Thursday, August 25, 2016

NRL 2016 Round 25: A Very Special Round

As the 2016 season draws to a close, we should take this time to sit back, close our eyes and reminisce about the great year that we’ve had in rugby league.  Like the time that the Raiders beat the Tigers by 60 points, or when Souths lost to the Raiders by 50.  Or there were the games when the two top teams were beaten in consecutive weeks to Canberra.  We forget about when the bottom-placed team drew with the Green Machine… twice, or when St George managed a rare win in a half-lit stadium against a clumsy Jack Wighton. 
I’m pretty sure those have been the only games this year.  How they stretched that into 25 rounds is beyond me.

Manly fans turn up to the game dressed as blue chairs

 We may have also seen the last of Benji Marshall, who has been informed by St George that his services are no longer required.  When the Dragons tell you that they don’t want you, you know that something has gone horribly wrong in your life.  I feel a bit sorry for ol’ Benj though, as he single-handedly tried to carry the Saints this year, using a strange tactic that employed the “go sideways (slowly) to go forward, as long as someone is actually running forward at some point” mentality.  I hope that Marshall lands himself a media contract out of his career though, as he is eloquent, insightful and still has a wicked haircut. 
Another stalwart of the league seems to have also played his last game, Manly… legend (?) Jamie Lyon, who had a heart the size of Pharlap’s, a gut the size of a pot-bellied pig and a sweating disorder like a couple of 19 year olds on ecstasy.  Lyon’s contract runs out at the end of this year, and was looking forward to leading his team out for a final home-ground farewell this weekend, but has succumbed to an injury to one of his chins and his involvement in the match will be limited to a lap of honour to thank both of the Brookvale fans who turned up.  
Fuck it, might as well invite Brett Stewart and Steve Matai to join him.  I’ve got $10 on Matai limping for at least 80 metres of his farewell lap and then spear tackling a security guard as a fitting tribute to his career.

Round 25 

Bulldogs vs Cowboys

I still can’t believe that the Bulldogs are in fourth place, and the Cows are below them.  This week will set the record straight, and I’m predicting a massive blowout.  The Doggies are going to have a harder night tonight than Des Hasler’s hair dryer. 

Storm vs Broncos

You’d expect that the Broncos would throw everything at the Storm tonight in an attempt to fool themselves (and us) that they are back in form – sorry Brisbane, but I’m not buying your shtick any more.  I wouldn’t be surprised if you fell out of the top eight and didn’t play finals and no one cared (except for Allan Langer).

Manly vs the Green Machine Canberra Milk Raiders

Despite the Raiders losing Blake Austin to a training mishap today (Junior Paulo ate his arm), they should still cruise through this game with a thumping victory.  They will definitely miss Austin’s support play, so it will be interesting to see who, if anyone, takes on that role.  Manly have proven that they don’t care about winning any more this season by naming Dylan Walker in their team, so it wouldn’t be out of the question for these guys to call it off early and hit the pub.  Manly’s shout.    

Titans vs Penrith

A FUCKING NOODLE SCRATCHER OF MAGGI PROPORTIONS.  This game should go down to a Golden Point decider; both teams are equally capable of busting open defence, throwing speccy passes, giving their speed men some space and destroying opposition players in tackles, as well as being evenly matched at throwing ridiculous passes in their own defensive zones, dropping easy balls, missing soft tackles, tripping over the lines painted on the field, forgetting which way they’re going, losing their bus ticket money and SnapChatting their dicks and sending the picture to everyone they know.  When in doubt, all you can do is put your trust in our Lord and Saviour, Hanyesus. 

Sharks vs Roosters

The Chooks have another chance to piss off another top-eight side by beating the second-placed and really-shit-looking Sharkies this weekend, which would allow the mighty fucking Raiders to pogo into SECOND PLACE, bitches.  Woop woop.  I’m raising a full-cream double-strength mocha-latte to the Bondi boys to continue their giant-killing efforts before they all take too many drugs and get arrested, while also wondering… “why didn’t you play like this about 25 rounds ago?”

Warriors vs Tigers

Tigers fans are rejoicing due to the unlikely mathematical chance that they still have of making it into the finals.  This is the best result they’ve had for several years.  Unfortunately for them, it’s about the right time in the season for the Warriors to play well for another two or three weeks, so let’s just focus on next year, hey Tiges?

Knights vs Souths

Way to hit form at the right time of the year, hey Souths?  Well done, you idiots.

Parramatta vs St George

St George’s season was officially put to pasture last week after a pretty ordinary year.  As the old saying goes, “Defence occasionally wins you games when the offense you are up against is inept enough.”  Sometimes you just need to score tries.  You know, like Parramatta.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

NRL 2016 Round 24: Another fucking week

As the NRL rolls into its 24th round this week, we must ponder the question: how the fuck is this season still going?  Honestly, there’s still another fucking three rounds to go before we get to the finals.  I love footy as much as the next bloke who loves footy, but this love of footy only has so much passion, and if it weren’t for the fact that Australia is officially arse-useless at playing cricket right now, I’d be wishing for an early end to the footy year so the summer sport could begin. 

But, like Kieran Foran, we struggle onwards and upwards.  Kieran Foran, for the record, is about to sign with the NZ Warriors, after he bailed on his contract at Parramatta after six games, citing “mental health issues” and a need to “get away from the game” after allegations of match-fixing were brought up.  To be honest, going to the Warriors would be about as good as it could get for Foran if the deal goes through – the whole team “gets away from the game” frequently, often during games, and no one would ever bring up questions about throwing games, as the Warriors have been giving up 20-point half-time leads for years now. 

On the field, it’s business as usual as the Cronulla Sharks and Melbourne Storm begin to choke in the lead-up to the finals.  It’s normal for teams who have a good jump on the rest of the competition to slacken off a bit and coast through their last few games (and claim it’s a “genius coaching innovation”), but they need to stay somewhat motivated so they can pick themselves up once the finals finally begin.  It’s probably a major factor in Cronulla’s previous premiership campaigns, and possibly the biggest factor in their still-empty trophy cabinet.  Regardless of their shitty tactics, imagine having 30 points put on you by the Dragons.  Honestly. 

In keeping with strict NRL traditions, Broncos centre James Roberts was involved in a late night drunken incident in Brissy during the week.  The man who once said that he has “more speed than Oxford Street” in a rare witty interview now apparently has “more booze than the Russian Olympic team” (booze = boos.  See what I did there?  Yeah, go fuck yourselves).  In keeping with strict Brisbane traditions, Roberts will not be punished for another off-field discretion, and will be allowed to play and probably come home to another storey added to his house. 

A rare photo of Steve Matai being put on report.
He injured himself on the way to the judiciary hearing  

Broncos vs Doggies

You could say that the Broncos have turned a corner and are back in the winner’s circle.  You could also say that they were lucky to beat a couple of shit house teams over the last two weeks.  You could also strap the ball onto Corey Oates with Velcro at the moment, and he’d still find a way to drop it.  Despite all of this, I’m tipping the Broncs.  Don’t question me.

Penrith vs Tigerses

Two teams duking it out at the arse-end of the year to make the finals is usually pretty good for spectators looking to see expansive football being played.  Unfortunately, the Tigers are pretty ballsed as James Tedesco is out for the remainder of the season with a broken jaw.  Tedesco’s teeth are straight from ye olde England or South Sydney.  The guy whistles when he runs; it sounds like one of those old Vortex toys.

Knights vs Titans

Some rookie sensation called Jerrod Plane or something kicked a field goal for the Titans to win in golden point last week.  Not sure where this guy has come from, but the Titans are keeping pretty quiet about him.  The word on the street is that Newcastle could cause an upset for this game, but the street has been saying that since about round 4 and I don't trust it any more. 

Manly vs Storm

This game could go one of two ways:  the Storm want to bounce back after being utterly desmolished by the Raiders last week, and flex their muscle against Manly… or they play like arse to allow Manly into the top eight so they have another weak opponent to demoralise in the first week of finals.  Even if the Storm throw this game, I still don’t think Manly will actually have the talent to beat them.  Melbourne by 20.

Cowboys vs Warriors

We all know what should happen in this game.  But we also know what could happen in this game.  In Schrodinger’s NRL, both teams win and lose by 40 points.   

Canberra Raiders Earth’s Mightiest Heroes vs Parramatta

I don’t think that it would be an understatement to say that the Raiders will rack up a cricket score in this match – and not like the current Aussie cricket team, like the full-on early-2000s Australian cricket team with Tugga and Gilly and Ricky Ponting’s goatee.  Jordan Rapana will take 4 wickets and Blake Austin will put on a blistering 60-ball century.

Roosters vs St George

Seriously, no one cares.  I can’t believe St George are still in this comp.  Here’s hoping that the bottom-feeding Roosters will just end this nonsense.  Duganwatch:  Going for 508 days without a try assist.

Souths vs Cronulla

After a couple of weeks without a win, Cronulla will want to bounce back against a disappointing Bunnies team – I really hope that they try just that little bit too hard to be dominant and end up fucking themselves.  Nothing against Cronulla, I just hate them and all that they stand for, but I'll still tip them because I don't trust Souths either.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 23: Well Isn't That Interesting...?

Because everyone is still super psyched about the Census in Australia, I thought I’d find some statistics about the NRL that you can use to impress your friends, astound your workmates, bewilder your family and will have you drowning in the amount of sex that these will get you from random people on the street.

Seven.  The number of players who have been suspended for touching the ref so far this year.  None of these have been Cameron Smith, even though he spends half the game with one hand on the ref’s shoulder and the other hand going to town inside his shorts.  This rule is fucking ridiculous, especially when you take into account dumb fucks like Josh Reynolds, who wasn’t even penalised for deliberately tripping another player again this year for the sixth time in four years – it’s not a dodgy tackle or punching some bloke in the face, this is purposefully kicking your leg out at theirs – and he has done this SIX FUCKING TIMES.  Why aren’t we suspending him for this, or sending him to play for Newcastle?  Reynolds trips more than a guy on acid with his shoelaces tied together and I fucking hate him.

Twelve.  The number of times that Jonathan Thurston has played against the Wests Tigers.  Funnily enough, twelve is also the number of losses that Jonathan Thurston has had when playing against the Wests Tigers.  Every.  Fucking.  One.  It’s fucking weird.  Anyone who plays the Cowboys from here on in should head to Jersey’s Megastore before the game and buy up big in Tiges merchandise. 

Five hundred and one.  The number of days since Josh Dugan registered a “try assist” at club level.  That is, the act of passing a ball to a team-mate who then scores a try.  His most recent effort was in Round 4, 2015.  There are a couple of likely explanations for this though; one is that Dugan is just a selfish prick of a player; or “why would you bother passing to anyone at St George anyway?”

Four.  The number of times I watched the Corey Norman sex tape, which was leaked online this week.  It was all in the name of research.  It was actually a bit difficult to stay completely interested in it anyway, because James Segayaro keeps turning up randomly to cheer on his mate with some tips on how to drink Canadian Club out of a woman’s vagina.  In the interest of not promoting such lewd acts, I have transcribed some of the interaction for you here; I think I have pretty much captured the tone of the event and the personalities of those involved quite well.  WARNING: You may crack a boner reading this.  

James Segeyaro: inaudible
Corey Norman: Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait - is the light on or what?
Girl: softly moans
James Segeyaro: Wait.
Corey Norman: Just wait, yeah here we go, let-- now film me doin' a fuh'. Ya ready?
Girl: Yeah, I'm filming.
Corey Norman: Ready, let me do a fuh' ah-ah fanny here, look, pour it down here, look, let me do a fanny.
Girl: Heavy breathing
James Segeyaro: Duh duh duh duh duh.
Girl: laughs
Corey Norman: swchswchmhhschwwssshhhhwchtwtstwtwtschhhhhewwwwwww
Girl: Uuhhh, so cold.
James Segeyaro: Suck it, brah. Suck it dry.
Corey Norman: Meeeeeoooomm neeeuuuuh a little fenny like nueh.

Twenty three.  The round we're up to. 

Doggies vs Manly

Why is this even a game?  Honestly, this is as if Mark from Accounts and Jacqui (also from Accounts) got together and dated for a few years and then got married just because they were so boring that no one else would go out with them, and they were too polite to break up with each other. 

Brissy vs Parra

Surely to fuck Brisbane are “back” now?  The post-Origin part of the season must be some kind of Wayne-Bennett-inspired bullshit trick to lull opposition in to a false sense of security or something, otherwise there is fuck all reason about why the Broncos are so shit.  Maybe they all just really hate each other?  If I played on that team, I’d probably hate them too.  At least they'll all be happy playing on Friday night again.
PS.  Something something Parramatta.  Can’t possibly get any worse for them.

Tigers vs Jarryd Hayne

Apparently, it’s all up to the mighty Jarryd “Red Button” Hayne to drag this Gold Coast team into the finals, despite the fact that just one year ago, he was lining up as a running back for the 49ers in the NFL.  Now he’s been named at five-eighth for the Titans in his second game back in the NRL, in a game that will probably end one team’s 2016 run.  No pressure though.

Warriors vs Souths

Greg Inglis returned from a three-week ban last week to lead Souths to another loss.  Most Souths fans didn’t really expect to see Inglis back in action on the field until State of Origin Game 1 in June next year anyway.  Souths are a perfect example of what happens when you spend all of your money on three players – the other 10 blokes on the field are rubbish because you got them at Hot Dollar.  Prediction:  Warriors 40, Souths 6, with Adam Reynolds to fake another ACL injury because he hates this fucking team and its stupid fucking coach.  

Dragons vs Sharks

The Dragons are continuing with Benji Marshall eh?  Welp… good luck with that.  Sometimes you might as well just flog that dead horse, you know, to really make sure it's dead.  Rumours are that Parramatta are looking to sign Benji for next year.  This is presumably because they know that Benji is too old to bother going out to take pingers at the Casino at 3am, film himself having sex with prostitutes, to dream of playing another sport, to be poached by another team, to gamble irresponsibly or to skip the country.

Knights vs Panthers

Knights:  Oh hey Penrith, how’s it going?
Penrith:  Good thanks Knights – hey good luck for the game. 
Knights:  Thanks, you too.  You know, this season hasn’t been great for us, but I reckon that if we can just keep a few of our young players coming through and work on some combinations over the next season or two—
Penrith:  Yeah sorry mate, look, no offence, but we’re really going to beat you convincingly today, you know, like everyone else this year?  I don’t want to look stupid in front of the other teams.
Knights:  Oh no problem at all!  Sorry to hold you up – if there’s anything else that you need, just let me know.  As I said to the Bulldogs last we –
Penrith:  Yeah, see you later.

Roosters vs Cowboys

Holy shit, it has finally happened.  Aiden Guerra has finally been dropped after a torrid season of torridness, which has seen him go from Australian and State of Origin representative to not quite being able to make a 17-man squad for the motherfucking Roosters.  It makes me feel pretty okay about the fact that I have never been dropped by a struggling rugby league team.

World Dominating Canberra Raiders vs Storm

What a difference a week in rugby league makes – in one round, four of the top five teams were found to be absolute rubbish:  the Storm struggled against an out-of-sorts Rabbitohs team, the Cowboys got spooked by the Tigers, the Bulldogs were as unconvincing as Ben Hunt under a high ball and the Sharks were confirmed premiership pretenders.  Enter the motherfucking Mighty Morphing Power Raiders, who seem to have overcome their defensive lapses of the last 20 years and are actually doing enough to give the finals a red hot crack.  With the most in-form and dangerous backline in the universe wreaking havoc, Will Chambers must be considering following his dream to play amateur baseball in USA and just leave the country immediately. 

When BJ Leilua wants to play "Janet Jackson", you just go along with it 

Friday, August 05, 2016

Thursday, August 04, 2016

NRL 2016 - Round 22: Surely it can't get any worse for Parramatta

It has been about two weeks since Jarryd Hayne had a dream to change sports, and now he’s back in the NRL after signing a deal worth a reported $1.2 million PER MOTHERFUCKING YEAR to play for the Gold Coast Titans.  He had dreamed of representing the Gold Coast ever since he was a boy – the Seagulls, the Giants, the Chargers, the Crushers, and finally it comes true as he pulls on the Titans’ colours.  With the number of dreams that Jarryd has had lately, it makes sense for him to have packed up and moved closer to Dreamworld.
Since we last saw Hayne, he led his Fijian team to win the World Rugby 7’s tournament, which he starred in by playing about seven minutes throughout the week-long event, dropping balls and missing tackles so much that the four Burgess brothers are considering following their dreams to represent Fiji in a non-Olympic sport as well. 
His form obviously caught the eye of Australian rugby, and after being dropped leaving the Fijians to pursue his next dream of being a Pokemon Master, had chats with the Waratahs, who swiftly rejected the former “49ers star running back” (drink). 
What does this latest signing mean?  Fuck knows, but it has pissed off a lot of Parramatta fans, because he always said that once his NFL career never began fell apart was over, that he would return to his beloved Eels.  I can’t help but notice that the Gold Coast Titans are not the Parramatta Eels. 
I’m actually more disappointed for the Titans, to be honest.  They have really turned up this year, and have done surprisingly well for a team without any, you know, good players.  It would be great to see a bunch of idiots like that stick together for the next few years and really grow as a unit, and make a champion team – not a team of champions.  Hang on, I’m getting all Emilio Estevez on myself here quack quack quack ducks fly together!  Anyway, Hayne will no doubt put some bums on seats, but will have to shed the baby fat that his NFL days put on, lose the “kick and clap” mentality that rugby union gave him, and realise that this is not the Parramatta team of 2009 that rely solely on him to compete.  He might also want to at least pretend that he’s happy to have signed with the Titans; at the moment, he sounds like a bloke on a first date who just keeps talking about his ex-girlfriend.  
At least he can tick off another dream: to become the highest paid NRL player ever, despite, you know, not playing NRL.  Or fuck it, he’ll be back in front of the media next week after discussions with the Heat, Suns, Bulls, Roar, Firebirds and Bandits.   

The Titans are being a bit coy about their new signing.

The return of Hayne has undoubtedly taken the gloss off the other big NRL story of the year:  Parramatta’s statement writer has left his position.  

Hayne has been everywhere this week, including on last night's RBT, posing as a middle-aged Indonesian man

St George vs Broncos

Ever since a video of some unnamed Broncos players doing lines of cocaine came out, Brissy have been playing absolute balls.  For their sake, I hope that they’ve been able to find a new dealer, because they play a lot better when they’re on the gear. 

Parra vs Manly

If these two teams could talk:  “Oh, hi Parra.”  “Hey Manly.”  *awkward silence*  “Uh, how’s it going?”  “Um yeah, pretty good.  How are you?”  “Not bad thanks.  Yeah, not bad.”  *awkward silence*  “Not bad at all.”  “Yeah.”  *awkward silence*  “You?”  “Yeah, pretty good thanks.”  *checks phone*  “Sorry mate, I have to take this.  I’ll talk to you later.”  “No worries, cheers.  See you then.”  END SCENE. 

Knights vs Doggies

You kind of keep hoping that the Knights will somehow manage to bumble out another win this year, but it probably won’t be this week.  The Dogs will be (1) embarrassed that they almost got beaten by the Dragons last week, and (2) trying to stay in touch with the top four teams.  Here’s a Ripley’s Believe it or not fact for your face:  they are actually tied fourth with the Cowboys.  I have checked this twice, it stands up as admissible evidence. 

Sharks vs Mighty Motherfucking Raiders

The Hayneless Titans managed to put a big ol’ stick in the spokes of the Sharks’ BMX last week, ending their winning streak by keeping the competition leaders to a draw.  This week, the Raiders are going to go one better and do a massive powerslide right into them, knock them into the curb and then do a mono down the road.  Sorry Cronulla fans (Mrs Gallen), your slide from the top begins this weekend.

Storm vs Rabbitohs

I know I say it every week, but what the fuck is doing at the Rabbitohs this year?  2016 has been the biggest bunny massacre since Watership Down, and at least those guys actually tried to fight back.  I’ll give you a sneak preview of this game:  “Souths really need to score off this set to stay in the game…  knocked on by Burgess.” 

Titans vs Warriors

This will no doubt be the biggest crowd that the Titans have ever pulled, with reports that Hayne will pull on a jersey and have a crack with his new club.  If I was the young bloke in the team who had played the previous 21 rounds and got bumped for this prima donna to fuck up the Titans’ finals chances, I’d be pretty pissed.  Thanks for your time and captaincy, Will Zillman.  Good luck in the NFL, I guess. 
PS.  I still think the Titans will win.

Tigers vs Cowboys

Pick of the Week goes to the Cowboys for this round.  Put your first-born on it (note: Sportsbet do not accept children as payments). 

Penrith vs Roosters

The Roosters seem to be having way more fun fucking up other teams at the end of the season when it doesn’t count than they did during the actual competition when they really needed to win a few games.  I have changed my tip a few times for this one, weighing up factors such as home ground advantage, injuries, points differentials, kicking success, tackling statistics, preferred try-scoring areas compared to defensive weaknesses, but in the end I just tipped “whoever is playing the Roosters.” 

I love Wikipedia

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

My Life is a Movie of the Day

It's no problem if I ever forget my keys, as I usually just shoot out the lock and kick the door open.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Thought of the Day

There's a fine line between using the right amount of strength to open a packet of chips without having them explode everywhere, and looking like you're really struggling, and it has nothing to do with ruffles.

Monday, August 01, 2016

Food Review of the Day

Bunnings Warehouse, Fyshwick

Around 12pm

Cold as fuck

Hangover Rating:

I have always looked at the Scouts with a mixture of emotions, ever since my best friend in Year 2 invited me to join his Scouts club, but my parents said no.  As I grew up, I often wondered what kind of person I would have become if my dad had allowed me to go camping with a bunch of other idiot 8 year olds and a man with questionable motives.

On Saturday, that question was answered.  I would have become a socially inept shell of a teenager who couldn't cook a barbecue to save their lives.  I thought the Scouts was about "being prepared" and you'd get your "Cooking Badge" and you helped old ladies across the street.  No siree, not any more.

Be prepared?  Total lack of preparation from the Scouts on this occasion - someone had obviously taken home the leftovers from the last barbecue fundraiser they had and chucked them into the bottom of their deep freeze.  I'm all about sausage preservation, but when the snag has that frostbitten taste to it, and the bread of your sausso sanger is still frozen hard, I am not impressed.  All it would have taken was a little thawing out prior to cooking, and as for the tundra bread, well... save it for your next adventure into the hinterlands of Michelago, or bung it into a toaster at Scoutmaster Steve's next breakfast soiree.  

I'm not entirely up-to-speed with the Scouts' comings and goings, so I was sad to learn about the apparent Onion Shortage of 2016, where each sausage sandwich was waved over a plate that onion once sat on.  Onion is a very important aspect of the snag sizzle, especially if your snaggos and bread are below average, so to have the barest taste of onion was pretty unforgivable in this situation.  

But the nail in the coffin came when dealing with the kid taking orders.  I'm all for equal opportunity treatment, but if I had a mute at my disposal, I probably wouldn't put them at the only job that actually requires customer interaction.  My message to him "two with onion please" washed over his face like I'd just mentioned that my phone's battery seemed to be holding charge better than it used to, as he stood there with a confused expression on his face, slowly nodding.  In the end, I had to nudge him to make sure he was still awake and give him his next line, "$5 thanks."  Fuck knows how I ever ended up with a couple of sangers, as no one actually acknowledged me, and on this occasion, it probably would have been better if I didn't.

Poor form, Scouts.  3/10