Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Don't dry for me, Argentina

Just quietly, if anyone pours me a beer like this, you'll be tasting crowbar for a week.

To celebrate the holiday of Day Ending in Y, I went down to the pub with some mates for a quick beer. Being in the festive spirit, I decided that I would get the first shout. I sidled up to the bar with the other party-goers partaking in "Day Ending in Y" shenanigans to order my drinks. I looked at the beer options that were available: Premium Dry. Super Dry. Extra Dry.

How dry do people need their beers? Stupendously Dry? Really Really Dry? Or what if you didn't want it to be too dry - would you have a schooner of A Little Dry or Sorta Dry? Where's Fairly Dry and Could Be Dryer? What does Not Dry At All taste like? Will I die without drinking the goodness of A Little Bit Dry But Not So Bad That You Need A Glass Of Water?

How long will it be until we're ordering pints of sand? And will there be different Dry factors of sand? Will I order a few pints of Sand Mega Dry? And will Sand Mega be any different to Sand Ultra Dry?

Anyway... which Dry can claim to be the Dryest?

Some dictionary somewhere defines 'dry' as "free from liquid or moisture; lacking natural or normal moisture or depleted of water; or no longer wet; such as 'dry land'; 'dry clothes'; 'a dry climate.'"

At first glance, these beers appear to fly in the face of this definition, as they seemed to be entirely made up of liquid. Perhaps a closer inspection is required. Upon tipping each beer onto the floor, it became apparent that they were quite wet indeed.
Note: I should do these sorts of experiments outside, or at least not over my carpet.
No points are awarded to any of these beers for dryness, but one point goes to the towel which I used to mop it up with.
Score after round 1:
Super - 0
Extra - 0
Premium - 0
Towel - 1

The next part of my magic dictionary says, "humorously sarcastic or mocking; 'dry humor"; 'an ironic remark often conveys an intended meaning obliquely'; 'an ironic novel'; 'an ironical smile'; 'with a wry Scottish wit.'" I spent an hour watching Two and a Half Men and registered its humour level. I then spent an hour watching each beer and continued my vigilant note taking. It is as follows: Nothing happened.

It seems there was no irony to be found, and no sarcastic tones were included with my beer. Just in case, I also watched my towel for a while. I guess it was entertaining, but in no way was it humorous, and even less Scottish.
Score after round 2:
Super - 0
Extra - 0
Premium - 0
Towel - 1

Strangely, the next dictionary definition was "not producing milk; 'a dry cow.'" I've had milk before, and it's quite different to beer. For this experiment, I attempted to milk a beer, with no success. Each beer receives one point for being as "dry as a dry cow." Well done, beers. I then squeezed out my towel, and found that it was producing beer that it had soaked from my carpet. Nice work, towel. However, the definition definitely asks for milk. So another point to the towel.
Score after round 3:
Super - 1
Extra - 1
Premium - 1
Towel - 2

The next definition: "lacking interest or stimulation; dull and lifeless."
For this experiment, I decided to drink the beer. The first beer (Super Dry) was very nice on the tastebuds, and I guess it was interesting - there were some ingredients written on the beer label, so that kept me occupied for a minute. 5 cents refund for recycling it in South Australia. Very interesting.
After it was finished, I was stimulated to drink the Extra Dry. Again, some literature was included on the bottle; a point scored there. 5 cents back in SA as well. I should move there; I'd be rich.

After I had drank the Extra Dry, I was stimulated to keep drinking.

The Premium Dry was also quite interesting. There may have been something written on the lid, but my eyes were a bit foggy, so I'm not entirely sure. 5 cents back if you're in South Aus. That's fucking it, I'm moving there. Don't try and stop me. After I had finished the Premium Dry, I was stimulated to wrap the towel around my shoulders and 'fly' around my house. Now THAT was interesting. Then I was stimulated to fall asleep. Points all round!
Score after round 4:
Super - 2
Extra - 2
Premium - 2
Towel - 3

After four rounds, it is safe to say that each beer is wetter than it is dry, with no discernible dryness-level difference between them, with few (if any) cow qualities. A towel seems to be a lot more dry. For your next pub engagement, I recommend asking for a pint of towel if you're after something dry. Otherwise, enjoy your beer the way it was intended - wet.


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