Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Sheer luck

Everybody knows Sherlock Holmes but no one knows anyone whose name is actually Sherlock.

And Signourney Weaver's name is weird as shit too.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

I didn't realise it was a competition

No matter how little I slept last night, I continue to meet people the next day who slept much worse than me.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Worst job in the world

I think the worst job you could have would be a street-side fruit vendor in an action movie.  Even if the hero’s car barely misses crashing into your shop, the next thing you know, a black car with tinted windows gets airborne and takes out your display of watermelons.  

Friday, October 02, 2015

NRL 2015 - GRAND FINAL - Broncos vs Cowboys

Like all good things, the 2015 NRL season is coming to a close, and the only question that’s left to be answered is:  which Queensland is the better Queensland?  After smashing NSW in the State of Origin series AGAIN, and now competing for supremacy in the national comp, I guess it’s fair to acknowledge Queensland’s superiority.  In cheating.  And sleeping with close cousins.  And probably other stuff too.

I have spoken to way too many fucking idiots this week who are all claiming that they’re not going to watch the Grand Final because there are no NSW teams competing derp derp derp, and why the fuck would they want to watch the culmination of an entire year’s worth of preparation between two teams who have proven themselves to be better than all of the others?

Justin Hodges was cleared by the tribunal to lead the Broncos into the grand final after his Queensland chum Aiden Guerra gave testimony about how even though Hodges’ tackle was rubbish, it was Guerra’s fault that it all went wrong.  It’s like two kids getting caught nicking a bag of chips and a soft drink from the local IGA, and one kid saying, “Yes, Justin got caught with the chips in his bag but it was my idea in the first place so I should be grounded for two weeks instead of him.”  So with Justin Hodges  escaping a fortnight's grounding and being cleared to play (as long as he keeps his bedroom clean), it gives both teams their full range of players, so there are no fucking excuses allowed about playing an understrength team. 

I remember when I was about twelve years old, and I was playing handball at school.  I wasn’t a bad handball player; there were moments that I’d be able to knock off the top four kids, and I could beat the guys who seemed to spend their whole recess dribbling in the bottom squares.  One day, I was sitting pretty in the King square, and looking to make my assault on the Ace spot.  I figured all I needed to do was go in and hold my position for two more serves before the bell went and I could reign as champion of handball for the next two hours in the classroom – I could order my minions around to do my bidding:  I would have the sharpest pencils in the class.  I would have the cleanest eraser.  My glue stick would be the stickiest.  I could borrow someone’s Derwents without asking.  My textas would smell nicer and leak a whole lot less.

The handball game raged on, and some clown in Queen square decided they’d have a crack at my spot.  Good luck, said I, as this was one of the dribbling idiots that I could get out with my foot.  I prepared my best shot to get this dickhead out before too much time elapsed for my attack on top spot.  I leant back and waited for the tennis ball to bounce so I could hit it on the half-volley and send this guy back to Dunce.  I hit it sweetly but the other guy got his hand to it and tried to return my power-shot.  The ball bounced twice in his square before coming into mine – double bounce was against the rules.  Instead of claiming the scalp and moving on with the game, I decided to drive the nail in.  With an audible, “I’ll just finish you off now, just in case,” I drew my arm back for another power-shot (please note that my power-shot had about the same power as all of my shots, but it made me feel better to think that I had some kind of video-game-chi power that built up and I could unleash it through my handball skills), but this time I fucked up the shot and hit the ball with my wrist and the ball fucked off towards the Year 10 kids who sat on the edge of the handball courts who would throw any stray tennis balls that came their way towards the drains near the basketball courts.  So I did the usual pleading effort with the Year 10 kids, and they actually gave me the ball back (by piffing it as hard as they could at my dick), and I went back to the game with knowledge that even though I could barely breathe through the pain in my groin, I still had time to get into Ace and become king of the class. 

Unfortunately for me though, my friends had other ideas and because I tried to take down a weaker opponent even though I’d already won and then almost had the ball thrown down the drain by Year 10 kids, that my punishment was to go back to the bottom square.  As I trudged back to the arse-end of the handball court, the bell sounded, sealing my fate as the lowest player.  Even worse was that I ended recess behind the dribbling kid that I tried to finish off with my patented power-shot that lead to my demise. 

Anyway, what I mean is that there are no teams that will complain “If you beat us, it’s because we didn’t have a full team,” or even worse is the “we beat you and we didn’t even have a full team” boast.  In my head, that’s how the whole handball game came into it, but I’m not sure if it works now.  But I spent a while typing it out, so I’m leaving it in.

To be perfectly fucking honest, I don’t give a shit who wins.  They are both good teams, and I’d like to see them win for different reasons.  Broncos because they’ve been consistently good all year, and the Cowboys because I don’t hate Jonathan Thurston. 

The ideal game would be something like a 47-all draw after extra time, and then they draw a winner out of a hat and it turns out to be the Raiders.  

Friday, September 25, 2015

NRL Finals 2016 - Week 3: Hold onto your butts

We’re pretty much right down to the very pointy end of the season now, and by rights, each of the four teams left battling it out could win and it wouldn’t be a travesty if they did.  Unless it was Melbourne.

The Roosters held off a physical-as-fuck Bulldogs team last week, who went into the game with a weird beserker rage that would have been absolutely impossible to maintain for any extended length of time.  Full credit to the Roosters for withstanding the onslaught and copping a few big hits.  After the initial carnage, all the Chooks had to do was muscle up a bit and use their quick men a bit smarter.  And they did.  And it worked.  Then the ref decided to award tries to anyone who asked.  And then they decided to score at will.  And then they won by a lot. 

As for the North Queensland vs Cronulla game, the last time I saw a Cowboy fuck anyone that hard, Jake Gyllenhaal got an Oscar nomination.  It was honestly a pretty shit way for Cronulla to finish their season, although after coming last in 2014 and having to stop using their Dank supplements and hormone replacements and couldn’t inject their super-soldier-serum any more, they didn’t do a bad job.  I’m happy to have read about some reported in-fighting following the game, with old players pointing out the new guys, claiming that “youse didn’t dig deep enough” and the new players pointing to the old guys saying “yeah nah youse didn’t dig deep enough” and in the end everyone pointing at Paul Gallen and saying “youse only dig deep enough for Origin” and Paul Gallen squinting at everyone and saying “yeah nah it was a bad day at the office for us.”  It sure was, Paul.  It sure was.

In Mad Monday news (HOORAY), Dylan Walker and Aaron Grey were taken to hospital following an adverse reaction to painkillers.  That they suffered together.  At 3:45 in the morning.  This is totally normal, and I really wish people would stop saying that NRL players are stupid, or that they totally sit around being stoned on each other’s medications and washing it down with alcohol and peptides.  There’s totes nothing suss here, it was just an allergic reaction.  It has happened to me before – I usually get horribly allergic to alcohol after about thirty beers and some opiates too. 

Damn right, Joey
This week the Storm and Brisbane come back into the finals series after taking a week off.  No one ever really knows if winning your semi and not having a game the following week is a good thing – heheheheh winning your semi – sure, you might recover from some niggling injuries, but momentum is lost and the pace of the game might come back as a rude fucking shock. 

Brisbane vs Roosters
This is almost too close to call; I’ve switched allegiances a thousand times this week.  Mitchell Pearce is threatening to come back for the Roosters after a few weeks off for injury, and judging by his previous experiences in big games, will have to share Michael Jennings’ invisibility cloak to hide under.  Pearce really needs to pull his head out of his arse and perform this week, as his replacement, 14-year old Jackson Hastings is playing so well at the moment that I’m surprised his name hasn’t been mentioned as a bolter for Origin next year, an Australian rep side, or the pinnacle of today’s Australian rugby league echelon, the NFL.  It would also be great for Daniel Topou to apologise to his teammates for whatever he did last week, as I’m sure he’d like to be passed the ball at least once during this game.  Poor Toups. 

The Broncos have, in my beady little eyes, looked good all year – not always glamorous or even “Broncos had a good win last night, hey?” “Yeah nah, bit scrappy.”  “Got the job done, but.”  “Nah yeah.” kind of consistency.  They have shown that they can turn it on when it counts, but more importantly, they can grind out a win with solid defence and a good kicking game.  I reckon Hodges and Reed in the centres are deceptive liabilities in attack, but make up for this through solid defence and the occasional grubby close-range try.  I have also heard through the grapevine that Hodges is contemplating passing the ball in this, what could be his last game of rugby league, so that’s something to watch out for.  For me, Ben Hunt holds the key to this game - when he is fit and on the field, the Brisbanes fire up.  It gives Milford more freedom to play a support role instead of trying to make the busts himself, and when he does that he just ends up looking more like a 92 year old Asian woman who sits at the pokies at Jupiter’s Casino all night than a potential game-breaking athlete.

This should be a corker of a match, but I am going to tip the Roosters in a close one, based on gut instinct and what I think is a better forward pack, even though I haven’t mentioned them in about eighteen giant paragraphs.

Storm vs Cowboys
The Cows shrugged off their “slow starter” tag last week by blowing the Sharkies away from the first whistle.  Although if they had waited for the Sharks to get some points before playing properly, we’d still be waiting for the end of the game.  And as much fun as it would be to watch Cronulla fumble balls and trip over themselves, after a week it would probably start to be wearing a bit thin.  The North Queenslanders have named an unchanged team from last week, but they only really need to mention are “6. M Morgan” and “7. J Thurston” because they’re the only ones that anyone really knows or cares about.  Except for Tamou, and that’s just because he’d fucking eat you whole if he knew what you really thought about him. 

Melbourne may just have the edge in this game due to the Cowboys being a genuine title contender, which puts aside the Storm’s most obvious weakness: losing to shit teams.  The two met just three weeks ago in a game that sent everyone to sleep and then made everyone sit up and say, “Oh, the Storm won?  Well fuck me” before switching over to the late movie on Channel 10 – it was probably ‘Click’ or one of the ‘Mission: Impossible’ movies.  This game may be decided on just how much the Storm are allowed to cheat before JT starts crying to the ref about it.  Thurston, more like WORSTon, amirite? 

I’m tipping Melbourne in this one, based purely on the fact that they are unlikely to direct the Cowboys to the tryline like the Sharks did.  I also think that there are vulnerabilities with the Queenslander’s edges in both attack and defence. There’s something about their support players that I don’t trust either.  Probably because they’re from Queensland.  

The league's fastest player has retired from NRL to do... something. Good luck to you, Kevin Gordon, you fucking nutter.

Friday, September 18, 2015

NRL 2015 Finals Week 2: This round looks deceptively easy... and short

And then there were six.  And only two games to tip this weekend.  I don’t know how to feel about that.

Let’s play Australia’s fastest growing game show:  Mister Evil Breakfast’s sexual prowess, or a rugby league game?  A lot of frustrated fumbling at the start, some painful ball control, a couple of injuries, then a flurry of good play and surprised faces at the end. Very exciting finish, but overall a bit average.
And the answer is:  Roosters vs Melbourne from last week.  Melbourne did what Melbourne do, and once again, no one had an answer to it until after the game when the only response was to have a whinge to the refs about it.  This just in:  Melbourne slow the play down.  I don’t particularly like the way the Storm play - it took about 65 minutes for the match to actually register on the “this-game-has-actually-started-o-meter” – but until refs actually start penalising them, why would they stop?  They win games, they get paid.  That’s kind of what they’re there to do. 

The Cowboys all looked like they were about to cry after losing to the Broncos last week.  It was good to see. 

Roosters vs Bulldogs
KFC vs kebabs, who could possibly pick a winner?  Depends on how hungover you are, I guess.  I’m thinking that the chooks will take this one; hopefully Roger Tuiveisa-Sheck will actually produce something this week, as I can’t see Channel 9 continuing to use the highlight loop that they’ve got for too much longer.  Ha, of course I can.  The only way for the Dogs to win this is to cheat, which they were always going to do.  But will they cheat enough?  No way, not with Maloney up against them.

Cowboys vs Sharks
Everyone loves an underdog, but this is where the Sharks dream will end, I reckon.  They’ve done well to carry Paul Gallen for a whole season, but my money is on the Cowboys to take this one in a surprisingly easy game. 

That’s about all.  This blog was a bit ordinary, but you're used to that by now.  

USELESS STAT OF THE WEEK, courtesy of Twitter, sponsored by McDonalds and Mitre 10.

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

NRL 2015 Finals Series - Week 1: Beau Ryan and his Magic Lamp

And all of a sudden we’re down to eight teams duking it out to be claimed champions of the world for 2015.  Commiserations to those teams that didn’t make it; you can pick your “Participant Award” up at the door, and hang around to meet some proper athletes who will be joining us soon.  Enjoy a refreshing complimentary glass of watered down orange cordial in the lobby – please don’t bring your drinks onto the carpeted areas though, we just had them cleaned from the last time Nate Myles was here.

Speaking of people who have freed up a bit of time before the 2016 season kicks off, Footy Show panellist Beau Ryan won't be appearing on our screens for a while, as he has put his foot (and probably some other parts as well) into the proverbial and was caught out while performing in a shithouse pantomime version of Aladdin and his Wondrous Lamp (or something) having some sneaky sexy times with some chick who was apparently on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here who previously was not a celebrity – this can otherwise be explained by the equation

C-grade celeb + C-grade celeb – D-grade show = 0

Beau will probably not be seen on our TVs for a while; at least until he goes on 60 Minutes to talk about his depression, then heads over to Foxtel to try his hand at some kind of talk show.  This week, Beau knows… unemployment.

On the other side of the spectrum, Australia has fallen even further in love with American Football and our Aussie superstar Jarryd Hayne.  Hayne seems to be doing quite well at sport in America, which wasn’t ever really going to be questioned, seeing as he is quite good at sport in Australia as well.  Hayne is now the fourth-string running back for the San Francisco 49ers, which a pretty decent leap for a bloke who has been playing the game for about three months.  It has also broken down the stigma that American football is impossible to penetrate for those not born with a pigskin in one hand and a big ol’ helmet in the other.  I’m not saying that Beau Ryan should try out to be the 49ers wide receiver, I’m just saying that athletes with the right motivation and dedication could make the transition…

…which brings us to a new drinking game:  Who can play NFL?  EVERYONE!

·         Whenever a journalist, commentator, panellist or presenter mentions that a player is “thinking about following Jarryd Hayne to the NFL”, reach behind your couch for a stubbie or a bottle of wine (where do you keep them?) and have a swig.
·         Have another drink if that person is Roger Tuivasa-Sheck.
·         Take two swigs if that person would obviously be the worst NFL player in the history of the world, even if you don’t know anything about NFL.
·         Have a bonus drink if the talking head on TV puts a player into a position specifically designed for 200 kilo blokes.  Have another bonus drink if they have actually just invented a new position, such as the defensive cornerback linesman cover tackle.
·         Drink everything when the presenter starts using NFL expressions like touchdown or explaining that Jonathan Thurston is like “a quarterback.” 

Onto the finals series!  You know you can trust my tips; I am, after all, Australia's 3,610th best psychic when it comes to rugby league.
You know you can trust me.  At least half of the time.  

Sydney Roosters vs Melbourne Storm
I still can’t trust the Storm; they’re just too unpredictable to take seriously, especially when they’re playing, you know, a good team, you know, like the Roosters.  Both teams had strong wins last week and both teams are boasting full-strength squads this time around as well, although I’m fucked if I know how James Maloney managed to escape suspension after performing a Chuck Norris double-round house ninja fly kick. Honestly, that guy must have beer-flavoured nipples to get away with all the shit that he does. 
I fucking hate the Roosters, but I’m tipping them anyway.   

Canterbury Bankstown Bulldogs vs St George Illawarra Dragons
I honestly thought that St George had been knocked out of the comp prior to this round, but obviously I had accidentally discovered time travel and gone a week into the future.  The Dragons are pretenders of the highest order and will be soundly thrashed by the Doggies this weekend.  Look for the Morris bros to wreak havoc, and probably for Dugan to do something stupid and get sent off. 

Denver Broncos vs Dallas Cowboys
This should be one of the games of the fucking year, bar none.  Hunt was sorely missed by Brisbane in last week’s shit-boring game against Melbourne, and should spark them into action for this game.  The Cowboys will welcome back their own missing halfback in Michael Morgan, who has scored a hat-trick against Brissy in their last two games.  If he does it again, it will be a hat-trick of hat-tricks, which is about as rare as Bear Gryll’s steak.  Both teams will have to improve on last week’s efforts, and purely on consistency and form, I’m tipping the Broncos.  

Cronulla Sharks vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Whoever wins this game will stumble into the second round of finals like a drunken, wounded baby giraffe.  I can’t see either of these groups of idiots troubling anyone too much, and while this game should be entertaining in the same way as watching a Transformers movie – it’s all colour and movement, you’re not sure what’s actually happening, but you know that it will all be over soon.  Except for the fourth movie, I think that goes for about three hours.  Fuck that. 

Souths are lucky they won a shit-tin of games at the start of the season, because they are playing like deadset wooden spooners right now.  I’m tipping the Sharks, but like when I went to watch Transformers 2 at the cinema, I’m not happy about it.

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

NRL 2015 - The End Is Nigh-ish

It’s the final round of NRL 2015 wooooo except for the finals series woooo.

We could even be in for an interesting weekend of footy (also: we might not be), as the shitty teams have actually decided to turn up and play well over the last few rounds.  Sure, it’s about twenty-four weeks too late, but that’s just something for them to work on for the 2016 season. 
“This year boys, let’s not slack off after round two.  We need to dig deep, give 110%, get some go-forward, stick to the game plan and go for the full eighty minutes.  Until at least round six, then it’s easy street.”

Brisbane Broncos vs Melbourne Storm
After a few shit weeks, Melbourne hit back against the Cowboys and took a scrappy, yet much-needed win from their game.  The Broncos demolished Souths without even raising a sweat, and are probably the form team in the comp at the moment.  I can’t see the Vics taking this one, and I’ve looked at it sideways and upside-down and now I'm a bit dizzy.  

Sydney Roosters vs South Sydney Rabbitohnos
With Inglis under a perpetual injury cloud, Issaac Luke being perpetually suspended and stupid, and the Burgess brothers being perpetually clumsy, another cricket score is on the cards against the Bunnies.  Last year’s premiers are looking very shaky and probably won’t win another game this year.  The Roosters proved that there's life beyond JWH and Pearce (but we all knew they wouldn't miss Pearce) after giving Manly what-for last week.    

Penrith Panthers vs Newcastle Knights
The Panthers have had no fucking luck at all this year with injuries, and after troubling the finals series last year, find themselves battling it out for the wooden spoon this time around.  With Soward the latest injury scare following a desmolishment against Canberra, and the Knights putting together two decent games in a row, I’m tipping Oldcastle to scrape home in what could be the fucking game of the year.  Forget the glory of coming first, the dubious honour of coming last will spur this game to heights that haven’t been seen since… well probably about this time last year.  At least the losers of this match will take home the wooden spoon accolade, and rest easy knowing that they were the best losers that the league has ever seen.  

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Wests Tigers
Seriously, Dragons?  You needed to win against the Titans to remain in finals contention and you couldn’t quite do it.  I can see a deflated St George outfit turning up against a Wests Tigers team with nothing to lose and the smell of a down-and-out team in their nostrils, and getting horrendously pumped by them.  I reckon the Tiges will take this one by a surprisingly large score.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Gold Coast Titans
The Cowboys are in dire need of some form, and this will be their best chance to get some combinations happening before they play, you know, someone good.  The Tits have been riding their luck for a few weeks and have salvaged a bit of pride and a couple of points before the broom gets put through the ranks, but they can probably start planning Mad Monday celebrations right now.  And you know how good Gold Coast Mad Monday would be.  If they don’t make the Channel 9 News, I’ll be pretty disappointed.

Parramatta Eels vs Canberra Raiders
The Mighty Fucking Canberra Raiders will be looking to make it #twoinarow this week after destroying the Panthers on Monday night.  This week, the Green Machine face a slightly-more-difficult-but-still-not-that-intimidating prospect against Parramatta, who have had their own fair share of shit games this year.  Canberra will hopefully close out the year with a win, but plonk a “Mister Evil Breakfast Guaran-fucking-tee” on Semi Radradra crossing the stripe for a try or two.

Cronulla Sharks vs Manly Sea Eagles
Meh.  Sharks.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs New Zealand Warriors
I can’t get over how bad New Zealand are at the moment.  Like, seriously.  It’s just not cool, bro.  I wouldn’t tip them against my mum right now, and she’s not in the shape that she was.  Dogs by a trazillion and twelve.  Pick that margin.

After three days, police still haven't found Jamie Soward, but believe he's "still buried here somewhere."

Monday, August 31, 2015

An Ode To Canberra

Canberra’s the best place in the world, that’s clear
No city or country could ever come near
With towers and statues and buildings and shit
It’s a great place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit.

Interstate visitors, the first thing you’ll say
When flying into Canberra is “is it always this grey?”
Canberra’s beauty is unparalleled and grand
But is just as nice to see… even when you can’t.

Where else can you fly ‘round a city in fog
From 7am till 11 o’clock?
The airport is great, but there’s much more to do
There’s Kingos, the Kingo, the Iro & the Moose!

Or you could tour the lake on a Segway ride
Travel at walking pace & go broke at the same time!
Grab a kebab from the Yarralumla shops
They’re a fucking Canberra institution & they’re fucking tops

Speaking of food, check out Brodburger
Here are some tips to take your experience further:
Order your food, then go check out the sites;
the Civic sheep statues, the thing on Drakeford Drive.

Maybe visit Parliament House, go and roll down the lawn.
Take a trip into Fyshwick, buy some… uh… used cars. 
Go to Westfield in Woden to look for some clothes.
Notice all of the men’s shops have signs that say “closed.” 

And there’s fifty new shops that sell cheap plastic gnomes
More discount stores there than the Hyperdome.
Then go north to Bonner and Casey and Crace
Think, “Why such small houses with so much fucking space?” 

Then head back to the city to pick up your order
That delightful smell masking the Lake Burley water. 
You rock up to Brodburger, ready to eat
You did the right thing by ordering last week.

Out comes your burger, FUCKING YES ABOUT TIME
You laugh at the people who are still waiting in line.
So you mung down your burger, and eat it with glee
The only difference is that they added some brie.

“That’s it?” you declare as you chew up your cheese.
“It’s a fucking burger, with salad and meat.
I waited all day, paid way too much cash
And all I get back is a bit of fromage?”

But remember the way that new things can work
When they come into Canberra and make people beserk?
Like when they opened the first Krispy Kreme Canberra store
Thousands of people all lined out the door.

A week later on, no one gave half a shit
For a donut; whether glazed, iced or had custard in it
When a new trend hits Canberra, the owners are holding their breath
That it escapes from the infamous Canberra hug-to-the-death.

When something is new, Canberrans will pick out their side:
Either love it too much, or ignore it to die.
A gourmet meal served out of a truck
That’s quirky enough to make me give a fuck.

So fuck it, enjoy your food down on the lake
It’s just a fucking burger, for fucking fuck’s sake
A Canberran’s idea to make something to please us

And all it has taken are two kinds of cheeses.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

NRL 2015 Round 25 - All the off-field drama

Holy fuck, what the hell happened to the NRL last week?

Manly’s season ended when they struggled to overcome a struggling Parramatta team, Newcastle proved there’s still life in their decrepit old legs by beating Melbourne – the Storm’s fifth loss this year to a last-placed team – and Canberra forgot to turn up against the Titans.

Injuries have also turned the premiership race on its head.  The Roosters’ march to the minor premiership has been royally fucked by a season-ending knee explosion to Jared Waerea-Hargreaves, plus a bad case of dandruff for pansy-boy Mitchell Pearce, who will miss a month.  Souths have lost Greg “Future Immortal unless I play like I did last week” Inglis for at least a week while he recovers from a knee problem – hopefully he can also find some interest in the game during his time off as well, as he looked absolutely woeful in the loss to Canterbury on Friday night.  The Bunnies are not looking like contenders at all right now, and risking Inglis is probably not in their best interests.   The Cowbs will miss Michael Morgan, who has formed a great combination with Thurston this year, which has added a much-needed second player to the list of “people that the Cowboys rely on.” 

From the top eight, the fucking Bulldogs and Brisbane are looking like the most dangerous teams.

Off the field (sort of), the Wests Tigers, current favourites to be collecting the wooden spoon this year, have announced that they will be loading their captain Robbie Farah into the club catapult and firing him towards the sun, as they can no longer afford him under their current salary cap.  This is shit news, basically, and I fucking hate Robbie Farah almost as much as I hate Billy Slater, but way less than I hate Robert Lui.  I will have to draw a scale for you one day.  Farah joined the Tiges in 2003 (that’s 12 years at the same club, for those playing at home, Josh Dugan), and has played 236 games for them.  In 2013, he was inducted as a Wests Tigers Life Member.  Two years later, he has basically been sacked.  This is a shit way to treat someone that is regarded as a club legend, it’s a shit way to run a club, it’s a shit part of the NRL and it’s shit news for Robbie Farah. 

Rob’s current salary at Westststs is reportedly around $900,000 a year, and he still has two years to go on his contract.  If another team picks him up, they will probably offer him around $600,000 and the Tigers still have to pay him the remainder of his salary.  So instead of paying a man $900K, they are now paying no one $600,000 over two years. 

The salary cap restrictions and rules have been fucked for a long time, and this is probably a perfect example of why things need to be revised.  Special dispensations should be given to players who stick with a club for ten years, or if they receive life membership, or if they have managed not to be arrested during their career.  When Farah leaves, the average age of the Tigers will be 22, which is coincidentally the same number of knee reconstructions that James Tedesco will be having next year while sitting on a lazy $800,000 per annum pay rise.

Good luck next year, boys.

In other news, apparently ex-Parramatta legend Jarryd Hayne is trying his hand at playing NFL, but I haven’t heard anything of how his preparations are going.  I definitely haven’t seen twelve stories about him in two days, and absolutely no one at Fox Sports is jerking off over his every step. 

A list of players that the Tigers have let go in the last few years.  Courtesy of Beau Ryan's Instagram page which I found but don't look at because I can't remember my Instagram password and I only have like two photos on there anyway

Round 25

So many players missing this round.  Anyfuckingthing could happen. 

Souths vs Broncos
Whenever a team needs to score points against Souths, here’s an idea – run at Alex Johnston.  The kid is quick and is great in attack, but I reckon I could probably sneak past him, and I’m not in the shape I used to be.  And I’ve had a few.

Manly vs Roosters
As mentioned, the Roosters have lost Jared Waerea-Hargreaves for the year, but luckily have a small factory that churns out giant Kiwis to take his place.  The only worry about this game is that the Chooks won’t want to risk injuring anyone good (hence Maloney retaining his position) and may not dig deep enough to give 110% against a Manly side with nothing to play for.

Eels vs Sharks      
If the Sharks win (which they should) and the Rabbits lose (which they should), Cronulla will fucking sneak into fourth place.  FUCK.  OFF.  The Eels could come out and surprise everyone again, but for that to happen twice in two weeks would be nothing short of miraculous. 

Knights vs Doggies
Canterbury’s Sam Kasiano is fucking mental.  He gives me one of those “he’s ugly as sin but holy shit” boners.  I think the Morris twins will run amok on the edges of Newcastle’s often-breached defence, and should put on about 40 points.  Sorry Knights.  If Danny Buderus steps down as interim coach right now, he would go out as having the highest winning ration of any Newcastle coach ever.  Just sayin…

Storm vs Cowboys
The Storm are going in with an unchanged line-up that lost to bottom-placed Newcastle on Monday to take on the competition favourites.  Bold strategy, let’s see how they go.  They will want to fire up after another embarrassing loss last weekend, but my tip is going to the Cowboys.  Keep an eye on Kyle Feldt, who has a great name and heaps of speed.

Tigers vs Warriors
Fuck, I don’t know.  Despite the Tigers coming dead last but still looking more threatening than the Warriors have in the second half of the comp, I’m tipping for our Kiwi cousins.  How they’re still in finals contention is a complete mystery, and probably exemplifies just how bad everyone else has been this year.  Depending on how the Tigers have taken their off-field dramas, this could boil over like a forgotten saucepan.

Titans vs St George
You know how there are teams that are in the comp that you kind of forget about, and probably wouldn’t miss if they weren’t playing?  Yeah, that’s kind of these two teams for me, to be honest.  Nothing against either the Gold Coast or the Dragons, they just don’t do much for me.  Saints for the win though, apparently their season is still alive and kicking.  Allegedly. 

Raiders vs Panthers

The hardest thing about playing the Panthers?  Not hurting yourself when you tackle their wheelchairs.  That was way funnier in my head.  From a random stat that I read that I will in no way verify, this is the sixteenth time that Penrith have changed their starting halves combination.  I’m going for the Raiders this final week of Canberra Appreciation Month – hopefully they can lift a bit more than they did last week.  Also, hopefully they have learned that their BJ Leilui experiment was a fucking disaster, and will use his suspension to teach him how to play football.  I would fuck him off from the centres and get him into the second row.  Because if there’s anything that the Raiders need, it’s more giant fuck-off forwards.  Carn the Green Machine.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

What do Canberran people talk about?

People in Canberra are known to socialise with each other occasionally, as long as there are no Queanbeyan residents within earshot.  If you find yourself in a conversation with a Canberran but are struggling to maintain regular repartee, the following topics may be of assistance:

Insinuate that all Public Servants are fat, lazy bureaucrats who waste the taxpayer’s money and have three hour boozy lunches every day.
This is a good one for an icebreaker, I’ve found.  It incites some vigorous debate about the evolution of the office worker, and can lead to some interesting thoughts on any current or former Minister. 

Point out the benefits of a light rail system from Civic to Gungahlin.
If you are talking to some southsiders, and I’m talking, like, Banks and shit, explain how a new public transport system would be an asset to the entire city, and how it will 'eventually' connect each Town Centre following a flawless introduction that had minimal impact on taxpayers. 

Gungahlin will be just a couple of minutes away for people who want to leave the City and shop at Coles, if are willing to wait until 2025.

How it’s impossible to find staffy bull terrier breeders in Tuggeranong.
I haven’t seen or heard anyone mention that they have about twelve pregnant staffies, have you?  They are such beautiful animals that wouldn’t hurt anyone, but when they do it’s really out of character for them, especially like last week and that was the kid’s fault anyway.
Mention that you have never had a taxi driver take you the long way home. 
To better orientate yourself with the Canberra layout, the use of this topic will raise the different arterial roads that connect the suburbs, as well as demonstrate how highly-regarded Canberra’s customer-service industry is, especially if they are ethnic minorities. 

How you are pretty sure you received a speeding fine from the Athllon Drive point-to-point speed camera.

Bringing up the glorious roadside art installation on Athllon Drive will usually incite Canberrans to display their oft-hidden underbelly in that they are little-known physicists who will simply explain complex equations such as “waste of fucking time, space and money” to you, including the misunderstood “roundabout matrix” and the fact that someone stole the S from the Red Rooster sign again.   

Canberra's speed cameras are based on the classic Pixar movie Wall-E

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

How to speak Canberran

Canberra is a funny place, despite what everyone some people think.  Once you have come to terms with the epic Canberra Northside vs Southside battle, learned how roundabouts work and got up to speed with the fact that DEEWR became DEWR which became Education, Canberrans will feel the need to defend their territory by attempting to ridicule you with our clever turns of phrase.

Canberrans will be able to take a Monaro on the Monaro, but they wouldn’t, especially during peak hour.  On the subject of driving, you are well within your rights to complain about Canberra drivers, because even though everyone in Canberra technically is a Canberra driver, we know exactly which ones you’re talking about, and it's not us.  

You can meet up at Kingos or the Kingo on a Saturday night for a few beers, but you should probably work out which one first. 

When you get to work on Monday and Steve asks, “Did you watch the footy on the weekend?” the correct response is, “Yep, wish I didn’t though.  Useless, overpaid prima donnas, amirite?!!” and then you can both laugh and pretend that you are both talking about the same game, team or sport. 

Depending on the social situation, you can mention the suburb in which you live, but ensure that no one is insulted or threatened.  If you noticed the BMW in the driveway, feel free to drop the line: “I live in Narrabundah.  On the Red Hill side” and soon you’ll be sipping champagne with high society.  However, if you saw that their Camry has its bumper bar gaffa-taped together, and you’re pretty sure that it has the hubcaps that were stolen from your car welded on, you could try: “I’m in Narrabundah.  Near the shops” and they’ll probably offer you a warm VB. 

Don’t try and work out why rugby league legend Mal Meninga is playing cricket on ads for a law firm.  It was always a pretty tenuous link, and serves us only to realise how fat Big Mal is getting. 

Manuka Honey is the latest craze in hipster foodstuffs due to its medicinal properties, organic production and unique flavour.  Canberrans will never quite be 100% convinced that it isn’t made in the back-alleys of Manuka.

You can discuss the merits of Kingsley’s with any Canberran, talking about the tender, juicy meat & delicate sides, and how you have managed to spend way too much money there on several occasions.  Well you could, until Kingsley’s closed down and only Kingsley’s was there to ease the pain. 

If all this is too confusing and you’re ever stuck in a conversation with a Canberran, just drop a subtle “Fuck Queanbeyan” and you’ll be best mates forever, despite the fact that you never see each other but will fully catch up again soon, maybe the next time the footy’s on?

Thursday, August 20, 2015

NRL 2015 Round 24 - The race to the bottom of the ladder

Spoonbowl is on – with three rounds to go, there are still six teams who are threatening to take the prize that no one wants; last place.  That includes the Raiders, who just last week could have made the top eight if they’d won.  Crazy, no?  Looking at all six teams, they will all be in the running for being the NRL’s worst fucking team of the year until the final round, depending on results.  Luckily for the mighty fucking Green Machine, the Raiders have the best chance of escaping the dreaded spoon, as their next three games are against three teams below them – which is a feat in itself when you’re tied for second last.

Round 24

Dragons vs Panthers
Penrith could use that wooden spoon to stir a nice big pot of chicken soup so they can all feel better.  Benji Marshall is back for the Dragons, if that means anything anymore.  I'll tip the Dragons, but only just.  The desperation to keep off the bottom of the ladder will be a huge incentive for the Panfers.

Souths vs Doggies
No Sutton or Keary for Souths means this fucker will be a bit tricky to tip.  Issaac Luke getting let go by the judiciary for a pretty ordinary hit just adds to the confusion of what actually constitutes a shoulder charge.  “Was it late?”  “Yep.”  “A bit shouldery?”  “Yes, quite shouldery indeed.”  “No charge, here’s $20 for a cab, sorry to waste your time.  If you leave now, you’ll make it home in time for House Husbands.”  Of course, this just means that Luke is going to do something much, much more stupid this week.  Anyway, I am going for the Dogs.  I still can’t trust Souths… and when you trust Canterbury-Bankstown more than someone, you know there’s trouble. 

Cronulla vs Tigers
The Sharks were brought back to earth (or sea) last week with a thumping from the Storm, and the Tigers managed to fall to the Knights… somehow… so both teams will be looking to save face, keep in touch with the top eight/stay off the bottom of the ladder, and actually show that they’re not as bad as they were last week.  As a result, this game gets the Mister Evil Breakfast Dangerous Upset Game of the Round Stamp (MEBDUGOTRS).  I’m tipping the Sharks, but without too much confidence.

Warriors vs Cowboys
The Cowboys are meant to win, and the Warriors are destined to lose… which means that a solid 18 point win for the Warriors is on the cards.  Fucked if I’m tipping them though; they look like absolute dick at the moment.  And not good dick, if you know what I mean.  I don’t know what I mean.

Roosters vs Broncos
Could be the game of the season – the last time these dickheads played each other, the NRL world went into a complete meltdown about the quality and speed of the game, and it was branded an “instant classic” and will probably be available to watch on Foxtel on one of the sports channels next year.  Whether or not this one lives up to those lofty heights is anyone’s guess, as is the winner.  I’m going for the Roosters, but only fucking just.

Titans vs Raiders
The Raiders were kind of robbed last week against Manly, but were once again punished for not playing out the full eighty minutes.  With a 26 degree day forecast, the Canberra forwards could tire a bit more quickly than usual, giving the Titans about thirty minutes to win this one.  Canberra should still manage to scrape through by about 12. 

Manly vs Parramatta
The Eels gave a right good ol’ scare to the Roosters last week by leading for about 95% of the game before doing what we expected and capitulating badly to go down by 10.  Manly are probably a bit lucky to still have their season going, and will defend this one to the bitter end.  Any time Manly wins is a bit bitter.

Storm vs Knights

I’m going to pull out the ol’ MEBDUGOTRS again for this game, as it has my sirens ringing in all the wrong ways.  Not enough for me to tip Newcastle against Melbourne though.  I mean, come on.  Gidley.  Nuff said.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Canberra's Hidden Gems

Canberra has its fair share of great tourist attractions – the majestic Parliament House, the award-winning War Memorial, the edufunctional Questacon and the-how-is-this-place-still-open Cockington Green gardens. 

However, any Canberran worth their salt will tell you that the best parts of Canberra are the ones you have to look for, the ones that aren’t in your hoity-toity Lonely Planet guides; the parts of Canberra that tell a story that is less to do with grey buildings and roundabouts, these are real stories about love and loss and HOLY FUCK WAS THAT A PEACOCK? 

Yes, yes it was.  Canberra is home to its own flock of wild peacocks, that live on Dalrymple Street in Red Hill.  Rumour has it that a couple of go-getting Red Hill residents decided that their billion-dollar houses and sold-gold rocket cars weren’t enough, and wanted to raise a brood of peacocks.  No one is really sure why you’d want multiple peacocks wandering around your back yard; I don’t know how valuable they would be to sell, or if the Canberra market was ready to mung down on peacock meat or peacock eggs, or if there was much of a demand for big ol’ feathers, or if the Jonesmithtons in Yaralumla caught wind of it and said, “I hear Red Hill has its own peacocks.  I DEMAND WE GET SOME!  Can you please move the BMW to get to the Mercedes, as we need to upgrade it to the current model on our way, you know.”    

In any case, the RSPCA got wind of this fucking ridiculous plan and decided that Canberra isn’t the topsest place to raise tropical birds that get pissed off really easily, so the owners took them to a farm so they could chase tennis balls or do whatever peacocks do.  Unfortunately, the peacocks found their way back to their Red Hill house and continued peacocking around.  So they were moved again.  And again, they came back, but this time they completed a degree in International Relations at the ANU, joined the Public Service grad program, worked their way up to EL1, got picked up by KPMG Consultants and have subsequently moved into a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom place in Red Hill permanently. 

So the next time you are meandering around Red Hill, keep an eye out for Canberra’s own zoo.  You know, other than the other one.  

 Here, a peacock is seen scoffing at a 'common' car in Red Hill.  

Thursday, August 13, 2015

NRL 2015 Round 23: Rabble Rabble Rabble

Everyone and their dog (settle down, Joel Monaghan) has an opinion this week on whether the NRL is getting too soft by outlawing shoulder charges and punching people in the face or the back of the head.  The way the current rule is, any contact made by the defender with their shoulder and no attempt to use their arms is an automatic penalty and trip to the judiciary… except for motherfucking Kane Evans who put Sam Kasiano on his giant arse with the most blatant shoulder-charge this year and managed to escape all punishment through the legality of “holy fuck that was a good hit.” 

Then Willie Mason got suspended for lightly touching some fucking weak unit after said weak unit literally ran into him.  I’m not a massive Mason fan, but he was hard fucking done by, and it’s more proof that the NRL has no idea how to police their own rules.  Each tackle should be judged on its own merits, or lack thereof, including contact with the head.  If it’s a good fucking hit, it needs to stay in.  If it’s a good fucking hit that goes fucking awry, then punish that.  EASY AS FUCK.

In a classic Bulldogs move, up-and-comer David Minute was sacked by the club after repeatedly ringing a female trainer and jerking off over the phone to her.  That is some vintage Canterbury action right there.  We haven’t had a good old-fashioned sexual discrimination-verging-on-assault for a while from those lovable lads in Bankstown, so well done to them for maintaining the highest possible standards and once again shining a glorious light on the players of the NRL, while also providing a great example that the female staff members of rugby league clubs are always appreciated and held in the same stead as their male counterparts.      

Canberra Appreciation Month update
Well, the Raiders went and fucked up Canberra Appreciation Month AGAIN by fucking losing to the motherfucking Tigers on Monday night, snatching a heart-breaking loss from the sweaty clutches of a crushing victory, and really fucking up their fucking chances of fucking qualifying for the fucking finals.

Canberra looked like absolute balls whenever they were put under any kind of defensive pressure and proved AGAIN that they are currently incapable of closing out a game.  Blake Austin played as if he’d just come back from a date with Bill Cosby, and Sammy Williams tried to do too much in his first game back from injury and was attempting to carry the team on his tiny little shoulders.  Dave Shillington won’t forget his 200th game for the club, as he was sent from the field for headbutting – the first bloke to be marched in two years.  He somehow avoided the wrath of the judiciary, and will be taking his place in the team this weekend after spending zero weeks on the sideline.  This will probably make him a marked man for the rest of the season, and he should expect to cop a bit from other big boofheads who have been suspended for lesser infringements.  Could  be good to see what happens though, seeing as ol' Shillo seems to be sitting on a powder keg at the moment.  We might even see a punch get thrown.  If that happens, wake the kids up.  It's like Halley's comet.  

Player of the Week:  Shannon Boyd, who scored a double in Monday night's loss to the Tigers.  There's so much I'd like to say, but won't because I'd be afraid of this guy breaking into my house, literally tearing me in half and eating me.
Also, he's 22.  Twenty-two.  Let THAT sink in.  This guy has seen some shit.

 Round 23

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Both teams will have to pick up their act from last week’s effort to get the cookies in this match, and I think that Souths just have too much ground to make up.  Add to that a host of injuries, Joel Reddy and two Burgess brothers with pillows for hands, and my prediction is that North Queensland are going to towel up the premiers. 

Brisbane Broncos vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Fuck Brisbane, way to prove that you actually do suck by sucking a lot over the last few weeks.  Thankfully they are playing a rapidly declining St George team this week to get them back into the groove of beating wooden spoon contenders.  PHEW.

Wests Tigers vs Newcastle Knights
Newcastle?  More like OLDcastle, amirite?!?!  It would be nice to play for the Knights though – you get priority seating on public transport, discount movie tickets, weekly field trips, daily nap times, being surrounded by friendly people your own age that understand you…  The Tigers have been in season-best form lately (that doesn’t really mean much though) and have put together two wins in a row for the first time in two years, and unless they lose their heads this weekend, they’ll make it three.  Most clubs can only dream of such success.  Like the Raiders. 

Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors
Watching this match should come with a health warning that it has the potential to hurt all five senses and those with heart conditions or who are pregnant or support either of these teams should avoid it at all costs. 

Sydney Roosters vs Parramatta Eels
The combined score of the last two Roosters vs Eels matches at the SFS is 106-4.  That is an insult to the Australian cricket team as much as it is Parra. 
It must be close to illegal for games like this to happen.  If everything goes the way that it should go (on paper), it will be like watching the Roosters beat a cripple to death with their own wheelchair.  Yes, that’s how politically correct I am.  Go fuck yourself.  Yeah.

Canberra Raiders vs Manly Sea Eagles
The boldest of Canberra supporters can see the might fucking Green Machine snapping back into form and breaking Manly’s streak of wins… not me though.  Stupid dickwits. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Gold Coast Titans
This game has my stamp of “if there’s going to be an upset, it will be in this game, bitches” on it, but I wouldn’t put my house on that.  The Dogs forwards will take them to victory and really piss on the Titans season.  It hasn’t been great. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Melbourne Storm
The Sharkies are looking the fucking goods right about now – not that I’d admit that to anyone – and if they can beat a Storm team that should be pretty desperate to keep their grubby little claws in the top eight, they’ll confirm as genuine outside chances to possibly upset a good team to maybe get into the grand final, which they will lose.  If they don’t, then they’ll probably get on the ol’ slippery slope down to shitsville.  I reckon they’ll do alright though.  I’m so confident that sometimes it hurts.

Friday, August 07, 2015

NRL 2015 Round 22: Indigenous Round, so no booing unless it’s because you hate the player, like Greg Bird.

Holy shit it’s Friday already.  It was a bit of an up-and-down weekend last week; we saw the stupid fucking Sea Eagles flog a seemingly-unbeatable Broncos team and fuck everyone’s tips, then the Tigers decided to flog the bejesus out of an underperforming-but-still-it’s-only-the-Tigers-surely-you-can-beat-these-dickheads Melbourne Storm team.  The Bunnies dragged themselves to an unconvincing win over the Panfers, but dragged is the key word here - it was like they were crawling over broken glass and syringes while people spat on them... no, that was actually Penrith.  Meanwhile, St George got their first victory in seven attempts, but before we crack the champers and start planning a Grand final party, let’s not get too carried away, as it was only against Newcastle.  To top off the round, the Roosters and the Bulldogs decided to toy with everyone’s emotions by playing alternating 20-minute periods throughout the game. 

Thoughts on this week - Manly are shaping up to be the fucking Mighty Ducks this year, having scraped themselves off the bottom of the ladder after about 20 rounds, now find themselves just one win away from making the finals.  Come on.  I mean, fuck.  Come on.  Fucking hell, come on.  What the fuck, everyone?  Come on.

In Mighty Canberra Raiders Green Machine Bang Bang Big Mal Ricky’s Groin Jarrod Croker WOO GO YOU FUCKING RAIDERS news, Sia Soliola, one of the buys of the season and proud owner of a major contender for “hit of the year” has gone and ruled himself out for the rest of the year with a broken cheekbone.  DICKHEAD.   The injury was sustained in last weekend’s loss to the Cowboys in Townsville after the Raiders squandered an 18-point lead, and due to altitude and air pressure, was advised not to fly home after the game, which no doubt led to the following scenario….

Soliola: Argh fuck man, my cheekbone’s gone, broken, I’m fucked.  I’m done.  Oh well, at least we won the game, right?  We couldn’t possibly let an 18-nil lead slip. 
Ricky Stuart:  Uhhhhh... sorry, we kind of lost.  By kind of a lot. 
Solila:  Fuck!  Seriously?  Well that sucks.  Anyway, let’s get on the plane and we can go through the game and work out what worked and what didn’t, you know, find some key areas to target and improve on for next week.  It will make this seven-hour flight from Townsville to Canberra a useful endeavour. 
Ricky Stuart:  Yeah, about that…  we can’t actually let you onto the plane.  The ah, cabin pressure will worsen your broken bone.  The one in your head.  The one that broke.  
Soliola:  What the fuck, seriously? How am I going to get back to our nation’s capital then? 
♫ Sitcom intro music begins to play ♫
♫ Lost the game and broke my face
Gotta get out of this place
Can't catch a plane to get back home
Thankfully I'm not alone
Team doctor, cheerleader and then me
Driving back in a Suzuki
We need to cross Australia
My name is Sia Soliola  

I’d like to think the show deals with the inner workings of today’s modern athlete mixed with some road-trip hi-jinx and some hilarious “I-spy” rounds.

This week is a deadset cracker of a rugby league round, with almost every game a massive brainfuck as to who to tip.  Don’t worry everyone, I’m here to walk you through it.   

Brisbane Broncos vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Broncs got brought back to earth with a flogging from Manly last week.  Stupid Horses.  The Dogs, on the other hand, showed some rare fight in their close loss to the Roosters.  Hopefully Brissy won’t give them the opportunity to stage a comeback this week and will piss the Dogs well and truly away from the top eight.  Hate the Dogs.

Manly Sea Eagles vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Manly have dropped Turbo Tom Trbojevic for… reasons.  I guess Toovey just wants to piss as many people off as he can before he leaves the club.  This game has had me umming and aahing all week, and I’m scared.  Scared and cold.  And hungry.  And a little sleepy.  The Bunnies need to win this one to get some momentum going into finals; and also to quash Manly’s hopes and dreams.  Quashing Manly’s hopes and dreams is always a bonus.  On form… I’m sorry.  I can’t not tip Manly. 

New Zealand Warriors vs St George Illawarra Dragons
The Warriors have opted not to play Konrad Hurrell in this match, dropping him to NSW Cup, presumably to ensure that they will be knocked out of finals contention by losing matches, rather than through points differential.  Noble fuckers, don’t you think?

Cronulla Sharks vs Nth Queensland Cowboys
Time for both of these teams to nut up or shut up – the Sharkies have somehow managed to sneak their grubby little way into fifth place, while the Cowboys have been in premiership-winning form.  A win by either team will give them a boost heading into the arse-end of the season.  Go Cowbs, but only fucking just.

Parramatta Eels vs Penrith Panthers
Business as usual for both teams last week as they both managed to rack up losses.  I guess one team will improve that this week.  Stats and form and stuff are pointing me towards the Penny Panthers.  Probably by a lot, actually.  Donk a thousand on Bryce Cartwright to single-handedly flog the piss out of the Eels. 

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans
Melbourne were on the wrong end of what was possibly the upset of the round last week, getting smashed by the War Machine Wests Tigers.  The amount of psychological damage acquired may take longer than a week to fully overcome, and it may have fundamentally affected their self-belief and their lack of trust in one another.  It could lead to a lack of cohesion within the team mechanics, which is one of the major attacking weapons that their coaching staff has engrained within the team. 

On the other hand, fuck the Titans AMIRITE?

Newcastle Knights vs Sydney Roosters
The Knights have had a pretty shitty year in 2015.  All they really need now is some kind of scandal, maybe a salary-cap rorting issue, whereby it shows their players are also collecting their aged-care pension as well as match payments.  Newcastle are playing like the Australian cricket team lately – and will probably end up the same – losing by about 400.  The only thing they can hope for is that the Roosters fall into old habits and go into the game drastically underestimating a bottom-of-the-ladder team and forget to show up. 

Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

Both teams have lost some firepower with injuries to Sia Soliola and Josh Hodgson, with a suspension for Edrick Lee for the Raiders, while psychotic ball runner Martin Tapau from the Tigers will also sit out the week for attempted murder and cannibalism in a one-man fight last week.  The Raiders welcome back big Sammy Williams from a pec injury, all 5’3 of him – an inclusion that will warm my heart, as the Raiders have struggled like… well, Wests… without him.  The only bloke who could stop the Machine de Verde from winning this puppy is fucking Tedesco, who should have fucking signed with Canberra last year.  Other players to watch are fucking Brooks and Moses, who show flair in attack, but like most 12-year olds who play first grade, are shithouse in defence.  But they could definitely fix your Foxtel if it fucks out… and probably beat you at Call of Duty on the X-Box.  You know, those important things in life. 

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Mister Evil Breakfast's Canberra Appreciation Month 2015

I tried really hard to get this to match the meter and rhyme scheme of "True Blue" by John Williamson, but didn't really get there because I think I forgot how much he sort of just drifts off and mumbles "Hey True Blue" and "sponge cake" and it started to get hard.  I've also had that song in my head for about a week thanks to this stupid launch of MEBCAM for 2015.  So now hopefully you will too.  You can thank me later.

Hey Canberra

Hey Canberra, you’re number one. 
So you’ve got yourself four big lakes
And all those fucking swans. 

Hey Canberra.  Hey Canberra
Walked through Garema Place, met some brand new mates.  
Who all need just a dollar 
To catch a bus to Crace.   

Hey Canberra 
Is it the ANU? 
Is it Banks or Hall?  Is it Amaroo?
In line at the bar in Kingos on a Friday night. 
There’s only one person on tonight. 

Canberra, you want microbrew? 
Drinkin at Bent Spoke 
My rent costs less than a pint
But this is what we do

Hey Canberra  
If it’s ten below   
Give us fucking snow!   

Hey Canberra
How 'bout the Raiders 
Back in ’94?  Yeah, it’s been a while.
Hey Canberra (you suck) 

Canberra, are you at the Moose? 
Is it the light rail, or the Vader balloon
Is it going to the Arboretum, because you fucking love trees? 
I’m not judging.  You just like trees. 

Caaaanberra, how’s your owl statue?   
Is it Tongue n Groove?   
Is it Scotty and Nige, is it Erindale Pool? 
Is it driving 10 minutes to work, and getting all red lights? 
Still made it in by nine. 


words and music by Mister Evil Breakfast and possibly John Williamson

Friday, July 31, 2015

NRL 2015 Round 21: Fire all the coaches!

What a glorious week of football – it all began with the fallout of the Fifita twins being suspended for abusing a referee at a junior league game, Geoff Toovey was fired, Mick Stone was even more fired, and the Cowboys were accused of cheating the salary cap, but it just turns out that they were given “bonuses” by their club’s sponsor, in the form of extra houses.  Nothing suss there, especially since their chairman is a property developer. 

On the field, there have been more cricket scores than the current Ashes tour (fucking Australians), with the Bunnies, Brisbane and Cowboys putting on some big points.  The Sharks managed to snag another win against a Bulldogs team who have promised fans that they will “probably consider turning up to think about playing well” in their game this week.  James Segeyaro tried to sneak a win against the Raiders by attempting a chip-kick over an 8-foot giant in Edrick Lee, while Shaun Johnson broke our hearts when he broke his ankle against Manly. 

Geoff Toovey announced that he has been sacked as coach by the club for the 2016 season and will be replaced by St George numpty Trent Barrett next year.  Mick Stone was released immediately by the Newcastle Knights, with Danny Buderus given the reins to finish off a fuck-up of a year for the Novocastrians. 
You can't argue with Wikipedia

There’s a current NRL trend for defending teams to give up a penalty in their own 30-metre zone in order to slow the play down – giving the opposition an easy 2-point kick, which a lot of teams are opting for.  Instead, they should line up to kick the ball from right in front, but deliberately spray it short and wide for a winger or centre to race onto to score while the opposition are not expecting it.  I always thought the Raiders used to do this in the mid-90s for Noa Nadruku and Ken Nagas to score buckets of tries from, but then I realised that the Canberra kickers were just a bit shit.  Sorry Dave Furner. 

Round 21:

Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Fucking hell.  Games like this are proof that God exists and he hates the world.  Both teams have some giant fucking units in their forward pack, and some speccy runners in their backlines, but always seems to be completely underwhelming in all aspects of the game.  The Dogs would want to turn around last week’s fucking embarrassment of a game and actually turn up to this one, but I’m tipping the Chooks, mainly because they’ll be dressed as Captain America.  And if there’s one thing that epitomises the NRL, it’s a man wearing the Star Spangled Banner as a shirt.    

Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm
The Tigers have been putting up the equivalent effort of the bye this year, and I don’t see anything different happening this week.  The Tigers have been dealt another blow by having their captain Robbie Farah returning from injury, so they’ll have to deal with his incompetence as well as the clinical (read: boring) style of footy that the Storm have been producing of late. If anyone can stay awake through this one, they'll probably see Melbourne up by 20-odd.

New Zealand Warriors vs Cronulla Sharks
The Warriors lost sex machine excitement machine Shaun Johnson to a broken ankle last week and capitulated (as you would) against a resurgent Manly outfit, and look fairly lost without him.  The Sharks are looking pretty decent without being spectacular, and will grind out a win against our Kiwi cousins this weekend.  Mick Ennis is playing out of his headgear this year; if the Warriors can’t find a counter for his kicking game, they’ll be on the end of a shellacking.  And fuck the Fifitas; without them, Cronulla will probably have about thirty less penalties and eighty fewer dropped balls than normal.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Canberra Raiders
Raiders will have to tag the absolute bejesus out of Thurston to have a chance in this one – someone with the agility to match him (Croker) or the strength to flog him (Papalli).  Unfortunately, that would leave an even bigger gap on Canberra’s left edge if Crokes takes him, or Papalli will spend the next six weeks on the sideline for trying to kill JT.  Thursty could probably sit out the next six weeks and still waltz it in for the Dally M.  While I think the Cowbs will run away winners in this game, it won't be an easy game.  The Canberra forwards have been flogging the piss out of teams lately, and if they can just get a smidge more support from the backline, they'll push any team for 80 minutes.  And Vaughan is my new Canberra man-crush.  

Manly Sea Eagles vs Brisbane Broncos
A lot of punters are saying that Brissy are “due for a loss”, but if they keep playing the way they have been, there's no reason why they won't keep smashing it all the way into the finals.  This week, they're up against Manly, who have been showing some good form of late and are rumoured to be “digging deep” to give “110%” for their departing coach, Geoff “Tooves” Toovey.  Also keep an eye on a young bloke called Jake “I just mashed my face on the keyboard” Trbojevic, who has the official “next NRL superstar” label tattooed across his forehead.  Donk a tenner on Lyon to score a try against Jack Reed (donk a tenner on fucking anyone to score against Jack Reed, just quietly), but in the end, the Broncs will take this one by 10 or so. 

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Newcastle Knights
Desperate to get a win, the Knights have dumped their coach, hoping that the league mythology will prevail and they’ll get up in a battle of “who gives a fuck” in the Gong.  The Dragons have lost seven games on the trot, and will be hoping to keep a fingernail grip on the top eight, despite the fact that they probably don’t deserve to.  This game will answer the age-old question:  Who would win in a fight between Iron Man and Spider-Man if Iron Man and Spider-Man were two under-performing rugby league teams? 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Penrith Panthers
Three more players have been moved into the Panthers' morgue recovery ward, with Peter Wallace, Dean Whare and Nigel Plum joining about 30 other boofheads on the Struggle Street sidelines.  The Bunnies should probably walk over for another half-century this week.  Sorry Panfers.

Gold Coast Titans vs Parramatta Eels

The Eels have boldly named an unchanged line-up from the team that was beaten by 40 points last week, trying to prove that this team isn't as bad as they appear.  Parra’s defence this year has been as hard as soup, and their attacking plays demonstrate the ball handling skills of a lesbian.  In any case, this one could go the soccer route and be a fucking boring nil-all draw, or we could get some kind of 34-48 scoreline with nothing but razzle-dazzle and poor defence.  My thoughts: this game is more likely to produce no winners, just one team that lost harder than the other.