Monday, January 29, 2007


"T'is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." I don't think the same thing can be said for pogo sticks though.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

i am, you are, we are...

I really should have written something for Australia Day, but in the true spirit of being Australian, I just couldn't be arsed.

Have a good one.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

sand in my machina

Paul picked up a shell from the sandy beach shore. It was a glistening pearl colour, with streaks of blue and red that swirled around the curved surface. It reminded him of the colour of dusk; not quite sunrise and not quite night. He held the shell to his ear, and sure enough, there was that familiar swirling sound that reminded him of the ocean. He thoughtfully took the shell away from his ear… and he could still hear the ocean. He was only standing a metre from the water line, after all. He dropped the shell and went out for tacos.

Monday, January 22, 2007

whale rider

John walked slowly along the beach, his feet making deep, clear tracks in the soft sand. He paused every now and again to pick up a small stone, testing its weight in his hand, and sent it skimming across the ocean. He counted four bounces along the surface of the water before it was lost in the waves. He longed to be out there, swimming through the crystal water, tasting the salt spray that hung in the air with the bright sunshine, or diving down as far as he could go, where the water temperature changed from a pleasant warmth to an eerie coldness, that felt almost alien.

Unfortunately, John was born without arms or legs, so that last paragraph didn’t really mean anything.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

dog eat dogfood

As I sit here and toss scraps of food to the flocking pigeons that coo and warble me, I think, “How did these pigeons get into the office?” And then, “Why did I bring scraps of food with me?” And then, “Why is the photocopier jammed?” And so I train one of my pigeons to fix the photocopier, and he does, and gets a promotion and his own office and soon becomes head of the company, and doesn’t even want my scraps of food anymore. I should probably stop carrying them around.

Monday, January 15, 2007

run rabbit run

For some reason, names and faces often get confused in my head. For example, I can never remember what Alec Baldwin looks like. Apparently he looks nothing like The Queen though, which was an embarrassing day for both of us.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

you are the star tonight

So… another year eh? Well done to everyone for making it through 2006. Buckle up though, cause 2007 is gonna be a doozy. And by doozy, I mean probably the same as 2006, but just a little more futuristic. But not much.

That said, here is my 2007 Astrology Guide Thing (AGT):

With Mars dropping lower than your moon, 2007 will bring weather of varying degrees and climate. So if you’re one of those people who goes outside occasionally, wear something appropriate. I can see gumboots making a big comeback around August. Trust me on this one. You may also want to pick up some milk on the way home today, as there’s only a little bit left in the carton in your fridge.

Venus and Uranus (no, I couldn’t resist) will rise and fall, and as such, there may or may not be a life changing decision to be made. Whatever you do, don’t make that decision. You will also meet someone new, and fall in love. But they won’t like you very much and will put out a restraining order around July. Your lucky numbers are green and Portugal.

The answer to all of life’s little questions will be answered by a rising Neptune in conjunction with Mercury. Saturn will be out of focus in the background, and Mars is making a stupid face. Venus has its eyes closed and the flash makes Jupiter look really pale. 2007 will be another year of bad photos for you apparently.

Neptune seems exceptionally bright for you in 2007, Leo. Or maybe it’s the new Blu Loo that you’ve just put in. Also, the hair that’s stuck in your soap isn’t yours, or anyone’s that you know. Scared much? Replace your toothbrush, Leo. Uranus demands it.

You will be presented with some money after a visit to the ATM that will help you to buy a Subway sandwich. Caution must be exercised though – the new taste things aren’t as good as you may think. Stick with what you know, Sagittarius. Stick with what you know (if reading aloud, that last sentence should be quieter and more dramatic than the previous one).

Health will be an issue, as your stars (the Saucepan) give warning of you being hit by a large truck. Don’t try and trick fate by hiding under your bed like a little girl. Accept your destiny and meet that truck head on. You will also get a promotion.

Friends will be a very important part of 2007 for you, as is shown by Neptune’s moon fraternising with Mars in the back of a cab. You should probably do your best to make some friends first, Pisces. And you’re not in a good position to be picky. Try that homeless woman outside the bank. A word of caution though, Pisces: she spits.

Arians should take advantage of Saturn being in the northern arc of Earth’s transcendental glow this year, so they should paint their elbows blue and wander the streets to spread the word of ALF. “No problem!”, “I kill me!” and “Ha!” will become important phrases for 2007. Try to avoid being shot, Aries. The consequences could be disastrous.

2007 has a big change in lifestyle for you, as is shown by Mercury’s distant yawn. You will soon find yourself a bit more laid back, and will spend more time sitting around. This will be due to the loss of movement in your legs sometime in February or March. On the plus side, you won’t need as many shoes, so there’s no need to go shopping anytime soon.

With a bright, twinkly star over there, and a less twinkly one there, you need to find out why the carpet outside the laundry is always wet. Clever things, those stars. But then, if I’d had bugger all to do but sit around in the sky for a trillion billion squillion magillion years, I’d probably have something clever to say as well.

The solar flares in early 2007 will be affecting you immensely, Scorpio. You should try and find your sunglasses soon. According to the magical world of Narnia, which is in line with Pluto (even though it’s not a planet anymore), you have either left them at a mate’s place, or they’re underneath the passenger seat in your car. If you don’t own a car, you should buy one, and check under the seat… you may be pleasantly surprised. But don’t worry if there’s nothing there. It’s still worth a look though.

There may or may not be a moon partially eclipsing a planet somewhere. Don’t forget to set a tape for Lost, cause Jack’s about to find out something that will change his life… forever. Also, check out Paris Hilton being a rich dumb slut in that show that she’s on. You will ring Quizmania, but will not get through, but it's irrelevant, as your answer was wrong anyway.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

bowling, shane

Australian summers mean only one thing: Cricket. And lots of it.

Let me tell you a story about cricket. It was invented by the Polish on Wednesday as a means of raising money for new tennis courts for a reality tv show, possibly devised and hosted by Angry Anderson. The very name “cricket” means ‘to throw pegs into the sky', which basically sums up the sport.

The Polish played on a pitch that was half a kilometre long, with a ball that was made of both rubber and solid silver. The bowler’s end did not have a wicket, and the ball could be delivered in any way desired, such as throwing (called the ‘murali’), via slingshot (‘tommo’) or hand delivered (‘magill’). Runs came thick and fast in the early days of the game, as each side was made up of 3 people, the field was over 12 kilometres in diameter and each run was worth 600 points. It wasn’t until 74 years later that the rules were changed, the size of the playing arena made smaller, mostly due to the deaths and mysterious disappearances of several top Polish fielders. The most famous occurrence was in 1268, during a particularly savage approach on the bowling by local hero Jonas Stravinski. Young left arm fast bowler Throun Pise had the unfortunate figures of 4 overs, 0 maidens, 0 wickets, 862 runs, including 48 no balls and 60 wides. The bowler offered to field on the boundary at the completion of his over, collected his cap from umpire Chilinutz and headed off in the direction of the boundary rope, which was a mess of rusted barb wire in those early days. No one ever saw that bowler again, although no one really looked very hard.

Barbarian pirates who were obviously quite lost interrupted a game in 14:25 and quickly fell in love with it, so much so that they kidnapped the players and took them on board their ship. That pirate ship collided with a herd of flying giant squid whale sharks who were sleeping off the coast of Southern Egypt and the players escaped the sinking wreckage, swimming toward land, apparently the wrong way, as they were found in Central Queensland some time later. The sport was adopted by all Australians, who shared it with the world, purely so they could be better than them at it.

And also so we could have another socially acceptable excuse to get drunk.