This week in the NRL, Australia cheered as Billy See You Later Slater confirmed the worst-kept secret in NRL history – he will not play State of Origin due to injury. Also, because he’s rubbish.
West Australians had their own reason to cheer - plans for the West Coast Pirates to join the league in 2014 or 15 or something (details are my life) were unveiled this week, and it all sounds pretty fucking good to me – I’d support the shit out of anything called the Pirates (except those movies with Johnny Depp; they seemed a bit rubbish). As a Pirates supporter, I'd get things like cool hats, parrots to superglue to my shoulder, peg legs, hooks for hands, eye patches, cutlasses and scurvy – just imagine the awesome packs they could put together. After the game, kids could dig for treasure (the prop’s teeth), while their parents drank rum. Each try would be welcomed with the boom of a cannon, and at random intervals in the game, the club would unleash the kraken onto the opposition.
Of course, I’m only a Pirates fan for the hype and merchandise. They’d better get some decent players, or they won’t get a single piece of eight from me.
Hoist the main sail, bitches. Make this shit happen
In teams that actually do currently play in the comp, it’s another short round (“you call him Doctor, lady!” – does anyone see what I did there?) due to the impending annual Queensland-wins tournament to be held next week.
I think the Broncos will fall to the Sharks; surely Brisbane haven’t stolen enough depth from other clubs' junior teams to cover the loss of their entire first-grade roster. I’m thinking the Eels will shock everyone and scrape in a shitty win against the Knights. There's no rhyme or reason for this tip though. It's just that someone has to fucking win, right?
Upset of the round could be the lads from Penrith stealing a victory from the Bunnies. I’m not going that way at all though. That’s just fucking stupid.
Brisbane Broncos v Sharks
Parramatta Eels v Newcastle Knights
New Zealand Warriors v North Queensland Cowboys
South Sydney Rabbitohs v Penrith Panthers
Queensland v New South Wales
GAME OF THE ROUND:
Canberra Raiders v St George-Illawarra Dragons
It’s the annual “gimme” game for the mighty fucking Canberra fucking Raiders this week, as the Dragons turn up to Canberra Stadium to somehow be comprehensively beaten by a much weaker team. Despite the Raiders being without Dugan (picked it last week, thank you), an injury cloud over Berrigan, losing their best forward in Shillington and a bad case of “the spastics” infecting the rest of the team, they will still conquer the mighty red Vs.
St George have decided to fight Raiders with Raiders for the game and have named Josh Miller, Dan Vidot and Bronx Goodwin to play. Unfortunately for them, this plan should backfire as there’s a good reason that the Raiders opted to get rid of these players, yet retain players of the calibre of Sam Mataora. Trust me, the tough Islander name is a massive ruse.
Roy Asotasi took his sixteen-year old daughter's doodle pad to the tattoo artist and said "Ink me!"