Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Today, we farewell Bridget "Didge" Napier nee Parker in blog form. Didge introduced herself to the world of Neighbours by walking across the road while listening to her iPod and was hit by a car. The driver of the car was Susan, who was suffering some MS symptoms at the time and blacked out. Didge was left paralysed on one side of her body - I'm fairly sure it alternated whenever she got tired of holding a walking stick in a particular hand - but swiftly recovered. Then she went to a dance party and the roof fell on her; her soulmate Declan dragged her to safety (after first saving her boyfriend... I'm not sure who that says more about, actually). Didge also fell into a swimming pool while paralysed and almost died. Some would say that Bridget was lucky to have made it as far as she did without being killed. I'm surprised she could get out of bed without being suffocated by her pillow.
In the field of love, Didge has dated Declan, Ringo, some guy called Josh, a rapist who she ended up killing, Declan, no one and then finally Declan again. As always happens, she fell pregnant after sleeping with Declan, but in true Didge spirit, refused to let this change her life; she was still all over Erinsborough, fighting the good teenager fight, including going to the General Store, the Milk Bar, the footy, the gym and to school camps, where she was swept downstream after her raft capsized and she was trapped for several hours in freezing water, barely conscious and suffering hypothermia. I believe it was her love for Declan and her unborn child that saved her life. This love was recorded in the history books as Didge, Declan, token Asian friend, Donna, Emo Zeke and Ringo happened across an old church while looking for Paul Robinson, who was on the run from the law. In the presence of God, four mates and a batty old vicar, Didge and Dec tied the knot in a ceremony that has been described as "beautiful," "totally Bridget" and "completely fucked."
Speaking of completely fucked, Didge's family has always been just that. Adopted by Steve "I'm Hungry!" Bastoni and Miranda, she has had the best of times and the worst of times. Following in Steve's footsteps, she was interested in veterinary science as well as AFL football, a sport in which it was proven that short, scrawny girls can definitely compete with adult males who have played the game their entire lives. After her brother Riley hooked up with their aunt and left Erinsborough for either Iraq or Sydney, Didge relied on Steve and Miranda and her loyal friends to help her through obstacles from being kicked out of school for being pregnant to always being hungry because she was pregnant as well as looking after her at a music festival while being nine months pregnant.
Steve Bastoni - women want him and men want to be him
As the song says, "Only the Good Die Young" and Bridget (and Paul Robinson) are testimony to that fact. The curse of leaving Erinsborough struck again as a nice, leisurely drive from Victoria to the top of Queensland with a month-old baby and three tired adults resulted in an unforseen tragedy. A horse ran out onto the road and Steve was unable to control the Bastoni-mobile (a 1990 VT Commodore) as this vestige of automotive safety ploughed into it or a tree or something, knocking everyone unconscious, and in fact, throwing both Didge and her baby through the windscreen and into scrubland. Slightly disorientated from the accident, Didge did the brave thing and wandered off with the baby, muttering nonsense to herself and going shit-tins crazy until collapsing somewhere.
"Declan, I have cancer."
"Ringo, I know it's scary. It's how I felt when I went to my first AA meeting."
"Yeah, but dude... I'm going to die. Like, tomorrow."
"That's what I said when I realised I had a problem. I knew it was an issue when I was ordering shandies instead of orange juice."
"Yeah, it's lemonade with about a centimetre of beer in it."
"I'm an alcoholic, man. I can't even have lemonade without beer in it."
"I know. The cancer pain has robbed you of speech. I know how you feel, because, well... I'm an alcoholic."
"I fucking hate you, Declan."
"that's when good neighbours
become... good... friends."
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Mister Evil Breakfast's Guide to Fast Food and Shit and Stuff (MEBGTFFASAS)
The granddaddy of all fast food outlets, Maccas should be underestimated at your peril. It's been around for so long because it's FUCKING AWESOME. There are few things as satisfying as a cheeseburger (two cheeseburgers are pretty good) and the Big Mac (while not as big as it used to be) is still worth the price of admission alone (which is free).
Specialities: Cheeseburgers and Big Macs. Selected stores open 24-hours.
On the downside: Burgers sold at 3am may not contain any sauce and will leave you downtrodden, disappointed and cold.
Few things in the world touch my heart like fried chicken. Although it is often seen as inferior to the golden arches of Maccas, KFC deserves respect and recognition. Their value meals, for instance, are excellent in both quality and quantity, and nothing works better for my hangovers that a cold can of Mountain Dew and a hunk of chook dripping with fat.
Specialties: Wicked wings to die for. Good amount of food for your buck-buck-buck.
On the downside: Staff will always fuck up at least one part of your meal. Some stores have never been cleaned. Refusal to bring back Hot n Spicy coating. May cause salmonella.
Some people know them as Burger King; here in the great land of Canberra, we have Hungry Jacks. They're the same thing, trust me. Hungry Jacks have a pretty sweet value combo deal going with their variations of "The Whopper." For a fiver, you've got yourself a tidy little pile of food and ice-cream. Lucky it doesn't cost more, because the burgers are shit. In an attempt to make their beef "juicy", it seems that the staff are trained to soak each burger in vats of liquefied cows before serving. For a cheap meal that you have to lick off your arm and can taste all day, you could definitely do worse.
Specialties: Whopper Value Meals, and every girl in the world will swear by their Grilled Chicken, even though I don't rate it that highly. Their onion rings are also the best I've ever had; this might have something to do with the fact that they're the only place that does them. There's gotta be a reason for that.
On the downside: Their burgers require a straw to consume. Being born without tastebuds is also recommended.
I am a massivo fan of the Subway restaurant. It makes me feel happy on the inside whenever I have the option of eating over a foot of sandwich. Subbers has enough choice to keep you interested, but not enough to fluster you if you can't decide between getting red capsicum or green. Even though it bills itself as being a healthy alternative to fast food, that only counts if you eat one of the staff members' hair nets.
Specialties: There's a deal on at the moment to get a foot-long meatball sub for $6. For $20, you'd get three feet of food and change. This is an exceptional meal deal, my friends.
On the downside: Not great for eating on the run or whilst driving. Got rid of their "Valued Customer Cards" before I had a chance to claim many, many freebies.
I have no idea how far the kebabs of Ali Baba have spread though Australia; if I had my way, it would dominate the landscape like a narwhal. They have a menu that I've never even thought about looking at - there's really only one thing you need at Baba's, and that's lamb, baby. You can have your choice of salad options, but don't fill your kebab up too much with useless greenery, save room for more lamb. It's good for what ails you. Also available: Beef or chicken. As if.
On the downside: It may not actually BE lamb.
Remember when everyone loved Pizza Hut? For some reason, they've become an endangered species. Apparently there are still a few floating around and they serve "All You Can Eat" meals for lunch, but these stories are yet to be confirmed and their sightings are "dodgy" at best. Pizza Hut is like the sasquatch of the fast-food world.
Specialties: All you can eat pizza.
On the downside: May not exist.
Kingsley's (as far as I know) is a Canberra-based southern-fried chicken franchise, and is what attracts (and keeps) visitors to the nation's capital more than anything else. Employment, weather, affordable housing are all fucking made-up bullshit stories. Get someone drunk and ask them "Why are you in Canberra?" and they will say, "Kingsley's chicken." Should Canberra ever host the Olympic Games, pieces of chicken will replace the gold medals. I know I'd be running fast.
Specialities: Chicken fillet burger with coleslaw AND gravy. This is all you need. This is all you'll ever need.
On the downside: A very confusing menu board, but since I know what I want (see "specialties"), this doesn't affect me.
There are a few of these "fast food" Asian-style places popping up all over the world - you might know them as Wok-It-Up or Fly-Ly or Box'o'Soy or Noodles-n-Shit or something. They are all pretty good in terms of the amount of foodage that you get (plus they serve it in those cool take-away boxes that they always have in American movies and TV shows) and as far as my experience goes, tasty as all hell, as long as you don't mind the same taste for whatever you have chosen from the ninety-eight options on the menu.
Specialties: It doesn't matter; it's all the same. And it's all good. It is also very addictive; I think they might also put crack in it. And I don't care.
On the downside: The most impossible thing to have as a "quick meal" - it is a deceptively large serve that you are not legally able to eat with a fork, thus eliminating the option of eating-while-driving.
Hopefully this guide has prepared you for the next time that you are out and about for some fine dining to confidently tell the chef that you need more sauce for your McNuggets.
Friday, July 17, 2009
after state of oranges was on wednesyday it makes a tiippers life veryy very hard you know? it's hard. life i s hard enough somethimes but this is a whlole new ballgame. wlel not a whole new ballgame because it's essnteially the same ssport you know it's still RGUBY LEGUE and it is a very fine soport indeed and i do enjoi it even f you dontr't.
with injuris n susspensions and stuff it will be veyr hard to tip this round. it;s a very hard round its a hard life somtimes for a tipper . life is hard for many poeple areound the globe it's hard enough to tipp a nomral week butt this ane is a whole nother ball gamae. have i sad that before???
ths tequila tasts like wine. more tqila please bartender!!111 wait i am the barntender never mind. i am doing a graet job as abartender i should do ths for a living
Broncos vs Rabbitohs
well. we much take into a count that there iwll be many sore heards in the brisbane area ths weak. and the jails wll be ful of rubgby leugae playsers who hav filmemd their misdddeeds on a mobil ephone . my phone is apieceofshit and it takes the video for a fifteen seconds only for me thats enough for two misdeeds and a cuddle LOL i am so funny (and badd in bed) this wek the rabbithohs will win bcause everyine in brissy will be all partying and bein g corey worhtsington
Bulldogs vs Titans
IT'S A CLASH OF THE TIRTANS and the bulldogz!! wheeeee ths would normallly be a great game normally this wold be but this is sooo not a normal round because of the afomentioned stape of oaring . right. so w i dont know who is out for any of thes e teams becuase ive lost trakc of who is playing htis great game of legdnds . so i thin that canterbudy doggies will win bcause simply they should be betterer than titnas i dont know why honstly . i think kimlorly plays fro the dogs z ns since he didnt do ANYYHING in oringns thn he should be likes the daisy fresh and pretty and shgould play well so i am still tppping the blue and whitse. aslo i don't' like the tittans at all no siree
Panthers vs Raiders
CAAAAAARN YOU RAIDSERS CAAAAAARN Caaarn. Caarn. Carn. Car. C. . they will nOT wiln this game - no way jose - i wish i was called jose and peolpe could say 'noo way jhjose' to me all te time whn i say smothing like 'remmebr when i gave you $2 hundred can i hav it back now plaese?" nad evryone will lau=gh and say 'no way jose' ad i will be happy but stikll a little bit poor. but the araiders arnott goin g too wel at the mmoment despite having desmoshed high-competition-flyers like the stroms and the goal coast butt they ar no match fro whoever thay are playing this weeek. no way jose. hahahahahahaha
batnender my beer tastes like teqila wait never mind.
Sharks vs Manly
chomp chomp chomp says the sharks and manly willbe loookg to cliffy lions and danny more to win this game. what its not 1985 naymore? well. i should chnge my pants then.
manly wshould easley avcount for the cronullas in hwis nsevh vut rhete cuayld ASO==L b nustes. what the fuck did i just try and type? ok. cronulla could upset the manlys in htis one but i will stil tip for the seagles to win.
this is such hard wok!
Roosters vs Warriors
chookoy chooky chooky chooks cheep cheep cheep they will lose
Tigers vs Cowboys
well. ths game depdns on a few th8ngs like hoiw tired will jonathon thruston be after spnding all week haveing the sex wiht his teammates wifes nad grilfiernds? i would b veyr tired so tired soooo sleepy zzzzzzzzzzzz
but i ma not a prfcsssional like thurston asnd he wilL NOT be tierd so the coaboys will win easzily so tip them. go on. tips them you know i am right.
Eels vs Storm
you knswo when yuve had a bit to dnkrink and you are caled up by one of yuor frinds "hye myster svil breakfast you are dsurnk!" and you say "no way jose" bcuase his name is jose and you scretly want to be him but you are trying realy hard to maintain you sobritey butt the hader tyou try and convinse your frnds that you arenyt drunk maks you seem a lot more durnker than you are actually are? thats like the parramcattas playing footy the harder that they try and pl ay makes it more bovious that they are indeeed a litle bit drunk oand .or retarded yes? can do you see wheir I am coming fr0m?
good becuase the meblournes are going to win and i dn't care how much purple they wear i thnk they look good.
The Giant Pie is the new mascot for the AFL
Because of the strong Japanese influence on AFL, this week's tips will presented in haiku form.
Bombers vs Bulldogs
the bombers drop balls
their fancy sash no match for
ugly little dogs
Blues vs Swans
do swans swim on blue
or does the blue hold the swan?
i don't really care
Cats vs Demons
kitten sleeping; dreams
of laughing devil faces
exorcise your cat
Magpies vs Hawks
a brace of magpies
is lucky, apparently.
i saw two today
Dockers vs Lions
blue beanie pride is
sitting by the wharf, smoking;
lions are hungry
Power vs Eagles
talons tightly grip
a power line; electric
currents flow futile
Tigers vs Kangaroos
tiger bares claws but
his stripes can't hide the shame of
Skippy kicking arse.
Saints vs Crows
st pete in heaven
kicks a crow through clouds, through earth
into pits of hell
My head hurts.
Happy tipping this weekend!
Thursday, July 09, 2009
There should be laws against making movies this bad.
The worst thing is that it actually starts out ok - in the first ten minutes, we get Decepticons attacking Shanghai and the Autobots fucking their shit up. Optimus is in full-flight, ripping shards off anyone who comes within range. Nicely done. The Autobots, by the way, are working with the US Government (of course they are) to track down the Decepticons who are all kinds of pissed off about whatever happened in the first movie (possibly the fact that it was made), and are also looking for a new energon source (kind of like Transformers cheeseburgers - a life source) on Earth. So things get messy in Shanghai and buildings, bridges, cars, anything that gets in the way, is demolished by giant robots. Collateral damage, really, when it comes to saving the world. Apparently the US Government has managed to keep the existence of the Transformers a secret from the rest of the world, and they had a "hard time explaining" the 50-foot robot who fought off the 200-foot robot in front of thousands of people. I bet they did.
Minor quibbles aside, the movie was off to a cracking start. I wasn't hating it. The next ten minutes numbed my brain. Quick summary: Sam (hero of first movie) is off to college. His parents have apparently overdosed on "Shit Cliche Pills" and are having a hard time letting go of their son. Then there were two dogs fucking... twice... a couple of fart jokes (courtesy of some robots) and the worst scene in cinematic history where Sam's mum rampages around his college campus on a hash brownie bender.
Sam has also fairly inexplicably decided to leave his hot girlfriend at home... and his best friend, a transforming car named Bumblebee. Yeah Sam, nice work. Why would you want an awesome car and a hot girlfriend? The word "spastic" springs to mind. Actually, that word sprang to mind a lot during the course of this movie, which was a lot because this fucking flick goes for about 2 and a half hours.
Sam holds the key to the energon source that the Decepticons are after, and the Autobots have to try and protect him. Simple enough, really. It's funny how such a basic concept could have been expanded into many great moments. How this movie becomes such a fucking mess by forgetting about the plot and introducing two-thousand comic relief characters is completely beyond me. I swear there were at least a dozen scenes that were filmed for another movie and accidentally spliced into this one.
"But MEB, this is a childrenz' movie! LOL dont you think your're being to harsh on it LOLROFLCOPTER!"
I don't give a flying fuck who this movie is aimed at; it just shouldn't be as retarded as it is. Somewhere in the middle of this pile of shit, we meet an ice-cream van Transformer. Yep. An ice-cream van. While the Decepticons have fucking tanks, jets, armoured cars and construction vehicles that join together to form a giant fuck-off Transformer, the Autobots have ice-cream vans. But wait, it gets better - the ice-cream van is actually TWO Autobots - apparently the job of handing out soft-serves to the other Transformers is such a hard job that it requires the service of the two newest additions to my crowbar list, Mudflap and Skids. For no real reason, they switch from being joint ice-cream vendors to individual forms - some shit Holden Barina-type cars. Come on, US Government and Autobots... surely you could have found something that you know... had at least four gears and wouldn't break down all the time?
Mudflap and Skids then go about making this shit-flick even worse. They talk smack. They argue. They punch each other. They sound like they're from "da ghetto" and have mother-fucking gold teeth and admit that their "readin' aint so good, you know?" I was waiting for one of them to try and prostitute another Autobot off and then punch them in the mouth if they resisted. I've heard talk of a spin-off series featuring these two fucktards. Can't wait - I've always wondered what a transforming Barina would look like wearing a purple robe and a massive hat.
Seriously, the FATE OF THE WORLD IS AT STAKE (apparently) and who do the Autobots get to look after Sam? Not Ironhide. Not Ratchet. Hot Rod? No. Let's trust the fate of humanity to these fucking homos. Sometimes the world deserves to be blown up.
"LOL MEB you are angree 2day. but how good did the tranfomres look?!?!?!?!?! LOL"!"
The giant fucking robots did look fantastic, admittedly... until they moved. Congrats to the special effects team for giving me a seizure every time Optimus blinked. There are gears and cogs and shit spinning around so much on screen for the slightest movement, that when it comes down to two Transformers fighting it out, you have no fucking clue as to what's going on. I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be like those "Magic Eye" pictures that were awesome in 1994, but I'm pretty sure at one stage I saw a unicorn. I sure as fuck didn't see an entertaining film.
By the time "robot heaven" was introduced, I was ready to piss all over the movie reel. But then I realised that the director, producers, actors and even the boom-mike guy had already done that.
Transformers 2 sucked.
I would trust transforming shoes to save the world more than I would most things
Thursday, July 02, 2009
So this means that there's a spot opening up for some lucky punter to sit out on the wing and chat up the front row of the crowd. I could handle that. I’m quite witty.
Dear Wallabies Coach-man,
My name is Mister Evil Breakfast, and I would like to apply for the position of "winger" as advertised on seek.com.au following the recent departure of your last crack-fuelled show-pony princess with stupid hair.
I have attached my resume to this application for your interest. I am hoping that your interests include drawings of ninjas fighting dinosaurs, as that forms the basis of my CV at present. While it may appear that I do not have a lot (or any) experience in playing "rugby", I have been playing team sports for eighteen years, and have been described on more than one occasion as "quite slippery." I do not like rugby union, nor do I have much idea about how to play it, and thus I feel I would be a suitable replacement for Lote Tuqiri. I have never been involved in an official rugby match, but during high school, I once tackled a guy who was way bigger than me during lunchtime footy and I broke his collarbone. This is at least one tackle more than Lote Tuqiri has ever made in his life, which I feel puts me in good stead for this position. I also rang that guy up that night to see how he was, which (a) makes me a good ambassador for the game, and (b) so I could rub in that I hurt him. He was off school for a few days, such was the ferocity of my tackle.
My physical fitness is good, although I do have dodgy knees and a bad back, but this should not be a concern in considering my application, as from my experience in watching the “game they play in heaven”, I have noticed that there isn’t a whole lot of running involved. I am quite good at standing around while a couple of fat guys lie on each other, waddle forward and lie on each other some more. It’s not entirely about the fat guys lying around though; I can also stand around while some guy lines up a penalty kick, or stand around while a scrum forms seventeen times. Standing around is not only a hobby, it’s a passion of mine and something that I feel could form a part of my career.
In terms of my rugby skills, I cannot kick the ball tremendously well, I fumble simple catches and cannot pass to my right-hand side. Even though my talent would put me in the top echelon of the current Wallabies side, I would not expect to be handed the captaincy straight away. I’m sure whoever is leading the team now is doing a bang-up job when it comes to calling the toss. For the record, I always call tails – it never fails.
My current work contract is almost up so I am available to start immediately. I would be more than interested in negotiating a salary with you – Tuqiri’s contract was apparently worth $1 million and I would be more than willing to accept an offer between $40,000 and $1,000,000. If you do opt for the cheapest option, this would give the ARU plenty of money to buy more head tape, or a rule book or even to pay someone to find a use for the scrum-half.
If there’s anything else that you would like me to extrapolate on (including the meaning of the word “extrapolate”), please feel free to contact me. But don’t call too early, I’m usually a bit dusty in the morning, and don’t even think about getting any sense out of me before 11am on the weekend.
I look forward to dominating a professional sport that I don’t really care about very soon.
Mister Evil Breakfast
I wouldn't have 30kgs of arms to carry around the field with me