It’s that time of year again that the nation stops doing whatever it's doing so we can watch a couple of horses prance around a field whilst carrying a dwarf atop their back. If there’s a better Australian tradition, then it means I’ve forgotten about Australia Day, the day after Australia Day, any day where there’s a cricket match on, and every other fucking day except for Melbourne Cup Day.
This year, the awesomeness of the Cup extends itself to the famewhores of the United States of Merica, as Sarah Jessica Parker intends on making an appearance. For a $40,000 appearance fee. To spruik her new movie. That no one will see. That she received a few million dollars to appear in. That is a piece of shit.
It is nice that SJP gets to attend the Cup this year though – (a) it’s most likely the last time anyone will have to hear her fucking name again, and (b) she gets to be among people of her own disposition.
There is also a rumour that Kim Kardashian is also going to be there, perhaps to form the back half of a pantomime horse (with Sarah Parker up front), if her schedule of doing … uuuh… allows it. This is a genius move from the Cup Public Relations people, as they try to tap into the elusive “vapid 15-year old slut” market, as they are the only people who would think that Kardashian has any actual value, other than Kardashian herself (another easy $45,000 for her). Kim will also be unveiling her new perfume range. That smells like her last perfume range. That she had no part of making. That she doesn’t wear. For those who won’t be able to be there in person, we’ll just have to make do with watching her on all four of her identical reality TV shows.
But by far the biggest name appearing this year is Brynne Edelstein. Oh wait, I mean “the biggest fuckwit.” I hate this old bag and I hope she gets eaten by a rabid horse. In fact, I hate this whole fucking day – why do we have "A-List" "Celebrities" from America and Cirque du Soleil acrobats doing hour-long trapeze shows in a “tent” made out of diamonds, with a butterfly house being set up by Myer? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH FUCKING HORSES?
The only sensible thing that happened this year in an attempt to drum up some national pride for the Melbourne Cup was some champion deciding to make a movie about the Cup. They called it The Cup. It had that bloke from The Castle in it. Unfortunately it looked shit boring and fairly depressing and was about jockeys. No one saw it. Because it was boring and about jockeys. And not really funny at all.
But who am I to piss all over this great day? Australians, grab yourself a chicken leg (the traditional meal for this traditional day), head to the TAB, pop on a stupid hat and get acceptably drunk at work. My money’s on Sarah Jessica Parker, but only if she’s being ridden by the guy from The Castle. Even though he’s not funny any more. Except on those ads.