Australia’s
favourite secret shame of free-to-air television viewing has returned for
another season of poorly-scripted reality drama and Instagram models looking for a
call-up to the next season of Dancing with the Stars.
I figured that
I am ready to “find love” and go on “a journey” because I “deserve to be happy”
and I’m sick of “dating” like a “normal person”, so I decided to apply to
Married At First Sight to partake in this amazing “social experiment” that is
in no way like putting a bunch of roosters in a box and watching them
disembowel each other.
Here is my
ACTUAL application for the show. I
watched the first episode last night, so I don’t think I was successful.
I apologise for any formatting fuck-ups, it's a pretty long application and they use different fonts and settings for it, so it really doesn't translate too well here.
Are you single and looking for the love of your life?
No.
Wait, I mean yes. Yes. I am very
interested in finding my keys… I mean love LOVE LOVE. I am very interested in finding love.
Are you tired of swiping left in bars and want to find your perfect
match?
You don’t swipe left in bars. I think you’ve mixed up “going outside” with “not
going outside”.
Do you know of someone who deserves a partner to fulfill their dreams?
I thought this was meant to be about me. Also, do you know how to spell “fulfil”? You don’t, by the way.
Are you ready to put your heart on the line and settle down?
Not at all, but I don’t think that’s what
you’re looking for either.
Married
at First Sight is searching for men and women of ALL ages and backgrounds
and diversity who are genuinely ready to commit to love. This groundbreaking
social experiment is returning and will continue to help Australian singles
find their potential lifelong partner using the science of matchmaking.
The term "science of matchmaking" might just be a little bit misleading, but I am not proficient in the "science of using the word 'science' to make idiots think this is real".
Yes, I am aware of that. It's in the title of your show.
This is not a competition and there is no cash prize.
Oh. In that case, could I borrow $20?
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to find LOVE.
It's not though, is it?
What is your height in Centimetres ** It is important you measure yourself for an accurate reading**
Thank you, I
understand how measuring something is the most accurate way of getting an
accurate reading. I’m assuming that the
bar for this show isn’t being set that high.
I appreciate how exact height measurements is important when it comes to
pretending to be married to someone.
When I was at uni,
there was this one time my friend and I were waiting for a class to start, and he pulls a tape measure out of his bag – I think it was like one that
you get in a pack of condoms. To pass
the time, we started taking bets on how big things were – like the length of
the desk, wrist circumference, etc. For
a long time, we would estimate the height of stuff, like "How tall do you
think that mailbox is?" and we'd have a guess then we’d measure it (with a real tape
measure). We used to keep a tally going
for years. I was winning at last count, so I'm pretty good at measuring with my eyes.
What is your weight
(in KGs)?
About 75kgs
actually. There's no joke or story behind this, it's just what I weigh.
Tell us about your
upbringing and relationship with your parents.
We moved around a
lot – I guess that was typical of a family of surfing bank robbers on the run
from the FBI. My dad was pretty strict;
he was a police officer who threatened to send me to military
school if I failed my history class. I
was able to pass thanks to the help of some friends and a magical
time-travelling phone booth. I wish I
had that same phone booth when I thwarted a crazy guy from blowing up a busload
of passengers, boy that would have made it easier! Later, I would live in a different universe
to a girl I met on that bus, and we’d send postcards to each other in the same
house.
What did your
parents teach you about love?
My parents believed that children are the future. “Teach them well and let them lead the way.”
They showed them all the beauty they possessed inside & gave them a sense
of pride to make it easier. I let the
children's laughter remind me how I used to be.
Everybody’s searching for a hero; people need someone to look up to - I
never found anyone to fulfil my needs.
It was a lonely place to be, and so I learned to depend on me. I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's
shadows; if I fail, if I succeed, at least I'll live as I believe. No matter what they take from me, they can't
take away my dignity.
Because the greatest love of all is happening to me. I found the greatest love of all inside of me. The greatest love of all is easy to achieve;
learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
What will be your
parent’s reaction to you being on MAFS? Will they be supportive or against the
idea?
Probably against it,
to be honest. I reckon my mum will actually
try to run me over.
Who do you live
with?
How would your
friends describe you?
Hilarious; the
funniest guy in the world. Also the most handsome and athletic and dresses
really well and is super rich.
What would your
family say are your worst character traits?
Lying, narcissism.
What are you
passionate about, tell us about your hobbies and life interests.
Spear fishing. It’s seriously all I can think about some
days. Just standing there, poised at the
edge of the water with my spear and trying not. to. make. any. movement so I
don’t scare away the fish. It is quite
cathartic for me, to put myself into a kind of meditative frame of mind for so
long just standing there with my spear gun.
Apparently the lifeguard at the pool didn’t find it quite as calming,
nor did the mothers of the swim school.
List three things
about yourself that are interesting or unexpected.
1. I still actively use my Yahoo mail address.
2. I do my crosswords with a motherfucking pen,
because fuck you, that’s why. Also, I
can never find a pencil.
3. It took me three attempts to watch that XXX movie
with Vin Diesel in it because I kept falling asleep during it. I still don’t think I’ve seen it all, but
that’s ok because I don’t think it’s actually a very good film.
What is your
greatest regret / biggest mistake in life?
Undertaking this
application is probably right up there.
What do you love to
do in your spare time?
I’m a fairly simple
guy, I like to keep in shape and eat healthily, but still find time to meet up
with friends for a frosty beverage or to watch movies, read books and listen to
music. Life be too short not to enjoy
thar simple things in loife, lest ye be walkin’ the plank wi’ Davy Jones n
tharother landlubbin scurvy scoundrel.
I also enjoy
pirating.
Talk me through your
perfect Saturday night.
Why, are you
free? My Saturday nights usually involve a whole lot of lube and a bottle of wine.
Are you someone who
embraces change or do you prefer security within your comfort zones?
Let’s just say that
the other day I drank milk straight out of the bottle without checking the expiration
date. Yeah, I guess you could say that I
live life pretty much on the edge.
The milk was bad, by
the way, and I almost vomited in the sink, but most of it went straight into
the cutlery drawer. That reminds me, I
really should clean that out.
Do you have any
children?
Yes. Some of which I will actually admit to.
Would you like
children or more children if you already have some?
Sure, as long as
they’re good looking and successful and smart and shit.
Please list links to
all of your social media accounts. Eg Facebook, Twitter etc.
Facebook.com,
Twitter.com etc.com I had an Instagram.com account but it was hacked by some fucken Russian guy, so now I don’t know what
to do. I had like 5 photos on it and
followed about 8 people so my life is pretty much over now.
Tell us about your
current living situation.
It’s not a tale for
the faint-hearted. I live a life of
intrigue and mystery. I have a house,
and I built a wall down the middle of it, so I have like an apartment on *this*
side and an apartment on *that* side. In
*this* apartment I have furniture, clothes, food, books, my cat. In *that* apartment, I have different
furniture, different clothes, different food, different books, different
cat. So I live on one side for a while
until I get tired of it and I take off my clothes and put my book down on the
counter and move to the other side and I plan to keep flip-flopping like this
until I die.
What is one major
thing about yourself that you’ve never told anyone?
When I got an
injection at the doctors, I said that it didn’t even hurt, but it really did.
Are you seeking a
relationship with a man or a woman?
I’m a modern guy
living in a modern world. You throw someone at me and I’ll do my best to tonk
them.
What is your current
relationship status?
(This answer is a
drop-down selection, with “married” being included along with dating, in a
relationship, engaged, de facto and other).
Naturally, I picked other.
If other, please elaborate:
Married
Help us understand why you are looking for love.
Aren’t we all just looking for love? The yin to our yang, the Cheech to our Chong,
the buttonhole to our corresponding button?
The ocean to our dolphin, the Wolverine claws to our Wolverine, the
petals to our flower? The pen to our
paper, the workchair to our desk, the coffee to our mug, the staples to our
stapler, the mousepad to our mouse, the “to do” list on my desk, the “final
warning” email in my inbox, the meetings with human resources.
What are some of the challenges you have faced on your
search for true love.
Probably just being too good looking, you know? Also, I went through a phase of wanting to
have a man bun. I don’t have one, by the
way, but I’ve definitely thought about it, but my hair doesn’t really grow like
that, you know?
Note: this year’s
season of Married At First Sight has a guy who describes himself as being “too
good looking” and another guy with a man bun.
What qualities are important to you when it comes to friends
and partners?
I’m a pretty simple, down-to-earth person, so I really look
for easy-going, gullible rich people who are somehow still desperate for
company and have a penchant for hard drugs and liquor.
What qualities do you dislike in other people?
You know how people are rude to customer service workers,
like checkout operators and waiters and flight attendants and everyone hates
those people because they don’t deserve that?
I hate those people. Fuck the waiters. Go get me a drink, or bring me salad or something. I'm not paying for this.
Would you like to get married one day?
Like, for real or just a pretend marriage like in this show,
or when you were four years old and you dressed up and married the girl down the end of
your street? Because they both rank
about equal on the “marriage” scale.
If yes, what is your ideal timeframe?
I couldn’t do anything til after 2pm.
Are you open to talking about love honestly?
The movie is called Love Actually, you dickhead. And I will talk about it for several minutes
until I realise that I keep getting it confused with a Katherine Heigel
film.
Have you ever been married?
I’m not going to lie to you about this, beat around the bush,
change the subject or steer the conversation away from answering this very,
very important question, so all I will say is that I absolutely, positively,
100% can wholeheartedly say that in all honesty, there is a very high and
probable chance and inevitability that at some point, in the past, that there
have been people who would be likely to say that they have indeed been involved
in a marriage.
When was your last relationship and how long did it last
for?
It didn’t take very long, to be honest, but I’m taking pills
for that.
Approximately how many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?
As many as it takes, tiger.
Have you ever tried to find love online?
There’s so much stuff online that it’s ridiculous. I deadset can’t keep up with it. You go out looking for a t-shirt, and all of
a sudden you’re up to your eyeballs in porn, and then there’s an ad for some sexy
singles in my area looking to hook up with me.
It’s all very flattering, and who am I to deny them?
What other methods have you used to find love?
The rhythm method, the pull-out method. I tried reverse cowboy but I threw out my
hip.
Would you describe yourself as lonely?
Aren’t we all just a little bit lonely sometimes? And fuck off for being so judgey. It’s not like your life is perfect.
Tell us about the most romantic gesture you have ever made.
It was a few years back.
I was in a crowded bar, it was dark, the music was loud, I was about
thirteen drinks in. I saw the most
beautiful girl standing at the bar and I knew that I would regret it if I didn’t
at least try to talk to her. So I waited
for her to get her drink and I followed her across the room. I stood next to her and stared at her, trying
to catch her eye. Eventually she
succumbed to my charms and we locked our gaze.
I slowly made an O with the fingers on one hand and pointed my index
finger with the other and made a “penetration” gesture to her. She said no and I think she got a little
scared.
Have you ever been unfaithful to a partner? If so can you
tell us why.
HAHA you sound like my girlfriend, and my ex-girlfriend and
my wife.
Have you had any medical problems eg. spinal injuries, asthma, allergies, epilepsy, diabetes or mental illness within the last 5 years?
If YES, please describe in detail:
Yeah you’d like that in detail, wouldn’t you, you sick
fucks?
Have you had cosmetic surgery?
If YES, please describe in detail:
I’ve had COSMIC surgery, how about that? I haven’t though, I don’t even know what it
is. I don’t think it exists,
actually. No, probably not.
Do you have any other health issues we should know about?
Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld, where George and
Susan went to visit the Bubble Boy because Jerry was following them to Susan’s
family’s holiday house in the Hamptons and they got separated?
That was a great episode. “The
Moops!” LOL it still cracks me up.
Do you have any allergies?
If YES, please provide details:
I am allergic to paprika and coriander, but only when they
are combined in the same teacup and also only on the second full moon of the
cycle in Saturn’s eclipse. It’s not
usually an issue, and I’m on extensive medication for it, so it's not really an issue.
Have you ever applied for a TV Show?
If yes, which show and what stage did you get to in the
process?
Yes actually, I was selected to be in the audience for “Who
Wants To Be A Millionaire” in 2001 but I was deemed “too drunk” to make it
through. If they didn’t want people to
pee openly in the studio, they shouldn’t have let me smuggle in a whole goon bag
under my jumper.
I also auditioned for “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”
and came second.
Have you ever appeared in the media (TV, Newspaper, Online)
in any form?
If YES, please provide details.
YES, I appeared in the Classifieds section under the
headline “Skinny white man seeks same” – I was attempting to find my
doppelganger so I could recreate that scene from “The Parent Trap” at my
workplace, but it turns out that’s not really what the classifieds are
for.
Have you ever been found guilty of or convicted of any
criminal offence (other than any “spent convictions” that are no longer
disclosable under applicable local law)?
If YES, please provide details:
My lawyer advises me to answer “no” to this question. But off the record (and if I say that, then it's not even admissible in court), yes. I have heaps of convictions. Such is the life of a cattle-rustling bushranger with a meth lab and a penchant for jaywalking.
Have you ever been subject to any non-judicial disciplinary
hearings or tribunals (including any registered sporting body)?
If YES, please provide details:
I just don’t understand how it can be deemed a high tackle if
the kid is only four feet tall. What was
I meant to do anyway, just stand there on the sidelines with the other parents
and watch him score against my kid’s team again?
Have you ever been subject to an intervention or apprehended violence order (or similar)?
If YES, please provide details:
This is a trap, right?
Have you ever been declared bankrupt by a court?
I did not say that I was bankrupt, I declared it.
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| Using gif memes is a great way to make people a bit dizzy |
If YES, please provide details.
What details could anyone possibly provide here?
Are you currently involved in any other dispute or court
proceedings?
If yes, please provide details:
As soon as this murder charge goes away, then I can prove my
innocence on the attempted murder charge (don’t worry, it’s a different case) and
aggravated assault (same case), there’s only the kidnapping, arson and
possession with intent to distribute to worry about. And they barely have any evidence against me
anyway, except for some CCTV footage and my fingerprints on a heap of weapons
and my DNA (semen) on a whole lot of things. A lot. Oh, and my meth lab. Hey, have you noticed that at no point in
this application do you ask what my occupation is or where I live?
Will you consent to undergo a Federal Police criminal record
check? (this would be done at a later date).
You have my word that I am not a criminal.
Do you have any criminal charges pending?
If YES, please provide details:
I went through the self-serve checkout at Woolies the other day and
accidentally pressed “red capsicum” instead of “green capsicum” and I didn’t
tell anyone.
Is there anything else you'd like to tell us?
I definitely don’t have a rash on my balls. I think Wishing Wells are a scam and nothing
is being done about them. I hate
seagulls but I always feel bad when I see one with a broken wing just kind of
stuck on a beach and it's totally fucked. I'll usually just throw a towel over
its dirty flying-rat head and put it in some shade so it can at least stay cool
before stray cat comes along and kills it for being a fucking asshole that
steals hot chips.
Do you have any skeletons in your closet? if so, what are
they?
Do you ever wonder what Marty McFly was thinking that after
he came back from the past and his mum was trying to bang him, and his
girlfriend had changed to Elizabeth Shue?
Do you think it was connected in any way?
I have read, understood and agree to the Terms and
Conditions
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I am a part-time silhouette model. You may have seen my work as the guy on a toilet door, or the "green man walking" at the traffic lights.
