Thursday, May 24, 2018

NRL 2018 - Round 12


For one glorious moment last week, the biff was brought back as Curtis Scott did the world a favour and beat the everliving fuck out of Dylan Walker.  No one knows what Walker did or said that riled Scott so much that he would go out of his way to knowingly cop a fine and a suspension in return for breaking an eye socket, but according to pretty much everyone in the league, Walks absolutely deserved it.  You know you’re a good bloke when 300 blokes don’t know what happened, but are just happy that you copped a flogging.

Other news this week sees old man Wayne Bennett planning on joining the Centrelink line when his contract of coaching the Broncos runs out next year, seeing that no one else wants him.  Whether or not this has anything to do with Darius Boyd following him around from club to club is anyone’s guess, but it probably isn’t a huge enticement to try and get a 4,000,000 year old fossil to coach your footy team when they have a $700,000 per year tumour attached to them. 

I’m not sure who Brisbane have got lined up to take the reins when Wayne fucks off, but judging from the look of most of their players, the Hamburglar is probably a front-runner.

But all of these issues are really just there to give everyone a buffer from the real issues in the game – things like why Cooper Cronk can’t tackle, exactly how much of Aaron Woods’ DNA is made up of marshmallow, and who is NSW going to select to inexplicably lose Origin again this year?  Because let’s be honest, Queensland’s invincible players are looking pretty vincible this year based on their club form. Last week’s unofficial “battle of the hookers” between Andrew McCullough and Jake Friend was actually won by Kurt Baptiste.  There’s no goalkicker.  The halfline is untested.  The utilities are out of form.  The forwards are mongers. 

It’s actually shaping up to be a pretty even and interesting Origin period.  Thank you, Cameron Smith.

Round 12:

Brisbane Broncos vs Parramatta Eels

Poor old Parramatta.  They have made the decision to swap Corey Norman and Clint Gutherson into each other’s positions in the hope that they’ll get hit by some kind of Beatles-inspired revelation.  Unfortunately in a team looking for a Lennon-McCartney combination, they are more likely to find thirteen Ringo Starrs dribbling all over the field.  

Canberra Raiders vs Manly Sea Eagles

Last week saw “another game, another close loss” from the Raiders and “another game, another performance that has no basis in logic” from Manly.  Come on Raiders, you useless fucks.

North QLD Cowboys vs Melbourne Storm

North Queensland couldn’t buy their mums a win at the moment and managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory last round.  The Storm are definitely looking rattled this year, although they will welcome back Cameron Smith from a well-earned suspension.  It would not surprise me to see the Cows get the upset here.  I’m not tipping it though; I’m not that stupid.

Sydney Roosters vs Gold Coast Titans

The Roosters continue to unimpress this year, doing just enough to still be “a good team” but are well short of being “the best team” in the comp.  But they really don’t need to be for this game; it’s just the Titans.

NZ Warriors vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

This is a rematch from Round 1 where both teams played like pure gash – things are a smidge different now, and are both sitting pretty in the top 4.  How that happened I will never fucking know.  Rabbits to win, but this could be a cracker of a game.

Penrith Panthers vs St George Dragons

St George are doing what they do best – start the season well, look comfortable as fuck out on top, inexplicably start to lose form, collapse in a heap.  The Panthers are somehow coming second on the ladder, but this game does not really bill itself as a battle of the two best team s in the comp. 

Newcastle Knights vs Cronulla Sharks

Cronulla are playing out-and-out balls at the moment.  I have no idea how they keep managing to win; they really are not that good.  Most people have also written the Knights off until Pearce is back from injury, which means that the only reason to watch this one is to have a gander at the latest NRL wunderkind  Kalyn Ponga strut his stuff. 

Wests Tigers vs Canterbury Bulldogs

NO ONE CARES.

I never thought it would be possible to lip-read a photo.  "Fucken hit me then!"


Thursday, May 17, 2018

NRL 2018 - Round 11


What a week for Australian rugby league that will no doubt have a lasting impact all over the world.  News came through on Wednesday that shocked a nation, and will have future generations asking, “Where were you when you heard that Trent Hodkinson was moving to Manly?”

That’s right, Trent has been signed by the Sea Eagles for the rest of the 2018 season (possibly next year too, but I really don’t know or care that much), making this Hodgo’s fifth move since 2010.  This also marks the end of Jackson Hastings’ career at the Eagles, as when your club prefers a 30-year old arthritic plank over a 22-year old wunderkind, you know it’s probably time to rethink a few life choices.

Not to be outdone in the stakes of “BIGGEST NEWS IN THE NRL EVER”, Melbourne’s occasional bench forward and strange Origin representative Tim Glasby has signed with Newcastle on the three-year deal, bringing the Knights’ list of “solid forwards” to “all of them”.  Many rival clubs were quoted as saying, “Huh” upon hearing this momentous news.

Also, Cameron Smith has retired. 

It’s no coincidence that the week Smith finally gets suspended for being a dirty cheat is also the week that he take his ball and heads home in a sulk & decides to retire.  What a baby. 

Look, let’s be honest here.  The guy is a thousand years old, is built like an accountant who has a gym membership but doesn’t really use it, his recent form has not been good, he’s making uncharacteristic mistakes and his timing seems to be out.  He’s missing his old mate Cooper Cronk and is really fucking sick of Billy Slater being his new best friend, especially since he keeps using the phrase “The Big Two” when he's talking about them both, especially when it's just the two of them having a chat.  

It wouldn’t surprise if he is also carrying an injury, possibly gout.  It also wouldn’t surprise me if the Storm have been pinged for cheating the salary cap again, and he is just jumping yacht before the furore really begins. 

His parting gift to the NRL and Queensland Rugby League was his recommendation that Darius Boyd should succeed him as QLD captain for the upcoming State of Origin series, ensuring that his own legacy will seem even greater as the worst option possible gets selected. 

Round 11

Penrith Panthers vs Wests Tigers

Penrith will be welcoming back Nathan Cleary from injury this week.  Reports are in that his chin is back to full strength and his hair looks immaculate. 

Parramatta Eels vs NZ Warriors

Oh Parra, where did it all go wrong?  You guys were meant to be contenders this year.  The Warriors, on the other hand, clicked into gear early in the season and were belting all-comers.  Their recent form has been more like the Warriors of old, and Parramatta have officially nothing to lose (see last week’s game of touch footy for proof), but I still ruckon Un-Zud wull be able to beat the Ills, bro. 

Brisbane Gronkos vs Eastern Suburbs Roosters

It’s amazing what can happen to a team when there’s a month until Origin teams are named.  All of a sudden, the dead weight that is Turdesco and co manage to click into gear to earn themselves another shot at a rep jersey.  The Broncs are officially useless, with the only positive sign for them is that Jack Bird is injured and won’t be playing for them.  How he managed to hurt himself by avoiding the ball and lying down is anyone’s guess, but the way things are going, I don’t think he’ll be fulfilling his entire contract at Brisbane.

Gold Coast Titans vs Knewcastle Nights

Eh.  Go Newy.

Nth Queensland Cowboys vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

So my early predictions for the might Bunnies might have been a bit not-entirely-correct, and they are actually playing some really good footy at the moment.  You could excuse me for thinking they’d be shit; any team with an arthritic John Sutton, more than one Burgess, a fat and broken Gringlis and Adam “Weekend at Bernie’s” Reynolds deserves to be mocked and laughed until my throat is sore.  The Cowboys are either playing mind-games or have officially given up, as they have named the same fucking side that has managed to lose for the last ten rounds.


Melbourne Storm vs Manly Sea Eagles

The last time the Storm took on the Sea Eagles without Cameron Smith, they were on the wrong end of a 40-0 thrashing and Israel Folau cried.  That was a pretty good day.  It probably won’t happen again.

St George Dragons vs Canberra Faders

Did someone say KFC?

 Cronulla Sharks vs Canterbury Bulldogs

The Sharkies have been getting their wins up this year but have looked fucking awful while doing it, whereas the Bulldogs have been looking pretty fucking awful and managing to lose.  It makes sense to just ignore that this game is on at all.


Suspended for what?  His leg is basically still attached, I don't know what anyone is even complaining about.  I'd retire too

Thursday, May 10, 2018

NRL 2018 - Round 10



Sorry to everyone who’s been hanging out for my wit and wisdom over the last few weeks – I was off fighting crime in another dimension and couldn’t get to the blog.  You can just assume that everything I picked happened and all of my insights were well thought out and accurate. 

Not much has changed in the NRL since my last post – the Sharks are still underwhelming, the Roosters even more so, the Raiders are showing faint signs of life and the Broncos are still massive losers.  Not on the field, just in general.

It’s that time of the year when whispers around State of Origin teams start to get a bit louder, which is great for those of us who are shit at Chinese Whispers.  To be honest, I haven’t been involved in Chinese Whispers since I was about 6, and said the word “picnic” out loud to the class instead of whispering into Nicole Annette’s ear like I should have.   So far both Origin camps have suggested a couple of strange options, including Darius "Worst Player in the League" Boyd, and Sam "Second Worst Player in the League" Thaiday.  Both players are lucky to still have jobs for the Broncos this year, with Darius still having issues with his allergies to the ball and a morbid fear of other players, and Sam counting down the days until he can take over Beau Ryan’s spot on The Footy Show. 

To be honest, both of these guys could probably get a run and QLD would still find a way to win, seeing as NSW’s biggest conundrum is whether to pick James “Teddy” Tedesco or Tom “I’m Going to Fuck Up the Spelling of This” Trbojevic as fullback.  Both are halfway decent, which is about as much of a compliment as I will ever give either of them, but will have basically absofuckinglutely no impact on whether or not their team will win.


Round 10


Wests Tigers vs Nth Queensland Cowboys

Can we say that the Tigers’ honeymoon is officially over yet?  They produced their worst effort of the season last week as they let in 30 points, which is kind of exactly how I kind of pictured their entire year to go.  With the Cows flying high after definitely not losing last week, my tip is for this game to be fucking terrible.

Newcastle Knights vs Penrith Panthers

I reckon Newy can get up against a Penriff outfit decimated by injuries.  Did you know that the word “decimate” actually means to kill one in every ten as a punishment?  There you go.  Don’t misuse the word like I did. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Parramatta Eels

Dust off your “Who Gives A Fuck?” stamp. 

NZ Warriors vs Sydney Roosters

I just don’t rate the Roosters, and I will definitely write about why not in next week’s blog, if I remember. 

Melbourne Storm vs Gold Coast Titans

The Storm will be super pissed about losing last week and will be looking to take it out on a second-rate footy team.  Oh look, it’s the Titans.  Good luck, dickheads.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Brisbane Broncos

I would watch a TV show based on the 2018 season for Manly.  It would involve an overpaid giraffe, an unlikeable young fat lemur, Trent Barrett and a whole lot of tears. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs St George Dragons

After coming off a big win against a premiership contender last week, the Dragons might come into this game a bit relaxed, which is fine because it’s only the Rabbits. 

Canberra Fucken Raiders vs Cronulla Cheating Sharks

WOO RAIDERS GO YOU GOOD THINGS just keep sending your big guys running towards Moylan and kick everything at Edrick Lee.  That’s your game plan, stick to it, put in 110%, come away with the two points, look forward to next week and thanks to Mitre 10 and Channel 9 and it’s my gran’s birthday, so happy birthday gran. 




How to beat the Storm:  punch Cam Smith in the balls and run right past.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

NRL 2018 - Round 6


Welcome to Round 6 of the 2018 season, which will be noted in history as “the first time in 92 fucking consecutive rounds of NRL that the fucking Storm are not in the top eight.”  What a beautiful time to be alive.  Unless you play for Melbourne, I guess.

It’s also officially the week that the legs fell off the Broncos, with veteran Sam Thaiday admitting that the Horse is really just in it for shits and giggles following another disappointing “effort” against the Knights. 

 I’m all for people having fun, but you know, not when you’re actually being paid to perform a job, even one as fucking menial as “playing football to entertain a bunch of toothless spastics from Brisbane.”  This is just Thaiday basically admitting that the current Bronco’s squad are just a bunch of mates who catch up at the gym a few times a week & play a bit of slap and tickle together while demanding over $500,000 per year to do it.  At least he has the backing of captain Darius Boyd, who is also desperately trying to hold onto the dream life (understandably) and has claimed that “the team doesn’t need to change!” It might be harder to convince the paying masses who keep you elbow-deep in KFC that despite the losses, underperformance, lack of interest, increasing waist size of Milford, Bird and Thaiday, a captain whose idea of leadership is to stand at dummy-half and flap his arms at the referee for a penalty at every tackle, and a statistic that reads “try assists from Broncos halfline in 2018: 0” that the team is fine just the way it is.  Latest reports are that Jack Bird will replace Kodi Nikorima in the halfline, but this still doesn’t fix the issue that the Broncos don’t actually have a halfback in their squad.  Due to a massive mismanagement that sees Bird commanding over $1 million per year to occasionally play and receive the ball around four times a game, the Broncos don’t have the money to recruit any good players for a while. 

Enjoy the holiday while it lasts, you fat bastards.

DICKHEAD OF THE WEEK

Welcome to the Dickhead Club, Jack Wighton!  Ol’ Jacky Boy has been hit with three charges of inflicting actual bodily harm, four counts of assault and one count of urinating in public.  The story is that Canberra whipping boy Jack Wighton was taking a wee in the alley next to the Academy nightclub (which I think should just be turned into a public bathroom anyway; anyone who has been on the turps in Canberra has defos pissed or vomited in that alley), when four punters who were probably there to take a piss as well recognised Wighton and gave him some advice about catching the ball, or used words over two syllables long, so he beat them all up.  Wighton has pleaded “not guilty” to all charges under the “Batman” defence; if you can take on four guys at once, you should be given a mask and a utility belt and the police should make a light that they shine in the sky whenever they need the services of a big dumb footy player who should be playing in the centres and has questionable ball handling skills. 

Despite the drama, Canberra Coach Ricky Sticky Stuart has named Jack in the starting line-up for this weekend, even though Canberra’s best game came last week when Wighton wasn’t playing, the playing structure had to be reshaped, and there were distinctly less dickheads on the field. 

Here’s hoping for at least two more concussions this round so we can get our positions back to the way they should be.

Round 6, bitches.


Sydney Roosters vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

Holy shit, this is Latrell Mitchell up against Greg Inglis.  Channel 9’s commentary team should be sponsored by Kleenex for this game.  I’ll be surprised if Ray Warren makes it out alive, to be honest. 

Melbourne Storm vs Newcastle Knights

It’s so nice to see Melbourne struggling for a change.  I don’t think anyone would have predicted just how far they’d fall so quickly after losing Cooper Cronk.  I guess that’s what happens when your cheating old man players hang on for one season too long.  They’ll probably win but.  

St George Illawarra Dragons vs Cronulla Sharks

There are few sights in rugby league that rival watching the Sharks get beaten for pure entertainment.  Thankfully, we’ll see another one this weekend.  In a desperate bid to get a win, Cronulla are playing with their fourth variation of their spine since the start of the season.  It’s only round 6.  What a pack of dicks.

NZ Warriors vs Brisbane Broncos

Have fun, Broncos.  Please don’t ever change your team.  This week, they will show everyone how much fun they can have even when they’re getting beaten by 50.

North Queensland Cowboys vs Canterbury Bulldogs

Look, if there’s a team that can somehow get the Cowboys back into form, it’s gotta be the Bulldogs.  I am picturing Jonathan Thurston having a whole lot more time with the ball this week, seeing as it will be Aaron Woods trying to put pressure on him.  What a fucking useless bloke that guy is.  Woods, not Thurston.  And I’d say it to his face, too.  Woods, not Thursty.  Actually, I’d say it to Thursty as well, because it’s not really about him.

Canberra Motherfucking Raiders vs Parramatta Eels

The Raiders won last week in a performance that will no doubt catapult them into the finals and beyond.  It was probably the first time this year that they stepped up in defence and put in some hard effort, which they will need to provide again this week against a determined Parra outfit who are welcoming back King Clint Gutherson.  I don’t want to put too much pressure on a fullback in a struggling side playing his first game in nine months after tearing his ACL asunder, but if the Eels lose this week, it’s basically all his fault.  

Penrith Panthers vs Gold Coast Titans

Danananaaaaaa da na nanana dananananana nana dananaaaaaa.
No one cares.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Wests Tigers

It’s Manly’s week to put in a good effort again, after capitulating last round.  The Tigers must be wondering when their own rare vein of form is going to end – as we all are, to be honest.  This week is as good a week as any, I guess.


Rugby league is truly the sport of the "thinking man"

Thursday, April 05, 2018

NRL 2018 - Round 5

OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK?  Winners were losers and losers became champions and the Raiders still suck but even more importantly, the Broncos suck even more.  Not content with having the worst halfline since the 2018 Canberra Raiders side, the Broncos decided to turn their super-suckiness up to 11 by also having a forward pack made out of marshmallows and glitter, and invited their much-vaunted backline to underperform as well, with veteran Darius Boyd leading the way with his fear of tackling and being tackled.  I don't know about you, but I think that having your captain and last line of defence attempt to stop a 110kg man running towards them in the same way that my wife waves a bee away from her is a pretty fucking bad sign.  I get that Boyd is somehow the captain of Brisbane, so he is expected to play for them, but, you know, maybe he, like, shouldn’t be.

Brissy coach Wayne Bennett expressed his disappointment in the team, saying “I am expressing my disappointment in the team” at the press conference.  Wayne was so disappointed, in fact, that he made one change to the team that provided as much footy flair as a sack full of puppies, replacing winger Jonas Pearson with Corey Oates, who returns from injury.  OOOOH EVERYONE IS SCARED OF YOU NOW, HORSIES.  Please don’t bring in a dickfingered second-rower on the wing. 

It’s actually a pretty strange time in QLD right now.  When the Gold Coast is the best performing Queensland team over the Broncos, Cowboys and Storm, you know something weird is going on. 

I hate it when my Darius Boyd action figure falls over

 ROUND 5

 Canberra Raiders vs Canterbury Bulldogs

I’ve got a good feeling about the Raiders this week, and it’s different to my other good feelings about them.  Two changes for Canberra after Ricky Stuart tore them all a new arsehole after last week’s shitfight, with Austin and Papalli being dropped; Austin for having exactly one play that he repeats for 80 minutes, and Papa because he’s a big fat potato.  With the rest of the Raiders officially on notice, it’s a desperate team playing for their salaries now. 

Cronulla Sharks vs Sydney Roosters

The Sharks managed to knock off the defending premiers last week, so obviously they have decided to change the team up for this game, welcoming back the Human Ken Doll to completely fuck things up at five-eighth for them.  I think the flogging that the Roosters copped last week will spur them to a million-point victory in this one.

St George Dragons vs South Sydney Rabbitohs

You’d expect the Drags to pound the Bunnies this weekend, but for some reason they have been traditionally a bit shit against them, winning just 2 out of 11 games since 2011.  Although without Sam Burgess, who will miss a few weeks following a vicious neckbutt on his elbow, I think the Saints will go marching in this week.  Fuck I can’t believe I just said that.

Wests Tigers vs Melbourne Storm

Why are these teams playing each other again?  They met in Round 2 – I doubt Billy Slater’s socks have even finished drying by now.  The Tigers shocked the world with a win early in the season, and the Storm have been looking really ordinary so far this year, so it wouldn’t surprise me to see another upset.  It also wouldn’t surprise me to see the Storm win either. 

NZ Warriors vs Nth Qld Cowboys

The wheels have officially fallen off the ol ‘Cowboy bandwagon this year, as they are struggling to adapt to the opposition tactics of “tackle Thurston.”  Everyone is waiting for the Warriors to do what the Warriors do best and be shit again, but I’m hoping that that happens a bit down the track. 

Newcastle Knights vs Brisbane Broncos

LOL @ Broncos.  Go Knights.

Gold Coast Titans vs Manly Sea Eagles

This is a tough one to call; it’s Manly’s week to be completely terrible again, and the Titans really aren’t very good, despite their victory last round.  I’m tipping the Sea Eagles in a close one, but this game gets the official Mister Evil Breakfast I Don’t Really Know Award for the week, as well as the official Mister Evil Breakfast I Don’t Really Care Either trophy.

Parramatta Eels vs Penrith Panthers


It would be great for Parramatta to keep losing, just in case the Raiders need a buffer at the bottom of the ladder.  That’s all.  

I don't remember this commandment in the bible

Thursday, March 29, 2018

NRL 2018 - Round 4

Remember last year when NRL fans wouldn't fucking stop yelling about how there were too many teams not being penalised for being offside, for fucking around in the ruck and for dicking around in the play-the-ball?  After watching the opening three rounds this year, it has become pretty apparent that they refs have listened to the calls and are actually penalising the players for on-field indiscretions.  

Unfortunately, now it’s a deadset penaltython, and now it's the commentators, players and coaches that aren’t happy to be forced to actually abide by the rules of the game, announcing their displeasure at the referees actually upholding the laws of the sport and thereby destroying the sport of rugby league.  The stricter eye on the rules has resulted in some excruciatingly slow and disjointed games of footy, with perennial penalty-whores Melbourne, Cronulla and Brisbane so far unwilling to change their game plans to accommodate a whistle-blower who is not in the mood to fuck around.  It has also seen the refs happy to stop play for pretty much anything, including fucking up last week’s Broncos vs Tigers game by giving Brisbane 2 points they sorely didn’t deserve. 

My solution:  keep at it, lads.  Penalise those cheating fuckers until they learn. 

LAST WEEK

The Cowboys have added to their offensive play list – in addition to “give it to Thurston & hope for the best”, they now have “give it to Hess & hope for the best.”

St George have jumped out of the blocks hard and fast (again) this year, with Hunt & Widdop controlling the game and playing as if they’ve been best mates forever and their wives are friends too and they go to each other’s houses all the time and they’re planning on buying a boat together and they are the godparents of each other’s kids and they lend each other power tools and don’t get angry when it takes them an extra few weeks to return them.  It’s beautiful to see.  It would be more beautiful if it wasn’t at St George.

THIS WEEK

Manly are set to be handed a fine for massive breaches of their salary cap, as they tried to sneak Daly Cherry-Evans, the Trbojevic brothers, Martin Tapou and Todd Greenberg onto their dodgy accounts.  Manly have owned up to their mistake though, and began their penance last week by stripping themselves of a win so that the NRL wouldn’t have to do it later in the season.  I guess if you’re going to cheat, you might as well do it while everyone is distracted by the Australian cricket team.


ROUND 4


North Queensland Cowboys vs Penrith Panthers
With Penrith halfback Nathan Cleary out with what I can only imagine to be an injured chin seeing as it takes up 91% of his body, I’m tipping the Cows to get up in this one in a pretty scrappy affair. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Canterbury Bulldogs
With both teams having  registered one win more than I had expected them to all year already, this is shaping up to be a barnstormer of a match of epically ordinary proportions.  Both teams are so slow that in years from now, this game will be used to explain to blind Americans how rugby league is played.

Cronulla Sharks vs Melbourne Storm
How will the Sharks fail to live up to expectations this week?  With Princess Moylan back in the starting line up, I’d say that’s a good place to start.  Melbourne should rack up a sand-paper-free cricket score in this one.

Sydney Roosters vs NZ Warriors
The Roosters’ Salary Sombrero is starting to pay off, as their star signings are clicking well on field in what can only be a terrifying prospect for opposition teams.  I’d say they should win this one pretty comfortably, but should watch out for Blair putting some cheap hits on Keary and Cronk, and everyone else.

Manly Sea Eagles vs Canberra fucking Raiders
The Raiders have lost all three games so far and are only -5 in point differential.  That’s quite an achievement.  I mean, a better achievement would be fucking winning a game.  Stupid bastards.  I’m not tipping you as an incentive to actually do something.

St George Dragons vs Newcastle Knights
Yeah, sorry Newy fans (both of you) – I think this weekend is going to make the 2018 Knights team look like the 2016 Knights team.

Brisbane Broncos vs Gold Coast Titans
WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON the Broncos have the Sunday night game?  That’s about the most interesting part of this game, actually. 

Wests Tigers vs Parramatta Eels

The Eels will be missing Bevan French and Clint Gutherson this week through injury.  Jarryd Hayne is also not playing, but is less likely to be missed.  Here’s hoping that the Tigers continue to grind out games to keep Parra on the bottom of the ladder for just another week.


How not to play football: The final 2 minutes of Raiders vs Warriors

Thursday, March 22, 2018

NRL 2018 - Round 3

Entering Round 3 of season 2018 and we’ve already had a year’s worth of upsets and statistical anomalies.  Leading the way is the Tigers, who have managed to sneak wins in both of their games so far by scoring just one try in each match.  For those who can’t count (Dugan), that’s two tries so far, which means that we’ve had more broken jaws this year already than the Tigers have four-pointers.  For the safety of the players, let’s hope that this trend doesn’t continue; on the other hand, for the sake of the spectators, let’s keep this shit going.  Nothing brings the crowds in like a bloke sitting on the field holding his face together. 

But the Tigers have done fantastically well so far, knocking off premiership favourites the Roosters and the Storm, and while they have been far from brilliant sporting matches to witness, I think it’s fair to start overreacting in welcoming our new Wests Tigers overlords.  Statues will be erected in their honour, stadiums dedicated to the achievements of the team, and a rule that all children born in the next 9 months are to be named “Benji” to honour the prodigal five-eighth.  In fact, Benji Marshall has already started that craze, by naming his own child after himself.

MILESTONES:

Last week, Billy Slater brought up his 300th game of his NRL career.  Well done, Billy – not only are you the greatest fullback of the modern era, you have also been responsible for at least three rule changes following your scientific research into the effects of studded boots against an opposition player’s face.  It was great to see Billy reach this landmark, and even better that he did it with a loss.   

Convicted drug cheat and Cronulla captain Paul Gallen is closing in on achieving a great milestone as well, and he needs just ten more losses to hold the record of most losses in NRL history.  Injuries non-permitting, we can probably expect to see Gal achieve this at some point during this season. 

The Tigers produced the most amount of penalties in a winning game last week, giving the ref 18 moments to blow his whistle.  The last time that a team conceded more than 18 penalties in a game was Cronulla (no surprises there), who lost 74-4 against the Eels. 

LAST WEEK: 

Sharks first half completion rate: 100%
Sharks second half completion rate: 20%

THIS WEEK: 

Melbourne Storm vs North Queensland Cowboys

It’s a grand final rematch – here’s hoping that the Cowboys’s's strategy of lulling Melbourne into a false sense of security by losing a premiership by five tries just to turn around and surprise them in round 3 the following year is a stroke of genius. 

Canterbury Bulldogs vs Penrith Panthers

Canterbury?  More like CAN’T-erbury, amirite?  I’m right.

Wests Tigers vs Broncos of course

Can the Tigers continue their giant-killing ways?  Probably not, and this will just give Brisbane fans more arrogance (like they need it) to go and misspell things awkwardly on Facebook.

Canberra Raiders vs NZ Warriors

I’m just going to hide under my bed until this game is over.  Who the fuck scores 28 points per game and still can’t sneak a win?  Raiders, just in case you missed that.  Don’t you make us lose by 2 points at you.

South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles

I’d say if the Rabbits can keep this one under half the flogging that the Sea Eagles gave Parra last week, they’ll be doing well.

Parramatta Eels vs Cronulla Sharks

There’s an old adage about being wary of a team that got smashed the previous week.  In that case, this game should just be cancelled and everyone gets to do some colouring in so no one gets hurt.  Parra have named Jarryd Hayne at fullback, which will strike fear into fucking no one. 

Gold Coast Titans vs St George Dragons

Well this game gets the official “NOBODY CARES” award that is usually only handed out about sixty-seven times per year. 

Sydney Roosters vs Newcastle Knights

Some say this is a Roosters versus Knights game, but we all know that it’s really just a Cronk vs Pearce showdown, as little Mitchy will be looking to show up the club that abandoned him like a single shoe on the side of the road.  I don’t care who wins, I just want someone to break their jaw, and that someone should be Mitchell Pearce. 


Fuck it, and Cronk as well.


Anthony Milford receives his participation award on his 12th birthday