Dogs die in hot cars

I think technology has come a long way. We used to just have television, but now we have television and couches, and cheese in a tube. What about the times when television wasn't even invented? What would you do while you sat on your couch and ate cheese? No wonder I can't sleep at night.

I was born a unicorn

The flashing blue lights behind him always made Ed nervous. He had done nothing wrong; his seatbelt was fastened, he wasn't speeding, and he hadn't had anything to drink all night. The policeman knocked on the window of Ed's mini. He rolled the window down.
"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" the policeman asked, holding his hand out for Ed's license.
"No officer, I have no idea."
The policeman took Ed's license and looked at the photograph. Then he looked at Ed. Then back at the photograph. Satisfied, he handed the license back. The photo of the caterpillar on the license was identical to the caterpillar driving the car.
"Thank you, officer." Ed put the car in gear and drove off, leaving the policeman in his search for justice.
"I'll get you one day, Baron Von Krawl," the policeman seethed through clenched teeth.

Lost in the moment

It takes one kind of genius to invent the lightbulb, another to create nuclear power, and a third kind to understand the physics of the universe. But to me, the greatest minds in the world were at work to make the little switch on your rear view mirror that you hit when someone has their high beams on behind you. You're staring at your own car roof, but you can still see behind you. I hope the guy that made that switch is sitting on a tropical island, drinking cocktails and is surrounded by beautiful women who feed him grapes.

It's the eye of the tiger

Olaf's mighty axe cut through the army of in front of him. Sweat ran glistening trails from his furrowed brow, mingling with the blood spatters to create thick valleys of blazing red. Olaf wiped his hand across his face. The liquid on his skin was the colour of the sunsets of his home town of Jorgenvaas. He put down his axe, closed his eyes and hoped that the VCR was set for CSI.

Crazy...

In the olden days, when food was scarce, peasants would wash their socks in a pot of water, and drink the broth. I think that's how the term "sock soup" originated. This is also where we get the phrase "I'm never eating toenails again".

I'm going on a permanent vacation

Invention is a wonderful and misunderstood thing. I wonder how long it took Neanderthal man to invent clothes after he had invented the peg?

One, two, Freddy's coming for you...

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

guess who's back, back again...

If you were blind, I don't think the worst thing would be not being able to watch tv or read books. The worst thing would be that you couldn't see if there was a bug in your food.

i'm coming home soon...

If the world was going to end tomorrow, I wouldn't stay out all night, I think I'd like to go to bed early. Because if it didn't end after all, everyone else would be tired and grumpy, and I'd be quite chipper and would probably be first in line for the bus.

There's a burger at McDonalds in Spain called Crispy McBacon. I have photos to prove it

Sometimes the world seems totally unfair. Like, when you've just stolen someone's bags, their money and all of their belongings, and all of the clothes in the bag are the wrong size.

When the saints go marching in...

In the future, if there are moving footpaths everywhere, I think it would be a good idea to still adopt a walking stance, so we don't scare the dogs.

Don't cry, Nige...

Whenever I feel depressed, I think of my friend Frank. He was born without arms, legs, sight, hearing, touch, taste, good looks or a decent personality. But he keeps smiling through life, never taking a backwards step. But Frank is just a rock that I keep in a jar, so I guess that life is pretty fucking easy for him anyway. Fuck you, Frank, you bastard.

leaving on a jet plane...

Dear Followers of the Evil Breakfast Blog,

It is with a heavy bag that I depart the shores of Lake Burley Griffin and hit the UK, which I am told is quite similar to Canberra in all regards. As a result, this blog probably won't be updated too frequently over the next two months or so, as I am told that the internet (and electricity, come to think of it) hasn't quite made its way over there yet.

So I hope that you'll keep checking back in the rare hope that my carrier pigeon and monkey slaves co-operate to bring you a new, exciting installment very soon.

Until then...

Keep on stickin'!

Mister Evil Breakfast

Look like birds, swim like fish, can't use a remote control (no thumbs)

I think if penguins ever try to take over earth, it will be easy to defeat them. Just trap them in your fridge. Even though they will be comfortable with the temperature, I think they lack the physical strength to push open the door, unless your seals are loose. That, and they're scared of the dark.

i met wayne gardiner in san diego

Tony's body was being pounded by the relentless waves of the Atlantic Ocean. His ship had gone down two days ago, and he had not rested since. He urged his exhausted body to keep moving, less he freeze to death. Starved of food and sleep, and being battered by the elements had taken its toll. His spirit was flagging - he had lost all hope of rescue. After all, he was an ant, clinging to a chilli, and was unlikely to be seen from the air.

tell me why i don't like mondays

The weekend felt longer than usual. Maybe it was because of my long walk down the long road. Or maybe it was the long boat trip I'd taken down the long river. It could have been the long bike ride I'd done through the long valley. As I sank further into the quicksand, I decided it was probably the walking.

i tried...

Here's a tip for you: Cans of Sprite will not adequately perform inside a car engine, no matter how well they fit. The world's most refreshing drink is no match for a dropped cylinder.

do what you wanna do, be what you wanna be. yeah.

Fame is a fleeting thing, like a sandwich filled with cottage cheese and tomato. At first it tastes good, then it tastes like dirt. Then it's gone, and you're still hungry. Just like fame, especially if you're famous for eating dirt sandwiches, like my friend is.

somebody bring me some water...

If I was a pirate, and one of my hands was cut off, I don't think I'd replace it with a hook. There would be too much risk involved in putting on your underpants.

cheers to 40 minutes of non-stop rock, the no repeat workday and the best music from the 80s, 90s and today

At first I thought that I was being consumed by guilt. But then I looked down and realised that it was more likely to be the anaconda around my waist.

yes, quite...

I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't have any clean clothes. Because let's face it, who wants to do washing on the last day of their life?

sing, sing, sing me a song...

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression that I am trying to convey with my store. On the other hand, I would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

come on, let's driiiiive...

Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

money money money... must be funny...

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

arrrr!

If you were a pirate, you know what would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?

girls like that, girls like that won't go for guys like us...

I bet it would be almost impossible to get a root if you had the plague.

lucy in the sky with diamonds...

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a good way to get everyone to relax would be to pretend you were swimming.

memories...

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

party tricks

If you're ever at a party, and things are a bit quiet, grab a burning log from the fireplace, and jump on it. Then roll around the room, yelling, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" at the top of your voice. Then the party will be more fun. I've never done it myself, but I'm pretty sure it'd work.

mmmm...

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!

i'm not gay, i swear.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm sexy enough. When I walk into a singles bar with my "fashionable" shirt, "fashionable" pants, and a big new rubber manta-ray helmet, I can't help but to wonder: Do women want to talk to me for myself, or do they just want to get a feel of that nice rubber manta skin?

gentlemen...

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

don't be lazy

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

those were the days...

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

Crane

--

Kicking leaves as I walk
a broken wake of fragment thoughts -
it's death for the first time
and sleep will cease to wake the second.

There's safety in numbers
I can't count much on that
so I'm counting my blessings
and I'm counting the cracks in the pavement

--

too much

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

the opening paragraph to my new novel...

As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out.
"This is the fourth coat crushing this year," said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.

apples and oranges, really.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

actually, it was my brother's house...

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the footpath in front of my house. And I thought, I am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of alfoil and paper bags.

cricket

I think the world is missing "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap onto the top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a duck and its babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Watch those ducks go! Also, Baby Duck Hat would be good for parties.

it's raining

Most of the time in the Middle Ages, it was probably a bad thing to be stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

gamble everything for love

One day I saw a big kid beating up a smaller kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him a swift kick. He probably deserved it.

lost and found

One day, my friend rang me up and exclaimed, "I've found Jesus!" My response was "Brilliant, we're going to be rich!"

Turns out it was something completely different.

hot wife

I was having an affair with a friend's wife, and when I went to tell him, I started laughing. Not because I thought that his marriage breakdown was funny, but because of a joke I'd heard earlier that day. So I told my friend this joke, but he didn't laugh. Some friend he is.

the time is...

I think the most frightening thing for a flea would be to somehow get stuck inside a watch... You don't even care, do you?

tastes like chicken

Progress is an amazing thing. For instance, the first cigar was probably just a bunch of rolled up tobacco leaves. I think about this and laugh and laugh.

cold chicken

If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take all of it for granted.

teh

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house, ring the doorbell and run away. I leave a Cabbage Patch doll with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

knock knock knocking

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm boy!

wibblelah!

As the sleek new sports car wound its way up the tortuous road, Henry thought back to the torture he had received just ten minutes ago. "Ah, air conditioning," he thought, as he aimed the vents toward the numerous whip marks on his legs, chest and groin.

deep

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

don't steal the...

I think that there should be a law for all the monkeys at the zoo to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotise you.

hack

I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather was the time I was at his house and that tied-up man with the gag in his mouth came hopping out of the closet and started yelling that HE was really my grandfather and the other guy was an imposter and to run for help. Who was that guy?! Oh well, I never saw HIM again.

confucius say...

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

i'm going to be rich.

You know how to paint a room really fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.

i don't need no stinkin' animals...

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.

i'm inspired today

If you ever fall off a tall building, just go limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy...

...love...

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

will smith

If I lived back in the days of the wild west, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-arsed cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

barbeque

You know what's probably a good thing to outside your house in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? A big bag of blood.

bing

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

i planted a seed. i feel seedy

I think it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

War. Hwah! What is it good for?

If I was in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, I'd throw a small pumpkin. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, I'd throw a real grenade at them.

mookalokulahey

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

man of what?

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist", because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, what if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" I'd just look at it with my X-ray vision and say, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" And I'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

I know what I like

I was at an art museum when this girl asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet. I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

i'd rather chew my leg off

If you were travelling back through time, and eating corn on the cob at the same time, I don't think it would make much difference. My point is: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it?

somebody kill me please...

If I was being executed by lethal injection, I'd clean up my cell really neat. Then when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection." Then maybe they might end up feeling bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

good luck, mr gorsky...

There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey'. That way every week a criminal could say, "I ain't gonna get caught by no monkey," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

shoo wap bop

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.

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when i see an old lady fall over, my first impression is to laugh.

but then i imagine myself as an ant, and what if she fell on me?
that would make me sad.

So beautiful...

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever ever seen? To me, it was on the weekend, when a beautiful flamingo flew through the beautiful sky, crossing the beautiful sunset. The beautiful flamingo had a beautiful rose in its beak, and carried a beautiful painting in its claws. Also, I was drunk.