Entering Round 3 of season 2018 and we’ve already had a year’s worth of upsets and statistical anomalies. Leading the way is the Tigers, who have managed to sneak wins in both of their games so far by scoring just one try in each match. For those who can’t count (Dugan), that’s two tries so far, which means that we’ve had more broken jaws this year already than the Tigers have four-pointers. For the safety of the players, let’s hope that this trend doesn’t continue; on the other hand, for the sake of the spectators, let’s keep this shit going. Nothing brings the crowds in like a bloke sitting on the field holding his face together.
But the Tigers have done fantastically well so far, knocking off premiership favourites the Roosters and the Storm, and while they have been far from brilliant sporting matches to witness, I think it’s fair to start overreacting in welcoming our new Wests Tigers overlords. Statues will be erected in their honour, stadiums dedicated to the achievements of the team, and a rule that all children born in the next 9 months are to be named “Benji” to honour the prodigal five-eighth. In fact, Benji Marshall has already started that craze, by naming his own child after himself.
Last week, Billy Slater brought up his 300th game of his NRL career. Well done, Billy – not only are you the greatest fullback of the modern era, you have also been responsible for at least three rule changes following your scientific research into the effects of studded boots against an opposition player’s face. It was great to see Billy reach this landmark, and even better that he did it with a loss.
Convicted drug cheat and Cronulla captain Paul Gallen is closing in on achieving a great milestone as well, and he needs just ten more losses to hold the record of most losses in NRL history. Injuries non-permitting, we can probably expect to see Gal achieve this at some point during this season.
The Tigers produced the most amount of penalties in a winning game last week, giving the ref 18 moments to blow his whistle. The last time that a team conceded more than 18 penalties in a game was Cronulla (no surprises there), who lost 74-4 against the Eels.
Sharks first half completion rate: 100%
Sharks second half completion rate: 20%
Melbourne Storm vs North Queensland Cowboys
It’s a grand final rematch – here’s hoping that the Cowboys’s's strategy of lulling Melbourne into a false sense of security by losing a premiership by five tries just to turn around and surprise them in round 3 the following year is a stroke of genius.
Canterbury Bulldogs vs Penrith Panthers
Canterbury? More like CAN’T-erbury, amirite? I’m right.
Wests Tigers vs Broncos of course
Can the Tigers continue their giant-killing ways? Probably not, and this will just give Brisbane fans more arrogance (like they need it) to go and misspell things awkwardly on Facebook.
Canberra Raiders vs NZ Warriors
I’m just going to hide under my bed until this game is over. Who the fuck scores 28 points per game and still can’t sneak a win? Raiders, just in case you missed that. Don’t you make us lose by 2 points at you.
South Sydney Rabbitohs vs Manly Sea Eagles
I’d say if the Rabbits can keep this one under half the flogging that the Sea Eagles gave Parra last week, they’ll be doing well.
Parramatta Eels vs Cronulla Sharks
There’s an old adage about being wary of a team that got smashed the previous week. In that case, this game should just be cancelled and everyone gets to do some colouring in so no one gets hurt. Parra have named Jarryd Hayne at fullback, which will strike fear into fucking no one.
Gold Coast Titans vs St George Dragons
Well this game gets the official “NOBODY CARES” award that is usually only handed out about sixty-seven times per year.
Sydney Roosters vs Newcastle Knights
Some say this is a Roosters versus Knights game, but we all know that it’s really just a Cronk vs Pearce showdown, as little Mitchy will be looking to show up the club that abandoned him like a single shoe on the side of the road. I don’t care who wins, I just want someone to break their jaw, and that someone should be Mitchell Pearce.
Fuck it, and Cronk as well.
|Anthony Milford receives his participation award on his 12th birthday|