Thursday, January 24, 2008

just like home-made

Yep. Swanky new blog design. I clicked on some extra buttons when I was posting and look what happened. I impress myself way too much.

Can someone please explain what's going on with cafes and sandwich shops these days? A sandwich is still just a slice of bread, meat, cheese, perhaps some salad and then another piece of bread chucked on top, right? (I'm right, trust me, I've done some research) How this can cost $7.50 is beyond me. For $7.50, I could buy enough bread, meat, cheese and salad to feed a large herd of sandwich-hungry elephants. Sorry, I didn't realise I now required to take out a loan for lunch. Just having a coffee? You're up to your eyeballs in debt, sunshine. Or you would be, if you hadn't already sold them on the black market to pay for a pack of Burger Rings from the vending machine. A coffee will cost you around $3.50 for a tiny little cup. I could buy most of Brazil for $3.50. I just don't want to. It's not in my 5-year plan.

Here are the instructions for making coffee:
Put a teaspoon of coffee into your mug. Add hot/boiling water. Add milk and sugar to taste. Stir well. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Or you may be one of those champions with a coffee machine, or have decided that you're too good for instant coffee. Fine.

Here are the instructions for making plunger coffee:
Put ground coffee beans into carafe (yes, that's what they're called). Add hot/boiling water. Push down plunger. Pour into mug. Add milk and sugar to taste. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Here's how to make percolated coffee:
Insert coffee and coffee filter. Add water. Wait for coffee jug to fill up. Pour from jug into mug. Add milk and sugar to taste. Serve immediately. Serves one.

Or if you're one of those 'hoity toity' types who has their own "cafe style" machine at home:
Turn on machine. Go to uni for seven years until you learn how to use it. Clean out filter, rinse grinder. Wait for machine to warm up. Cut leg off and wait for it to grow back. Insert coffee beans. Wait for machine to cool down. Add water. Wait for water to boil. Rent 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy and watch them back-to-back (including extra footage). Fill cup with coffee. Put milk in 'frothing jug' and attach to 'frothing knob'. Travel into the future. Serve as soon as possible, cause by the time you've made one, the milk will have expired, you'll have missed your own 90th birthday party, and apes will rule the world & they'll wonder why you spent $1,000 on the world's largest paper-weight.

Since when has having a coffee required you to save up? Since when has a sandwich become a status symbol? Why is a salad costing $6.00?

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, I like the taste of cafe style coffee."
"You know what I like? Not being a chump."

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

does whatever a spider can

Welcome to Summer. Thanks for turning up. And so we have the age of barbecues, afternoon beers in the sun, swimming at the beach, pool, neighbour's pool, dam, lake, river or nappy bucket. The season where we all smell like SPF 30+, tan lines aren't just for truckers and our only wardrobe malfunction is when the rubber bit comes out of our thongs (that must sound funny for overseas readers. But that's your fault for not being Australian). Aerogard sales go up, dam levels go down. It's nature's see-saw.

And the bad part of summer? Spiders. I fucking hate spiders. They're everywhere you don't want them to be, like in the corners of your living room, on the wall above your bed, sitting inside your shower, on the windscreen of your car. And yes yes yes I know the majority of spiders can't really do too much damage to a person, even though this is Australia, the land where even rocks are poisonous, but there's something about spiders that I just don't trust.

It's definitely not natural for them to fart web that gets stuck every-friggin-where. There's one particularly nasty prick that puts a web in front of my car every day, and every day I walk through it (because I'm an idiot) and every day I'm worried that this stupid 8-legged freak has hitched a ride on me. Ever get spider web on your hand (and not in the "go web, go" sense)? Yeah, chances are it's still there twelve years later. And I honestly can't trust anything that hangs upside down on my roof for days. Blu-tac doesn't stick as well as spiders. But I think the main reason I don't dig spiders is because of the way that they move... it's not natural for something with eight legs to move the way they do.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, octopuses/pi have eight legs! Do you hate them too?!"


But just not as much as I hate spiders. If an octopus decided to take up residence on the wall above the tv, I'd probably shit myself four times over. But they haven't, so I remain relatively poo-free. And giant squids take down killer whales. That's awesome. If a spider trapped, caught and ate a plane (doesn't even have to be a big one, it could snag a hang-glider for all I care), then I'd be impressed. I'm still waiting.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, you eat calamari!"

So what?

If a spider was any sort of good eating, I'd have a bite at it too. But since there hasn't been an explosion of places offering deep-fried huntsman with chilli and rock salt, I'll assume they suck as food the same way they suck as being useful pieces of the world.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, they're too small too eat LOL!!11"

According to a statistic that I just made up, there are around 120 000 spiders in a typical suburban neighbourhood. Mash a few hundred together and you'd have a decent plate of legs there. Since no-one has, I'll just assume they don't make good eating, which is another reason not to have them around.

"But Mister Evil Breakfast, they kill flies!"

So does fly spray. And fly spray also kills spiders. Seriously, do we need spiders now that we have fly spray? The answer, friends, is no. My house is currently crawling with all sorts of flying bugs, you name it, moths and mozzies and weird giant bugs with humungous antennaes, and it's also home to the largest spiders this side of the Amazon, and they actually seem to be co-operating to piss me off. So spiders have officially become useless.

So whether you choose to whack them, spray them, wash them down the plughole (keep the water running, or they'll crawl back up), just make sure they're dead.

Enjoy your summer!

Monday, January 21, 2008

balls and stumps and stuff

There's been a fair bit said about the Aussie cricket team of late. Are they monkeys, are they arrogant, are they racist, do they show sportsmanship, are they all just a pack of wankers? Let's break it down, James Brown, and see what the survey says.

Matthew Hayden
Haydos is a unit, big and intimidating. He's often seen strolling down the pitch to club so called 'pace' bowlers back over their heads for another six. Haydos literally prays every time he goes to the wicket, so if you think you can get him out, you also have to contend with God. I reckon he's a bit of a tosser, personally, although since he's about 4 times bigger than me, I wouldn't say it to his face (unless I was pretty drunk). Apparently is the worst sledger in the team, repeating one bad phrase all day long. Will probably play for about another 50 years.
Wanker rating: 7
Cricket rating: 8

Phil Jacques
Jacques is a bit of a French name, and they're all wankers (not really). But Phil hasn't whored himself out to as many sponsorship deals as the rest of the team, probably due to the lack of a personality. Also drops a lot of catches, although is given the uneviable fielding position of bat-pad, which is basically sitting on the batsman's toe, waiting for him to belt it into you and hope like hell that the ball sticks. I watched this bloke doing his fielding warm-ups before the Sydney Test match, and trust me when I say that the term "throws like a pansy girl" is a compliment to him.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 5

Chris Rogers
Perth was Christopher's first crack at Test cricket, so well done you on making the team. Short-sighted and colourblind, how this guy ever became any good at cricket is beyond me. After seeing him play, it's yet to be determined if he is. I think he took a speccy catch somewhere along the line, but I may also be thinking of me. Wanker rating : Undetermined.
Cricket rating: 3

Ricky Ponting
Everyone loves Ponts, I think he's a tool. Just the way he is, rubs me up the wrong way, all Chipmunk-like. God he's annoying. And arrogant. And he almost lost the Sydney test due to terrible captaincy. And... god he just makes me so angry I can't talk about him.
Wanker rating: 10
Cricket rating: 7

Michael Clarke
Pup is supposed to be the next test captain. He'd want to buck up his ideas from this series if he still wants to take the most prized position in Australian sport. He might also want to learn how to catch, as no fewer that 12,000 chances have gone through his hands this summer. Batting had been a problem until the second innings in Perth too, which is a concern for one of the country's premier batsmen. Should concentrate on going back into the nets for a session or two instead of doing shithouse ads for KFC and whatever that Backyard Cricket thing is advertising. Idiot. Pick up your game, you skivvy-wearing knob-end.
Wanker rating: 7
Cricket rating: 6

Michael Hussey
I can't fault Huss, even when he gets out playing bad shots. He's just the best. Should probably avoid doing commercials with Pup though. I think he'd make a decent James Bond, or could possibly play Ken if the live-action Barbie movie ever gets underway.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 10

Andrew Symonds
Roy's had a lot of press lately, none of it to do with cricket. Looked disappointed to get out from a dubious decision in Perth, but should have thanked his lucky socks that no-one saw it fit to rule him out seventy-five times in Sydney. I'm still not sure if I really like him, but he's growing on me like a mole.
Wanker rating: 5
Cricket rating: 8

Adam Gilchrist
Not his greatest summer by far, but Gilly is still my most favourite person in the world. This might also be his last summer in the baggy green, so pay some respect to the great man. Did I ever mention that he waved to me a few years back? Yep. That's how tops he is. And to prove how tops I am, I waved back. It was probably the biggest highlight of his career.
Wanker rating: 1
Cricket rating: 12

Brad Hogg
I can't fault Hoggy at all. Yes, yes I can, and I will. George isn't the greatest bowler in the world, so trying to fill the void left by Mr SK Warne was always going to be an uphill struggle. Loads of character and a bowling face to rival Murali, he is never going to be a great Test bowler, but he'll do until someone else comes along. Hoggles also looks like he needs to pee when he walks. Trust me, check him out if he ever gets another game (Adelaide).
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 5

Brett Lee
Bing does keep getting better with age, like cheese or wine or leftover Chinese food. Can still crank his pace up to around 150kmh and maintain some semblance of control, so that's nice. Seems to have forgotten how to bat, but we'll forgive him for that. Doesn't seem to be doing as many shit ads as I thought he would, but might make an appearance on a bad Channel 7 Celebrity Singing/Dancing/Ice Skating spectacular (hosted by Darryl Somers) when his career is over. Bing's career, not Darryl's. Somer's career will never be over, unfortunately.
Wanker rating: 4
Cricket rating: 7

Mitchell Johnson
I don't mind the look of Johnsy, and if he can land the ball on the pitch a few more times in a game, he could prove to be a bit dangerous. Nice pace, can bowl for long spells and doesn't seem to be too much of a twat, but it's still early days. Is also the greatest batsman since Bradman, as his current average shows. 99. Yeah, bitches. Has officially replaced Nathan Brackan as my favourite left-arm pace bowler.
Wanker rating: 2
Cricket rating: 7

Stuart Clark
I'm going to say it right now - Stuey Clark is super tops and I have a little man-crush on him. Has perfect control over his bowling and isn't afraid to swing the bat. Should be taking the new ball in every game he plays. Due to his lack of wankerness, he's probably alienated from the rest of the team a bit, but will no doubt have more friends after his career is over than the likes of, say, Ponting and Hayden.
Wanker rating: 0
Cricket rating: 9

Shaun Tait
The great white hope fails to deliver again. I picked Taiter as a bolter to make his mark on the international scene in 2005. Didn't quite go that well, but has since roughed up a few blokes on the pitch, so was given another shot at superstardom. Alas. Much touted as being the fastest bowler in history, he struggled to lift his pace above 130, and even then he flung down a trillion wides. Best moment of his career will be during the Perth test where he lost his run up after bowling a 9-ball over, screamed "FUCK" and went to hurl the ball at the batsman from behind the umpire anyway. Awesome. Nice going Shaun, but stick to Twenty20.
Wanker rating: 4
Cricket rating: 3

These guys are all paid an absolute motsa to do one thing: PLAY CRICKET. They should spend at least eight hours a day training for cricket, and I don't mean to go for a jog down to the shops to get some more Gatorade for an ad, or to swim the Pacific Ocean to get some KFC for an ad, or to bowl a Nissan Pajero at each other for an ad, I mean to pick up a bat and a ball and try to maim each other with them. Cause if these guys aren't tough enough to play the gentleman's game, they can piss off and get Andy Fucking Bichel and Jason Dizzy Gillespie back in. At least you know they'd give their all.

Friday, January 18, 2008


You know the best thing about motor racing? When the drivers stall their cars at the green light. Whenever this happens, I feel a sense of pride. Sure, they are all rich, they get to travel the world, drive cars at insane speeds, date supermodels and get invited to fancy-pants parties, but you know what? I know how to use my fucking clutch.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

you cannot be serious

According to this story, spectators at a recent tennis match were sprayed with capsicum spray by police.,8659,23059623-23216,00.html

That'll serve you right for watching tennis.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

it's my party

This guy is a knob

In case you've been living somewhere other than Narre South Warren, Victoria for the past week, you might not have attended the world's greatest party. I was there (not really, but prove me wrong, naysayers. Prove me wrong). Some little punk-ass kid was supposed to crash with his friend while his folks headed to Queensland for a holiday. Said punk-ass kid decided to hit MyFace or SpaceBook or BeboTube or GoogleEarth or whatever it is that you crazy teenagers are using these days, and invited the world over to his house for a party.

You know that scene in The Lion King where the wildebeest stampede and Simba is caught in the gorge? (Spoiler alert: Mufasa dies) Think of that, but instead of hundreds of crazed animals, think of hundreds of pissed teenagers. And instead of Mufasa dying, think of letterboxes being smashed. And instead of Simba, think of Gizmo from Gremlins. Just cause. Also in The Lion King, you know how Timon and Pumbaa dress in drag and do the hula? That kind of happened as well, but instead of a meerkat and a warthog dancing, there were policemen with dogs and a helicopter.
I love Disney films.

In any case, the drunken wildebeest teenage riot cost $20,000 in damages and the cost of the hula-dancing policemen. What does the punk ass kid do? Hides at his friend's place, ignores the calls from his family and whores himself out to any media that will put his ugly little pose on the box. Fair enough, tiger, have yourself a party, wear your Paris Hilton sunglasses, wear a furry parka but no shirt, be as much of a tool as you like, but own up to it. Accept a bit of responsibility that you, Corey McFucktard, organised a bunch of strangers to come to your house, drink turps and paint-stripper and maybe, just maaaaaybe, the 500 or so idiots there 'disrupted the peace'. You're the kind of guy who spreads mayo over tables in McDonalds pisses in shoes while the guy in the shop isn't looking. I'm sure the 15 year old kid who has to clean that up thinks you're hilarious for $7 an hour.

You're a knob, and if I see you in the street, you're getting a crowbar across the back of your head.

However... the worst part is that people are apparently offering him $20,000 to organise another party. $20K is a lot, especially to a retarded 16 year old like Corey. Think of all the Coolabah wine and soda bulbs he could buy with that. Listen here, peeps, the guy didn't organise anything the first time. He put a message on the internet, which is quite, quite free, not entirely time consuming, and available to the world. You could quite possibly do it yourself, and save yourself... ooh, let's say $20,000.

If anyone actually pays this kid to do anything other than flip burgers or stack supermarket shelves, they'll be getting a crowbarring as well.

And just for the record, here's my crowbar list as it stands:

- Anthony Mundine
- Jennifer Lopez
- Kevin Federline
- Wendell Sailor
- Lleyton Hewitt
- Russell Crowe
- Shane Watson
- All of Jet
- Freddie Prinze, Jr
- Justin Timberlake
- Corey

Welcome to the club.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Mister Evil New Year

Welcome to 2008.

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted anything... here's what's happened in the world since my last entry:

- After the ban of Bindeez, ravers began drinking the juice from their glow sticks.
- It became newsworthy to report that iPhones haven't been released. Neither have jetpacks, which are way overdue and a whole lot cooler.
- Paris Hilton had sex 1,000,000,000 times.
- I still don't understand Facebook, nor can I remember my password for it. But thanks to the 200 odd people who want me to be their friend.
- In a move that shocked the world, Natalie Imbruglia split up with Daniel Johns to concentrate on her career. No one realised she had one.
- Britney Spears' sister is proof that teenagers are, in fact, having sex.
- Australia received 12,289 beneficial decisions in order to defeat the Indian cricket team.
- I used my right indicator 24% more often than I used my left one.
- No good movies were released.
- The drought in Queensland ended. The flood clean-up began.
- Comedy Inc became Australia's favourite drama series.
- I realised that Kevin Rudd really does look quite odd.
- US tv show writers went on strike, so no new shows were made for about a thousand years. Apparently it takes a friggin genius to knock out an episode of Ugly Betty.
- 'White n Shine' toilet cleaner received the award for "Laziest Product Name" ("It whitens and shines"), narrowly defeating Colgate's 'Plaque Removing' toothpaste.
- Dave Hughes still isn't funny.
- The phrase "shock first round loss" lost all impact when referring to Lleyton Hewitt.
- 892 comic books were turned into movies.
- This blog entry.

And now you're up to date.