Thursday, November 28, 2013

Ooogie boogie boogie

Scientists believe that inside each person, there are enough bones to construct almost an entire human skeleton.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Lemon fresh

You know how when you're washing dishes in the kitchen sink, and then you lift a plate out of the water and it creates a little tsunami that gets the front of your shirt wet, and even though you know, "It's just a bit of water, no harm done," it really pisses you off and makes you feel a bit gross about the world? Yeah, I hate that.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


I can't stand it when people have a cold and they try to say the word farm. "Farb. Farb." Just shut up and fuck off.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Thursday, November 21, 2013

the water still beads

Whenever I'm washing my car and my neighbour pulls into his parking spot, there's a scientific certainty that I can predict the future, as soon as I see the big, dumb grin that spreads across his face and he tries to pretend it's not there. I know that he's excited. I know that he has been waiting for this moment. He takes the shopping out of his car and walks past me. I give him my best obligatory nod of greeting. He gets exactly three steps past me, and then he just cannot contain it any more. It comes out like a pent-up secret that he's been keeping for years. "You can do mine next!" "Go fuck yourself... Neighbour. Whatever the fuck your name is." And that, your Honour, is exactly how it happened.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Rubbish Man

I think a good super power would be that whenever you try to throw something in the bin, you always get it in so you don’t have to walk over to the bin and put it in there anyway. I could save seconds each day with this power.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Everybody. Yeah.

While I do appreciate the evolution of technology, sometimes I miss the old stuff and its nuances. Things like when you were on a bus with your discman listening to music, and the fucking thing just kept skipping and skipping and it took you a whole bus ride home to find out that Backstreet was actually back. Alright.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Hi, can I buy you a drink?

It's customary to pick up chicks in a nightclub by offering to buy her a drink. If they haven't finished their current drink, you should wait until it's completely finished before dumping the one you just bought into their glass. If you do not receive the attention you want from the drink recipient, be sure to request that they give the drink back so you can pass the unconsumed portion on to the next most attractive person at the bar.

Friday, November 15, 2013

I own a man bag. I am not ashamed

My man bag contains (at all times): - Steak - John McClane - Toolbox - Dinosaurs Now you can stop asking.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Be like the Fonz

When you're in a bar, it's really cool to wait until a song on the jukebox comes on about buying someone a drink before walking up to a person, giving them a drink and singing along with the words. Don't wait too long for that to happen though; there aren't really many songs like that.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I think he needed a bigger boat

Last year, I was walking along the beach and I heard a man in the water yelling, “Help, shark!” I looked out and sure enough, there was a shark swimming towards him. I couldn’t help but laugh – I had no idea how a shark was going to help him.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Just like every Friday night

Whenever I go out with my three sculpted, multi-racial best friends, I tell them that tonight's going to be a great night and then we clink our drinks together before the scene cuts to a slow-motion shot of us entering a nightclub full of attractive, well-dressed people who can dance and want to have sex with us.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Moist chocolate mudcake

I think if you're going to murder someone, you should bake them a cake beforehand. That way, when the police question you, you can say, "Why would I murder this person? I just made them a cake!" and they wouldn't suspect you of anything except deliciousness.

Saturday, November 09, 2013

Friday, November 08, 2013

I went shopping for a candleholder and came home with a cake

I can’t quite remember when it happened, but there’s a certain age in life when you have absolutely no idea where to look when you’re either singing, or being sung “Happy Birthday” to.

Thursday, November 07, 2013

Mildly inconvenienced

I think a good super villain power to have would be to shoot someone with a ray that makes them get stuck in traffic, but only when they don’t actually have anywhere to be.

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Dry lips

The next time I buy a chap stick, I’m just going to use it twice, then put it straight into the washing machine.  I figure that will save me from having to leave it in my pocket when I wash my jeans.

Friday, November 01, 2013

A need for pie

The other day I thought, "I am hungry and would like to eat a meat pie" because I was hungry and had a hankering to eat a meat pie so I put a meat pie in the microwave and cooked it and then I went to put tomato sauce on it because I like tomato sauce and pies together but when I squeezed the tomato sauce bottle all that came out was that disgusting watery quasi-sauce liquid that sits on top of the sauce in the bottle and went all over my pie and pretty much ruined it and it was the WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.