dort

I think if you lived on top of a traffic light, the "beep beep beep" noise would annoy you at first. But you'd probably get used to it, and eventually you'd be wondering, "Frankly, how did we live without it?"

crispy

One day I saw a small child open a packet of peanut M & M’s and spill most of them onto the pavement. There was an attempt to eat them from the ground, naturally, and a stern “No!” from the accompanying parent, naturally, and tears from the child, again, naturally. A few days later I passed that exact spot and saw the peanuts on the ground; the chocolate had been melted away by the warm Canberra springtime sun. And I thought, you know what? I am a lot like those peanuts. I was once wrapped in a hard chocolate shell and left to sit in the sun, forgotten. And then I thought, you know what? No I’m not. Stupid kids. And then I went and got drunk.

Crispy

One day I saw a small child open a packet of peanut M & M’s and spill most of them onto the pavement. There was an attempt to eat them from the ground, naturally, and a stern “No!” from the accompanying parent, naturally, and tears from the child, again, naturally. A few days later I passed that exact spot and saw the peanuts on the ground; the chocolate had been melted away by the warm Canberra springtime sun. And I thought, you know what? I am a lot like those peanuts. I was once wrapped in a hard chocolate shell and left to sit in the sun, forgotten. And then I thought, you know what? No I’m not. Stupid kids. And then I went and got drunk.

insert witty line here

A really good way to impress your friends is to re-enact the scene in The Wizard of Oz where the Wicked Witch of the West dies.

Simply dig a very deep hole. Whilst wearing a long, flowing robe, stand over your hole. Either wait for it to rain, or for someone to pour water over you. Slowly lower yourself into the hole and scream "I'm melting!" while making sure that the robe covers the hole. Stay in the hole until the applause dies down. If it's raining very heavily, don't stay there for too long or you might catch a cold.