Friday, June 28, 2013

Round 16: The Most Important Origin Series in History blah blah

Well fuck me in the ear with an elbow – who would have thought that QLD would have won the second Origin game, thereby taking the “most important series in history, at least since last year” into a deciding third game? 

QLD completely dominated the Blues in Game 2 – bigger, better, stronger, faster, all the way across the park.  Normally they just save that for being bigger, better, stronger and faster than Mitchell Pearce.  Actually, normally everyone does.  Because, you know, Mitch Pearce is rubbish.

I honestly don’t know why the Blues selectors persevere with him.  His kicking game is dick, his passing game is balls and his tackling is dickandballs (I kind of lost my way in that analogy).  NSW must bring in Carney, McCrone or some kid from the League of their Own segment on The Footy Show for Game Three; there’s no way that they can allow to have one of the most important positions on the field being taken up by a retarded kid on a Starlight Foundation ‘Make a Wish’ excursion. 

However, it would be worth picking him to see if he lives up to his promise to kick the shit out of Billy Slaterin the next gameWhile I think that Billy is a fucking numpty who gets away with a lot of shady shit in the back play, the only person he’d successfully be able to take on in a biff would be Mitch Pearce.  And I don’t want to see Billy win at anything. 


Dominating the headlines once again following Wednesday’s match was the sin-binning of a thousand four players following an ugly awkward all-in-brawl after Trent Merrin decided to try and flog Brent Tate’s chin through the back of his broken neck.  I’m not sure what kind of boxing training the Blues have been taking lately, but we’ve now seen Paul Gallen and Trent Merrin unsuccessfully fight someone who wasn’t watching them, so I’ll just assume the answer is none.

Following Gallen’s attack on Nate Myles in Game One, the NRL have knee-jerked the shit out of themselves and made punching-on a massive no-no in all forms of the game, with referees instructed to send off anyone who swings a fist at another human being.  Slater escaped this rule on a technicality by using his elbows and knees.  Treating the players like children is NOT the way to go, regardless of the child-like IQ of any given/collective players.  Fucking regulate it the way you should regulate everything in the fucking game, you fucking fucks.  Banning the shoulder charge was wrong – each shoulder charge should be judged on its own worth – if they shoulder charge someone well, carry on.  If it’s a reckless, high and dangerous attack, then penalize the dickhead who can’t tackle.  If someone retaliates to some dodgy play and punches Billy Slater, carry on.  Let them sort it out.  If someone punches on with someone for no reason, then penalize the dickhead who can’t play football (Gallen). 

Fuck I should be in charge of the NRL. 

Round 16

Another tricky round with injuries and players maybe backing up from Wednesday’s slap and tickle… Who the fuck knows, honestly?

Throw in the Warriors, who don’t know whether they’re fush or chups, and it’s a motherfucking confusing round to pick.  Fuck it, they’ll all tie. 

They won’t.

Tigers vs Storm
Panthers vs Dragons
Knights vs Titans
Warriors vs Broncos
Cowboys vs Sharks
Roosters vs Sea Eagles

Game of the Round:

Rabbitohs vs Raiders

The Raiders did what every normal club would do following its ninetieth suspended player for drinking, drugs and general illegal tomfoolery – started signing their players from church.  Welcome to Canberra, Jordan Rapana and Bill Tupou, fresh from two-year missionary stints digging wells, chanting Psalms and reading bibles and stuff.  Fuck it, can’t hurt having them burning incense in the changeroom before the game – at least it’ll mask the smell of Campese’s bong. 

Unless, of course, they’re just signing anyone with a name that sounds slightly New Zealandish.  In that case, I expect to see Tim Finn, Russell Crowe and Daniel Vettori pulling on the lime green by 2015.

You’d have to assume that this would be an easy game for the Rabbitohs.  That’s probably because it really will be; the Raiders were fucking horrible last week against the Tigers.  No matter how much the Canberra lads step up their game this round, I don’t think it will be enough.  Unless of course, the Raiders step it up a shit tin, and the Bunnies also step it down a metric fuck ton.  Then they MIGHT get through in a golden-point thriller.

Bunnies by a thousand. 

You stay classy, NRL.  And keep drawing penises on your running sheet during live TV broadcasts

Friday, June 21, 2013

NRL 2013 - Round 15: The Gem in the NRL Showcase

They say that the State of Origin period is where the NRL really comes into its own as a showcase for the sport and the players.  And they couldn’t be any more right if they tried.  Following on from Jimmy Tamou getting drunk and jumping behind the wheel of his car… after he had been previously suspended from driving… possibly for getting drunk and jumping behind the wheel of a car, Josh “Serial Fuckwit” Dugan and Blake “…” Ferguson got on the sauce at a pub in Cronulla the night before going into NSW Origin camp, were booted out because they’re dickheads, snuck back in, touched up a woman and were consequently asked to leave (again) and arrested for some kind of sexual misdemeanor.  This comes just before George Burgess hulked out while promoting rugby league in Cairns, where he ripped a Stop sign from the road and speared himself a Subaru (may not entirely have happened like that, but it’s close enough).  Mal Meninga then tsk-tsk-tsked his way to Brisbane about the uncouthness of youthness, before hitting the town to celebrate Cameron Smith’s beard’s 30th birthday and Billy Slater edging his way closer to puberty, sneaking behind the bar and attempting to pour himself a XXXX.  Due to Mal not being a recognised bartender at that particular establishment, his actions were deemed somewhat inappropriate and he was also asked to leave. 

It’s weeks like this that Nate Myles is regarded as “not a bad bloke… for a footy player.”

Round 15

Uugh.  This week is shit.  There’s only a handful of games to pick, but they’re all a bit iffy due to suspensions, arrests and drug charges.  Oh, and also Origin duties.

I’m not confident with any of these things, but I am somehow tipping the Doggies to beat the Roosters – Sonny Bill Williams is a massive pussy and is currently trying to break his own leg so he doesn’t have to play his first game against the club that he walked out on a few years back.  And because Moloney is out, I’m going to tip the Dogs.  That’s about all, really.
The Rabbits would normally just have to think about turning up to beat the Eels, but half of their side is also out due to representation, suspension and a delay in the Burgess breeding program, so this game might not be as clear cut as it should be.  It will be interesting to see how wee Chris Sandow goes against his old club too, although based on his form since leaving the Bunnies, it probably won’t be very good.
I’m tipping the Storm to beat the Titans.  Because, you know, Melbourne.  And, you know, Titans.

Bulldogs vs Roosters
Eels vs Rabbitohs
Titans vs Storm

Game of the Round

Tigers vs Raiders

It has been a tumultuous time at the Canberra HQ this week, as Ferguson was sent home from Origin in disgust, once again vowing to stay off the piss.  It was the first time that anyone at the Raiders had seen the guy sober.  “I think he has more personality after a few” was the resounding noise coming from the hallowed Bruce Stadium training session. 

The Raiders have a fucking horrible record at Cambelltown Stadium – it’s probably the lack of clean air and the abundance of discarded syringes in the turf that really gets to them.  Still, it’s the 2013 Tigers, so the Green Machine SHOULD sneak home by about 20.  It’ll be one of those games that is summarised by the post-match line of “the scoreline flattered us.”  Neither team will play well, and it should be called off around 60 minutes in.

Queensland vs New South Wales
I’m still tipping a Queensland win.  They were pretty uninspired in the last game, but I think a few players have come to the understanding that if they don’t perform in this game, they will probably lose some sponsorship money.  Oh, and also the series.

That’s about all, really.  I still don’t rate Cooper Cronk.  Glad Meritt finally got a game.  Sad that Gallen is such a prick.  I don’t know what the fascination is with Greg Bird.  You know, just the usual.

Why I could play rugby league reason #502:  I enjoy sitting down and crying

Friday, June 14, 2013

Round 14: The Round Where I Tip All Home Teams


NSW Blues and part-time Cowboy Jimmy “James” Tamou was busted for sinking piss and then jumping in his car (I will assume it’s a white 1984 Corolla, with one pale blue panel on the back where he reversed into a pole in a car park) and getting caught by the po-po.  Consulting the “Rugby League Player’s Guide of What to Do When You Get Pulled Over by the Po-Po”, Tamou used the “But I’m a footy player but, hey?” defense, but was overruled (the cop was probably a Victorian or a Queenslander or not corrupt or something).  The NRL also decided not to look at the “Rugby League Player’s Guide of What to Do When You Get Pulled Over by the Po-Po” chapter entitled “But I’m a footy player but, hey?” and fined him $20,000 and suspended him from State of Origin. 

It’s probably about a decade too late, but I’m pretty happy that the league is coming down on fuckwits, even if they’re just accidental or unlucky fuckwits. 

Round 14:

This is the round where I choose all teams playing at home.  It’s actually purely a coincidence, it’s not that I decide that Round 14 is going to be that round.  It just so happens that the home teams are the better ones. 

Maybe except Manly.  And I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the Tigers will upset the Broncos.  If they do, they’ll also upset me. 

Dragons vs Cowboys
Sea Eagles vs Bulldogs
Sharks vs Eels
Rabbitohs vs Titans
Storm vs Knights
Roosters vs Warriors
Broncos vs Tigers

Game of the Round:

Raiders vs Panthers

The Raiders are looking to extend their winning run at Canberra “Call me Bruce” Stadium to a million (ten) in a row, but will do so without the services of Edrick Lee, who broke his arm last week while playing against the Broncos… yet remained on the field and completed the game.  Anyone who “heard” Lee’s post-match “interview” now understands that he was probably telling the trainers on the field that his “forearm appears to be jutting out at an unusual angle, perhaps it is broken?” but they just did what everyone does when they have no idea what someone said and so they laugh a bit, sigh and then say, “Well, better head off now…” 

Lee’s absence opens the door for Sandor Earl to make a reappearance… and possibly another disappearance as ASADA’s drug cheating shenanigans and stuff investigation continues.  Despite ASADA claiming that “certain players” were being looked into at the Cronulla club, none were actually named.  For Sandor to be picked out is a bit unfair, even if he is a bit of a dick. 

So the Canberras play the Penriths this week.  The chat from Raiders coach Dave Furner before the game will go something like, “Lads, don’t underestimate these boys.  They’ve got good strikepower through… um… And their forwards are strong, in particular… um… their reserve bench is pretty good, maybe?  And remember when Brad Fittler played for them in 1991?”  The only player that anyone actually knows about in Penrith is Trevor Robinson, who is Canberra’s Reese Robinson’s identical twin.  I hope they switch jerseys at half time and play the world’s best practical joke on Furner and… um… whoever the fuck is coaching at Penrith these days.
Raiders merchandise manager:  What should we sell to the fans this year?
Work experience kid:  Jumpers, scarves, big jackets.  It's cold in Canberra.  And Viking helmets.  It ties in with the whole "Raiders" thing.
Raiders merchandise manager:  Rubbish.  Let's make them look like Fraggles.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Round 13: Obligatory Origin Wrap-up

First points of State of Origin 2013 go to the mighty New South Wales Blues.  And holy shit, didn’t they make it look easy?  Of course, it helps when Queensland don’t wake  up until there’s ten minutes to go, but still – a victory is a victory, and for this NSW side, those don’t come too easily.  I had predicted that this would be the last QLD series victory for about five or six years… I may have been a year off with that Nostradamus-inspired thought, if the first game was anything to go by.

My first impression at the kick-off was “well, New South Wales won’t be able to keep up this pace for too long.”  Then, “wow, Queensland are doing a good job at pretending to be playing their first game of football.”  Then, “yes, I want more beer.”  Then, “Are Queensland trying to do their ‘Rope a Dope’ routine by just absorbing 70 minutes of punishment before hitting them hard in the last ten?”  Then, “No, apparently not.”

In the end, NSW were deserved winners.  The highlight of the game was Paul Gallen punching on with Nate Myles' head, for which he received a whopping one game suspension, in a game he probably wasn’t going to play in anyway.  Gallen claimed that he needed to “dominate” Myles, who had always ended up on top of his rival forwards.  I would have thought that Gallen should have played better and tackled harder if he wanted to dominate him, rather than punch on with him when he wasn’t expecting it.  But that’s just me; what would I know?  I’m still waiting for my first-grade call-up.  I haven’t even been cited 17 times like Gallen.  

Johnathan Thurston had struggled all week with some kind of man-flu (herpes) as well as having his mind completely elsewhere as he awaited the birth of his wife’s (and Billy Slater’s) child.  And it showed – if he puts in another shithouse performance like that in Game 2, he can probably kiss his Origin career goodbye.  It’s not even as if he’s playing well for the Cowboys.  Not that anyone actually watched Cowboys games anymore anyway.  But seriously, Thurston’s uselessness was matched only by his opposite in Mitchell Pearce, who for all intents and purposes, played for about ten minutes before ducking off to the pub for a sneaky pint and watched the rest of the game from there.  I thought that Fafita was well overrated, and proves that just because you’re a giant bloke, it doesn’t make you a good footy player.  I think a lot of the game comes from having the right temperament, and that’s something that is lacking in a lot of the ‘new breed’ of footy player.  They should have some kind of temperament test when you sign up to play.  Or even if you can spell it, or know roundabouts what it means, that would be good too.

I expect Queensland to come out firing in Game 2, and they might even look to pass the ball to Greg Inglis occasionally.  It was a strange game plan to completely ignore the best ball runner in the world and instead look to Cooper Cronk to guide the way. 

Greg Bird is still a grub though.  Can we all just appreciate that?

Round 13:

Highlights from the regular week included:
A Kiwi bloke pissing on the field prior to kick-off, being fined $15,000 and telling people to “get over it LOL.”  Having not rolled around in other people’s piss for a while (reason #4589 why I don’t play professional football), I can’t help but disagree with his eloquent statement. 

Jamie Soward has been dropped from the Saints line-up.  No one cares, including Jamie Soward, and the Saints.  And the Saints supporters.  They’re a bit shit this year. 

Raiders winger Sexy Sandor Earl has linked with a French rugby union team.  Not too many people care about that either. 

Seems like there’s a whole lot of indifference this week.

The Eels are shit, the Roosters are good.  That one was easy.
Same for the Knights and the Dragons.  But less good and probably less shit. 
The Cowbs are rubbish, but will probably win simply because “they’re due”.  I’m not tipping them though.
Despite the looming reappearance of T “Tony Williams” Rex for Manly, I think they’ll still be too strong for the Warriors.
The Panfers should piss it in over the Tigers, who will be confused by still being the televised game of the round, but during the day.  And they’ll still suck.
Storm should beat the Sharks.  Just because everyone should beat the Sharks. 

Eels vs Roosters
Knights vs Dragons
Cowboys vs Bulldogs
Warriors vs Sea Eagles
Panthers vs Tigers
Storm vs Sharks

Game of the Round

Raiders vs Broncos
The Broncs were horribly thrashed by the Warriors last weekend, so they’ll be hoping to bounce back… but they won’t.  Because they’re rubbish.  They can’t even really complain that they are “Originned out” anymore, because they only have a few cheerleaders who get picked to play in the annual stoush these days.  Fuck it, if they want to keep playing Peter Wallace, that’s their prerogative. 

The Raiders just keep going from strength to strength, coming off a massive win against the Bye, and shedding Sandor Earl from their playing roster, making way for someone with a few less tats and shit hair to come in.
The Raiders unveil their new logo to entice Asian hipster Vikings to join the club