Thursday, May 18, 2017

NRL Round 11: When you'd rather have the Regular Clap than do the Viking Clap

Huh.  Another week of NRL, hey?  Yeah.  I just hope that everyone tries really hard and has a good time.  It would also be nice if no one got hurt.  Good luck to everyone; I think it would be nice if all of the games ended in a draw so every team gets points and no one leaves disappointed.  That would be really, really nice.
It has been a hard week for me. 
You'd probably have to go back to Harold Godwinson's victory over Harald Hardrada at Stamford Bridge in 1066 to find a more impressive victory by a group of knights over a group of Vikings than happened last weekend, and I’m still not over it. 
I don’t want to talk about it. 

Round 11 

Cronulla Sharks (1.50) vs North Queensland Cowboys (2.50)

Cowboys were learning how to play without Thurston, then their back-up half went and injured himself.  I don’t know how they will go with a back-up back-up half.  Probably not well.  Hopefully not well.  For the sake of my tipping, if nothing else.

New Zealand Warriors (1.48) vs St George Dragons (2.65)

I’m still trying to work out why the Warriors are such firm favourites for this game, considering how much they suck.  If you have $10 that you don’t know what to do with, throw it on the Dragons.  Or give it to me.  Actually don’t, I’ll probably just put it on the Dragons.

Brisbane Broncos (1.18) vs Wests Tigers (4.75)

Poor Tigers.  James Roberts is probably going to destroy the absolute fuck out of their left-edge defence.  I would, if I was James Roberts.  I'd do a lot of things if I was him, to be honest, and very few of them would be related to cocaine.

Gold Coast Titans (1.60) vs Manly Sea Eagles (2.35)

I don’t trust either of these teams.  I am tipping the Manly Sea Eagles because I’m a freakin idiot, even though one of their best players died last weekend.  Well, he didn’t die, just his career.  Also, not his career, his knee.  And it didn’t die, it’s just destroyed.  Well, not destroyed, it’s just fucked for the season.  But only for the next four weeks or so. 

Parramatta Eels (2.34) vs Canberra Raiders (1.61)

Go Raiders.  I guess.  Woo.
If I was them, I’d run at Mitchell Moses, because he’s way smaller than everyone else and doesn’t know how to tackle.  I’d avoid the big blokes in the middle though.  Rugby league – it’s a thinking game. 

Newcastle Knights (3.70) vs Penrith Panthers (1.28)

Can the Knights go back-to-back and win two in a row?  Probably not.  But it’s nice to think about. 

Canterbury Bulldogs (2.65) vs Eastern Suburb Roosters (1.48)

I feel like this game was already played last week, but it was just the Dogs getting fucked on by a better team and the Roosters giving a bit of stick to a shit team. 

South Sydney Rabbitohs (3.05) vs Melbourne Storm (1.38)


Yeah I reckon the Melbournes will win this one.  They gurgled their way to a loss last weekend by forgetting how to defend, which was interesting.  Souths played like it was 2014 again, but it was only against the Tigers, so let’s not get too carried away with anything.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

NRL 2017 Round 10: Sex, drugs & NRL

Remember at school when you went on camp and you could get away with a bit more stuff like swearing and fighting, and even though you were still with your classmates and your teacher was there and he kept telling you that you were representing the school so you couldn’t carve your initials and the “Superman S onto every tree you saw and you still had to call him “Mr Dingle” and you knew that you’d have to do some kind of assignment about what you learned at camp, it didn’t really feel like school?  That’s kind of what has happened to the NRL this week.  Players, juniors, officials, everyone’s got white line fever. 

In case you’ve been too stoned lately, just about everyone involved in rugby league and their mums (well, five people) were pinged for cocaine use or possession over one weekend, resulting in bans, suspensions, investigations, finger-pointing and a whole lot of argy-bargey for good measure. 

First of all was old mate Shaun Kenny Dowall, who took some time out of being shit at footy to get caught with some blow in a Sydney nightclub.

He has subsequently been dropped by the Roosters and will await further action by the NRL.  He responded by saying, “I don’t do drugs.”  I also do not do drugs, but the difference between me and SKD is that I don’t carry them around either. 

It’s not great news for Kenny-Dowall, who has been struggling with his form this year, and is coming off contract at the end of the season.  There is a bright side to the story though, as it gives dickheads like me plenty of opportunity to take the piss and use phrases like “first time he’s kept possession of anything” and “they tried to lay other charges on him, but were dropped” and of course “he was intercepted by police,” which just gives me an excuse to show this clip of one of the worst NRL plays in the history of ever However, it still might work out well for SKD, as getting arrested is probably his best chance of being re-signed by an NRL team for next season.  We do love a redemption story. 

A day or so after Shaun decided to ruin his career, Kevin Proctor and Jesse Bromwich from the New Zealand international team decided to get loose after losing a Test match, and hit up a bloke outside Cube nightclub for cocaine.  According to CCTV, the pair snorted some powder off a bloke’s mobile phone in the street, and both players claim that this kind of behaviour is very much out of character.  It sure does reek of a nervous first-time drug user; approaching a stranger on the street at 5am and asking “hey mate, do you have any coke?” and then sharing a few lines off his mobile fucking phone.   At the very least, it's the best promotion that Cube has had for a while.

Very out of character indeed.  Proctor even went so far as to say that the image on the CCTV wasn’t him.  If you are ever asked to identify Kevin Proctor, you have exactly three options out of 7 billion people on earth:  Kevin Proctor, Sideshow Bob and Grug. 
Wasn't me
So everyone in the NRL cracked the shits about who was to blame for all of these rich adult men buying drugs when they were specifically told “do not buy drugs guys seriously” and instead they were strangely vilified by people arguing that they could just as easily have snorted the lines off a toilet cistern like everybody else, but instead they did it in a public street where they were caught, and they had the good sense to snort the coke straight away instead of buying a baggie and tacking it away because on a technicality they never maintained possession of the ball before grounding it in the in goal area, we have a decision and going to the board.

Obviously everyone is free to use cocaine if they have the money and the desire, but like everyone else, should understand that it is currently a Class A illegal drug, and being caught with it or using it will bring about some hefty penalties, including possibly losing your career - and for NRL players, that particular career kind of stipulates "do not use drugs please."  If my workplace said “hey Mister Evil Breakfast you can’t wear black socks any more” I’d be all like “oh man I just bought some new black socks but I guess I can get some other ones are grey socks ok?” and they said “yeah grey is cool oh and by the way your pants are nice too you look pretty good are you working out?” and I’d say “oh thanks I haven’t been doing much differently but I am drinking more water maybe that’s it?”  and the bottom line is that if your career (especially a lucrative and short-lived career) depends on not doing something, maybe then don’t fucking do it.  Just saying.

Round 10


Canterbury Bulldogs (1.60) vs North Queensland Cowboys (2.40)

I can’t trust the Cowboys without Johnathan Thurston, who injured himself in last week’s Test.  Because of the star power of JT, the Cowboys released a statement on his injury, which was a pretty long-winded way to go about saying “No comment.”
 The Bulldogs played just barely well enough in their last game to grind out an ugly win against Canberra, and I’m only just tipping them to go again this week.

St George Illawarra Dragons (3.05) vs Cronulla Sharks (1.40)

The Dragons are without a couple of key players through injury, and in a weekend of drunken drug-fuelled debauchery in the NRL, I bet Josh Dugan's idea of spending a few days on ice turned out a lot differently than he had planned, after breaking his jaw in the Test match on Friday.  The Sharks are only missing one of their board members (also done for cocaine possession).  I doubt this will affect them too much on-field, to be honest (unless he was supplying everyone else with it, which isn’t really beyond the scope of possibility).  Sharkies (reluctantly) to run away with this one.

Wests Tigers (2.05) vs South Sydney Rabbitohs (1.82)

Ummmm.  I don’t really know.  I think I’ll go the Rabbits, because the Tigers have a habit of being fucking horrendously bad in the second half.  If Souths can stay within 20 at the break, they’ll have a fighting chance.

Penrith Panthers (1.77) vs New Zealand Warriors (2.10)

Both of these teams are rubbish and I don’t care. 

Melbourne Storm (1.38) vs Gold Coast Titans (3.18)

Eh.  Melbourne, probably.  I bet the party after this game will be a bit more subdued than anyone was planning.  Getting Bromwich, Proctor and a whole lot of charlie in the same place at the same time could have been interesting. 

Manly Sea Eagles (2.35) vs Brisbane Broncos (1.63)

I’m tipping Broncos but I’m really not that confident.  I think with Hunt and Roberts and probably someone else that I can’t think of right now out of their side, Brissy might struggle against a Manly side that’s lifting in confidence – and more importantly – skill.

Newcastle Knights (4.70) vs Canberra Raiders (1.21)

If the Raiders don’t win, I’m going to punch someone in the face.  Possibly myself.  Canberra really need to continue beating bottom-eight sides if they are going to continue to pretend that they’re good.  In other news, they signed a bloke named Masivesi Dakuwaqa during the week.  I hope it’s just to piss off Ray Warren and Ray Hadley. 

Sydney Roosters (1.50) vs Parramatta Eels (2.60)

Another game that would have been good if SKD and Corey Norman could have got together to really crack out the coke and pills combination for their team-mates.  It would definitely produce some interesting football, which would be a definite improvement for both teams.  

Friday, May 05, 2017

NRL 2017: Representative Round. More like Reprehensible, amirite?

Welcome to Representative Round in the NRL, probably my favourite round after ANZAC Round, Women in League Round, Heritage Round, Rivalry Round, Marvel Superhero Round, Indigenous Round, White Ribbon Round, Pink Ribbon Round, and Like A Record Baby Right Round Round Round.

I always thought that representing Australia in sport would pretty much be the highest accolade you could achieve. You are one of the best players of this game in the entire country. There are 24 million people in Australia that are not as good as you. That’s pretty sweet.

And then there’s the Australian rugby league team, which seems to be picked based on the jersey sizes that they have available, a raffle, or some kind of Hunger Games style “I volunteer as tribute” lottery. There’s no other reason why Trent Merrin would be a part of this team if it was based on skill or fitness. Or good looks. Actually, let’s go through the whole team so I can piss on everyone:

Australian team:


1. Darius Boyd

Darius isn’t in the greatest form of his life, but at least he’s not Billy Slater.

2. Blake Ferguson

Is guaranteed to get injured about 50 minutes into the game.

3. Josh Dugan

Is not a centre.

4. Will Chambers

Is not even one of the four best centres at his club.

5. Valentine Holmes

Doesn’t play wing for his club either.

6. Johnathan Thurston
Is injured.

7. Cooper Cronk

In his mind he has already retired.

8. Andrew Fifita

Was only named because literally everyone else in the world is injured.
Also announced that he was playing for Tonga and was named in their side, but has happily and easily given them the brush off to play for Australia. Good bloke all round. Fits into this squad pretty well.

9. Cameron Smith

Fuck it, who else are you going to pick?

10. David Klemmer

I wonder when Klemmer’s shallow grave collection is going to be discovered?

11. Boyd Cordner

Probably the only good selection in the team so far.

12. Matt Gillett

Yeah, I guess.

13. Trent Merrin

Go fuck yourself.

Interchange Bench:


14. Michael Morgan

No mate.

15. Tyson Frizell

Yeah good call.

16. Jake Trbojevic

Why is the bench better than the starting team?

17. Sam Thaiday

Sack Mal.




Look, if we’re not going to take this shit seriously, let’s just not even have Test matches.

I think New Zealand would agree.

I'm not saying that this guy has definitely killed and eaten someone, but I bet he has.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

NRL 2017 Round 9: Well last week was bullshit

Is it just me, or does it feel like there’s football on every day at the moment?  God bless those ANZACs; I’m sure they had a five-day weekend of rugby league glory in mind when they signed up. 

The less said about the results, the better.  Brisbane were given their usual benefit of the doubt from the umpires to ensure that they make the finals despite, you know, not being, you know, good at footy.  Cronulla didn’t turn up against a Titans team that did, the Raiders fucking fuck fuck fucked fucking fuckhole fuckwit fuckshit fucked, and even the Cowboys limped home against the Knights. 

Off-field, the bullshit continues as clubs swap players around like Pokemon pogs.  The latest is Josh Reynolds from the Bulldogs, who has been pimped over to the Tigers for next year, after Canterbury signed Keiran Foran from the Warriors after he left Parramatta who he left Manly to play for.  I’m just not sure if the Bulldogs is really where a bloke who has struggled with mental illness and depression needs to be.  He would have been pushing people out of the way to get to the Harbour Bridge first after last week’s game. 

Josh Reynolds is a fucking horrible human being – he is a grub, a cheat, and the dirtiest player in the league.  How the Dogs could ever contemplate losing a player who epitomises everything about their club is beyond me. 

The NRL’s stance on mid-season trades and announcements is a massive bag of balls, honestly.  Why would supporters keep turning up to watch a team play who might all be at different clubs as early as the next game?  I understand that clubs want to win, and buying players is a great way to get a bit closer to that dream, but there’s a difference between the performance that you would get out of a two-year stint from a mercenary player and a bloke who would (and probably has) murdered people for the sake of his team.

Find me another player who would do this in front of the ref, 17 guys who are all way bigger than him and 20,000 idiots five beers in

Round 9

 Broncos (1.42) vs Panthers (2.90)
Normally this would be pretty cut and dry – the Broncos are winning (just) and the Panthers are losing (by heaps).  But if the last few weeks have taught us nothing, it’s bet your house on the shit team.  I’m not, but don’t let that stop you.  The battle of the fat fucks in Milford vs Merrin for the laziest prick in the league will have me wheezing for breath between handfuls of Cheetos. 

Rabbits (2.12) vs Manly (1.75)

I just have no idea.  Can these two fucking idiot teams put together two decent performances in two consecutive weeks?  Probably not.

Cowboys (1.54) vs Parramatta (2.55)

Because you have to tip someone, right?

Titans (1.22) vs Knights (4.45)

INTERESTING STAT OF THE DAY: The Titans are the third best attacking team in the NRL. How often do you see that from a team coming 15th?  NOT VERY. 

Bulldogs (2.75) vs Raiders (1.48)

WOO RAIDERS DON’T LET LAST WEEK’S SPEEDBUMP SLOW YOU DOWN WOO ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD SLOW DOWN FOR SPEEDBUMPS NORMALLY WOOO OR YOU’LL DO SOME DAMAGE TO YOUR SUSPENSION OR UNDERCARRIAGE WOOO DRIVE SAFELY EVERYONE WOOO

Tigers (2.65) vs Sharks (1.50)

The Sharks will have to be pretty pissed off at losing to the Titans that they’ll take all of their drunken bogan aggression out on the Tigers.  This could be Ivan Cleary’s first massive loss as coach. 

Warriors (2.12) vs Roosters (1.75)

Nobody cares. 

Dragons (2.75) vs Storm (1.48)

In a beautiful moment in league history, both teams will be heading onto the field without playing anyone at five-eighth.  St George haven’t named anyone in the #6 jersey, and to keep things fair, Melbourne will put Cooper Cronk into that position.  That guy has been all kind of shithouse ever since he announced his retirement.  What a dick.


What I said last week vs what actually happened

FUCKING EVERYTHING


Friday, April 21, 2017

NRL 2017 Round 8: The Tigers are the fucking worst

Another tumultuous week for the formerly proud club of the Wests Tigers has come to an end, and we can finally put to bed the speculation about one of the game’s worst halfbacks – he will be staying at one of the game’s worst clubs until 2020.  Luke Brooks, you are a champion. 
It hasn't quite worked out like that for other members of the team though.  The current Tigers captain and residing member of Wests “Big 4”, Aaron Woods, has decided to jump ship to Canterbury, a place where all fat front-rowers go to die.  How ol’ Stoner Slothypants will fit in with (or push out) resident fucken psychos like James “Mad Cow” Graham and David “I prefer my victims raw” Klemmer is a whole other issue that will provide entertainment of its own.  I don't think much of Woods at the best of times, but this is on a whole other level of shitness.  What kind of club captain signs with another fucking team mid-season?  
To top off an eventful few days, Mitch Moses inked a deal with Parramatta and James Tedesco agreed to head Bondi-side to join the Roosters, leaving the Tigers’ so-called “Big 4” as “Luke Brooks”, making the world’s smallest man the jewel in the crown of the mighty Wests Tigers.    
 
Luke Brooks received a Participation Award at training last week
Fucking hell, Tigers.  Why are you so fucking shit?

Other movements in the NRL have seen Cronulla up-and-comer Jack Bird sign with Brisbane for the next four million dollars years or so, under the proviso that he’ll play five-eighth; a position that he played for two games in an ill-informed social experiment and was found to be “less than tits useless”.  Congrats to everyone involved in that decision.  If Bird does indeed wear the number 6 at Brisbane, he should combine nicely alongside Kodi Nikorima in the halves once Milford beefs up to prop over the next 10-12 months.

Round 8 or something

Canberra (1.23) vs Manly (4.00)

WOOOO CANBERRA BANG BANG GREEN MACHINE WOO MANLY ARE SHIT EVEN THOUGH THEY ALMOST WON LAST WEEK BY ACCIDENT WOOO ALL ABOARD THE LEIPANA BANDWAGON WOO MANLY MORE LIKE WOMANLY BUT NOT IN A SEXIST WAY AMIRITE?  WOO.
Woo indeed.

Souths (3.55) vs Brisbane (1.32)

Holy shit Brissy were lucky to get away with a win from last week’s game – they can thank the dickfingers of 90% of the Titans team, and the sheer beastness that is James Roberts.  Is it just me, or does he always look like he can smell dog shit?  Souths are really looking a bit ordinary at the moment, and I’d love to say that things are going to change, but things are not going to change. 

Parramatta (2.25) vs Penrith (1.67)

The Panthers have been fucking woeful lately, and I really don’t know why I’m tipping them.  Am I drunk?  Not yet.  But I will be.

Cowboys (1.32) vs Newcastle (3.55)

Oh man the Cows are shitful without Jonathan Thurston.  Like, really shitful.  Like a bag full of shit shitful.  I would love for these premiership “contenders” to lose to both the Tigers and the Knights to shut the rabble from Queensland up for a few minutes.  I think the Cows will get home, but I’m hoping that Newy give them a royal fucking along the way.

Cronulla (1.27) vs Gold Coast (4.00)

The Titans would have had their beautiful little can-do hearts broken by last week’s loss, but they proved that they have the determination to match it with anyone on their day. Unfortunately for them, Jarryd Hayne has been named in their side after his six-week injury lay-off, and the only way I can see them winning this game is if they can take their star player out in the first 10 minutes.

Wests Tigers (2.67) vs Canterbury (1.50)

Fuck it, who cares?  The best part of watching a Tigers game is to see how far they can get in front before they inevitably fall apart.  Why would the Tiges ruin a perfect week?

Roosters (1.67) vs St George (2.20)

Seriously, the Dragons are STILL on top of the ladder?  This is crazy.  For some reason they are also outsiders to win this match, despite the Roosters being a bit rubbish.  And by “a bit”, I mean “a lot.”  I have no idea why I was trying to be nice to them.  Dickheads.

Melbourne (1.30) vs Warriors (3.70)

I’m just going to change the match-up of this one to be “Warriors vs Themselves”.  This game interests me about as much as watching golf.  I mean, I’ll probably still watch it, but I definitely won’t enjoy myself. 

LEGEND OF LEAGUE:  Bobby Lulham

Since this has been a week/year of turmoil for the Tigers, I thought I would share a story (mainly true) about a legend of the club.
Rugby league has been around for a hundred years, and has attracted its fair share of controversies that wouldn’t look out of place on the next shithouse series of Underbelly. Except for one that wouldn’t look out of place in Home and Away; one man’s story that involves adultery, attempted murder, depression, attempted suicide, divorce, the end of a sportsman’s career and a forbidden love.  A story fit for the pages of Mills & Boon, played out like an Ed Sheerhan video, and snapped up quicker than a 50 Shades sequel. 

Bobby Lulham was born in Newcastle in 1926 and started playing rugby league as soon as he could. He moved to Sydney to play for Balmain in 1947, immediately impressing on the wing and becoming the top try-scorer in his debut season, notching up an impressive 28 meat pies.  Incidentally, this is still a Balmain club record for most tries in a season.
Walt fucking Disney couldn’t write  this better, as he went on to represent New South Wales in all four games, as well as kicking the pants out of Canterbury in a grand final victory.  Not bad for a first year, so why not just keep being better at sport and play for your country in your second season?  Bob even crossed the stripe in his first game as an Australian rep to prove how fucking easy it is to be an athlete. 
Everything was coming up Milhouse for Lulham as he was catapulted towards superstardom and untold shillings and girls wearing polka dot dresses.  Until the 1953 season.
It started alright for our hero, who was in good form and Balmain were winning more than they were losing.  One fateful day in July, the Tigers went down to their archrivals Canterbury, and Lulham was singled out for having “a shit game”.  He told his coach, “Tally ho and pip-pip, eh sport?” which was the equivalent of a current player saying, “Yeah nah.”  Fuck it, everyone has an off-day.
So Bob did the responsible thing and called his doctor to find out what was going on; how did his magical rugby league powers get taken away?  The doctor came to the conclusion that Lulham had a stomach ulcer.
And this is where the story gets interesting (and would be a good time for a cliff-hanger for next week’s episode).
Two days after the loss to Canterbury and with Lulham bedridden, the NSWRL doctor received an anonymous phone call from a woman, who claimed her husband had put poison in Lulham’s beer before the game against Canterbury.  Wait – BEFORE he played?  What a time to be alive.  The doctor reported this poisoning to the police and Lulham went to hospital as his condition continued to deteriorate.  Fuck it, I’d probably drink a poisoned beer too (and continue to drink it after knowing that it was poison) because beer is great.
In true CSI fashion, they did a semen analysis of Lulham (probably not) and found that he’d been slipped thallium, commonly found in rat poison, and unlikely to be a secret ingredient on MasterChef any time soon.  Lulham posted this information on Instagram (also unlikely) and the rugby league world went into a frenzy.  Was he poisoned, or did he try to poison himself? 
After a pretty short investigation, it was revealed by Detective Steve Bastoni (played by Gary Sweet) that Lulham’s mother-in-law, Victoria, had poisoned him.  A few years back, Veronica and her husband split up, and Lulham and his missus did the right and noble thing by letting her crash at their place. 
And this is where the story takes another interesting turn, and would be another poignant place to put a “next week on Tiger Town” promotion.  It’s also about at this point where you realise, “Hey, this isn’t even about rugby league anymore.”
As happens in pornography, Bob Lulham and his mother-in-law involved themselves in a sexual relationship.  I’ll let your imaginations run with that for a while. 
As doesn’t happen in pornography, the guilt Veronica was feeling about deceiving her daughter had got her very depressed and she felt she had to do something before she ruined her daughter’s marriage.  She probably could have had these feelings before she was doing reverse-cowgirl while wearing stilettos on the couch… for example.   
In any case, she grabbed a few brewskis and sat down with Bob to watch Gogglebox, intending to drink the poison herself, rather than put her family through some weird shit.  Unfortunately, the drinks became mixed up (probably while he had her bent over the coffee table in a position that didn’t look comfortable for either of them, even though they were both moaning enthusiastically… for example) and Bobby consumed the poisoned beverage.
A month later, Lulham came clean about his torrid affair, and Veronica came clean about poisoning him.  She did the honest thing and tried the thallium treatment once again and was admitted to hospital. 
As happens in pornography, Lulham sidled back up to his wife, but as happens in life, she filed for divorce.  Lulham never played first grade football again – some say that his heart had been taken, others say that it was because he was fucking poisoned. 
Lulham passed away in 1980.  But not from thallium poisoning though.


Damn right you'd tap this

Bobby Lulham career statistics
Balmain (1947-53) Played 85, 85 Tries, 85 Goals, 345 Points
New South Wales (1947-49) Pl 9, 8T, 24 Pts
Australia – Tests (1948-49) Pl 3, 1T, 3 Pts
Australia – Tour Matches (1948-49) Pl 15, 11T, 33 Pts
TOTAL (1947-53) Pl 112, 105 Tries, 45 Goals, 405 Pts 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

NRL 2017 Round 7: Big Four

The back pages are still full of stories about what is going on at the Tigers’ club; which teams the current players are talking to, what the old players reckon about that, who the Tigers are looking to recruit next year, what coach Ivan Cleary had for dinner and where Aaron Woods’ dealer lives. 
Can you imagine what the stories would be like if the team was actually any good?
To give some credit to the struggling Tigers though, they came through for their new coach last weekend and notched up a rare win to bump them momentarily off the bottom of the ladder.  Well done, Wests; you are officially better than Newcastle.  Your mums must be so proud.  Speaking of the Knights, they are trying to keep their own "Big Four" of Ken Sio, Jack Stockwell, Brendan Elliot and Mitchell Barnett together.  With any luck, these champions can boost them into 15th on the ladder in 2018.        

Round 7


Canterbury (1.83) vs Souths (1.98)

I’m not going to lie, this game doesn’t sound too great on paper, and will probably be even less great on the field.  Some of the choices that the Dogs have made in terms of selections are absolute fucking pants.  Word on the street is that they are looking to sign Tigers’ fullback James Tedesco – they should put that money towards a good hitman to take care of their Big One, Moses Mbye before they do anything.    

Newcastle (3.82) vs Roosters (1.27)
Last week was a performance straight out of the vintage 2009 Roosters team.  For some reason their Big Two, Shaun Kenny-Dowell and Aiden Guerra were determined to try to end their careers in one half of football.  It was at once frightening and entertaining, like a French clown.  Even worse is that they’ve picked them again this week, and dropped their Big One, Latrell Mitchell.  I can’t even.  Like, literally, I can’t even, you know what I mean?  Although coming up against a shocking defensive left edge for the Knights, the Chooks' Big Thirteen will probably grab a couple of tries.  What a shit game this is.  

Brisbane (1.20) vs Gold Coast (4.80)
In good news for the Gold Coast, 90% of their injured players are back this week, which only leaves 17 regular first-graders still in the casualty ward.  HOORAY.  I think my favourite part of the Titans is that their Big Two are cousins named Tyronne Roberts and Tyronne Roberts-Davis.  I guess they ran out of names in Queensland and had to start recycling.  Captain Planet would be proud, and also named Tyronne. 

Manly (2.40) vs Melbourne (1.60)
Manly certainly did screw the pooch last week, although it was good to see their Big Only Daly Cherry-Evans deeming it a bit beneath him and his mountainous paycheck to act as dummy-half for one tackle, then spending the rest of the game crying about it.  On the other side of the coin, one-third of Melbourne's Big Three Cameron Smith is still trying to finish a tackle on Paul Gallen from Sunday’s game.

Canberra (1.38) vs Warriors (3.20)
WOOP WOOP RAIDERS WOOOOO GO YOU GOOD THINGS WOO WOO ALTHOUGH IT’S ABOUT THE RIGHT TIME FOR THE WARRIORS TO PLAY WELL FOR FOUR WEEKS WOOP WOOOO TO GIVE THEIR FANS A BRIEF GLIMMER OF HOPE WOOOOO BEFORE FALLING BEFORE FINALS AGAIN WOOOO BIG RAIDERS WOO

St George (1.38) vs North Queensland (3.10)
I cannot fucking believe that the Dragons are sitting pretty on top of the ladder after six fucking rounds.  It blows my mind.  The Cowboys played like balls last week and are without Jonathan Thurston for the next few games as he recovers from a gunshot to his calf.  Forensics identified the bullet as being fired from the top of bay 16, and CCTV showed an Anthony Milford lookalike waddling through the carpark following the incident and police are keen to speak to witnesses.  We’ve seen what happens when the Cowboys try to play without one of their Big JT's before, and it’s not pretty.  It’s like watching a drunk guy at a festival try to put his thong backonIf you’re a keen punter or have a spare $10, throw it on the Cowboys.  Funnier things have happened.

Penrith (1.68) vs Cronulla (2.19)
The Panthers welcome back their Big Three from their hangover, including Matt Moylan who can now get back to doing what he’s best at:  not being tackled, not tackling, and looking like a twelve-year old girl.  I’m not sure why the Sharks are starting as rank outsiders for this match, considering that the Panthers suck.

Parramatta (1.65) vs Tigers (2.25)
Nobody cares. 

What I Said vs What Actually Happened


Will Anthony Milford get KFC or McDonalds?  It’s amazing what happens when there’s a Happy Meal on the cards.  
The scoreboard attendant will be the busiest bloke in Australia on Saturday night (Cowboys vs Tigers).  Except for Ivan Cleary’s right hand.  In one week, the guy rescued the Tigers, fucked the Cowboys and tore the shit out of QLD State of Origin.      
Mitch Moses has a girls bike with a basket on the front that has flowers on it.  The jury is still out on this one.
I’m thinking that Souths might just limp over the line.  FUCK YES.  

Image result for nrl raiders
"Should we find a model to advertise our onesie?"
"Fuck no, just Photoshop a fat bloke's head onto a much smaller body.  It will look slimming."

Thursday, April 06, 2017

NRL 2017 Round 6: McMilford with cheese

What a week.  They say that no man is bigger than the game, but I think this week has proved that is not the case.  All eyes are on one player who has a huge decision in front of him, and the eyes of the NRL are on him as he weighs up his options.
Will Anthony Milford get KFC or McDonalds?
I don’t know why Milford is pissing me off so much, but that fat little wombat is like the NRL’s own Kardashian – he turns up, does nothing, gets paid a ton, marries Kanye West, demands more money, gets more money, continues to do nothing and keeps collecting his paycheck.  Without a doubt, he is the weakest player in the Brisbane roster at the moment, afraid to take a tackle, unable to make a tackle, throws horrible passes, kicks like a drunken, retarded emu, and has the ball-handling skills of a lesbian.  The fact that he got beaten to the ball by Sam fucking Thaiday to score the Broncos' try last week speaks volumes.  Lucky for Milf that his halves partner, Ben Hunt, is in some 2015 form and carrying the playmaking role for the both of them.  Unlucky for Milf is that Hunt is leaving at the end of the year to join the Dragons.  Lucky for Milf is that Brisbane are throwing untold amounts of money, houses, boats, cocaine, and third-party-agreements at anyone who has ever been dubbed “pretty good”, so he will continue to get fatter, slower and more useless, meanwhile picking up money until his legs literally fall off due to diabetes. 
If the Broncos can’t find a decent halfback to take over Hunt next year, it will be a dark, crispy-skinned, slow-cooked mess of a year, coated in dollops of disappointment and served with a side of fuck you Milf.
Oh, and the answer to the question above:  both, because he’s a fat cunt.

Also, Cooper Cronk will probably retire this year.

ROUND 6

Broncos (1.80) vs Roosters (2.05)

My two favourite things in the world are to watch the Broncos lose, and also to watch the Roosters lose, so tonight’s game is just going to be great for me.  Both teams will be keen to make amends after dropping games they probably should have won (also ruined my tipping score, but they may not take that into account).  I’m going to say that the Roosters will win, but I really don’t know why.

Newcastle (2.60) vs Canterbury (1.52)

Fuck it, go Knights (but I’m tipping Canterbury).

Penrith (1.65) vs Souths (2.30)

The Pennies had a bit of a Barry during the week by going out and getting sozzled when the coach said “hey guys good game tonight pity we lost but thats ok we can try again next week see you at training and oh i almost forgot dont get sozzled k” so he’s given  the arse to half the team.  Good on him, I reckon.  As a result, I’m thinking that Souths might just limp over the line for this one.  They haven’t been too far away from winning lately to be honest, and I reckon an under-strength Penrith side is going to feel the wrath of whoever plays for the Bunnies these days.

Manly (1.52) vs St George (2.60)

I think we can all agree that the Saints have been a success story this year – even if they don’t win again for the rest of the season, they have exceeded all expectations already.  They are solid across the whole field, without having too many stand-out superstars except for Paul Vaughan (I love you Paul, please come home).  Manly have also been a classic Disney underdog story, mainly through that long-necked fuck in the halfline and the Trbojevic twins brothers twins oh fuck I don’t know, I’m just happy that I spelled their name right. 

Gold Coast (2.95) vs Canberra (1.42)

WOOO RAIDERS WOOOOO IF THEY DON’T WIN THEY SHOULD BE FORCED TO PLAY FOR ST GEORGE OR SENT TO QUEANBEYAN WOOO THE TITANS ALL INJURED THEMSELVES BECAUSE SPENDING A FEW YEARS IN TRACTION WITH A BROKEN SPINE IS MORE APPEALING THAN FACING THE FLOGGING THAT THEY’LL GET THIS WEEKEND WOOO

North Queensland (1.17) vs Wests Tigers (5.50)

Hehehehe.  At the price they’re paying, punters should throw their coin on the Tigers – the Cowboys could possibly go into this game a bit underdone as they come up against a team with a new coach, a disinterested half-line, a marshmallow forward pack, the world’s worst edge defence, no kicking game, no depth and I have it on good authority that they all pick their nose and eat it.  The scoreboard attendant will be the busiest bloke in Australia on Saturday night.  Also, Mitch Moses has a girls bike with a basket on the front that has flowers on it.  

Warriors (1.75) vs Parramatta (2.15)

I don’t know why the Warriors are favourites to win this game.  I don’t think they’re even their mum’s favourites.  Parra FTW, yo. 

Melbourne Cronks (1.45) vs Cronulla (2.85)

Cronk cronk cronky cronk cronkity cronkcronk.  Cooper cronk cronk coop coop cooper cronk cronky cronk-cronk.  Cronk cronk?  Cooperdicoopcoop cooper cronk.

What I said last week vs What happened last week:

This will be the Broncos easiest game by a long shot.  Oops.
Can they (Manly) back it up against a premiership heavyweight (Roosters)?  Probably not.  Probably can, actually.
This game will not do anything for anyone (Cronulla vs Newcastle)  Actually, I think I was on-point hereKind of like Cronulla, but they were ONE point.  Geddit? 
Put a sneaky tenner on Slater to get over the line. Or you could take financial  advice from someone else.  It’s your choice.

…if you’re going to come last, then come fucking last and don’t even bother trying to win (Wests Tigers)  I was right about this one.  Hooray!  

A love letter sent to Josh Dugan.  I swear I didn't write it