Tuesday, December 25, 2012

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Twelve people to send to Jennifer Aniston’s house

Here's a new addition to the blog - a little game I like to call "Who's moving to Jennifer Aniston's house?"  It is based on the fact that Jennifer Aniston is quite possibly the most useless person on the face of the planet.  She has starred in a wildly successful sitcom, a few less successful films, and a whole bunch of doing nothing else except sitting around and taking up space in tabloid magazines for the mere fact that she is... basically... Brad Pitt's ex-wife.  Or girlfriend.  Or something.  They used to go out.

The main point is, she has done fuck all and nothing since Friends stopped being made.  No one really missed her.  Somehow though, she remains a part of the paparazzi's list of "fuckwits I need to take photos of while she drinks coffee" and "what does Jen think of Brad Pitt buying a new pair of sneakers?"  I heard that Jen just got engaged, or married or something to some guy I've never heard of who may or may not be a film producer, which is the second most useless occupation ever, next to, you know, being Jennifer Aniston.

The other cast members of Friends managed to fade away gracefully, especially Courtney Cox, who is a missed sandwich away from death as I write this.  Matt Le Blanc tried his hardest; starring as his character Joey in an ill-conceived show called Joey, then finishing his career by playing Matt Le Blanc in a show about himself trying to get another job.  That one failed too.  I can't say I'm too surprised, nor disappointed.

As perfectly fucking illustrated by Sick Boy and Renton in Trainspotting: "First you have it, then you don't, and then it's gone forever."  Then Renton shoots a pitbull in the balls with a bb gun.  

The following celebrities can all band together and become Jennifer Aniston's housemates so they can all sit around together, not bothering anyone and imagining themselves to be of any fucking use at all:
1  Demi Moore
Demi Moore is moore famous now (see what I did there) than when she was actually appearing in movies.  If your biggest claim to fame is being Bruce Willis' ex missus, then you should probably take a moment to sit back in your giant mansion bereft of food and wonder exactly what happened since you rooted Patrick Swayze in his pottery shed.

2  Michael Jackson
Yeah, he's dead, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't tits useless when he was alive.  You can't proclaim to be the King of Pop and then not release anything that wasn't even close to popular - it just doesn't make sense.  Thanks for Thriller, MJ.  It was in 1983, though.    

3  Nicole Kidman
The last good movie Nicole Kidman made was Dead Calm, and that was only because of the mutant sharks and velociraptors that may have/should have appeared in the film.  Everything else has been absolutely rat-shit unwatchable, even when she showed her boobs.  Tom Cruise's scientologist mates put a ban on their kids watching her movies due to their weird religious sci-fi beliefs.  Possibly the greatest achievement in the scientologist movement, in my opinion.

4  Prince
Little Red Corvette, 1999... that other song.  Musical superstar my arse.  Release something since 1989 and I might be interested... but probably not.  I don't care how much eyeliner you wear, you stupid little muppet.  Do something good.

5  Bert Newton
 I'm fucking sick of hearing the words "Australian TV legend" to describe this guy.  Having a hit show in the 70s doesn't make you a legend, it means you had a fucking tv show on during the 70s in Australia, when there were only 2 channels.  Chances are, if you flicked over to the other one, you'd be watching Daryl Somers.  He also spawned Matthew Newton, which takes him down another peg in my books.  To Jennifer's house with all of you, Newtons!

6  The Kardashians
The Kardashians are probably the most famous people in the world that are famous just for being famous.  They claim to be constantly "working" which is basically turning up to places and posing for a photo with a bottle of foul smelling swill with their name on it.  That's not a job.  If it was, Dr Pepper would be a millionaire.  I don't believe that man has a doctorate.

7  Lionel Ritchie
The guy danced on a ceiling once in the 80s.  Then he fucked off.  Then somehow his daughter became famous for being a slut/hanging out with sluts.  Now he's famous again.  Sing a new song, fuckbag, or I'll stab you in your perm.  

8  Victoria Beckham-Spice
Another perfume-flogging whore, who has also plonked her name onto a clothing brand in the delusion that it makes her a fashion designer.  She married some bloke who played soccer and had a bunch of ugly children.  Goes to show that the genes don't always fit.  Fuck I'm punny tonight.  I blame the Christmas egg-nog.

9  Lindsay Lohan
Once upon a time, she had a career as being an actress.  Now she's a drug-fucked alcoholic who can't keep a job.  If that was an occupation, I'd be a drug-addiction and an admitted alcohol problem away from having a decent career.

10  Angelina Jolie
Can anyone actually name the last film they saw that had Angelina Jolie as the leading actor?  No.  Didn't think so.  Looking like a hybrid of Skeletor and a Bratz doll has never been, and hopefully will never come to be, a useful occupation.
11  Danii Minogue
Having a tit-tonne more successful older sibling should not give you a free reign to pretend to be a successful entertainer.  The fact that the singing albatross has an ongoing stint on a popular Australian talent show is an abomination in itself.  She might have been famous in Japan in about 1991, but that means fuck all to me when I'm not watching Australia's X-Factored Talented Idols.  For the obligatory judge who might critique another performer for not "connecting with the audience" might want to check out her own resume once in a while. 

12 A partridge in a pear tree.
Seriously, bird - keep away from my fucking fruit.

Monday, December 24, 2012

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Eleven Rhyming Slang Words

Rhyming slang is rad; just ask anyone (don't).  According to legend, rhyming slang came about as a way for shifty folk to discuss their shifty business without people catching on to their shiftiness.  There are classic rhymes like ‘apples and pears’ for ‘stairs’ and ‘trouble and strife’ for ‘wife’ (which are reduced to ‘apples’ and ‘trouble’ respectively, just to add to the confusion) - I'm not sure why you'd really need to hide any information about stairs or your wife, but that's what separates us from the Cockneys.  Also, their accents.  And their hats. 

In this day and age of political correctness and on this very strugglesome eleventh day of Christmas, I think it's well past Update Cockney Rhyming Slang o'clock.   

1.       Michael Clarke – dark, which is then Cockneyed again (double Cockney combo) to Michael Clarke's nickname, Pup.  So now an oft-quoted phrase by our fearless cricketing captain becomes, "It’s pretty Pup in this closet!”

2.   Family stickers - Pink French knickers, because it would be a lot less embarrassing to ask for a pair of ladies undergarments (you know, if you're a guy) than buy some of those fucking Family Stickers that seem to come as a non-optional extra on all family-sized cars.

3.  Beers - Britney Spears.  I actually heard this one from some bloke on Big Brother a few years back, and thought, "Yeah, that's pretty good.  Let's hit the pub for some Britneys."  That guy didn't win, and I've never used it in person.  I'm also going to double the Cockney involved and rhyme Britney with Mike Whitney, so now you can grab yourself a six-pack of Mikes if you so choose.   
4.  Fart - Gina Rineheart.  Next time you're in a crowded elevator, crack a Gina. 

5.  I don't know - Russell Crowe.  Sometimes you just have no fucking clue to a question that someone may ask you.  Instead of sounding gormless like everyone else, respond with a confident "Russell Crowe" or "Rusty."  This won't work if the question is, "Why do chicks think Russell Crowe is attractive?” though. 

6.  Can you lend me a couple of bucks?  - Well this just fucking sucks.  For optimal effect, say it to your empty wallet when with friends.  Self explanatory, really.

7.  KFC - Mike Hussey.  Grab yourself a Colonel Burger from Mr Cricket's next time.  So called because they're both finger lickin' good, and will always give you the runs.

8.  Bike rider - Rock Spider.  They both suck, that's why.  GET OFF THE ROAD, DICKHEAD.  ALSO, stop touching me.

9.  Fridge - Ozzie Ostrich.  Your mate (not Daryl Somers) brings over for a couple of Mike Whitneys, and asks, "Where do you want em?"  Don't give a "Russell Crowe," but tell him where to put them - right in the Ozzie, next to the leftover bucket of Huss.

10.  Shirt - Ernie and Bert.  Yes, I know no one calls them Ernie and Bert, but it rhymes with shirt and I kind of want to walk into a dry-cleaner and ask how much it would be to get the Pup stains out of my Ernie.

11.  Pub - Scrubs.  I really liked the tv show Scrubs... until it went about two seasons too long and it wasn't funny or clever or anything except painful to watch.  Kind of like when you're having a great time out drinking... until you hang around for those two beers too long and you aren't funny or clever or anything except painful to watch too. 
"I'll just change my Ernie and we'll head out for a Whitney." 
"Well this just fucking sucks."
"I guess we're not doing Scrubs then.  Check the ostrich."

Saturday, December 22, 2012

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Ten People I Could Do Without

-          1 People who do Austin Powers impersonations
Actually, most people who do impersonations are fucked, unless, you know, that’s their profession, and they are incredibly successful at it.  But  I’m talking about the people who are doing Austin Powers impressions now, and still expecting everyone around them to laugh, because, you know, we’ve only had to deal with fifteen years of shithouse office impersonations of people saying, “Shagadellic, baby!” and looking around like a gormless dick for approval. 

-          2 People who hang around way too long after a conversation has ended
Everyone loves a good chat.  Nobody likes an awkward conversation.  A major difference between the two is the way they end.  You tell your story, the other bloke adds into it, you make a clever quip, he responds.  You both laugh, say, “Catch you later, tiger,” and go your separate ways, thinking, “You know, that was a great little chat.  Good times.”  The other end of the spectrum sees you tell your story, he tells one that may or may not relate to yours (yet goes twice as long), you make a joke about it, he doesn’t get it and retells the story, you nod politely, he tells another story, you laugh politely at the end and prepare to say, “Catch you later, tiger!” but he begins another story that he forgets the ending of, and stands in front of you for the next ten minutes as he tries to remember what the original point of the whole thing was before giving up and walking away, only to return about an hour later to do it all again.   

-          3 The guy at the pub who tries to talk to you
You’re standing at the bar, waiting to order your beer.  The bloke next to you leans over and says, “Busy in here tonight, isn’t it?”  You say, “Yeah!” laugh and carry on waiting.  He waits for eight seconds and then leans back in and says, “I’m used to it.  I’m really busy at work.  All the time.”  You nod and say, “Yeah.  Same,” and then get back to waiting.  He says, “I work in IT...”  You have some choices to make now – grab a glass from the nearest table and smash it over his head, smash yourself over the head, or keep nodding at the guy as he tells you about his programming skills and how his workmates are in awe of him to the point that they don’t talk to him.  Unfortunately, every time you go to get a drink that night, this guy will be there. 

-          4 Small talkers at work
You are in your workplace.  You are carrying a mug of coffee.  Some genius sees you and says, “Coffee time, eh?”  Yes, dickhead.  I am drinking coffee.  I don’t walk up to you when you’re opening the toilet door and say, “Off for a poo, eh?”     

-          5 People who start sentences with “I saw something on A Current Affair last night…”
When you hear this, run.  You will also not be able to admit to having friends who are labourers, as they are all shady and will rip you off at any stage, and you will have to hide the fact that you aren’t racist and you actually enjoy other cultures, and not just when it is confined to “their house.”  You will also be judged because you shop at Woolies, as it was ‘proven’ that Coles is better.    

-          6 Bogans
You know the ones – they have the car up on blocks in their front yard, which consists of knee-high grass while they swear at the toddlers who keep pulling down the bedsheet curtains in the living room, and will yell at you to “Fuck off” if you look at their dog again.  Looking at pit bulls that are frothing at the mouth and have an eye missing isn’t really a passion of mine, so I will accept their offer.  

-          7 Food spitters
It happens to everyone – you’re eating a sandwich, someone says, “Hey Mister Evil Breakfast, you are very good looking,” (or something of the ilk), and you say, “Thanks,” as a small chunk of bread flies out of your mouth.  The normal thing to do is cover your mouth, apologise for accidentally spitting food at them, and then apologise for being so much better looking than them to start with, and you hope it doesn’t make them feel inferior.  The thing you don’t do is continue to talk and spit food at them to the point where they have eaten more of your sandwich than you have.

-          8 Enthusiasts
Hobbies are great.  I like hobbies, and I plan to have one some day.  But I will try not to let my hobby become my personality to the point that I cannot talk about anything other than my hobby.  I don’t know why, but enthusiasts always have enthusiasm for really shit things that no one really gives a shit about.  Snow globes.  Clouds.  Cars.  Spoons.
-          9 People who went through the same thing.  But worse.
A friend of mine once described these people as, “if you told them that you had a black cat, their cat would be blacker.”  Nothing you ever do or say will be quite up to scratch as to what they have done.   Climbed Everest?  They did it faster, without food, with a backpack full of bricks while dragging a cement truck up the “bit where it goes vertical.”   
“I also did that,” you quip.  “But I had two cement trucks.”  
Without batting an eyelid, they will ask, “were they full of cement?”  
I say, “Yes.”  
They say, “So was mine, but it was full of this new cement that weighs like eight... fifteen... about thirty times the weight of normal cement.  You probably haven’t heard about it.”  
No, I haven't.  Because cement isn't my hobby. 
-          10 Bloggers who complain about things
Seriously, don’t they have other things to do?  Especially at Christmas.

Friday, December 21, 2012

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Nine Grammar Things


Yep, I’m that guy who will respond to an email or text message with a quick correction of your spelling and grammar.  I’m the guy who will interrupt your story to ask if you could please stop using split infinitives and pronounce things properly.  I have had to reinforce the asterisk key on my keyboard because I use it eighteen times as much as all of the other keys.  I have lost most of my friends.

I don’t know why it annoys me when people fuck up their grammar; it just does.  It’s like how some people are sexually attracted to feet, and other people are scared of clowns.  I am angered by misused semicolons and I turn into the Hulk (but bigger and sexier) when someone says ung-yen instead of onion.  There’s no G, retards.  Why are you pronouncing one?

The worst part about being a “Grammar Nazi," or as I like to call myself "A Dickhead," is that people will respond with an eye-roll and a “but youse knew what I meant so it doesn’t even matter, but.”  I will follow this sentence up by a swift head-butt to their face, and then I’ll staple an exclamation mark onto their bum while they’re crying on the ground. 

It’s vigilante justice, bitches. 

Want to avoid being head-butted and stapled and left to sob it out on the street?  Follow these simple rules:

  1. Floating apostrophes
If it’s plural, don’t use an apostrophe.  Rule of thumb: If you see it at Woolworths or Coles, don’t assume it is correct.  There are no “Potatoe’s for $2.99 a kilo.  There are no “Discount’s on goat’s.  There are, however, idiots working there and writing their signs. 

Other than contractions (didn’t, can’t, shouldn’t), where the apostrophe takes the place of the missing letter (write it down and see for yourself!), you should only use an apostrophe if something belongs to someone.  The potatoes in Woolies don’t belong to their $2.99 price tag.  The man’s bum was stapled.”  The bum belongs to the man.  Well, it’ll belong to me if I see you fucking around with apostrophes.

In terms of possessive plural (if you can’t keep up so far, face-plant the nearest wall and staple your own arse, please), the same rule applies, but you put your apostrophe after the pluralised noun.  Goats’ favourite food is stapled human bums.”  If it’s one goat, it would be “the goat’s favourite food is bum.”  See?  FUCKING EASY. 

  1. His vs he’s
The words sound similar, granted… if you speak like an inbred hick.  I have no idea how this trend began, but the word “his” is being run out of town by a mob of pitchfork wielding yokels.  Instead of “his bum got stapled,” we see “he’s bum got stapled.”  WRONG, DICKHEADS!  As per the apostrophe lesson, the word he’s is a contraction of he is so keep that in mind the next time you’re updating your Justin Bieber Twitter feed about “he’s face is so hot lyke a sunrise.”  You’re just embarrassing yourselves.  But you’re probably used to that.

  1. Then vs Than
When I first read “I’d prefer being stapled in the arse then get head-butted,” I must admit I was confused, as I don’t think the order of which body part gets attacked first would make a huge difference.  Then I realised that it wasn’t a timing thing, it was an either/or thing.  Then I realised that everyone is an idiot. 

Rule of thumb:  thEn is for whEn, and thAn is for… um…an option.  Fuck it, not everything has to rhyme, you know.

  1. There / Their / They’re, You’re / Your
Yep, they all sound the same.  Yep, they’re all spelt differently.  Yep, they mean completely different things.  There is a man.  They’re head-butting me.  Their staples are going into my bum.” 

It’s the same with your and you’re.  One is a contraction of you are.  The other one isn’t.  Use them both in a sentence (start by saying it out loud first, then move that conversation into your head when you’re ready – see what I did there?) and try it out.  If you come out with “You are stapler is hurting my buttock!” then you are doing it wrong, so use the other one. 

  1. The invisible but emphatic K
When people speak, they invent a new spelling of things.  I have already mentioned the mythical ung-yun, a staple vegetable in modern Australian Chinese take-away recipes.  You know what else isn’t a word?  Nothink.  Somethink.  Everythink.  You should only get away with this travesty of language if you are doing a bad impression of an evil German scientist from the 1940s.  Just quietly, that evil German scientist has a better grasp of English than you do.

  1. You vs Youse
The word you’re looking for when talking to your mate is you.  The word you’re looking for when talking to a group of your mates is you.  I don’t think it can get any more simple than that.

  1. Lose vs Loose
I just can’t fathom people writing “the Australian cricket team are loosers LOL they are the only team in the world that could have lost that game LOL they are loosers” and not realise what the fuck they have done.  They got lost right, but continue to staple themselves in the arse (and surrounding areas; I’m hitting the perineum next) by using loosers.  If the word was loosers, retard, the past tense would be loost.  I do agree with the sentiment though.  The Australian cricket team do try and lose a match at every available chance. 

  1. Ur
This one is probably more me than anything else, but it pisses me off, and to be honest, 9 grammatical errors to complain about is a lot, so excuse me for phoning in number 8.  When people write “ur” in a text message, email, comment or tweet (if you handwrite it, I will kill you.  I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU), I really don’t know how to pronounce it in my head.  "ur coming out 2nite?"  "i like ur new goat."  Is it yer or your or you are?  I don’t like it, and it’s not really saving yourself a lot of time or energy than just writing it properly.  Damn young kids and their urs and stuff.

  1. To vs Too
I have too many staples in my bum!” is what I should be reading.  But no, I’m seeing “I have to many staples and I don’t know what too do with them.  I know exactly what to do with them. 

Rule of thumb:  If you have too many things and aren’t sure which too to use, go with the one with too many Os in it.  That rule actually hurts my head a bit.  But not as much as I’m going to hurt yours if you keep fucking it up.  Ugh, I’m going to have to reinforce my forehead with steel plates and shit with all the head-butting I’m going to get done.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Eight Complainers Complaining

The internet is a wonderous thing indeed.  Without it, you wouldn't be at this website.  You'd be at a park, listening to the skinny white guy yelling abuse before someone says, "Mister Evil Breakfast, stop yelling about football and cricket.  You should yell abuse about something good."

The internet is also in a constant state of flux.  It changes all the freakin time.  Facebook updates itself nineteen times a day, and regardless of anything you post about your rights and your freedom and the second amendment or whatever the last fad of internet protective rights were all about, it is not going to make a difference.  Twitter probably changes as well, but I'm still trying to understand how it actually works and don't notice things in the background.  

Whenever something changes on the internet (which is quite literally every second of every day), it upsets people.  The slightest change seems to really piss a lot of people off.  "THIS FORUM IS DIFFERENT TO HOW IT WAS YESTERDAY!  YOU HAV JUST LOST URSELF A CUSTOMER" and "ERHMAGERD FACEBOOK HAS PUT A NEW FEATURE IN AND IT HAS RUINED MY LIFE I AM GOING TO FIND MY MYSPACE ACCOUNT SEE ME THERE EVERY1!!" 

Seriously, calm the fuck down, everyone.  Get off the internet if you're getting that worked up about your fucking Facebook wall being different.  What did people do before Twitter and Facebook and the news.com.au talkbalk forums became the bar for consistency in peoples lives?  What would people do if they had more than 140 characters to say what they wanted? Or if photos of Neil Patrick Harris’ latest meal could not be seen immediately? 

Have people always complained this much?

"There's too much colour in this TV."
"There's too much sound coming out of this radio."
"There's too many moving pictures at the movie houses."
"What's with all the film in this camera."
"There's too much denim in these jeans."
"There's too much roundness to these wheels."
"There's too much heat from this fire."
"I'm tired of all this evolution."

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Seven tv spin-offs

Following the success of the television series Sex and the City and the horrendously shitfull movies that spawned from it, a pre-series series is being made focussing on the life and times of Carrie Bradshaw as a young slut in New York trying to make her mark on the world.  You know, before she became an old slut. 

I don’t think we’ve flogged the Sex and the City horse enough just yet (couldn’t resist a horse joke about Sarah Jessica Parker).  Sure, the movies were nonsensical and lacked both humour and emotion, and the series went on for about four seasons too long, but by gosh they still made a shit tin of coin for the producers.  

Keeping in mind that quality is no longer an issue, I have sent HBO the following pilot episodes of seven new Sex and the City spin-off shows:

  1.  Rex and the City
Australian fishing icon Rex Hunt tries his luck to find love in the seafood district of Manhattan, with hilarious results.  Will he net a trophy, or will it be ‘Yibbide Yibbide, That’s all, Folks!’ for our terry-towelling clothed plaid hero?  There are definitely some fish here he will kiss and not throw back! 

  1.  Sex and the Fiddy
Rapper 50 Cent and his boyz go cruisin in Harlem for some bitches, yo, with hilarious results.  When Fiddy falls for a white chick with no ass, he is conflicted by his own rubbish music. 

  1. Sex and the Skippy
Skippy, arguably one of Australia’s greatest non-human television stars, escapes from the Bronx zoo and takes up a residence in Samantha’s penthouse apartment with hilarious results.  Skippy develops an immediate attraction with Samantha’s younger and obviously more attractive newly-introduced housemate, Sophie.  Will Samantha’s jealousy of Skippy get the better of her, or will she break Sophie’s heart by dobbing him into the authorities? 

  1. Becks and the Schnitty
Former soccer superstar David Beckham starts his search in Queens to find New Yorks’s perfect chicken schnitzel, with hilarious results.  Spoiler: he finds it at a place in Little Italy.

  1. Dex and the Settee
Perfect Match’s Dexter (kids, ask your parents) travels the Big Apple on the lookout for the perfect couch, with hilarious results.  Along the way, Dexter meets the robot from Lost in Space, Johnny Five and a couple of Daleks.  The Compatibility Rating of this crazy bunch of furniture-mad droids is a perfect ten!

  1. Skrillex and the Hippie
The Prince of Dubstep meets up with a stereotypical stoner hippie while on the observation deck at the Empire State Building and form an unlikely friendship during a re-enactment of the famous scene from King Kong, with hilarious results.  This odd couple learn a whole new world through each other’s eyes, while sleeping their way through a whole busload of sexy, eligible tourists.

  1. Tex and the Whippy
Former Cruel Sea singer Tex Perkins buys an ice-cream truck to sell sexy soft-serve cones to the beautiful ladies of New York, with hilarious results.  In the opening episode, Tex takes a wrong turn on the interstate and runs out of petrol somewhere near Texas and has a spiritual awakening.  Also, he gets scared by a coyote howl.

Do do do… doo doo do doo.  Do do dooo… Doodoo.