Friday, July 20, 2007

Mister Round 19 Breakfast

Welcome sportsfans to Round 19. I am slowly climbing the footy tipping ladder. Another 14 427 places to climb, and I will be in top position. And then you can all worship me like the god that I am. If I decide to let you. On the other hand, I could smite you down.

Sharks vs Manly

Well, since I hate Manly, I can’t tip them. The Sharks by 14. (But Manly will probably win)

Titans vs Bulldogs

The Titans were horribly thrashed by the mighty mighty Raiders last week. I don’t see much changing for them this time around. They may even get beaten by more. Dogs by at least 30. Ouch.

Panthers vs Dragons

Wow… here’s two underachieving teams wasting everyone’s time by playing each other. The Dragons have Gasnier back, which will no doubt give Penrith a boost, because he is quite possibly the most overrated player in the history of time. Can’t pass, can’t kick, can’t tackle. Better put him in the thick of things then. Hopefully he’ll play for 3 minutes, injure his left tit and that’ll be the last we ever hear of him again. Should be sweet. Panthers by 10.

Knights vs Roosters

Does anyone care? Knights by a bee’s dick.

Storm vs Raiders

The magnificent green machine kicked arse last week, led by the little terrier Alan Tongue. That guy is worth 40 points, as he proved last week in defence. With Will Zillman floating around the back, look for the Raiders to put on at least 30 points. Unfortunately, the Storm will put on at least 60. Poor Raiders.

Warriors vs Tigers

How good are the Warriors playing at the moment? To be honest, I have no idea, but I saw them a few weeks ago, and they looked shit-hot. Compare this to the Tigers, who were looking pretty ordinary (I last saw them in 1994) and it’s a clear cut decision. Warriors by 8.

Cowboys vs Souths

Every time I tip the Cowboys, they lose. So… Cowboys, by 16. (Go you Bunnies!)

Broncos vs Eels

Well well well. Dazza Lockyer is out, and Tonie Fucking Carroll is stepping up into the number 6 jersey. That’s kind of scary, really. It could either be the best or worst decision of all time. Ever. This could be a fairly poignant moment in the history of time, as Carroll decides to beat seven shades of shit out of whoever Parra have stuck opposite him. Still… Parra by 14.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Mister Advertising Breakfast

Is it just me, or is there an absolute goat load of shit ads on tv at the moment? Sometimes the remote control is juuuuuust out of arm's reach, so I'm forced to watch these 30 second drivel pieces.

I proudly present:


Fresh Wick Air Spray (or whatever the fuck it’s called). An elephant and a centipede hook up, a 5 foot butterfly lends some milk to the cow next door. What does this have to do with air freshener? Fuck all and nothing, that’s what. Stupid, crap ad. Go to hell. I'd rather see a book of carpet samples talking to a left-footed gumboot about the demise of the Adelaide Rams than watch this retarded campaign carry on. Actually, I'd rather see the carpet samples talking to a gumboot more than anything. Anything.

The “Children See, Children Do” ad – not that I exactly hate it, but I’m a little confused. There’s a chick smoking, a bloke chucking his tinnie on the ground, a bird having a spew, a dude yelling at his Dry Cleaner, a little ferret yelling at a baby, which are all bad things yes yes no one’s disputing that… but then there’s some dude chucking rocks at a fence. What’s the deal with rock fence man? Maybe I’m an idiot, but I don’t see the fence complaining.

Coco Pops ads. They’re shit.

Rivers ads. Shit. And annoying. And they make me dizzy. And the one with the chicks running just looks plain uncomfortable.

The Tooheys Extra Dry ad with the numbnut with the stupid hair doing whatever the fuck he’s doing. You know the one, it doesn’t make any sense at all. He grows some pod things, and then rides his lawnmower. Yeah. It’s a shame, cause I was just starting to like Extra Dry again. Thanks for ruining that. Actually, TEDs have had a shit run of ads, starting with that one where the guy’s tongue goes for a wander. You suck, Tooheys.

The Snap Break Microwaveable Vegies ad. They don’t explain anything about why that guy has suddenly turned to eating his greens. It’s just crap, and the chick in it used to be in Breakers.

The KFC Toasted Twister ad, only because it has Fraser from Neighbours in it. Walking. But not acting.

The Telstra ad with Bob Geldof in it. I hate Bob Geldof for no apparent reason, so this one is there by proxy. The Dustin Hoffman one isn’t much chop either. I guess those guys need some money. A dumptruck of it would do nicely. Thanks Telstra.

Coke ads are annoying me. Pity. Coke is good shit.

Any of the Brand Power ads with a former Australian ‘celebrity’. Like I give a toss if Georgie Parker washes her dog’s nuts with Johnson and Johnson’s Dog Nut Formula, or if that chick from that other crap show has a migraine. Here’s a cure – take one glass of Toughen the Fuck Up and punch yourself in the throat.

Whatever the ad for “Team Australia” is all about – that’s just ridiculous. I never realised we missed Steve Irwin that much that we had to have auditions for Australia ’s biggest knob-end.

Any Dodo Internet ad with that stupid Tara Reid person in it. Actually, any Dodo Internet ad at all. Tara Reid just makes them worse. She’s not hot, she’s not talented, and I doubt that Dodo would have had the proverbial dumptruck to coerce her into doing it, which means she probably did it for the cost of three West Coast Coolers and a round of mini golf with the winner of Big Brother.

The AAMI ad with the little annoying girl in the backseat telling her dad how much petrol needs to be. I have almost mastered my mind powers to reach into the tv and punch her. And when I do it, you'd better be watching. Anyway, if she can find petrol for $1.10, I'll eat my own feet. Unless that car she's in is a Delorean and they're driving around at 88 miles per hour, that price of petrol is just not going to happen. She shits me because of the false hope that she represents. The only good thing about this ad is the hottie that they show at the end of the ad. That chick must be about a trillion years old by now.

These ads all suck. Give me 20 minutes, a budget of $40 (so I can buy a case of beer) and watch me write a thousand better ads.

Seriously. I need $40.