Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Don’t let it go to voicemail

The end of August is a sad time for every Canberran, as the lights dim on Canberra Appreciation Month and life returns to normal, and we can go back to ignoring the National Museum, declaring the ugliness of Woden and Belconnen, and openly rubbish the Canberra Raiders.

As an end-of-MEBCAM treat for everyone, I have found an ode to the national capital entitled “Canberra’s Calling to You,” written by one Jack Lumsdaine in 1938. Yes, I’m serious, this is an actual anthem for Canberra that I didn’t write, hence the lack of references to the Hyperdome and Todd Carney.

So without any further Amaroo, I hereby declare Mister Evil Breakfast’s Canberra Appreciation Month CLOSED.

Take it away, Jack:

Canberra’s Calling to You

Rolling plains of the South land
Vast and wide and free
Windswept grass waving restless
Green as the mighty sea
Our great Commonwealth of Australia
Founded her new home
From God’s good earth
There came the birth of our capital our own

Like a jewel so rare
In a setting so fair
A city of white was born,
With its gardens of blooms
And its rare perfumes
That greet each sunny morn,
Australia’s creation
The heart of the nation
‘Neath azure skies of blue,
Wherever you are
Be it near or far,
Canberra’s calling to you

The 78m high Australia-American War Memorial not only looks a treat, it also keeps the magpies away

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Looks like we've got a whole new Situation

Move over, Snooki, Guidos and Guidettes! The next generation of reality TV superstars is set to hit our screens in a brand new show that is going to take the world by storm! From the streets of Civic to the cafes of Manuka, welcome to…

Join five of Canberra’s most outrageous personalities for a wild season in the nation’s capital as friendships and relationships are forged, broken and fixed within the same heartbeat.

Meet Tom, from the mean streets of Red Hill and has grown up without knowing real privilege. For his 16th birthday, his parents bought him a new BMW when he specifically had asked for an Alfa Romeo. It didn’t really matter though, as Tom wrote that car off a week later and bought an Alfa anyway.
Quote: It’s just money, don’t worry about it.

Kirryly is a hot bogan hairdresser who has been seen at all the big events, including Kylie’s 21st, Jorda’an’s 23rd and Adam’s going-away party. Asked to describe herself in one word, Kizza replied: “I am a really simple person, like, I like to, you know, like just be me at home, by, like, just on my, you know, on my own, or I love going out and getting off.” Kirrily is nearing 900 Facebook friends.
Quote: FML!

Justin is a 28-year old public servant who works in the IT section of an undisclosed Government department. He has always wanted to try paintballing, but hasn’t been able to arrange it with his friends yet. His favourite food is Cheese and Bacon Balls, and he enjoys email.
Quote: The cake is a lie.

Guy is a professional student, having spent the last 16 years on the ANU Campus, completing at least a year of a range of Arts subjects. He is a self-taught musician and can play the bongos, sitar, and tobacco hookah.
Quote: I’m sensing some strong vibes here.

Angela is a bubbly 20-something year old graphic designer from Hackett. This average income earner enjoys a drink on a Friday night (“or while watching Farmer Wants a Wife!”) and hits the gym with her best friend twice a week. Ange loves travelling and is hoping to do a European trip next year.
Quote: Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

With Canberra’s unmistakable cityscape providing a playground for the Burley Shore crew, there’s never a shortage of drama. Tom and Kirryly begin a relationship within seven minutes of entering Moosheads (“It was a record for both of us!”), while Angela tries to make awkward conversation with Justin (“he seems nice, but kept quoting jokes from The Big Bang Theory”). Guy refused to even enter the nightclub, protesting that the drinks were better at the Wig n Pen pub, and waited outside.

On Day 2, Tom and Kirryly break up, make up and break up again, while Justin and Guy bond over their common brand of laptops (Apple). When Ange and Kirryly struggle to become friends, Kirryly suggests that they should “Agreeta Disagree,” a ritual that she believes has Pagan influences, and people like “Napoleon and Maximus from Gladiator did to end their fighting.” Justin performs a concert on his sitar to mellow everyone out.

And that's just the first two days!

For Parliament House-flag-sized entertainment (that’s 12.8m x 6.4m), tune into the capital ACTion of the Burley Shore. Coming soon.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Canberra Fact of the Day

Canberra was going to be the setting for the next series of Underbelly, but had to cancel due to its low-crime rate following Todd Carney’s departure.

Friday, August 26, 2011

NRL 2011 Round 25: Licking the Spoon

WOAHOHOHOHO (pronounced exactly how it’s spelt) this is a good week of footy – there’s top of the table clashes in what could/should be a Grand Final preview betwixt the Storm and Manly; Newcastle and the Bunnies keep playing for their own survival; the Dragons’ recent shithouse form is going to be put to another test against a shit-hot Warriors side; and everyone else is scrambling to keep off the bottom of the ladder. I’m particularly interested in the Eels vs Roosters game this weekend, which will pretty much be like watching seagulls fight over the last chip on earth.

Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters
Manly Sea Eagles vs Melbourne Storm
Canterbury Bulldogs
vs Newcastle Knights
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Cronulla Sharks
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Wests Tigers vs Gold Coast Titans

Upset of the Round:
Chuck a sneaky tenner on the Titans.

Off-field bullshit of the Round:
The Roosters have ‘dumped’ Nate “The Human Soft-Serve Machine” Myles from the club, an entire two weeks before he is set to head off to the Gold Coast to play for the Titans. It’s like sending an anorexic kid to bed without any dinner. Grow some balls, you fucking dickheads. It’s no wonder no one likes you (that, and the whole Freddy Fittler thing).

Game of the Round:
Canberra Raiders
vs Penrith Panthers

Canberra Appreciation Month probably hasn’t gone entirely according to plan for the Raiders, having lost all of their matches during this hallowed and spiritual time. Like a sacrificial red-headed lamb with a busted face, captain Alan Tongue has thrown himself upon the pyre in a last-ditch attempt to bring out some Raiders pride for his final home-ground appearance this weekend.

If that’s not enough to bring out a decent performance from his team, then nothing will.

It’s also handy that the Green Machine are facing the Panthers this week, which is about as good a chance as they’re going to get to scrape together a win, like a bloke searching through the back-seat of his car for $5.50 for parking change – it’s not a lot, but it’s just enough to improve his day. Penrith have been struck a few major blows this week, as centre Michael Jennings is out with another drinking injury, and Luke Lewis was ruled out because he just couldn’t be fucked playing any more. The Sanyo Panthers have struggled on the road this year (Michael Jennings must have been driving), which also bodes well for the Canberra lads. Unfortunately, it’s stats like that that create false hope, especially for a numpty team like Canberra.

If the boys can’t lift for Canberra Appreciation Month, for me, for the fans, for Lime Green Milk, for the wooden spoon, or for Tonguey… then fuck em.

Why I don't play NRL #3: They don't like it when you fuck dogs.

MEB cumulative score: 107

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Canberra Faqt of the Dei

Canberrans like to prove themselves more Canberran than other Canberrans by telling them about the last time they remember it snowing in the city.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Canberra Fact of the Day

The number of spruikers in Canberran shopping centres outnumber the customers by 7:1, which has forced mergers within the spruiking industries. This has resulted in a 10,000% increase in the number of Somalian children signing up for gym memberships.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The distance between us

In most cities, the concept of distance and time are constants – a metre is 100 centimetres, a kilometre is made up of 1000 metres and so on. Canberra is the only city in Australia (perhaps even the world) in which distance warps itself beyond all recognition. Normally, a ten-kilometre journey is commonplace; you’d barely even mention it on your Facebook update (“LOL just leavnig work for the 10km trek home hope johnny has put the dinner on LOL cant wait for winners n loosers tonite LOL”), but in Canberra, a ten-kilometre journey is one worthy of an epic Greek poem. Funnily enough, when I was picking up some fish and chips the other week, the Greek bloke behind the counter started reciting one, but I really didn’t have time to listen; I had hot chips and a chiko roll to get home, and about eight k’s to cover. I needed all the time I could muster.

Despite the lack of major traffic concerns when driving in the nation’s capital; there’s little congestion, the lanes are wide, the green lights ample, the roads are paved and flat; the laws of time and space in Canberra deter people from venturing too far from their own driveways. It is not uncommon to witness a person from Belconnen begin to shake and sweat uncontrollably once they have ventured outside their own suburb.

Despite constant police warnings about going into districts with a different postcode than your own, many Canberrans still take that risk – and pay the price.
“Steve, it’s Eric. How’s things?”
“Good mate, how about you?”
“Fucked – my car’s broken down. Reckon you can pick me up?”
“Yeah of course, where are you?”
“Just near Kaleen.”
“Sorry mate. I can’t do that.”
“I pulled you out of your house when it was burning down!”
“Yeah, but you lived next door. You didn’t have to, you know, drive.”
“You married my sister!”
“Yeah, but she also lived next door. What was I going to do, marry someone in Hughes?”
“Where’s Hughes again?”
“I dunno, I think they have a good bakery there though.”
“Yeah cool, I think a guy I used to work with told me that. Can you seriously come and get me?”
“Sorry mate.”

“Hello police? A gang of ninjas have broken into my house!”
“What is your address?”
“It’s in Isaacs –”
“Isaacs? Yeah… nah. I think if you remain perfectly still, the ninjas will leave you alone. Their vision is based on movement. They’re more scared of you than you are of them.”
“Can’t you just come, please?”
“Isaacs? Yeah… nah.”

If you do venture outside of your designated driving zone, please be sure to have all relevant documentation with you, including passport and reason for visiting. You should also ensure that you have the relevant currency for the area you are entering – a phrase book will also help you out. Notify your loved ones of your location, estimated time of arrival and planned itinerary before you leave. Get all of your affairs in order, and for fuck’s sake, AVOID THE BRIDGE.

If you see this bridge, you've gone too far

Monday, August 22, 2011

Canberra fact. Of the day.

Canberrans have the right to not attend concerts, exhibitions and events due it being “too cold to go out” and then complain that nothing ever happens in Canberra.

Friday, August 19, 2011

NRL Round 24: Kissing Tongue Goodbye

The questions that need answering for this round:
1. Can Nathan Merrit score three tries to equal Brett Mullins’ record of 11 tries in three games way back in 1994?
2. Are St. George really as bad as they seem right now?
3. Should the Roosters have dropped Todd Carney a long time before now?
4. Are the Knights really still in finals contention?

And the answers are:
1. No. No one will ever equal the try scoring spree set by Mullins, nor will they beat up as many people outside the Queanbeyan RSL, or have a mullet halfway as permed as his was.
2. Yep. They should never have brought Gasnier back, and should probably put Soward on ice for a week, Demolition Man style. It worked for Wesley Snipes (almost).
3. That pin-eyed fuck knuckle shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a footy field, including trying to paint the lines onto the field. You have to be sober to paint. Trust me.
4. Yeah, apparently so. I know, I thought they would struggle without the Chief, but apparently the team has recovered since 1999. Pity the Footy Show hasn’t. WOO.

Round 24:
Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors
South Sydney Rabbitohs
vs North Queensland Cowboys
Sydney Roosters vs Cronulla Sharks
Manly Sea Eagles
vs Bulldogs
Melbourne Storm vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels
Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

Game of the Round:
Gold Coast Titans vs Canberra Raiders

Canberra captain Alan “I wear my heart on my sleeve and my tongue in my mouth and also in my name” Tongue announced his retirement this week, throwing huge disruptions into the Raiders’ finals plans. After the team stopped laughing about making the finals, they went back to planning their end-of-season holiday to Vanuatu. Then they had a few drinks and watched some DVDs (Daniel “Rufio!” Vidot had brought in a pirated copy of the new Harry Potter flick) and hit the showers, confident that they’d done enough to beat the Titans this weekend, thereby avoiding the wooden spoon and giving Tonguey a good note to go out on.

I mean, it’s the Titans. They’re easily the worst team in the comp, and the only thing they have to play for is trying to avoid the spoon, and sending Preston Campbell out with a win after his retirement… announcement… last… week. Oh. Fucking hell.

Even the fake crowd weren't that happy with Orford's arrival

MEB cumulative score: 101

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Canberra Fax of the Day

The floor at Mooseheads is deliberately sticky in order to keep people from leaving once they have entered.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Danberra Cact of the Fay

Dickson Woolworths refuses to stock their shelves with food items, or hire anyone except for the 16 year old kid who sniffs a lot.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Canberra el facto de dayo

Canberra roads have an entire lane dedicated for buses, despite the fact that there's only ever one bus allowed on the road at any given time.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Canberra Facto of the Dayo

If you are 10 years old and own a tin whistle and a hat, you are obliged to stand in front of any shopping centre and play Christmas carols from September until January.

Friday, August 12, 2011

NRL Round 23: Eight tries from victory

Any week in which Todd “Squinty McSquintenstein” Carney gets caught being a fuckwit and threatened with being kicked out of his club is a good one for me. Happily, that happens around fifty-one weeks a year. The remaining week is a bit of a drag, but it’s right around Christmas, so I can usually find other things to keep me occupied during that time.

For those not in the know, Carney, Nate “Poopy Pants” Myles and Frank “Can I buy a consonant?” Nuuausala disobeyed club rules and got on the piss following a visit to the tattoo parlour. Seriously. The last things in the world that Carney needs are more shit tattoos, and more beers. The trio of upstanding citizens were dobbed in by a cab driver, who has copped a bit of flak for his actions. Personally, I think he did Sydney a favour, as he no doubt stopped someone being pissed on and beaten up; two of Carney and Myles’ favourite past-times.

It’s cute that he’s pretending to know how to read the paper

Other than another step in the inevitable demise of Todd Carnbag, this round is special in that it’s Darren Lockyer’s record-breaking 350th first grade appearance. Honestly, I don’t think it’s that special; it’s only 350 more games than me, and I don’t even play league. I might take it up next year though, and attempt to beat Locky’s tally IN ONE SEASON. Beat that, you gravely-voiced bastard.

Round 23

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos
Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers
New Zealand Warriors
vs Newcastle Knights
Gold Coast Titans vs Melbourne Storm
Parramatta Eels vs Manly Sea Eagles
St George-Illawarra Dragons
vs Sydney Roosters
Sharks vs Bulldogs

Upset of the Round
Pop a dollar on the Eels to rock Manly’s boat, and watch out for a Roosters revival. It’ll be interesting to see how they play when their five-eighth is sober.

Game of the Round
Canberra Raiders vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
The Raiders welcomed Canberra Appreciation Month with a bang last weekend, going down to the Knights in the final 72 minutes of the game. The boys put on a great show, but just came up about eight tries short of victory.

This week, the fearsome men from the ACT will be locking horns and ears with the South Sydney Rabbitohs (sounds like a breakfast cereal. “I always start my day with a bowl of Rabbitohs!”). The Bunnies should be fairly confident going into the match; if demolishing the Panthers last week wasn’t enough to give them a boost, the fact that they’re playing the Raiders this week should do the trick.

It has been a tremendous 2011 season for the Raiders, who were recently unfairly knocked out of finals contention due to other teams continually beating them. Unfortunately for Canberra, peaking in Round 1 was possibly too early in the season, and it was always going to be an uphill battle following unlucky injuries to key players and the constant presence of Matt Orford. Orford will not partake any further in the 2011 as he prepares to undergo groin surgery after falling off one of those Dance Dance Revolution games at Timezone. Daniel Vidot will also miss this weekend’s game to recover from a grade three-level bad haircut and a nasty case of whiplash caused by watching people run past him during last week’s loss to the Knights.

Souths were lucky to escape a great fightback from the Eels last week, who just failed to make up the Bunnies’56-point head start, finishing 50 points short. They’ll have to be more alert this week, with the pillow-handed defensive line of the Raiders looking to upset the Rabbits’ finals dream. Reports from the Raiders sheds indicate that they’re going to tire Inglis and Merrit out – seventeen length of the field tries tends to take it out of you.

This guy looks pretty happy to have been Photoshopped into the Raiders for Canberra Appreciation Month

MEB cumulative score: 95

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Canberra Fact o' the Day

Kambah is well-known to Canberrans as “the largest suburb in the southern hemisphere.” No one has bothered to check it, but it is widely accepted that Kambah is “pretty fucking big.”

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Turkey-slapping interstate visitors: A guide to Canberra

Other Australians have a strange relationship with Canberrans – sure, we are better looking than the rest of our convict brethren, but the city and the people who inhabit it often invoke an instinctive reaction from the 21,000,000 Aussies who aren’t lucky enough to live within the glorious borders of the ACT.

“Where are you from?” they ask.
“Canberra,” is your response.
Now watch their face contort, as if you’d just stirred their drink with your dick and asked if you could turkey-slap their first-born.
“Do you like it?” they ask.
“Yes, it’s a great place to live.”
…and then BANG - the This Guy Likes Living In Canberra look, as if you’d just dug up his childhood pet and started dry-humping it.

“But there’s nothing to do there,” they say.
Actually, you’re wrong. There are multitudes of things to do, and I daresay 95% of them are the same activities that you’d find in any other city in the world. You can play sport, watch sport, eat out, drink coffee, go shopping, visit a museum or gallery, go to university, get on the piss, see a movie, go to the gym, buy a dog, kill a hooker and hide her in a lake. You could do all of this in one day if you really wanted to. Twice, if you’re quick at killing hookers.

“There’s no nightlife.”
That’s not entirely true. If you’re looking for a nightclub that you have to line up for 3 hours to get into, pay $30 cover charge and then $50 for three drinks that you waited for another hour to buy, then you’re probably shit out of luck. Canberra nightclubs have a gold coin donation to get in the door, and the bar staff water the drinks down so much that it would be criminal to charge more than $3 for anything. Let's be straight here; nightclubs are actually fairly shit the world over, but feel free to head out to a Canberra club if that’s your thing. If you’re not having a good time, it probably means that either you’re a dickhead, or your friends are. That’s not Canberra’s fault.

“There are so many public servants!”
True. Canberra is where parliament sits, so it makes a bit of sense to have the people who work for the government live in Canberra as well. It’s called a workforce. Strangely though, there are also other jobs available in Canberra that might also appeal to those folk who live interstate. And then there’s the option of not using your career as a substitute for your personality.

“Your roads have roundabouts everywhere!”

“So many roundabouts!”
I’m sorry, I don’t follow your train of thought. Are you really struggling that much to hack on Canberra that you’ve had to resort to our road design? A roundabout is a quick and easy way to - you know - turn, which might confuse some people, especially if they’re from Sydney; a city in which it is not only illegal, but downright impossible to make a right hand turn. Did you know that if you buy a car in Sydney, it has its right-hand indicators removed to avoid confusion? Melbourne has fucking hook turns, which are basically the same as roundabouts, but without a dirty great circle in the middle of the road. And Brisbane has Queenslanders in charge of motor vehicles, so don’t even get me started on that.

I’m not saying that other cities aren’t also tops, because they are. There’s always that special something something about them that differentiates them from other cities, whether it’s the skyline or a monument or a big old ugly building. But don’t come to my fair city and wander around looking for the Opera House. You left that behind, dickhead. Have a gander at Parliament House instead - they're both giant buildings that you'll never go into unless held at gunpoint.

Now help me over here; this dead hooker isn’t going to put herself in a sack.

"Jesus Christ, that roundabout is coming right for us! If only there was a way to turn around! Oh wait..."

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Fact de Canberra de jour

89% of Canberrans are aware of the suburbs of Macarthur and Macgregor, but only 21% know which one is which.

Monday, August 08, 2011

Canberra Fact of the Day

Instead of replacing or cleaning the easily-and-repeatedly-vandalised suburb sign for Cook, it would be more efficient to officially change the name to Cock.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Round 22: NRL tipping Canberra Appreciation Style

Canberra is the greatest city in the world and its rugby league team is without peer. The Mighty Fucking Green Machine Canberra Motherfucking Raiders are so good, in fact, that they have opted to give every other team in the comp a chance to win the premiership this year, and have decided not to win many games. It’s just another example of how truly wonderful this team is. I mean seriously, as if the Raiders could possibly lose to the Titans and the Tigers and Manly and Cronulla…actually, pretty much everyone… unless they had decided to give the 2 points away prior to kick off.

It’s the same way you let your little sister get you out when you’re playing back-yard cricket.

Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs vs North Queensland Cowboys
Wests Tigers vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Melbourne Storm
vs Penrith Panthers
Cronulla Sharks vs Gold Coast Titans
Brisbane Broncos vs New Zealand Warriors
Manly Sea Eagles vs Sydney Roosters
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Parramatta Eels

A few games there that are sure to get people a bit excited (well, as excited as you can be about a game that doesn’t involve the Raiders) – of particular interest is the St George vs Tigers match which will determine just how shit the Dragons are going right now; and the Brissy vs Warriors game that threatens to be a decent contest between two teams who are in good form. To be perfectly Francine, that one is likely to be a 16-all draw.

Upset of the round:

Doggies to beat the Cowboys. I’m not tipping them, but it just might happen.

Game of the round: Newcastle Knights vs Canberra Raiders

Normally, the Raiders would be gentlemen about this game and say, “Novocastrians, please jog past me to score a try; I promise I won’t even attempt to tackle you. I feel sorry for you because you don’t live in Canberra and have access to Questacon every day of the week. Hell, you don’t even have Silverchair anymore, and that makes me sad for you.” But since August is Canberra Appreciation Month, they will stand up for their city and win big to commemorate this exciting time.

Players to watch: Josh “Tampon” Dugan. He’ll be easy to keep an eye on; he’ll be the bloke sitting on the sideline eating pies and earning about $400,000 a year. In the four minutes he plays before being injured though, he’ll probably also somehow manage to score a few tries as well. Although, with Kurt Gidley standing between him and the tryline, it’d be embarrassing not to rack up at least 60.

MEB cumulative score: 91

Canberra Stadium wanted to commemorate the brilliant career of Mal Meninga with a statue. Unfortunately, they could only afford one of Andre the Giant

Thursday, August 04, 2011

New Releases $7 each or three for $25

“Hey look kids, I brought home a DVD!”
“Aw dad, not Weekend at Bernies again - we watched that last week!”
“I know, but I got this one… from Blockbuster in Kingston!”

When you rent a DVD from Kingston, you can rest assured that you are in for a unique viewing experience. Whether it’s a timeless classic like Predator, or an action-packed explodathon like Predator II, each time you put the DVD into the player, you might as well be watching a completely different movie – or no movie at all!

The staff at Kingston Blockbuster are specially trained not to clean any returned discs, and in fact go out of their way to ensure that each movie has been personally chewed by the store’s manager.

And that’s a guarantee.

You’ll miss entire chapters of the movie, have no sound, mismatched vision and random pauses within the film. Have you ever wished that the Lord of the Rings trilogy just kept going? Then rent the movie from Kingston, and experience that feeling! Do you cry when Leonardo diCaprio dies in Titanic? Just pick up a copy from Blockbuster and there's a good chance he'll never get on the ship in the first place.

"My DVD didn't work when I rented Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I'd like a refund, please."

"Then we just did you a favour. Go fuck yourself." At Blockbuster Kingston, you pay for the experience of renting a movie, not for the pleasure of watching it. Just don’t try and bring it back late, or they’ll take your first born as compensation.

Ooh this looks like a good one.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Canberra factoid of the day

It is a law that all nightclubs in Canberra play 500 Miles, The Grease Megamix and Blister in the Sun twice a night.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Canberra Fact of the Day

People opt not to live in Ngunnawal simply because they’re sick of trying to spell it.

Monday, August 01, 2011

Welcome to MEBCAM 2011

Happy Canberra Appreciation Month for 2011!

Fresh Prince of Canberra

Now this is a story all about Canberra
A place where you aren’t punished for driver error
So shut up about your big cities and how Canberra’s a bore
I don’t see anywhere else with suburbs called Harrison and Forde.

In South Tuggeranong, born and raised,
at the Hyperdome is where I spent most of my days,
Pacific 6, Sizzler, and Timezone were there
Tight black jeans and hightops, kids with rat-tailed hair
When all my favourite shops got boarded up again
I jumped on the 120 and started hanging out at Woden.
When I saw that McDonalds was inside, I knew I was wrong
To have spent so much fucking time down in Tuggeranong.

When you call for a cab, get your bank manager on hold
& when you wait for the bus it’d better not be too cold
If you don’t have a car, you’re right up Shit Creek
Which is as shitty as it sounds and has green algae outbreak.

Canberra has a lot of roundabouts, which some people don’t get
But it makes it easy to u-turn when you’re lost in Rivett
Visitors to the Berra can’t wait to pour shit on ya,
But they can go fuck themselves ‘cause we’re the capital of Australia.

Canberra's Lake Burley Griffin is so polluted that it reflects unnatural light onto the surrounding buildings