Friday, August 29, 2008


Television is called a medium because it is neither well done nor rare. - some bozo

Obviously the owner of the quote above hasn't ever seen Canberran television. Whether it's the superawesome State Focus show that deals with important stories, like the inspirational stories of a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who came good after battling drug addiction and male prositution or a Canberra-born band who are releasing their first CD (in Sydney). Why they choose to put this magic on at 1:00am on a Tuesday morning is beyond me.

And, like everywhere in the world, us Canberrans have locally made ads. The ones that are made with no budget, one camera, and are devised, shot and edited in one afternoon. The ads that run by the adage, "That'll do!" so the cameraman can hit the pub early on a Friday arvo.

Canberra's most well-known advertising personalities are the kids from the Blumers law firm commercials. The campaign began with a damsel in distress being tied to railway tracks or chased by giant bees or swallowed by a whale - you know, the typical sort of shit that women get in trouble with. Seriously, the amount of times I've been called up by chicks who say, "Hey Mister Evil Breakfast, you know how last week I got swallowed by a whale, and we joked about it and said how random that was, and that it was fairly unlikely that I'd be in that situation again? Well, guess what happened..." Anyway, there's a kid in the ad who puts his undies on the outside (thus becoming a superhero) and saves the chick by beating up the bees, untying the rope or grinding pepper onto the whale to make it sneeze, thus saving the day. Apparently that's what Blumers lawyers do - grind pepper.

But now there are more pieces of advertising awesomity to add to the Blumers walls. Allow me to delve into director mode.

Scene 1: We open on a kid reading a book. The book is entitled "Clumsy Charlie and the Rabid Goat." The kid doesn't move. Nothing moves. After 25 seconds, cue sound effects of a man being attacked by a rabid goat. The kid looks up from his book and says, "Call Blumers."

Brilliant. Brilliant.

Canberrans aren't afraid to recycle their ads either. Like the Local Liquor ones that come around every Olympics with the guy riding his exercise bike, some guy weightlifting (or something) and another guy in a shitty backyard pool. For the record, I know all three of those guys. I'm pretty fucking tops. Anyway, that ad is at least 8 years old.

But the greatest serving Canberran media mogul is Kingsleys Chicken. They have one of the greatest fast-food chains in all the world (fillet burger with gravy AND coleslaw will be my final meal if I'm ever on death row), and they spend exactly zero time and zero money to create their commercials. I think one of their ads had a Thunderbirds kind of submarine floating across the screen, with voices that said, "Come on Brains, we need to stop that nuclear bomb!" "Roger that. Fire depth chargers." BOOM. "A job well done, let's go and get a chicken burger." Their latest efforts have included the introduction of an American accent on the first syllable of the word "awesome" in their catchphrase, 'unbelievable chicken, awesome chips', and skating the copyright line by using Warner Bros. cartoon characters and the Loony Tunes logo. I guess if WB ever decides to sue them, they'll just team up with Blumers and grind some pepper on Daffy Duck. Case closed.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Canberra - The Olympic City

Olympic fever has certainly gripped the world, with conversations about sprints and marathons and weightlifters and Greco-Roman wrestling dominating the water cooler for the past few weeks. Beijing certainly has a range of impressive venues like the Bird's Nest and the Giant Mattress of Water. Nice work, Chinese peeps.

And Canberra, a leader in world sophistication and the envy of cities everywhere, sits back and watches.

In an attempt to bring the world "the greatest Olympic Games ever," Canberra is preparing a bid for the 2016 Games. And why not? We already have most of the facilities already set up - we're just waiting for the athletes to turn up.

With a capacity of around 35,000 (around 40-45,000 if you let the kids sit on the grass around the sidelines), Canberra Stadium (formerly Bruce Stadium) will be home of the Opening Ceremony, which will be all kinds of awesome. This intimate setting will allow drunken members of the crowd to yell abuse at the marching athletes, and also give the athletes able chance to physically assault them back without trouble. The Canberra Raiderettes will provide the entertainment with their intricate dancing and synchronised moves that tell the story of the "Macarena" and whatever shit Pink has released that year. The Olympic Flame* will be lit by 13-year old kids from the Belconnen Bus Interchange flicking cigarettes into a plastic wheelie bin.
*lighting of the flame may not happen due to extreme fire danger.

Canberra Stadium (formerly Bruce Stadium), home of the mighty, giant-killing Canberra Raiders and the over-paid, low-achieving ACT Brumbies will also be the centre of attention for the athletics leg of the Games. Spectators are warned to bring cash to the Stadium though, as there is only one ATM in the whole place. In terms of the track and field competition, I'm fairly sure there's enough space on the field for everything to be going on at the same time. If not, they can learn to share.

Anyone who's ever visited, lived in or flown over the city of Canberra will realise that each and every road has a bike-path that is predominantly bike-free, so the cycling street races have never been more awesome or scenic, as athletes will be treated to a city without the dangers of pollution or terrorist attacks, and be able to cycle up and around Telstra Tower, past Questacon and the National Library, through the "Orange Tunnel" and into the heart of the mess that they've made on Caswell Drive, before finishing on the marbled steps of Parliament House. Fucking sweet. I'd probably buy a bike if it meant I could take part. Cycling athletes are not permitted to take advantage of the buses that have the bike racks on the front of them. I'm still trying to work that shit out myself.

The cycling pursuit events can be held in the storm-water drains in various suburbs. I know there's a Velodrome already built in Fadden or something, but I'm buggered if I'm going there to watch it. I'll get stuck on Bugden Ave and won't be seen again.

Soccer - nup. Get rid of it.

Softball - already gotten rid of.

European handball - to be played at EPIC - preferably before they have Oktoberfest there, because otherwise the floors will be sticky with spilt "German" beer, vomit and possibly some blood. I love celebrating being so damn German. I would also like to introduce "schoolyard handball" into the Olympics, and have it played at any school ground in Canberra. Each match must be agreed as to whether there are "intoes" allowed, "spooks", "rolls-to-the-death" or "rolls-replay", "full played" or "full-played-forgotten", whether "waxing" is allowed, and if so, opens the game to "secret waxing". There must also be some Year 9 punks on hand to pick up tennis balls that go out of play, which they can then either peg at the fattest player on the handball court, or throw onto the roof of the main building. Athletes have the choice of dobbing the Year 9 kid to a nearby teacher, which will get the ball back, but result in being stuffed into a locker at a later date.

Equestrian - there are heaps of paddocks around, so take your pick. Equestrian must only be allowed into the Canberra Olympics if the horses get a medal as well. Note: The archery and shooting events will all be held at the same venue at the same time. Extra points to the horse who can maintain its stupid walking/dancing dressage pattern while being shot at.

Gymnastics can be held at my old school gym. Athletes must make sure they put all the mats away after they use them though, including the giant blue crash mat. And no fucking around while they do it, the teachers aren't in the mood to have to rescue some idiot gymnast from Mexico who's been buried in old, dusty mats by some Ukranian bully.

Swimming events can be held at Macquarie Pool (I refuse to call it Big Splash), but only in the three lanes they have open for laps. If you get hit by a stray tennis ball, it's your own fault. Athletes may also opt to compete whilst going down the waterslides, although causing a blockage in the slides (especially on the Family Slide) will result in penalties, and your Slide Pass wrist-band will be confiscated. Races will also be held going down the Hurricane Twins. Athletes attending the Macquarie Pool events are advised to wear sandals or thongs, as there are a lot of prickles on the grass.

The kayak and canoes and sailboats and whatnot events don't interest me, so if they still want to do them, they can head to Lake Burley Griffin or Kambah Pool or something. I don't see why they can't organise their own things - they should just sms each other and say, "'LOL man ill b @ LBG tomoz @ 10 4 a race. u in?' and the other guys can reply with, "yeh sounds gd. c u den!" or "cn we make it l8r? i hav 2 go 2 my cuzs wedding lol who gets married during olympix?" and then "howz 5?" "yeh i think dats ok. will txt u if not. LOL mite hav 2 make it da nxt day evn!" "LOL yeh".
I love rowers.

The Marathon will be run close to my street, so I can watch from my balcony. But I'm not watching the whole thing; that shit gets boring. The course will lead them to the IGA at the bottom of my hill, where they are required to do some shopping and bring me beer and ice-cream (I'll provide a full shopping list closer to the event), and they can drop it off on my doorstep. They may also wash my car in lieu of this (water restrictions permitting).

Beach volleyball - nup. Get rid of it. We've got volleyball, just enjoy that.

Fencing will be replaced by battles of Street Fighter 2 - which can still be played at Theo's Take Away for 60c a game ($1 for double play). Athletes must decide whether to have normal salt or chicken salt during the event, and eat at least two potato scollops whilst competing.

The Athlete's Village is to be located at the University of Canberra student residences. Food to be provided by Baker Bob and Bagel Bob, with assistance from the G-Spot food wagon, 24-hour Drive-Thru McDonalds in Belconnen and cheap steak night at the Lighthouse. They can also eat at the Olympic venues, and choose to feast on traditional Australian/Canberran fare such as pies and sauce, sausage rolls and sauce, hot dogs and sauce, chips and sauce and noodles left over from the Multicultural Festival, all of which are burning on the outside and frozen in the middle. Sauce is 20c extra.

The Closing Ceremony (at Canberra Stadium [formerly Bruce Stadium], naturally) will involve a final showdown between Victor the Viking, Brumbie Jack, the pig from Hog's Breath, and the dog and cockatoo from Bate's Pet Paradise in a cage match. My money is on Victor, due to experience in the suit, but the Bate's Pet Paradise mascots have been biffing for years, and could surprise everyone.

With the crowd of athletes looking on, the Olympic Flame will be extinguished by Todd Carney in his usual manner, who will then jump into a ute and fang it out of there, taking the baton to the next delegate (hopefully they're in Goulburn, cause that's where Carney will probably go). With the smell of burnt rubber still fresh in the air, the sky will erupt in a decidedly half-arsed fireworks display, and the crowd will leave early, to "avoid the rush in the carpark." And so, as the curtain falls on Canberra 2016, the cleaners around Canberra Stadium will be the only ones there to hurry the athletes out so everyone can get home in time to watch Rove.

Friday, August 15, 2008

what shall i wear today?

Wherever you go in this big ol’ bluey greeney grey white and occasionally red world of ours, you are guaranteed to be able to buy a t-shirt that tells anyone who looks at you where you’ve been. Whether it’s an "I love New York" shirt, a "Mind the Gap" logo, or a "My Brother Went T-shirt Shopping in T-shirtland and All He Brought Me Back was this T-shirt" shirt, there are a bazillion t-shirts out there with a city, country, region or province decorating the front.

MEBCAM continues with a range of Canberra-quality tees for you to proudly boast upon your torso...

If you want a bigger view of them, just click on each shirt. It's not rocket surgery.

Some call it a mole, I call it a beauty spot.

This basically sums up how I feel about my beloved Canberra. I also like the obligatory Parliament House picture.

Oooh political. This also keeps with the by-laws of Canberra, in that the acronym "A.C.T." must be used as often as possible, even when it doesn't really make sense.

You might have to explain this to people (tulips/two lips) and then punch them in the back of the head.

They should sell this shirt at the Flynn shops. I'd buy one. And yes, I know my Photoshop skills suck, but that's because I don't actually have Photoshop. It looks like eight kinds of awesome anyway.

I'm kind of a bit in love with this shirt. The best thing is, I wouldn't get beaten up for making fun of emos, because they lack the strength due to excessive blood loss.

Be awesome whilst visiting south of the Lake by wearing this shirt. Otherwise, you're just south, and not awesome at all.

This looked a lot better in my head.

Get it? Rocks. Ah fuck you.

Beep beep beep. God bless R2D2.

It took a lot of willpower not to make fun of Todd Carney, but I got there in the end. And I've already got one for next week to post anyway.

If you can't read this shirt, I'd recommend calling 1800655506 for the Reading and Writing Hotline. This also looked better in my head. I'd still wear this one though. Vroom.

Sorry it's been so long between posts for MEBCAM 08, but I've been busy. There'll be more updates next week. I'm excited already.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Mister Evil Breakfast's Canberra Appreciation Month 2008

HMAS Canberra - protecting Kambah Pool from invaders since 1846

August, where have you BEEN?! Welcome once again, to the greatest month in the history of the world... Mister Evil Breakfast's Canberra Appreciation Month! MEBCAM really gets me excited, as I get to lavish praise on the greatest city in the world for an entire month. I mean, I could do it all year, but then people might think I'm a bit sick in the head.

Onto the traditional MEBCAM welcome:

C heese is in abundance at Coles and Woolies, and also at smaller IGA stores and other supermarkets. No lack of cheese here.
A wesome is only one way to describe Canberra.
N ever go to the toilet with Todd Carney.
B arry Hall has been here as recently as yesterday.
E mos and goths are free to laugh at in Garema Place.
R odney Rude is always just one week away from doing another performance here.
R aaaah - dinosaurs are awesome.
A nd I didn't realise how hard these acrostic poems really are.

I don't want to ruin the surprise of MEBCAM, but look forward to some insights into locally-made tv commercials; probably something about pirates, penguins, goats and things from the 80s; where to go and where not to go when you're out and about and in varying states of sobriety; and some made up facts about Canberra's attractions.

Strap yourself in, tigers.