Thursday, August 26, 2010
My tips took an absolute fucking hammering last week. Just a few weeks ago, I was sitting pretty at the top of the ladder like a pretty man on top of a ladder, and now look at me; sitting in the middle like Malcolm from Malcolm in the Middle.
Still, can’t dwell on the past – it does little to provide shelter and warmth, and it is nowhere near public transport and local shops.
Warriors vs Broncos
Well well well. Haven’t those Brissy boys proved themselves to be a one-man team? With Captain Lockyer nursing a cuticle on the sideline, the Broncs have impressed me about as much as a pizza with anchovies when I specifically asked for no anchovies. The Warriors lost last week, but fuck it, with Lockyer out of action, they shouldn’t have too much to worry about from the Brissy lads.
Rabbitohs vs Eels
Fuck you to the Bunnies who sucked harder than my brand new vacuum cleaner (well, before it broke anyway) last weekend. The Eels are still sore after their heartbreaking loss last week – apparently they were going to marry the finals series (or at least have a commitment ceremony) that has ended their season. Still, if they were better players, they would already have secured their spot in the top eight. Useless fucking Parra. Um. Souths to win, I guess. Only because they still have some kind of motivation. Parra are already balls deep in hookers in Bali, I reckon.
Sharks vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Sharks. I just did some homework (something about Pythagoras’ theorem) and then read something about the Titans resting their entire side (two players) for this game. With second place wrapped up like an incredibly square and therefore easy to wrap-up Christmas present, they can afford to be fucksticks about the next few weeks. Which is handy, because the Titans really are fucksticks.
Knights vs Dragons
These traditional medieval rivals make my heart soar. The only thing that I like more than medieval shit is pretty much everything else in the world. The Knights are playing decent footy at the moment (apparently; I’m not watching them because I don’t like watching things that suck), and St George have got a case of the Chokes a bit early this year. At least last season they waited until the finals before they decided to let down their supporters. I think they will splutter through this game though and really “stick it up” those people who say they are “shit” by beating the team coming eleventh.
Raiders vs Cowboys
Six wins from the last seven weeks, which could otherwise be called “eleven wins from twenty-four weeks”, puts Canberra as the form team in the comp. Looking to either be “Parra from last year” or “themselves from 1989,” I’m saying that they’ll go all the way to the Grand Final from here. I can’t even begin to imagine how drunk I’m going to be that day.
PS. Canberra to win this game as well.
Tigers vs Storm
This game will be decided by the crowd, I reckon. And by that, I mean that neither team should turn up and they should just let the rabble on the hill debate the topic, "Who deserves to win?" Due to this match being a Tiggers home game, they’ll probably have the numbers on their side. As a side note, if it was a competition to see whose supporters had the most teeth, Melbourne would win hands down, even if the only Storm fan who turned up was “Gummy” George from St Kilda.
Roosters vs Sea Eagles
There’s always one pube in the soup, isn’t there? And this week, it’s this fucking game. The Roosters are playing absolute fucking shite right now (sorry, I’ve just gone all Scottish on myself, so I'll finish this tip in Trainspotting style) and mah big fa’ finger es pointin’ streight a’ Mister Fancy Pants Todd fookin Carney (actually, it’s giving me a headache). Toddy has been shithouse lately, but with the Ben Cousins documentary airing on telly this week, no doubt he will find a couple of pointers on how to perform properly while being a fucking dickhead on drugs. Easts by a couple.
Bulldogs vs Panthers
The Doggies will want to send off Brett Kimmorley with a win this weekend. I’d like to be able to fly-kick a dinosaur. I think my wish is somewhat more achievable. Poor Noddy. Poor dinosaur; I’m going straight for the throat, and that always hurts.
Tip like an Egyptian…
The Manuka region is home to several varieties of people – from the metrosexual type men who sit around in polo shirts and sip on lattes while preening their trendy faux mullets and contemplate growing ironic moustaches while also contemplating the meaning of the word ‘ironic,’ to the platinum-dyed blonde princess who reapplies her lip gloss between dainty nibbles of an organic grain-fed goat-cheese sourdough foccacia with a side order of organic grain-fed baby octopus as she sucks down Vogue cigarettes, Manuka really does attract all kinds of people, from wankers to tools and dickheads.
Other Manuka-sexuals to keep your eyes peeled for are the Canberran reality TV stars who are just one reality TV show away from being actual reality TV stars. These party-goers are easily spotted as they wander across from the nearby bars and clubs of Kingston such as B-Bar, Lot 33 and the Kennedy Room. With a mix of shitty electronic music spun by the best DJ that one kid and a computer can provide, drinks that the Kardashian Hiltons order and drugs that remind them just how awesome they really are still pumping through their veins, these young up-and-comers of the future look, feel and have been snorting lines of cocaine from a toilet cistern while vomiting their nineteenth Sex on a Cosmopolitan Beach cocktail all night long. The urban Canberra scene is dominated by witty banter from these future inheritors of their parents' money, and visitors to the Manuka region are treated to regular four-hour long philosophical debates regarding which R'n'B guy would be the best root, which of their friends' partners they have already rooted, and how pretty each of them are after being on a diet of cheap drugs, Chupa-Chups and rooting for three days straight.
My hash browns are just so post-modern that it hurts.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
The most popular of all the betting games for capital dwellers is taking a punt on the weather. During the weather updates on TV news segments, quickly take a stab at whether Canberra will beat any other state in terms of temperature. Traditionally during winter, Canberra rates quite low in the sunshine stakes, but usually takes bragging rights over our genetically-challenged brothers in Tasmania. 2010 has thrown the capital’s betting into disarray as day after day we saw the Apple Isle’s temperature soar, often reaching double figures without even getting below zero at any stage of proceedings. For once, Canberra felt like the red-headed stepchild of the greatest nation in the world. Millions of Berrans have billions of fingers crossed that during the summer months, Canberra takes its revenge on Tassie and the mercury starts to boil in thermometers from Banks to Gungahlin. It’s a little known fact that Canberra competes with well-known hot spots Queensland, Northern Territory and Western Australia for the title of “fucken hottest place on earth, mate.” For the sneaky punter, don’t be afraid to throw a few bucks down on the ACT for at least a podium finish. Just don’t expect it to last, and time your bets properly.
The Roosters were happy to sign up the Simon Says champion for a three-year deal
This single sentence is the entire introduction to this week’s tips; I hope you enjoy it.
Knights vs Broncos
Normally the Broncs are like your mate who is always up for a beer when you give him a bell. Reliable and fun, but just enough of a knob to make you realise why you don’t hang out with him more often. The Broncos are without Darren Lockyer, which is like your mate drinking too much and taking his pants off in the bar. Still, it’s better to be out with that guy than the
Panthers vs Rabbitohs
Wow, the Panthers really suck right now. Like, a lot. So much so that they don’t deserve to be in fourth place anymore, which is handy, because the Bunnies are going to knock them off that rung this weekend.
Sea Eagles vs Warriors
Imagine if Manly and the Warriors were two guys who had applied for the same job and were being interviewed. The interviewer asks, “So tell me what happened in your last game?” The Warriors bloke says, “Weel bro, we won aginst the Knights, hey, end even though they aren’t heving the most siccissfil seasin, it
Cowboys vs Bulldogs
Everyone loves a bit of comic relief to lighten up a tense situation, but this game is shaping up to be a shambolic showdown of slapstick shenanigans. While it will be entertaining to watch for a few minutes, it probably won’t hold too many people’s attention for a long time. This could be a good game to take the kids to see and show them why you should stay in school. For what it’s worth, I reckon the Cowboys might even be able to rustle up a rare win… and by rare, I mean it will be a long way from “well done.”
Storm vs Sharks
It’s almost impossible to pick how the Storm are going to play anymore. But it’s also impossible to pick the Sharks. Last week they somehow got away with a win against the more-fancied Roosters, but I’ve got a funny feeling that they’ll be finding it hard to sit down after the arse-kicking they’ll receive this week.
Raiders vs Dragons
The Raiders are “that guy” who will talk to anyone that will listen about “the time he beat St George.” What he doesn’t tell you is that when he beat St George, they were missing nine of their regular team. With a bit of work, he could probably step up against the Dragons, and with a bit of luck, might just even win. But no one wants to tell him that he’s a dickhead, because he’ll spend the rest of the night telling you 1,000 reasons why he’s not a dickhead, and most of them will be about the time he beat St George.
Eels vs Tigers
In every high-school movie, there’s the hot jock guy who’s a complete dickwad and he always gets his comeuppance at the end; usually his girlfriend finds out he’s a knob or he gets a bucket of goat poo thrown on him. Both of these teams are those guys and so this will turn out to be a bit of a shit fight. I don’t care who wins, to be honest… but it will probably be the Tigers.
Roosters vs Titans
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Roosters. You know those guys who don’t study for exams but piss it in, don’t work hard and get promoted, don’t exercise and land hot chicks? Those pricks who fall ass-backwards into money without trying, land the first rental place they apply for, get all the green lights when they’re running late and never have a problem when walking through the metal detectors at the airport? The guys whose speeding tickets never arrive and who get waved through the breathalyser? Both of these teams are those guys. Titans to win.
Tip tip tipping on heaven's door...
Friday, August 13, 2010
Broncos vs Eels
The Broncos are like a fine wine that keeps improving with age and is really only appreciated by old people with a lot of money who don’t use it to get drunk on. A tasty, tasty wine. Parramatta, on the other hand, are like a shot of Jaeger. It tastes horrible, costs a shit-tin and gets you legless fairly quickly. The Broncos will leave you with a feeling of superiority over your Jaeger-drinking Eels counterparts as they wake up with no memory of the night before, a wicked hangover and a feeling of worthlessness.
Sharks vs Roosters
For this game, I am likening the Sharkies to a bag of goon. It’s cheap and nasty, and while it will do in a pinch, you don’t want to drink it every night. The Roosters are more akin to a nice scotch – it has a touch of class about it, but secretly you just want to add a dash of Coke to it. Todd Carney’s probably good for a line or two.
Titans vs Cowboys
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Cowboys. Another battle of Queensland pride, so it’s a fight between Powers and XXXX. You can slug XXXX all day; it is mid-strength after all. You do need to drink about six slabs of it before you like the taste of it though. Powers – well who the fuck knows about it? I don’t think anyone’s drunk it since 1984... but I’ll have a schooie of that before I settle for a XXXX.
Bulldogs vs Raiders
The Doggies have a sense of port about them – if you feel like having one, it either means you’ve had way too much to drink already, or you’ve run out of real drinks. Canberra, meanwhile, should be donked into a brown bottle and have a green label slapped onto them. Good ol’ reliable VB. You know every pub will have it, and while it may not be fancy-shmancy, it’s reliable.
Warriors vs Knights
Our kiwi cousins have proven themselves to be like a Bacardi Breezer, while the Knights are an out-of-date light beer with rust around the lid, poured into a dusty glass and costs you $7 for some reason. While you may not admit to drinking a Breezer, you can’t deny that it’s pretty fucking tasty. Just don’t let your mates catch you buying them at the bar and you’ll be fine.
Storm vs Rabbitohs
Ah the Storm... at the moment, the Storm are like wandering into a cocktail bar, picking a sexually-themed summer drink, paying over $20 for the bartender to muddle a pear and pour some vermouth over a mandarin rind and sprinkle it with crushed ice and apple with a pinch of raspberry coulis. It all sounds fancy as fuck, but you're not sure what it’s going to taste like, whether you’re going to enjoy it, and more importantly, if it’s going to get you pissed. Souths are more like propping yourself up on a stool at the RSL and sucking on a couple of Carlton Draughts for a pleasant afternoon. I know which one I’d prefer.
Tigers vs Panthers
Right now, the Panthers are playing like my love affair with bourbon and Coke. By that, I mean that if you see me with the devil’s brew, it is “that time” and you’d better watch out, because I’m probably going to vomit, cry and fall asleep on you. But when I’m at the bar deciding what to order, a bourbon somehow sounds like a good idea – even though I know that it never really is. For this game, I’m having a glass of water with the Tigers. Yes, it’s boring, but it also means that you’re not dragging me to the taxi rank later on.
Dragons vs Sea Eagles
I have been in love with Pure Blonde beer for a while now – it tastes good, isn’t wildly expensive, gets me drunk and has 1/3 the carbs as regular beers. That pretty much sums up the 2010 St George Dragons; even though I will occasionally venture out and have another beer, Blonde knows I will always come back to it. Manly is like a Guinness – there’s only so much that the human body can cope with before it starts to eat itself from the inside. While a Guinness can be quite lovely, it should be reserved for that once-a-year occasion. This isn't it; barkeep - another Blonde, thanks.
Now I’m a bit thirsty.
It’s a long way to tip if you wanna rock and roll.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
As far as people go, these two couldn’t be too much further apart if they tried. Scrubbsy is an old, scummy bloke with a hand-rolled cigarette permanently stuck between his teeth, a pair of tight black jeans from 1986 and a “can-do” attitude. Scrubbsy is a Canberra icon – a beacon of goodwill and entrepreneurialism as he stalks the Dickson traffic lights with his squeegee and bucket, giving car windscreens the once-over that they so often deserve but rarely receive.
Scrubbsy doesn’t do a fantastic job of cleaning windscreens, let’s not get carried away here. He changes the water in his bucket every second Christmas and replaces the squeegee rag even less often, but there’s something about the guy that makes you feel compelled to occasionally let him ‘wash’ your windscreen for the occasional gold coin donation. Even better is when you wave him away and he does it for free anyway. It makes me feel like a celebrity with an old, smelly, unwashed bum for a butler. Sometimes it keeps me awake at night to think that this guy earns way more money than I do.
Eric is a guardian angel. In a corrupt world, Eric stands alone to fight for what is good and right and true. Eric works at the Manuka McDonalds, which I happen to frequent on McHungover Sundays. What sets Eric apart from the other fucked up brats that work in that place is that he actually has a sense of duty when he serves me my ninety thousand cheeseburgers. He actually talks to me and asks what I would like instead of just looking out from under an emo fringe and waiting to be told. He strides over to the chip fryer and packs me a large box of goodness with purpose; he doesn’t stand there nervously picking at the French fries as if they were spiders crawling over the decaying corpse of the lead singer from My Chemical Romance and then wiping his nose on his sleeve before pouring me a Coke.
Eric is a diamond in the rough. The first time he served me, it was his first day. I know this because he told me. He actually apologised for being a bit shit at his job and gave me a reason. To be fair to him, he was better than most of the other kids in there; the Drive-Thru guy was texting on his phone as customers queued up and didn’t even look at the drivers as he passed the brown bag through the window.
This guy needs Eric.
I was worried that this “fuck it, it’s only McDonalds” attitude that the other pricks at Maccas have would rub off on poor Eric. But no. Eric continued to prosper, and the first time I saw him on the Drive-Thru, he practically climbed into my car to make sure I didn’t spill my thickshake and that I had enough napkins. I reckon he hand-picked my McNuggets as well, and made sure no one jizzed in my Big Mac. That’s the kind of guy Eric is.
Thank you Eric, thank you Scrubbsy. Canberra, therefore the world, is a richer place for you being here.
Friday, August 06, 2010
This law has made the occupation of “guy who stands on the side of the road holding the ‘STOP’ sign” the most sought after job in Canberra, edging out public servant, dole bludger and Academy Drink Spiker. In a recent survey of Canberra’s workforce, it was shown that road workers (man with shovel, man riding digger, man with cigarette) are the highest paid people in the nation’s capital, eclipsing lawyers, doctors, rugby players and drug barons – the latter two being the same profession, of course.
Many Canberran children born after the year 2000 have never known a time when there was ever more than one lane of traffic open anywhere in the city. There are also thousands of learner drivers who have received their licenses by being in bumper-to-bumper traffic for the duration of their logbook test, waiting for the man holding the ‘STOP’ sign to turn it around to ‘SLOW’. Many young drivers who make it beyond the city’s limits will find themselves confronted with a road sign that they may never have seen before:
Many local Canberrans who cross the border and see double, triple, even four lanes of open, unimproved road outside of Canberra are never the same again. Psychiatrists have claimed that the "Freedom Overload Syndrome" (FOS) confuses, scares and excites the young Canberran driver's brain, which is incapable of processing the words "End," "Road" and "Work" simultaneously. When FOS is combined with the fact that the driver can now shift into the previously unused fourth gear of their car and drive above 40km/h, most simply turn their car around and re-enter the safety of the labyrinthine detours that Canberra has to offer.
Cowboys vs Broncos
A refreshing twist on the classic western story that hopes to reinvigorate this underrated genre ultimately falls flat as the Cowboys appear to be simply “going through the motions” and cannot match the Broncos for screen presence. Some great direction is on show, but the ending is disappointing and highly predictable. Brisbane have received much-deserved praise for their efforts of late and should be highly regarded as legitimate Oscar favourites.
Titans vs Eels
It’s the CLASH OF THE TITANS… and the Eels in this paint-by-numbers action blockbuster. The Eels rely too much on the ad-lib direction of Jarryd Hayne, who is overshadowed once again by the grit of the entire Titans team, who have shown that they can, in fact, put in a convincing acting performance as a decent football team.
Manly vs Storm
Melbourne’s usual high-quality dramas hit a low-point early this year with Under the Umbrella, a disappointing sequel to the 2002 Canterbury film In the Doghouse. The Manly boys have been hit with a mild reception to what have often been exceptional on-screen appearances, often letting a poor soundtrack detract from the overall experience. This film has ‘underground blockbuster’ written all over it, and while we can expect some fireworks, the Storm will come out on top in a tension-charged final act.
Rabbitohs vs Tigers
The Rabbitohs’ unflappable troupe of Luke, Taylor and Burgess is again split up in this buddy comedy, and the movie suffers considerably. Taylor’s body and Burgess’ head really do leave the other players with too much to do. The Tigers deliver an excellent parody of a football team in what should have been one of the highlights of the year. A good game, but instantly forgettable.
Sharks vs Warriors
It's odd to see two long-term co-stars finally being given roles as leading men, albeit their approach is in completely different ways. The Sharks cheat and bash their way through the film, never quite being as likeable as the Warriors’ cheeky yet dangerous bravado. While it has been a long time since the Sharks have been in any movie that hasn’t involved a fart joke, they will be taken seriously after this role. The Warriors will also earn themselves fans away from home and should pick up the 2 points as well.
Knights vs Bulldogs
This low-budget indie film may appeal to the dedicated few, but I am far from impressed. The Bulldogs should be embarrassed to even be appearing in a film such as this, playing opposite Kurt Gidley’s Knights, but given their low-return on the movies they have appeared in so far this year, they should just consider themselves lucky to still be getting regular gigs. The Dogs will have their day in this clichéd, uninspired drama.
Roosters vs Dragons
After wowing audiences and critics alike with their early performances, the St George Dragons’ shine is starting to come off. Their once-unique style has become dull and predictable, and the box-office returns are beginning to reflect their one-dimensional approach. The Roosters, on the other hand, present state-of-the-art special effects, explosions and the latest digital technology to bring their movies to life. While they have often been accused of trying to do too much within their films, this time they are right on the money and seamlessly blend action, drama and comedy together for one of the most satisfying movies you’ll see.
Raiders vs Panthers
I am still at a loss as to how the Panthers box-office takings are as high as they are, given the quality of the films that they are delivering. While the Raiders’ have had moments of sheer brilliance, they rely too much on unexpected twists within their plots; many of which are either poorly disguised or too convoluted to follow. This time they have hit the right mix, combining a haunting theme tune with some inspired directing for a thrill-a-minute rollercoaster that will make you wonder where their season has gone.
The ultimate weapon in rugby league - six legs, four arms and no head. Pity it's playing for the Sharks
Tip you, tip you very, very much.
Monday, August 02, 2010
The Canberra firewworks display never fails to disappoint
Canberra – by M.E. Breakfast
There’s a place that I love
that is where I call my home,
It’s got everything I need
Right at the Hyperdome.
You can jump onto a bus
And make a hundred new best friends
Who will all ask for a dollar
When the bus ride ends.
The weather’s always nice and warm
Until you go outside
And Kambah is a lovely place
But don’t walk the streets at night.
If a Canberra man plants a tree
Or a farmer buys a cow,
WIN local news will tell us why
And when and where and how.
If you like the quiet life,
Then Canberra’s the place to be,
Especially in our nightclubs
Or if you’re more adventurous
And prefer the great outdoors,
We’ve got action that you can’t believe
In all Blockbuster stores.
We welcome all our visitors
From England to Japan
From every corner of the globe
Except from Queanbeyan.