Dragons vs Panthers
The Panthors are travelling quite well this season... and as much as I hate St George, I still reckon they'll have the class to sneak away with a win. They might have to cheat to do it though, but that's not really stopping anyone in the NRL this year.
Eels vs Sharks
Remember that South Park episode where Timmy and Jimmy had a cripple fight? This is round two of that epic battle. I'll tip the Eels because they're slightly less retarded than the Sharks. Those poor Sharkies. Andrew Ettingshausen should leave his fishing show and help them out a bit. Actually, he should just leave the fishing show, it's an annoying interruption in my weekend television viewing.
Warriors vs Tigers
I've lost all faith in the Kiwi lads when it comes to rugby league, I'm afraid. I mean, I never had a huge amount, but this year they're really not doing much to impress anyone, even though I tried to convince everyone that they were good.
Knights vs Bulldogs
...Bulldogs. I feel dirty for tipping them, I really do. But they're sitting on top of the ladder, don't have a single player out for Origin duties, and as far as I know, don't have anyone in jail or awaiting trial either. But hey, it's only Thursday and a lot can happen to an NRL player in 2 days.
Rabbits vs Raiders
After last week's massive return to form, expect the Raiders to slump back into the losing groove. But fuck it, I'll still tip em. They're my boys. My little spazzies. God bless em.
Blues vs Eagles
REM have a song on their 2004 album "Around the Sun" called "Electron Blue." A lot of people didn't like that album, but I rate it sooo much higher than "Reveal." Either way, both albums were over produced and were too slow. Still, "Electron Blue" is a decent track, and is about a futuristic drug that is made of light. REM have not had a song about a Weagle (or even a regular eagle) so I will tip the Electron Blues.
Bulldogs vs Swans
I think there's too many bulldogs running around on sporting fields, to be honest. Seriously. Too many. There's at least two that I know of, anyway. Only one group of Swans though. Points to the Swans for being original, even if slightly effeminate.
Kangaroos vs Lions
Shit, I don't know. Ummmm. I hit a kangaroo with my car once; it fucked my car up (but fucked the roo up more). I am yet to have had my car trashed by a lion, so they get my tip this week.
Saints vs Demons
Haven't these guys played each other recently? I seem to remember dribbling something about the holiness of the Saints and the evilness of the Demons. I think I tipped the Saints then, and I'll do the same again this week.
Dockers vs Tigers
I don't care for the Dockers; there's something about their name that shits me. I'm going to tip the Tigers, even though they apparently suck. Maybe this week they'll come good. It honestly doesn't bother me if they don't.
Crows vs Hawks
The brown and yellows are favourites to win the premmy this year, aren't they? Maybe? I dunno, I might just be making up some stats (insert joke about how 87% of all statistics are made up on the spot). Sorry Radelaide boys, but I'm going against you this week.
Bombers vs Cats
People have often asked me about my tipping choices when it comes to natural selection - things like the Bulldogs vs the Lions (a lion would totally eat any kind of dog, not necessarily just bulldogs). So then they say, "So the Bombers would always win, then?" But it depends on how you look at it. If you have a cat on the ground and a plane comes down and drops a couple of bombs on it, well of course the Bombers would get up. But if you had a pilot who was about to drop his bombs, but someone had hidden a cat in the plane and it got loose just as he was about to hit the "bombs away" button, the cat would probably scratch that guy to within an inch of his life. The pilot would be completely caught unawares; the last thing he's expecting is to be confronted with a cat - he's in a plane for fuck's sake! Even worse is that the pilot is terribly allergic to cats and he dies. The cat pushes the pilot out of the way and takes over the stick and lands the plane safely. Therefore, Geelong to win.
Maggies vs Power
I have seen Magpies sitting on Power lines. I have not ever seen a Power line sitting on a Magpie. I think that means that magpies are the dominant species when it comes to birds and power lines. Case closed.
Good luck for the weekend - I'm here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress. (See what I did there?)