Saturday, April 28, 2012

Welcome home, Todd Carney!

A special thanks to “Anonymous” who left a lovely message in the comments section last week:  Hey MEB, Will you be holding a banner/sign at next weeks game at Berra Stadium? I would love to hear your suggestions of interesting & amusing slogans the crowd should use in the theme of your mate Todd.

My sign, as always, reads “Play better, Raiders.”  I’ve had that sign since 1995, and I just know that one day they will read it and heed its advice.

This week though, in honour of our prodigal son, Todd Carney, who will be returning with the Sharkies to take on the might of the Green Machine, I am organising the “Carney Army” to take up section 42 (or wherever I decide to park my arse for the day).  We are loyal Carney supporters, and we show this by setting fire to the spectators in the rows in front of us and extinguishing the flames with our piss.   

From Friday night's Bulldogs v Manly game, the security staff stopped fans bringing in any banners about Des Hasler.  I'm assuming that the Canberra guards may do a similar thing (but probably not).  In any case, they may take our banners, but they'll never take our Todd Songs:

Our Favourite Player

Toddy's our favourite player
Whichever logo’s on his back.
We don’t care who he plays for
As long as he’s got new tatts.

Carney's our favourite player
If he wears the six or one.
Or if he’s pissing on my leg
Or setting fire to my bum.

Todd Carney's our favourite player
He really is a gem
He loves a drink and a drink and a drink and a drink and a drink
Please give him the Dally M!

Carn Carney

Carn Carney, carn you good thing! 
Carn Carney, kick for your right wing!
Carn Carney, run fast and run far!
Carn Carney, let’s see you drive a car.

Carn Carney, carn you good thing!
Carn Carney, this is what we sing.
Carn Carney, tell us all what you’ve learned.
Carn Carney, let's go to Goulburn.


Todd Carney is a sight to see
When he plays the game.
Todd Carney is a sight to see
Trying to sign his name.

Todd Carney loves to kick the ball
And play for brand new teams.
We’re all wondering who he’ll pick
Next year in 2013. 


Todd Carney drives players in tackles
Todd Carney drives the ball when he kicks
Todd Carney drives cars into phone stores
And takes camera phone shots of his dick.


We love you Todd Carney forever
Regardless of your club
And because you've been banned from driving (three times)
We'll take you to the pub. 

Words and music by Mister Evil Breakfast

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Round 8... again... the real one.

Following the kick-off of representative football, we’re back to our regular programming with the rest of Round 8.  The ANZAC test betwixt the Kangaroos and the Kiwis failed to get my excitement levels too far above “meh” and two out of the three Australian tries were fairly rubbish pieces of play, while the best NZ effort was a 90-metre intercept.  All in all, I’d say the best thing that happened was Billy Slater being sin-binned for being a massive dirty cheat, and Daly Chery-Evans being forced to sit on the bench all night and watch everyone else have fun because he’s from Manly.  That’s probably not entirely the reason, but I’d do it to him.  I’d actually do it to the entire Manly team.  Then I’d make them all watch that Zac Efron movie.  In 3D.  Twice.  And pay for it themselves.  And not on a Tuesday.  Then I’d make them recycle their 3D glasses afterwards just in case they thought “Hey, at least I managed to keep my 3D glasses!  Maybe this wasn’t such a bad day after all.” 

So Big Willie Fucking Mason is back… again.  No one knows why, and the majority of the NRL community is pretending that he doesn’t exist in the hope that he will go away, kind of like what the AFL is doing to Israel Folau.  I also have it on good authority that the Newcastle Knights’ CEO woke up fairly hungover one Saturday morning, and upon checking his computer, realised that he’d sent a lot of Facebook friend requests to his high school girlfriend, was banned from The Voice talkback forums and had bought an acoustic guitar and Willie Mason on eBay.  When asked about his Friday night, he offered this response:
“While my online comments towards Delta Goodrem may have been seen as the ramblings of a drunken, malicious and ill-informed person, I stand by my claim that Rachael would have been better suited to be a part of Seal’s coaching team.  As to my guitar purchase; simply put, I have always wanted to learn guitar, and I actually thought I was buying Willie Nelson, not Willie Mason.  If Mason cannot teach me to play the guitar, I don’t know what we’ll do with him.”  He declined comment on his Facebook actions.

Round Eight:
St George-Illawarra Dragons v Sydney Roosters
Melbourne Storm v New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos v Gold Coast Titans
Bulldogs v Manly Sea Eagles
South Sydney Rabbitohs v North Queensland Cowboys
Parramatta Eels v Wests Tigers
Newcastle Knights v Penrith Panthers

There’s always the danger of having an upset due to the stupid rep games, but I’m going fairly safe at this stage.  A couple of coin-flips for Souths vs Nth Queensland and Canterbury vs Manly were required, but I got there in the end.  Lucky I use my double-headed coin for those ones.

Game of the Round:

Canberra Raiders v Sharks

Oh Raiders.  Raiders Raiders Raiders.  Honestly.  What are we going to do with you?  Not tip you, is what I’m doing.  I still love you though.

The Sharks have been surprisingly good this year, and seem to be one of the form teams in the comp.  The Raiders, on the other hand, are a bit shit, and aren’t helping themselves with injuries, bad options, dropped balls and a horrendous kicking game.  However, their “shit game / good game / shit game” season is swinging back in their favour, and they could surprise everyone.  Probably not though.

One motivation they might have is the homecoming of Toddwink P. Carney (the P stands for Pissingonpeopleatthepub – it might be a family name, or has German background; I’m not sure).  Everyone in the world would just love to have the opportunity to destroy that little squinty fucker. 

Sam Williams opts to bench press a footy instead of weights

Friday, April 20, 2012

You cin play for us eh bro?

There are no NRL games on this weekend due to the New Zealand v Australia ANZAC Test Match. Australia has controversially selected James Tamou in their side – controversial not in the way that I have never heard of him before, but controversial because he was born in New Zealand, has a New Zealand passport, New Zealand parents, knows the words to the New Zealand national anthem, speaks with a New Zealand accent, owns an All Blacks cap, calls thongs ‘jandals’ and always has to cop the accusation that he has sex with sheep.

In other words, the bloke is a New Zealander. Due to the Australian Rugby League salary sheet, representative players receive shit tins more coin for pulling on the green and gold. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to reward players for being tops, but maybe we could change the rule that says you can opt out of your nationality and switch to another one at any time you need a couple of extra pineapples in your wallet. This isn’t club football where you can be bought and traded between teams, this is your country, for fuck’s sake. It’s meant to be an honour to be selected, not a way to be able to afford to renovate your kitchen.

Jimmy Tamou, whoever the fuck you are, you’d better be good. Also, you’d better be ready to be monstered by thirteen giant New Zealand players who are pissed off that you ‘dutched your country for a paycheck bro.’


Canberra Raiders vs Themselves

Canberra Raiders’ captain and playmaker, Terry Campese, has been confirmed as having the knees of a ninety-seven year old arthritic woman who enjoys snowboarding. I have never been snowboarding, but it looks like it might hurt your knees if you did it for a long time. Tezza has officially ruled himself out for the rest of the 2012 season by snapping his ACL in half. Again. Like he did last year. And the year before. Honestly, I like Terry Campese, I really do, but I think it’s about time we either find him a new job, or put up the white screen and shoot him.

Josh Dugan is obviously a bit upset about the possibility of losing the “Most Injured Player” award for the second year in a row, so has announced his availability to play… despite the fact that his AC joint is dislocated. While it would seem somewhat foolish to most of us to play a contact sport with only one arm, his doctor has told him that “no further damage can be done.” I’m sure Duges will put that theory to the test.

A rare photo of Terry Campese without his stretcher

Friday, April 13, 2012

NRL 2012 Round 7: The Tigers Will Definitely Win

Round Seven hits us in the face like a spelled-out number, if that number was Robert Lui, and our faces were his pregnant girlfriend. As Todd Carney remains relatively crime-free for another week, we turn our attention to another serial fucknozzle in the shape of disgraced Tigers-slash-Cowboys halfback Mr Robert Lui.

For those too lazy to click the link, Robert Lui has been banned for 12 months by the North Queensland Cowboys following his indiscretion of beating up his pregnant girlfriend. Bobby Lui is a role-model for every dickhead bogan who wants to get drunk and smash the shit out of someone [three times] and get away with it. Poor ol’ Bob gets away with being dumped from the Tigers, picked up by the Cowboys and given a year off actually working. To be honest, if I was a heartless, cowardly cunt, I’d probably beat the shit out of my girlfriend so I could sink piss and work out for 12 months as well.

In more light-hearted news, the Tigers are still shit, which is just great by me. Maybe it’s because of their pre-season favouritism to take out the premiership, or maybe it’s because their entire playing roster is on the Footy Show and are more worried about what Beau Knows about bee-keeping than they are about tackling a 120-kilo bloke running straight at them, but I’m happy to see them flopping around at the bottom of the table. That said, I’m actually tipping them this week, for no other reason that I don’t like the Panthers’ uniform. Yep, I’m going there.

If you’re looking for a cheeky wager, I’d throw your $10 note on the Titans to upset Manly. I wouldn’t do it with my money of course, but that doesn’t matter, because I got a solid $12 from selling your Duran Duran CDs while you were at work. Also, I used your toothbrush. Hey, don’t blame me, I’m a Manly/Gold Coast supporter and can’t help my drug/thieving addiction.

I’m also tipping the Dragons, even though they seriously, seriously don’t deserve it. But I just really hate the Knights. Sometimes you just have to ignore form, injuries, home ground advantage, playing roster, coaches and off-field occurrences and really concentrate on how much Newcastle pisses you off.

Round Seven presents:

St George-Illawarra Dragons vs Newcastle Knights

Melbourne Storm vs Bulldogs

Sydney Roosters vs North Queensland Cowboys

Manly Sea Eagles vs Gold Coast Titans

New Zealand Warriors vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Sharks vs Parramatta Eels

Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers

Game of the Round:

Brisbane Broncos vs Canberra Raiders

You know that feeling you get when you’re just so fucking sure of something that you can’t ignore it? Like calling a friend after you’ve had a dream that they just got skull-fucked by a Yeti, or yelling random suitcase numbers at your TV while you're watching Deal or No Deal just because “17” feels right. That’s the feeling I’ve got with Canberra this weekend; that skull-fucked-by-a-Yeti-while-screaming-numbers kind of feeling. It’s a special one, all right.

The Raiders' recovery pool consists mostly of tattoo ink and snot

Friday, April 06, 2012

NRL 2012 Round 6: Our new favourite game

Sportsfans, welcome to Round 6. If you're not a sportsfan, you're probably wondering how you got here, but you're still welcome to Round 6 as well. Just not as much as everyone else. You probably know how it works, and you're probably used to being ostrasiced. You can just sit there and complain about everything like usual.

I honestly haven't been sober enough to really bother following the NRL news this week, so I'm just going to go on a hunch and say that a few players have been caught with drugs, some have been caught with prostitutes, some have been caught drink-driving, some have been caught placing dodgy bets, some have been caught urinating in public and some have been caught in the gully during a beach cricket session following a massive night at the pub.

With all of my investigative journalistic skills tapped (aka not watching the news because Neighbours is on at the same time), I will instead treat the world (aka my readers; yes, both of you) to the following game:

What did Todd do this week?

That's right, it's time to catch up with everyone's favourite dickwhacker, Mr Todd Carney.

This week, Toddles went out into the safety of the press to announce his happiness at being 'treated like a human' at the Cronulla Sharks. Since Todd is about 73% human, this does make sense; there's no use treating him like the 27% squinty-eyed-fuckwit that makes up the rest of him. This is a democracy after all... until I take power, then it's going to be some kind of republic. And no, I don't entirely know what that entails, except that I get to wear a crown and a robe, and look a lot like He-Man's dad.

Welcome to Week 6 of Toddy being in a new club. The story smacks of a similar *coughcoughIDENTICALcoughcough* interview from 2010 while he was faffing about at the Roosters and annoying everyone. Well done for not getting pissed, peeing on someone, beating them up, driving to a mobile phone shop and breaking into it at 3am for another six weeks, Todd. Here's a fucking Dally M medal.

I am giving it a good eight months before Cronulla do what NRL teams do best: get the fuck rid of Todd Carney. There's only so much waking up feeling like P-Diddy, who wakes up feeling like Ke$ha who feels like Charlie Sheen, who feels like Lindsay Lohan, who feels like Todd Carney that anyone can take.

Round 6 tips:

Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos

Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra Dragons

Newcastle Knights vs Parramatta Eels

Gold Coast Titans vs Sydney Roosters

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Melbourne Storm

Game of the Round:

Canberra Raiders vs New Zealand Warriors

Ugh. Canberra. Why do you do this to me? Why why why why why? Round 6 sees the two most unpredictable teams take battle - the mighty woo woo fuckyeah Canberra motherfucking Raiders y'all and the Warriors. Both looked absofuckinglutely afuckingtrocious last week and each team should be taken out into the back yard and shot. I will even volunteer my back yard (I don't have one, but you can totally use my kitchen). Despite the fact that each Raiders player seems to be suffering from osteoporosis and can't look sideways without snapping some kind of bone, I'm going with the Raiders on this one, for the simple reason that you have to tip someone.

I'm totally famous for correcting Mat Rogers on how to spell 'ridiculous.' My next mission is to teach him how to spell 'yeah.'