Thursday, April 30, 2009

Foooooooooooty tips from Frank

Due to popular demand, this photo of John Hopoate graces our computers once again.

To be frank (you can still be whoever you are), I can’t remember what happened last weekend. Something about some football matches going on. I’m pretty sure I was flawless (as always) in my evaluation of each team. Let’s roll on to Round whatever-we’re-up-to.

Eels vs Cowboys
My god the Eels are terrible. My god. Dear me. Holy shit. Terrible. Fuck. Seriously, fuck. Shit. Cowboys by at least 18.

Manly vs Storm
Last year’s grand final replay should prove about as interesting as last year’s grand final; the only difference will be that neither team has it in them to score a single point, let alone 40. I’ll tip Manly at home, but I think the real winner will be those who choose not to watch this train wreck.

Titans vs Rabbits
It's the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Rabbitohs. Let me see… my Magic 8-Ball says "ask again later." Fuck it, I don’t have time for this shit, I’ll just tip the Bunnies.

Sharks vs Roosters
This is hardly fair, pitting teams of spastics against each other just for our entertainment. I’m going to tip the Sharks to get up, but only because I feel more sorry for them than I do for the chooks. The dribble factor in this game will be higher than the scoreline.

Knights vs Broncos
Apparently the Broncles went alright last week. That’s good enough for me. Brissy by a dozen.

Raiders vs Panthers
Go you Raiders! Last week’s convincing 30-20 loss has me sold that they’ll be more than capable of mixing it with the Panther boys. Raiders by 7. Fuck I love field goals.

Dragons vs Warriors
The Warriors should have won last week. If only Stacey Jones could kick straight, huh? Idiot. They’ll go one better this week and wipe the St Georgians off the park. Bet your cow on it. Moo.

Bulldogs vs Tigers
This is a tricky one. I hate the Dogs more than I hate the Tigers, but the Dogs are better than the Tigers. Ah fuck it. Dogs.

This guy might not have completely thought out the consequences of taking a mark

Kangaroos vs Magpies
Because I really like pies, I am going to tip Collingwood. Like, the pies you get from a bakery, not magpies. No one like magpies; they suck. I'm still scared of them. I'm not scared of pies though. Mmmm pies.

Hawks vs Blues
Are these guys seriously playing each other? Seriously? Seriously? You’re serious? I don’t know anything about either of them, and after three weeks of doing tips, I’ve kind of run out of things to say. Hawks to win.

Eagles vs Dockers
You can’t go past the weagles. There’s a funny story involving me and a wedge-tailed eagle from the Adelaide zoo when I was about 4 years old and it almost ate me. Seriously. Ask my mum. And even though I am fully aware than the W in weagles doesn’t stand for Wedge-tailed, I'm still tipping them.

Lions vs Bombers
Hmmm. This one could be a cracker of a game. But then, since it’s AFL, it’ll probably be a total snoozefest. Don’t mind me if I stab at my tipping sheet with a bloody finger (it’s not my blood… or my finger) and land on the Lions.

Power vs Crows
You can’t beat the Crows. Well, you can, and many have this year already. But the Powers won’t be adding to that list this weekend. No siree. The lads from Ladelaide to kick further and catch better than the dorks from Port (yes, I do know that they’re both in Adelaide, I just didn't think this one through very well).

Swans vs Tigers
Did the Swans win last week? Anyone? Marv? You don’t know either? Why do I keep you around? Marv – will they win this week? Yes? Ok buddy, but if you’re wrong, we can no longer be friends. Swannies by about ninety eight goals.

Demons vs Cats
Wait wait wait wait wait. Someone told me that the Cats were good. I think. Or was it some other team? Oh fuck, I don’t know. I’m so confused. I’ll tip the Cats, but only because I like cats, and demons haven't been taken seriously since the middle ages. Cats are always serious. Meow. Why did Geelong pick a cat to be their mascot? There are a lot more fear-inducing animals around. Like, a bear could rip your face off or something. A cat can breathe on you in the morning with fish breath. Not that scary.

Bulldogs vs Saints
Thank fuck I’m at the end of this week’s tipping schedule. I’m pretty sure I’ve got all of my St Kilda tips right thus far (I’m not going to look it up; some facts are better left unproven), so I’ll carry on God’s work and tip the angels. Go you good things. Kick the ol’ Sherrin around like you own it, boys. Woot.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Welcome to my bedroom

Every so often, I find myself going through bouts of insomnia. Normally I just let it ride and wander through life in a half-daze (not too many people notice the difference) until whatever chemicals are in my body (alcohol) work their magic and life resumes as normal. I am in such a bout at the moment, and it's been going on for about 5 months now. That's almost half a year, in case your maths isn't quite up to scratch. If I make it to the full 6 months, I am totally baking a cake and buying some flowers. If I get to a year (without killing myself or someone else), I will take myself out for a fancy meal and (maybe) slip an engagement ring into my own champagne. But I'm getting ahead of myself; I don't want to jinx it!!!!11

Seriously though, I sought out some advice recently as to why I might be lying awake all fucking night. My friend (ok, so it was some random person posting on an online forum) said that I should analyse my sleeping problems more closely. Foolishly, I decided to do this at 3am rather than in the afternoon. I concluded that I am awake at 3am because I am analysing the reasons why I am awake at 3am. I decided to quit analysing for the night, assuming that if I just slept on it, things would make more sense in the morning. Of course, I couldn't get to sleep and my problems went unsolved.

One night I tried watching a documentary about insomnia because it is supposed to be good for helping people sleep; unfortunately the volume was too loud and it kept me up.

It makes sense to say that if you do something for long enough, you'll become good at it (Ricky Ponting is the exception rather than the rule). However, after 29 years of trying to sleep, I'm still struggling. Normally I just give up on things if I'm no good at them, but sleep is one of those things that I'm going to knuckle out and do properly. I mean, there are still some issues that haunt me; for example, I still don't know whether I prefer to have two pillows or one. Sometimes I don't have any. I am also still not sure about where I should put my arms while I'm asleep. Do I lie on them? Do I place them out in front of me? I have no idea. Lying on your arms can be fun when you realise you've cut off the circulation and you can't move them, and all day long you feel really weird and mushy.

There's also a theory that goes along the lines of "the best way to fall asleep is to actually try and keep yourself awake." I'm up for anything, so the other night I decided to try it. I did whatever it took to stay awake - I put on some music, ordered a pizza and invited some friends over. I didn't sleep.

Apparently there is no better way of falling asleep than in the arms of a beautiful woman. So I tried it, and it worked, briefly, until the beautiful woman asked me what I was doing in her bed. Her husband wasn't particularly happy, either. And for the record, she had three pillows. I have no idea how that works.

I went to the doctor last week as a last resort (fuck you, internet, for your useless suggestions and bullshit theories). I pleaded with him to give me some advice, or some pills, or a new mattress; but he refused and said I should just exercise more. Of course, I followed his advice but found it even harder to sleep whilst running on a treadmill. I do have a nice arse now though.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Blah blah blah footy whatever tips breakfast

Don't blame me, this is the first picture that came up when I typed "AFL Rugby League" into Google Images

We're getting into that part of the season where the contenders start to separate from the pretenders - although I'm obviously struggling to pick which ones are just pretending to contend, or contending the pretenders championship. It's a tough life.

Broncos vs Eels
There's a massive eel at the Star City Casino; it's in one of those giant round tanks between the slots and the tables. It's pretty awesome - you can see its body winding through the rocks and caves for pretty much the length and height of the tank. It has grown to such a size that it really can't move too much anymore, and you can tell it really wants to hit the blackjack tables. This kind of sums up the Parramatta side this year - big, fat, stuck and desperate to escape. Broncos by a squillion.

Rabbitohs vs Sharks
Let me see... form guide... form guide. Ah here we go. Let's see... "Sharks suck, don't pick them, ever." Sold. Bunnies by a dozen.

Roosters vs Dragons
Here is a poem entitled "Two Clubs That I Hate"
I hate the Roosters
and I hate St George

I hope they are both eaten by large spiders
and those spiders are sucked into a vacuum cleaner
which is then crushed by a meteorite
that is made up of dinosaurs who eat smashed pieces
of Hoovers for breakfast.

I hate St George
and I hate the Roosters.

Saints by 10.

Storm vs Warriors
Well... aren't you just a bunch of underachievers down in Melbourneland? If I were to take this tipping thing seriously, I'd have to say that the addition of Brett Finch could actually boost the Storm (I know, how weird is it to say that?) but the Warriors are fighting hard and showing a bit of pride. And to me, pride goes a long way. Finchy doesn't. Storm to be up at the half, and down at the siren. Warriors by 8.

Cowboys vs Manly
Manly can't win without Brett Stewart, who is out with a "knee injury" for the next 3 months or something. Dark times ahead for the Eagles de la Mer. The Cowboys are starting to show faint signs of life, but you can't really gauge how well anyone is going just because they beat the Sharks last week. Still... Cowboys to lift this week and Manly will resume their struggles.

Raiders vs Bulldogs
The Raiders are my boys. Everyone knows that. They're like a spazzy little 10-year old playing his first game of soccer; not entirely co-ordinated or pretty to watch, but you admire him for "giving it a go." And while your dreams of your kid being an international sports star are dashed, you can't help but encourage him and love him all the same. The Bulldogs are like crack-addicted howler monkeys with several assault charges hanging over their heads. You hate them, but also feel sorry for them; maybe if they were brought up better, things would be different. Raiders by 4.

Tigers vs Knights
Well well well well well, said the narcissistic stuttering well. The surprise packages of the NRL square off in what I reckon will be the game of the round. You heard it here first. To be honest, I can't decide. Flip a coin for this puppy. My coin says heads.

Panthers vs Titans
It's the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Panthers. The Panthers got done by the Broncs last week, and the Tits just snuck home against the under 10 spazzies, so this game will probably be fairly dreadful. I'll tip the Titans without any confidence and with a very dismissive shrug of the shoulders.
And this is what happened when I typed in "Rugby League AFL." Life is funny.

Power vs Saints
I learnt that the Power's mascot is a lightning bolt, to symbolise electricity and, well, power. That's a bit shit. Why that and not the Port Sewerage or Port Natural Gas? I reckon they should start over and be called the Port Angry Skulls of Pestilence and Fire. At least we know what they look like. St Kilda to get up again this week.

Bombers vs Pies
I also learnt last week (it was an educational weekend of AFL for me, actually) that the Bombers suck. And even though everyone hates Collingwood, they're apparently quite good. So tip them; good will always beat sucky, regardless of popularity.

Hawks vs Eagles
Oooh a tough bird fight. Let's be honest, if the Swans were involved here, it wouldn't even raise an eyebrow, except for RSPCA people who don't want a swan to be absolutely torn apart by two birds of prey. I got the Weagles right last week, so I'm gonna let that bet ride.

Kangaroos vs Tigers
For some reason, all the recent news stories mention something about how bad the Tigers are going. In between photo shoots with his fucking dog, Barack Obama held a press conference to air his grievances about the shittiness of the black-and-golds. He didn't mention anything about the Roos though, so with the blessing of Mr President and his dog, I say the Kangas will get up. I don't even know (or particularly care) where the Kangaroos' team is from. Melbourne, probably.

Dockers vs Swans
According to, the Dockers players are all in trouble for sneaking around in KKK outfits. This does not bode well for them. They should have been dressed as pirates or something more nautical. And because my mate goes for the Swans, I'm going to paint a red V on a white t-shirt and support them until something better comes on TV. Shouldn't take long.

Cats vs Lions
Last week, the Cats won and the Lions lost. You can't argue with statistics. Cats by a goal and a behind and possibly some more.

Bulldogs vs Blues
I got the Blues. I got the Blues. I got those "i-forgot-to-take-the-mince-out-of-the-freezer-this-morning-so-i'll-have-to-cook-up-something-else-for-dinner-but-i-really-kind-of-felt-like-having-some-spaghetti-bolognaise but-now-i'll-have-to-reheat-some-other-shit-that's-in-my-fridge-even-though-it's-probably-past-its-use-by-date" kind of blues.

I don't have a bulldog. I got the Blues.

Demons vs Crows
There really are a lot of birds flapping around in the AFL comp, aren't there? It seems that the most successful teams are either a bird, a cat or an enigma. I have no idea how the Demons have lasted so long - they have a cool mascot that doesn't fit in anywhere. I'm surprised they're not picked on more. $5 on the Crows.

Tip tip tip, sip sip sip. Let's kick off and get that ball bouncing in the centre square and run into the wind from the Paddington end.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Don't dry for me, Argentina

Just quietly, if anyone pours me a beer like this, you'll be tasting crowbar for a week.

To celebrate the holiday of Day Ending in Y, I went down to the pub with some mates for a quick beer. Being in the festive spirit, I decided that I would get the first shout. I sidled up to the bar with the other party-goers partaking in "Day Ending in Y" shenanigans to order my drinks. I looked at the beer options that were available: Premium Dry. Super Dry. Extra Dry.

How dry do people need their beers? Stupendously Dry? Really Really Dry? Or what if you didn't want it to be too dry - would you have a schooner of A Little Dry or Sorta Dry? Where's Fairly Dry and Could Be Dryer? What does Not Dry At All taste like? Will I die without drinking the goodness of A Little Bit Dry But Not So Bad That You Need A Glass Of Water?

How long will it be until we're ordering pints of sand? And will there be different Dry factors of sand? Will I order a few pints of Sand Mega Dry? And will Sand Mega be any different to Sand Ultra Dry?

Anyway... which Dry can claim to be the Dryest?

Some dictionary somewhere defines 'dry' as "free from liquid or moisture; lacking natural or normal moisture or depleted of water; or no longer wet; such as 'dry land'; 'dry clothes'; 'a dry climate.'"

At first glance, these beers appear to fly in the face of this definition, as they seemed to be entirely made up of liquid. Perhaps a closer inspection is required. Upon tipping each beer onto the floor, it became apparent that they were quite wet indeed.
Note: I should do these sorts of experiments outside, or at least not over my carpet.
No points are awarded to any of these beers for dryness, but one point goes to the towel which I used to mop it up with.
Score after round 1:
Super - 0
Extra - 0
Premium - 0
Towel - 1

The next part of my magic dictionary says, "humorously sarcastic or mocking; 'dry humor"; 'an ironic remark often conveys an intended meaning obliquely'; 'an ironic novel'; 'an ironical smile'; 'with a wry Scottish wit.'" I spent an hour watching Two and a Half Men and registered its humour level. I then spent an hour watching each beer and continued my vigilant note taking. It is as follows: Nothing happened.

It seems there was no irony to be found, and no sarcastic tones were included with my beer. Just in case, I also watched my towel for a while. I guess it was entertaining, but in no way was it humorous, and even less Scottish.
Score after round 2:
Super - 0
Extra - 0
Premium - 0
Towel - 1

Strangely, the next dictionary definition was "not producing milk; 'a dry cow.'" I've had milk before, and it's quite different to beer. For this experiment, I attempted to milk a beer, with no success. Each beer receives one point for being as "dry as a dry cow." Well done, beers. I then squeezed out my towel, and found that it was producing beer that it had soaked from my carpet. Nice work, towel. However, the definition definitely asks for milk. So another point to the towel.
Score after round 3:
Super - 1
Extra - 1
Premium - 1
Towel - 2

The next definition: "lacking interest or stimulation; dull and lifeless."
For this experiment, I decided to drink the beer. The first beer (Super Dry) was very nice on the tastebuds, and I guess it was interesting - there were some ingredients written on the beer label, so that kept me occupied for a minute. 5 cents refund for recycling it in South Australia. Very interesting.
After it was finished, I was stimulated to drink the Extra Dry. Again, some literature was included on the bottle; a point scored there. 5 cents back in SA as well. I should move there; I'd be rich.

After I had drank the Extra Dry, I was stimulated to keep drinking.

The Premium Dry was also quite interesting. There may have been something written on the lid, but my eyes were a bit foggy, so I'm not entirely sure. 5 cents back if you're in South Aus. That's fucking it, I'm moving there. Don't try and stop me. After I had finished the Premium Dry, I was stimulated to wrap the towel around my shoulders and 'fly' around my house. Now THAT was interesting. Then I was stimulated to fall asleep. Points all round!
Score after round 4:
Super - 2
Extra - 2
Premium - 2
Towel - 3

After four rounds, it is safe to say that each beer is wetter than it is dry, with no discernible dryness-level difference between them, with few (if any) cow qualities. A towel seems to be a lot more dry. For your next pub engagement, I recommend asking for a pint of towel if you're after something dry. Otherwise, enjoy your beer the way it was intended - wet.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Mister Evil Tipping Bripping

Kablammo! We're into Round 5 or something. Awesome. Only another 17 weeks of this shit to go! Woot.

Panthers vs Broncos
Can anyone tell me how these teams are going? No? No-one? Oh. Wait, what was that? Sorry? You can't tell me? You don't know either? Hmm. Well, thanks anyway. If I go for Broncos, who reckons I'm right? Two..three...four.. Marv, is your hand up? No? Yes? It is? Ok. How about the Panthers? ...three, four... five... Marv, you can't vote for both. Broncos or Panthers, mate? You don't know? Neither do I. Broncos.

Titans vs Raiders
It's the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Raiders. I washed my Raiders jersey last night (it's a 1994 special) and woke up this morning looking good and feeling good. Canberra to cause an upset and topple the dirty cheating rats that are the Titans.

Dragons vs Knights
You couldn't ask for a better match-up, could you? Dragons and Knights, fighting each other just like they used to in the olden days. Sorry, Sir Lancelot, but I think the dragons will win this time. Poor Knights and their damsels in distress.

Rabbitohs vs Manly
Damn Rabbitohs losing last week. Damn you Brett Stewart for scoring three tries when I said you'd do nothing. Damn you both to hell. My heart says Bunnies and my head says Manly. Somewhere in the middle (just above my Adam's apple), it's saying Tigers. Fucking stupid neck. What the hell would you know? Manly to win, but I'm not confident...

Warriors vs Roosters
Haaaate the Roosters. Haaaaaaaaaate them. Haaaaate them with the Passion of the Christ. Haaaate haaaate haaaaate haaaaaate haaaaaate. Fuck I haaaaaate them. So much. Sooooo so so so sooooooo much. Warriors to win, just because I don't haaaaaaaaaaate them.

Sharks vs Cowboys
If this was a real contest, the Cowboy would have to lassoo the shark, leap onto its back from a runaway train (filled with gold and dynamite) and tame that puppy. Since that would be more entertaining in the long-run than just watching a shark chew on a cowboy for a while, I'll tip the boys from North Queensland. Yeehaa.

Eels vs Bulldogs
For this one, I shall use my psychic powers and talk to both of them. Bulldog - woof woof woof woof woof. Ruff ruff ruff. Very interesting. Thank you. Eel - ... ... ... Well, because eels can't work out if they're snakes or fish, they don't have much to say. So the winner will be the bulldogs, which are way more dog than they are bull.

Tigers vs Storm
The Storm just signed Brett Finch, which makes me want to tip the Tigers. But the Tigers lost last week, which makes me want to tip the Storm. But the Tigers bounce back, and will bounce back twice as hard after two losses. Ah fuck it, Storm to win.

I have no idea about AFL, but I made a drunken promise to do an AFL footy tipping thing. So here we go.

Kick, drop, handball, drop, behind, point, kick, tackle, penalty, kick, handball, drop, penalty, kick, drop, behind.

Lions vs Magpies
From what I know about AFL, the Lions are from Brisbane and the Magpies are from Collingwood. I'm pretty sure there are more maggies in Collingwood than there are lions in Brisneyland, so I'll tip the pies. I don't even know where Collingwood is, to be honest. Can anyone tell me what I should look for if I were to visit? Like, is there a theme park or a water slide or a nice bakery or something?

Hawks vs Power
I've never been a wholehearted supporter of teams that have a non-physical mascot. What represents the Power, seriously? I'll go Hawks, cause at least I know what they fucking look like.

Swans vs Blues
The Blues? Is their mascot a Smurf? A blue whale? The sky? Someone who's feeling a bit down? A black guy with a saxophone? Honestly. Swans are weird when they walk on land, but I reckon they can beat Blue Man Group. Apparently they can bite hard enough to break your arm. Swans, that is, not Blue Man Group.

Saints vs Dockers
Hm. AFL teams hate having something tangible, don't they? A docker sounds like a pair of pants that you'd wear to a Navy parade. I just looked up the Dockers on the Wiki and discovered that their fans worship an anchor, so I was pretty close. But I think that if the Saints truly have the power of God on their side, they should beat a bunch of sea-faring scurvy dogs.

Crows vs Cats
Let's look at this sensibly - a crow will hack at the entrails of a dead animal and make that annoying "graaa graaaaa graaaaaaaaaaaaah" sound. A cat will sleep. Since this sport is about picking at entrails, the animal deemed most awake should win. Go the mighty Crows. Graa.

Kangaroos vs Bombers
When I was four years old, I had a Bombers doona cover. I don't know of anyone with a Kangaroos doona cover, and I probably wouldn't associate myself with them if they did. Bombers by either 3 goals or 18 behinds.

Tigers vs Demons
I wonder if the Tigers players all turn up to the game and say, "Hey Tiger!" to each other? I know I would, and that is why I am tipping them in this game.

Eagles vs Bulldogs
I think the Eagles are the West Coast Eagles, yeah? And the Bulldogs... fuck. I have no idea. Wait, where's my Wiki? Ok, that took way longer than it should have. I had to look up a page on actual bulldogs, then two pages on the Canterbury Bulldogs in which I saw a photo of Brett Kimorley, and then a page on the noble sport of British Bulldog. However, upon discovering the AFL Bulldogs' page, the first paragraph tells me that they are one of the least successful teams in the history of the AFL. So fuck you, Doggies. I'm tipping the Weagles.

Sip it up, or tip it out!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

i mean no disrespect

Easter is a sensual time of the year, as we plonk ourselves down to plates of seafood and eat chocolate like it’s going out of style. Throw in a glass of your choice of alcohol and all of a sudden, love is in the air. It can also help when someone has had about twenty-seven drinks too many and requires a shower and then forgets to put on pants, but hey, these things will happen.


People have said that Easter has become way too commercial to the point of forgetting the real reason behind it. And so, dear readers, welcome to Mister Evil Breakfast’s Guide To The Real Story Behind Easter (MEBGTTRSBE)…

Jesus was throwing a going-away party and had invited a few mates around. The invitation clearly stated that Jesus would provide nibblies and drinks. He ran out of time to get some meat, so he sent a text to Judas saying 'dude cn u pls grab sum snags n steaks n i will pay u bak asap! thx champ!' Judas himself was running a bit late, and thought that he’d be able to duck into the butcher near Jesus’ place to grab some food. But when the butcher handed over the bags of meat, all Judas had was his bank card.
“Sorry tiger,” said the butcher. “Cash only.”
“Is there an ATM around here?” Judas asked.
“There’s one in the servo over the road.”
So Judas headed over to the servo, willing to pay the $2 surcharge that was incurred on using an ATM that wasn’t designated to his particular bank, but was turned down.
“Fraid not,” said the servo attendant. “It’s out of order.”
So Judas went to the barbecue without any meat, hence the tradition of scoffing down things without legs on Good Friday.

At the party, people had been getting stuck into Jesus’ home-brew for a while and were a bit pissy. “Juuuudas! Where’s my sausage?!” Jesus asked.
“Sorry Jeebus, I didn’t have any cash and the butcher doesn’t do EFT.”
“Ah that’s cool, I’ve got some fish in the freezer, and there’s some snacky bits here.”

A few hours later, everyone was getting fairly smashed, when suddenly Jesus remembered that he had some chocolate in the kitchen. It actually belonged to Robert, Jesus’ housemate, but Rob had eaten the last bowl of Jesus’ Fruit Loops, so he felt that he could get away with snaffling a bit off his housemate’s shelf in the cupboard. So he grabbed the family-sized block of Cadbury’s and chucked it to Peter.
“Where’d this come from?” Peter asked as he cracked a couple of squares off and passed the chocolate to the left hand side.
Through his mouthful of chocolate, Jesus mumbled, “Rabbit.” Everyone laughed.
“Yeah, there’s a big fuck-off rabbit who gives chocolate to people!” said Simon. "That's fucking tops!"

A bit later, Mathew turned up.
“Where’ve you been, man?” Jesus asked. “And did you bring us some food?”
“I’ve been at work, fucktard!” said Mathew, pointing to his Baker’s Delight uniform. “I brought you some fucking buns,” and he threw a bag of bread at Jesus.
“Awesome, thanks!” he embraced his friend in a (very manly) hug. “Gross, dude. You stink!”
“Yeah well you fucking stand in a bakery for eleven fucking hours and see how you fucking smell!”
“Dude!” called James. “You're hot and cross. Just have a bun and relax.”

I think that would have been a pretty good party. I’m also fairly certain that Jesus had a three-day hangover afterwards.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Mister Tipster Evilster Breakfaster

Rugby League fights are settled by nose wars, rather than fisticuffs

Well, last week's drinking and tipping experiment didn't really work (but it was fun). It was good to see the Mighty Bloody Raiders break the drought to bring up their first win of the season, and it also marked the first week of the NRL in recent years that no-one had any new rape allegations brought upon them. So well done everyone.

Eels vs Dragons
Ooooh this will be a tough one to call, especially considering I don't care. Parra's halfback Brett "Junior Rat" Finch jumped ship yesterday, or was pushed, or lost his jumper, or got a job at K-Mart or something... in any case, he's not playing for the FishySnakes anymore, which has left punters all over Australia wondering whether that's a good thing or not. This game will go down to the wire, and will be won and lost in the scrum. Who am I kidding? St George to win, even though I hate them.

Sharks vs Raiders
Seriously, the only team between the Raiders and premiership glory now are the Eels, Dragons, Cowboys, Titans, Storm, Panthers, Knights, Warriors, Manly, the Tigers, Bulldogs and Souths. See who's not in there? Yeah, the Sharks. Wait, let me double check that. Yep, the Sharks. Easy win to Canberra and the Raiders will continue their dominance. Tonguey to bag a double.

Cowboys vs Titans
It's the CLASH OF THE TITANS... and the Cowboys. The Cowboys did their very best to lose last week against the Raiders, and I'd be lying if I said I had any interest in anything that the Titans are doing, so I'll tip the Cowboys, just because I like the cut of their gib.

Storm vs Panthers
Hmm. This is one of those ones where the Storm should have no trouble in wrapping up these kitty cats and posting them to Bosnia, but it will probably turn out a whole lot harder than they thought. Panthers could easily spark an upset here. But the Storm could just as easily win it in a trot. Eh. This one's up to you, but I'm tipping the Storm. I also think their jersey is quite pretty.

Knights vs Warriors
Newcastle seem to be the quiet achievers of the NRL in the early rounds. But as we all know, quiet achievers all turn into little smart-arsed pricks and deserve their comeuppance. And that comeuppance will be served by the Warriors, with a side of calamari and chilli mayo sauce. Nice.

Manly vs Tigers
Come on Manly, I've tipped you all freakin year, except for the other week when I did but I didn't mean to (my gut feeling was right; I just thought I'd had too much cheese). The Tigers have been up and down lately - last week they were down; I'm tipping them to be up again this week. Manly will welcome back Brett Stewart fresh from prison, but I don't think he'll be the catalyst that Manly are desperate for. Tiges to win.

Bulldogs vs Rabbitohs
Since it's Easter, the Bunnies will have the upperhand in this game. Souths have been fairly impressive this year - which is evident by them being on top of the ladder. The Bulldogs have been... well... I have no idea. To be honest, I didn't even realise that they were still playing. This game will probably suck. Souths by a trillion and one.
Don't forget to put your tips in... and don't forget to get some sips in. Not necessarily in that order.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Oh look, the most glorious rainbow ever!

It's an oldie but a goodie

Dum dum dum dum dummmmmm dumDUM!

Good evening universe, I am Mister Evil Breakfast and this is the news that's breaking across Australia, the world and beyond.

I promised you news, sport and weather a few weeks ago or something, so here you go. I am not wearing pants.

Tonight's top story is all the way from Cowabunga, Japan, where boffins have invented underpants that don't need to be washed. They are odour-free and moisture absorbent; they kill bacteria and still manage to keep your testicles from bouncing around too much. These Wonderpants are also flame resistant in case you can't resist lighting a fart and are also static free, so... they won't stick to the walls of your dryer, I guess. I never found that too much of a problem, myself. In fact, I quite like the static buzz of putting on a fresh pair of jocks straight out of the dryer, but maybe that's just me. Anyway, these techno tighty-whities are being trialled on the International Space Station, which for all of its scientific glory and telescopes and satellite radar things, doesn't have a washing machine. I guess that means my house is more awesome than being in space.

Breaking news: Swimmer Nick D'arcy won't be going to jail. Also, this just in - man does not buy shirt. Let's stick to reporting things that actually DO happen, eh lads?

A great new invention has just been released - a bucket. Dunk your new-born into this "tummy tub" and recreate the womb for your little bundle of joy. What the fuck? For the past bazillion years, people have hung out in the uterus for a while and then decided that enough was enough & that it's probably time to get out see the world, you know, stretch the legs and such. I don't see what the big deal with the womb was anyway - it was relaxing sure, but it started getting very touristy and it lost its olde worlde charm as time went on. Sitting in a fake womb by hanging out in a bucket of warm water (and pee, probably) would be like trying to recreate your trip to Spain by putting ice cubes in your Big Red Tomato Soup. Pass the sangria, por favor!

A man was lucky to walk/run away from a fairly decent bingle involving a Merc and a beer truck at 4:30am. The owner of the car reported it stolen minutes after the accident... nice work, pelican. There's nothing dodgy about a 4:30am phone call to the cops explaining that you were just about to head over to your mate's place to watch the sun rise when lo-and-behold, some vagabond has thieved your motor vehicle, is there? Especially when it was written off about seven seconds beforehand. "Police are investigating whether alcohol was a factor in the crash." The only people driving at that time are piss-heads, car thieves, piss-head car thieves and bakers. This guy was at least three of the above, even if it was his own car that he nicked. Tool.

Apparently no beer was harmed. Thank Christ (thank you) (You’re welcome).

In entertainment - there's big news surrounding one of the world's hottest acts, Britney Spears, who may be coming Down Under at some stage sometime in the next 8 months. I've just checked my diary and I'm free! Thanks for being so specific, Britto. For those mad keen Spears followers, this concert will set you back at least $120 for the nosebleed section and upwards of $200 for the front row, though some lucky fans will also be able to take home a souvenir Spears baby and something shiny. The tour will be mostly razzle and partly dazzle, according to tour promoters, with the music taking a back-seat to the theatrics. Everyone's favourite 'girl-next-door' will sing just one of the 20 or so songs performed during the show, with a pre-recorded track providing the words for her to mime along to. For $200, that recording had better take me to dinner and buy me at least two drinks before the concert (and call me the next day). I could quite easily have the same concert experience if I stayed at home, listened to the CD that I downloaded for free, drank a few beers and got some ironing done. I would, of course, have saved about $185, would have a fresh shirt to wear the next day, and most importantly, not been at a Britney Spears concert.

To finance now - everything's still fucked, but Aussie PM Kevin Rudd is going about gaining popularity by giving Aussie battlers (aka anyone who earns less than $100K a year) a bit of extra dosh for just being tops. That's why we love the leader. Apparently Australia doesn't have any money left in the piggy bank, yet Kev is writing us all IOUs which are redeemable everywhere. Despite doing economics for three years, I'm still no closer to grasping the very basics of it, which is evident by the fact that I failed two of those years and wrote "please don't fail me again" on my exam paper in the third. True story. I don't know exactly how, but this gift money is supposed to get the ol' Aussie dollar back on track, which would be a good thing. I could buy a guitar. That would be a good thing. I could buy some more corn chips. Good thing.

However... like all superheroes, Kev Rudd has his supervillain nemesis, who comes in the form of Bryan Pape. I didn't do a whole lot of research on this story, but from what I can understand, Pape is attempting to take a large stack of money to court and sue it, thus depriving everyone of their $900 "topsness payout" and would not allow me to buy a guitar. I daresay that these actions have led to Bryan officially losing all of his Facebook friends and latest reports indicate that he has changed his status to "the most hated man in the world."

I would like to add to his misery by calling him "Pape Smear."

And now for a look at sport around the world. Well, since it was Thursday yesterday, there wasn't much sport being played. So uh... carry on.

For those looking to get out and about this weekend, here's your weather forecast, proudly brought to you by a giant piss-off eggplant: there's a 50% chance of rain everywhere. There's also a 50% chance of a stegosaurus walking through your street, so keep your eyes peeled.

Yesterday's weather update thing on the site said: "Possible shower, cloudy at first." Well fuck. Clouds before rain? They go together now? I would have been way more impressed by: "Gods angry. Zeus' rage to fill the sky. Appeased tomorrow following sacrifice."

And finally, a feel-good story to warm your nether regions.

His neighbours' houses have weathercocks on their roofs - but Roy McInnes' house just has a cock. Roy the Pom (where else could he be from with a name like Roy?) has painted an 18 metre wang on his parent's roof so people can see it on Google Earth. There's nothing else to really say about this, except that it's amazing what someone can do with a ladder, a $2 million house and a tin of paint.

I hope this "ballsy" piece of art isn't "shafted" for a "schlong" time.

I'll be back with the late news if you log on again and re-read this entry at 11pm. Have a great weekend. I'm Mister Evil Breakfast... goodnight.

Dummm dum duuum dummm dumdumdumdummmmm...

Thursday, April 02, 2009

mster tipping drunkfast evil shutup

Sorry Todd Carney - I didn't recognise you with your pants on

ive been briven to drink by the nRL becuse they just dont want to win for me so fars this yea4.

this wees' tips are proucly brought to you buy beerzors and flamming shotsorz of tequilabucca stuipid rugbny wuouldln't know how to winn if it came up tho them nd said 'hey man heres a win for you' and theyd say 'no thanks i pref4er to SUCK!' i culd have tipppedp better last weelk if i was DRUNk which i n now am an d will see is if it makes da ifferents. difference. shh dont telm y boss

what the fuck is goingh on here honestly so here we goo you piece of shit raiders fuckl you11! round 1234 here we gooo and its your shuout!!! 1

Broncos vs Dragons
I DON'T CARE YOU BOTH SUCK. bisbrane should Win this contest but seriously dont fucking blame me if they dot'n seriously. Who the fuck knows what's going on with these fucking teams anymore? go to hell, fucking stupiD rugby league teams. go brancos!1 woooi love yoouuuu

Roosters vs Eels
oooh look at me i'm a fucking rooster!! la de fucking dah i am an eel. what the fuck is an eel anyway is it a snake or a fucking fish? here fishy fishy and then it fucking eats you stupid snake. or it just goes hello i am a snake and everyon says oh no and then itsays don't wprry i am just a fish hahahah and peoeple say oh thats okay then itS NOT OK. be s anake if you're gona be one or be afish. at least arooster knows what it is huh? go win mby a couple.

Panthers vs Tigers
hey kitty kitty kitty. ben marshallji is apparntly the next BIG thing even though he is quite small but probably is big enougyh. he will win. everyone else will lose.

Storm vs Titans
IT"S THE CLASCH OF THE TITANDS,,, and the Stromyou gus both suck too. but i dunno maybe yur a good bloke and we shuould hang out some more. 'would you like a drninki mr storm?' 'yes thnks mr breakfast that sound s quite loveRy' 'here y7ou go then.' 'dcheers!" drink drnnk drink. ' how bout you sir titan?! a beverage for y ou?' "no not for4 me thanks bfast i hav work tomorrow." 'BASTARD you will diE you piec hf shit"! storm by 120.

Warriors vs Rabbitohs
run rabbbit rbaabit run run run ow my head. warriors will win. kumate mulkate haka haaka slap slapsslap

Bulldogs vs Sharks
i would liky to see bnoth of thes teasms to explod e in a ball of explosion and fire and feathers. a DRAW! nah bolldogs will bproabblyably probably will win huh. yes. so tip thems. or tip the sharks adn pay to the consequencious of being a biG FAT DICKHEAD loser. stupid footty tips my wife left me. yus pleas i wuoudl dlike anothre beer heres some mnoney now go go go shhhh don"t tell my wife.

Knights vs Sea Eagles
just about enoug h of both of you2. sick of the sight of yu. get out. bot hof you get out your both fired!!11. wiat. wait wait . pehrpas i ham being too harsh on you both its not yur fault that uou are both fucking spaszmos .. you will win manly so no no no you SOHULD win soon manly seagles so you can have my tip for this WEKK only but don't 1 fucki up or i'll come looking fo you and will be expcteing some money back. manly woo yay!

Raiders vs Cowboys
bad and mean green machine. never in my LIFE have i seen such a disgracfufl performcne from a MACHINE i would take you back the manufacturer and demnad my mon2ey back if i bought such a incompetent machin e like you but you do hav a lovely colour ooh thank you it mayches my eyes NO IT DOESNT you LIAR@#$# dget your hands off me ill tell you whn ive had hnouhh to drink thank you. right so were whas i ? oh yes cowboys wil win and maybe we can then go out and eat a kebab. mmmooooooo. oi oi oi. uuuh dmnot feel so good

TIPP y tippsy tippppppp aaaarrrr. sip and tip and fuck you raiders.