie's constant womanising starts to make the other guy feel uncomfortable as the fat kid starts to ask questions about sex. But when the other guy meets a cocktail waitress (Lori Loughlin), Charlie accuses him of being a hypocrit. Featuring music by U2.

Land Before Time 219,483,904,329,320 - Littlefoot thinks he can see a comet but no one believes him, with hilarious results.

Eating Pasta in a Space Suit - An instructional video on how to eat pasta in a space suit. SPOILER ALERT: It involves removing the space suit then eating the pasta.

Cage Fight - Filmed in one-take on a steadicam, Nicholas Cage gets his ass handed to him by Seth Rogen and Michael Cera in a brutal ambush in an alley next to a fire station. Also stars William Baldwin and Christian Bale.

It's a Movie, Charlie Brown - with every cartoon and comic being adapted to film, it was only a matter of time before the Peanuts characters followed suit. This live-action comedy drama will bring laughter and tears as Charlie Brown (Star Wars' Jake Lloyd) and Linus (Zac Efron) hide out in the pumpkin patch to wait for The Great Pumpkin to appear. Also stars Lindsay Lohan as Peppermint Pattie and Courtney Cox as Lucy.

2 Shawshank 2 Redemption - Five years have passed since Andy and Red left Shawshank prison. But they run into one of their old cellmates (played by Snoop Dogg), who threatens to hand Andy over to the police... unless they help him carry out a series of daring casino heists. Jessical Alba stars as Red's sexy new girlfriend who joins them for explosions, car chases, incredible martial arts action and a tangled web of intruigue.

Rocky 9 -As he approaches his 100th birthday, Rocky Balboa couldn't possibly take on a new breed of genetically enhanced cyborg fighters, could he? The Italian Stallion is back against all odds, out of retirement again and eager to prove himself to the world.

Club Sandwich - In this sequel to Fight Club, Tyler Durden meets himself for lunch, and they both expect the other one to pick up the cheque. Ed Norton and Brad Pitt team up for more anarchy, revolution and an antipasto platter - to share.