Saturday, April 28, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
In other words, the bloke is a New Zealander. Due to the Australian Rugby League salary sheet, representative players receive shit tins more coin for pulling on the green and gold. I’m not saying that it’s wrong to reward players for being tops, but maybe we could change the rule that says you can opt out of your nationality and switch to another one at any time you need a couple of extra pineapples in your wallet. This isn’t club football where you can be bought and traded between teams, this is your country, for fuck’s sake. It’s meant to be an honour to be selected, not a way to be able to afford to renovate your kitchen.
Jimmy Tamou, whoever the fuck you are, you’d better be good. Also, you’d better be ready to be monstered by thirteen giant New Zealand players who are pissed off that you ‘dutched your country for a paycheck bro.’
GAME OF THE ROUND:
Canberra Raiders vs Themselves
Canberra Raiders’ captain and playmaker, Terry Campese, has been confirmed as having the knees of a ninety-seven year old arthritic woman who enjoys snowboarding. I have never been snowboarding, but it looks like it might hurt your knees if you did it for a long time. Tezza has officially ruled himself out for the rest of the 2012 season by snapping his ACL in half. Again. Like he did last year. And the year before. Honestly, I like Terry Campese, I really do, but I think it’s about time we either find him a new job, or put up the white screen and shoot him.
Josh Dugan is obviously a bit upset about the possibility of losing the “Most Injured Player” award for the second year in a row, so has announced his availability to play… despite the fact that his AC joint is dislocated. While it would seem somewhat foolish to most of us to play a contact sport with only one arm, his doctor has told him that “no further damage can be done.” I’m sure Duges will put that theory to the test.
A rare photo of Terry Campese without his stretcher
Friday, April 13, 2012
Round Seven hits us in the face like a spelled-out number, if that number was Robert Lui, and our faces were his pregnant girlfriend. As Todd Carney remains relatively crime-free for another week, we turn our attention to another serial fucknozzle in the shape of disgraced Tigers-slash-Cowboys halfback Mr Robert Lui.
For those too lazy to click the link, Robert Lui has been banned for 12 months by the North Queensland Cowboys following his indiscretion of beating up his pregnant girlfriend. Bobby Lui is a role-model for every dickhead bogan who wants to get drunk and smash the shit out of someone [three times] and get away with it. Poor ol’ Bob gets away with being dumped from the Tigers, picked up by the Cowboys and given a year off actually working. To be honest, if I was a heartless, cowardly cunt, I’d probably beat the shit out of my girlfriend so I could sink piss and work out for 12 months as well.
In more light-hearted news, the Tigers are still shit, which is just great by me. Maybe it’s because of their pre-season favouritism to take out the premiership, or maybe it’s because their entire playing roster is on the Footy Show and are more worried about what Beau Knows about bee-keeping than they are about tackling a 120-kilo bloke running straight at them, but I’m happy to see them flopping around at the bottom of the table. That said, I’m actually tipping them this week, for no other reason that I don’t like the Panthers’ uniform. Yep, I’m going there.
If you’re looking for a cheeky wager, I’d throw your $10 note on the Titans to upset Manly. I wouldn’t do it with my money of course, but that doesn’t matter, because I got a solid $12 from selling your Duran Duran CDs while you were at work. Also, I used your toothbrush. Hey, don’t blame me, I’m a Manly/Gold Coast supporter and can’t help my drug/thieving addiction.
I’m also tipping the Dragons, even though they seriously, seriously don’t deserve it. But I just really hate the Knights. Sometimes you just have to ignore form, injuries, home ground advantage, playing roster, coaches and off-field occurrences and really concentrate on how much Newcastle pisses you off.
Round Seven presents:
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs Newcastle Knights
Melbourne Storm vs Bulldogs
Sydney Roosters vs North Queensland Cowboys
Manly Sea Eagles vs Gold Coast Titans
New Zealand Warriors vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Sharks vs Parramatta Eels
Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers
Game of the Round:
Brisbane Broncos vs Canberra Raiders
You know that feeling you get when you’re just so fucking sure of something that you can’t ignore it? Like calling a friend after you’ve had a dream that they just got skull-fucked by a Yeti, or yelling random suitcase numbers at your TV while you're watching Deal or No Deal just because “17” feels right. That’s the feeling I’ve got with Canberra this weekend; that skull-fucked-by-a-Yeti-while-screaming-numbers kind of feeling. It’s a special one, all right.
Friday, April 06, 2012
I honestly haven't been sober enough to really bother following the NRL news this week, so I'm just going to go on a hunch and say that a few players have been caught with drugs, some have been caught with prostitutes, some have been caught drink-driving, some have been caught placing dodgy bets, some have been caught urinating in public and some have been caught in the gully during a beach cricket session following a massive night at the pub.
With all of my investigative journalistic skills tapped (aka not watching the news because Neighbours is on at the same time), I will instead treat the world (aka my readers; yes, both of you) to the following game:
What did Todd do this week?
That's right, it's time to catch up with everyone's favourite dickwhacker, Mr Todd Carney.
This week, Toddles went out into the safety of the press to announce his happiness at being 'treated like a human' at the Cronulla Sharks. Since Todd is about 73% human, this does make sense; there's no use treating him like the 27% squinty-eyed-fuckwit that makes up the rest of him. This is a democracy after all... until I take power, then it's going to be some kind of republic. And no, I don't entirely know what that entails, except that I get to wear a crown and a robe, and look a lot like He-Man's dad.
Welcome to Week 6 of Toddy being in a new club. The story smacks of a similar *coughcoughIDENTICALcoughcough* interview from 2010 while he was faffing about at the Roosters and annoying everyone. Well done for not getting pissed, peeing on someone, beating them up, driving to a mobile phone shop and breaking into it at 3am for another six weeks, Todd. Here's a fucking Dally M medal.
I am giving it a good eight months before Cronulla do what NRL teams do best: get the fuck rid of Todd Carney. There's only so much waking up feeling like P-Diddy, who wakes up feeling like Ke$ha who feels like Charlie Sheen, who feels like Lindsay Lohan, who feels like Todd Carney that anyone can take.
Round 6 tips:
Wests Tigers vs Brisbane Broncos
Cronulla Sharks vs St George Illawarra Dragons
Newcastle Knights vs Parramatta Eels
Gold Coast Titans vs Sydney Roosters
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Manly Sea Eagles vs Penrith Panthers
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Melbourne Storm
Game of the Round:
Canberra Raiders vs New Zealand Warriors
Ugh. Canberra. Why do you do this to me? Why why why why why? Round 6 sees the two most unpredictable teams take battle - the mighty woo woo fuckyeah Canberra motherfucking Raiders y'all and the Warriors. Both looked absofuckinglutely afuckingtrocious last week and each team should be taken out into the back yard and shot. I will even volunteer my back yard (I don't have one, but you can totally use my kitchen). Despite the fact that each Raiders player seems to be suffering from osteoporosis and can't look sideways without snapping some kind of bone, I'm going with the Raiders on this one, for the simple reason that you have to tip someone.