Thursday, September 22, 2011

Mister Evil Breakfast Wants a Farm and a Wife Who Has A Farm (maybe)

The phenomenon that is Farmer Wants a Wife carries on and continues to grow in popularity, as Australia’s love of blokes with akubras and flannies who don’t mind having flies root on their faces while they try and pick up chicks shows no signs of slowing down.

My last foray into applying for the world of reality television came in the form of a torturous process to get onto Big Brother. Alas, my application did not progress, which is a shame; I could have done with winning $1 million and pashing a few bogans.

The process to get onto Farmer is a bit easier. To apply as one of the hornbag chicks looking to bag a husband, you just have to answer a handful of questions and agree to make out with some bloke who’s been rolling around in pig shit all day. Then you go to the Farmer’s website, click on the farmer you want to go sheep drenching with, and if he thinks, “Oh yeah, wouldn’t mind mucking out her stable,” then you’re in like Old Farmer McGlynn.

To be a bachelor farmer on the show, it’s not much harder. And for a program whereby you basically get a couple of free farmhands in high heels to help you knock up a barbed-wire fence, there really should be a few stricter guidelines. I’ve seen previous seasons of Farmer, and the farmers are traditionally in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere, in a massive span of dirt that stretches for motherfucking light years. It wouldn’t be hard for a farmer to ‘accidentally’ lose one of the contestants in a shallow grave just “up yonder behind the creek,” if you catch my drift.

So I’ve decided to become both a contestant and a farmer on the next season of the show. I think I’m in with a chance.

This can be filled out by yourself (a farmer), or you can fill it out to nominate a friend of yours who is a single farmer.
Please email the form to:

Application for Farmer Wants a Wife
1.You must attach 2 photographs in total:
one head/shoulders

one full body length
2.You must agree to live on a farm for the length of the shoot, approximately 11 days.
I’m not sure if 11 days is enough time to have sex with all of the women I choose before picking which one I’m going to marry.

3.You must be single and genuinely looking for love.

Just don’t tell my girlfriend/s or wife/s.

4.You must be 18 years or over.

I have a tattoo.

5.We will conduct background police checks on applicants chosen to meet the farmers, and you must agree to this as part of your application.

Good luck; I have my DNA replaced every six weeks.

6.Applications must be received online. Applications received by post will not be accepted.

That’s a bit harsh.

7. For more information please apply.

You shouldn’t have to apply just to get further information, honestly.

If you have any problems filling this in, please call us on 02) 9434 0777

If I have problems filling this form in, I don’t think I’d be able to use a phone. And if I have to apply online and not by post, you should have an email address. Apparently you guys don’t believe in the ‘old ways.’ That doesn’t sound very farm friendly.

Name of Farmer:

Mister Evil Breakfast

Age & Date of Birth:

Old enough to kick your ass. And it's always my birthday, so I’m expecting presents and cake every fucking day.


Yes, it’s a really old Nokia.


Obviously, this is being lodged by email. There is no other way to lodge this shit.

Location of the farm:

Just up yonder, behind the creek.

Type of Farm:

Dinosaur farm

Size of Farm:

Big enough that if you were to run around it, you’d come back puffing and panting.

Nearest Town and Airport:

Nearest town is Montreal, and the closest airport is in Guam. Strangely, the farm is in Canberra.

Do you own your own farm?

Define “own” in both of the senses that you have used it in this sentence. Then define “farm.” That should keep you occupied for a while.

Do you live and work full time on the farm?

Yes, except for when I go to work at the office, which is most days.

Accommodation on the farm (how many can stay there):

Depends how fat they are. You could fit two on my couch, easy.

Does the Farmer know he/she has been nominated?

I’m pretty drunk, so I might not remember it tomorrow.

Has the Farmer ever been married? Divorced?

I’m just married to the job. And my wife. And my husband. Oooh controversial.

Is the Farmer looking for love?

Aaaaaw this is a sweet question. I’m actually just looking for my keys, and I reckon one of the girls stole them.

PHOTO OF FARMER (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)

PHOTO/s OF FARM (please insert a photo in this box, or attach on to the email when sending this form)
One of my brontosauruses showing off.

Free-range gallimimus herd

Free-range gallimimus herd meets free-range tyrranosaur

And that is literally all there is to it. Remember the good old days when you would date people with similar interests to you? Not anymore - with the information held in this application form, you can just imagine the number of great discussions you can have with the man/woman of your dreams about the size of your farm and how you are fully aware that you have been nominated. Actually, having seen the show, that's really not that far off the typical conversation.

See you at the reunion!

1 comment:

The Toddster said...

One of your best. I have a small puddle in my pants after seeing that dinosaur on 2 legs. I lost my shit. Toddster