Thursday, April 24, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 8: The Battle for the Front of the Back Page

What a week in all things rugby league!  As King Phil Gould would say:  WOW.

It has dead-set been a tremendous struggle to remain newsworthy this week for boofheads from all over the country (and a bit beyond).  Let's just go through some highlights:

The refs have seemingly all decided that the players of league are receiving far too much media attention, so have banded together to compete in the "Biggest Cock-Up of the Round" awards.  Notable nominations include "Let's Fuck the Cowboys... AGAIN!", "SirenGate", "Obstruction is in the Eye of the Beholder", as well as last week's effort of "Ummm... No Try?"

Benji Marshall is sick of being laughed at by pretty much everyone for being bad at rugby union.  Bad at rugby union?  I didn't think such a thing was possible.  I guess his kicking and clapping wasn't up to scratch.  So whatever "team" he was "playing" for has said, "Thanks tiger, but we've got someone who can clap way better than you, so you can just fuck off quietly."  Benj has since asked pretty much every team in the NRL (and possibly the Super League) if he can come and play for them.  If anyone was smart (and they're league players, so there's not a huge chance that smarts are going to play in this scenario), they would look at the Wests Tigers with Benji in 2013 (Played: heaps.  Won:  Dick all.  Lost:  Most) compared to the Wests Tigers now (Played: Seven.  Won:  More than last year already.  Lost:  Not as many as everyone thought, and are in fact in the top eight for the first time since about 2005).  Stats are my life.

It's just not looking that good for the ol' Benchi Marshall.  But that's probably because he's not as good as he thinks he is.

Glenn Stewart then decided that he was going to get in on some Sports pages action, and announced that he was leaving Manly at the end of the season to join Souths, citing some kind of salary cap shenanigans.  Glenn's brother Brett's only comment to the media was "Rats in the gas tank.  Boom boom!" from atop a water tower.

The Stewart brothers have also publicly announced that they would never play against each other if they were at rival clubs.  What a couple of fuckwits, seriously.

Then Brett got caught drink-driving the night after a massive bender, and no one cared.  Buddy Franklin thought he'd get in on the action and show everyone just how poorly one man can drive.  Well done, Buds, but that wasn't quite enough to cement your place in the Biggest Fuckwit in Footy This Week.  That award goes to Sonny Bill Williams (again), who has announced that he refuses to play in the ANZAC Test on Friday, because about five months ago, he was named in a story involving high-profile league players mixing Stillnox and Red Bull at the World Cup.

What a fucking dickwit, seriously.  Whatever respect anyone had for SBW should have just gone down the shitter.  Get over yourself, princess!  Of course, I'm not playing in the ANZAC Test because... well... no one asked me to, but I'm not carrying on like a pork chop because I've been denied an Australian jersey 34 years in a row.

Pffft.  The sooner Sonny fucks off to play union, the better.

Round 8

Some tricky games this week, as the Bunnies and the Roosters struggle to find form, despite being served up some rubbish opponents.  I'm hoping that the Chooks can hold off a pretty decent looking Dragons outfit, and the Storm to bounce back against the Warriors from their crushing defeat last week - it's impossible to pick what the Kiwis will do at all lately, although it's pretty clear that playing consistent football just isn't high on their list of priorities.

St George vs Sydney Roosters
Melbourne Storm vs New Zealand Warriors
Brisbane Broncos vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Cronulla Sharks vs Penrith Panthers
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Parramatta Eels
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Newcastle Knights
Wests Tigers vs Gold Coast Titans

Game of the Round

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra Raiders

Fuck it, I'm tipping the Raiders.  I know it hasn't always worked for me lately, to tip the team that I think will win, but I'm reckoning that their time to shine has arrived.  Especially considering that Kieran Foran is out with a dislocated hair follicle, and Glenn Stewart will be too busy "doing it for Brett" to play properly.  And it's Manly.  You just can't tip Manly.  

Thursday, April 17, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 7: We don’t need no stinkin’ sirens

An interesting week of waiting for the next game of footy has almost passed us by, with several questions throwing themselves up like Blake Ferguson on a Friday night. 

Questions like “what was that siren-like noise?  It sounded like a siren.”  Usually, when the siren-like noise of a siren is heard, it indicates the end of the game.  Not so much for the Melbourne vs St George game on Monday night, when it just meant “next try wins!”  Melbourne scored in the following set of tackles (good try, too) to take the points, and the NRL looked into the matter and announced that the clock on the scoreboard, the watch on the referee’s wrist, and the full-time siren aren’t actually synched up.  I’ve pressed buttons on watches before; my watch was totally synched to the time of the bell all through school.  That way, I knew to the second how much longer I had to wait to get beaten up catch the school bus home so I could masturbate practice ninjitsu.  I would even go so far as to say that I would be happy to quit my job and be the official “guy who synchronises all of the time-pieces in the NRL.”  I'd be happy to quit my job entirely, to be perfectly Francis.  

Another question raised was “how rubbish is Ben Barba?”  To which the correct response is “as shit as Justin Hodges.”  They are a massive reason why I don’t like the Broncos, and another reason as to why the Broncos aren’t going so well.  I love it when a team’s “best player” comes back from injury and they look like they’ve never even seen a football before.  I swear, Hodgey was so off his game last Friday that he almost passed the ball.  He didn’t, don’t worry, but I think it crossed his mind.  Barba, on the other hand, is proving himself to be the league’s biggest waste of money.  I’ve got a funny feeling that ol’ Benny will be “injured” or “in rehab” in a few weeks – it’s just a bit lucky that the Broncos bought seventeen other fullbacks in the off-season.  It’s a perfect time to use the under-handed sledge “I may not be the best fullback in the NRL, but at least I’m the best fullback in my team” to him.  They probably won’t, but it would be worth a go.

Enough sensible talk, let’s get into the tipping:

Round 7

How weird is it that Gold Coast are still on top of the ladder?  It makes me feel a bit dirty.  I’m tipping them to stay there after this weekend, just quietly. The Dogs and the Rabbitohs game is giving me the ummmms and aaaaaahs, just quietly.  But since it’s Easter, I’m going with the Bunnies.  There’s some logic.  The Cowboys suck massive balls right now, so there’s that taken care of.  St George will be pissed off that they lost last week in controversial circumstances, so that will inspire theme to beat the Warriors.  No one cares about the Roosters or the Sharks, so don’t even bother tipping that match (for the record, I’ve gone for the Roosters, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see a MAHOOSIVE upset there).  Everyone’s favourite “Rags to Riches” teams in the Eels and the Tigers are battling it out, and it’s only the injuries to that spastic bloke I hate and their fullback who I like but he keeps hurting himself that are making me tip the Eels. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos
Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles vs North Queensland Cowboys
St George-Illawarra Dragons vs New Zealand Warriors
Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks vs Sydney Roosters
Parramatta Eels vs Wests Tigers
Penrith Panthers vs Gold Coast Titans

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Melbourne Storm

It’s probably time for the Raiders to bring in the “flood them with field goals” game plan I suggested last week, although the Storm haven’t been looking too good lately, so they might keep it hidden for the first 20 minutes.  With a terrible track record of playing at home, and an equally bad one when playing away, the Raiders don’t seem to have a lot going their way right now.  Maybe they should sack their coach?  Everyone loves a good coach sacking.  And hey, it worked wonders for the Eels to get rid of Sticky Stuart. 

Fuck it, I want the Raiders to win.  So I’m tipping Melbourne (trust me, it works).

Todd Carney cements his spot in the "NRL's biggest twat" nominations

Friday, April 11, 2014

NRL 2014 Round 6: Shut up, Robbie Farah. And spell your name with two R's; it would make it look better

Another splendid weekend of tipping saw me double my previous week’s efforts, to score a massive 2 from 8.  That gives me 3 from 16 for the fortnight.  And yet, I feel like I’m actually on par with the rest of the world.  You’re not; you’re like 30 points off the leader.  Fair enough, I never liked golf anyway.  I don’t trust the shoes.

In league this week, Beau Ryan made a joke about Jamie Soward on the Footy Show, which Jamie responded back to about how Beau Ryan should go back to reserve grade, so Robbie Farah decided to log into Twitter and give his eighteen cents.  I would advise anyone who has been a victim of cyber-bullying and has then been made an advocate for anti-dickhead behaviour, as Robbie Farah has been, that they should probably stop abusing other people on social media.  

Come on, Robert, don’t be the third man into a fight.  That’s Sam Thaiday’s job.

In other news, the Warriors fired coach Matt Elliot, bringing the total number of teams that have dumped him before his contract expired to:  All of them.

Round 6

This MUST be the time that sanity prevails in the NRL, so I’m just going to go with the favourites and hope to fuck that they win.  Stupid dickheads in the stupid dickheaded NRL.  There’s no way to properly tip anyone right now.  You just have to shrug, pick a team, grab some beers and swear at the tv a lot.

Penrith Panthers vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Gold Coast Titans vs Brisbane Broncos
Parramatta Eels vs Sydney Roosters
Wests Tigers vs North Queensland Cowboys
New Zealand Warriors vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles vs Cronulla-Sutherland Sharks
Melbourne Storm      vs St George-Illawarra Dragons

Game of the Round

Canberra Raiders vs Newcastle Knights

Canberra are obviously in a bit of trouble at the moment, sharing the cellar with the league’s whipping boys Melbourne, Nth Queensland and Souths.  In my opinion, the Raiders’ biggest problem is their inability to score points.  They can control the ball, they can win possession, they can have great field position, but they just don’t have a fucking clue as to how to score a try. 

My solution:  kick a field goal.  Just imagine, four minutes in, the Raiders have the ball thirty metres out from the Newcastle line.  Fifth tackle, the ball comes back to Terry Campese, who calmly slots a one-pointer.  1-0 Raiders. 

Knights kick off.  The Raiders grind it down to the Newcastle forty within five tackles.  On the last, Jack Wighton knocks over a field goal.  2-0 Raiders. 

Keep this going for the entire half, and they could be 20 points up.  By this stage, the Knights will be thinking, “Well fuck.  We should start trying to get to the kicker on the fifth tackle.  We don’t want to be 21 points behind.”  So they rush up on the first receiver on the fifth tackle.  It’s at this point that the receiver passes the ball to a runner, who takes advantage of the gaps that have appeared, and they miiiiiight just be able to streak in for a try.  If that doesn’t work, fuck it, just kick a field goal on the next set.  Think of the scorecard with Canberra winning 27-6, and not crossing the try line at all.  I have a field goal boner just thinking about it.  Do you get those a lot?  More than you know.
Fuck it, at the very least, it would stop the Raiders from just booting the ball straight to the fullback on every kicking option.

The Raiders cruelly lost star recruit Wesley Snipes to a season-ending ankle injury.  His flat-top is fine.

Friday, April 04, 2014

NRL Round 5: It just doesn’t make any sense


I don't know if "Good tipping" means the same in English as it does in whatever language this is written in.

So it’s fucking nonsense on stilts time in the NRL, is it?  Fine.  I can stilt-walk with the motherfucking most nonsensical of them all.  Let’s roll, bitches.

Round 5:

Why the fuck do fucking Brisbane get so many fucking Friday fucking night games?  Those fucks.  Just once, Channel 9, I’d like to enjoy my Friday night football without some fucking dickwit from Brissy fucking it up with his brazen ugliness.  Fucking fuck.

I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the Dogs will roll the Rooters, who I still refuse to rate as a decent football team – their halves are the shittest thing ever.  Like, shitter than when you press too firmly onto your bread when you’re spreading butter, and it rips the bastard asunder, and your sandwich is fucked from then on in.  Mitch Pearce is the worst player ever, which is an achievement in itself when you think about the other people in his like Shaun Kenny-Dowell and James Maloney, who probably needs to stop thinking about the time he got caught having a wank and became a Footy Show legend, and practice kicking the fucking ball.  Stupid dickhead Roosters.  Despite all that, I’m tipping them.  My unique plan last week to tip the winners didn’t work, so I'm mixing it up this time.

Everyone else had better turn up – I’m looking at you, Souths, Melbourne and Cowboys. 

The only game of any interest is whether Cronulla can get off their duck for the season with a win over the Warriors.  If there’s a team who can pull off a complete turn-around in form in one week, it’s our cousins from over the creek.  I am so glad I’m not a Warriors fan sometimes (most times) – at least supporting the Raiders you usually know what you’re going to get from them (consistent inconsistency) which is more consistent than being so inconsistently consistent like the Warriors.  They’d better win though, or I’ll make Lote Tuquiri play for them.  I have a funny feeling the Bunnies will no longer be requiring his services.  Hanging onto him would be like being cured of the Ebola virus, then thinking, “Actually, the intolerable pain, gaping gangrenous wounds and imminent death were kind of fun.  I’d like that again please!” and then drinking a mosquito and maggot milkshake (or however you get the Ebola virus.  I don’t know, I’m not a scientician, I just like milkshakes).  

Sydney Roosters vs Canterbury Bulldogs
Brisbane Broncos vs Parramatta Eels
Cronulla Sharks vs New Zealand Warriors
St George Illawarra Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs
Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans
Wests Tigers vs Manly Sea Eagles
Nth Queensland Cowboys vs Newcastle Knights

Game of the Round

Penrith Panthers vs Canberra Raiders

I hope no one is lactose intolerant in this game, as it’s a battle of dairy: the OAK Panthers vs the Canberra Lime Milk Raiders.  I would also hope that if you were lactose intolerant, you wouldn’t chug a litre of milk before running out to spend the next 80 minutes being smashed around by thirteen dickheads on a field.  It would get messy and I doubt you’d make many friends.

The Raiders hit their straps last week by crushing heavyweights South Sydney without even breaking a sweat, while the Panthers lost to some fucking idiots.  I can’t even remember who they played, that’s how good that game was.  But they lost. 

There’s absolutely no reason why either of these teams should win – it’s one of those games where one of them is going to win by at least 30 points, and it could quite easily be either team.  If it’s not, it will probably be Penrith.  Stay in school, kids.

It's funny that Todd Carney needs to announce when he doesn't get "in no fights"