It has dead-set been a tremendous struggle to remain newsworthy this week for boofheads from all over the country (and a bit beyond). Let's just go through some highlights:
The refs have seemingly all decided that the players of league are receiving far too much media attention, so have banded together to compete in the "Biggest Cock-Up of the Round" awards. Notable nominations include "Let's Fuck the Cowboys... AGAIN!", "SirenGate", "Obstruction is in the Eye of the Beholder", as well as last week's effort of "Ummm... No Try?"
Benji Marshall is sick of being laughed at by pretty much everyone for being bad at rugby union. Bad at rugby union? I didn't think such a thing was possible. I guess his kicking and clapping wasn't up to scratch. So whatever "team" he was "playing" for has said, "Thanks tiger, but we've got someone who can clap way better than you, so you can just fuck off quietly." Benj has since asked pretty much every team in the NRL (and possibly the Super League) if he can come and play for them. If anyone was smart (and they're league players, so there's not a huge chance that smarts are going to play in this scenario), they would look at the Wests Tigers with Benji in 2013 (Played: heaps. Won: Dick all. Lost: Most) compared to the Wests Tigers now (Played: Seven. Won: More than last year already. Lost: Not as many as everyone thought, and are in fact in the top eight for the first time since about 2005). Stats are my life.
It's just not looking that good for the ol' Benchi Marshall. But that's probably because he's not as good as he thinks he is.
Glenn Stewart then decided that he was going to get in on some Sports pages action, and announced that he was leaving Manly at the end of the season to join Souths, citing some kind of salary cap shenanigans. Glenn's brother Brett's only comment to the media was "Rats in the gas tank. Boom boom!" from atop a water tower.
The Stewart brothers have also publicly announced that they would never play against each other if they were at rival clubs. What a couple of fuckwits, seriously.
Then Brett got caught drink-driving the night after a massive bender, and no one cared. Buddy Franklin thought he'd get in on the action and show everyone just how poorly one man can drive. Well done, Buds, but that wasn't quite enough to cement your place in the Biggest Fuckwit in Footy This Week. That award goes to Sonny Bill Williams (again), who has announced that he refuses to play in the ANZAC Test on Friday, because about five months ago, he was named in a story involving high-profile league players mixing Stillnox and Red Bull at the World Cup.
What a fucking dickwit, seriously. Whatever respect anyone had for SBW should have just gone down the shitter. Get over yourself, princess! Of course, I'm not playing in the ANZAC Test because... well... no one asked me to, but I'm not carrying on like a pork chop because I've been denied an Australian jersey 34 years in a row.
Pffft. The sooner Sonny fucks off to play union, the better.
Some tricky games this week, as the Bunnies and the Roosters struggle to find form, despite being served up some rubbish opponents. I'm hoping that the Chooks can hold off a pretty decent looking Dragons outfit, and the Storm to bounce back against the Warriors from their crushing defeat last week - it's impossible to pick what the Kiwis will do at all lately, although it's pretty clear that playing consistent football just isn't high on their list of priorities.
St George vs Sydney Roosters
Melbourne Storm vs New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Cronulla Sharks vs Penrith Panthers
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Newcastle Knights
Wests Tigers vs Gold Coast Titans
Game of the Round
Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra Raiders
Fuck it, I'm tipping the Raiders. I know it hasn't always worked for me lately, to tip the team that I think will win, but I'm reckoning that their time to shine has arrived. Especially considering that Kieran Foran is out with a dislocated hair follicle, and Glenn Stewart will be too busy "doing it for Brett" to play properly. And it's Manly. You just can't tip Manly.