Friday, June 29, 2012

NRL Round 17: Pirates and mainsails and yo-ho-ho

This week in the NRL, Australia cheered as Billy See You Later Slater confirmed the worst-kept secret in NRL history – he will not play State of Origin due to injury.  Also, because he’s rubbish. 

West Australians had their own reason to cheer - plans for the West Coast Pirates to join the league in 2014 or 15 or something (details are my life) were unveiled this week, and it all sounds pretty fucking good to me – I’d support the shit out of anything called the Pirates (except those movies with Johnny Depp; they seemed a bit rubbish).  As a Pirates supporter, I'd get things like cool hats, parrots to superglue to my shoulder, peg legs, hooks for hands, eye patches, cutlasses and scurvy – just imagine the awesome packs they could put together.  After the game, kids could dig for treasure (the prop’s teeth), while their parents drank rum.  Each try would be welcomed with the boom of a cannon, and at random intervals in the game, the club would unleash the kraken onto the opposition. 

Of course, I’m only a Pirates fan for the hype and merchandise.  They’d better get some decent players, or they won’t get a single piece of eight from me.

Hoist the main sail, bitches.  Make this shit happen


In teams that actually do currently play in the comp, it’s another short round (“you call him Doctor, lady!” – does anyone see what I did there?) due to the impending annual Queensland-wins tournament to be held next week. 

I think the Broncos will fall to the Sharks; surely Brisbane haven’t stolen enough depth from other clubs' junior teams to cover the loss of their entire first-grade roster.  I’m thinking the Eels will shock everyone and scrape in a shitty win against the Knights.  There's no rhyme or reason for this tip though.  It's just that someone has to fucking win, right?

Upset of the round could be the lads from Penrith stealing a victory from the Bunnies.  I’m not going that way at all though.  That’s just fucking stupid.

Brisbane Broncos v Sharks
Parramatta Eels v Newcastle Knights
New Zealand Warriors v North Queensland Cowboys
South Sydney Rabbitohs v Penrith Panthers
Queensland v New South Wales


Canberra Raiders v St George-Illawarra Dragons
It’s the annual “gimme” game for the mighty fucking Canberra fucking Raiders this week, as the Dragons turn up to Canberra Stadium to somehow be comprehensively beaten by a much weaker team.  Despite the Raiders being without Dugan (picked it last week, thank you), an injury cloud over Berrigan, losing their best forward in Shillington and a bad case of “the spastics” infecting the rest of the team, they will still conquer the mighty red Vs.   

St George  have decided to fight Raiders with Raiders for  the game and have named Josh Miller, Dan Vidot and Bronx Goodwin to play.  Unfortunately for them, this plan should backfire as there’s a good reason that the Raiders opted to get rid of these players, yet retain players of the calibre of Sam Mataora.  Trust me, the tough Islander name is a massive ruse. 

Roy Asotasi took his sixteen-year old daughter's doodle pad to the tattoo artist and said "Ink me!"   

Thursday, June 21, 2012

NRL 2012 Round 16: Nothing happened this week.

State of Origin time really does suck the life out of some good NRL news, doesn’t it?  Absolutely nothing has happened this week – even Todd Carney has been quiet.  I could have sworn that when David Gallop quit as CEO, he knew that there was some kind of disaster looming that he really didn’t want to be a part of, like the Broncos squad all being part of an elaborate meth-dealing operation (and honestly, you don’t get a voice like Darren Lockyer’s without inhaling toxic meth fumes all day, do you?), or having Benji Marshall posing as a plumber to rip off pensioners.  But the Australian National Rugby League has been all hush-hush and boring.  Kind of like the AFL, but without as many mincing pansies.

The only thing that people are really worried about this weekend is staying uninjured for the naming of the next round of Origin players.  Justin I like x-rays Hodges is always injured, which gives every Queensland centre a glimmer of hope, and with Billy The Rat Slater having a forelock injury, it has finally opened the door for someone likeable else to handle the custodian position for the Maroons.  The main contenders are Ben I’m way more arrogant than Slater but not even close to being as good Barba and Matt Remember Me? Bowen.  I’d go for Bowen because I kind of like him (not in that way though... well, maybe a little), and Barba is just a massive show-pony who rivals Jarryd Hayne for over-ratedness.  And yes, that is a word; it’s totally in the dictionary.

NRL Round 16 

My tips this week are coming from my gut – although it hasn’t been a particularly strong week for the old Evil Breakfast stomach – but in order to appease the gods, I’m following it in any case.  What’s that stomach?  Mrrrrgggghhh.  Yes, I agree, Manly should win.  Brrpppp.  I’m with you, stomach – the Bunnies will upset the Broncos, and St George will finally get a win.  They’d freakin better, anyway.

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Melbourne Storm
St George Illawarra Dragons v Gold Coast Titans
Brisbane Broncos v South Sydney Rabbitohs         
Penrith Panthers v Parramatta Eels 
Sydney Roosters         v Manly Sea Eagles  
Newcastle Knights v Wests Tigers

Nth Queensland Cowboys v Canberra Raiders

The Raiders sure did give the Bye something to think about last week.  Oh yes indeed.  Unfortunately for Canberra, the Cowboys are threatening to put up more of a fight than a weekend off, and will no doubt keep Canberra’s shitty season continuing the shit-train to Shitsville.  I’m predicting a good 24 point victory to the Cowboys, and at least one serious injury to a Raiders player. 

Speaking of injuries, rising Raiders star Jack Wighton has been ruled out for the rest of the year with a toe injury.  In true Canberra style, Jack didn’t hurt himself in an awkward tackle or through an extreme training exercise.  He hurt his foot in a backyard trampolining accident.  Now... trampolines these days have those stupid cages around them so IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET HURT.  My hat goes off to you, Jack, for being able to get drunk enough to hurt yourself on a child’s safety toy.  You will go far in the NRL.  

 Josh Dugan has shaken off a threatening cheek injury and should be at full inflation this weekend

Friday, June 15, 2012

NRL 2012: Round 15 - State of Origin Round-Up and Thurston's Day Off

HOLY SHIT I’ve just come down from my State of Origin II high (or SOOIIH, if you’re into your acronyms [and I know you are]) - it was a great game of fooseball, and made up for the disappointment that was State of Origin I.  It had everything a league fan could ever want; Billy Slater having a shit game AND getting injured, NSW winning, a guy called Cronk got sent off, NSW didn’t lose, the chick who sang the national anthem was super hot, QLD didn’t win, Jonathan Thurston didn’t play well enough to even think about sleeping with his team-mates’ wives, and QLD lost. 

It may not have been the most convincing victory in the history of victories – that trophy still belongs to anyone anywhere who has ever won anything else – but it was enough to knock a toothless smile from every Queensland supporter all over Australia.  Sure, the good Morris brother’s try was a bit lucky, considering Jarryd Hayne dropped the ball but was fortunate enough to have his foot accidentally connect with it (or, as the commentators described it, “Had the presence of mind to acknowledge that he had to keep the ball alive, so chipped ahead and set up a perfect bounce for his centre three-quarter to run onto and out-pace Greg Inglis to score in the corner”), and Queensland bombed a thousand opportunities (or “chose not to score at that opportune moment”), but it was a well-deserved win in any case. 

And fuck it, we got to see Billy Slater play another shocker in representative colours, and loosen his child-size Tarzan-grip on the No.1 jersey.  Bring on Game 3, biznatches!

It was good of Akuila Uate to entertain the crowd before the match

NRL Round 15     

It’s another tricky one this week, and a lot of results will depend on which superduper Origin stars decide to turn up to work for the weekend.  I’m opting for the Doggies to take down the Dragons, because I’m sick of tipping the Dragons and being disappointed.  What the hell happened to you guys?

Another all-Queensland battle is on betwixt the Cowboys and the Broncos this week, with slack jaws being the order of the night.  My prediction – Dairy Farmers Stadium will be drowned in spit, and the Cowbs will hang on for a win.  Hell, Thurston had a night off on Wednesday night; he should be fit to go. 

St George-Illawarra Dragons vs Bulldogs
North Queensland Cowboys vs Brisbane Broncos
Sharks vs New Zealand Warriors
Parramatta Eels vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Gold Coast Titans vs Penrith Panthers
Wests Tigers vs Sydney Roosters
Manly Sea Eagles vs Melbourne Storm

Game of the Round:

Just relax and think back to the awesome Raiders victory of last week.  It has kept me warm this week, which is handy because my heating has been shut off due to me betting all of my money on them to lose. 

Friday, June 08, 2012

NRL Round 14: Farewell Mr Gallop

OH MY GOD WHAT A WEEK OF NRL ACTION AND SHIT AND STUFF.  I didn’t pay much attention to everything that was going on (because I was drunk), but I did have enough nous about me to notice that the CEO of the NRL told it to GTFOand went AWOL.  Rumour has it that he left because Brett Stewart keeps ringing him every eight minutes demanding an apology for not standing by him after he got drunk at the NRL launch and fingered an underage girl.  Fingered is such a good word.  It's a bit like the word 'moist'. 

So that pretty much leaves the job of running the NRL open for me to step into.  My first point of bidness will be to get rid of dickheads and fuckwits.  All tattoos will have to be run by me, and if I don’t like them or deem them to be a bit shit, I will either ban the owner from playing footy, or cut off the offending limb/ peel off the skin/ set fire to it.  Then I will teach all players some simple grammar, starting with the difference between “came” and “come” so I don’t want to brain myself when I hear Joey Fucking Johns say “During Friday night’s game, when Fui-Fui come on the field, Parramatta looked great.”  If Fui-Fui comes on the field, Joey, everyone will drown.

In terms of tipping this week, it’s another case of who-the-fuck-knows due to half the competition playing Origin, half the competition having the bye, half the comp being injured, suspended or in jail, and the rest is the Raiders playing the Knights.  

I’m predicting that the Tigers will knock over an Origin-depleted Melbourne team, the Titans will knock over a leader-depleted Sharkies squad, the Roosters will knock over a redneck-depleted Brisbane outfit, and the Warriors to knock over a talent-depleted Panthers mob.  

Melbourne Storm vs Wests Tigers
Sharks vs Gold Coast Titans
Sydney Roosters vs Brisbane Broncos
Penrith Panthers vs New Zealand Warriors

And then, there’s the GAME OF THE ROUND:
Newcastle Knights vs Canberra Raiders

Yep, I’m doing it.  I’m going back to the Raiders, despite their fucking dismally shitty woeful fucking performance last week.  It would have been pitiful, if I was into giving pity to overpaid prima donna “athletes.”  This week, they’ve gone on a soul-searching mission into the Hunter region, where they played drinking games and watched Meg Ryan movies.  This is no doubt a step-up from their previous training sessions of ignoring defensive techniques and dropping the ball.  

I think the Canberra boys will have something to prove this week, and will come out against the Knights with purpose.  I have been saying that for a few years now though.

Remember when the Raiders made a tackle last weekend?  If not, here it is again.

Oh yeah…
State of Origin
New South Wales vs Queensland

Yeah… I still don’t see the Blues doing anything of note.

Friday, June 01, 2012

NRL 2012 Round 13: Why People Hate Manly

The NRL served up a platter of fuck last week – a few games were decided by a point or two, other games had scorelines that blew out to cricket scores.  Admittedly, they would have been shitty cricket scores, but still.  

Steve Matai played last week, and as a result was cited for dangerous tackles, swinging arms, elbowing, use of the knee and copped a warning for having his left brake light out.  If Steve Matai ever gets somebody to write his biography for him, most of the pages will be about how he filled in his time at the judiciary and then spent eight seasons watching his mates play footy from the sidelines.  Because he’s a little fucking bitch, Manly “coach” Geoff The Original Rat Toovey has argued that the NRL judicial system is unfair because Matai keeps getting suspended.  

Yep.  It’s the system’s fault.  The same way that Jeffrey Dahmer thought that the system was unfair because he kept getting into trouble for eating people.  “They shouldn’t taste so delicious!”  Seriously Toovey, no one liked you when you played, and no one likes you now and NOW YOU KNOW WHY.

Speaking of little princesses who play footy (also for Manly), Jamie I have a Girl’s Name Lyon has come out and said that he rejected a call-up to play State of Origin because five years ago he lost confidence in his game after, you know, making the Kangaroos tour.  I know that when I get picked as one of Australia’s best players, it really makes me double-guess myself too.  NSW coach Ricky I complain so much I might as well be at Manly Stuart phoned Lyon to invite him into the Origin squad, but Lyon said, “No shanksh.”  At the time Stuart said he "totally accepted" Lyon's reasons.  Stuart didn’t mention that he didn’t want to invite Lyon in the first place, and that his mum was making him do it.

Round… what are we up to?  Thirteen?  Jesus. 

This week we’ve got an all-Queensland affair with the Titans hosting the Cowboys in what has been billed as possibly “the slowest talking game ever” in a battle of the drawls.  Extra security will be on hand in the car park to make sure all of the dogs remain tied to the back of their utes during the game.   

Head scratcher of the week is Manly taking on the Dragons.  While I do like the Saints, they either haven’t been playing great footy this year, or they have an in-team competition going to win games by one point.  This week though, Manly will be able to cheat and whinge their way to victory.

Gold Coast Titans vs North Queensland Cowboys
Manly Sea Eagles vs St George-Illawarra Dragons
Bulldogs vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
New Zealand Warriors vs Melbourne Storm
Brisbane Broncos vs Newcastle Knights
Parramatta Eels vs Sharks

Game of the Round:
Canberra Raiders vs Wests Tigers

The Raiders were pummelled by the Bunnies last week, and despite somehow getting to within two points at half time, were never going to be able to stop Greg Inglis and Dave Taylor.  It would have been nice of them to try though.  I’m not sure what the Raiders do at training (sit around and paint each other's nails, probably), but playing touch football is not an option.  Hit the fucking tackling bags, line up the Under 20s side and play British Bulldog, just fucking do things that teach you how to tackle!  Jarrod Croker and Sam Williams are not renowned for their defensive skills, so donking them both on the same side of the field as Souths’ best attacking players probably wasn’t the best strategy of all time.  Yes, Dave Taylor is a juggernaut, and yes, Greg Inglis should be injured by this part of the season, but occasionally you have to do things in your job that you don’t like.  For some, it’s filing.  For others, it’s getting in the way of 120kg monsters.  If you don’t like it, I’ll swap you for the Pinsky file.

To plug the hole in defence this week, coach Dave Everyone hates me Furner has dropped Sam Williams and brought fullback Josh Dugan into the five-eighth position.  I hope he has a Plan B, because when Dugan gets stretchered off with injury halfway through the first half, that defensive hole will reappear.  

As much as I love them, I cannot pick the Raiders this week.  Sorry lads. At least you're playing at Canberra Stadium, so no one will be there to see you lose. 

Why I don't play footy #4: I don't like smelling Mick Crocker's farts