tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-92857582024-03-13T11:26:32.168+11:00Mister Evil BreakfastA whole bunch of stuff that rarely involves anything to do with breakfast.Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.comBlogger840125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-11786355549460538052020-10-02T16:38:00.000+10:002020-10-02T16:38:32.749+10:00NRL 2020 - Finals Week 1<p>It's finals week in the NRL, so that means it's time to knuckle down at training, perfect backline movements, get tougher in defence, grab a random doctor to falsify a blood test in a car park and prescribe some valium under a different name to bring us all down after a week of hoovering up ketamine and assaulting our pregnant wives (note: allegedly) before we hit the field for some top-class rugby league. </p><p>In a story that just couldn't come at a better time, Souths are in some shit for covering up the antics of former player Sam Burgess, who has seemingly relinquished his "English larrakin" moniker in place of "Fuckin grubby cunt" as documents have come to light about rampant drug use, domestic violence, and the lengths that the South Sydney club went to in order to cover it all up. It's not a great look for the sport, and couldn't come at a worse time since we finally got Brisbane a wooden spoon and everyone was happy. </p><p>Unfortunately it's not the first time that Souths have been involved in covering up a couple of handy misdemeanours, with Greg Inglis, Luke Burgess, John Sutton and Cody Walker all benefitting from being swept under the rug - and based on the size of those players, that's either a really big rug, or some amazing sweeping. You just wouldn't get that kind of service from a Roomba. </p><p>Sam has reportedly denied the allegations, although no one could really understand a word of what he said, possibly due to his thick accent and the fact that he was sucking on a Chupa Chup at the time. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WgK_goyKyQc/X3bKRvVL6SI/AAAAAAAAFaw/T7ZEug_5bdkZMYrxGRE-kCp_dbk-4xyMQCLcBGAsYHQ/s500/Green.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="405" data-original-width="500" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WgK_goyKyQc/X3bKRvVL6SI/AAAAAAAAFaw/T7ZEug_5bdkZMYrxGRE-kCp_dbk-4xyMQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Green.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>This is what my blog has come to - memes</b></span><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;"><b>Finals Week 1</b></h3><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>Penrith Panthers</b><span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Sydney Roosters</span></h4><p>The Panthers wrapped up the minor premiership with a standard 40-point flogging of the Bulldogs last week, just in time to take on the reigning premiers in the Sydney Roosters, fresh after conceding 60-points last week. It will be interesting to see if they can bounce back from such a shellacking, and knowing the fucking Roosters, they fucking will. However, I'm going to stick with the Panthers, as they have been the form team all year, and they deserve to go all the way to the Granny before getting destroyed by someone like the Raiders. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>Canberra Milk Mighty Raiders gorn piss off </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Cronulla Sharks</span></h4><p>It was an interesting match up last week when these teams played each other, with both outfits opting to pit their players' children against each other instead of risking injury to their established first-graders. This week, both teams have unsurprisingly named full-strength sides in what should be a much different affair but with a strangely similar outcome. Raiders by twelve million. Easy peasy, mofos. Put your house on it and buy twelve million more when it pays off.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>Melbourne Storm </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Parramatta Eels</span></h4><p>Oh dear Parra, how did you even get here? For a team to have been as rubbish as the Eels have been for so long, it's hard to work out how they even managed to stay in the top 4 all year. I'm just going to assume that they changed the ladder on NRL.com and no one noticed or cared. I cannot even imagine this going any other way but a comprehensive Melbourne win. If the Eels do somehow manage to win this, they should also win Australia's Got Talent for their dedication to impersonating a shithouse footy team for about four months.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>South Sydney Rabbitohs </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Newcastle Knights</span></h4><p>I hope Newcastle have their <a href="https://www.foxsports.com.au/nrl/nrl-premiership/nrl-2020-darius-boyd-gender-reveal-brisbane-broncos-yvonne-okeefe-wooden-spoon-karl-morris/news-story/4a259e167970e10555ec9e5469517b64">gender-reveal footballs ready to punt into the crowd</a>, because that's about the only thing they'll be celebrating this weekend. I don't see them causing too much trouble this weekend, or any other weekend really, unless Mitch Pearce wants to head out on the town with Sammy Burgess. Souths have a bit of a tumultuous weekend to put at the back of their mind to focus on the footy, but as history shows, they are quite good at ignoring the big issues. </p>Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-83295148409659832462020-09-24T12:28:00.000+10:002020-09-24T12:28:11.025+10:00NRL 2020 Round 20: Mad Monday Eve<p>Well, we did it. We managed to make it through an entire year of National NRL Rugby League, and we only had half a dozen players arrested; probably because the rest of them are in wheelchairs or have broken necks or are still working through their Head Injury Assessment tests.</p><p>The more astute readers may have noticed that I did not have a blog for last round. The less astute of you may not have realised that I actually do write this every week, and the least astute may not have even known that this blog even exists, or know what "astute" means. Let's just say that I did manage to pick last week's full round of winners as well as correctly guessing each winning margin. So basically, just another day for me really.</p><p>This round marks the end of the regular NRL season, so "thanks for coming" to the rabble propping up the ladder and making the Sharks occasionally appear as an almost decent team of satisfactory players performing to the absolute bare minimum at random points this year. Better luck next year, maybe you guys could try sacking your coach more often, or even get some results out of marquee players that you're paying millions of dollars instead of rewarding them with Ooshies for them to not influence the game at all. I have a glitter Mandalorian Ooshie, by the way. Don't be jealous. </p><p>We will also farewell a deadset legend of the game, whose career at Origin level was unparalleled, and his efforts on the field - not just in terms of ball playing, but his leadership and sportsmanship - were testaments to the legacy that he is leaving behind. Tim Glasby, thank you for your service.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0kgSn96wXNk/X2v2QiIdU6I/AAAAAAAAFaI/r75gmGQ3K48ozdjKn_3yIgYybRZnBdFVACLcBGAsYHQ/s800/Glasby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0kgSn96wXNk/X2v2QiIdU6I/AAAAAAAAFaI/r75gmGQ3K48ozdjKn_3yIgYybRZnBdFVACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Glasby.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Tim Glasby - QLD forward and part time speed bump has announced his retirement</b> <br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p>Round 20 will also see the final appearance of Darius Boyd, as he sets himself for a swansong performance of arm waving and appealing to the referee for one last time as a player. During his long career, Darius has actually been described as "pretty good", which is a fair way off from his form over the last couple of seasons, where he looked more like the player I am controlling in a FIFA video game when I forget which colour I am, but hold down the "sprint" button for the entire game. </p><p>The last round of the season is always a tricky one to pick, as the sides leaving the comp have nothing but pride, contract negotiations and SuperCoach points to play for, and the sides heading into finals are just trying to avoid having their best players' ACLs getting shifted up their bumholes, so they rest them and name a bunch of blokes from the pub to play instead. </p><h3 style="text-align: left;"><b>Round 20</b></h3><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Brisbane Broncos vs</span><b> North Queensland Cowboys</b></h4><p>Well this is it - the first chance that the Broncos have to take out the Wooden Spoon since their inception in 1988. It's not every game that the Cowboys are favourites to win - probably because they're fucking terrible - but they will have the support of every Bronco-fucking-hating NRL punter in Australia, plus a few pissed-off Brissy supporters, to make sure that they end this dismal season for the Horsies in the way they deserve.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>Gold Coast Titans </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Newcastle Knights</span></h4><p>The Tits have actually been doing really well the last few games, and have strung together four wins in a row, not only breaking a Gold Coast record, but also winning their first ever match of Connect Four. This one could be an interesting match, as the Knights are struggling for consistency and will be desperate to prove themselves as contenders, and the best way to do that is to beat up a kid smaller than you.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">South Sydney Rabbitohs vs </span><b>Sydney Roosters</b></h4><p>The Roosters have named a pretty full-strength side to take on the Bunnies in a game that means literally fuck all, so we could be seeing a fairly relaxed approach to the game; look for Luke Keary to avoid all forms of contact. Also look for Liam Knight to go hunting for him. Fuck it, no one likes Knight anyway, so he might as well kill a bloke.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Canterbury Bulldogs vs</span><b> Penrith Panthers</b></h4><p>In a perfect world, the Doggies would win this one to ensure that Brisbane finish last. In the real world, though, they'll probably lose by 20. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>Cronulla Sharks </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canberra Raiders</span></h4><p>The Raiders are pulling no punches this week, naming superstars like Matt Timoko and Matt Frawley (and probably other blokes not called Matt too) to take on the all-conquering Cronulla team. Fun fact: if the Sharks win, it will be their first victory over a side in the top eight all year. I'm tipping Cronulla to win this one; the Raiders' side has less first-grade experience than Soliola has had facial fractures this year.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wests Tigers vs</span><b> Parramatta Eels</b></h4><p>Ugh, this game is going to suck. Two teams so desperate to regain a semblance of domination is going to lead to wild cut-out passes into the fourth row of the crowd and ridiculous tackles. It could be entertaining, but in the same way that watching cock fights is; you're only in it for the cultural experience and free nuggets at the end.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>New Zealand Warriors </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Manly Sea Eagles</span></h4><p>Go you Warriors. A tough year for them, after being forced into lockdown in a foreign country where they don't speak the language or understand the nuances behind our culture, being forced to watch <i>The Masked Singer </i>only to have the final reveal be the chick who used to go out with Brax on <i>Home and Away </i>about ten years ago. It's been rough. The Sea Eagles have also had their fair share of bad luck, with Turbo Tom Trbojevic being rushed back from snapping his leg in half last week, only to rip his arm off. Luckily, he has still declared himself "fit for Origin", so coach Freddy Fittler will have a tough decision to make in how he announces that Turbo will not be required to leave his iron lung prematurely. I'd do it by text, myself, but that's because I'm a purist.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">St George Dragons vs </span><b>Melbourne Storm</b></h4><p>Oh god can this season just end please? Wait, it is. The Storm have named a less-than-100% team for this hit out, but I don't think they will be troubled too much in any case; remember when the Dragons <a href="https://www.foxsports.com.au/nrl/nrl-premiership/teams/dragons/nrl-2020-st-george-illawarra-dragons-paul-mcgregor-training-session-ben-hunt-corey-norman/news-story/68322113628c81807be75c91a6f17893">lost against their own reserve-grade side</a>? I do. It wasn't even that long ago.</p><p><br /></p>Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-28908907685693146352020-09-11T15:24:00.003+10:002020-09-11T15:24:38.971+10:00NRL 2020 Round 18: Classic Chad<p>In nature, there are traditionally two schools of thought on how best to survive in the wild - fight or flight. Basically explained, it describes how you would react in a confrontation; depending on your position in the food chain, it might be better to evade predators by running or flying away, climbing a tree, or hiding. For others, they have found that the best form of defense is attack, and will use their size or strength to overcome a predator. An antelope, for instance, will run away when a lion is sniffing around, whereas a rhinoceros would most likely challenge a predator to a bit of argy-bargy instead of resorting to a quick jog to safety.</p><p>In the NRL, players have a similar approach to their work. Some are more adept at flight, such as Josh Addo-Carr, who is roughly on par with The Flash, while others like Josh Papalli would prefer to just knock over anyone in his path. </p><p>There are certain special players though, who possess both the fight and flight instincts, such as Chad Townsend. Chad made headlines this week following his "tackle" on Kalyn Ponga during last week's loss to Newcastle. I have included a clip below. <i>note: I have been made aware that some video clips aren't showing up on mobile phones when accessing this blog, so you might be wondering what the fuck I'm talking about when I slip a video in. I don't know what to do, I've asked Bill Gates, Zuckerberg and that Wozniak bloke to look into it.</i></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/rckCWXd3th4" width="320" youtube-src-id="rckCWXd3th4"></iframe></div><br /><p></p><p>When questioned about his controversial hit on Ponga, which was performed from an offside position, in an illegal shoulder-charge, was aimed at the head, and delivered after the play had actually been stopped, Chad's response was that he was startled by the referee's whistle, and he leapt into the air just as Ponga was coming towards him. He braced for impact and that's what caused the ugly contact. So what we have here, nature lovers, is Chad Townsend attempting to take off and fly away from danger while simultaneously attacking the head of the person or object nearest to him. It's a unique evolutionary trait, and is probably slightly more useful than flinging poo at people.</p><p>There is an argument, however, that if the sound of a whistle scares you that much, maybe being a professional football player is not the best career choice. Other jobs Chad should avoid in the future include directing traffic, being a marching band instructor, train conductor, anything to do with birds, and playing Captain Von Trapp in <i>The Sound of Music. </i></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Round 18</h3><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wests Tigers vs</span> South Sydney Rabbitohs</h4><p>The Rabbits were very impressive last week, and should carry on the job again this round. I am expecting them to sprint out to a 20-0 lead before ordinary defensive efforts close to the line let the Tigers back into it. Alex Johnston is usually a good bet to score a bunch of tries, but will probably lose control of a simple pass with an unchecked path to the tryline with about five minutes to go. Nevertheless, the Bunnies will hold on and probably win by 2. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Canterbury Bulldogs vs </span>Manly Sea Eagles</h4><p>The fairytale we all want is for the Broncos to win their first ever Wooden Spoon, and in order for that to happen, the Bulldogs need to win at least one more game. It's up to Manly to keep the dream alive, but because it's Manly, they'll probably win this game to annoy everyone.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Penrith Panthers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Parramatta Eels</span></h4><p>The Panthers put on a deadset training run last week, and still managed to comfortably win, rarely spreading the ball to their strike players and just hitting the ball up for some safe, albeit boring, football. Hopefully this week they try to stave off the snoozefest and pump the everliving fuck out of the Eels.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">St George Dragons vs</span> Mighty Fuckoff Canberra Raiders</h4><p>The Dragons are not to be underestimated - they have managed to put in some decent performances this year, and have been mostly competitive despite, you know, losing a lot. I'm hoping that the Raiders use this game as an opportunity to bounce back from last week's disappointing loss and fuck some shit up. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Gold Coast Titans vs </span>Brisbane Broncos</h4><p>It's a true battle for Queensland supremacy as the perennial "little brother" Titans aim to continue the season of woe for the wonky donkey Broncos. I'm predicting a huge step up from Brissy this week, and I feel terrible, but I am going to tip them. I'm sorry. I feel like I've let everyone down. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Sydney Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Newcastle Knights</span></h4><p>The Roosters struggled through 70 minutes of football last week, relying on Sonny Bill Williams to come on for 10 minutes to inspire them. I think most people in the world were in awe of SBW, to be honest, including people who have never seen him before, or even know what rugby league is. Fun fact: Sonny Bill can cure coronavirus and restore people's faith in Christmas simply by sitting on the bench all game.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Melbourne Storm <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs North QLD Cowboys</span></h4><p>This one could get embarrassing for the Cows. Here's hoping.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Cronulla Sharks vs</span> New Zealand Warriors</h4><p>Carn you Warriors. Everyone's favourite "they're not my team, but I hope they do well" team, while Cronulla are quickly becoming everyone's favourite "they're not Manly, but I hate them just as much" team. Both teams are still vying for a spot in the finals, and to be honest, it won't matter which one makes it through as they will be eliminated in the first round anyway. But uh... go Warriors.</p><p><br /></p>Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-57766539302475876052020-09-03T15:48:00.006+10:002020-09-03T16:36:41.328+10:00NRL Round 17: Thank you, Brisbane<p> It's pretty rare that other NRL clubs would thank another team at any point during the season, but I think a few might need to send a bottle of wine and a box of Cadbury's Favourites over to the Brisbane Broncos once the 2020 season has come to a broken, bloodied end. </p><p>Teams like the Bulldogs and the Cowboys should fire up the barbecue and invite a few of the Broncs around for a couple of snags and a few beers while the cricket is on, and thank them personally for being not only fucking terrible, but for being so fucking terrible that they have basically been able to be just as fucking terrible but not have anyone really give a fuck. The fact that both the Dogs and the Cows have fired their coaches is completely irrelevant; they didn't perform before they were sacked, and they haven't performed since. If this was a Scooby Doo episode, Fred and the gang would have tied up Paul Green to remove his mask and reveal that it was <i>the entire Cowboys squad all along. </i>And they would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling opposition players. Zoinks and jinkies.</p><p>The Broncos not only haven't been winning an awful lot this year, it's not even the way that they have been losing that's amazing to watch, it's the shit that is going on in the in-bred Game of Thrones-style boardroom management sessions behind the scenes that's the real story. The coach had the"full support" of the Broncos board, then he had five games to turn the season around, then he was fired a week later. The team is about as divided as any sporting club could ever be, with senior players breaking rank to talk shit about the coach to the media, fucking about with obvious isolation restrictions, ripping up their contracts to head off to other clubs, threatening to leave and then having the poorest judgement to talk to the media and admit that illegal third-party-payments were missing. Meanwhile, the same bunch of fucking idiots are turning up and putting on a jersey every week, missing tackles and dropping balls and not giving a flying fuck, because they still get their money at the end of the day, regardless of how often they're getting fucked over by 50 points.</p><p>At least the other teams fighting it out to win the Wooden Spoon this year occasionally look like they're trying, and shit performances aren't ignored by the "old boys" running the club because half the team buys their coke off them anyway.</p><p>I mean, that's probably a bit much to thank a few guys for over a burnt sausage and a chicken skewer that still has flecks of alfoil sticking to it, but they could probably build up to that by the second innings of the cricket (Australia in early trouble, but put on a respectable total thanks to a middle-order fightback from Smith and Labuschange, by the way). </p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Round 17</h3><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Brisbane Broncos vs</span> Penrith Panthers</h4><p>If this was a Disney movie about the determined underdog coming up against the high-flying contenders, the Broncos would still lose. If the Panthers turn up and don't get distracted in the second half like they've been doing lately, we could see a new world record set tonight. Kikau and Crichton will be the first players to score 10 tries each in a game. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Newcastle Knights vs</span> Cronulla Sharks</h4><p>Newcastle have been playing like balls lately, and I'm pointing a big fat finger at Mitchell Pearce and Kalyn Ponga, who are both starting to believe their own hype and wondering why the defense isn't parting like Moses through the Red Sea. Probably because they're not Jesus' second cousin or however Moses got his super powers in the Bible. I skipped the part between Genesis and Revelations. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">South Sydney Rabbitohs vs </span>Melbourne Storm</h4><p>This game has the definite possibility of maybe becoming a potential candidate for what may be perhaps the Game of the Round. The Rabbits looked shit hot last week, and could surprise the Storm here. I'm tipping the Storm, but only because I just need to get this done really quickly and it's the Storm, so... you know. They do tend to win a lot.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Manly Sea Eagles vs</span> Wests Tigers</h4><p>Nobody cares about this game, probably not even the players. They should just play against each other in a game of Rugby League Live on Playstation and I think it would provide more entertainment.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Mighty Canberra Milk Raiders WOO vs</span> Sydney Roosters</h4><p>Well, the countdown to Sonny Bill's NRL revival is almost over, with Fox Sports delivering us a channel dedicated to what will most likely be Sonny Bill sitting on the bench for sixty minutes before copping a Hudson Young special right in the retina. Welcome back, you fucking slug. I also think the Roosters will win, and that makes me sad. The Raiders have been too slow to wake the fuck up in games this year, and they can't afford to hit the snooze button against this bunch of show pony pretty boys. I reckon we'll hurt a few Chooks players in the meantime though.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">New Zealand Warriors <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Parramatta Eels</span></h4><p>Well the Eels have let everyone down lately. I'm not only mad, I'm also disappointed and hungry. Here's fucking cheers to a Warriors win. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">North Queensland Cowboys vs</span> St George Illawarra Dragons</h4><p>Well, someone has to win, right? Why not the slightly less shit team?</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4Oo9F9jzwJE/X1CDkNpRu-I/AAAAAAAAFZE/fD60FLZhC1M7qQlsRwYPmjjS0qaQGTnYACLcBGAsYHQ/s744/Starling.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="744" data-original-width="741" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4Oo9F9jzwJE/X1CDkNpRu-I/AAAAAAAAFZE/fD60FLZhC1M7qQlsRwYPmjjS0qaQGTnYACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Starling.png" /></a></div><br /><p><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">My new man-crush at the Raiders, Mr Tom Starling. He's also about a foot shorter than me, so I can still be big spoon.</span></b></p>Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-32897793459841842542020-08-27T17:00:00.005+10:002020-08-27T17:00:42.070+10:00NRL 2020, Round 16: It's Death on a Stick Out There<p>The title of this week's blog is a quote from the greatest movie ever made about an FBI investigation into a group of surfing bank robbers, Point Break, starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. Don't worry about the remake, by the way, it's complete fucking rubbish. It's not even fun in a "so bad it's good" way, it's just shit from start to finish. When Gerard Butler doesn't want to be involved in a movie and chooses to do <i>London Has Fallen</i> and <i>Hunter Killer </i>instead, you know things are going to be bad. Fucking hell, it was really shit. Nothing about it was good, at all. Even the sky diving and wing-suit bits were fucked, how the fuck can you make travelling at a million miles an hour appear boring?! Not to mention Johnny Utah's ridiculous back story - an FBI agent who used to be a fucking motocross rider? It just makes no sense, especially since motorbikes weren't even used in the fucking movie! </p><p>I just need to take a break for a bit. I might lie down or watch <i>Speed</i> or something to take my mind off things for a while.</p><p><br /></p><p>Ok. I'm all right now. </p><p>Sadly, <i>Point Break </i>doesn't reference rugby league at all, but the reference to "death on a stick" is quite an apt description of the current state of play when it comes to injuries at the moment. When it comes to playing professional contact sport, you expect the occasional injury - a concussion from an errant arm, a busted shoulder from a mistimed tackle on a bloke the size of a fridge, or a sore hand from scoring tries against the Broncos for nine weeks straight. This year the league has seen a huge number of injuries, ranging from the usual things like broken skulls to hamstring tears, but also a lot of anterior cruciate ligament (ACLs) - which is basically the bit that holds your leg together and is very handy when it comes to standing, walking, and in the case of certain Souths players, fly-kicking some blokes during a street brawl. </p><p>A lot of people are blaming the "six-again" rule for the spate of injuries due to the increased speed of the game, others are looking at the playing surface, some are questioning tackling tactics and techniques, players' fitness is being scrutinised, the playing schedule has copped some blame, a few people are also looking suspiciously at the Storm for being involved in it somehow. Basically, injuries will happen in sport. A lot of the time, it's an innocuous tackle, or a slight change in direction or shift in weight that just throws the whole fucking human body out of whack. Other times, it's an obvious one like a knee that bends backwards because you've got a walrus masquerading as a footy player jumping around on it. Welcome to 2020, the Year of Fuckedness; if you just make it through the season alive, you should be thankful. The NRL Grand Final is probably going to be decided by whichever two teams can actually produce 13 players, or provisions will have to be made to have wheelchairs on the field. At worst, allowances for two non-players to carry around another player <i>Weekend At Bernies-</i>style should be looked at. </p><p><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Round 16</h3><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Parramatta Eels vs </span>South Sydney Rabbitohs</h4><p>The Eels have cooled off so much recently that they're in danger of catching hypothermia, while Souths are coming in like space blankets & sipping some hot water (just in case anyone reading this actually catches hypothermia). I think the Eels will lift for this game, but after spending so long idling in neutral, might find it hard to actually change up a gear. Note: if this happens to you, please take your car to the mechanic, as it might be a serious issue with your transmission. I'm tipping a Souths win, but it should be worth mentioning that all of my "upset" tips for a Thursday night have all been fucking horrendous lately.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">St George Dragons <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Gold Coast Titans</span></h4><p>With the Titans boasting a forward pack that I reckon I could knock over with a light nudge (I have been working out though; yesterday I did four pushups [on my knees] as I was looking for an M&M that rolled under the couch), St George should maintain their recent run of "form" and really give their fans a case of <i>fuck guys, why didn't you win more earlier in the season when you were still a chance of making the finals-itis.</i></p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Sydney Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Brisbane Broncos</span></h4><p>Those madlads in Brisbane finally did it - they pissed off their coach enough that he "walked" away from the job. I guess it's easy to walk away when someone has a gun in the back of your head (metaphorically, of course; although Tevita Pangai Jr might know a guy, if you do need someone to hold a gun to someone's head). FUN FACT: teams that get rid of their coach win 42% of the time the following week. I think that this game is going to be one of the 58% that goes the other way, just quietly, and the Broncs will be lucky if they only get 58 points put on them.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">New Zealand Warriors vs</span> Newcastle Knights</h4><p>I don't think I could possibly overstate this enough: nobody cares. Newcastle, New Zealand, fuck it, it's the same place anyway, so I don't even see why this game should exist in the first place. Ridiculous. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Cronulla Sharks <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs North Queensland Cowboys</span></h4><p>Let me check my copy of "Guide to Tipping": <i>Cronulla: pack of cheats and wankers. Don't let Shaun Johnson's jawline fool you, and don't get lost in his eyes. The Sharks are all terrible and shouldn't even be allowed in the competition. </i>This guide is pretty spot-on so far. <i> Cowboys: it's hard to determine whether they're worse at attack or defending, because they can't really do either. Doctors believe that the entire team may actually be allergic to grass and footballs, and shouldn't even be allowed in the competition. </i>This is a great guide - oh wait, I wrote it. And it's on a McDonalds napkin. And soaked in beer. <i> </i></p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Penrith Panthers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Wests Tigers</span></h4><p>I was contemplating a mahoosive upset in this game, as it's about time the Panthers clocked off for a while, and where they have lost a couple of strike weapons for this game, the Tigers have gained a couple back from injury and suspension and parole. I'm going to stick with the Penny Panthers, but only just and only because I don't really care that much. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Melbourne Storm <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Manly Sea Eagles</span></h4><p>With Manly still licking their wounds from last week's hammering, along come the Storm to fuck them up some more. Oh wait, with Smith and Munster and probably a bunch of giant-fuck-off forwards as well. Well, I guess that's what you get for being Manly.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Canberra Motherfucking Raiders WOO <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canterbury Bulldogs</span></h4><p>Oh don't mind me, it's the game of the round - the NRL and rugby league world in general is frothing at the mouth to see this monumental match-up of 5th vs 16th. The Raiders should piss this one in, and if they don't they shouldn't even be in the competition. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AixU6hTsh6U/X0dZjWdcaXI/AAAAAAAAFYY/WRA2s8m97fYG-9a8WHRHCtBHnogsuIcEwCLcBGAsYHQ/s744/Nicho.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="744" data-original-width="678" height="328" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AixU6hTsh6U/X0dZjWdcaXI/AAAAAAAAFYY/WRA2s8m97fYG-9a8WHRHCtBHnogsuIcEwCLcBGAsYHQ/w298-h328/Nicho.png" title="If I was going to do an NRL remake of Point Break, Nicho Hynes would be Bohdi." width="298" /></a></div><b><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">If I was going to do an NRL remake of <i>Point Break</i>, Nicho Hynes would be Bodhi</span></b></div></b><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p><br /></p>Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-41839809003081437882020-08-20T13:32:00.004+10:002020-08-20T13:32:52.910+10:00NRL 2020 Round 15: Titan Bites Johnson, Broncos Eat Shit<p>What would a weekly blog about the NRL be without taking a huge steaming pile of number twos right on the Broncos? Coincidentally, that is exactly how club legend Julian O'Neil got fired, but that's a story for another day.</p><p>This week, the National Broncos League shot themselves in the foot by concentrating on trying to bring online trolls to justice for spreading rumours about coach Anthony Siebold, who has hired Liam Neeson to track down these keyboard warriors with his particular set of skills that he acquired over a very long career. Personally, I would have just said "no, it's not true that I sit down to wee" and concentrated a bit more on, you know, coaching my struggling football team instead of worrying about what a fucking idiot on the computer is blogging about instead of doing his work. </p><p>Star centre and part-time porn star Kotoni Staggs showered in petrol and threw himself on the proverbial fire by calling out the club's "leadership group" for not being "good leaders" but then announced that he was "a good leader" while handing over a couple of grand for leading the players outside of their COVID quarantine bubble and hitting the slot machines at the local RSL. It's good to see that Stagg's defense off the field is as confusing as his efforts while playing.</p><p>Everyone's new favourite team, the Gold Coast Titans, did their little brother club a solid this week and tried to take the heat off Brisbane by embroiling themselves in a media circus surrounding Kevin Proctor being accused of biting Shaun Johnson during their game against Cronulla. I was disappointed that there were no headlines of "Man Bites Shark" in the Telegraph or "Rugby player takes Johnson in the mouth" on PornHub. Proctor was subsequently banned for four games for having a nibble on Johnson, who was described as 'a snack' during judicial proceedings (and found guilty). For such a breach of the rules - not only for player safety, but also morally - I would have thought a harsher penalty might be in order, like having to play for the Broncos for a month, but this punishment was deemed to breach the international human rights treaty under the United Nations Convention Against Torture. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fpvj-j9CFkw/Xz3b_FsevWI/AAAAAAAAFYA/y3G1nq2gLVkSKcB81ozlCjyIB0IuNfBwACLcBGAsYHQ/s1120/SJ.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="1120" height="229" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fpvj-j9CFkw/Xz3b_FsevWI/AAAAAAAAFYA/y3G1nq2gLVkSKcB81ozlCjyIB0IuNfBwACLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h229/SJ.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><b>As if you wouldn't have a bite on this</b></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Round 15:</h3><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Parramatta Eels vs</span> Melbourne Storm</span></h4><p style="text-align: left;">The Storm head into the match on a high after smashing the ever-living fuck out of the Roosters last week, although will be severely undermanned this round with fresh injuries to Jahrome Hughes, Dale Finucane and Suliasi Vunivalu. Parra have once again managed to avoid the injury curse currently plaguing the league, but have a lot of work to do after a disappointing loss last week to the Dragons. I'm tipping the Storm to battle through and take this one, based on nothing much at all. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Penrith Panthers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Cronulla Sharks</span></h4><p style="text-align: left;">In a game of two halves, the Panthers have shown that they are a team of two sides - showing flair and brilliance in attack in the first forty minutes, and then displaying their fragility and ineptitude in defense in the second. Either way, the worst Penriff defense will trump the best Cronulla attack. Look for Matt Moylan to injure himself trying to open a pre-game Powerade. Those caps can be tough to get off, but how he manages to dislocate his ankle while doing it will be the main concern.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Brisbane Broncos vs </span>St George Dragons</h4><p style="text-align: left;">I would rarely punt for any team with Corey Norman in it, but I just can't see the Broncos winning anything right now. Adding to their woes, Brisbane keep managing to injure each other at training, which is surprising in itself as they don't play like a team who has done much practice. The latest casualty is Tommy Flegler, who will require shoulder surgery following an incident during the week - possibly during a drunken game of Hoppo Bumpo. Anthony Milford makes an early return for the Broncos after some pretend hamstring injuries, which only increases my predictions that the Saints will take this one easily. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Gold Coast Titans vs </span>Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO</h4><p style="text-align: left;">Go you Raiders. This one won't be a walk in the park, as the Tits are actually putting together some very decent performances lately, so it either means that the team has finally started clicking, or it's contract negotiation time. Maybe if Canberra could not fuck around for the first half like they did last week, that would be great. It was so painful to watch that it hurt Ricky Stuart's back. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Wests Tigers vs</span> Sydney Roosters</h4><p style="text-align: left;">The Roosters have resisted rushing Sonny Bill Williams into the team to cover even more injuries from last week, including star playmaker Luke Keary, who has done his shoulder from carrying this overpaid bunch of sooks for the last six weeks. Normally I would tip against the Roosters in this situation, but the Tigers only just got over the Bulldogs last week, so they're not exactly playing top-tier footy either. I'm predicting a Roosters win, based on controversy, with injuries to two players and Jared Waera-Hargreaves to be put on report. Again.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">South Sydney Rabbitohs <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Manly Sea Eagles</span></h4><p style="text-align: left;">This will be a desperate game for both teams to win; Souths need to solidify their spot in the top eight, and Manly need to win to remain in finals contention just in time for all of their players to come back from injury (and then lose again). Souths have a stronger team on paper, and that's where this game will be won or lost. On paper. In the bin. The recycling bin. Because I care for the environment. But not like heaps. Just enough.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Canterbury Bulldogs vs</span> New Zealand Warriors</h4><p style="text-align: left;">So maybe it was Stephen Keaney who was holding the Warriors back this whole time? While I would love to see the Doggies get up to pile more pressure onto the Broncos to come last, I don't know if I want to see it happen at the Warriors expense. Maybe Newcastle or the Tigers, or a team that no one cares that much about? </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Newcastle Knights <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs North Queensland Cowboys</span></h4><p>I am predicting the most free-flowing game of the year here. Both teams have a couple of flyers who are probably desperate to get into open space. Cowboys' speed-merchant (not that kind of speed, Jesse Bromwich) Hamiso "The Hammer" Tabuai-Fidow scored one of the tries of the year last week with an insane display of toe (not that kind of toe, Kotoni Staggs), and I'd be happy for my tips (not the frosted kind, Dylan Brown) to get fucked up (no, 1997 Newcsatle Knights team) to see some more of that.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8Chq1OWGsrw" width="320" youtube-src-id="8Chq1OWGsrw"></iframe></div><p><br /></p>Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-54956329279027834232020-08-13T16:43:00.003+10:002020-08-13T16:43:34.058+10:00NRL 2020 Round 14: I Feel Fine<div>Not much has happened in the NRL this week, with just the business-as-usual Broncos players stepping down from leadership duties, Broncos players being stood down for breaching COVID restrictions at a pub, Broncos players being fined down for breaching COVID restrictions at an RSL - and a fucking terrible one at that, Broncos players banned for involvement with outlaw bikie gangs, Broncos players breaking their legs, Broncos players looking to change clubs, Broncos players looking to change sports, Broncos coaches seeking legal advice for extra-marital insinuations on Twitter, and Broncos fans setting fire to their jerseys outside the club headquarters. Thanks for spending $180 on a jersey, fuckwit. I know you're just going to go out and buy another one.</div><div><br /></div><div>According to the bubble outside of Brisbane, other things happened too: mid-season player swaps, drops, retirements and signings, with the big news that coach Paul McGregor has finally been given his marching orders from St George, just as the club was starting to actually perform quite well. As the old saying goes, good players don't always make good coaches, and in this case, average players make even more average coaches. You will be missed, mostly by Corey Norman, whose career seemingly relied on you being in charge at the Dragons. </div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;"> Round 14:</h3><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">Sydney Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Melbourne Storm</span></h4><div>Two of the league's heavyweights square-off to kick start the round in explosive fashion. Unfortunately in the case of this metaphor, both heavyweights are missing their arms and the Roosters only have the use of one leg, and the Melbourne boxer is drunk and has quite limited vision. What an exciting match-up this one will be.</div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">NZ Warriors vs </span>Penrith Panthers</h4><div>The Panthers have officially hit their peak form, and put together a near-perfect first half last week to announce it. The Warriors will do well to lose this one by 40.</div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">Parramatta Eels<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs St George Dragons</span></h4><div>Parra slithered home in the wettest game of the year last week, and will hope to put together a solid game against a steadily-improving-but-still-a-bit-shit Dragons team. What better way to send out coach Paul McGregor than a valiant 42-8 loss?</div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">Cronulla Sharks <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Gold Coast Titans</span></h4><div>Who would have thought that the Titans would be the most successful Queensland club in 2020? Not me, and I doubt even the Titans players' mums would have thought so either. It could be the coach, the new rules to encourage free-flowing play, or the threat of incoming players next year that have given the Gold Coast the incentive they need to actually play footy. PS. I'm tipping the Sharks anyway.</div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">North Queensland Cowboys vs</span> South Sydney Rabbitohs</h4><div>Oh Cowboys, what happened to you? You used to be so adequate - mediocre, even. I'd go so far as to say "almost satisfactory". Souths are threatening to put together a full 80-minute performance, and they might as well give it a crack against these numpties. This one could blow out pretty badly, I reckon. Even Latrell Mitchell might do something. </div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">Canberra fucking Raiders go you good things <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Brisbane Broncos</span></h4><div>The Broncos have been hard at training at the leagues club, slapping the pokies and sinking schooeys in preparation for this one. I don't want to say that this game is a foregone conclusion, but the Broncos have already written their apology to their fans and members for their poor showing. It reads similarly to the last 12 weeks. The Raiders have focused heavily on their defense this year; I think we're going to see their offensive flair kick in this weekend. I have my tissues ready. </div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">Newcastle Knights <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Manly Sea Eagles</span></h4><div>Newy bounced back last week with a pretty decent win, while the Manlies continued to struggle and went down like $2 hookers again. All I'm hearing coming out of Manly is "wait til we get Turbo back!" Fucking hell, if your team relies on a broken fullback this much, maybe you should have signed one with legs that work. </div><div><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: left;">Wests Tigers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canterbury Bulldogs</span></h4><div>And this is the way we end the round. Nicely scheduled, NRL. By this stage of the weekend, everyone has their Sunday night "oh fuck off, Monday" face on, so why not put this dross on for the rugby league faithful to well-and-truly cap off the weekend and make us wonder if the AFL might be worth a watch instead?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/6jwLDYcGFYU" width="320" youtube-src-id="6jwLDYcGFYU"></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>I'm expecting eighteen of these tries on Saturday night. No pressure, Raiders.</b></div>Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-59029745136794414332020-08-06T16:11:00.001+10:002020-08-06T16:38:05.993+10:00NRL 2020 Round 13 - A few of my favourite things, Part 1<div>There's a reason that watching sport has been popular for thousands of years, whether it was admiring how far Ugh the caveman from the next clan over could throw a rock, to Gladiatorus the Gladiator wrecking cunts with his spear in the gladiatorial arena, or simply seeing Usain Bolt get fucking motoring down the 100m stretch. It's the simple notion of someone doing something unremarkable, and making it remarkable, and then watching them perform for our entertainment. The same could be said for reading a great book, watching an amazing film or play, observing a grand-master chess player, viewing a painting or other things that Sims do.</div><div><br /></div><div>Rugby League is no different. As a game, it's just 26 blokes running into each other for 80 minutes, but underneath that, there are infinite cogs working to create a strategy to play out a spectacle. There are big men doing big man things, quick men doing quick man things, guys who could tackle a rhinoceros if they needed to, all working as one organism to carry a ball forward.</div><div><br /></div><div>In this first of however-many-it-takes-when-I-can't-think-of-things-to-write-about, I will look at my favourite parts of the NRL and why I love it.</div><div><br /></div><div>After every tackle, the player in possession of the ball must "play" it, by placing it on the ground and rolling it backwards with their foot to an awaiting player, and the ballet starts anew. It's a pretty simple task that most players are able to successfully complete about a million per cent of the time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Sometimes though, it's nice to see the wheels come off, and remind us all that despite how much time these players invest in training, discipline, practice, fitness, dropped charges, out-of-court settlements and preparation, they are still just unremarkable humans.</div><div><br /></div><div>I love it when a player is tackled and wrestles with his tackler for a bit, humps the ground for a while, manages to stand up to play the ball and has to wait for another player to arrive to pick it up. Even better is when he plays it without checking first, and there's no one there. Even better than that is when he plays it backwards, towards the opposition.</div>
<br />
<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Z7n2J_A7ugs" width="320" youtube-src-id="Z7n2J_A7ugs"></iframe></div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><font face="inherit">A glorious moment in the 2020 season that probably won't make too many highlight reels, but it's in contention for my own personal Play of the Year.</font></div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;"><font face="inherit">Round 13</font></h3><div><h4 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">St George Remember the Steelers? Me either vs</span><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span>Sydney Chooks</span></h4><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">An interesting match to kick off round 13 (lucky for some), as these two evenly-matched teams (the Roosters fielding a reserve-grade team due to injuries, and St George at full strength) go at it. The once-high-and-mighty Roosters have not been traveling well lately, scraping through the last few weeks with very unconvincing victories against some pretty ordinary opponents. The Dragons, on the other hand, have been looking much improved of late, even during last week's collapse. The Roosters have shockingly dropped their halfback and current NRL point-scoring champion Kyle Flanagan, putting my SuperCoach team into complete fucking disarray, and reason #4,072,926 as to why I hate them. If the Chooks can latch onto the fact that St George's only attacking weapon is a 70kg fullback, they'll go close to winning this one. </p><h4 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Manly Seagulls vs</span> NZ Once Were Warriors</font></h4><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit">The Warriors are rank outsiders for this match, but I wouldn't write them off. Manly are boasting a team with a high-school level backline, and have been serving up absolute durge the last few weeks. I wouldn't be surprised to see an upset on this one. So, if I'm expecting an upset, that probably doesn't make it an upset at all.</font></p><h4 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit">South Sydney Russell Crowes <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Brisneyland Donkeys</span></font></h4><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit">There's nothing like a leaked sex tape to really spice up a match. Just as the Broncos were starting to show a hint of form, based largely on the on-field performance of Kotoni Staggs, the young Bronco has had his <a href="https://www.news.com.au/sport/nrl/nrl-2020-kotoni-staggs-expected-to-play-after-sex-tape-leak/news-story/98fd510ac4d143393168fcedf404d8e3">knob and foot fetish released for the world to enjoy</a>. I'm hoping that the on-field microphones can pick up some sledges from this match, or at the very least for Andrew Johns to inject a bit of foot humour into the commentary. 1 drink for any reference to "foot in the mouth", "showing some toe", "tiptoe" "Kotoni Staggs of the Brisbane Broncos enjoys sucking women's toes while filming himself having sex" or "clean pair of heels". Honestly, feet are fucking disgusting, and anyone involved with them is just as gross. </font></p><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Oh, and go Souths. Please keep the "Broncos are shit" memes alive.</p><h4 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Smellbourne Strom </span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-weight: normal;">vs Canterbury Tales</span></h4><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit">If there was ever a chance for Melbourne to sit out Cameron Smith to see what the future will look like, you might as well do it against the Bulldogs. It really won't make much difference, but it will give the commentators someone else to give a verbal handjob to for performing the most basic aspects of rugby league. </font></p><h4 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit">Newcastle Nights <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Balmain Tigers</span></font></h4><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #1a1a1b; font-family: inherit;">The Knights have provided a backline with the most interesting names in the competition. Compare the Tigers back five of Adam, David, Joseph and Tom to Newy's Starford, Gehamat, Enari, Kalyn and Hymel. Based purely on this statistic (does that even count as a statistic?), Newcastle will canter home.</span></p><h4 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Riff Panfers vs </span>Canberra Motherfucking Giant Slaying Raiders</font></h4><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit">The Panthers looked the real fucking deal last week in the first display of awesomeness that I've seen them perform this year, and provided a massive "wake up and look at us, fuckers" to the rest of the comp who are all dribbling about Tedesco and Papenhuyzen. The Raiders have shown a ton of grit and determination the last few weeks, but unfortunately this is not a game based on either grit nor determination, so they might need to rack up a few points instead. As a loyal Canberra supporter, I will tip them for the win publicly, and tip against them in an actual competitions for points.</font></p><h4 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit">Sunshine Coast Titans <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs North Quoinsland Cows</span></font></h4><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">The battle for QLD supremacy is on. Ultimately, no one is the winner, and especially not us, because we will end up watching it and wondering why, and how. Reckon the Tits might get up here, based on absolutely nothing but a gut instinct from eating questionable Mexican leftovers that I can not remember putting in the fridge.</p><h4 style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; text-align: left; vertical-align: baseline;"><font face="inherit"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Cronulla Sharps vs </span>Whatsamatta Eels</font></h4><p class="_1qeIAgB0cPwnLhDF9XSiJM" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #1a1a1b; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0.8em 0px 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Parramatta looked unbeatable early in the season but have tapered off to a plateau you could use to cut Kevin Naiqama's hair. This will be a great game for them to regain some form and put a smidge of effort into, as Cronulla haven't looked completely useless lately and have found themselves inside the top eight. The Sharkies welcome back Matt Moylan for his monthly visit to the field, before he heads back to his usual bed in the Pissweak Ward at the Sutherland Hospital. </p></div><div><br /></div>Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-26056666197972764642020-07-30T14:14:00.004+10:002020-07-30T14:18:27.619+10:00NRL Round 12: Underneath the BunkerDuring the coronavirus break in this year's season, it was decided that to limit the risk of COVID transmission, the number of fun police (the referees) would be halved, and the two-ref system would be scrapped in favour of having just the one whistleblower on the field. Obviously it's the refs who are responsible for spreading the plague, not the 34 other blokes wrestling with each other in the mud.<br />
<br />
The NRL also announced that they were pumping a couple of million dollars into improving the "Video Referee Bunker", which is basically just a fancy name for "video ref", who is invariably called on every six minutes to make sure that every player and their mums on every play in every game ever has adhered to the NRL rulebook, the Bible, the Quran, The Game, The Ring, and The HitchHiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Everyone thought that improving the video referee would be a good idea; let's get some fucking NASA technology, a continuum transfunctioner, and a flux capacitor to determine angles and velocity and a fucking slow-motion button. <br />
<br />
In hindsight, $2 million does seem like a lot of money to spend on improving a plasma tv and a remote control, doesn't it? I bet the rest of the money went to ensuring that the Trbojevic breeding program continued, or the Jack Bird RoboCop rehabilitation centre or something.<br />
<br />
And the improvements have not really been evident this year; the video ref still uses the same television replays that we had before, the same cameras and microphones, the same red and green buttons. The only discernible difference is the name "video ref" has been changed to "the bunker", which may have cost $500,000 on its own. The rest of the cash was probably spent on a comfy couch and a fooseball table, as well as those really expensive crackers that they have next to the deli at Coles and those dips that are like $5 each and are also pretty good.<br />
<br />
$2 million and they still can't tell the difference between Josh Morris or Brett Morris. Fuck it, they can't even tell the difference between Maika Sivo and Junior Paulo.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Round 12:</h3>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">St George Dragons vs</span> South Sydney Rabbitohs</h4>
The Bunnies have been looking pretty good this year, until they actually get within sniffing distance of the tryline, and then they forget who they are and what they're doing. Don't be surprised to see Cody Walker start patting his pockets to try to work out where he put his car keys whenever they get close to scoring. Silly Cody, they're on the little side table next to the front door.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Wests Tigers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs NZ Warriors</span></h4>
The Kiwis shocked everyone by coming within a bee's dick of upsetting the Roosters last week. They didn't, but at least they came close. The Tigers are about to embark on a really testing leg of their season where they play the entire top-eight of the ladder in succession, so they will need some momentum, confidence and at least one hobbit from this game.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Brisbane Broncos vs</span> Cronulla Sharks</h4>
Oh you Broncos. The best part of the NRL is their obsession with giving Brissy every fucking free-to-air game available, so we can watch their official decline into Shitsville (Logan) in real-time. The Sharks are specialists at playing well against the good sides and falling into a heap against the teams they are expected to beat. As a result, they will probably win by only 30 points.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Sydney Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Gold Coast Titans</span></h4>
The Titans will be full of confidence with a couple of mid-week high-profile signings. Unfortunately, they are for next year and it won't really mean anything for the current team. Sucked in, losers.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">North Queensland Cowboys vs </span>Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO</h4>
The Raiders are flying high after some tough-as-fuck games in recent weeks, and despite a rising injury list, have seemingly righted their sinking ship. This will be a tough game, as they don't have a great track record against the Cowboys, especially in Queensland, but even more alarming is that they've named Curtis Scott in the team again. <br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Manly Sea Eagles vs</span> Penrith Panthers</h4>
Oh fuck I don't know. The Panthers have been playing <i>okay </i>recently, nothing to write home about though. <i>"Dear mum, Hope you are well. We played footy tonight, it was ok. Love Nathan" </i>Meanwhile, the Sea Eagles are providing up and downs like a yo yo on a bungee cord stapled to a see-saw. I'll tip the Choccy Soldiers, but only because I like the term "Choccy Soldiers" even though it's hardly relevant anymore. Choccy Soldiers.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Canterbury Bulldogs vs </span>Parramatta Eels</h4>
The Bulldogs will be praying for rain again, as they showed up a rusty Knights team last weekend. This one could be played under water and I don't think it would make a difference though.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Melbourne Storm <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Newcastle Knights</span></h4>
Should be a foregone conclusion based on recent form, ladder position, players, injuries, weather conditions, haircuts, tattoos, coaches, uniforms, mascots and facial hair. Cam Munster and Ryan Papenhauzen win most of those by themselves anyway.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3wwvs8jItZc/XyIgle6zo4I/AAAAAAAAFXM/jWUYsqmCYUw0q9EcnB5145jPzkWCvIf-QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Blake%2BFerguson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="908" data-original-width="1200" height="242" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3wwvs8jItZc/XyIgle6zo4I/AAAAAAAAFXM/jWUYsqmCYUw0q9EcnB5145jPzkWCvIf-QCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Blake%2BFerguson.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Fun fact: Blake Ferguson can smell around corners</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-64847514823417860012020-07-23T15:57:00.002+10:002020-07-23T16:18:06.266+10:00NRL 2020, Round 11: Celery CapIt's always nice to hear an underdog story about overcoming the odds to succeed in life. This week, we have a double underdog story involving those lovable larrikins the Sydney Roosters and that down-on-his-luck scamp, Sonny Bill.<br />
<br />
During the week, the English Super League announced that their very expensive foray into North American rugby league, the Toronto Wolfpack, was pulling out of the competition, citing travel issues, COVID isolation restrictions, and the fact that they really just couldn't be fucked playing this year. I can attest to that. I haven't got out of my tracky daks in about three months.<br />
<br />
Usually the collapse of a competition on the other side of the planet doesn't really affect the NRL at all, but this one has opened up an opportunity for the former NRL players who had signed onto the Super League to rejoin the Australian competition. Normally we would welcome Josh McCrone home with open arms and a shotgun, but the player causing most of the ruckus so far is Sonny Bill Williams.<br />
<br />
Sonny Bill was an elite player, back in the day. He is a fair fucking unit of a bloke, just quietly, and I probably wouldn't try to fight him unless I'd had about thirteen pints beforehand. He played for the Canterbury Bulldogs from 2004 til 2008, before fucking off to France to play a few seasons of kick & clap rugby union - obviously he was a great team player with pride in his jersey as he played for Toulon before heading back to New Zealand to play for Canterbury, then to the Crusaders, the Chiefs and a stint in Japanese rugby with the Panasonic Knights, before receiving a "handshake deal" and about sixty paper bags filled with money to rejoin the NRL and play for the Roosters in 2013. Then he fucked off again to play for Counties Manukau, back to the Chiefs, had a giggle in Rugby 7s, then signed on (for what it's worth) to the Blues, before he decided to add another twelve pools to his house with the Toronto deal.<br />
<br />
Now he wants to come back, and fuck me drunk, the Roosters have announced that they have room in their salary cap to sign him for the second half of this season.<br />
<br />
The Roosters. Room. Salary cap. Sonny Bill.<br />
<br />
Announced. In. Sign. They. This.<br />
<br />
Despite a roster with 12 out of 17 starting spots occupied by former or current representative players (with at least three others only missing out due to injury), the Roosters somehow have room to continue to sign the best players on the planet, which is lucky for the obviously-struggling club as they attempt a rare three-premiership-wins in a row this year.<br />
<br />
We can only hope that the Sonny Bill deal goes ahead, he's about as shit as a 35-year old who's been playing union for the last decade in between beating up older, fatter guys as a heavyweight boxer, can possibly be. <br />
<br />
<h3>
Round 11</h3>
<h4>
Parramatta Eels<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Wests Tigers</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">The Tigers went on Twitter to have a chatter about Ryan Matterson,</span><a class="SQnoC3ObvgnGjWt90zD9Z _2INHSNB8V5eaWp4P0rY_mE" data-click-id="body" href="https://www.reddit.com/r/nrl/comments/huinjr/matterson_chatter_about_going_to_parra_doesnt/" style="background-color: white; border: 0px; font-family: IBMPlexSans, Arial, sans-serif; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant-east-asian: inherit; font-variant-numeric: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: inherit; vertical-align: baseline;"></a><br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: 16px;">said "doesn't matter, son, we're not all that bitter, son,</span><br />
you natter that the betting is much better at Parramatta."<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit;">Now he's fitter and he's better, standing next to King Clint Gutherson.</span><br />
<div>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">North Queensland Cowboys vs </span>Manly Sea Eagles</h4>
Coach Paul Green given his pink slip<br />
and now he's looking kind of blue.<br />
Caught red-handed, in black and white<br />
Fed by silver spoon.<br />
No rose-coloured glasses, or shades of grey<br />
for the yellow-bellied Cows<br />
True colours shine or white flags out for new coach Josh Hannay.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Brisbane Broncos vs </span>Melbourne Storm</h4>
From a five year plan to a five game deal<br />
To save the Broncos' game<br />
He's switching 1s and 2s and 5s<br />
But the results are all the same.<br />
Can Siebold pluck a winner<br />
from the mighty Melbourne Storm?<br />
Fuck no. Not likely. Snowball's chance.<br />
At least til Boyd is gone.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">New Zealand Warriors vs</span> </span>St George Dragons</h4>
Warriors are worriers there's no worries there to see<br />
But there's worries that the Warriors can get worse from week to week<br />
We wonder if the Warriors will worry any team<br />
Or if the worst and waning Warriors will wake and Mary weep?<br />
<br />
<h4>
Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs South Sydney Rabbitohs</span></h4>
No one gave the Raiders even a snifter of a chance<br />
to win the weekend's rematch of last year's biggest dance<br />
With Bateman gone and Hodgson's knee inverted on itself<br />
The Green Machine gave everything & left nothing on the shelf.<br />
<br />
This week's a different story, although the injury list keeps growing<br />
Scott is out, the Horse no good, Oldfield's done a hamstring<br />
So the men in green bring out a team that needs some introduction<br />
Who's Kai O'Donnell, Tom Starling, not to mention Ryan Sutton?<br />
<br />
A new backline with Semi Valemei and Smith-Shields in the game<br />
In-form Jack Wighton, Jarrod Croker, and Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad coming of age,<br />
The only reason I started this verse was so I could try the following line:<br />
Valemei and CNK join up for a Semi-Charnze kind of life.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Newcastle Knights <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canterbury Bulldogs</span></h4>
Well the Dogs look like they've wrapped up the spoon<br />
with still half the year to go<br />
It reminds me of the Knights' season<br />
not even too long ago.<br />
<br />
The Dogs seemed set to buck the trend<br />
After pushing the Saints to the limits<br />
But still lost last week in an unloseable way<br />
only playing for 79 minutes.<br />
<br />
The Knights will push to cement their spot<br />
and the Bulldogs aren't much of a test<br />
The Knights just need Ponga to fire again,<br />
and to get Bradman back to his Best.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Gold Coast Titans vs</span> Penrith Panthers</h4>
I'm envisaging a bloodbath<br />
within the sacred C-bus lines<br />
the best I think we can hope for<br />
is to say that "at least Gold Coast tried."<br />
<br />
"They played for eighty minutes<br />
and played through the game with pride!<br />
They played their fucken guts out."<br />
Alas, the Gold Coast died.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PnADBQL3c2w/Xxe1hsXSRoI/AAAAAAAAFWg/nSQVsguLbxUMy9if4krJ09mXMDwfnDI8wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Tackle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1072" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PnADBQL3c2w/Xxe1hsXSRoI/AAAAAAAAFWg/nSQVsguLbxUMy9if4krJ09mXMDwfnDI8wCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Tackle.jpg" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>There's an illegal tackle in here somewhere</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
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</div>
</div>
</div>
Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-36601757792159312902020-07-16T15:07:00.002+10:002020-07-16T15:07:38.635+10:00NRL 2020 Round 10: David vs Gol(dCoast)iathEvery so often, a player comes along who threatens to be "bigger than the game", and I'm not talking about George Rose or Dave Taylor. I mean players who are apparently so disgustingly talented that it's almost unfair for them to play against the other regular run-of-the-mill professional athletes involved in the game, and should be on a pay scale of a million billion dollars to keep them here to entertain us instead of going to some other planet to compete in an unnamed competition against other superheroes. Past NRL players who have worn the "Bigger than the Game" moniker include Greg Inglis and Jarryd Hayne, two outstanding individuals whose athleticism definitely stood the test of time and everyone really enjoyed having them around instead of deflecting meteors with Thor or something.<br />
<br />
The latest demi-god to grace us with his presence for 80 minutes a week before heading off to ensure the safety of the universe is Brisbane forward David Fifita, who is currently in negotiations for the next few years of his contract, and is currently in line to become the highest paid player in the game at the age of 20. If Twitter is to be believed, and I'm not sure why anyone would doubt its 280 character-per-tweet wisdom, Fifi is looking to join the Gold Coast Titans for the 2021 season at the budget price of $1.25 million, before heading back to Brissy in 2022 to continue printing money.<br />
<br />
Nice work if you can get it, David, especially considering that you haven't played a fucking game since Round 2. Round fucking Two. That's before the COVID break, and before he underwent knee surgery. It's one thing to be asking for more money than anyone else in the game, another thing to do it less than two seasons into your career, an entirely other thing to do before your 21st birthday, and a whole other kettle of fish to do it from your fucking hospital bed following knee surgery.<br />
<br />
We can only hope that the Titans have learned their lesson from the last time they tried to get their suntan-lotion-covered hands on a player "bigger than the game" and will avoid paying a stupid amount for Fifita for just a 12-month contract. It's not enough time for the team to recruit players around him, for him to grasp the existing plays, learn the players names, find a new cocaine dealer, alert him to which bouncers you can and cannot punch on with (note: none of them, David), or find a house big enough to fit all of his dumptrucks full of money. <br />
<br />
But if the Titans do sign him... well, there's about 15% of the salary cap right there in one player, receiving shit passes from Ash Taylor, getting shit offloads from Kevin Proctor, covering shit missed tackled from Bryce Cartwright & carrying shit Shannon Boyd around the field <i>Weekend at Bernie's </i>style. And then what? He fucks off back to Brisbane leaving a trail of money and a still-broken Titans team in his wake, who now have to replace their forward pack again. <br />
<br />
The Gold Coast management should talk to the North Queensland Cowboys about how much of a fucking great investment Valentine Holmes was, as he limped back from (strangely) not being very good at American Football, despite putting in several hours on the Playstation, landing broken-ankle first in a swimming pool of hopes, dreams, money and a million NRL fans remembering "when Val Holmes was good for a year." <br />
<br />
Players like Valentine Holmes, Hayne, maybe even Kalyn Ponga and Fifita is like <span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">when you think you really want something and then you buy it but it doesn't really do what you want it to and you feel a bit stupid for buying it in the first place so you just put it in the cupboard in the back room so your friends don't see it and ask you "why did you buy that expensive and flashy but ultimately useless item?" and it makes you feel bad for spending a lot of money on something that you realise you don't even like and possibly never did in the first place but you read somewhere that it was good and its value would definitely increase over time and soon everyone would want one but that never happened and you've only just realised that the article was an ad anyway.</span><br />
<br />
In other news, we bid farewell to Dean Pay, who resigned as coach of the Canterbury Bulldogs this week. Dean went to the unprecedented lengths to support his team by undergoing several cosmetic surgeries to actually look more like a Bulldog. Unfortunately, losing to Brisbane was probably the nail in the coffin, and the Archbishop of Canterbury took Dean to the vet and put him out of his suffering once and for all. You were a good boy, Dean. You probably deserved better.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DApDmrQSz14/Xw5lO1mWRnI/AAAAAAAAFVk/Yw1oxzxMBM8zCxZDq8WgOoYPY6sqhK-YACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Bulldog.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="394" data-original-width="700" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-DApDmrQSz14/Xw5lO1mWRnI/AAAAAAAAFVk/Yw1oxzxMBM8zCxZDq8WgOoYPY6sqhK-YACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Bulldog.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Who's a good boy, then? </b>Not you, Dean.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />
<h3>
Round 10</h3>
<br />
<h4>
Sydney Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canberra Fucken Raiders WOO</span></h4>
In good news for the Raiders, Curtis Scott has been ruled out of their squad with some kind of arm infection that I can only imagine is coronavirus-related, and therefore he should be set on fire and catapulted into the sun. In his place comes Semi Valemai, who I can only imagine was picked because of the success of the last bloke called Semi who played NRL.<br />
I love my Green Machine, but I'm not sure if the Raiders are going to be able to match it with the Chooks for this one, and I think an 8-point defecit will blow out to at least 16 points in the last ten minutes.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Melbourne Storm <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Gold Coast Titans</span></h4>
Remember when the Titans beat the Storm back in 2017? What a mind fuck. But I think we can all be pretty confident that that won't happen again. This one might get pretty messy for the Goldies, I reckon. People may die. Lots of people. <br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Wests Tigers vs </span>Brisbane Broncos</h4>
If any team can keep the Broncos Shitwagon rolling, it's the Tiges, whose coach Madge "I just realised I don't actually know his real name, but it's probably Michael" McGuire has wielded the axe over the underperforming team and has beheaded halfback Luke Brooks to try to scare the shit out of the rest of the team to lift their game. Either that, or he's just deadset keen on ensuring that Wests finish 9th, as is tradition. The Broncos are all thanking their lucky stars over another round of margaritas and Winnie Blues that Madge isn't anywhere near Brisbane, or they'd all be fucked.<br />
<br />
<h4>
St George Dragons <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canterbury Bulldogs</span></h4>
Well fuck me if the Drags didn't turn up last week. Let's see if they can make it two in a row against one of the worst teams in the comp (sorry Doggies). To put the Dogs' season in perspective, their leading try scorer for the year is Kieran Foran, with two. <br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">South Sydney Rabbitohs vs </span>Newcastle Knights</h4>
Oh fuck, I don't know. Every time I call Souths unconvincing, they unconvincingly win. Fuck it, I'm just going to go with Newy, despite them seeming to be a whole lot worse than I am giving them credit for.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Manly Sea Eagles vs</span> Parramatta Eels</h4>
Last week didn't quite go to plan for Manly, unless their plan was to "roll around in their own shit for a while". What a debacle that was. Meanwhile, Parra flexed their defensive muscle, and snuck home for a sneaky win very sneakily indeed. I think they may be a bit more boisterous about it this week.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">NZ Warriors vs</span> <b>Cronulla Sharks</b></h4>
I'm tipping Cronulla, but let the record state that I am not happy about it.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Penrith Panthers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs North QLD Cowboys</span></h4>
Yeah nah, sorry Cows. This one is going to hurt, I'm afraid. Penrith are doing all the right things at the moment, like winning and stuff, whereas the Cowboys just aren't. Maybe they should try winning? I might write to Paul Green and let him know.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-me4DcS5zGQQ/Xw_bfYtV9UI/AAAAAAAAFVw/PBk2KRQdiYc8aHG17jXb_OKcji8Cbtr5QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/PGreen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-me4DcS5zGQQ/Xw_bfYtV9UI/AAAAAAAAFVw/PBk2KRQdiYc8aHG17jXb_OKcji8Cbtr5QCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/PGreen.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-5492671336581383922020-07-08T21:15:00.000+10:002020-07-08T21:15:51.068+10:00NRL 2020 Round 9: How Good is Your Team?As we creep up on the mid-way point of the NRL season like Jayden Okunbor creeps around on high school girls' Instagram accounts, we can see a pretty clear divide between the Contenders, the Pretenders and the Fucken Useless Bunch of Overpaid Fucks Who Couldn't Fucken Win a Fucken Raffle Even If They'd Bought All the Fucken Tickets, the Stupid Fucks.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Despite not actually sitting on top of the premiership ladder currently, the Sydney Fucking Roosters sit on top of the "yeah, we'll probably win this thing again" list like the smug, cheating fucks that they are. I don't care how many times they have defended their playing roster, there is no fucking way on Brett Mullins' lime-green earth that a team can be so stacked with talent and remain compatible with salary cap restrictions. Boyd Cordner's personal CAT-scan team and James Tedesco's new teeth should account for at least 80% of that anyway. I haven't seen such blatant rorting of the system since the Raiders in the mid-90s. How good was that team, just quietly? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The Parramatta Eels were seen as a considerable force to be reckoned with (again) this year, but the difference is that so far they are actually living up to expectations. Despite having a team with no recognised superduper stars, they are working like a Swiss clock, but instead of keeping meticulous time through an intricate system of cogs, they're fucking destroying cunts all over the place. The only issue for the Eels' long-term success this year will be if Michael Jennings' dementia kicks in again and he reverts back to the useless fucking centre that we all know he really is; or if Jai Field has to go on Year 10 camp later in the year. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The Storm are always fucking there or thereabouts, aren't they? I'm actually getting a bit sick of complaining about them and their ongoing success, both on the field and their stranglehold over the Pacific islands, and it also makes them a formidable opponent in the NRL version of <i>Guess Who?</i></div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LXfCqbl3VFo/XwQDRaDkjiI/AAAAAAAAFUg/1bXTx9AdFtczO2cD3WgibkS7zyhbDkBbgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Storm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1004" data-original-width="609" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LXfCqbl3VFo/XwQDRaDkjiI/AAAAAAAAFUg/1bXTx9AdFtczO2cD3WgibkS7zyhbDkBbgCLcBGAsYHQ/s640/Storm.jpg" width="387" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>"Is your mystery player a giant fuck-off Islander?"<br />"Yes."</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
</div>
<div>
The Panthers are the surprise packet this year, and have managed to even surprise themselves to the tune of sitting pretty in second place, and receive my Big Brother nomination for eviction for "flying under the radar" and "not being themselves" and also "not being here for the right reasons." It's not often that a team with so little talent can find themselves doing so well, so congratulations to them. Despite their current position, I just can't see them following through in the second half of the year, which is both sad and completely expected and therefore really very satisfying indeed.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The Knights and the Raiders were both pegged for having big seasons, but Newcastle have proven themselves to be completely useless when faced with an opposition who are much, much worse than them, and Canberra seemingly entered the year with the expectation that everyone would just let them back into the Grand Final because they're lovable scamps. Unfortunately, a scamp is only lovable when you're not expecting them to do well, otherwise they turn into grubs and no one likes them anymore. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Souths, Manly, Cronulla and the Tigers are now just competing to be fodder for the first week of finals, with the Tigers most likely to miss out and finish 9th for a record 200th year straight. The Sea Chickens and the Guppies have been hit hard by injuries this year... again... and this will probably form the majority of their "why we didn't win again this year" response come September. Maybe if they stop recruiting players with osteoporosis, they'd do better. The Rabbitohs began the year with a decree of mediocrity that developed into ordinariness, and are likely to continue their plane of indifference and unremarkable performances until we completely forget they were even here in the first place. Latrell Who?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The bottom group of the Cowboys, Bulldogs, Titans, Warriors and Dragons are just there to piss off the better teams by having to play them for the next ten weeks or so. There's nothing like coming off a 40-point win against the Bulldogs in Round 16 with a good points differential and three players with ruptured ACLs and a dislocated shoulder. The only really interesting bit about the shit-tier teams is that they basically form their own little competition to try to avoid coming dead-fucking-last in a bid to escape collecting the dreaded Wooden Spoon.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Finally, we have the Broncos, who have attracted their fair share of media attention over the past few months due to their shambolic performances, terrible attitudes, lack of commitment, no cohesion, poor communication, shithouse efforts and, in turn, a complete absence of competition points. In the last twenty minutes of their games, the Broncos have scored a total of four points, and let in 84. That's actually a real stat and not one that I just made up, so I'm going to end this paragraph there so you know just how serious I am about the Broncos being just so fucking terrible at everything they do, including their jerseys and haircuts, which are also really bad. Look at Turpin, what the fuck do you ask for at the hairdressers to get that sort of shit?</div>
<div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-owLXHydkj5s/XwWpFCHimPI/AAAAAAAAFVI/BjoPGuAcB00Bz0nFlwMU1Fxp6jwv3bHQACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Turpin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><b><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="640" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-owLXHydkj5s/XwWpFCHimPI/AAAAAAAAFVI/BjoPGuAcB00Bz0nFlwMU1Fxp6jwv3bHQACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Turpin.jpg" width="320" /></b></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>The classic 'short front and sides' haircut taking prisons and Centrelink queues by storm</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<h3>
Round 9</h3>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">North Queensland Cowboys vs</span> Sydney Roosters</h4>
<div>
The only thing that could save the Cows this week is if the Chooks are so knackered from their hit out against the Storm last week that they won't be able to get up for another game. Unfortunately for the Queensland lads, they've had a whole week to recover, and if you can't play for 80 minutes a week later, you probably should be looking at a new profession that doesn't involve moving. My job, for example. It's actually pretty sweet.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
Gold Coast Titans <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs New Zealand Warriors</span></h4>
<div>
Buoyed by their unlikely win last week, is it too much to consider that the Warriors will take home another victory? Probably. It's also just as likely that the Titans will win, or both teams will lose, or a small dog will wander onto the field and neither team will be able to catch it, and then the small dog will be declared the winner. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">South Sydney Rabbitohs vs </span>Wests Tigers</h4>
<div>
The Tigers played with a whole lot of heart last week and came up empty-handed (except for Leilua, who still has Dylan Edwards' head in his possession), while the Bunnies played with no heart, no skill, no intensity and the very barest of effort and still managed to win quite convincingly on the scoreboard. I don't think they'll be able to get away with that two weeks in a row, so I'm gonna chalk this one up for the Kitty Cats.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Cronulla Sharks vs </span>Penrith Panthers</h4>
<div>
You'll never believe what happened last week, guys - Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan both got injured. Why am I not surprised? I think I'm going to have a heart attack and die from not-surprise. The good news is that Shaun Johnson's face came through the game unscathed (phew). My tip is that Penrith will be too good, but just not as handsome, but when you have munters like James Tamou running around, you have to expect that.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
Brisbane Broncos <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canterbury Bulldogs</span></h4>
<div>
For the sake of keeping the Broncos' losing streak going, I will continue to tip them. Brissy coach Anthony "Big Changes Are Coming" Siebold threatened to make "Big Changes" to the struggling team and then revealed that "No Changes" were actually made from the team that lost to New Zealand last week. So I guess that's something. Will this coaching masterstroke pay off? Only time will tell.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Canberra Raiders WOO vs </span>Melbourne Storm</h4>
<div>
The mighty Green Machine limped home with a broken face last week and didn't prove a whole lot to anyone doubting their premiership credentials, while the Storm impressed with a hard-fought win in a very entertaining see-sawing match that was won and lost five times in the last ten minutes. This weekend is the first of four tough-as-fuck rounds for Canberra, after which they will be proudly stapled deep in the top four, dating supermodels with the Roosters, or fucked off to the bottom of the shit heap, swapping Tazos and smoking durries in the Maccas carpark with the Dragons. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Newcastle Knights vs </span>Parramatta Eels</h4>
<div>
Phroar, how good were the Eels last week? Plenty fucken good, that's how. They put the Cowboys away without resorting to touch-football tactics and flashiness; they just stuck to their lines, ran effective patterns, supported the ball carrier, kept the ball away from Blake Ferguson and lobbed it to Maika Sivo whenever they wanted to watch Kyle Feldt shit himself on the field. Four times, for the record. The Knights scraped through against a determined Manly; they'll have to perform a lot better and pay the refs a lot more if they want to notch up a win here though.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">St George Dragons vs </span>Manly Sea Eagles</h4>
<div>
There's nothing like ending the round with a game of dross nonsense, and so here we are. I have to give credit where it's due, and Des Hasler has done an amazing job at Manly for the last few seasons - he has dealt with off-field indiscretions, injuries, retirements, the fact that he's still at fucking Manly, that he's still rocking a mullet, and yet is still able to rile his team up for a match even when their season is looking a bit rocky. Credit also to his St George counterpart, and it's nice to see that Paul McGregor is still alive, allegedly.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-60799073358346090022020-07-02T17:07:00.001+10:002020-07-02T17:07:29.654+10:00NRL 2020 Round 8:Choose Life<div>
<i>Sick Boy: </i>It's certainly a phenomenon in all walks of life.</div>
<i>Renton: </i>What do you mean?<br />
<i>Sick Boy: </i>Well, at one time, you've got it, and then you lose it, and it's gone forever. All walks of life: George Best, for example. Had it, lost it. Or David Bowie, or Lou Reed...<br />
<i>Renton: </i>Lou Reed, some of his solo stuff's not bad.<br />
<i>Sick Boy: </i>No, it's not bad, but it's not great either. And in your heart you kind of know that although it sounds all right, it's actually just... shite.<br />
<i>Renton: </i>So who else?<br />
<i>Sick Boy: </i>Charlie Nicholas, David Niven, Malcolm McLaren, Elvis Presley...<br />
<i>Renton: </i>OK, OK, so what's the point you're trying to make?<br />
<i>Sick Boy: </i>All I'm trying to do, Mark, is help you understand that The Name of The Rose is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory.<br />
<i>Renton: </i>What about The Untouchables?<br />
<i>Sick Boy: </i>I don't rate that at all.<br />
<i>Renton: </i>Despite the Academy Award?<br />
<i>Sick Boy: </i>That means fuck all. The sympathy vote.<br />
<i>Renton: </i>Right. So we all get old and then we can't hack it anymore. Is that it?<br />
<i>Sick Boy: </i>Yeah.<br />
<i>Renton: </i>That's your theory?<br />
<i>Sick Boy: </i>Yeah. Beautifully fucking illustrated.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
As we settle back in for another weekend of NRL action, this particular scene from the film <i>Trainspotting </i>comes to mind, as Mark Renton (Ewan McGregor, who is currently sitting at #4 on the list of "blokes I'd probably have sex with", just in case the question "who's a bloke that you reckon Mister Evil Breakfast would have sex with" comes up at your next trivia night), and Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller, who was actually married to Angelina Jolie at one point - put that in your brain for the next time you're at a trivia night and the question "who used to be married to Angelina Jolie and isn't Brad Pitt or Billie Bob Thornton?") (it helps if your local trivia nights have very specific questions, by the way), discuss the theory of diminishing relevance over time, right before they shoot a pitbull in the balls with a BB gun. </div>
<div>
<br />
So let's have a look at the competition as it stands, and see who makes my Sick Boy list:<br />
<br />
Bulldogs:<br />
It's hard to "lose it" when you have never "had it" or even really know what "it" is anymore. <br />
<br />
Broncos:<br />
I could probably name all 13 players, if I had to be honest. Maybe except for that Haas bloke, cos he'd fucken thump me if he ever found me. The most obvious ones are Milford and Darius Boyd, and I'm not scared to lump shit on either of them because I don't think they could thump anyone anymore.<br />
<br />
Warriors:<br />
Poor Warriors. They've been kept away from their homes and families, lost their coach, have officially run out of players and are actually "borrowing" fringe first-graders from other teams until COVID restrictions are lifted, which means that I might even get a run with them, probably around week 12, I reckon. <br />
<br />
Titans:<br />
Oh Jesus, where to start? The Titans threw all of their cash at Ash Taylor a few years back, in the hope that he would develop into a player they could build a team around. That didn't work out the way they wanted (unless building a team of numpties was the intended result), so they threw some money at Bryce Cartwright, who suddenly forgot how to tackle. Then they picked Shannon Boyd, the biggest bloke they could find, whose only weaknesses were running and tackling, but that didn't work either. To sum up, the Titans management are probably to blame here.<br />
<br />
St George:<br />
The obvious target here is Ben Hunt, but I think most of the Dragons' problems are with Corey Norman, who must have pictures of coach Paul McGregor in fairly compromising positions. For all of our sakes, I hope he keeps them to himself. Mary's not in such good shape any more... but I'd probably rather have him playing than Norman.<br />
<br />
Sharks:<br />
Matt Moylan. Easy. Shaun Johnson is probably close, but he's way too attractive to blame for this mess (note: he doesn't make an appearance on my list of blokes I'd have sex with, but does get an honorable mention).<br />
<br />
Cowboys:<br />
Fucken coach Paul Green. The Cows have been in struggletown this year, and he seems pretty clueless about what to do about it, which is not really ideal for a coach.<br />
<br />
Rabbitohs:</div>
<div>
Last week, Latrell Mitchell put in a performance that had pundits everywhere wondering if he was underperforming so badly that ASADA wouldn't even bother checking his wee for peptides ("anyone who drops the ball six times in one game couldn't possibly be on drugs"), or calling for an investigation into his Sportsbet account (<i>Latrell to drop the ball five or more times and make negative metres for his team</i> was paying out handsomely, I would assume). Mitchell came into the game as a 19-year old prodigy - big, fast, strong; he could run, tackle, kick, pass, fend, block, catch, punch on, elbow, knee, kick, spit and get on the piss with the best of the league. Four years on, the perennial 19-year old is fumbling and bumbling his way into every "fuck, that guy should have been great" list that every bloke at the bar has. <br />
<br />
Manly:<br />
I don't hate Manly the way I should anymore, and it just feels wrong. So fuck Dylan Walker; it's not that he was even ever that good, or is even really that bad, I just fucken hate him.<br />
<br />
Raiders:<br />
We were afraid that when the season started and Charnze Nikoll-Klokstad cut off his dreads that his powers had also been chopped, but his last few games have been very much improved. Jordan Rapana gets to be on my shit-list this week, for being a deadset fucken grub, and has lost so much pace this year that he's probably on the "hey Warriors, you want this guy" list.<br />
<br />
Tigers:<br />
Well, according to coach Michael McGuire, Benji Marshall is as useless as tits on a bull, despite leading the Dally M competition at the time of his sacking. Benji has been shit in defense this year, granted, but no one seems to remember him being shit in defense for the past 17 years too.<br />
<br />
Knights:<br />
Mitchell Pearce strikes me as a bit of a dickhead, and I don't rate him much as a player either; I'm never convinced that the good things he does were actually deliberate, or if he's just really, really lucky. <br />
<br />
Storm:<br />
I forgot how many fucken teams there were when I started writing this, and I'm regretting it, but I couldn't be fucked deleting it and trying to find some other shit to write about this week. Fuck the Storm, all of them, and mainly Cameron Munster.<br />
<br />
Roosters:<br />
I have actually never really understood Boyd Coydner, which brings the number of Boyds in this list to three, I think. He just kind of ambles around the field, flopping on tackles and waving his arms around a bit. <br />
<br />
Panthers:<br />
Josh Mansour is a shadow of his former self, but we can blame Josh Dugan on that one. Is it weird that a player competing for Dugan's position on his first international representative tour had his leg snapped in half during a training drill? I don't need evidence, that man is guilty. <br />
<br />
Parramatta:<br />
Parra are doing really well this year, and are very solid across the board... Blake Ferguson is a standout for being a bit shit though, and his mistakes and grubby nonsense are exacerbated by the bigger, faster, better winger on the other side of the field. Sucked in, Fergo, you fucken hack.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bkWJ4MDm7_s/Xv16tK6QXBI/AAAAAAAAFTk/o3584qR9gpoRBmn1q62F_m8xn5nGPRFbgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/horse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="767" data-original-width="1024" height="239" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bkWJ4MDm7_s/Xv16tK6QXBI/AAAAAAAAFTk/o3584qR9gpoRBmn1q62F_m8xn5nGPRFbgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/horse.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Yeah get fucked, the lot of you</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<h3>
Round 8</h3>
<h4>
Melbourne Storm <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Sydney Roosters</span></h4>
Both teams are missing some strike players, and the Chooks certainly did look shithouse when they had to do without a couple of their big hitters. The Storm are without Munster, which can only open up a few other playmaking options for them, the big fucken hog. I like the Storm here, based almost purely on my hatred for Cameron Munster.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Canberra Raiders woo <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs St George Dragons</span></h4>
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Canberra did their best to right their wonky ship last week, but still came second. The Dragons rallied against the defending premiers, but their gameplan of "hope that everyone playing against us gets injured" was only halfway successful. As long as the Raiders can keep their lollies in the pram, they'll come away easy winners this week. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
<h4>
Parramatta Eels<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs North Queensland Cowboys</span></h4>
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Can't go past a Parra win here, even without playmaker Mitch Moses, and despite the Cows getting a comprehensive win in last week. <i>Note to self: come up with hilarious and witty observation before posting this hurriedly and most likely without reading it back to yourself.</i></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Gold Coast Titans vs </span>Cronulla Sharks</h4>
<div>
Well this game will be a thrillhouse from the first kick-off to the final siren. I'm tingling already. I'm imagining that both teams will wake up on Saturday and not want to go to work, and they'll call their coach and say, "yeah nah, not feeling great today, don't think I'll make it in" and the coach will be all "yeah nah, me either hey" and he'll call the ref and the ref will say, "yeah nah, don't worry about it, no one will notice" and they'll just put on highlights from the Australia vs West Indies cricket match from the 1992 World Cup instead, and everyone will be happy. </div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">New Zealand Warriors vs</span> Brisbane Broncos</h4>
<div>
Brisbane coach Anthony Siebold succumbed to growing pressure on his struggling team and has wielded the axe, by putting winger Corey Oates on the bench. Strong flex, Siebs. Obviously it's your left wing that is letting in 30 points a game. If it's possible for a team to finish with minus points, this is the game that will do it.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Wests Tigers vs </span>Penrith Panthers</h4>
<div>
You know it's going to be a good game when the lead-up to the game is on what kind of band-aid Nathan Cleary is going to use on his gigantic head to cover up what Freddy Fittler could only describe as an "infection on his face". </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Manly Sea Eagles vs</span> Newcastle Knights</h4>
<div>
Newy will hopefully come back from last week's shock loss with a bit more vigor than they showed against the Cows, who exposed Mitchell Pearce's shitness and the Knights' over-reliance on Kalyn Ponga to do, well, pretty much everything. Manly got done over by the Sharkies last week, which I can only assume is a sign of things to come, at least until the paper-mache holding Tommy Turbo together dries. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Canterbury Bulldogs vs</span> South Sydney Rabbitohs</h4>
<div>
Sometimes, teams purely exist just so they can get another team back into form. The Bulldogs are that team right now. They are here just so the Rabbitohs' players can remember how to break tackles, take intercepts, throw offloads, score tries, smash people & win games. Thanks Doggies, you're doing great work.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w_fKeIFXyCA/Xv2HbofjBYI/AAAAAAAAFTw/WdB2K3iNE7EZSgyIuAKA9ypp9-wuk3U3wCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/cam%2Bsmith.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="394" data-original-width="700" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w_fKeIFXyCA/Xv2HbofjBYI/AAAAAAAAFTw/WdB2K3iNE7EZSgyIuAKA9ypp9-wuk3U3wCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/cam%2Bsmith.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There's nothing condescending about a 47 year old man telling you that you're not that shit after he puts 50 points on you.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-5929208327218910562020-06-25T17:54:00.002+10:002020-06-26T09:12:22.457+10:00NRL 2020: Round 7 - Sack the Coach<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;">What do you do with a sports team that has lost its ability to win; a group of professional athletes who, when put together on one field, perform as if they've never even seen the game before? They lose the ability to catch, pass, run, tackle, kick or even successfully cheat?</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">One answer is to move them to the Gold Coast and let the laws of nature run its course - just ask the Seagulls, Giants, Chargers, Crushers and the Titans. Another answer would be to move them to New Zealand. Another answer would be to move them to New Zealand and then fire their coach. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Which is kind of what has happened to the poor ol' Warriors. Former Kiwi representative (maybe even captain, I don't know, I couldn't be fucked looking at his Wikipedia site) Stephen Kearney has finally pushed the limits of New Zealand management's patience, and has been asked to join the queues at Centrelink after about thirty unsuccessful years of trying to get the Warriors to give a flying fuck about footy. It may come as a bit of a shock that the NZ coach wasn't an actual sack, so often was the phrase "Sack the Coach" offered through the football circles. Todd Payton has inherited the team, which is quite the achievement, considering that no one else even knew he was a coach in the first instance. Well done, Toddy. It's a win-win situation for any new coach coming in, as no one expects anything from a broken team anyway, so if they lose by 60 points this weekend, the punters will just say "well, at least they didn't lose by 80 like Kearney's team would have" and then they'll quoff their pints and smoke a pipe or something - for some reason, I always imagine the punters discussing the NRL to be like the first-class passengers on the Titanic. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;">Round 7</span></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Penrith vs</span> Souths</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Well fuck me in the ear, it's a Thursday night game that doesn't involve the Broncos. Well done everyone. This should be a cracker, honestly; the Panthers proved me wrong last week by actually winning, and Souths are starting to put together some good performances too. Whether the Pennies can break the "beat the Storm and then fall on your arse the week after" syndrome currently going through the NRL quicker than a dose of Victorian-flu will be a deciding factor. The Bunnies should be on alert to look out for the "give the ball to Kikau" play that Penrith are possibly a bit too fond of using. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Melbourne <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Warriors </span></span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Fun fact: the movie <i>Two Weeks Notice </i>is a romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant, about a relationship between a boss and his employee, but the original script was about how long it actually takes Cameron Smith to get off a tackled player. </span><br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Sydney Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs St George Dragons</span></span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">The Chooks are currently being mentioned as "the greatest team in the modern era" which is ironic considering St George are being called "the worst team of all-fucking-time". <i>That's not irony. </i>Take it up with Alanis Morrisette. It's also ironic that they perform a lot better without James Tedesco, who is currently being hailed as "the best player in the world" (<i>I think that actually is irony)</i>, and I have a sneaky suspicion that he'll be rested from this game after being fucking annihilated last week, although if there's ever a player to flaunt concussion rules to buffer his stats against a low-ranking team, it's Teddy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Nth Queensland vs</span> Newcastle</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Whenever a coach loses his job in the NRL, it must send a few shockwaves right up the bumhole of every struggling team in the league, and Cowboys' honcho Paul Green must be feeling like he has worms right about now. Unfortunately it's not going to get any better for him as his hapless Cowboys come up against the Knights this weekend, who are just starting to prove their credentials, and the next five weeks see the Nerth Quernslenners take on the Eels, Roosters, Panthers, Manly and Raiders, so I wouldn't expect Greeny to stop grinding his arse on the living room rug any time soon.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Brisbane <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Gold Coast</span></span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">LOL @ QLD. All of them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Well, the under-fire Broncos have made a few necessary changes to their struggling outfit by... uh... dropping their fullback and goal-kicker, Jamayne Isaako. Well, that'll fucken fix everything, won't it? I mean, it's not like you need a goal kicker if you can't score tries to start with. Anthony Milford will no doubt prove his critics wrong by having a strong running game, which is really what you want against the perennial wooden spooners, instead of, you know, anyone else. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Parramatta <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canberra woo</span></span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I just don't even know what to do anymore. I show nothing but love, and this... this is what I get back in return. I feel like the Raiders have gone from being the Mighty Ducks from the start of the first movie (fun fact: the first Mighty Ducks film was actually called "Champions"), to being the Ducks from the 2nd movie, and now they're the team from whichever movie it was where they got all cocky and were beaten by Iceland a lot. I think there was a fourth movie that dealt strangely with an application to keep the team together through a college fund, which is probably quite accurate about the next step in the inevitable Raiders evolution.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Manly <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Cronulla</span></span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Manly played with passion, determination, skill, heart, fire, earth, wind, and summoned Captain Planet to bring them victory. It came at a price though, as Turbo Trbojevic sacrificed his hamstring, Dylan Walker offered his knee, and Brad Parker gave his beard to the great blue benevolent god. Cronulla haven't beaten the Sea Eagles in something like 30 generations, but with most of Manly out with latte-related injuries, this is their best bet. But they're shit, so they won't.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Bulldogs vs </span>Wests Tigers</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Well, I guess someone has to win this one, and you can always count on the Tigers to knock off bottom-four teams. It's a chance for the Bulldogs' faithful to bid farewell to a true legend of the game and occasional Bulldogs player, James Graham, who managed to rack up 400+ first-grade games in the front row (fuck that for a joke), and was only involved in a handful of indiscretions; mainly involving biting Billy Slater (and who can blame him) - but my favourite was when he applied an entire tub of Vaseline to his legs before the game to make himself harder to tackle instead of, you know, running at a slight angle. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f9dWhdEM7OE/XvRIKfK_FQI/AAAAAAAAFS4/why5_CGXWSs1wqEmh4n-9Fu_n9TRZFeAQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/JG%2Bvaso.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="299" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f9dWhdEM7OE/XvRIKfK_FQI/AAAAAAAAFS4/why5_CGXWSs1wqEmh4n-9Fu_n9TRZFeAQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/JG%2Bvaso.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Guys, do you think anyone will notice?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
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Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-60268596171338126962020-06-18T16:57:00.001+10:002020-06-18T19:14:01.578+10:00NRL 2020 Round 6: Six againIt's rare in sport that the referee actually gets anything right, and it doesn't even matter what sport it is - they are undeniably a group of the most incorrect, mistaken, blind, stupid, cheating, biased, bribed, useless, shitfuck, dickheaded arse-for-brains bunch of fucken prick-wanker fucktards that even Todd Carney wouldn't piss on (he would) if he'd set them on fire (he would).<br />
<br />
On very rare occasions though, they get something right. And in this case, it's a change in the rules to the NRL.<br />
<br />
In order to stop cheating teams like Melbourne from cheating so obviously by slowing the game down so old man Cameron Smith could keep up with the play, instead of awarding a penalty, it was decided that a "ruck infringement" would instead just nullify the tackle count to the attacking team, and play would continue.<br />
<br />
To put it in context, if James Tedesco makes a break (which he does) and gets tackled (occasionally) by Cameron Munster (illegally, most likely), Munny used to be able to lie around on top of Teddy like a fucken horny lazy walrus until his team could recover their defensive positions for the next play. On occasion, the ref would say "oi Munster, that's too long (that's what she said)," and he'd blow a penalty to the Roosters. Meanwhile, Cam Smith would stop there and discuss with the ref about how Boyd Cordner did exactly the same thing about ten minutes ago, not only that, but how can you tell the Morris twins apart, and what do you think you'll have for dinner tonight? The game has, in essence, completely stopped while old man Smith complains to the ref about how his grandkids don't visit any more.<br />
<br />
The new rule means that the game doesn't stop, so the defending team can't have a quick rest and Smith can't distract the ref about why Dire Straits was the last great rock n roll band. The ref doesn't even give a reason for the restarted tackle count; he just rings an air raid siren, which probably gives Smith a few flashbacks. NRL teams being NRL teams, have found ways to try and bend the rule, by being dickheads early on in the tackle count so a restart is only another extra few defensive plays. I would counter this by making each restart cumulative; so if it's only the second tackle and you get another set, you should have ten tackles. Another infringement on the third, and you've got yourself thirteen tackles.... and fuck, I've just invented rugby union. Never mind, forget this entire thing. Stupid refs.<br />
<br />
An intriguing weekend of football awaits us.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Round 6</h3>
<br />
<h4>
Newcastle <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Broncos</span></h4>
The Broncos dared to show a smidge of promise last week, until a couple of questionable refereeing decisions and some trademark shithouse Brisbane play quashed the hopes and dreams of the Queensland faithful in the most beautiful, perfect way possible.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Souths <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Warriors</span></h4>
The Warriors could spring an upset with this game; on their day, they have the firepower and unpredictability to knock off any team in the league. Of course, on its day, a rhino could come to my house and become my crime-fighting best friend too. With Souths star recruit Latrell Mitchell starting to cash his hefty pay-cheque (imagine getting paid by cheque though, seriously), it's unlikely that the Warriors or Igby the Rhino are going to do much of anything this weekend.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Penrith vs </span>Storm</h4>
I'm not rating the Panthers' chances here. They don't trouble too many teams over 80 minutes; they've failed to defend a 10-point lead twice already this year, and looked very unconvincing in going down to a pretty ordinary Parramatta side last week. Halfback Nathan Cleary complained that he was being sledged over his viral TikTok video. He fucking complained. About being sledged. Because TikTok. Let that sink in for just a moment, while the rest of the world contemplates things that actually merit worrying about.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Gold Coast <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Dragons</span></h4>
I have a son who is almost three years old. I'm going to record this game for him, so that when he comes to me when he's fifteen and announces that he isn't going to finish school and wants to play NRL instead, I'm going to show him this game and say "this is what happens to all the kids who thought they could play NRL for a living." I figure that will scare him into straight A's and he'll graduate top of his school, get a degree, play professional footy for a bit and then take over captaincy of the Australian Cricket Team before he wins the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Tigers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Cowboys</span></h4>
This game is like the orange snakes of the Allens Assorted Lolly Bag - no one goes specifically looking for an orange snake, but when you pull one out (with spearmint teeth), you're pretty indifferent about the situation.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Eels</span></h4>
The Roosters are looking shit-hot after last week, but let's not suck them off just yet - they were only playing the Bulldogs. In any case, this game will be a good chance to see how both teams are actually traveling this year - I reckon the Eels are going to get done, but will come back a better team for it, and sometimes, self-improvement is all we can really ask for.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Raiders WOO FUCK YEAH GO RAIDERS<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Manly</span></h4>
The Raiders were actually a smidge lucky to get away with a win last week (we'll still take it though), and will need to play a whole metric fuck-ton better against Manly this round, who always manage to lift to another level against the Green Machine, like the fucken pricks that they are. It will be interesting to see if Curtis Scott tries to punch on with Dylan Walker again, which is about as interesting and useful as Curtis Scott gets these days; not sure what the Raiders paid for him, but I hope he's still under warranty.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Cronulla vs </span>Bulldogs</h4>
I have a daughter who is 1 year old. I am going to record this game for when she comes to me when she is fifteen and announces that she thinks NRL players are hot. I will show her this game and ask "are they still hot now?" while they run around shitting themselves on the field, laughing about it, dribbling spit down their chins and wiping snot bubbles on their matted arm hair. After that, she will probably move to a cave in the Himalayas just to ensure that the chances of her meeting someone involved in any way with this game are at an absolute minimum.<br />
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<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AL4yKy9KhrM/XusP-HvAatI/AAAAAAAAFSc/CU8JgyjrAlkR1TJrvXXeMmoQwaL6OngfACLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/Wighton%2Beye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AL4yKy9KhrM/XusP-HvAatI/AAAAAAAAFSc/CU8JgyjrAlkR1TJrvXXeMmoQwaL6OngfACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Wighton%2Beye.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jack Wighton is a peg leg and a hook away from going full-pirate.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-9574976779852132702020-06-11T17:04:00.002+10:002020-06-11T17:04:54.256+10:00NRL 2020 Round 5: Siebold and Sie-beautifulThere are few things quite as beautiful in the rugby league world as a team getting thoroughly tonked every week; usually we can rely on the Titans to bring us our share of shellackings, or the Warriors to instantaneously forget what football is, or the Knights to provide us with some Benny-Hill-style buffoonery - but we are currently in that rare realm of the cosmos where the most shithouse team is the Brisbane Broncos, and my god it's brilliant.<br />
<br />
In the last two weeks, the Ponies have given up close to a trillion points as they struggle to cope with a faster-paced game, the retirement of some club stalwarts, the non-retirement of Darius Fucking Boyd, some shithouse new recruits, and a coach who looks like he's handing out Happy Meal vouchers after every game, and ensuring that the players all know that "they did their best" and "he's proud of them regardless" and "it's just good to see them getting outside." <br />
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Traditionally, the Broncos have had their roster filled with players with 300 games of experience; the kinds of guys you could trust to elbow a bloke in the back of the head, or break their nose with a raised forearm. Unfortunately for the Horsies, those players have all retired or been arrested. <br />
<br />
Last week, the Bronx opted to fill the void of experience by bringing in a host of players that were found wagging Maths in fourth period, which strangely did not reap great rewards against the Roosters. This week, coach Siebold has moved away from his "well, I fucken tried that idea once" tactic and has selected Ben Te'o to bolster his team. Te'o brings with him a swathe of experience, having entered the NRL in 2007. He played Origin, has represented Samoa, is a fair unit, has had domestic violence charges - everything looks perfect. EXCEPT HE HASN'T PLAYED IN 6 YEARS.<br />
<br />
How the fuck did that decision ever come around?<br />
"Hey Anthony, last week's performance really wasn't quite up to par."<br />
"I know, CEO of the Broncos, but we're preparing really well for Round 5." <br />
"Fantastic. We're talking recruitment, right?"<br />
"You bet."<br />
"Great, we're on the same page. There's a couple of young centres coming through the QRL that I'd like to get a look at; of course, that would mean we'd have to fuck Darius off - which would free up $800,000 of our salary cap and get rid of a gaping hole in the defensive line, as well as offer something in attack--"<br />
"Te'o."<br />
"..."<br />
"Te'o."<br />
"Anthony, it's 2020. I hate having to remind you of that three times a week." <br />
"Te'o."<br />
"..."<br />
"Te'o."<br />
"If I say yes, will you leave at the end of the season?"<br />
"Te'o."<br />
"Fuck it, good enough. Start packing your shit though."<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RhSA9Ixtcn8/XuHXOzwwTeI/AAAAAAAAFRo/T8Ip6SntIQM_Hpuf3la4chHx-kmFn8t9QCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/jarrod-Croker__45002874.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="740" data-original-width="740" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RhSA9Ixtcn8/XuHXOzwwTeI/AAAAAAAAFRo/T8Ip6SntIQM_Hpuf3la4chHx-kmFn8t9QCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/jarrod-Croker__45002874.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">For $99, you too could own a repainted Josh Reynolds doll. Jarrod Croker would be rolling in his grave. You know, if he was dead. But he's not. As far as I know. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<h3>
Round 5</h3>
<h4>
Manly <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Broncos</span></h4>
Manly will be missing the likes of Jorge Tafua and Curtis Sironen in their lineup tonight, so will probably only win by 40. I think I've shit on the Broncos enough for one day.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Warriors vs </span>Cowboys</h4>
The Cowboys will be doing something that they haven't tried in about twelve seasons; bringing in a new player. Young gun Hamiso Tabui-Fidow makes his debut on the wing as a threat to the "fastest man in league" moniker, as well as giving Erin Molan an anxiety attack.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Parramatta <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Penrith</span></h4>
FUN FACT: Both teams are undefeated this year, but Penrith don't really count because they had a draw and it's basically the same as a loss. Nathan Cleary returns from his ban for dancing like a twat on social media, and I understand that as punishment he also had his MySpace account shut down.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Souths <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Titans</span></h4>
NRL Tipping 102: Keep betting against the Titans, last week was a fluke. <br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Newcastle vs</span> Storm</h4>
Here's a drinking game to keep you entertained: every time one of the Channel 9 commentators says "oh that's very unMelbourne-like" whenever Melbourne do something typically Melbourne-like, such as Cameron Munster being a grubby fuck, or the Storm #6 opts to run instead of pass, or the five-eighth comes out of his line and misses a tackle, or he drops the ball or gets sin-binned twice in a grand final. <br />
The Knights will be looking to keep their giant-slaying form going, all on the back of gun centre Bradman Best, whose parents took a massive fucking gamble when they named him.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Tigers vs</span> Canberra woo go Raiders woo</h4>
The Raiders were so keen to get rid of their "Faders" tag by not even competing last week. They come up against their proverbial bunnies, ironically not South Sydney, for round 5. Known niggler (and you know I had to spell check that a thousand times) Curtis Scott comes up against known hot-head and serial grub BJ Leilua; if Scott hasn't had his face ripped off by a very angry Samoan by the twelfth minute, I'll give up Raiders Lime for an entire day.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Bulldogs vs</span> Roosters</h4>
Fuck, it's an easy little trot for the Chooks lately, huh? First the Borncos and now the Doggies. For those missing cricket at the moment, keep an eye on this score, which is likely to be 0-62.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">St George vs</span> Cronulla</h4>
LOL @ StGeorge, amirite. <br />
<br />
I'm right, alright. The Dragons haven't managed to cross the stripe in two games, which sounds like even more when you say 160 minutes of football, which sounds a lot worse if you add in the time off since Round 2 ended and say "since 20 March." Stupid Dragons.<br />
<br />
<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-63207853957350592932020-06-04T19:42:00.001+10:002020-06-04T20:52:08.675+10:00NRL 2020 - Round 4: "THE BEST THING ABOUT THE NRL IS THIS BLOG"The coronavirus quarantining rules have affected our daily lives in ways that I don't think anyone had anticipated; there was that weird toilet paper shortage between April and May, the "I can bake my own fucking bread thank you very much" trend, and the "argh I don't have a job anymore" issue. Of course, there was also the "oh look, we can use our leftover masks from the bushfires last month" fad and the "argh I'm seriously dying" craze that swept the country for a while. In between using single socks to wipe our asses and disinfecting individual Rice Bubbles before eating them, we also lost the ability to leave the house to do pretty much anything - go to the pub, go to the movies, go shopping, and most importantly, go to the footy<strike> to yell abuse at Josh Dugan</strike>, as everything closed down, including stadiums. The Roosters reported no difference to their playing experience, with captain Boyd Cordner noting that "the atmosphere was electric", and he thanked the crowd for coming out by signing an autograph for coach Trent Robinson, and posing for several selfies with halfback Luke Keary and the Morris twins.<br />
<br />
The NRL took their social distancing and cleanliness measures pretty seriously; the Titans' defense refused to go within 1.5metres of anyone, the Burgess brothers finally had an excuse as to why they handled the football like a wet bar of soap, and the Broncos finally had a reason not to accept the invitation to Darius Boyd's Tupperware parties. Souths' supporters' teeth finally felt like they were doing the right thing.<br />
<br />
With no crowds available to fill Latrell Mitchell's pockets, the NRL had to look elsewhere for revenue, and have opened up the empty stadiums to the supporters of the game to fill with life-sized cardboard cut-outs - all for the low-low price of $22. Unfortunately, St George coach Paul McGregor misread the memo and instead opted to fill his team with cardboard cut outs for the opening three rounds. The under-fire coach has reportedly been given a three-game timeframe in which to turn the Dragons' season around, with former Sharks mentor and part-time drug pusher Shane Flanagan ready to step into the role. If that happens, look for a late run for the Red V to make a push for the finals, win Ninja Warrior and rob a servo.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1-rtqOPkUio/XtjB07wgC2I/AAAAAAAAFRE/w6M52yqIo7QEEFh6uuCNtcd0cHIRReCtgCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/cutouts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="744" data-original-width="1240" height="192" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1-rtqOPkUio/XtjB07wgC2I/AAAAAAAAFRE/w6M52yqIo7QEEFh6uuCNtcd0cHIRReCtgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/cutouts.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And the crowd goes mild</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<h3>
Round 4</h3>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Broncos vs </span>Roosters</h4>
<div>
The Broncos have not looked great this season, which warms the cockles of my heart like you wouldn't believe. They have opted to put in the youngest team in premiership history to take on the experience of the Roosters tonight, and let's hope (for once) that the Chooks put them through the ringer and destroy their confidence, careers, prospects and any chance of reproducing for years into the future. Just saying.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
Panthers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Warriors</span></h4>
<div>
Everyone loves an underdog story, and the Warriors are about as underdog as you could possibly be, without actually being... um... a dog... that's, you know, under... I guess. We all wish our Kiwi cousins the best, but we also secretly hope that they lose, but maybe only by a couple. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
Storm <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Rabbitohs</span></h4>
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">If the Storm looked underdone last week, it's fair to say that the Rabbits looked raw as fuck, and if someone served me that in a restaurant, I'd probably send it back. Unless it was a sushi restaurant and someone explained to me that it was meant to be raw, in which case I'd probably order something else. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Eels vs </span>Manly</h4>
<div>
A lot of experts (aka people who are not me) are tipping the Eels to challenge the premiership this year, but I think the dirty Sea Eagles are a dark horse - not literally of course, I know what a fucking eagle looks like, and I know they are very different to horses. I'm tipping an upset, and when it comes to picking Manly to win, you know I'm very, very serious.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Cowboys vs</span> Sharks</h4>
<div>
Christ, I don't fucking know. Or particularly care, to be honest. It might be mildly interesting to see how Valentine Holmes is treated by his ex-teammates, but I'm imagining it to be how all inmates react when they see someone they know. I'm tipping Sharks, but that depends on Matt Moylan injuring himself early in the game, or during warm-up.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
Raiders <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Knights</span></h4>
<div>
Go you Raiders. Fuck yeah. And it seems like we'll have to do it all without John Bateman, whose head is in Canberra, heart is in Wigan, wallet is in Bankstown, and a shoulder coming in from Taiwan any day now. Kaylyn "Pretty Sure I Misspelled That" Ponga is back from suspension, and carries on his scrawny little shoulders the hopes and dreams of the Novacastrians. Here's hoping we fucken crush em like ants.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Titans vs </span>Tigers</h4>
<div>
Tipping NRL 2020, lesson #1: Tip against the Titans at all times.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<h4>
Bulldogs<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Dragons</span></h4>
<div>
This is what we get for having two public holidays in a row. They said life wasn't meant to be easy, and this game is living proof. What a sad state of affairs. Go Dogs, but only because I fucken hate the Dragons right now, and I have a minor crush on Lachlan Lewis. I know all he can do is put up bombs, but he just does it so relatively adequately that I can't help but admire him. Sportsbet have got Kieran Foran shattering his pelvis before halftime at $8, which I just can't go past. </div>
<div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></div>
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<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-47311989588548451982020-05-28T18:18:00.001+10:002020-05-28T18:18:21.707+10:00NRL 2020 - Round 3: We're back, motherfuckers!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hi everyone, Mister Evil Breakfast is back to cover all
things NRL – sorry I missed a few games; I was taking a relaxing cruise (thanks
to my sponsors at the Ruby Princess) following a bat tasting / sex tour (you know
how those things go) of China.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I c</span>ame back
feeling a bit off, to be honest, but I didn’t want to let a little bit of a
cold get in the way of my hectic social life, so I made sure that I went out to
see people every day; the worse I felt, the more people I visited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel much better now, especially after I went to see Bryce
Cartwright’s <s>doctor</s> wife for some medical advice, followed by Bronson
Xerri’s doctor for a booster shot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After
a quick jog around the earth and bench-pressing Anthony Milford after his 11am
Maccas run, I feel great.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bit fucken good to have the NRL back again, innit?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s kind of strange to feel like Phil Gould
on Origin night when it’s actually just the opening of Round 3, but after a tough
isolation period (right, Nathan Cleary?), we will take whatever we can get. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I have only just remembered my blog password (note to
self: it’s <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">latrellmitchell19$10m</b>)
and I deadset thought the footy started tomorrow, I’d better crack on with some
predictions.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="How good were NRL coaches at playing rugby league - NRL" height="145" src="https://www.nrl.com/siteassets/2020/covid19/coaches_20200418-1.jpg?center=0.18%2C0.52&preset=hero-primary-wide" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<h3>
NRL Round 3 2020</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Broncos vs</span> Parramattas</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mind is fuzzy (I visited Josh Dugan on the weekend), but
I’m pretty sure the last time these teams met, the Broncos were on the wrong
end of a 58-point shemozzle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s
hoping that the Eels pick up from where they left off, because sometimes it’s
just nice to read online comments from irate inbred Queenslanders when they lose
terribly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h4>
Cowboys <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Tits</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Speaking of inbred Queenslanders, this game should be banned
before it starts COVID-20.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With reports
that Bryce Cartwright will not be playing (due to polio, possibly), the Cowboys
are going to have to find a whole new defensive lapse in the Gold Coast
armour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Normally that wouldn’t take
long, but you can’t really give North QLD too much credit.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h4>
Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Rabbitohs</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally, a game that is worth watching… on paper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But since it’s the Roosters, they’ll just
slow the whole fucking game down, wrestle, complain, cheat, bribe and
ultimately most likely notch up their first win of the season.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Warriors vs </span>Dragons</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fuck, NRL, is this your idea of a “welcome back” party?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel sorry for the Warriors, who somehow
managed to injure their entire starting line-up during the break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For those unaware of how breaks work, it
would be like failing the following school year during the Christmas
holiday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I think I’d like to
go to New Zealand, but then I look at their footy team and just stay at home.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Sharks vs</span> Tigers</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
OHMYGOD the Sharks have been hit with another drug cheating
scandal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fuck me drunk, who would have
ever guessed that would happen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
just unheard of, if it was 2016.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s
hoping that they all get caught in 13 unrelated incidents on the way to the
game and they have to call it off and send the Sharkies to Perth, or Wuhan or whichever one is more likely to kill off a franchise quicker.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Storm vs </span>Raiders go fucking Raiders woo</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AW YEAH go you fucken Raiders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After having a slanging match with a journo
in which only half of the words were misspelled, the Raiders’ John Bateman will
be keen to prove that his heart lies in Canberra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It would also be nice for the other players
to prove that too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All eyes will be on
Curtis Scott as he lines up against his old team.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I mean <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">old</i>, like Cam Smith was mates with Noah, which is how he knows so
much about boats.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h4>
Panthers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Knights</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This one is straight from the “who gives a fuck” vault, and
the answer is “not me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h4>
Manly <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Doggies</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh Jesus, why do you do this to me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On one hand, fuck Manly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then, fuck the Doggies too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-50458848027808133902020-01-10T10:56:00.002+11:002020-01-10T10:57:12.059+11:00BREAKING NEWS - the Prince formerly known as Prince HarryThis week, the world woke up to the news that Prince Harry and his missus, model-slash-actor-slash Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle, have decided to "<a href="https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/royals/stepping-back-harry-and-meghans-bombshell-announcement/news-story/f6d3895967d8f6f42e719251765640bb">stand down" from royal duties</a> and will instead opt to become "financially independent" and split their time between doing sweet fuck all in England and doing even fucking less in North America.<br />
<br />
Obviously this has created quite the panic around the globe, as we try to get used to the idea of a guy who was previously paid millions of pounds to not do anything, who is now going to do nothing and not get paid for it. Personally, I think it's a good thing, as it means I am ever-so-slightly closer to being next in line for the throne; all I really need is a World War to break out exclusively in London, and I'll be posing for my royal portrait by the time My Kitchen Rules is over.<br />
<br />
Harry and Meghan's decision to relinquish their duties breaks with royal tradition, I get that. But what exactly has royal tradition brought the world, other than generations of inbreeding and a shit-tin of ponce and ceremony? If we'd stuck with tradition, Henry VIII would probably still be chopping his wives' heads off - instead, ol' Hank 8 created a new religion in which divorce was legal. I'm sure when this was suggested, the Axe and Guillotine Makers Union had a field day in the press too.<br />
<br />
This may even start some kind of precedent which forces the stuffy old royal-born paedophiles and lizard-people, and all the other balding ugly buck-toothed swamp donkeys in the palace to safely remove their polo mallets from their silver-lined arseholes and become functioning members of society.<br />
<br />
Thanks for your service, Prince Harry. I'll never forget all those times that you did something, which was probably watching a World Cup final for free.<br />
Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-10866685975032318042019-01-29T16:40:00.001+11:002019-01-29T16:51:31.112+11:00Married At First Sight 2019 application<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221; font-size: 10.5pt;">Australia’s
favourite secret shame of free-to-air television viewing has returned for
another season of poorly-scripted reality drama and Instagram models looking for a
call-up to the next season of Dancing with the Stars.</span><span style="color: #222221; font-size: 10.5pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221; font-size: 10.5pt;">I figured that
I am ready to “find love” and go on “a journey” because I “deserve to be happy”
and I’m sick of “dating” like a “normal person”, so I decided to apply to
Married At First Sight to partake in this amazing “social experiment” that is
in no way like putting a bunch of roosters in a box and watching them
disembowel each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221; font-size: 10.5pt;">Here is my
ACTUAL application for the show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
watched the first episode last night, so I don’t think I was successful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222221; font-size: 10.5pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221; font-size: 10.5pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">I apologise for any formatting fuck-ups, it's a pretty long application and they use different fonts and settings for it, so it really doesn't translate too well here.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222221; font-size: 10.5pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221;"><b>Are you single and looking for the love of your life?</b></span><span style="color: #222221;"><b> </b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221;">No.</span><span style="color: #222221;">
</span><span style="color: #222221;">Wait, I mean yes.</span><span style="color: #222221;"> </span><span style="color: #222221;">Yes. I am very
interested in finding my keys… I mean love LOVE LOVE.</span><span style="color: #222221;"> </span><span style="color: #222221;">I am very interested in finding love.</span><span style="color: #222221;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221;"><b><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Are you tired of swiping left in bars and want to find your perfect
match? </span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221;">You don’t swipe left in bars. I think you’ve mixed up “going outside” with “not
going outside”.</span><span style="color: #222221;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222221;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Do you know of someone who deserves a partner to fulfill their dreams? </b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221;">I thought this was meant to be about me. Also, do you know how to spell “fulfil”? You don’t, by the way.</span><span style="color: #222221;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Are you ready to put your heart on the line and settle down? </b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221;">Not at all, but I don’t think that’s what
you’re looking for either. </span><span style="color: #222221;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Married
at First Sight is searching for men and women of ALL ages and backgrounds
and diversity who are genuinely ready to commit to love. This groundbreaking
social experiment is returning and will continue to help Australian singles
find their potential lifelong partner using the science of matchmaking.</b><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The term "science of matchmaking" might just be a little bit misleading, but I am not proficient in the "science of using the word 'science' to make idiots think this is real". <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />
</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>There’s just one
catch.......you’ll meet for the first time on your wedding day.</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222221; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Yes, I am aware of that. It's in the title of your show.</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221;"><b><br /></b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>This is not a
competition and there is no cash prize.</b></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222221; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Oh. In that case, could I borrow $20?</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>This is a once in
a lifetime opportunity to find LOVE.</b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #222221;">It's not though, is it?</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221;"><span style="font-size: 10.5pt;">
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<hr align="center" noshade="" size="2" style="color: #6e6d6d;" width="100%" />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222221; font-size: 10.5pt;"><br />
</span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>What is your height in
Centimetres ** It is important you measure yourself for an accurate reading**</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank you, I
understand how measuring something is the most accurate way of getting an
accurate reading. I’m assuming that the
bar for this show isn’t being set that high.
I appreciate how exact height measurements is important when it comes to
pretending to be married to someone. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">When I was at uni,
there was this one time my friend and I were waiting for a class to start, and he pulls a tape measure out of his bag – I think it was like one that
you get in a pack of condoms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To pass
the time, we started taking bets on how big things were – like the length of
the desk, wrist circumference, etc. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
a long time, we would estimate the height of stuff, like "How tall do you
think that mailbox is?" and we'd have a guess then we’d measure it (with a real tape
measure).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We used to keep a tally going
for years. I was winning at last count, so I'm pretty good at measuring with my eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>What is your weight
(in KGs)?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
About 75kgs
actually. There's no joke or story behind this, it's just what I weigh. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>Tell us about your
upbringing and relationship with your parents.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We moved around a
lot – I guess that was typical of a family of surfing bank robbers on the run
from the FBI. My dad was pretty strict;
he was a police officer who threatened to send me to military
school if I failed my history class. I
was able to pass thanks to the help of some friends and a magical
time-travelling phone booth. I wish I
had that same phone booth when I thwarted a crazy guy from blowing up a busload
of passengers, boy that would have made it easier! Later, I would live in a different universe
to a girl I met on that bus, and we’d send postcards to each other in the same
house. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What did your
parents teach you about love?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background-color: white;">My parents believed that children are the future.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">“Teach them well and let them lead the way.”
They showed them all the beauty they possessed inside & gave them a sense
of pride to make it easier.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">I let the
children's laughter remind me how I used to be.</span><span style="background-color: white;">
</span><span style="background-color: white;">Everybody’s searching for a hero; people need someone to look up to - I
never found anyone to fulfil my needs.</span><span style="background-color: white;">
</span><span style="background-color: white;">It was a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's
shadows; if I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">No matter what they take from me, they can't
take away my dignity.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">Because the greatest love of all is happening to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found the greatest love of all inside of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The greatest love of all is easy to achieve;
learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What will be your
parent’s reaction to you being on MAFS? Will they be supportive or against the
idea?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Probably against it,
to be honest. I reckon my mum will actually
try to run me over. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>Who do you live
with?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<s><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">My wife</span></s><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> No one.</span><span style="color: black; font-size: 9.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>How would your
friends describe you?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Hilarious; the
funniest guy in the world. Also the most handsome and athletic and dresses
really well and is super rich.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What would your
family say are your worst character traits?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Lying, narcissism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What are you
passionate about, tell us about your hobbies and life interests.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Spear fishing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s seriously all I can think about some
days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just standing there, poised at the
edge of the water with my spear and trying not. to. make. any. movement so I
don’t scare away the fish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is quite
cathartic for me, to put myself into a kind of meditative frame of mind for so
long just standing there with my spear gun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Apparently the lifeguard at the pool didn’t find it quite as calming,
nor did the mothers of the swim school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>List three things
about yourself that are interesting or unexpected.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. I still actively use my Yahoo mail address.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do my crosswords with a motherfucking pen,
because fuck you, that’s why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, I
can never find a pencil.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It took me three attempts to watch that XXX movie
with Vin Diesel in it because I kept falling asleep during it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still don’t think I’ve seen it all, but
that’s ok because I don’t think it’s actually a very good film.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What is your
greatest regret / biggest mistake in life?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Undertaking this
application is probably right up there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>What do you love to
do in your spare time?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m a fairly simple
guy, I like to keep in shape and eat healthily, but still find time to meet up
with friends for a frosty beverage or to watch movies, read books and listen to
music.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life be too short not to enjoy
thar simple things in loife, lest ye be walkin’ the plank wi’ Davy Jones n
tharother landlubbin scurvy scoundrel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I also enjoy
pirating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>Talk me through your
perfect Saturday night.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Why, are you
free?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> My Saturday nights usually involve a whole lot of lube and a bottle of wine. </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>Are you someone who
embraces change or do you prefer security within your comfort zones?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Let’s just say that
the other day I drank milk straight out of the bottle without checking the expiration
date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, I guess you could say that I
live life pretty much on the edge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">The milk was bad, by
the way, and I almost vomited in the sink, but most of it went straight into
the cutlery drawer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That reminds me, I
really should clean that out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Do you have any
children?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of which I will actually admit to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Would you like
children or more children if you already have some?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Sure, as long as
they’re good looking and successful and smart and shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>Please list links to
all of your social media accounts. Eg Facebook, Twitter etc.</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Facebook.com,
Twitter.com etc.com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had an Instagram.com account but it was hacked by some fucken Russian guy, so now I don’t know what
to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had like 5 photos on it and
followed about 8 people so my life is pretty much over now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Tell us about your
current living situation.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">It’s not a tale for
the faint-hearted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I live a life of
intrigue and mystery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a house,
and I built a wall down the middle of it, so I have like an apartment on *this*
side and an apartment on *that* side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
*this* apartment I have furniture, clothes, food, books, my cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In *that* apartment, I have different
furniture, different clothes, different food, different books, different
cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I live on one side for a while
until I get tired of it and I take off my clothes and put my book down on the
counter and move to the other side and I plan to keep flip-flopping like this
until I die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>What is one major
thing about yourself that you’ve never told anyone?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">When I got an
injection at the doctors, I said that it didn’t even hurt, but it really did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>Are you seeking a
relationship with a man or a woman?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">I’m a modern guy
living in a modern world. You throw someone at me and I’ll do my best to tonk
them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>What is your current
relationship status?</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><i>(This answer is a
drop-down selection, with “married” being included along with dating, in a
relationship, engaged, de facto and other).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Naturally, I picked other.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: black; font-size: 9.0pt;"> <select name="A_71798">
<option value="">select
</option><option value="55431">Single
</option><option value="55432">Dating
</option><option value="55433">In a relationship
</option><option value="55434">Engaged
</option><option value="55435">De Facto
</option><option value="55436">Married
</option><option value="55437">Divorced
</option><option value="55438">Widowed
</option><option value="55439">Separated
</option><option selected="" value="55440">Other
</option></select><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If other, please elaborate:</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Married<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Help us understand why you are looking for love.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Aren’t we all just looking for love?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The yin to our yang, the Cheech to our Chong,
the buttonhole to our corresponding button?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The ocean to our dolphin, the Wolverine claws to our Wolverine, the
petals to our flower?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pen to our
paper, the workchair to our desk, the coffee to our mug, the staples to our
stapler, the mousepad to our mouse, the “to do” list on my desk, the “final
warning” email in my inbox, the meetings with human resources.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What are some of the challenges you have faced on your
search for true love.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Probably just being too good looking, you know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, I went through a phase of wanting to
have a man bun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t have one, by the
way, but I’ve definitely thought about it, but my hair doesn’t really grow like
that, you know?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Note: this year’s
season of Married At First Sight has a guy who describes himself as being “too
good looking” and another guy with a man bun.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What qualities are important to you when it comes to friends
and partners?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m a pretty simple, down-to-earth person, so I really look
for easy-going, gullible rich people who are somehow still desperate for
company and have a penchant for hard drugs and liquor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What qualities do you dislike in other people?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You know how people are rude to customer service workers,
like checkout operators and waiters and flight attendants and everyone hates
those people because they don’t deserve that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I hate those people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fuck the waiters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Go get me a drink, or bring me salad or something. I'm not paying for this. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Would you like to get married one day?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like, for real or just a pretend marriage like in this show,
or when you were four years old and you dressed up and married the girl down the end of
your street?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because they both rank
about equal on the “marriage” scale.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If yes, what is your ideal timeframe?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I couldn’t do anything til after 2pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Are you open to talking about love honestly?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The movie is called Love Actually, you dickhead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I will talk about it for several minutes
until I realise that I keep getting it confused with a Katherine Heigel
film.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever been married?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not going to lie to you about this, beat around the bush,
change the subject or steer the conversation away from answering this very,
very important question, so all I will say is that I absolutely, positively,
100% can wholeheartedly say that in all honesty, there is a very high and
probable chance and inevitability that at some point, in the past, that there
have been people who would be likely to say that they have indeed been involved
in a marriage. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>When was your last relationship and how long did it last
for?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It didn’t take very long, to be honest, but I’m taking pills
for that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Approximately how many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As many as it takes, tiger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever tried to find love online?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s so much stuff online that it’s ridiculous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I deadset can’t keep up with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You go out looking for a t-shirt, and all of
a sudden you’re up to your eyeballs in porn, and then there’s an ad for some sexy
singles in my area looking to hook up with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s all very flattering, and who am I to deny them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>What other methods have you used to find love?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The rhythm method, the pull-out method.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried reverse cowboy but I threw out my
hip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Would you describe yourself as lonely?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Aren’t we all just a little bit lonely sometimes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And fuck off for being so judgey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not like your life is perfect. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Tell us about the most romantic gesture you have ever made.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a few years back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was in a crowded bar, it was dark, the music was loud, I was about
thirteen drinks in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw the most
beautiful girl standing at the bar and I knew that I would regret it if I didn’t
at least try to talk to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I waited
for her to get her drink and I followed her across the room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stood next to her and stared at her, trying
to catch her eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually she
succumbed to my charms and we locked our gaze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I slowly made an O with the fingers on one hand and pointed my index
finger with the other and made a “penetration” gesture to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said no and I think she got a little
scared. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever been unfaithful to a partner? If so can you
tell us why.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
HAHA you sound like my girlfriend, and my ex-girlfriend and
my wife.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<b>
Have you had any medical problems eg. spinal injuries, asthma, allergies,
epilepsy, diabetes or mental illness within the last 5 years?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please describe in detail:</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah you’d like that in detail, wouldn’t you, you sick
fucks?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you had cosmetic surgery?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please describe in detail:</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve had COSMIC surgery, how about that? I haven’t though, I don’t even know what it
is. I don’t think it exists,
actually. No, probably not.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Do you have any other health issues we should know about?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld, where George and
Susan went to visit the Bubble Boy because Jerry was following them to Susan’s
family’s holiday house in the Hamptons and they got separated?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That was a great episode.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The
Moops!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LOL it still cracks me up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Do you have any allergies?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please provide details:</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am allergic to paprika and coriander, but only when they
are combined in the same teacup and also only on the second full moon of the
cycle in Saturn’s eclipse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not
usually an issue, and I’m on extensive medication for it, so it's not really an issue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever applied for a TV Show?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If yes, which show and what stage did you get to in the
process?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes actually, I was selected to be in the audience for “Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire” in 2001 but I was deemed “too drunk” to make it
through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they didn’t want people to
pee openly in the studio, they shouldn’t have let me smuggle in a whole goon bag
under my jumper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also auditioned for “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”
and came second.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever appeared in the media (TV, Newspaper, Online)
in any form?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please provide details.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
YES, I appeared in the Classifieds section under the
headline “Skinny white man seeks same” – I was attempting to find my
doppelganger so I could recreate that scene from “The Parent Trap” at my
workplace, but it turns out that’s not really what the classifieds are
for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever been found guilty of or convicted of any
criminal offence (other than any “spent convictions” that are no longer
disclosable under applicable local law)?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please provide details:</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My lawyer advises me to answer “no” to this question. But off the record (and if I say that, then it's not even admissible in court), yes. I have heaps of convictions. Such is the life of a cattle-rustling bushranger with a meth lab and a penchant for jaywalking. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever been subject to any non-judicial disciplinary
hearings or tribunals (including any registered sporting body)? <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please provide details: </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just don’t understand how it can be deemed a high tackle if
the kid is only four feet tall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What was
I meant to do anyway, just stand there on the sidelines with the other parents
and watch him score against my kid’s team again? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever been subject to an intervention or apprehended violence order (or similar)?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please provide details:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is a trap, right?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Have you ever been declared bankrupt by a court?</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did not say that I was bankrupt, I declared it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yxZ47gGvfeQ/XE_fswCAC5I/AAAAAAAAFBE/nhnPfRdwi5I_xoFoZ7wmXI-P9t-Gd0IRACLcBGAs/s1600/declare.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="268" data-original-width="498" height="172" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yxZ47gGvfeQ/XE_fswCAC5I/AAAAAAAAFBE/nhnPfRdwi5I_xoFoZ7wmXI-P9t-Gd0IRACLcBGAs/s320/declare.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Using gif memes is a great way to make people a bit dizzy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please provide details.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What details could anyone possibly provide here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Are you currently involved in any other dispute or court
proceedings?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If yes, please provide details: </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">As soon as this murder charge goes away, then I can prove my
innocence on the attempted murder charge (don’t worry, it’s a different case) and
aggravated assault (same case), there’s only the kidnapping, arson and
possession with intent to distribute to worry about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they barely have any evidence against me
anyway, except for some CCTV footage and my fingerprints on a heap of weapons
and my DNA (semen) on a whole lot of things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> A lot. Oh, a</span>nd my meth lab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey, have you noticed that at no point in
this application do you ask what my occupation is or where I live?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Will you consent to undergo a Federal Police criminal record
check? (this would be done at a later date). </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You have my word that I am not a criminal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Do you have any criminal charges pending? <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If YES, please provide details:</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went through the self-serve checkout at Woolies the other day and
accidentally pressed “red capsicum” instead of “green capsicum” and I didn’t
tell anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Is there anything else you'd like to tell us? </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I definitely don’t have a rash on my balls. I think Wishing Wells are a scam and nothing
is being done about them. I hate
seagulls but I always feel bad when I see one with a broken wing just kind of
stuck on a beach and it's totally fucked. I'll usually just throw a towel over
its dirty flying-rat head and put it in some shade so it can at least stay cool
before stray cat comes along and kills it for being a fucking asshole that
steals hot chips. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> </o:p> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Do you have any skeletons in your closet? if so, what are
they? </b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Do you ever wonder what Marty McFly was thinking that after
he came back from the past and his mum was trying to bang him, and his
girlfriend had changed to Elizabeth Shue?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Do you think it was connected in any way?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoNormalTable" style="mso-cellspacing: 0cm; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm; mso-yfti-tbllook: 1184;">
<tbody>
<tr style="mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0;">
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal">
<b><input name="A_71839" type="checkbox" value="27101" /><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
<td style="padding: 0cm 0cm 0cm 0cm;"><div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I have read, understood and agree to the Terms and
Conditions<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
</td>
</tr>
<tr style="mso-yfti-irow: 1; mso-yfti-lastrow: yes;">
<td colspan="2" style="padding: 3.75pt 3.75pt 3.75pt 3.75pt;"><div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Yeah, like fuck I'm going to read that. TICK.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Your application is almost complete! Click next to upload
your photos and videos and submit.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Please upload a
recent photo of yourself</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am a part-time silhouette model. You may have seen my work as the guy on a toilet door, or the "green man walking" at the traffic lights. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rUt58BISstY/XE_nUDrIoSI/AAAAAAAAFBQ/cMeGIqyulk0mvzFroJfLnG_a4vsS7gr3wCLcBGAs/s1600/Mister%2BEvil%2BBreakfast%2Bpic.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1033" data-original-width="400" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rUt58BISstY/XE_nUDrIoSI/AAAAAAAAFBQ/cMeGIqyulk0mvzFroJfLnG_a4vsS7gr3wCLcBGAs/s320/Mister%2BEvil%2BBreakfast%2Bpic.gif" width="123" /></a></div>
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<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-41493042809158889162018-09-07T18:50:00.004+10:002018-09-07T18:50:50.227+10:00NRL 2018 - FINALS WEEK 1Well, we made it through another year of the NRL without too many indiscretions. Luckily the Bulldogs players were all available for Mad Monday to maintain the "pissed idiots" quota. I'm not sure why clubs keep having these blow-out sessions in public places when they know that their half-wit players will continually fuck up. Or, you know, the players could also try not to get naked, rail lines of coke off each other's cocks and vomit in the street.<br />
<br />
It's tough being a professional athlete sometimes.<br />
<br />
With the end of the season still leaking out of our nostrils, let's have a look and see how your favourite team faired in 2018:<br />
<br />
Sydney Roosters:<br />
Living proof that it is quite, quite possible to buy a minor premiership and still avoid salary cap breaches. I still don't think they have played their best footy yet, despite coming first, which is a bit shit for everyone else. Cronk is still a liability in defence and has offered about as much in attack, other than "pass to Mitchell and see what happens."<br />
<br />
Melbourne Storm:<br />
We saw glimpses of the future of the Storm this year, and it's not looking particularly great for all three Melbourne fans. Their strength is in their structure, and any deviation from that leads to gigantic weaknesses that make them look like a big ol bunch of purple spastics.<br />
<br />
South Sydney Rabbitohs:<br />
I didn’t rate the Bunnies at the start of the season, then I did, then I didn't again, and now I'm just not sure. They have a gamut of superstars who are yet to fire at the same time. If that happens, the world will probably implode. If the Burgess brothers are the backbone of the team, Damien Cook is all the other bones, and Cody Walker is the skin. Keary is the appendix; you only notice him when he's trying to kill you, Inglis is the damaged cartilage in your knee that makes it hurt when you climb stairs (you know you should get rid of it, but it might also be worse if you do), Crichton is your amputated finger and everyone else is all the other bits that I couldn't be bothered finding analogies for.<br />
<br />
Cronulla Sharks:<br />
Fuck the Sharks, honestly. Still probably the least likeable teams in the entire universe who are known drug cheats, grubs and salary cap frauds. The only reason they are still allowed in the comp is despite all of their dirty chratung ways, they're actually pretty good.<br />
<br />
Penrith Panthers:<br />
How? How how how how how did the Panthers finish in sixth position? They are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. They never looked dominant at any stage this year, and played their best footy when they were down by 30 points with six minutes to go, and win by 12. You can ride that luck for a while, but eventually it's going to kick you right in the testicles.<br />
<br />
Brisbane Broncos:<br />
Hitting their straps at the right time, I'm a bit scared of the Broncos at the moment. Not like really scared though, I'd still fight them. Step up, Milford you fat fuck. They've somehow managed to put some off-field coaching-management issues behind them and performed way better than they deserved to.<br />
<br />
St George Illawarra Dragons:<br />
Still blaming their end-of-season slide on the Origin series that happened three months ago, the Dragons should bow out pretty soon and continue to fall short of expectations like usual. A few injuries haven't helped their cause, but the main issue is the freefall of Ben Hunt, who has lost ability and confidence so quickly that it wouldn't surprise me if someone removed his mask to reveal that he was Josh Mc Crone all along.<br />
<br />
NZ Warriors:<br />
The Warriors are always odds-on favourites to either win the grand final or come dead last, and this year hasn't been much different. They've managed to fly under the radar pretty successfully, and should not be underestimated as a genuine threat.<br />
<br />
Wests Tigers:<br />
The Tiges probably made a few new fans this year under the coaching of Ivan Cleary, and while not coming last was their greatest achievement, they weren't entirely convincing either. With a game plan based more on defence than than trying to score points, they weren't always entertaining to watch, but that is usually the case for any team with Robbie Farah in it.<br />
<br />
Canberra Fucken Raiders:<br />
Another glorious year for the boys in lime green, who ended the season with the highest amount of points scored. That sounds pretty good until you combine it with the fact that they didn't make the top eight, or really go very close to it. The popular fixes for their defensive lapses involved "sack the lot of em!" or "sack Ricky!", but I think the answer mught lie somewhere around teaching the lads how to tackle.<br />
<br />
Newcastle Knights:<br />
Didn’t come last, which is nice for a change. They also gave the rest of the NRL a preview at the next "big thing" in Kalyn Ponga, so we can expect to see him playing for the Roosters pretty soon.<br />
<br />
Canterbury Bulldogs:<br />
Finishing the year on a high, the Doggies eventually turned away from their trusted "let's stick with the same fuys doing the same thing & hope for something different" and threw a couple of young up'n'comers into the mix. Hey, here's a shock: they didn't suck. For a team without any superstars in it, they still had to offload a bit of their talent, plus Aaron Woods, at fire-sale prices. Who's looking after their books anyway, Keiran Foran?<br />
<br />
North Queensland Cowboys:<br />
After making an appearance in the Grand Final in 2017, all it took was the return of their best player, a true legend of the game and undoubtedly one of the greatest players of a generation, to send them to the bottom of the ladder, avoiding the wooden spoon in round twenty-fucking-four. Fairly disappointing year for the Cows, to be perfectly Francis. They probably held onto a few players a bit too long after their "best before" date. You have to pay attention to those dates, unless it's yoghurt. You can eat that forever.<br />
<br />
Gold Coast Titans:<br />
I am surprised to see the Tits so far down the ladder, to be honest. I didn't think they were this shit. Consistency was their greatest enemy this year, along with tackling, handling, kicking and scoring. With another quality half to take some pressure away from Elgey, 2019 could see the Titans at the lofty heights of "only just missing the finals".<br />
<br />
Manly Sea Eagles:<br />
At the start of the year, I had a dream that Manly won the grand final. Obviously this is a signthat I shouldn't pay too much attention to my dreams, except for that one with Star Wars-era Natalie Portman. Manly have got a heap of quality players, so maybe this time - and this time only - the coach is to blame. It was actually a bit rude of them to be so bad at footy but still avoid the wooden spoon.<br />
<br />
Parramatta Eels:<br />
Holy fuck, what happened here? It's not even that the players are that bad, but as soon as they found themselves behind on the scoreboard, or facing sustained pressure (both of which happened this year a lot), the team lost interest, lay down, had a quick wank & fell asleep. I don't think I need to iterate that that is NOT how the game of rugby league is played. Lying down and sleeping is frowned upon. The less that next year's team resembles this year's one, the better.<br />
<br />
<br />
<h3>
Finals Week 1</h3>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Melbourne Storm vs </span>South Sydney Rabbitohs</h4>
It's a tough one to pick, unless you hate the Storm. Munster, Slater and Vunivalu will be back for Melbourne - Munster is only playing for more money for more cocaine at the moment, Slater is pretending that he is as popular as Johnathan Thurston and that anyone cares about his retirement, and Vuni has played like balls all year. Go Souths in a tight one.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Penrith Panthers vs</span> NZ Warriors</h4>
Penruth managed to pull a home final for this match, although you'd have to question whether you would prefer to play a game at your actual home ground, a 20,000 seat sold-out stadium , or to play it in front of 15,000 fans in front of 65,000 empty seats. Either way, the Panthers look done to me, despite limping home last week. Go Warriors bro.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Sydney Roosters<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Cronulla Sharks</span></h4>
Could be game of the round, but knowing these two fucken clubs, it will be shit boring. I have tipped the Chooks, but I might change my mind.<br />
<br />
<h4>
<br />Brisbane Broncos<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs St George Dragons</span></h4>
Inspirational Dragons captain James Graham gave everyone a hot tip during the week: "if youwant to write off St George, put money on the Broncos." Thanks James, that is pretty much what everyone in the world has done. See youse next year.<br />
<br />
<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-76932284954552657972018-08-30T17:13:00.000+10:002018-08-30T17:20:41.840+10:00NRL 2018 - Round 25Lucky last regular round of the season. For half of the competition teams, it means they get to start their summer holidays early, like when you were in high school and you finished your exams before your friends because you did useful subjects like drama and art, while they had to study for an extra week for that precious "English" grade, as if their going to use that ever.<br />
<br />
Big news in the league this week is that Cronulla have cheated the salary cap. This is such a huge shock to me - I wouldn't have thought that a team who had previously used illegal performance-enhancing drugs would be involved in such a scandal, especially if that team had ten representative players.<br />
<br />
<h3>
Round 25</h3>
<br />
Operation “Get Manly the Wooden Spoon” has not been entirely successful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order for the Sea Eagles
to claim their inaugural last-placed award, the Broncos will have to smash the
absolute fuck out of Manly (just for good measure), and the current last-placed
team, the Parramatta Eels, will have to defeat the second-placed Roosters by at
least 52 points.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s not looking good.</div>
<br />
<h4>
South Sydney Rabbitohs <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Wests Tigers</span></h4>
As the old saying goes, "Beware the team with nothing to lose". The Bunnies would normally piss this one in, but their recent form has been shithouse and I wouldn't be surprised if they manage to fuck up the unfuckupabble.<br />
<br />
<h4>
NZ Warriors <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Canberra Raiders</span></h4>
Some would say that the Raiders are at that stage of the season where they are completely indestructible, others would say that the Raiders are heading to New Zealand with the full intention to get on the piss, get loose AF, get some tribal face tattoos and fuck a sheep. Footy will come a distant second to some off-field hijinx.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Melbourne Storm vs <span style="font-weight: normal;">Penrith Panthers</span></h4>
Melbourne could wrap up the minor premiership with a win, and it couldn't come against a team looking more lost than the Panthers. Even Billy Slater couldn't be fucked turning up to farewell his fan for his final home regular-round game.<br />
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<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">
Newcastle Knights vs</span> St George Illawarra Dragons</h4>
Alright, let's give the Dragons one last victory for nostalgic purposes, then they can make like a censor and get the fuck out of there. My prediction last week about Ben Hunt regaining form may not have been entire accurate.<br />
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<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">
Gold Coast Titans vs</span> North Queensland Cowboys</h4>
The Johnathan Thurston jerk-off tour continues, and I wouldn't put it past the Titans to ruin his send-off appearance. The Cows might have saved their best for last week, and no one is ever sure what the Titans' best actually is.<br />
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<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">
Parramatta Eels vs</span> Sydney Roosters</h4>
It's clear that teams have figured out the way to beat the Roosters. No expansive play, get your completions near 90%, take every penalty kick you are given and attack the wings and hope for a Tupou or Ferguson error to give you a try. Cowboys, Raiders and the Broncos all did it, but I'm not convinced that anyone at Parra was paying attention.<br />
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<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">
Canterbury Bulldogs vs </span>Cronulla Sharks</h4>
Will a tumultuous week put the Sharks off their gold-laced steroids enough for the Doggies to upset them? Probably not. Still, wouldn't mind seeing everybody's new hero Reimus Smith run past Val Holmes for a try or two.<br />
<br />
<h4>
Brisbane Broncos<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Manly Sea Eagles</span></h4>
How sad is it that the Broncos are currently the form team in the NRL? Trust me, it's sad. How the fuck did that happen? A team with Boyd, Milford, Thaiday and Kahu shouldn't even be legal. I blame the rest of the NRL for allowing this to happen.<br />
<br />
<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-56464632208254954482018-08-23T15:06:00.001+10:002018-08-23T15:06:02.821+10:00NRL 2018 - Round 24While the rest of the league fucks about with coaching and CEO blow-ups, salary cap breaches, retirees, injuries, drug cheats, assault claims, new tattoos, contract negotiations and very occasionally a game or two of footy, I have decided to concentrate on the sorts of things that really matter in this sport of kings: who has the coolest names in the NRL. <div>
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The last few weeks have introduced some new players such as Shibasaki for the Broncos, and last week Emre Guler received his first-grade jersey for the Raiders (from his mum, who is a good sort and also owns a kebab shop).</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I've scoured the playing lists for the year and have come up with a shortlist of the names that I think are the best. </div>
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<br /><b>Renouf Toomaga</b> (Bulldogs) - everyone knows that if you run off Renouf often enough, you'll score tries. <br /><br /><b>Clay Priest</b> (Bulldogs) – sounds like he should be a genre of character in a fantasy video game, like a Forest Elf or an Ice Dragon. It would probably be one of those games where you walk around endlessly trying to solve a quest and the townspeople just keep repeating the same three phrases at you, and the shop owner wants 20 gold pieces for a leather tunic, but you only have 18. <br /><br /><b>Charnze Nicoll-Klokstad </b>(Warriors) – a game of “what should we name the baby” that was resolved by dipping blindly into the bag of Scrabble tiles.<br /><br /><b>Slade Griffin</b> (Knights) – this is the name of the popular guy in every high school movie set in the 80s. He may wear a leather jacket and he definitely drives a TransAm. “Did you hear that Kimberley made out with Slade Griffin?” “Oh my god, Slade Griffin. He is so boss.” Even the teachers love Slade Griffin, except for the meddling headmaster.<br /><br /><b>Marcelo Montoya</b> (Bulldogs) – Marcelo Montoya's father was a great Spanish blacksmith, who was killed by a six-fingered nobleman over the price of a sword. Marcelo seeks to avenge his father's murder, but is limiting his search to the sidelines of Bankstown Oval. So far, he has not made much progress.<br /><br /><b>Keegan Hipgrave</b> (Titans) – a lesser known character in the Harry Potter series, Keegan made it into the reserve-grade Quidditch team and also excelled in Potions class, finishing 2nd in his year level. In a deleted scene, he asks Hermione to be his partner in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but she says no. <br /><br /><b>Payne Haas</b> (Broncos) - following his defeat of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, the Italian Stallion faces a new challenger in Payne Haas, in what is essentially a remake of the same movie. With dialogue like "Now you're in <i>my</i> Haas!" and "if Payne persists, see your doctor", the Oscar buzz is already palpable with this one.<br /><br /><b>Emre Guler</b> (Raiders) – a low-level Batman villain who trained with the League of Shadows, Emre managed to track Batman back to Wayne Manor, but was soon foiled by Alfred, who wiped his memory with a potion that was never used or mentioned again. <br /><br /><b>Gehamat Shibasaki</b> (Broncos) - a traditional Asian stereotype, Gehemat is a Japanese samurai who honours his family with every breath, does not understand rap or country music, is a humble rice farmer, practices Chinese tea ceremonies with Geishas, is very good at those Dance Dance Revolution arcade games, drinks bubble tea, has outstanding mathematics ability, plays the violin and clarinet, will barter with you on the price of everything, and cannot handle his alcohol. <br /><br /><b>Ofahiki Ogden</b> (Warriors) - part Maori bouncer, part Viking god, part IKEA furniture. Is as simple as he is complex, and is as deep as a hole. <div>
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<h3>
Round 24</h3>
<h4>
Wests Tigers<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Manly Sea Eagles</span></h4>
Last week, the Sea Eagles managed to score 34 points, with five tries being split between the Trjbovic brothers. They still lost. I can't imagine the Tigers leaking that many points, but I also can't imagine them scoring too many either. This is the last roll of the dice for the Wests boys to stay alive in the season, so they'll be clinging onto this one with a GI Joe kung-fu grip. <br /><br /><h4>
NZ Warriors <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Penrith Panthers</span></h4>
Well this is a game that means absolutely dick-all. They should battle this one out through a BeyBlade tournament, and then just kick Penrith out regardless of the outcome.<br /><br /><h4>
North QLD Cowboys <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Parramatta Eels </span></h4>
It's promising to be an emotional game, this one. Not only is this a HUGE step towards either claiming or escaping the wooden spoon, the Cows will be celebrating robo-prop Matt Scott's 250th game, Jake Granville playing his 100th, Jason Taumololo returns from a pissweak suspension ready to fuck some shit up and the golden boy Johnathan Thurston playing in his final game in front of his home crowd. The stage is set for the Cowboys to really let everybody down in spectacular fashion.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Canberra Fucken Raiders vs</span> South Sydney Rabbitohs</h4>
The Rabbitohs have named Johnston and Inglis to make their returns from injury, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the Burgesses will remember how to catch this week too. For the Raiders, Joe Tapine has been ruled out with a foot injury, which means that the role of "giving away stupid penalties" lies solely with BJ Leilua.<br /><br /><h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Gold Coast Titans vs </span>Melbourne Storm</h4>
This game gets my patented "Wouldn't Surprise Me If This Was An Upset" stamp. It also gets my "This Could Be Another Fucking Flogging By The Storm" stamp and a "Cam Smith Is A Little Bitch" sticker. I have a lot of stationery. If the Storm just run at Ash Taylor all game, they should come away with a win here. </div>
<div>
<br /><h4>
Sydney Roosters <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Brisbane Broncos</span></h4>
Hmmmm probably game of the round, to be perfectly Francine with you. The last time they played it was a deadset clanger of a match, with Mitchell and Roberts swapping barbs and flinging shit. A lot has changed since then - Anthony Milford has stepped up his game, Cordner is bending the line, Corey Oates has had a haircut. The last few weeks have seen teams play conservatively against the Roosters to come away with the biscuits, but I don't think that will happen in this game, and we'll see a close, high-scoring match. <br /><h4>
Cronulla Sharks <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Newcastle Knights</span></h4>
This should be an easy with for the Sharkies, but I can't think of anything even remotely interesting to say about it. <br />
<h4>
St George Illawarra Dragons<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Canterbury Bulldogs</span></h4>
The Saints managed to stop their freefall into Shitsville last week, but the top eight is so congested at the moment that a loss this weekend could fuck them right up and end their season somewhat prematurely and explosively. I think Ben Hunt is going to have a blinder and stick this game right up his detractor's arseholes, but then they'll just say "eh, it was only the Bulldogs" and he'll get all sad again. <br /><br /><br /></div>
</div>
Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-56773671090483057652018-08-16T13:03:00.002+10:002018-08-16T13:03:26.169+10:00NRL 2018 - Round 23<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Following last week's shock hooking of Penrith coach Anthony Griffin, other clubs have gotten in on the act as well, hoping that it will inspire their team the way that the Panthers came back against the Titans to notch up an important win. I reckon the Raiders should start firing all kinds of people during the game. Get rid of a couple of the head coach, trainers and physios by half time, then show the door to cheerleaders, mascots, Blake Austin and at least one assistant coach during the second half.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Manly Sea Eagles got in quick with a press release which basically said, "We have no news. Stay tuned!" and then they followed that tantalising announcement with a press conference in which they stated the same thing, but to a room full of journalists. I can't wait for the next instalment of "Because Fuck Manly, That's Why." We all know that coach Trent Barrett is going to get the chop, and no one cares, so why prolong the inevitable? </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7HJUDfl8Etw/W3TlraklatI/AAAAAAAAEak/pImlZD6uk0sFmzpqlrwQb2J_4LS5brdhACLcBGAs/s1600/manly%2Bstatement.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="767" data-original-width="471" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7HJUDfl8Etw/W3TlraklatI/AAAAAAAAEak/pImlZD6uk0sFmzpqlrwQb2J_4LS5brdhACLcBGAs/s400/manly%2Bstatement.jpg" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>It might as well say that "Trent has the full support of the Manly board"</b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Broncos then decided that they wanted a bit of the "our coach is fucked too, hey" trend in the NRL and are at loggerheads with old man Wayne Bennett. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to piss off the Grim Reaper, but I'll let Brisbane handle that for themselves. At this stage, it's difficult to determine whether Brissy are trying to piss Bennett off, or if Bennett is trying to piss off the Broncs, but in the end I don't think it really matters; the important thing is that Brisbane are shit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In fact, Brisbane are in that much trouble that they are actually looking forward to getting Jack Bird back from injury. This is the same Jack Bird who has a McDonalds credit card attached to his contract, who doesn't actually have a position in the team and single-handedly lost two games in his eight appearances for the Horsies this year. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Assuming Jack is on $800,000 per year as was reported, here's a brief rundown of his value to the Broncos in 2018:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">- 636 minutes played, equating to $1,257 per minute. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">- 415 running metres, or $1,927 per metre. Note that Jason Taumalolo knocked up 221 metres in just one game last week. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">- 140 tackles for $5,714 per tackle.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">- 13 tackle breaks @ $61,538.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You're worth every penny, Jack, you fat fuck.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Round 23</span></h3>
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<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-weight: normal;">Brisbane
Broncos vs </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">South Sydney Rabbitohs</span></h4>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Souths were back to their shitty best last week and contributed to fucking up my tips (along with every other fucking team), with Sam Burgess forgetting the first part of his game plan: (don't) drop the ball. The Broncos have had a pretty bad week so let's hope that it keeps going downhill for them and they slide out of the finals. It's also nice to see that both teams have opted not to play with a fullback for this game, with Darius Boyd slotting into the #1 jersey for the Broncs and Dane Gagai taking over for Souths. </span></o:p></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Manly
Sea Eagles<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Gold Coast Titans</span></span></h4>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This game could produce 90 points, 0 points, both teams could win by a lot, both teams could scrape in a victory, it could produce some amazing play or it could be used as an educational tool about what might happen to you if you don't finish high school. </span></o:p></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Melbourne
Storm <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Parramatta Eels</span></span></h4>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh hey Parra, nice of you to turn up last week and destroy a top 4 team by forty points. I mean, it's not like that sort of form would have been handy for the last 20 rounds or anything. Melbourne will probably come out swinging in this one, because they were thoroughly embarrassed by a team with Matt Moylan and Josh Dugan in it last week. </span></o:p></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Penrith
Panthers<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Newcastle Knights</span></span></h4>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Gotta go for someone, right? </span></o:p></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wests
Tigers <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs St George Dragons</span></span></h4>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I actually don't think the Dragons will win again this year. They were absofuckinglutely untouchable at the start of the season, but have fallen in a heap unlike anything we've seen since they did the same thing at the same time last year. </span></o:p></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cronulla
Sharks <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Nth Queensland Cowboys</span></span></h4>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It wouldn't surprise me if the Cows get up again this week. I'm not tipping them, but it just wouldn't surprise me. They are playing very no-nonsense footy right now and are concentrating on just completing sets and moving the ball forward. For those playing along at home, Paul Gallen needs just three more losses to be crowned "Biggest Loser" for an NRL career. I can't think of a more deserving player. </span></o:p></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Canterbury
Bulldogs vs</span> New Zealand Warriors</span></h4>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am about as confident in picking this game as Con the Confidant, who despite his name, was not confident at all, and was renowned for his lack of football tipping prowess. Also, he had a drinking problem and a pretty bad home life. So... you know. Things weren't great for Con. </span></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Canberra
Raiders vs </span>Sydney Roosters</span></h4>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes it's nice just to appreciate the fact that Canberra even has a team. So that's what I'm going to do as I watch try after try after try go against us this weekend. The Roosters could rack up a golf score here. <i>You mean a cricket score? </i>You've never seen me play golf, have you? </span></o:p></div>
<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9285758.post-45686475519637154252018-08-10T13:17:00.000+10:002018-08-10T15:09:46.863+10:00NRL 2018 - Round 22<br />
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WOW WHAT A WEEK IN RUGBY LEAGUE. AN AMAZING 7 DAYS.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Penrith are in the market for a new coach after sacking old
mate Anthony “Hook” Griffin during the week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s a controversial move, you know, firing the head coach of a football
team FOUR WEEKS OUT FROM FINALS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m
sure the Panthers know what they’re doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I mean, it’s not like they would have made such a big decision like
getting rid of a coach if they didn’t have another coach in mind, not saying it’s
Ivan Cleary even though it totally is, to take over the role without actually having discussed
it with him first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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The main reason that the Panthers want Ivan Cleary to coach is
because their halfback, Nathan Cleary, is his son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Legend has it that Nathan sprung from Ivan’s
chin during the mid-90s in full playing gear and slotted a sideline conversion
to win the game for the North Sydney Bears against the Illawarra Steelers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Personally, I think having a father coaching his son probably shouldn’t
happen once high school is over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
remember there was a kid at my high school who was picked for the first XI
cricket team even though he was rubbish, and everyone knew that he was only in
the team because his dad was the coach, AND there were rumours that his mum was
fucking everyone involved in high school cricket as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Actually, whenever anything good happened to
anyone, we just assumed it was because their mum was sleeping with a teacher or
the head of a department, so there’s probably no truth to any of this at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry Tim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m sure you were a good player.<o:p></o:p></div>
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To take a bit of heat away from the Panthers, and because they’re
massive drama queens, the Melbourne Storm called a media conference on
Wednesday for a totally secret announcement that was always going to be about
Billy Slater retiring, because he can’t stand it when the focus is on someone
else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Here’s a list of other things the Melbourne Storm could have announced
that would have been slightly more interesting than the retirement of an
athlete who’s about 300 years old.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
hard to be a professional athlete when you keep asking the trainer for a cup of
tea in back play:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<ul>
<li>They moved to Perth three years ago and no one noticed</li>
<li>They are still cheating the salary cap </li>
<li>They signed Nathan Cleary as coach and Ivan Cleary as halfback</li>
<li>Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was the ghost at
the fairground all along</li>
<li>Billy Slater removes his mask to reveal that he was Sandor
Earl all along</li>
<li>Cam Smith and Billy Slater’s sex tape was leaked. It wasn't very good.</li>
<li>The Storm announce signing of new fullback for 2019, Silly Blater
for $20,000 (plus third-party payments)</li>
<li>Cam Smith removes his mask to reveal that he was Alex McKinnon
all along</li>
<li>Will Chambers decides against kicking ahead and instead opts
to pass the ball</li>
<li>Billy Slater’s Wally Lewis Medal for Player of the Series in
Origin takes off its mask to reveal that it was Kalyn Ponga all along</li>
<li>Cooper Cronk reveals that he was never mates with Cam Smith or
Billy Slater because Cam Smith and Billy Slater have no mates</li>
<li>State of Origin representative Tim Glasby removes his mask to
reveal that he was a $700,000 yacht all along</li>
<li>Clive Churchill receives Brownlow Medal, thanks Billy Slater. Removes his mask to reveal that he is Dally Messenger</li>
<li>Dally Messenger wins Dally M medal, wonders what all the fuss
is about and gives it to Billy Slater, who removes his mask to reveal that he is still Billy Slater </li>
</ul>
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In the end though, Billy decided that his time was up, and closes one of the greatest careers of one of the best fullback to play the
game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not very often that a single
player can bring about so many rule changes that involve attacking the face and
head of an opposition player through the use of your football boots or your
knees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpHanYKynz4">A lot of people will remember Billy for when he kicked ahead in Origin to score in 2004</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll always remember him for when he kicked a
head in every game he played.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<h3 style="margin-bottom: 4.3pt; margin-left: 0cm; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 4.3pt;">
<o:p>Round 22 </o:p></h3>
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<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Nth QLD Cowboys vs</span> Brisbane Broncos</h4>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Broncos bring to the table their latest recruit in Gehamat
Shibasaki, who should be made an Immortal simply based on his name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not often a player of Japanese-origin
gets a game in the NRL, probably because
they’re racist and have shown great dishonour in not serecting more Asians.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Broncs have been in
a lovely downward spiral lately, although they do have a 3-game cycle where
they (1) play really well, then (2) play well enough to win, and then (3) play
like their hands have fallen off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are
currently back at phase (1), so they should get the biscuits in this one.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h4>
NZ Warriors <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Newcastle Knights</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Warriors are juuuust hanging onto the Top Eight, and it
will take some mathematical nonsense for them to miss out on the finals from
here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am wondering if they’re just
going to take things pretty easy from here to avoid injuries, or if they’ll
actually give this “trying to win” business a shot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m tipping the Warriors, but I really have
no fucking clue anymore. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h4>
South Sydney Rabbitohs <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Sydney Roosters</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Bunnies are officially the real deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like, officially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s official.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Roosters have also been doing pretty
well, but an injury to halfback Luke Keary hasn’t done them any favours at the
business end of the year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the
Burgii boys back to bashing blokes with the best of the best for the Bunnies, I
give this an alliterative thumbs up to Souths.<o:p></o:p></div>
<h4>
<o:p> </o:p><span style="font-weight: normal;">Gold Coast Titans vs </span>Penrith Panthers</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think that after last week’s “performance”, we can all
safely assume that the Titans have clocked off for the year… which is EXACTLY
what they want you to think as they spring a surprise attack on the
Panthers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we all know, any team that
sacks its coach during the week has the unnatural ability to annihilate any
opposition that weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not sure
why the Panthers have decided to use their superpower now, against the Titans,
in a match that means absolutely dick-all, but it’s an interesting strategy;
let’s see how it works out for them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<h4>
<o:p> </o:p><span style="font-weight: normal;">Manly Sea Eagles vs</span> Canterbury Bulldogs</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Both teams scrapping to stay off the bottom of the
ladder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This one could get ugly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d recommend recording it and then watching
it back at triple-speed with the Benny Hill theme music going in the
background.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h4>
<span style="font-weight: normal;">Parramatta Eels vs </span>St George Dragons</h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If there’s a team that can drag the Dragons (see what I did
there) out of the slump that they’re in, it’s the cellar-dwelling spastics from
Parra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How are the Saints still coming
fourth?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s just ridiculous; it feels
like they haven’t won a game since April.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h4>
Canberra Raiders <span style="font-weight: normal;">vs Wests Tigers</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
GO YOU FUCKEN RAIDERS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s the traditional 40+ point flogging round; I have no idea why or
how, but Canberra really puts on a show against the Tiges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure the Raiders will somehow manage to
fuck it up, but I’m staying positive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Canberra by 28.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h4>
Melbourne Storm<span style="font-weight: normal;"> vs Cronulla Sharks</span></h4>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After hearing about Billy Slater’s retirement, the Cronulla
Sharks immediately offered him a contract until 2020, bringing their total
number of fullbacks to eighty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think
the Storm will lift again this week, as long as Smith can sacrifice enough virgins
to stay on the field for the full 80 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not a religious offering, Cam Smith just
fucking hates virgins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He won’t even use
olive oil.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aHusQ77huL8/W20DLvFWZhI/AAAAAAAAEYs/zQ8zWkqi2FsKgqmIwZbGmSj5Eh6EaliXgCLcBGAs/s1600/BS%2Bkick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1239" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aHusQ77huL8/W20DLvFWZhI/AAAAAAAAEYs/zQ8zWkqi2FsKgqmIwZbGmSj5Eh6EaliXgCLcBGAs/s320/BS%2Bkick.jpg" width="246" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Get your limited edition commemorative Billy Slater memorabilia before they sell out:<br /> <span style="font-size: small;">"Leaving his mark on the Game"</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />Mister Evil Breakfasthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10241232962766836538noreply@blogger.com0